Washington Post Blows All Its John Boehner Boner Puns In One Profile

  premature loads

His friendships with lobbyists are just so BEAUTIFUL, bros.The Post ran a profile piece about John Boehner today, because pretty soon he will be third in line to the presidency. That would be fine, but they totally wasted all their good boner puns before he even became Speaker. C’mon, Post! You don’t have to make the title a pun. “The rise, fall and rise of John Boehner”? That sort of thing should be saved for his inevitable first admission of an affair with a lobbyist. And then there’s this: “Just before Thanksgiving 1998, John A. Boehner hit bottom. The Ohio congressman, once a comer in the Republican Party, was unceremoniously removed from his post in the House leadership.” “Bottom”? You’re really reaching for a gay thing there, Post. And just throwing “comer” in there too? It’s the second sentence, for crying out loud. The rest of the article is about Boehner crying and about how nothing will get passed in Congress once the GOP takes over the House, so they should have realized Boehner puns should be saved up to be used in the next year or so, when there will be no Congressional news at all.

That night, Boehner commiserated with his closest friends at Sam and Harry’s steakhouse in downtown Washington. He kept a brave face over glasses of red wine, until Republican Rep. Tom Latham of Iowa rose to toast his best friend. That’s when Boehner, who is prone to tears (it drives him crazy, but he can’t help it), lost it.

“Everybody in the whole room cried,” he said.

Aww, that’s when John Boehner lost his leadership job. He was so sad he didn’t have a cool title anymore. :(

And then there’s the usual stuff about how Boehner won’t be letting anything get passed without a Republican to sign it into law.

And the old “John Boehner only hangs out with lobbyists” stuff that still nobody can even be bothered to feign interest in.

Boehner has long drawn attention for his close relationship with lobbyists. His largest corporate donor over the past 20 years is AK Steel, an Ohio company whose lobbyists helped launch his political career in the mid-1980s. He has also accepted large checks from the financial services and insurance industries.

“I talk to everybody all the time,” Boehner said. “The question is not how close I am to them, the question is whether the people agree with what I’m doing.”

See, John Boehner talks to some people who aren’t lobbyists too! So it’s okay. Just like some people have a token black friend they are proud to have, John Boehner is proud to have a token friend who is not a lobbyist.

And to answer his question: Yes, obviously the lobbyists agree with what he is doing. Otherwise we would see him standing with his suitcases alone on a street corner outside the lobbyist’s house where he lives, crying. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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62 comments

    1. nicnack74

      Just take a good look at my face, you'll see my smill looks out of place. If you look closer it's easy to trace….The tracks of my tears…*Smoky Robinson*

      Somehow, I don't think Boehner is that deep.

      1. chicken_thief

        Stevie Wonder could see tracks of his tears – it would be those blindingly white streaks where the orange wore off.

  1. Tommmcattt

    The question is not how much money lobbyists shovel Boehner's way, they question, ultimately, is how many favors and how much tax money Boehner's gonna shovel back.

    Crocodile tears…

  2. Serolf_Divad

    The question isn't whether I'm a whore. The question is whether the people* are OK with me being a whore.

    *By the word "people" here please understand: "corporate donors."

    1. Ruhe

      No need to qualify "people" so as to reconcile Boehner's whoring with his electoral success. This is Southwest Ohio, after all.

  3. V572625694

    Does the term "beat sweetener" ring a familiar bell, Paul Kane? Isn't it a bit soon to start sucking the Dear Leader's dick in hopes of getting "deep background" stories?

    The funny part is that all the negative stuff in the article (whore to lobbyists, etc) doesn't count as negative with these people. They're all, "Dude, that's how government works, ya know? I'm just real good at it." Kane should've just included a price list.

    1. kenlayisalive

      Bridge to nowhere – $2 million
      Political Cover for Moving Your Car Parts Factory to China – $5 million

      The secret for getting that bright orange hi-pro glo – Priceless

  4. ma6ic

    This may be the first and only humor piece in the entire universe about John Boner that doesn't mention his orange skin.

  5. Serolf_Divad

    You know who else cries a lot, BTW? Fucking Glenn Beck.

    When did crying go from being something that pussy liberals in touch with their sensitive side did just before their girlfriends left them for a rugged, shirtless, ranch hand, to becoming the universal teabagger mating call?

  6. Wadisay

    By 2006, Boehner was once again on the rise.

    You, Jack, probably had to rush to the "john" and didn't get to the above gem on page 4. Thank you, WaPo, for helping us laugh in the face of doom.

  7. PsycWench

    "The Ohio congressman, once a comer in the Republican Party, was unceremoniously removed from his post in the House leadership.” “Bottom”? You’re really reaching for a gay thing there, Post."

