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Rand Paul Coordinator Apologizing For Stomping Now, Is Summonsed

Yeah, sorry about that, IF that hurt or something.That guy who smashed some MoveOn lady’s head with his foot is “sorry that it came to that” and says he apologizes “if it appeared overly forceful.” Oh yes, it may have appeared that way, but this is actually the way Kentucky gentlemen greet members of the opposite sex. It’s a cultural thing you don’t understand, but this man was forced to get that girl on the ground and stomp on her, out of custom and out of his undying love for America’s most important uncertified ophthalmologist. “I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Tim Profitt said. Awwww! Nobody puts Rand in a corner! How sweet! Also, it turns out this guy is actually Rand’s “Bourbon County coordinator” and now “is currently being served with a criminal summons ordering him to appear before a Fayette County District Court Judge.” So the two of them can chuckle about this over mint juleps.

“A friend of mine went up to three policeman before Rand got there, and told them about the girl who was standing there with that wig on and that she was getting ready to do something,” Profitt said. “The policemen looked at him and said that’s not our job.”

No, it’s not generally a job of police officers to stomp on people’s heads because they’re annoying. Or anyone’s job, for that matter, except for people on reality teevee shows.

Paul’s campaign called the altercation “incredibly unfortunate” and expressed relief that the woman was not injured.

That’s nice of them. Those kind words from Rand Paul’s other workers will heal whatever head wounds she has. [AP/Barefoot and Progressive]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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177 comments

      1. petehammer

        Yes they're plants. Christine O'Donnell, Rand Paul, Sarah Palin… all possess no intelligence and utilize photosynthesis to eat.

    1. eastcoastelite

      You saw that on the Mother Jones post on FB and now you are passing it off as fact….FOR SHAME ;-)

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Their very faith in God and Creationism negates such a complex biological chemical reaction.

        Think Herald the Missionary in Erik the Viking (1989) who couldn't "see" all the netherworld blasphemy threatening his mates with purgatory.

        The Berserkers are what inspire the Tea Party activists to defend their delicate little candidates from unarmed elites.

    2. Kitty_Sanchez

      I was thinking I might try a nice liberal plant in my living room. I dunno. I've had bad luck with ivies and ferns and I thought I might just go with a nice silk imitation. What would you recommend?

  1. bumfug

    "The camera angle made it look worse than it was." Yeah, the camera was unfortunately angled toward this cretin instead of pointing in the opposite direction.

    1. Not_So_Much

      In his defense, she was nearly 98 pounds and wearing a blond wig. Clearly a threat to Aqua Buddha-Boy. When the police refused to go all Rodney King on her, he really didn't have a choice.

    2. NYNYNY

      "I'm sorry if it appeared overly forceful, in fact, I'm sorry it appeared. I had no idea I was being filmed. Clear eyesight, forethought and self-restraint are not our strong suits in Bourbon County."

  2. prommie

    Dagnabbit, its in the Declaration of Constitutional Liberty, the tree of liberty has to be watered by the stomping of the grape-like heads of commie traitor liberals!

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      I guess it is now "The Curb of Liberty".

      I just assumed the Tree of Liberty was doing very well on its own lately, watered by all the drool of the subhuman dipshits loitering around it.

  3. Lascauxcaveman

    it’s not generally a job of police officers to stomp on people’s heads because they’re annoying.

    An old dude I know who was in Chicago in the Summer of 1968 remembers it differently. (Heck, he's probably just senile.)

    1. MoeDeLawn

      Ah, the 60s (and early 70s). Good times. It's important, I think, to remember that various arms of the gov't were shooting live ammo at citizens. And stomping, of course.

  4. Boredw/Gravity

    Don't forget Sharron Angle's "2nd Amendment remedies" and that asshat in Texas' "violent overthrow of the government." These guys are truly amazing.

  5. Gopherit

    From TPM: "Late update: Valle spoke to reporters this afternoon, telling them that the men who attacked her were familiar with her from other protests."

    So these guys knew her, they put her down, and they hurt her. Please let the Nation of Islam come out next time to "escort" the next person wanting to exercise their free speech.

  6. metamarcisf

    So, in a week both Rand Paul and Joe Miller are probably going to be senator-elects. It's starting to feel like Poland in 1938 all over again.

    1. zhubajie

      I keep telling you guys to "flee the wrath which is to come." Go teach English in Uruguay or something. The US is going to go Bosnia or Congo.

