There’s nothing quite like finding a bizarre, illiterate comment in the moderation queue and having no idea what it’s referencing. In many ways, this is the greatest part of being a Wonkette editor: being pummeled by random waves of anonymous insanity, wondering if these people live nearby, or if they’ve figured out where Washington is, in relation to the Rite-Aid where they pick up their insulin and oxycontin. Today’s winner, for example, would like to lecture Wonkette on the topic of “you talking that he’s to start something and you talking about kill and insults,?”
Apparently in response to this Wonkwire news brief about a Texan candidate for Congress who plans to violently destroy America after he loses next week, we offer you this modern-day take on “Song of Myself” + Common Sense × The Bible/Gun Mart:
What insurrection you talking about? you talking that he’s to start something and you talking about kill and insults,? what make you think that you are better than anyone else, when your words are of so hateful tone? You guys are the one’s, this Republic should be concern about it, as it’s not hate what is coming from his mouth, hear him many times, but about the love for the Republic that all of you seems not to share.
Remember the Constitution? Maybe you should read it to understand the words that he express, it’s under the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the right of the people to abolish any such government who empower themselves to be a tyrannical government, IT’S THE LAW OF THE LAND… read, maybe you learn something.
UPDATE: This person left another absurd comment about the same post! Is this a kind of Arabic?
You people talk about being smart, but don’t even take the time to find who this man is, and the entire content of his words, just because some un-honest blogger tells you part of it, you should think and use your brain and search about who this person is. If I go by just your words, I will said that even if you believe to do for your Country, you are nothing but a bunch of unhappy people that has nothing better to do that trashing those that at least are fighting for your rights to said stupid comments, and other freedoms. I know Pastor Broden, he’s a decent man, who believe like many in this Country that the rights and freedoms of the people has been tramped. You’re so blind and so into a party, that you’re about to believe anything a blogger said out of own agendas, some how I guess he has to eat, but he well do it by in honest work, not by trash someone that he wish to be. You guys are the shame of this Republic. Do you don’t understand that you have been play? it’s more important to you a party system than your own Country? like the sheep, who eat grass with out been able to do anything else, most of you talk, hate and be unhappy while other things can be done, not just for your Country, but for your own self. Have the decency to make comments by knowing who you make the comments about, a very decent human being, who care for nothing less nothing more, than the rights of everyone, freedom and liberty something that Americans are loosing because they decide to follow bigotry and lies… keep it up, you will be the first one to fall.!
To the blogger, at least be honest, I don’t care what site you’re, if you write something do it out honesty, not hate… your words are the one’s that induce for revolt and unrest… choose them wise with out implicate someone else on your own agenda.
By the way, in Texas people have pride because it’s it’s own Republic, the only State with the rights others don’t have, and if were not because Texas, today the Union will not be what it’s. Read your history, maybe you learn something.
{ 170 comments }
Somebody needs a heavy petting from Gov. Rick Perry (R-HAIR).
I am insanely delighted to offer this, yet again for your fapping pleasure. http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/pe...
Thanks! I needed that.
Rick Perry's hair has nothing on Blago's.
Forget the Constitution; let's get some Conjugation in here.
Sounds like he did his postdoc at Glenn Beck U.
or another recipient of the 2 week Claremont Inst. Con Law Fellowship
His MaMa must be so proud. Don't Mess With Tejas
It's that fine Texan edukashun he gots.
tr;dr
(too retarded; didn't read it all the way through)
It makes more sense if you read it in a Jar-Jar Binks voice.
Yes. I tried it! It does!
I read it in Hank Hill's voice. Well either that or Tom Anderson from Beavis and Butthead's voice; all the voices in my head sound like Mike Judge characters either way
This comment made me laugh out loud. And then weep, because this man's vote is worth just as much as Elena Kagan's. Probably even more so, since she'll likely take up residence in DC or Maryland, two stalwart Democratic strongholds.
