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Forcing Voters To Remember ‘Lisa Murkowski’ Is Illegal, Says Court

This Is Unconstitutional, according to the Alaska Supreme Court

  • The Alaska Supreme Court carefully inspected your convoluted Lisa Murkowski “visual aids” and — after probably no deliberation — ruled unanimously that those MS Paint atrocities are actually unconstitutional visual impediments and are unfair to Alaska’s already hopeless electorate. So hooray, you’ve forced polling places to provide lists of the write-in candidates. Now Alaskan voters can go up to the Information Desk on election day and ask, “How do you spell Lisa?” And then the volunteer poll person will hand them a helpful write-in candidate brochure, written in English and not weird bitmaps of “Merk pubes.” But how, then, are these illiterate voters supposed to distinguish Lisa Murkowski’s name from other names listed on this candidate-chart? (“How do you spell Lisa? Oh, it says right here on this piece of paper: ‘Scott McAdams.’”) Bad call, Alaska Supreme Court. [The Caucus]
  • Do you live in a stylish house/condo/shanty, in a metropolitan area? No, you don’t! Because “133 out of 206 metropolitan areas with at least 200,000 residents posted an annual increase in foreclosure activity.” [AP]
  • We have witnessed the “nastiest” campaign cycle in history, according to some poll! And not the cool “that’s the bomb” nasty. The other nasty (You know: “boogers are nasty,” et cetera). [The Hill]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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80 comments

  1. Lucidamente1

    Isn't Lisa Murkowski the stage name of Lee Murkowitz, a sometime drag queen from Juneau, Alaska?

  2. Serolf_Divad

    But would you eat a bowl full of boogers to keep Sharon Angle from becoming the next Senator from Arizona? That is the question

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My boogers or someone else's?
      Arizona, Nevada, Delaware, Kentucky, what's the fucking difference?

      1. Ruhe

        Well for starters, the Kentucky boogers are likely to have been hand-picked and sun-dried by native Kentuckians, not migrant illegal workers. Kentucky takes pride in its booger crop and when it comes to bluegrass boogers we are "locovoracious".

    2. LetUsBray

      I'm afraid your premise is flawed: Harry Reid more resembles a pitcher of warm spit than a bowl full of boogers.

  3. loquacioustunes

    I keep hearing about these "foreclosed homes," and I keep wishing that some would pop up in my area. Housing prices have dropped a whopping 2% on average around here. I still can't afford to buy as much as a cardboard box.

    1. x111e7thst

      Make sure you get title insurance if you buy a foreclosed cardboard box. Otherwise you run the risk of bank B claiming bank A had no right to sell you that box. Then they will send stormtroopers borrowed from Rand Paul or some other TeaTard to handcuff you and step on your head.

      1. Doglessliberal

        That is one of life's rules: ALWAYS buy the owner's title insurance.

        Another one is: the vehemence of one's railing against homosexual deviancy is proportional to the likelihood that one has a 16-year-old Thai boy and a large collection of dildos in his basement. (there are multiplier factors if one is a politician or preacher)

        1. V572625694

          And another one of life's rules is: DON"T try to read the title insurance policy, because once you wade through all the exclusions and caveats, you'll find you don't have any damn insurance at all, unless an asteroid crashes into the planet and destroys all life. On Tuesday, before 11:00 AM Greenwich Mean Time.

          1. Doglessliberal

            Yes. But only if your house had a green door. Red, black, blue, white, natural wood doors vitiate policy benefits.

      2. CapeClod

        Forget title insurance, get food insurance. Glenn Beck knows that the end of civilization as we know it is coming and he's scaring all of the hoveround jockeys that watch his show to stock up on freeze dried beef stroganoff. (Via Colbert Report. <a href="http://)http://www.foodinsurance.com/” target=”_blank”>)http://www.foodinsurance.com/

  4. MildMidwesterner

    Thanks a lot, Riley. Now Janet Jackson's "Nasty Boys" is going to be stuck in head all day. There went my morning.

      1. vulpes82

        I think "No, my first name ain't baby, it's Teaparty, Miss Palin if you're nasty" is a bit better.

    1. Doglessliberal

      The spin class at the gym this a.m. was playing Bad Romance so loudly I could hear it through the closed doors, so there's another option for you. We could trade earworms.

      1. HistoriCat

        Gee thanks – I had "What's the frequency Kenneth" in my head (thanks to a discussion about cordless phones over at woot) but now I've got the dueling songs of Bad Romance and Nasty Boys in there instead. Someone give me a hammer – I need to beat myself over the head.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Long time, completely effective cure when you want to counter attack against a song running through your head;
          "It's a small world after all,
          It's a small world after all,
          It's a small world after all,
          It's a small, small world."

      2. CapeClod

        When I need to get rid of an annoying tune, I put the Stone's 'Can't You Hear Me Knocking?' on the brain turntable. Works everytime.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Guess I'm old school, all that "nasty" talk just sets Zappa's "Brown Shoes Don't Make It" off in my head. "If she were my daughter, I'd…"

    3. Mumbletypeg

      I'm probably too old to attempt a Janet Jackson costume this year, wardrobe malfunction included — but now I'm seriously looking into what an "earworm" outfit could look like….