    2. Negropolis

      Uh-uh. Now, you're getting into the Pete Hoekstra is a Meme territory.

      I'm sleep-deprived, this morning. Now, I know what it must have been like to spend a year in the Hanoi Hilton.

  7. Progressiveinga

    Will we have to wait 19 years for this?:
    "Good morning, Move-On Librul Protester Girl, it's Tim Profitt. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my candidate, Randy. So give it some thought and certainly pray about this and come to understand why you did what you did. Okay have a good day."

  8. PeaceWithHonor

    This must be that compassionate conservatism. The other kind just blows her head clean off.

  9. GuyClinch

    Just read in NYT that she got a concussion from the Bourbon County Kentucky Gentleman (which usually just gives me a bad hangover). Anyhow, if she had on a "Don't Teabag on Me" shirt I'm sure this never would've happened.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    Well, I'm sure that FOX News will run this wall to wall until the election, like they did the film of the SEIU guys knocking over that teabagger at a health care summit. Heck, I expect both Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity to announce that they will not let it drop until Rand Paul is personally arrested for this.

    1. EdFlintstone

      Tonight on Hannity………A hard working white supporter of upstart Rand Paul was brutally head butted in the foot by one of George Soros' thugs!!! Lets roll the videotape…..backwards.

  11. glamourdammerung

    This scumbag blaming the cops for not stopping him from assaulting a woman (with help no less) is not the same thing as an apology.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    I can't believe Blackwater/Xe isn't campaigning against Paul, Miller and the rest of the teabaggers — why, if those people get elected, there'll be no reason to hire corporate goons who act with impunity, since these idiots will be bringing their own to town.
    Oh, and I hope Lauren Vallee sues the fuck out of Rand Paul and his idiot head-stomping thug.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I thought the same thing about the lawsuit. Only problem is, it will give Rand Paul a reason to scream about the need for tort reform.

  13. Pragmatist2

    A concussion is not considered an "injury" among Rand Paul fans because it only affects the mind.

  14. chascates

    Along with not having debates teatard candidates are permitted to handcuff, stomp, or shush people asking nosy questions (i.e., "What is your position on…Aargh, HELP!").

  15. notreelyhelping

    Another episode of…The Randy Griffith show!

    Otis: "I just got to say, I'm real sorry I got caught on videotape."

    Randy slaps the back of his head with his cap.

    Otis: "I mean, I'm real sorry if I hurted that lady or somethin'."

  16. Maman

    "sorry that it came to that…." Did Christine O'Donnell bewitch this git's foot so he has no control over it?

  17. Kitty_Sanchez

    Paul's campaign "…expressed relief that the woman was not injured…" and hope that if they continue to yell this loudly enough, nobody will remember reading the part of the news report where the 23-yr-old woman "said her face was swollen and her neck and shoulder were sore after she was wrestled to the ground by Paul supporters."

  18. metamarcisf

    If Lauren Valle was a starting quarterback in the NFL, a concussion would probably keep her out of this Sunday's contest. And Tim Profitt would be fined upwards of $75,000 for illegal contact, and possibly suspended. But this isn't the NFL, so Profitt will probably have to settle for his own afternoon talk radio show.

    1. Progressiveinga

      Pretty sure. The Jackass Dudes are sincere and somewhat competent. Rand Paul and his merry band of asshats not so much.

  19. LionelHutzEsq

    But I thought the Aqua Buddha was a way of peace and pot. Now I don't believe in any thing! I'm going to law school!

  20. barkingspiders

    Stomper dude apparently has a name, Mike Pezzano. You can do the Google thing, my work here is done.

    Whups, my bad, the dude mentioned above is the wrastler.

    1. valgal2342

      Stomper Dude's name is Tim Proffit. Mike Pezzano is supposedly the guy who took her down, he's the one wearing the Don't Tread on Me button. Kid. you. not. But no confirmation yet on Mikey.

  21. mercianomad

    "I'm sorry it came to that. " Oh, how those words are always just like magic love-inspiring rainbows of healing, even if they don't really mean it and secretly enjoyed every moment being and behaving as one of the multitudes of prehistorical protohumans that unfortunately still exist and propagate among us.

  22. Ducksworthy

    Somebody's probably said this already but did the cops not interfere because Randy had not paid his annual $75 police protection fee?

