Richard Cohen Loves Sexual Harassment

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Just pathetic. And yet, somehow still has a cushy job at the Post.Richard Cohen has heard about all of this Clarence Thomas stuff in his newspaper and is absolutely “mortified.” How could they print something a powerless lady said about a powerful Supreme Court justice? “In elementary school, some kid must have plastered a ‘kick me!’ sign on Clarence Thomas’s back — and it has never been taken off. Every 20 years or so, some woman surfaces to accuse the now-Supreme Court justice of being a male chauvinist pig — to resurrect an old term from the tie-dyed era — but falls frustratingly short of making a case for true sexual harassment.” Cohen can objectively say that this is not evidence that Clarence Thomas maybe was a sexual harasser — it’s evidence that women are mean and like to tell stories about sexual harassment all the time, all of which are basically always false. Oh, but wait a second, didn’t a woman once accuse Cohen of sexual harassment?

I have nothing against McEwen, but I hope her book fails to find a publisher. Some of this is self-protection. I was young and boorish once myself and have turned out to be a veritable saint. I venture to say we all did and said terrible things when we were young, which is why nature protects the elderly with failing memories. I want to forget both Hill and Thomas.

Hmm! Very interesting! We will help you cross the street on this one, kindly old man. From 1998, in The New York Observer:

In its editorials on the Monica Lewinsky matter, The Washington Post has repeatedly urged President Bill Clinton to explain his relationship with the young White House intern, calling his silence “harmful, not just shifty.” Such sentiments have been echoed by Post columnist Richard Cohen, who has suggested that Mr. Clinton should “‘fess up and move on.” But when Mr. Cohen himself was accused of engaging in “inappropriate behavior” toward Devon Spurgeon, a 23-year-old editorial aide at the paper, Post management went into its own form of crisis mode: Staff members are forbidden to discuss the matter, the participants in the dispute have been frozen out by superiors, and Post executive editor Leonard Downie Jr. is refusing to comment. The episode has increased tensions between the sexes at the paper, Post staff members have said, and has exposed a rift between a salty old guard and younger colleagues grappling with the complicated issues of interoffice gender politics.

Haha, it is amazing how this man was the “salty old guard” back then and is still employed by this newspaper. When will the guard arrive that finally fires this terrible man? If this is the event Cohen is referring to, he is saying he was “young and boorish” when this sexual harassment happened in the late ’90s, when Cohen was in what, his mid forties early sixties? A spry, young fellow indeed.

I long ago despaired of getting to the bottom of this case, and I long ago gave up wanting to. I concluded that Thomas as the product of a very small town — the aptly- named Pin Point, Ga. — who was the lone African American in a school full of whites, a racially-isolated kid who lacked the normal interactions and did not learn the requisite social graces. As for Hill, she, too, lacked a certain sophistication or judgment. If she was perplexed by him, he was perplexed by her.

See? Sexual harassment doesn’t exist, it’s merely two people “perplexed” (because Clarence Thomas was perplexed as to what her bra size was?) by each other, and that excuse covers any skeevy sexual advances. For Cohen, any sort of interaction with the opposite sex is perplexing, so all men should be given lots of leeway in terms of sexual harassment and rapin’ and such. And that’s why he always defends sexual harassment in the pages of the Washington Post, as he did with Clinton and Bill O’Reilly. Cohen is certain he knows a thing or two about female sexuality.

Cohen just wants to let men like himself sexually harass young women in their offices without it becoming news and without them getting fired. Is that too much to ask? Certainly not. How very mortifying it is that we would even consider holding men in a position of power — like Cohen — responsible for their actions.

But isn’t it just adorable how Cohen playfully pretends not to remember sexually harassing that young woman? He’s the cute petulant 6-year-old kid next door in the body of a wheezing 90-year-old rapist. [WP/New York Observer]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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70 comments

  1. ph7

    I was young and boorish once myself and have turned out to be a veritable saint.

    In my neighborhood, being 58, eating Viagra like MM's, and asking interns 35 years your junior about blowjobs doesn't constitute "young and boorish".

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Pervy Men remain young for a very long time. Remember that Henry Hyde was in his 50s when he had his "Youthful Indiscretion" while married. There is something about being a perv that keeps you young, at least at heart.

