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Oh God, Who Paid Laura Bush To Speak To a Crowd?

Los Angeles (CNN) – Former first lady Laura Bush had her audience LOL (laughing out loud) at a women’s conference in Long Beach, California Tuesday.

Thanks, CNN, for that very hip use of “LOL.” Journalism! You know, CNN, if your audience is so stupid that you had to write “(laughing out loud)” in the opening line of your article, perhaps you could have just written “had her audience laughing” and saved yourself embarrassment. But CNN.com will never have shame, so whatevs.

“As for me, it’s come to this,” Mrs. Bush said of her life after eight years in the White House, placing the doll on the glass plate. “This is the Laura Bush bobble head doll. I got this from a friend of mine who found it in the gift shop in the constitutional center a few weeks after the election. It was on the clearance shelf. He said he couldn’t resist sending it to me, I told him he could have tried a little harder. But I’m kinda glad to have it.”

Clearance shelf. [CNN]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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48 comments

  1. Come here a minute

    The fact that she was once a librarian makes me embarrassed to have ever visited a library.

  2. V572625694

    We don't have to hate Laura, do we? She was kinda like Saddam's wife: no idea what was going on, but happy to garner the proceeds of her husband's crimes.

    1. natoslug

      Did Cheney have her tied up in the basement for eight years? If not, considering that even blind drunk she's probably more cognizant of the world around her than her husband ever was (hell, the bobble-head doll is more self-aware than her shrubby is), I doubt she had no idea what was going on. More likely, she didn't care, which makes hating Laura come naturally.

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Well, Cheney probably did have her tied up in the basement, but the rest of your point is still correct.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Well, maybe if Laura Bush had a little more Lady MacBeth in her, Dubya would've been a better man. Couldn'ta ended up with a worse one anyway.

  3. Naked_Bunny

    Laura Bush has a Master's Degree in Library Science. She should be telling those people to stop making so much noise and to read their books quietly until the end of the period.

  4. LionelHutzEsq

    It will be a shame when someone explains to her that it is not a bobble head doll, as those don't come life size, but a Laura Bush Sex Doll with Built In Real Blow Job Action.

  5. JustPixelz

    Now I have the image of Laura Bush's head bobbing up and down on you-know-who. Get me a hypnotist, stat!

  6. PsycWench

    Let's see how CNN does when it covers a similar affair with George Bush and has to explain STFU and GTFO.

  7. indecencycmdr

    Whenever I see a story about Laura Bush, I just think about Elizabeth Banks. I want to put my bike in that trunk/hot box.

  8. indecencycmdr

    When she put the bobble head on the plate (the plate? was it for dessert?) how could the audience know who was who? I imagine there were screams of "Oh my god there are two of her!" and "Which one is the live one?" then they "accidentally" destroyed Laura w/ a hatchet and declared the bobble head to be their new leader. When "she" got home, George didn't notice the difference. No one did. the end.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    She's speaking in Memphis in a couple of weeks. Even though it's for a good cause (cancer), I wouldn't mind showing up and chucking one of those platform-soled 10-inch pumps that those drag queens in DC sported.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    She joked about the new normal, where her husband doesn't get as many breaks.

    Wait — he's given like ten speeches in the last twenty-one months and he's working harder now?! I don't know which is worse — that this is so horrifying or so unsurprising.

    1. CapeClod

      He's been writing his book and planning his library. In both cases he probably gives 5 minutes of effort to each, then gets bored, calls up some buddies and heads out to shoot 9.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    She joked about the surreal nature of living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    Wow. If she thought that was fucked up she soulda tried living anywhere else on the planet. Sorry about the multiple comments but damn — I just can't understand or feel the slightest bit of sympathy for this lady. To be a charming Texas mom amidst all that evil — and to have a hand in the forging of Dubya's character, at least as much as anyone can, smacks of complicity. And for her to laugh it off as just one of those weird experiences that happens to any presidential wife — that's such a fucking medieval idea of what a human being should be, by the way — as though the experience had no moral component where they sat down and she asked him what the fuck he was doing invading a country and destroying millions of lives for no fucking reason at all — that's just inexcusable.

  12. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I have some sympathy for Laura with W being unemployed. She's probably stocking up on pretzels.

  13. Negropolis

    The bloody war of indepdence in East Timor is SO funny, Laura! Now, go back to your Dallas mansion you Joker-faced Stepford Wife.

  14. Failure_Artist

    Does LOL really still mean laughing out loud? I thought it was just a awkward filler, as in "i caught my mom naked LOL got boner now #lolboners"

  15. lulzmonger

    Oh, yes indeed, how VERY droll! Poor ol' George just doesn't get ANY breaks now that he's a mere mortal again! Yeah, har de fuckin' har, Laura. I bet the Iraqis will be ecstatic to hear such comforting & jocular repartee.

    Laura Bush: combining the wit of a Las Vegas comedian after his fifth martini with the charm of Imelda Marcos.

  16. DashboardBuddha

    LOL is now the new "also"…except that we all use it almost automatically. We will no longer know when we're being sarcastic or earnest. DAMN YOU CNN!

  17. BarackMyWorld

    If she had ANYONE laughing it couldn't have been with the material reprinted in the article. Maybe the use of "laughing" set my expectations too high, but I thought she'd have actually said something funny enough to put in the article instead of the groaners they reported.

  18. bhosp

    I actually like Laura Bush. As far as First Lady Signature Issues go, "Hey you idiot kids would it kill you to put down the Xbox and read a fucking book once in a while?" is a pretty good one.

    A good poster for her would have read, "Jesus, even 'The Lost Symbol' has some history in it."

  19. jgmurphy

    Google "Laura Bush Reads To Dead Iraqi Children," it was in harper's several years ago. A classic.

  20. slagondrayer

    I saw Laura speak at the duplicitous Get Motivated! seminar. Desperation was pungent. She nailed her speech about God, George gaffes, 9/11, and persevering under unfair liberal media scrutiny. Looking back at my notes from that day, underlined several times in the middle of the page is, "Laura Bush likely did not write her speech."

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