  23. waitforsugar

    "Profitt then pushes his foot down on her head." Oh cool then Fox. He just "pushed" her head on the concrete with his foot. That's totally ok in my book.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Well to be fair he did't get a chance to position her front teeth on the curb before "pushing" her head as he had originally intended. So a lot of the effect was lost.

    1. carlgt1

      well even weirder, this asshole Proffitt is on TV (shouldn't he be in jail instead?) saying he would like an apology from the victim!

  24. Tundra Grifter

    "We can disagree on issues, and I don't know what preceded the incident, but physical violence by a man against a woman must never be tolerated," [Democratic candidate Jack] Conway said in a statement. "It is my hope that steps have been taken to ensure this kind of thuggish behavior never happens again in this campaign."

    Appears to me that steps being taken was the problem in the first place.

  25. Chet Kincaid

    "Bourbon County Coordinator" sounds like a bar night promotion position for Jim Beam. You bring in bales of hay, piles of KFC original recipe and a bluegrass band, and the boys get to wrassle all the Rachel Maddow lookalikes they can pin down.

      1. Beowoof

        C-Span will get so many viewers and the republicans in control I can see the ads now. Money to reduce the deficit, no, the money will be for more Xe/Blackwater Goons.

      2. HistoriCat

        Forget UFC – the best matches will be in Congress. No more boring speeches, everything gets settled by mano-a-mano action!

  26. Tundra Grifter

    If it were legal to arrest a person for wearing a wig and appearing to be "about to do something" the jails would be even more full than they already are. Which is pretty damn full. I guess this idiot has never been in the San Francisco Tenderloin at 1 am.

    Some of those girls are actually women!

    Meanwhile, why is it the right wing nutz are the ones who want to arrest anyone for anything?

    1. Beowoof

      Oh I am sure they have the same type of girls in Kentucky, as matter of fact it wouldn't surprise me if this guys was married to one. Is that legal?

    2. zhubajie

      If all the Republican congresscritters and t-tards wearing toupes were arrested, how many would be free?

  27. DaSandman

    ahh what goes around comes around down in that subliterate cesspool.Someone will suck down some brews and pop off a few rounds in his direction in the name of the Confederacy or Southern Pride or No Way To Treat a White Wimman or some such shit.

    1. nachoproblem

      There are no more white women. There are only Teatards and Teatardesses. Every one else is honorarily a Nigra.

      That said, anyone who changes her screen name to "Teatardess" should get a million billion pee points.

  28. Radiotherapy

    Ya know everybody, maybe we need to revisit that whole "right to peaceably assemble" thing from the 1st Amendment. I mean, when there are angry liberals and whatnot blocking the doors to my business, doesn't it just infringe on my free market rights? Huh?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      What the founding fathers must really have meant (using the Secret Teabagger Code, of course) was that you have the right to peacably assemble your adversaries in a barbedwire enclosure.

  29. riverside68

    She should be charged for assaulting his shoe. There he was with his foot in the air, and she slammed her head against it!

    (I did have a client charged with destruction of governmental property for denting the hood of a police car with his head.)

  30. iburl

    I offer my apology if my gentle foot taps on that commie lesbo's butch head may have seemed, from that unfortunate angle, to have been misinterpreted as slightly over enthusiastic…but the bitch was askin fer it.

    1. V572625694

      This is one of the great frustrations of being stuck in Kentucky for work purposes. You find whatever godforsaken shit-heel town you're supposed to get to, check into your fleabag motel, and then find out you have to drive 60 fucken miles to get drink. It makes you mad enough to stomp liberals.

  31. kenlayisalive

    I'm just glad someone is keeping America's most beloved kidnapper and pot head safe from small women.

    I mean, when someone is attempting to hand you a piece paper, there is a mild risk of receiving a paper cut.

  32. kenlayisalive

    See, I knew it. Libertarianism sounds fun to the uninitiated. No taxes, legal weed.

    But we all know that it ends with legalized head stomping. And then probably a constitutional amendment safe guarding cannibalism isn't far behind.

  33. Kitty_Sanchez

    Fixed:

    "Not as bad as it looked on video? They say the camera always adds at least 10 foot-pounds. (Or Newtons, if you're in England.)

  34. hagajim

    Does bailing this jackass out of jail for assault constitute a campaign expense? If it does I'm sure the US Chamber would pony up the money.

