church and conflate

Ken Buck Doesn’t Understand the First Amendment Either


What is it with this strange phenomenon of Teabagger candidates saying the separation of church and state is not covered in the First Amendment? According to Buck, the Constitution says the government cannot “sanction” a religion, but that doesn’t mean church and state have to be “separate.” Huh? Do you really want Kenyan King Obama installed as the official but “non-sanctioning” head of America’s Official Church of Ken Buck’s Particular Sect of Christianity?

Also, Buck says something about Obama calling the White House Christmas tree a “holiday tree,” which is just absolutely false.

Apparently Ken Buck and Christine O’Donnell have a back-up plan if they lose their elections next week: try to pick up one of those federal bishop jobs. [Think Progress]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    That thing about the "Holiday Tree" is just total BS! It's been well documented that Obama refers to the Spruce in front of the White House as the "Mubasa Circle of Life Magical Conifer"

  • PublicLuxury

    Ken "Buck"… Hmmmmmmmmm Buck isn't it deer hunting season in Colorado?

    • arclight2012

      I thought it was a porno name.

  • http://www.ghostnote.net Buzz Feedback

    I hate it when the War on XMAS starts before Cocktober's finished.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Yeah, at least what till after Thanksgiving otherwise it is just plain tacky.

  • V572625694

    The state religion should be Judaism: poll workers will have to check voters for foreskins before they get a ballot.

    What's that? What about women? Whaddayou, a moran? They won't get to vote.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And tell all the voters in Alaska, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, etc., (i.e., any state with more wolves than people): no minyan, no voting.

    • CUNextTuesday

      Oops, I read this as "poll workers will have to check voters' foreskins." Ya know, as in: "No problem, sir. Let me hang that up for you. Here's your receipt. Don't lose it now!"

  • Tengu

    It takes a lot of strength to pander to an audience like that.

  • the_onceler

    Wow, a teabag-American who doesn't understand the First Amendment. I guess when the say they are constitutional conservative they really mean that they are idiots.

  • blinky_twinkie

    When did Buck start thinking he's speaking English?

  • Badonkadonkette

    Oh, I'm so sorry, Ken, that answer is incorrect. Not only is "Separation of Church and State" not in the Constitution, "The Government Shall not Sanction A Religion" isn't in there, either. The correct phrase is "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." It's actually pretty fucking clear. Bob, tell him what he's won.

    Oh, he's won a Senate seat in Colorado? Well, fuck me.

    • JoeMamased

      I'm laughing, but also looking up seppuku techniques.

      • transfatz

        I looked this up and got a Google ad for "(really sharp knives) Henckels Twin Select 7-Piece Knife Set with Block". I kid you not.

    • glindsey1979

      Wait, the Constitution says no *law*… it says nothing about lawS plural! We can make all the laws establishing a state religion that we want, so long as there's more than one! It's what the Framers intended!

      • Badonkadonkette

        A brilliant analysis. Clearly the Founding Fathers intended a Government limited to passing many laws designed to promote Christianity. This is what is meant by a constitutionally limited Government.

        • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

          You all know, don't you, that this is exactly and literally what Clarence Thomas believes? He believes the Founders intended that "many laws" could be made by the states to establish their own respective official religions.

          • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

            Incidentally, if Justice "Long Dong" Silver gets his way, my bet is on Wisconsin adopting the Artotyrite faith.

  • natoslug

    I agree with Buck on this one. There should be no separation of church and state. In fact, my church, the Church of SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING TEABAG ASSFACE should be recognized as the official church and religion of these united states. I'll even donate another Kwanzmas tree to the white house if it helps.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Does your church sanction the ritual removal of Glenn Beck's testicles by a rabid, transsexual wolverine? Because if so, I am absolutely your first altar boy!

      • natoslug

        Like the Mormons and the Pastafarians, I believe in a living god (or maybe multiple living gods, haven't decided yet), which means that we can add new revelation as needed. Transsexual wolverines and the removal of Glenn's ovaries are now a direct revelation from my dogs.

      • transfatz

        "rabid, transsexual wolverine"
        Um, any chance of getting an introduction?

