it's morning in america

Joe Miller Admits He Lies About Everything, Even ‘Computers’

Computers DO exist, Joe Miller. Please stop lying.

  • Joe Miller lied about computers. What does this even mean? It means Joe says he’s never heard of computers, when in fact he has used computers several times, for all sorts of unethical things. (He wrongly used a computer for “political purposes,” and not for sending Animal P0rno to Carl Paladino? Weird.) Poor Joe Miller probably suffers from OCD, and has to lock-unlock-lock his door thirty times and then lie about something before he can leave the house. “OCD” is actually the war disability that Joe Miller lied about having, in order to receive his monthly Army Welfare Check. See? It’s a dangerous cycle. Pretty soon Joe Miller is going to start lying about everything, even if these things have nothing to do with his joke-campaign: “Hey Joe, is this your sandwich?” “Nope, I don’t even know what sandwiches are.” Then you eat the sandwich and Joe is all, “What the heck? That was my sandwich!” And then Joe Miller will arrest you. [AP/The Caucus]
  • Omar Khadr pled guilty to “terrorism,” because if he didn’t he would have been shipped back to Bagram Airbase for more routine torturing. What did this Evil Terrorist even do? How many women and children did he slaughter/eat? Oh you know, he killed an American soldier, during a “war.” JAG (or whatever) was actually going to charge Omar Khadr with war crimes, but then Omar’s defense attorney pointed out Mr. Khadr doesn’t have a book deal and has not been offered a professorship, so how could he be a war criminal? Oh and also: Omar was fifteen when he killed this foreign invader/committed this atrocious crime against humanity. Anyway, now he knows not to shoot back when Americans shoot at him! [ThinkProgress]
  • Every single law passed in the State of Arizona is unconstitutional. [CNN]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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114 comments

  1. Terry

    Well, I can believe that all the laws passed in Arizona are illegal. The sun baked their brains out that way evidently.

    On a separate subject, it might be easier just to report the rare times when Joe Miller tells the truth.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Now, if only he could make me irrationally fear brown people, he might be the Ultimate Republican.

  2. Badonkadonkette

    I wish I could find humor in the ongoing, rabid, mindless support Republicans show for guys like Joe Miller, even when he admits he's a corrupt liar, or Sarah Palin, who has repeatedly, indepedently been determined to be a corrupt liar, or Rand Paul, who literally hires thugs who will beat women who would vote against him, or David Vitter, who runs on family values and then hires prostitutes to indulge his diaper fetish, or Sharron Angle, who repeatedly explicitly and implicitly expresses her hatred for the First Amendment, or Christine O'Donnell, who can't even balance her own checkbook, has been committing campaign finance law violations for longer than she's been campaigning, and doesn't even know who's in the Senate. And these are the same Republicans who thought getting a blow job in the oval office was a grave crime.

    Um…there's no punchline.

    1. x111e7thst

      Republicans oppose all blow jobs that don't involve a congressional page or a chance encounter in an airport bathroom. It's right there in the party platform.

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        Seriously… How about using a more tried-and-true comedy format:

        Two republicans walk in to a bar. The first Republican says "Obamar is a muslin soshulist! He wants sharia law! Keep your damn marxist soshulism off my damn medicare, you kenyan nazi marxist!" The second republican replies, "My taxes are too damn high! Are the interns supposed to meet us in the men's room, or do I just wait in the stall and tap my toes?"

    2. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Your rant should be a TV commercial. I'm not sure who should read it. Andy Griffith talks too slow for that to fit into 30 seconds.
      Suggestions people?

      1. weejee

        Jar Jar Binks, if you want the target audience to understand the message. Using Apu would raise the Messican thing and be counterproductive.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          TD Waterhouse kinda killed his moral outrage platform.