  35. lochnessmonster

    Sorry if I missed why the lady was wearing a wig. But this guy should be even prouder of himself if he finds out she was wearing the wig because she is being treated for breast cancer, it being Breast Cancer Awareness Month and all.

  36. bbqboy

    Doesn't Randy pack major heat? Are these wusses saying Randy can't defend himself
    from the podium against the butches?
    Or does he have a soft spot for blonde wigs?

  37. Guppy06

    "I'm sorry it looked so bad?" We as Americans must stand up and demand a higher standard of non-apology apologies!

    "I'm sorry I got caught."

    "I'm sorry it was filmed."

    "I'm sorry that Communist bitch came down here to God's own Kentucky to make such a ruckus, goddamn yankee."

    "I'm sorry it wasn't as bad as it looked."

  38. johnnymeatworth

    You know, if you play the video backwards it looks like he helps her up and sends her on her way….

    1. GOPCrusher

      Of course they did, and if the trial wasn't going to be held in Kentucky, it would be chuckalicious to see the lawyers of Mr. Proffitt use that as his defense. A judge would probably have him committed to an insane asylum, where he belongs.

  39. SarcasticNymph

    …expressed relief the woman was not injured…

    Seeing as the woman reported a concussion and sprained arm, it appears Paul is everybit the renegade in ER medicine as he is in opthamology. To a true Randian, the only serious injury one can suffer is to one's wallet.

  40. Extemporanus

    DEAR EDITORS:

    Please please pleeease send this brave, bruised liberal lady some official Wonkette "Don't Teabag on Me" t-shirts for her to wear during what are sure to be a fuck-ton of upcoming teevee appearances!

    Do it for the troops, you guys!

    (If someone has already suggested this brilliant idea, please accept my huge head on a curb by way of apology.)

  41. LionelHutzEsq

    Remember when the Republican Party was all about gentle foot taps in the bathroom stall, and not on someones head?

  42. nachoproblem

    "See, her head needed to be stomped on, to make sure she didn't have any concealed head-guns. It is part of a routine pat-down to perform the frisking of the suspect's head by means of the security officer's foot, because the force of the head stomp is necessary to dislodge and reveal the presence of your typical modern head-mounted weapon. The police didn't do that, and so I had to.

    I'm sorry if the video made it look like I was just stompin' a bitch."

  43. imissopus

    Albert Haynesworth stomped on someone's head when he played for the Titans. Then the Redskins gave him a $100-million contract. He's still an asshole, though.

  44. moldilox

    this violence is what happens when you drink the aqua buddha's bong water, that is why friends don't let friends drink the bong water.

  45. Mort_Sinclair

    Given the rage this dude harbors, she's lucky to get away with her face still arranged with the eyes on top, then a nose, then a mouth. What a fucking lunatic. Imagine what he's like after he's had more than a few sips of Bourbon County mother's milk?

  46. SheriffRoscoe

    I said it before. He was giving her head compressions. With his foot. Like CPR, only less necessary.

  47. babsinbuffalo

    I'm sick of people, from Rand Paul to Chuck Todd, basically excusing this behavior by saying "passions were running high on both side." Bull crap. This bully stomped on a woman's head. He belongs in jail.

  48. HempDogbane

    The Teabaggers have now accused the victim of sending cell phone pics of her dick to a former sideline reporter for the Jets.

  49. neiltheblaze

    I hope that woman beating piss-bucket will enjoy his little chat with the FBI once they decide this is a civil rights violation.

    1. elpinche

      In prison, inmates hate women beaters..some hate them so much they like use women beaters as personal dick cozies. I hope the FBI comes a knockin .

  50. PublicLuxury

    That Blue Grass they're smokin' must carry a real wallop for them to see a lady with a wig as a threat.

  51. stew1

    According to the Chinese Calender, this is the Year of the Angry Right Wing Loser. Now I understand…

  52. imissopus

    Profitt said the fight never would have occurred if police officers had intervened earlier.

    Profitt must have not paid his yearly $75 police department services fee.

  53. rmjagg

    tim profitt , minutes after admitting he was the assailant , had his picture taken with a nasty , smirky little girl in a curly wig / rand paul .