    1. mavenmaven

      Victims shouldn't be targets of jokes. She appears from all the accounts to have been entirely innocent in this episode, and victimized by the paper as well who mishandled the situation.

  2. Weenus299

    "I want to forget both Hill and Thomas."

    Hill, yeah, forgettable. She's some teacher somewhere who's not doing anything. That drunk Thomas?

    HE'S A FUCKING SITTING JUSTICE ON THE SUPREME FUCKING COURT OF THE FUCKING UNITED STATES.

    Or a fucking staggering drunk skeezix on the SCOTUS. Who happens to never say anything, and one may wonder why he's fucking there in the first place.

    1. walterhwhite

      She's some teacher someone. To be precise, she's a professor at Brandeis University in Waltham, MA. It's a really good school. She should be on the Court instead of that f*wad Thomas. Can't wait to read his ex-wife's tell-all book. I hope it bites him and that creepy wife of his in the ass.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    The question that always comes up in my mind is, when discussing sexual harassment with female coworkers, if you pronounce it "sexual harassment," is that consider sexual harassment?

    1. prommie

      "Her ass meant nothing to me, it was those titties I was after," or so went the charming joke, back in the day.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    It's Dicky's Cohen's favorite suit… next to his pretend general's outfit he stole from the Wardrobe of Pirates of Penzance which he wears every time he faps out a "Death to FILL-IN-THE-BLANK Enemy of Israel." Column.

  5. Chet Kincaid

    You do know that the Richard Cohen who was gay-cured is a different person than the WaPo columnist? Ever heard of "Disambiguation"? This is either a lousy joke, or a fucking sloppy Wonkette post. Bad Stuef.

  6. chicken_thief

    "— who was the lone African American in a school full of whites, a racially-isolated kid who lacked the normal interactions and did not learn the requisite social graces."

    So. Richard. Black kids who attend white schools can not have "normal interactions" or learn "requisite social graces"?!

    Well, kiss my ass and call me Rosie! All these years I was thinkin that the coloreds were the problem – turns out it's us socially oafish white folk.

  7. anniegetyourfun

    "and has exposed a rift between a salty old guard and younger colleagues grappling with the complicated issues"

    Those words should never have been put together in that order.

        1. prommie

          By the way, here's a neat parlor trick, if you ever want to freak a guy out by making him think you are clairvoyant, tell him you know something he has been thinking about lately, you sense it, its an idea he has toyed with, you're not sure if its a real, serious thing, or just a passing thought, but you can sense its been on his mind. When he asks what it is, say "you've been thinking of a threesome." You will always be right, always.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    At some of the firms I worked for in the private sector, I think sexual harassment was a core tenet of their business model.

  9. anniegetyourfun

    I long ago despaired of getting to the bottom of this case, and I long ago gave up wanting to.

    See, that's the thing. Thomas never stopped wanting to get to the bottom of Hill's case.

  10. Fare la Volpe

    "And yet"? Jack, he has a cushy job at the Post because he's pathetic. No stronger voice for conservatism than a perpetual loser. Just look at Stephen Baldwin, who pulled himself up by his bootstraps and earned every single one of his brothers' dollars.

  11. Wadisay

    Memo to Ms. McEwan: If you can't find a publisher for that book of yours, honey, there's always self-publication on the internet and electronic downloads. You might consider an edition where the references to Long Dong appear in BOLDFACE, RED, ALL CAPS.

  12. marinmaven

    Should I feel bad wishing for an explosion of righteous karmic justice that lands these guys inside of a medium to maximum security prison where they are on the receiving end of "sexual harassment" from the penal version of a "salty old guard"?

    I DO feel bad, but I think somehow I will get over it.

  13. V572625694

    If Cohen really was sexually molested as a child, it is possible to have sympathy for him and his apparent sexual confusion or ambiguity. But at what age did Cohen choose to be a douche bag?

  14. Amaravilha

    Remember, when Richard Cohen was young, he was a real cut-up in Mrs. Avery's fifth grade class. Which makes him capable of judging professional comedians.

    And being a middle-aged gross perv makes him capable of exonerating gross perv Supreme Court Justices.