For years, I've been advocating voting multipliers, depending on your relative intelligence (for example, those with 100 IQ would get one vote, and 150 a 1.5x vote), but even my good friends just stare at me in silence, as if I'm advocating genocide or eugenics. But I believe the system is inherently unfair, when simple folk can be manipulated so easily to vote against their own interests. And liberals are just too ethical, or maybe just a bunch of pusses who can't bring themselves to use the same tactics.
Hell, I'd settle for getting more than one "Thumb" vote on Wonkette!
So if some dumbass Texas pastor (oh, of course) tries to overthrow the government because he doesn't get elected, it's our fault? Wonkette must be wearing that short skirt today.
dumbass Texas pastor = oxymoron. Just sayin'.
You mean "redundancy", right?
I feel so slutty now …
I think what he was really trying to say was "how is babby formed?
They need do way instain gubmints, who kill their liberties? Why because they cannot fright back? It wer on the news this mroing, about a gubmint in Wash who kill my liberties. I am truley sorry for insurrection.
I thought that was "How is babby snatched?"
"Texas…the only State with the rights others don’t have"
The Right to a Speedy Execution Without All Them Pesky Appeals is one you are free to enjoy all by yourself, Tex.
I thought maybe he was talking about the Open Container Right or the Loaded Handgun in the Passenger Compartment of Your Pickup/Cadillac Right. Because those are certainly things to be proud of.
I heard they got rid of the Open Container right. The guvmint took away there freedomz!!1
Shit, that was more than 20 years ago. I've spent those years assuming that I was grandfathered in.
I am now shamed.
Do I get to masturbate now?
First masturbation, then shame. Then, more masturbation.
I only got about half way thru that before my head exploded. Illiteracy hurts.
"By the way, in Texas people have pride because it’s it’s own Republic".
Sometimes I wish I owned all the air, and could turn it off in select locations, like Texas.
My dear old dad used to say; "If I owned Hell and Texas I'd live in Hell and rent out Texas." I just want to give it back to Mexico.
HEY! I from Texas Not all Texas talk and rite wrongly. You can keep air Texas has good air than other.
Texan also to be here and agreement!
Um, then how can I make snark-filled comments?
I hope this commenter doesn't back trace the un-honest (sic) blogger or call the cyber police….consequences will never be the same.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98Np9hNSIWo
Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the winner of the Washington Post pundit contest.
Oh! That's what I meant to write on my sandwich board. Bell ringing and hollering speech right there.
"it's it's"?????
Our Republic had a good run. Time to fold the tent up.
Leave all else behind except, the liquor, weed and golf clubs.
It's It's — the San Francisco's Treat's.
Not to be confused with her shoe's Joe.
Do you don't understand the beauty of the words? If you loved the Republic that you don't but I guess your a sheep that folds it's tents and tramped weeds.
well, to be fair:
"if were not because Texas, today the Union will not be what it’s"
is pretty accurate.
Those comments are like some bizarre application of Burroughs' cut-up technique.
Except, instead of literary texts being combined in a haphazard fashion, this person mashed together the word salad rantings of a schizophrenic homeless person and a retarded hillbilly.
See also Palin, Sarah. Both of the above, with a healthy dollop of rabid weasel flambé.
I know Pastor Broden, he’s a decent man, who believe like many in this Country that the rights and freedoms of the people has been tramped
Does this have something to do with our rights and freedoms becoming hobos?
I think he's referring to our rights and freedoms being turned into women of loose morals.
'Bout time.
I think he means their rights were "trumped" when Obama played the "I won the fucking Presidency" card.
I think he's referring to any manufacturer of dairy products.
Gah! I HATE lying retards like this. His words, they are falsehoods. I'm sorry, but as someone with 14 sheep, I know for a fact that they also shit, piss, lie about in the sun and say "baa!" a lot. Only an unamerican traitorous pissy little tard would accuse sheep of doing nothing but ingesting grass. He's thinking of stoners.
Nah, I used to have a stoner, they also shit, piss, trash your living room, take in random animals and/or people from the street without asking you, and eat all your oreos.