  54. chicken_thief

    Clearly the librul lezbo bitch does not understand how the free market works. Randy makes moar money than her. Randy has goons. If she didn't want goons dancing on her skull she should make moar money. Then she could hire goons to stop Randy's goons from dancing on her skull. Econ 101, as practiced in KY.

    1. fishskicanoe

      That is libertarianism in a nutshell. Now if we could just get the libertarians put in a nuthouse, things would be better.

  55. OhNoGuy

    It starts with a woman waving paper and axing questions and before you know it, you're ankle deep in blood and entrails. Fortunately, they got the drop on her otherwise, she'd be slicing up these guys, "Kill Bill" style, like so much Oriental baloney. Crisis averted. Boy, that was CLOSE!

  56. carlgt1

    of course the teabaggers have to blame the cops — after all police are needless expenses & tax burdens and private militias (as we've seen) would be so much better!

  57. NorthStarSpanx

    According to WKYT, "[Tim] Profitt explained that he used his foot to try and keep her down because he can't bend over because of back problems. He also says police were alerted to watch her before Paul arrived because people in the crowd recognized her as someone who may try and pull a stunt."

    Well, it's a good thing the Police were there to make sure the Private Mob Arrest was executed properly with unnecessarily cruel and unusual force against an unarmed 112 pound woman.

    Also too, Obamacare will do its best to treat poor Mr. Proffit's bad back so that he won't be reduced to using his foot to stomp a subdued woman's head into the government paved curb.

    1. fishskicanoe

      That little extra compression he gives her at the end must have been a muscular spasm, poor thing.

  58. PuckStopsHere

    I've got a feeling somebody (a certain Rand Paul campaign official) will be calling for "tort reform" pretty soon…

  59. BornInATrailer

    Oh no! They just fired his ass. No more Rand & Stompy show!

    And another person is unemployed. Good job, Obama.

  60. kittylittr

    There's already 160 plus comments ahead of mine, so surely I'm not the first to note that any campaign with a guy in charge of coordinating the Bourbon may have a bit of a drinking problem.

  61. iconklee2240

    The JACK-BOOTED STORM-TROOPER (Profitt) said, "It looked like she was a danger to Rand" …

    AND WOULD THAT BE: thrown SPREAD-EAGLE on the cement pavement on her 23-yr face, by 6 strong-armed GOONS to "TAKE HER OUT."

    While Rand’s campaign ORGANIZER stomped HIS foot on HER HEAD.

    WHAT COUNTRY IS THIS ?

    Instead of apologizing … Rand Paul practically EXCUSES his campaign organizers — as if the poor woman carrying a paper sign WAS ANY DANGER to HIM!

    THE MAN should be ARRESTED ;.. along with HIS CANDIDATE.

    The LEXINGTON POLICEMAN who stood by and DONE NOTHING reported that, " THE WOMAN TRIPPED AND FELL" ,, and THIS passes for Law enforcement in Kentucky >???

  62. xsluggo

    American Crossroads has awarded Pritt the Ritterkreuz Des Eisernen Kreuzes Mit Goldenem Eichenlaub, Schwertern Und Brillianten, plus a new pair of Doc Martens.

  63. obfuscator2

    "i saw a mosquito on her neck. fearing that she would would be bitten and subsequently contract malaria, i used my foot to shoo the mosquito away. no need to thank me."

  64. iconklee2240

    THE MOTIVE OF THE GOON SQUAD: FORBID DISSENT

    KYSTteven56: wrote, "…. Even frickin' BarefootandProgressive said Paul was nowhere near when it happened…: (WHEN he claimed “this blog was a joke.”)

    THE JOKE is you and your denizens of tea party extremists — who universally DENY the truth in every situation.

    IF you can only LOOK AT THE FACTS (un-slanted and unvarnished) in EVERY situation … your ignorance would not so pitiful.

    NOW LOOK AT THE VIDEOTAPE… DO YOUR EYES not recognize the FACTS :

    THE 23-YR WOMAN WAS FIFTEEN FEET from the candidate (not a danger).

    SHE was only HOLDING A PAPER SIGN … NOT A DAGGER! Was she attempting to injure Rand with a paper cut ?

    SHE was strong-armed and thrown onto the pavement on her face BY 6 BURLY campaign organizers.

    WHAT IS THE MOTIVE OF THIS GOON SQUAD? Control DISSENT … of a frail woman barely out of her TEENS?

    THAT is what young people are to SUPPOSED do,

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