          The problem is finding someone who can simultaneously speak, think and is not immediately branded an elitist, uppity or both by "real Amuricans" (i.e. 40-70 year olds who fear change, ride Rascals and actually think stomping someone because your back hurts too much to bend down is a sane course of action). Unfortunately, Tom Bosely just died, Wilford Brimly is a front man for Medicare waste and abuse, and Morgan Freeman is doing the Woody Allen with his step granddaughter.

          I dunno – maybe we can do some CGI hocus pocus and make Swayze speak to them from beyond the grave.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            Jeez, why's everybody pissed at DA Jack McCoy? For associating with a Wall Street Brokerage Firm? Curse the whole Barry Administration then (more than usual). Enlighten me if Waterhouse killed or defrauded somebody, or why Waterston's not a decent fellow who supports some good causes.

          2. DangerHelvetica

            He kept my grandparents' medicine cabinet from being raided by The Robots, and for that he's OK by me.

      2. BarryOPotter

        The answer is obvious: give Snowbilly Grifter enough of the good stuff, and she'll deliver your message in a word salad with all the fixins. Of course, the weak link in this plan is the translation – Badonkadonkette's wonderful words will have to be transalated into Snogriftese, which remains a foreign tongue to anyone with a decent education and/or common fucking sense. Relying on a third party to faithfully translate the message's content and meaning opens one up to be, well, grifted.

        So, shit. I'm drawing a blank here. I hear GW's looking for something to do. Has anyone asked him?

    3. PsycWench

      We can all feel some deep satisfaction that the Republicans impeached Clinton and demonized him for getting a blow job and lying about it, with the result that Clinton remained president but Gringrich resigned.

      1. BarryOPotter

        Can you blame Clinton for not wanting the world to know that Newt was smoking Billy Boy's pipe? I didn't think so. And Newt, well he knew better than to do that to a sitting president (or was he standing?). Wait, what? Oh. Never mind.

    4. JMPEsq

      The humor comes when they turn around and claim we're all a bunch of mindless hive-mind insects; yeah, that's why we're all enthusiastically supporting Alvin Greene.

  3. neiltheblaze

    "Pretty soon Joe Miller is going to start lying about everything"

    What do you mean "pretty soon"?

  4. Sparky_McGruff

    Joe Miller has OCD? If that stands for "Obsessing about Cock Daily", then I can see it. I think the "Miami Vice" beard is a clue.

  5. EdFlintstone

    So he gets 10 checks from the Alaska Energy Fund for the family of 10, got farm subsidies, gets a partial disability(about which he won't discuss) from the military, family healthcare for a 20 hour work week, and his wife was on unemployment. I'm predicting right now if elected, Joe Miller will be the first US senator to go on workers comp from a slip and fall when nobody is looking.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I think it would be a "no show" job for him. Kinda like my senior year in high school, only he'd get $174,000 a year for it. I just took long lunches at the Taco Bell.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      And he'll represent himself and bill his legal fees to the government under the Federal Tort Claims Act.

      His personnel records have a bunch of other sliminess in them – suggestions he cancelled a surgery after getting leave approved for it, wiped his e-mail clean, consciously misconstrued instructions and directions to create a reason to quit (in his mind justifiably, but the documents don't bear him out). He reads as a real whack job – but that's hardly news or a disqualification from GOP power circles.

    3. NorthStarSpanx

      When the price of oil was peaking at over $100 a barrel, Alaska was drowning in oil royalty monies. Pain at the pump is due to the fact that there are only two refineries, one owned by the Koch Bros. who could charge whatever they want as long as there wasn't any price fixing. Anchorage experienced as high as $4.80 a gallon and the off-road villages, up to $11 a gallon for heating fuel.

      Sarah's carefully orchestrated narrative of taking on Big Oil (by raising taxes on earnings rather than production) and conveniently 'birthing' a DS child wasn't enough to secure her name on the GOP's VP list of contenders, so she upped the ante by announcing the Super PFD, where the Governor paid out a $729 million dollar relief program as a way for the state to share some of its multibillion-dollar oil revenue surplus with Alaska voters. I mean residents. The move shot her approval rating up to 93%.