I guess I was unfair to stoners. My most stoniest of stoner roommates used to pick through the top layer of the compost bin on our kitchen counter for snacks. His argument when we told him it was disgusting was that as a Korean, he'd trained his whole life to be able to eat rotten things, and that pretty much anything in the top inch or so of the compost was still better than kimchi.
And they ingest more than grass. What about the Twinkie abuse? Hard core, massive Twinkie abuse.
the rights and freedoms of the people has been tramped
Yea, Ken, you meanie. TRAMPS HAVE RIGHTS TOO.
We have met the enemy and he is us, the one's, this Republic should be concern about it.
read, maybe you learn something.
That's exactly what my crazy immigrant great-grandmother would yell at us when we were acting up as small children.
Ken is double-plus unhonest.
He is right though that "if were not because Texas, today the Union will not be what it’s"; we can all dream and imagine how much better it would be.
No wonder the Texas School Board had to take local control over their learnins, they simply can't keep up with the three R's of anything beyond the standardized third grade level.
Now thanks to peoples who don't wriggle around in excrement, we have the 5 R's, to include Republik and Religion.
this is what we get for having local control over our schools.
I actually just heard from a friend this is an excerpt from Bushwick Bill's unfinished novel. It's good so far, no?
I want to see this guy debate Sloth from the Goonies.
Like poetry, or Shakespeare, having it read to you, aloud, makes it all the more delightful.
I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh…people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and…I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our…
Still too literate, by a factor of 10.
Miss America or vice-presidential candidate? You choose! Is this a great country, or what?
Fuckin SkoalRebel. Kill em all.
Anybody else get flashes of James Joyce reading this, or is it just me? And let us not forget people had pretty much the same reactions to his work back in the day. I think we have the next almost-winner of the Nobel here. Hell, in today's world, where a kid who's not from Jersey can make it famous on a show about people from Jersey, let's face it — anything is possilbe.
our cuntry's been tramped.
yo cuntry's a ho
On second thought, maybe Texas revamping their textbooks isn't such a bad idea.
It makes me nostalgic for Nadine. Anybody remember Nadine?
Yes.
Well of course YOU do…
Wait, was ManchuCandidate Nadine all this time?
(No, because the *real Nadine,* after sending us crazy emails for a year or so, finally realized we were posting them and DEMANDED THAT GAWKER MEDIA TAKE THEM DOWN. This really happened.)
That wouldn't necessarily rule out the "Manchu was Nadine" Theory….
nadine told better stories.
I loved Nadine. Her madness made me fee like i was high… good timez
Trig?
Total win.
Whoever it is, they must know you since they took time to know you like tramp on rights of Country and other freedoms.
I am going to go way out on a limb here and guess that this guy voted for Bush. Twice.
I was thinking LaRouche, but you're probably right.
"I know Pastor Broden, he’s a decent man, who believe like many in this Country that the rights and freedoms of the people has been tramped."
Which rights would those be? Your right to have a white president? Your right to have everyone do, live, and be exactly as you think they should? Kiss my pink behind. It's my right to say that to you.
They need to tweak that shortbus to english translator on google. It's not helping much.
Although it comes out strangely more readable if you go from english -> slovakian -> Urdu -> English again
You're right:
"That you are talking about rebellion? Says, that started to talk about anything and insult is killed? What do you think your someone else, when your words are hateful heads are better than this? It is you who must Republic are interested in, such as hate him, is not coming out of his mouth, he heard many times, but the love of the Republic, all of you share start.
Remember the Constitution? Maybe your words are expressed should read to understand is that a government of freedom and the right to cancel the Constitution, Declaration, under the dictator himself to enable the country to Law is … , You can learn read."
ohhhh! now I get it! I remember Reagan saying "but love of the Republic, all of you share start."