    Logix! You gots it!

  15. freakishlywrong

    So..sexual harassment has become just another false equivalency. Y'know, BOTH sides perplex.

    You, and your terrifying facial hair, please to shut the fuck up.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Okay, all the racists in the back seat have to move over and make room for Mr. Cohen and Mr. Thomas.

  17. V572625694

    OT, but speaking of sexual harassment, why has our Wonkett not taken notice of the various cheerleader-related stories today, which are humorous because of the apparent beliefs of some parents and cheerleaders that cheerleading is somehow not sexual?

    1. walterhwhite

      Where have you been, Magic T? I've missed your comments. (I used to be someone else on the old site.)

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Unmask yourself, walterhwhite. I'm still looking for a couple of Wonketeers I lost in the transition.

        1. walterhwhite

          I used to be yellowdogdem. I never commented that much, but always enjoyed the snark of others. Some of the new crowd don't seem as funny, so I've become emboldened to share my (half) wit.

  18. prommie

    So, Richard Cohen never was cured of the gay? I mean, not that there is anything wrong with that,. . .

  19. waitforsugar

    It's ok Jack we still love you. It would be highly entertaining if they were the same Richard Cohen.

  20. Jerri

    Well I for one am shocked that a privileged, creepy-lipped old white guy doesn't care about the sexual harassment of comparatively powerless ladies in their midst and/or the news. SHOCKED I tell you.

  21. Manhattan123

    Fun fact: recent man-of-the-hour Juan Williams also defended Thomas back during the Anita Hill days, and oops, wouldn't ya know, it turned out he also had a sexual harassment problem. You would think these pervs would just lay low during public cases of harassment and not want to open their own can of worms.

  22. Kitty_Sanchez

    Oh, fine! Bring up that ugly business about Cohen from 1998! Yes, but you see, Cohen had no sexual interest in Spurgeon; he just felt hostility toward her and so he used gender/ age/ position power differentials — and uncomfortable sexually explicit talk — to insult and intimidate her. So since Spurgeon didn't give Cohen a boner, it couldn't have been sexual harassment.

    But the thing with Thomas — well Anita Hill did give Thomas a boner, but since Cohen is envious of… and feels inferior to… a guy like Thomas, who is non-gay and gets boners from women, well… we should cut Thomas a little slack. Boys will be boys. Normal, non-gay boys will be disrespectful, boorish boys… according to the gay-curing info Cohen has learned. Thomas is a real man, which Cohen aspires to, and besides, it's not like he raped her, right??

  23. PublicLuxury

    Yeesh… these women these days. Talk about sensitive. Give me a break. All women love it when they are being leered at in the office. I know I especially like it when a guy grabs his 'package' and licks his lips when staring at me. Sorry Cohen, I had to speak up.

    Leonard Downie Jr? Is that Robert Downie Jr.'s brother?

  24. MiniMencken

    In 1998, he would have been in his early fifties, and thus still "young and boorish." I guess Cohen thinks 50 is the new 20. But he is always perplexed by that wacky man-woman thing. Most memorably for me, this year, in July, when he applauded the Swiss for not extraditing Roman Polanski, who was so perplexed about what to do with a 13 year old girl he had given a Quaalude and several glasses of champagne that he fucked her in the anus rather than the vagina (a mistake that, really, any fellow could make).

    1. JustPixelz

      Yes. According to some sex survey I read on wonkette, oral and anal sex is usually by accident.

  25. LionelHutzEsq

    Every 20 years or so, some woman surfaces to accuse the now-Supreme Court justice of being a male chauvinist pig

    Except in this case, it was the now-Supreme Court justice's wife that surfaced after 20 years.

  26. Jukesgrrl

    Even Jimmy Carter had lust in his heart. But somewhere along the line he learned manners, unlike Richard Cohen and our unesteemed Supreme, apparently.

  27. dr_giraud

    I'm surprised he didn't implore Anita Hill to apologize so we can all move past this, for the children. And tits.

  28. kenlayisalive

    You're right! Sometimes I look into the bathroom trash, and there is a particularly used up q-tip in there, and I'm like "It's so cute!". Then I imagine it sexual harasses me.

Comments are closed.