      The PFD announced that year was $2,069. Energy Rebate, $1,200.

      The Palin household of 7 brought in $22,883 of non hard-working dollars.
      Joe Miller, his wife Kate + 8 = $32,690

      Scrape by on that alone or enjoy the cushiest supplemental income around. And not having to say it's welfare or a social safety net program? Priceless.

  6. MathIsHard

    I can't snark about Khadr. They didn't just get a confession, they got him to say he was "happy" about killing Americans, and that he was expecting to receive a 1500 USD reward for every kill. Like somehow hearing him agree to all of that will mean Amnesty International and UNICEF and every other organization that has condemned this whole fucking affair will have to back off because obviously he's Osama Bin Laden Jr.

    I mean, jesus, why didn't they add "and you have to twirl your mustache and shift your eyes left and right when the camera's on you" to the plea deal?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      After making a work-related site visit to the prison at Bagram back in '07 (related to removing some hazwaste from a couple of the rooms there), I have to admit that I would have said any fucking thing they wanted to hear in order to get out of there. Lucky for me all I had to do was take a look at the proposed job and say was "No, we can't do this job" and I was able to leave. One of the most horrible fucking places I have ever seen. But there's a Popeye's at the base exchange.

      1. JMPEsq

        The practical reason not to torture was probably best presented by Nice Guy Eddie in Reservoir Dogs: "If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you he started the goddamn Chicago fire, now that don't necessarily make it fucking so! "

      2. Dashboard_Jesus

        well thank gawd there's at least 1 redeeming quality to the place (and that's the jeebus gawd, NOT the muslin one!) unless of course you think Popeye's is the worst fast food place on the planet, which means having one in hell (Bagram) sounds perfect!

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          It was the only one in-country at the time. Burger Kings and Pizza Huts were ubiquitous at all the bases. Every time I had to make the roadie out to Bagram, I'd end up having to spend a hundo at Popeye's to bring back to the folks at the villa.

  7. tcaalaw

    In re Omar Khadr: Cet animal est trés méchant! Quand on l'attaque, il se defend. — Theodore P. K., La Menagerie, 1868.

  8. freakishlywrong

    Ms. Dolan said Mr. Miller had eventually told her he was using the computers to vote with “different URLs”

    As a geek, that says a mouthful about yet another grifter from Alaskduh.

    1. PsycWench

      I am such a failure as a computer geek that I still have to look up the HTML tags everytime I attempt a hyperlink, and I still see why that was stupid.

    2. mumbly_joe

      Also, wow, Freeper much?

      I would assume this is the case, since a) only Freepers consider skewing internet polls by responding on multiple computers to be the highest form of political activism, and b) unlike /b/ and Redditt, which do similar stuff "for the lulz", as they say, Freepers lack the technological sophistication to realize that networked computers share an IP address, let alone to develop and use an automated script to do the work for them.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      It gets better – it was his own poll, and he did it to try and fabricate evidence supporting a putsch of Alaska GOP officials supported by the Snowbilly Grifter herself. Based on what he told the other employees, he basically lost it when someone publicly said there was no evidence of support for the idea and decided making some up was better than trying to find people to go along with his position. Further proof he'd fit right in with DeMint, Inhofe, et al.

      Why bother with only 3 people? Because he then converted the display from raw votes to percentages.

  9. deleted5757217

    Has anyone here ever actually MET a West Point grad? When I was at DLI there was one in my class, holy shit he was fucking insane. He made up nicknames for everyone in the class (really unfunny and bad ones) and would re-arrange the unused pins on bulletin boards into straight, color coordinated lines. He wasn't very smart, either. Just OCD with no sense of humour – despite his constant attempts to the contrary – and utterly socially inept.