The second comment was a bit more problematic — it required an English -> Haitian Creole -> Yiddish -> Icelandic -> Swahili -> Arabic -> English translation to achieve basic readability:
"O people talk about their careers, and it takes a long time even to know that someone is happy on the words, just because others do not – say part of the honest blogger, you should consider to use your brain, and this research. If I take your words alone, and I say that even if you think that your country, you can save a group of happy people who have nothing better to do this trasing at least fight for your right argues the views of the absurd, and freedoms of others. I know that the brothers sponsor, it was a decent man who is believed by many in this country that she fabricated the rights and freedoms. I was blind, and not a member, you can think of something blogger said of the agenda of their own, some how I think he has to eat, but there were also work for justice, and do not want their love. I was ashamed of the Republic. Hamwelewi that they were playing? It is important that in March as part of your own? As the sheep that eat grass and that they can do something else, hate, and most of us talk, and be happy for the other things you can do, not only for your country, but for themselves. Respect for the views or the views of people who care very little or nothing more than their right to freedom of all people, freedom, and his American P-off the report of the follow-up hatred and lies … To take, and will be one of them first down. "
Blogger, or at least be honest, I do not care what your site, if you write something in and out of integrity, not hate … Your word is one that is trained in violence and chaos of … Choose the wisdom of their plan to another according to their own.
On the path of people with pride, because the mandate of the Republic of Texas was its own, and not just other countries, and if were not in the state of Texas, and trade unions today is not to go there. Read the story, and maybe learn something."
I think this country canceled its subscription to the constitution in 2001.
"Your words…choose them wise with out implicate."
I couldn't better have myself it said.
I'll have what he's having. I could use a break from all this higher reasoning for a bit.
Apparently them Texans like to drink heavily before going off on some illegible screed of a rant….therefore
"You guys are the shame of this Republic. Do you don’t understand that you have been play?"
Condescension in bad grammar = winning the hearts and the minds.
I did don't understand this with my mind.
Yes, I have been play a lot. I like play, wif my wittle granddaughter. Wait–that wasn't baby talk? Damn, then. This fucker's stooopid.
Whenever I s'ee s'everal s' without apos'trophes' and am not amus'ed by improper punctuations'. The rule is' one after each and every 's', to s'how one's' higher learnin's'. Als'o.
(My spell checker just disabled itself with a shot to the head.)
Uh, has Texas been enumerating rights in secret? And what could they even BE? "…the rights of the people to keep and bear TruckNutz shall not be infringed."
So Ken, what did this read like before you ran it through free-translation.com's wingnut to English app?
oh oh. Who let Charlie Sheen use their laptop? It's going to be ok, Charlie!
Imagine one of these loons in a position of power. Oh, I guess we already tried that.
I worry about recent Somali immigrants like this who have just read the constitution but who are not quite literate enough to understand what it says. And who live in Texas and/or/also.
I joke has here but funny not
If Texans want secession, I say let them. Good riddance. Maybe Jefferson Davis was right, maybe we should let the whole South free. Then there will be a place for a Palin/Paul administration all the discontented teabaggers.
If I've posted this once, I've posted it a dozen times and it STILL makes me laugh.
(and then cry a little)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCLz7XQOIOQ&fe...
Sorry, not clever enough for that fancy-embed stuff.
That is a thing of beauty. Build the damn fence!
I saw the Perry first, then it went to Andy Cobb's which still absolutely cracks me up. Except mean people kept suggesting they take Oklahoma with them.
If they secede, I want that fucking high tech border fence installed on the banks of the Red River, NOW! Next thing you know, illegals will be up here, kidnapping our football players.
This would be ok, except I'm pretty sure they would invade us. Do they have nukes? Oh and cut off our gas. But they can keep anything south of Chicago.
Does the google have a teabagese to english translator? That post should of came with a bottle of tylenol. My forehead is locked in a permanent scrunch from trying to decypher that one.
"should of came"? Are you trying to break my irony-o-meter?
All's not lost – I heard a story on NPR that Jane Austin wrote without punctuation and used mashed up sentences. This guy is just looking for an editor to clean up his prose. Come on Wonkettes! Step up and help our next Jane Austin.
Jane Austin, also a Texan.
Jane "Austin" is the Texas version.
