WONKETTE WORLD O' BOOKS  5:43 pm October 28, 2010

Your Wonkette Guide To Terrifying Halloween Reading!

by Greer Mansfield

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Rejoice, Wonketeers, for Halloween is nearly upon us! In keeping with the spirit of this sexy witch-burning holiday, Wonkette World o’ Books is going to try something a bit different this week. Instead of reviewing one shameful/inept book, we’ll simply recommend a few different books, none of them explicitly about politics but all helpful in illuminating the Horror and Devilry of our nation’s public life. Read on, and questions will be answered! Questions like: What can studies of witchery teach us about Christine O’Donnell? Also: if Tea Partiers and other folks want to cut government spending so badly, why doesn’t our military save money by becoming more like Dr. Fu Manchu? 

The world is full of strange and wonderful ghost stories and tales of the uncanny, and Hallowe’en is when you want to read some of them. But no one has the time for too much reading, what with dressing up as The Situation and trying to impress various Christine O’Donnell witches with one-arm push-ups that end with you vomiting your Black Widow cocktail all over their broomstick-vibrators.

It’s a shame, because some of these spooky tales can even tell us a lot about the life-draining vampiric terror of American Politics.

What are we talking about?

Ecstasies: Deciphering the Witches’ Sabbath, by fancy Italian scholar Carlo Ginzburg, is a treasure trove of weird lore about pagan cults in medieval Europe, featuring witches galore. If we are ever to understand Christine O’Donnell, this is the place to start. According to Ginzburg:

Male and female witches met at night, generally in solitary places, in fields or on mountains. Sometimes, having anointed their bodies, they flew, arriving astride poles or broom sticks; sometimes they arrived on the backs of animals, or transformed into animals themselves… There would follow banquets, dancing, sexual orgies. Before returning home, the female and male witches received evil ointments made from children’s fat ….

Is it any wonder that Christine O’Donnell’s neighbors can’t get any peace?

This has understandably caused some controversy within the feminist movement, but we’ve recently discovered that Christine O’Donnell is also a zombie. If you happen to be a romantic elf-warrior with a huge crush on the Born-Again Virgin Witch of Delaware, you’ll  surely win her heart by writing her some zombie haiku, modeled on the poetry in Ryan Mecum’s Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry For Your…Brains.Eventually you can move on to zombie sonnets. This scary monster haiku stuff is a series, apparently; there are also “Vampire Haiku” and “Werewolf Haiku” editions.

Moving on …. SO, it looks like the Tea Party and assorted libertarians and Republicans wish to cut the publick expenditure. Fine. Why not start with our armed forces and our terrible, useless and dumb Transport Security Administration? We could turn the whole operation into a leaner, meaner force by giving the Secretary of Defense and the National Security Advisor copies of The Insidious Dr. Fu Manchu.

Beloved mad scientist/warlock Fu Manchu — a man “with a brow like Shakespeare and a face like Satan” — disdains expensive weaponry systems. Instead he uses classic weapons like knives and spider armies and the evil powers he picked up in the Thuggee cult (that’s the one from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom). If the military and the TSA could learn some of Fu Manchu’s insidious ways, there would be no need to spend piles of government money on missile shields and nekked-body-scanners and robot death-planes.

Yes, the Fu Manchu novels and comic books were terribly racist, but that doesn’t negate the fact that Fu Manchu the character kicks major ass. Many Real Americans think Barack Obama is a Kenyan Fu Manchu anyway, so why not start acting like it, Barry? OWN this “exotic master criminal” persona! Become the Insidious Dr. Barry “Manchu” Obama, specialist in the Dark Arts of the Luo Tribe and Socialist Warlock. Send spider armies into Pakistan.

Now, if you’re at all like your book reviewer, you regularly check under your bed for signs of Rand Paul’s sinister friend Aqua Buddha. It looks like Rand and his head-stomping fans (who represent Freedom) are going to win big next week, so it’s probably a good idea to learn more about this “Aqua Buddha” to whom Dr. Paul swears allegiance.

Lucky for us, American master of the weird tale H.P. Lovecraft wrote about Aqua Buddha way back in the 1920s:

There lay great Aqua Buddha and his hordes, hidden in green slimy vaults and sending out at last, after cycles incalculable, the thoughts that spread fear to the dreams of the sensitive and called imperiously to the faithful to come on a pilgrimage of liberation and restoration. All this Johansen did not suspect, but God knows he soon saw enough!

I suppose that only a single mountain-top, the hideous monolith-crowned citadel whereon great Aqua Buddha was buried, actually emerged from the waters. When I think of the extent of all that may be brooding down there I almost wish to kill myself forthwith.

This particular story ends with “Aqua Buddha…loose again and ravening for delight.”

OK, that’s it. Happy Halloween, kids! Your reviewer hopes that Wonkette’s DC faction has a splendid orgy tomorrow night! One note of caution, though: be very careful when walking by the fountains in Dupont Circle. We wouldn’t want Aqua Buddha to leap out and drag you to a slimy, watery grave.

Ecstasies: Deciphering the Witches’ Sabbath, by Carlo Ginzburg, University of Chicago Press, 368 pages, $19.80.

Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry For Your…Brains by Ryan Mecum, How Press, 160 pages, $9.99.

The Insidious Dr. Fu Manchu by Sax Rohmer, New Millennium Library, 232 pages, $11.95.

Tales by H.P. Lovecraft, Library of America, 850 pages, $23.10.

Email reports of Aqua Buddha sightings to greer.mansfield@gmail.com.

 
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{ 29 comments }

Crank_Tango October 28, 2010 at 5:51 pm

is it too late to get a few copies of Going Rogue to leave burning on peoples' doorsteps this weekend?

Maman October 28, 2010 at 5:56 pm

with or without dog pooh?

Crank_Tango October 28, 2010 at 6:02 pm

Well see the nice thing about snowbilly g's book is it is already pure dogshit. Hopefully the dustjacket is flammable at least, chère maman.

DoktorZoom October 28, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Ia! Ia! Aqua Buddha flagn!

elviouslyqueer October 28, 2010 at 5:55 pm

Shorter Greer: I "accidentally" threw my ARC of Decision Points in the fireplace, so I had to find some shit to review.

PsycWench October 28, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Before returning home, the female and male witches received evil ointments made from children’s fat ….

That's one memorable party favor.

imcginty14 October 28, 2010 at 10:50 pm

This site is great, it has lots of must read contents. I am fond of horror stories and it's nice to know that you make a different twist on the contents of the book. Making it more interesting to read. I was wondering if they can create one Halloween story about wilderness camp – lots of teens might end up reading this one.

lochnessmonster October 28, 2010 at 5:59 pm

I think that new book by Bush about the his years in the Oval Office seems it would be pretty frightening…so scary I don't think I could read it.

JustPixelz October 28, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Bush was like those horror movies where eventually someone calls the babysitter and says the killer is in the house with you. AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. chop chop slice slice.

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Or where Igor puts the psychotic's brain in the monster, which comes to life, steals the monkey's paw and pulls a smoking gun out of the hole in its stomach that it plants on dead babies who turn into zombies who ravage the country and the only person who can save us just woke up from a coma she's been in but instead of doing that dangerous work she quits to exhort all the zombies to vote for her daughter on Dancing with the Stars.

PublicLuxury October 28, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Don't tease. Making promises you can't keep is just like being Christine.

Toomush_Infer October 28, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Nah, I'm pretty sure if you tried to burn it, it would just melt….

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2010 at 6:02 pm

Exactly. I've felt that all Manchus kick ass…

SexySmurf October 28, 2010 at 6:16 pm

sometimes they arrived on the backs of animals, or transformed into animals themselves… There would follow banquets, dancing, sexual orgies.

Sounds like a typical Wednesday night at Carl Paladino's house

PublicLuxury October 28, 2010 at 6:32 pm

Do they dance at the Paladino Palooza? I thought it was just fuck, suck, pump.

SexySmurf October 28, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Actually it's a more of a gyration while wearing a speedo.

Bluestatelibel October 28, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Cthulu could beat the crap out of Aqua Buddha any time–bring it on.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 28, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Remind me why don't we like the witches again? Sounds like they know how to party!

finallyhappy October 28, 2010 at 7:32 pm

We like witches- we don't like fake witches like Delaware Chrissie

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 28, 2010 at 8:03 pm

Ahhhhh, but what if she really is a witch, and just trying to repress it?
She is running on the "R is for repressed" ticket.

Pragmatist2 October 28, 2010 at 6:29 pm

Want some really scary reading?
Take a look at The GOP Solutions for America: http://www.gop.gov/solutions

Note that to the GOP America is a problem in need of "solutions."

kenlayisalive October 28, 2010 at 9:53 pm

That's where they fully dissolve the country into some liquid by 2012, right?

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2010 at 10:39 pm

Hey, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

PublicLuxury October 28, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Do you remember the days of yore when publishing a book meant that you had a bit of intellectual heft?

Now any butt-reaming asshole can publish a book. Evidence? Well, there's "Going Rogue", "Decision Points" and soon to follow, from Christine O'Donnell: "Tame Your Bush" followed by the sequeal, "Born Again Virgin's Honey Pot"

ifthethunderdontgetya October 28, 2010 at 6:35 pm

Many Real Americans think Barack Obama is a Kenyan Fu Manchu…

But they also think he's a wimpy metrosexual at the same time. Perplexing.

P.S. I'm not counting Maureen Dowd as a Real American.
~

WorkTheSaxofone October 28, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Bogus. The Thuggee cult is from Help! They're always trying to kill Ringo.

chascates October 28, 2010 at 6:51 pm

Or just pick up the sacred writings of any religion.

Banelm October 28, 2010 at 7:12 pm

It's hard to top Decider Points in terms of Horror Fiction. The Bush presidency is going to be the proverbial chainsaw wielding clown, chasing down GOP presidential hopefuls for the next century!

LetUsBray October 28, 2010 at 10:41 pm

A couple of years ago I would have agreed with you. But apparently most of the country's already completely forgotten the Age of the Deciderer ever happened.

And before anyone suggests Cowboy Caligula's forthcoming coloring book will remind people, ask yourself: Who's going to read that shit? I sure as fuck won't.

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