    1. jodyleek

      I used to date a West Point cadet. He was also my high school sweetheart. During high school, he was a very kind, accommodating and gracious guy who everyone liked – a Ferris Bueller archetype. If he disagreed with you politically, you'd never know it because he was so diplomatic and measured. If you take a look at his Facebook page now, you'd never know it was the same person – extremely overweight, extremely Rethuglican, lives in Tejas, and is pictured wearing a flag print shirt whilst embraced by none other than Governor Goodhair. West Point does strange things to otherwise good people. Sad. Very, very sad.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        I can relate, my formerly favorite nephew was a wonderful young man in H.S. and is now a horrible Naval Academy grad who turned out about the same as yer friend, 'cept w/out the obesity…it's so unfortunate cuz he just continually regurgitates the garbage they feed him…I'm glad his Navy veteran and proud liberal Irish grandpa ain't around to see how he turned out, with his dissing the govt. every chance he gets while LITERALLY feeding off it's teet every single freakin' day and in his eventual retirement (and knowing US taxpayers have to pay for this 'edukashun at the War Academies pisses me off to no end) very sad indeed…*shakes fist, steps down from soapbox*

    2. ttommyunger

      As one who has some personal experience with these types (being kicked out of USMA Prep @ Ft. Belvoir, Va. for unnecessary violence) I can tell you some of them seem to get through the whole four years without being bent for life. I don't know how they manage, but a few seem to.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I've been around ringknockers from all three academies just about my entire life, from my early years as a dependent through active duty to the present day as a DoD/USAF civilian. I think the average skews to the right, but yeah, there are enough sane ones out there to preclude condemning the whole lot sight unseen.

    3. MoeDeLawn

      I (as a draftee clerk) worked for one in Germany in early 70s. He was actually pretty decent, as far as Army officers (or NCOs) went. Of course, since he was a 1stLt, the fact that he was not leading a platoon in Nam improved his outlook on life considerably.

    4. BerkeleyBear

      The valedictorian of my law school class was both a Pointer and a decent guy. Now, he had been recruited there to play football, not because he had a lifetime hardon for the military, and he gave up the football because it was messing with his efforts at breaking curfew. He was still in the military in school, but had no interest in being a career type at the time, got along fine with our largely liberal student body and he liked the occassional beer or ten.

      Of course, I know an Annapolis grad, too, who wishes it were still the 1950s so he didn't have to deal with women or minorities as equals in the workplace, so I know experiences vary widely.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Your Annapolis grad probably would have been uncomfortable around my Annapolis grad, who flew S-3s for 8 years and now flies 757s for Delta, but is a Puerto Rican married to a blond white woman and (gasp!) a liberal.

  10. donner_froh

    The campaign to free child soldiers has taken a new turn. Instead of rescue and rehabilitation we will chain them up on the American Devil's Island, torture them and force them to confess to crimes they weren't charged with.

    The humanitarian tradition in war and peace.

  11. Serolf_Divad

    "Miller said the fact he is flawed shows he is like others — and is a value he brings as a candidate. "

    "Miller said the fact that he's a conniving sonofabitch who is willing to engage in fraudalent voting and identity theft in order to get other people fired means he's just an ordinary scumbag, no different from that asshole two cubicles down from you who's always taking credit for other people's work and ideas –atrtibutes that would make him a great U.S. Senator. "

    There… FIXED!

  12. revmod

    Finally, a clear win for the adminstration. Gitmo, torturing, Joshua Claus, holding a child for eight years without due process – it has finally produced a clear result. Get out the waterboards, boys – we've got some more confessions to produce if we're going to close Gitmo down any time soon.

    Save some of your curses for my Canadian government, who sent interrogators disguised as consular services. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQHFFbD_-Pg

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      Maybe the internet works differently at those lattitudes. When you replace the router with a dead moose, all bets are off.

  13. mumbly_joe

    Ha, so America tortured an alleged child soldier for most of a decade, and then charged him with war crimes. This would literally be the definition of irony, if it didn't also make me want to vomit with rage.