    • BklynIlluminati

      I too will rush to join your new religion if after said Beck/Wolverine ritual is followed by orgy and drinking of wine and burning of the kwanzmas tree

      • elviouslyqueer

        So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

      • natoslug

        Revelation two has been received. There will also be a post-coital crucifying of Fox News personalities following the kwanzmas tree burning.

  • Maman

    Ken is just angry that Obama didn't stick it to the Jews by putting a Christmas Tree on the official Whitehouse Chanukah card like Bush did…

  • metamarcisf

    And the Fifth Amendment doesn't mean thou shalt not kill; it means thou shalt not murder; that is, unless the feminazi libtard bearded marxist has it coming, which is all the time.

    • Kitty_Sanchez

      Sorry, I just gotta say it: heh.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Are the Xtians really sure they want to get religion all mixed up with government? I mean, If Christine O'Donnell gets elected, well, maybe she just might want to dabble again in witchcraft and establish a few laws codifying naked dancing in the capitol.

    • BarryOPotter

      …and establish a few laws codifying naked dancing in the capitol.

      Although DC summers get a little warm and muggy, we also have a lot of tourists who are, how should I put this…, who are, let's say 'jiggly' and watching their hot, jiggly bodies writhing 'bout the capitol on a hot DC summer's day would be Just. Plain. Wrong. But on the other hand, DC has its fair share of hotness, so we're going to consider your plan, but we'll need to set standards of participation.

      The next item on our agenda: The People Very Much v. the Concept of Ken Buck – "he's not at all what we ordered."

    • Extemporanus

      Self-love will make you blind in the Church of the Poison Mind

  • savethispatient

    Lets repeal the 1st amendment! Obama should announce he's accepting registrations to become the official state religion. Lets see how this works out: Anglicans v Baptists v Catholics v Episcopalians v Unitarians v Mormons in the first round. Winner to meet Judaism in the Final Four. Islam gets a bye straight to the final (President's prerogative).

    • doxastic

      My Cinderella pick is Santeria.

      • JMPEsq

        The geeks will run over everyone else; Jedi-ism.

      • transfatz

        Anyone who can take all those arrows has my money on them.

    • justkillmenow

      What round for Voodoo?

    • lulzmonger

      I always root for the underdog, so GO ZOROASTRIANS GO!

      Alternate underdog pick: Jainism – replace the stars on Old Glory with swastikas & visits from Israeli ambassadors instantly become COMEDY GOLD.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    well of course he was a U.S. attorney. I wonder who vetted him. oh yeah, Dick Cheney!

  • ph7

    He'll never be excommunicated from the Church of Stupid.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    one more thing: Buck also doesn't believe in the separation of Iran and Contras, either

  • x111e7thst

    It's well known that only atheists (and Jews) have ever read the sacred texts of the principal religions. Apparently the same goes for the Constitution.

    • finallyhappy

      Among the holy writ of the Parsis- the Avesta- it says that when the hedgehog urinates, a thousand ants shall die. I don't remember where I learned this- but it is a great saying. And I am Jewish.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I thought the First Amendment was the one about not having any other gods before thee.

    • JMPEsq

      And about not using any graven images. Unless you're one of those heretic Protestants…

  • forgracie

    Ya know, the Constitution doesn't say jack squat about NASA either….

    • Jukesgrrl

      You don't have to remind them. That cut comes right between the National Endowment for the Arts and the Center for Disease Control.

  • doxastic

    I'm a hearty advocate of the right to freedom from religion.

    • GOPCrusher

      They will be quick to mention that Freedom of Religion does NOT mean Freedom From Religion.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Apparently Buck's also a fan of Separation of Intelligence From State.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I say, fine. Let's do it. Let's go with Catholicism, mostly because it will really piss off the Southern Baptists when their younguns have to go to school and listen to Mary this, and Mary that. Oh and it'll be fun when Suzy Q comes home from school and tells mama and daddy about all the dead saints she gets to pray to during the learnin' time.

    Let's go! This will be great!