    1. PsycWench

      Successful campaign: you stomp the heads of your opponents and then the opponents apologize to you.

        1. di_da_is_alpha

          I'll take a guess. There is a lot of tension due to sexual inhibition among the regular commenters here that is released through false bravado, and any post with sexual references or innuendo is greeted with pubescent exclamations of glee. Or maybe they're just stupid.

  5. Sgt_Biyatch

    I don't know which I'd prefer – to see Joe Miller lose, because he's such a creepy, worthless a-hole, or see him win, to put an end to Alaska's ridiculous appropriations gravy train.

      1. V572625694

        Ha ha ha, he's probably for term limits too, after he finishes his six terms. If he really were a liberterian idealogue, he'd almost be likable in a Down-syndrome-baby kind of way. But he's pure hack.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      That's assuming he sticks to his libertarian guns once he gets to the senate. I don't think Capt. Disability-Check has been able to stick to those BEFORE he's gotten there.

    2. ifthethunderdontgetya

      More generally, the upside to the teabagger candidates taking over the goobermint is when they all vote to give Social Security and such as, also, to the Koch brothers and Rupert Murdoch.

      Then the baggers get to starve in the streets, while blaming it all on the New Black Panthers, the end.
      ~

      1. Sgt_Biyatch

        Even if all the teabaggers get elected, they won't even have enough votes to form a voting block, let alone pass any legislation. But it will be interesting to watch the real world of politics collide with their ridiculous anti-government agenda.

        Also, too, you need to be a senior committee member to get the real pork – witness Robert Byrd, Ted Stevens, Richard Shelby, and Mitch McConnell. Hmm…two on the list are dead – maybe Jebus is anti-pork?

    3. Terry

      Yeah, he'd be the DeMint of Alaska, but even stupider. There will be a great howl from the North if the appropriations gravy train comes to a halt.

  6. PsycWench

    After the Palin regime, nothing could surprise an Alaskan voter, even Lisa Murkowski paper dolls at the polling station.

    1. marionetta

      Why even bother with the election. Make Leesa Queen of Alaskan Ass for life …..oh I forgot.

      There already is a Q of AA….$arah Queenass.

  7. weejee

    C'Addle foreclosures up 79%. Well, we were late to the party but now….
    We're number one, HEY!!!
    We're number one, HEY!!!
    Were number one

    1. V572625694

      Does anybody scrub those data to distinguish Hardworking Real Americans getting booted from second-or-third-"home" speculators walking away because they're upside down and the rent won't cover the mortgage? And if you read carefully do you see that they've lumped actual foreclosure actions taken to court together with people who are one payment behind, or put the wrong ZIP code on the envelope to the mortgage "servicer?"

  8. chascates

    On a positive note, George W. Bush will probably be eating a lot of pretzels during the World Series.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You know, as a Christian, I should practice forgiveness and — wait, what am I talking about? I'm a atheistic libertine. I hope George Bush chokes on Laura's jizz and dies. Fuck him and his pretzels to the depths of hell.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        And spends eternity having to listen to some boring philosophy professor lecture about tabula rasas and John Milton and Thomas Hobbes 'n' shit.

    2. JMPEsq

      After the sad debacle last week, I figured there's no reason to care who wins the World Series; but thanks for reminding me that there's a former owner that provides good reason to hate Houston.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Uh, not to quibble here, but Houston has the Astros, which are not really amongst the many reasons to hate Houston. The Rangers play in Arlington (DFW area), and the identity of one of their former owners just adds to the myriad reasons to hate Dallas. Welcome to the Dallas-Houston-San Antonio Triangle of Mutual Hatred!!

        1. HistoriCat

          And what a triangle it is. Although I don't most people in Houston hate on San Antonio nearly as much as they hate on Dallas – but can you blame them?

          The Astros are more of a reason to pity Houston than to hate it.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Condolences (insert winkie thing here). To be fair, the SA hatred during said playoffs dates to 1995, so maybe they've mellowed.

    3. GOPCrusher

      And to think, if that pretzel would have done it's job, we would be living out a Road Warrior remake in the nuclear wasteland that was once the United States.

  9. JMPEsq

    The campaign's nastiness is all the fault of those horrible liberals, forcing teabaggers to stomp them in the head. (Actually, I blame the Supreme Court and Citizen's United; and Glenn Beck).

  10. BarackMyWorld

    I'm sure conservatives in Alaska will be up in arms about activist judges interfering with the election, right? Right?

      1. BarackMyWorld

        I was kind of assuming this was a bad thing for Murkowski…or is it?

        I guess I don't really understand court rulings unless there's a pundit there to tell me what it means in the most water-down, yet sensational way possible.

  11. mog253

    And now Profitt wants an apology from the poor woman with the squished head. No doubt she would, but the for the hematoma, short term membory loss and all.

  12. CapeClod

    "Lizard People" is relatively easy to spell. This looks like an excellent pickup opportunity for them.

Comments are closed.