  14. CapeClod

    2006 and 2008 pretty much swept the delusional, bat shit crazy Republican caucus out of office, (with the exception of Bachmann), so its not suprising that they would attempt to replenish their ranks.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Inhofe. DeMint. Vitter. Coburn. Enzi.

      Foxx. Bachmann. Gohmert.

      I dunno, you'd think there'd be a batshit crazy capacity or something.

  15. HurricaneAli

    "This decision is an outrage and a slap in the face to all Arizonans who care about the integrity of their elections race," the statement said.

    /fixed.

  16. EdFlintstone

    Joe's military disability maybe lockjaw, from sucking on the hated government teat too hard and too long.

  17. Chet Kincaid

    So he astroturfed different accounts to vote in an online poll?

    Stowell-Rebel, get the fuck off "Wankette," you've got a campaign to run!

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      The most interesting fact? It wasn't some random online poll sanctioned or recognized by the State Republican party, it was HIS OWN site.

      Sarah Palin, palling around with like-minded, delusional, NPD, self assassinating characters.

  18. prommie

    Joe Miller's problem is that his thugs are too soft, they mollycoddle his enemies, "arresting" them and using handcuffs. They need to start stomping on anyone who asks a question, stomp 'em right in the face, thats the amurrican tea party way. Do the Liberal Stomp, its the new dance craze!

  19. JMPEsq

    The thing about this Arizona is, these days vote fraud is pretty much non-existent, but the possibility; despite the fact that existing protections work fine to prevent it; is used as a justification for laws like these ID rules designed to make voting a pain in the ass for the poor, particularly minorities, so that they will be less likely to vote and the rich can their preferred candidates and into office.

    It's basically a modern-day attempt to resurrect poll taxes, circumventing the Twenty-Fourth Amendment.

  20. elviouslyqueer

    In doling out the punishment, Broker said she considered the action an "isolated incident," and noted Miller's acceptance of responsibility. She said Miller had been under "significant stress" the last few months, and "it has affected your judgment."

    Yea, Joe, I guess continually "working while actively stupid" can be pretty stressful.

  21. ttommyunger

    Other than the Martial Law, war with Iran, domestic chaos and economic ruin, have you Wonkettes considered the fun we'll have lampooning the antics of Senators O'Donnell, Miller and Angle? And the professional comedians? They are chubbing up like motherfuckers just thinking about it.

    1. zhubajie

      You just know all the T-tards will hate each other and fight all the time. If they actually do make the US government default on it's debt, well, that will end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

  22. johnnyzhivago

    Speaking of War Crimes, my lawyer tells me it's OK to spray wasps EVEN IF they are attempting to surrender – because you can't surrender to a can of wasp spray.

  23. ThePrincessPat

    I started reading the Joe Miller article & couldn't get past this line – "They were released a week before the hotly contested three-way Senate race."

    Am I the only one who started drifting off into hot 3-way fantasyland when I read that?

  24. NorthStarSpanx

    Maddow caught up with Miller yesterday at the Dena'ina Center in downtown Anchorage.

    I'm still trying to figure out which encounter was stranger for Rachel, getting schooled on All things Alaskan by mouth breather Tank Jones, the Eric Holder hating lady that's got a hard on for the Black Panthers or Joe Miller's walk and talk interview in which he said he'll do anything 3/4ths of the vote tells him to do.

    I think I know why the Teatards hate Eric Holder, instead of telling them that they are exceptional in Sarah Palin's world, we are, instead, a nation of cowards. That don't play with head stomping jackboots with bad backs.

  25. mavenmaven

    This fits the new narrative. What the real merikuns want are the liars, freaks, clowns, quitters, sex-deprived, losers, and illiterate in power, in short, people like them to represent them.

  26. LakeLucilleLoon

    Also yesterday on Talk of Alaska candidate forum he said that he had never said he was a disabled vet and has never collected military disability payments. However, has a service related hearing loss and a service related knee injury; neither of which he has ever sought treatment for.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Wellllll, that wasn't so hard was it Joe? Giving us an answer?