    • Jukesgrrl

      Not to mention when Mama tells Daddy, no more sex because we can't do birth control.

  • slappypaddy

    he says "we seem to be walking away from culture." that is a lie! we're not walking away from it, we're running away as fast as we can. no culture's ever going to be catching us, no sir!

    • Jukesgrrl

      If Jeebus wanted us to have symphony orchestras, they'd grow on trees.

  • Gopherit

    Some days, I sit slackjawed wondering how so many teabaggers are doing so well with campaign by bastardized Freedomworks talking points……..then i remember that 65% of Americans believe in creationism.

    • petehammer

      And teabaggers prove them right by failing to evolve.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        I have yet to see a half-human, half-teabagger, that's for sure.

  • Extemporanus

    What Would Jesusferson Do?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      It's not Jesusferson. It's Benjamin Cheebus!

  • Push_Harder
  • arclight2012

    This is good news for Aqua Buddha.

  • Ducksworthy

    You know what scares me? Zombies. Whey the zombies rise from their graves craving brainsbrainsbrains people like Ken Buck will be perfectly safe while the rest of us will have to run for our lives and or shoot all the zombies in the head.

    • Banelm

      Who is to say the Zombies havn't already risen? They just seem to be seeking public office before going for the brians…. du du duuuuun

  • elviouslyqueer

    No no, biology disagrees with you. Wolverines are class Mammalia, while Ann is part of class Reptilia (specifically, order Squamata).

  • Redhead

    Well church and state DON'T have to be separate as long as one church isn't sanctioned above the rest. It's why you can have a moment of silence at the beginning of government meetings and be as blatant about it being a moment to pray to the god of your choosing as you want, but praying to a specific god in group prayer during a government meeting gets you in trouble. It's why classes in school can study different holiday traditions, as long as they don't study them in a "this is what we do and this is what THEY THOSE PEOPLE do way," or they can study various religious texts as works of literature. Government can encourage learning about different religions as long as they don't say some are right or some are wrong.

    Of course, those levels of nuance are well beyond the thought capacity of the teabaggers who think not state not sanctioning church means if you don't go to THEIR church, you aren't sanctioned to be in THEIR state.

  • Guppy06

    Which would Obama establish, the Nation of Islam, or voodoo?

    • HistoriCat

      Like there's a difference …

  • bagofmice

    Flogging the Federal Bishop could become a great new hobby.

  • GOPCrusher

    So, let's see President Obama declare America to be an Islamic Country and see what happens.

  • Sue4466

    The words "freedom of religion" aren't in the First Amendment either dumbass. .

  • BarackMyWorld

    Also interesting….I've never heard of a conservative even acknowledging the 9th Amendment exists. Or for that matter, Article Six.

  • zhubajie

    So what should the official religion of the US be? I propose Voodoo!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Frisbiterianism!

  • Banelm

    It poses an interesting Governance question: If a majority of the lawmakers are ignorant of the limits imposed by the Constitution, and the Courts are unwilling to enforce them. Do they even exist? Will they exist next week?

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    Imagine their embarrassment when they discover their dear Christmas Tannenbaum is really a stolen ritual of nature worshiping pagans. Having a Christmas Tree is really worshiping nature over their Jeebus and God.

    • transfatz

      Not to mention Ichthys, which is some really ancient dirty talk.

  • j6n

    I for one say we let them pick a national religion. We can vote on it as soon as they let us know what Christian denomination that will be.

  • LakeLucilleLoon

    I've never trusted any of the sky fairy worshippers.

  • JoeMamased

    Um, actually it was Jimmy Madison. But he and Jefferson had been working the same issue together in Virginia for a decade before the Bill of Rights was drafted, so I think it's fair to say Tommy knew what he had in mind.

  • JMPEsq

    To head off any further semantic "gotchas", Jefferson didn't write the First Amendment, but the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom, which it was copied from.

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com Hipple, Rev. Paul T.

    Exactly! It was God who wrote the 1st Amendment, which was transcribed by His Prophets, our Founding Fathers!!!! God was our very first Constitutional Dominionist, and Rep Tom Tancredo is the second one!!!!