To be honest, it sounds just like the "posts" by fellow students in my online American Cultural Values class. I had to ask one today what an "Obama Stomper" is because he used it 5 times in one paragraph.
Don't leave us in suspense – what is an "Obama Stomper?"
here is his answer:
"it is just a nickname I coined to describe the way Obama and some of his administration think that they can walk in and "stomp" all over the state and local authority, in situations that don't need or want the Obama administration involved. It isn't as far as I know used in any regard to the Obama administration outside of my using it in our discussion."
I'm choosing not to enter into debate with him about his mistaken beliefs. It's been a looong semester.
“… if were not because Texas, today the Union will not be what it’s.”
Like saying if Haiti did not have a massive earthquake and cholera it will not be what it is. How true.
I think we’ve found a new member for Fox And Friends.
"Do you don’t understand that you have been play?"
But has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
Thank you. My lunch is everywhere, but thank you.
Oh, drat. Now I wonder what ed said that was so terrible he withdrew it. Hints?
It was a sentence with, like, thirteen adverbs or some shit. At first I thought it was done unintentionally, then intentionally – hence my comment. Then he deleted it, so now I am as confused as the Commenter of the Day. The end.
I blame Obama.
I think this author may be related to a lady with huge, glistening eyes; last night, she stopped me on the street to tell me she would be evicted forever on November 31st for the rest of her life and never be allowed to live anywhere again, but her two horses and Bob Seger would be okay.
"By the way, in Texas people have pride because it’s it’s own Republic, the only State with the rights others don’t have, and if were not because Texas"
For fuck's sake, why must Texans continue to masturbate over secession? They already tried it twice, both time because they loved themselves some slaves!
Oooh, ahh, Texas was once an independent republic. So were California and Hawaii, but you don't hear them spooging all over their keyboards about it half as much, nor do Texans want to even think about having anything in common with such libtard states. Hell, Vermont did that independent shit before it was even cool! Maple fucking syrup, bitches!
About the only thing truly unique about Texas, other than their aforementioned predilection to secede over a state's right to lynch Negroes, is their proud and continuing heritage of getting the US involved in bullshit imperialist wars since 1846! From the Nueces River through the Gulf of Tonkin to "evidence" of uranium sales, every time the US gets into a "bad war," a Texan is involved!
The US and the entire planet would have been better off if Tejas were left as a pissant British satellite that made that prissy bitch Victoria squirm every time she was asked about her stance on abolitionism. Maybe George Bush would have been sucking Tony Blair's dick instead of the other way around.
Oh, and in case I was too vague, fuck Texas.
Do you don't understand the tramp of liberty's to?
Eloquent and full of historic facts. You, lady or gentleman, are a genius. Still, you left out one independent nation/state: eastern Oklahoma, the Indian Nation.
Yeah, Texas bitches never want to bring that one up. Oh, and what's that I hear in the distance? Texans still going "wah, wah, wah" over the OU/Texas game. Suck on it, Longhorns.
So………..can the Cherokee seceed if they get tired of this garbage? Also too, thanks for pointing out the major Fail of the Bevo crowd. It warmed my heart.
How do you make a Texan cry? Tell him their dividing Alaska in half and making Texas the 3rd largest state.
(Not really on topic but when else will I have a chance to bring it up?)
I would like to see these Tea Baggers make an attempt to abolish the tyrannical government.
One side carrying Grandpa's squirrel rifle, the other with Predator Drones.
That's not Arabic, that's Texan. Unfortunately I don't understand Texan. It's kind of like Dutch: I know it when I see it, but I don't know what it means.
Pastor Broden is running in the 30th, which encompasses Dallas. I believe the author of the posted missive is the president of the Dallas Chapter of MENSA, cantchoo tell?
It's true that a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. The writer personifies this thought.
My eyes and brain have been tramped.
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
oh I love Dave Mathews!
haha nice! #win
Either English is not his first language, or he is a product of good ol' Texas Christian education system. Spelling? WE don't need no stinkin' spelling!