      Wait, what? WTF did he say to Phil Munger then as to why he'd never cut VA funds – he was seriously disabled. Now it's so-so disabled and doesn't trouble the VA to treat him?

  27. Tundra Grifter

    "'I appear to be the only candidate in this Senate race whose entire life history matters to the media,'" Miller said Tuesday in a statement about the release of the records…

    "Miller, who defeated GOP Sen. Lisa Murkowski in the Alaska primary, has been dogged for months by questions about his work with the borough, which was a seven-year gap in his resume that he didn't include in his campaign site biography."

    If that doesn't prove the GNoP is the party of personal responsibility, I don't know what does. Why in the world would "the media" bother to investigate the 7-year gap in a political candidate's resume? It's not his fault it looks like a state prison bit for a second time B&E conviction.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Seems to be a recurring theme with the majority of these Tea Bagger/Republiklan candidates. Once the questioning starts, they blame the media for asking the questions.

  28. donner_froh

    "Miller said the fact he is flawed shows he is like others — and is a value he brings as a candidate"

    What the fuck–Hey I have lots of flaws, maybe even more than Joe Miller. So I am more qualified to be a senator than he is.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      This is the Sarah Palin Syndrome. The right wing nutz only support "just plain folks" as candidates. People with brains, accomplishments, or other liberal sounding achievements, just aren't political timber.

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, fully 3/4s of my life has been spent in or around the military, so yeah I guess I have built up a tolerance to the BS, just nod and smile. Glad to hear your boy got out of the dustbowl in one piece. I've got a younger cousin, major in the Mass NG, who has done 3 or 4 tours in Iraq and one (so far) in Afghanistan, but his wife is a bitch so he volunteers so he can get out of the house for a year at a time, plus the money's a lot better than he made as the mgr of an auto parts house. My old man was a mustang, only ever got to major due to his refusal to play golf with the colonel and other suck-up requirements, as well as his penchant for taking cool assignments rather than career-enhancing ones (bonus for me was growing up in some pretty neat places in various countries). My experience was that the chaplain's kids were always troublemakers—you the exception or the rule?

    1. ttommyunger

      Pretty much the rule, but I have managed to avoid incarceration-so far- the day is young.My son is a Mustang, 4 yrs Armor, made E-5, honor grad at NCO Acad. Got his degree on Uncle's dime and entered KNG OCS program. Just before his commissioning, I brought him aside and told him I understood that he might be required to do some unusual things as a part of his commitment as an Officer and a Gentleman, and that was OK; but if he ever had to play golf, just never ever tell me about it.Nod and smile is a great gift, I've known many men with that gift/talent and am sincerely envious. No shame in Major, great rank. Equivalent to the coveted Corporal; all the bennies with few of the responsibilities. Had an Uncle retired Major (Mustang) and his retirement checks never bounced. Dad admitted he finally got to Field Grade by giving in to Golf and learning to take a drink at the General's parties. What a Country!

    2. ttommyunger

      Pretty much the rule, but I have managed to avoid incarceration-so far- the day is young.My son is a Mustang, 4 yrs Armor, made E-5, honor grad at NCO Acad. Got his degree on Uncle's dime and entered KNG OCS program. Just before his commissioning, I brought him aside and told him I understood that he might be required to do some unusual things as a part of his commitment as an Officer and a Gentleman, and that was OK; but if he ever had to play golf, just never ever tell me about it.Nod and smile is a great gift, I've known many men with that gift/talent and am sincerely envious. No shame in Major, great rank. Equivalent to the coveted Corporal; all the bennies with few of the responsibilities. Had an Uncle retired Major (Mustang) and his retirement checks never bounced. Dad admitted he finally got to Field Grade by giving in to Golf and learning to take a drink at the General's parties. What a Country!

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