    That is some clueless reaching. If gayness were truly involved, there would have been some ceremony.

    1. V572625694

      Of all the optional initiatives Hopey could've brought forward in what we now believe will have been a 2-year window of opportunity (Bush had already boxed him in on the economy), he picked the hardest one, health care, and got it done. It's not everything everybody wanted, but it's not nothing either. This is what sucks about politics: government doesn't do what's right; it does what it can.

      So let's look on the bright side and find terms the right hasn't already co-opted to characterize all their proposals before Barry vetoes them. Trouble is, they already own "class warfare" and "oppressive government intrusion," which are exactly the things they want to do.

      1. freakishlywrong

        Ah yes, I know. But on Mornin' Jethro, just before I clicked it off, about 2:06 in to the show, Jethro was agreeing with Newt, (a failed, loathed, ideologue), he's right this time! If Obamar has any, ANY chance at all of even thinking about running in 2012 he as to move to the "center". In other words, govern like a right wing Republican. In other words; no more of this reforming or making things better for the middle class. Join our agenda or GTFO. And they were deadly serious.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he could get the doc to do a little tear duct surgery so instead of tears, he weeps blood like that guy Le Chiffre in that cool Bond film. THAT would make the Dems' sphincters pucker!

  9. capitolhillblly

    Boehner will take matters firmly in hand and push hard for the corporate agenda. And lobbyists will whip out their checkbooks for Boehner.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      The long and short of it was about the frisson surging and pulsating through Boehner as he inserts himself more forcefully in to the dark crevices of Congressional politics, ultimately climaxing in a paroxysm of adulation showering down upon him.

  10. Kidneys4Sale

    For some reason I can get on teh Wonkette at work, but I cannot search for a bukakke themed animated emoticon. Could someone please track that down and send it to Jack so he can correct this post?

  11. Eve8Apples

    "The rest of the article is about Boehner crying and about how nothing will get passed in Congress once the GOP takes over the House"

    Sounds like Boner intends to be useless and impotent when he is in charge. Maybe we should slip him some Viagra so he stiffens that upper lip and has what it takes to get the job done.

  12. Failure_Artist

    I don't even know the real way to pronounce his name. I've learned it before but it is all erased by the sweet sound of boner.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    That whole WaPo article really really makes me miss the 1970s incarnation of the National Lampoon.

  14. mumbly_joe

    because pretty soon he will be third in line to the presidency.

    Holy crap Jack, why would you point out shit like this. We already have nutcase pastor that's likely to win his congressional bid who's also threatening violent overthrow of the government, if they don't like the results of the election, and desert lunatic Sharron Angle suggesting "Second Amendment solutions" also; if they realize they can get Preznit Boner out of the deal, they're pretty much going to start not-metaphorically-for-votes gunning for Obiden as soon as the 112th Congress starts. Fuck.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Having someone from the legislative branch in line for the executive branch is stupid anyways. The current law was signed in 1947, and Truman's rationale for wanting Speaker next is flawed, and unnecessary given the 25th Amendment.

  15. chascates

    Boehner being in line for the Presidency is my chief dread. He'd probably pick Sarah Palin to placate the teatards and someone would be bound to off him then. She'd get rid of the Departments of Education, Commerce, Agriculture, the EPA, BATFE, and Justice's Civil Rights Division. And that would just be her first day in office!

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Yes, but tax cuts for the rich combined with a 900% increase per annum in the Alaska Permanent Fund. So win-win!

  16. notreelyhelping

    Wait until Cantor challenges him for the leadership: CANTOR WRESTLES BOEHNER. (Film at 11:00.)

  17. Kitty_Sanchez

    Anh…even with the weepy drama, they'll get bored with him and complain that he shot his wad too early.

  18. CapeClod

    "The rest of the article is about Boehner crying and about how nothing will get passed in Congress once the GOP takes over the House"

    My guess is that the rank and file toss him out as speaker for being too much of a big pussy and give the job to the teabagger who likes to play Nazi dress-up.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Not just Nazi dress up but Ukrainian Waffen SS dress up. Yes. That would be entertaining and more illustrative of the NEWGOP. Heil.

  19. Mindblank

    If (and I write IF!) Boehner is elevated to Speaker of the House, it'll all turn into one giant cock-up.

  20. MistaEko

    Oh Washington Post, can you ever regain your status as paragon of hard-hitting journalism?

    HELL NO YOU CAN'T!

  21. BarackMyWorld

    Although he's been in Washington for 20 years, I'm sure Boehner doesn't want to be judged by the length of his service.

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