I get one vote. You get one vote. This clown gets one vote. Sometimes I yearn for the days of the literacy tests at polls. Or something. Like, "How many states are there?" or "Are you insane?" or "Write a sentence."
ooh, him card, read good.
"like the sheep, who eat grass with out been able to do anything else, most of you talk, hate and be unhappy while other things can be done, not just for your Country, but for your own self."
you know, he may have a point here. I have to give him this one. Oh admit it! How many hours have you spent hating yourself while the dishes rust in the sink?
It is nice to see W being active in retirement. It's important.
I wish to see a Wonkette t-shirt that says: "the rights and freedoms of the people has been tramped". Something w/ a classy pic of Sara Benincasa in an American flag bikini holding a shotgun.
I was going to ask that Sara do a dramatic reading of the comments but I like your idea better.
There must be a "smart" computer program that emits that sort of string.
It's damn sad when a human being can't pass the Turing Test.
Have some respect. This was a missive from a past recipient of the Sheriff Joe Pink Underpants Award. You guys are the shame of this Republic.
Wow… this morning I finished up my work-at-home-moneymaking scheme for the SAT essay scoring project, and while there were SOME high school students less articulate than this guy, there were not many.
All that was missing was "In today's modern American society…"
This guy gets a "2" (serious limited, may offer a point of view but displays weak critical thinking, using inadequate examples for support. Serious problems with coherence and progression of ideas. Demonstrates very little mastery.)
The risk of course is the built in racism of pollworkers, mainly in the South. What we should do is put some basic logic and/or civics questions on the ballot itself, then multiply the value of the vote by the number of correct answers. Then there is no demographic voter suppression. Just stupid suppression!!
The Ankh-Morpork Guild of Greengrocer's doe's not look kin'dly upon such transgression's.
In his (hers?, its?) defense, it is a challenge writing pointiant Haiku while flying on an eight ball…
"Read your history, maybe you learn something"
YEAH!
My bubbie never learned to speak English except for a few words(Bum, go avay, hello, goodbye)- and her English was better than this.
OK, so I'm unhappy.
Anyway, let's make English the Official Language so that this oaf will have to learn it.
All Real American Patriots know that the Declaration of Independence is the most important part of the Constitution.
He started in English, then had it translated to Swedish, then from Swedish to a combination of several Romance languages, then back to English and then ran it through the Random Comma/Apostrophe Inserter.
I know that I'm late to the party, but . . .
I remember the PSA campaign that the author of these manifestos is borrowing from at the end of his posts. I hunted around and found a screen capture from one of the commercials. I fully expect Wonkette will use this screen capture in their posts describing the work of similarly enlightened scribes.
You're welcome.
Oh, dear.
It's time to do what has to be done and live up to my family name! Full Life Consequences!
Sad sad sad…
I'm so thankful my spam filter keeps comments like this out of my mailbox.
I am so confuse my head, it have asploded.
The words are all English ones. Most of them. All I can say is, cough syrup and carbona huffing do not mix. He makes Skoal Rebel seem erudite and suave.
Well, no he doesn't at all, actually.
Today we all do don’t understand that we have been play.
Come on, stop being coy. This is from Alvin Greene isn't it? In his universe there is no past, present or future. All is one.
Okay, I'm sorry. My bad. It was my cat who wrote this. After I gave her a cheeseburger she calmed down and agreed to stop typing. I didn't realize at the time, but earlier when she was up in the ceiling she apparently watched me masturbate, and it must have upset her terribly. Again, I apologize.
I'm so giddy we got an advance copy of Trig's inauguration speech!
I tried to read that, but it only tangled my neurons like spaghetti.
We Southerners have a saying for people like this: "Bless his heart."
If chicken and half lay egg and half…. how long take grasshopper kick all seeds out dill pickle? you so smart figure its out.
I get it. This is the latest Dr. Bronner Peppermint Soap label, right?
oh my. thank you very very much. " I know that the brothers sponsor, it was a decent man who is believed by many in this country that she fabricated the rights and freedoms." this is going in my xmas letter.
Comments on this entry are closed.