SURE WHY NOT  5:29 pm October 25, 2010

Come To Wonkette’s Friday Night Horror Bar Night!

by Ken Layne

I bet your mama don't know that you scratch like that.Will you be “in town” this weekend, maybe on Friday night? Well then you are invited to Wonkette’s first annual Halloweenie Whore Benefit, which is actually just a bar night we’re throwing together — and there is a Costume Party, too, so all you ladies have another chance to wear that “Christine O’Donnell Witch on a Flying Vibrator” costume you just can’t seem to take off. And guys, you have another chance to wear some awkward thing nobody really gets, or just go in normal clothes and claim to be “the guy who used to be in Pavement.” (Haha, when did anybody ever think that was funny?) Anyway, 6 o’clock on Friday, at the “Big Hunt” in Dupont Circle. Wonkette will be in the “Devil’s Kitchen,” haha, for Satan.

Event planner/Wonkabout Arielle Fleisher says this, to you, via an email to your editor:

I talked to Kyle at the Big Hunt and we are all set for Friday. I told him our plan is to start at 6, and to have the costume competition at 7:30. He said this is fine and that he won’t kick us out of the room so long as there are a lot of people in it. The Devils Kitchen fits 150 people. So go forth and write things on the internet about this.

Super-cheap drinks, dumb prizes, and “famous for the Internet” celebrity costume judges including all your DC Wonkette people (Riley, Arielle, Liz, probably that Dave Weigel who is stalking us), plus your afternoon editor Jack Stuef, plus our Gawker pals Hamilton Nolan and Jim Newell, plus a lot of sexy witch whores probably, if not from our party then just walking the sidewalks because the only ladies’ costume this year is Christine O’Donnell the masturbating Delaware Water Witch.

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Hola wonkerados.

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Beowoof October 25, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Will there be real whores there? If so I will pack some viagara. Otherwise I wont' bother to show up.

GeoffPeterson October 25, 2010 at 5:46 pm


MISTAHCOUGHDROP October 28, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Don't you mean vinegar? Or is that just for calcium buildup?

Beowoof October 25, 2010 at 5:35 pm

Oh and Elizabeth Montgomery was the subject of many my 12 year old sessions Christine O'Donnell would not approve of.

jus_wonderin October 25, 2010 at 5:42 pm

I agree. I love that woman. Well, loved since she is gone. I remember her UNICEF commericals/spots.

loquacioustunes October 25, 2010 at 6:19 pm

"Bash the bishop for UNICEF!"

kenlayisalive October 25, 2010 at 6:01 pm

You mean you put a mouse brain in her?

Radiotherapy October 25, 2010 at 6:15 pm

I always got into Agnes Moorehead. Is that wrong?

Limeylizzie October 25, 2010 at 6:41 pm

Are you a woman? She liked the ladies.

Beowoof October 25, 2010 at 10:38 pm

At 12 I didn't know that, upon reflection, makes me even hotter for her.

Radiotherapy October 25, 2010 at 11:07 pm

Oh yeah, Beowoof, I got no problem with it.
Agnes Moorehead is God!

Lascauxcaveman October 25, 2010 at 6:55 pm

But she *was* pretty hawt for a campy late-middle-aged lesbian cougar witch.

chascates October 25, 2010 at 5:36 pm

We unemployed elites that can't make it would love to see pictures, videos, and/or police reports of the event.

Mumbletypeg October 25, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Will be there, pending arranging something beyond hobo-style accommodations for the night.

finallyhappy October 25, 2010 at 5:37 pm

I am really old so 7:30 is almost past my bedtime. So if I do take the Red line all the way to Dupont Circle, at what time is it likely that the famous people like Riley, Liz and such will be there? Perhaps after my early bird dinner at one of the many establishments that cater to the elderly along Connecticut Avenue and P St. – I will hobble by.

Doglessliberal October 26, 2010 at 10:17 am

I am old and go to bed at ridiculous hours so I can get up before dawn to run or otherwise torture my body with the gym, but I am STILL COMING. So you have to, too. It is your patriotic duty.

weejee October 25, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Is Riley coming as Andy Notsobrightbart?

PocketsTheClown October 25, 2010 at 7:11 pm


Jukesgrrl October 26, 2010 at 1:54 am

If Riley BRINGS Andy Notsobrightbart as his "guest," I will fly in from Tucson.

hockeymom October 25, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Dave Weigel only shows up at events with six or fewer people.

savethispatient October 25, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Any Western WA Wonkette types going to the far-too-early-to-be-sane Saturday morning Satellite Sanity Rally in Seattle?
I'll be there in my "Don't Teabag On Me" t-shirt (although probably covered by many layers of warm clothing given the weather). If anyone's interested in meeting up before/after/during and having a hearty Bloody Mary or some-such, give me a shout!

drrty_martini October 26, 2010 at 1:23 am

I can make the trip up from Tacoma. For the Bloody Marys.

savethispatient October 28, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Cool! Well, nothing is planned, but I've also just posted a comment at Wonkette's facebook, so I'll keep you posted.

chascates October 25, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Also want pictures of Baby SKS in Halloweenie costume.

facehead October 25, 2010 at 5:46 pm

This is the final step in Wonkette's decade long conspiracy to socialize Halloween.

I won't have any part of it.

But I will be in DC Saturday, courtesy of my new BFF Arianna, and I'll be throwing candy corn at every ginger I see until I find some Wonkette 'person.'

Boredw/Gravity October 25, 2010 at 5:47 pm

I am so jealous that I can't go. Get falling-down drunk for me.

GuyClinch October 25, 2010 at 5:57 pm

No problem! In fact, I've started already. I wonder if the Big Hunt is gurney-accessible….

BerkeleyBear October 25, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Done and done.

Lascauxcaveman October 25, 2010 at 6:57 pm

I'm there for you. Pretty much every night, in fact.

loquacioustunes October 25, 2010 at 5:58 pm

On Friday night, I'll be a middle school dance (no Republican). I'll be sure to play "Single Ladies" and to dedicate it to Andrew Breitbart and "Riley."

Lascauxcaveman October 25, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Wow, that's a tough gig. Load up on the Evanescence, Taylor Swift and and, what … Miley Cyrus?

I really have no idea.

horsedreamer_1 October 25, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Owl City. Fall Out Boy. Wale. Drake.


loquacioustunes October 25, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Sadly, you're all right. Every so often, a song will come along that the kids and I both like — "Sensual Seduction" or "Opposite of Adults", for example — but the rest is such shit that I can't believe it, seriously.

I get 'em with the slow songs, though. They want to bump and grind, but that's hard to do when you're dancing to "Why" or "The Weakness in Me," NOW ISN'T IT, KIDS?!

horsedreamer_1 October 25, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Back when I was young & impressionable, also quite naieve (to the unabashed blustering racism & sexism of the pair, to explain why I listened to them)), I recall Bob of Bob & Brian fame (local morning jocks) recounting how he played "(Everything) I do (I do it for you)" at one of his daughter's middle-school dances.

Everybody got bummed the fuck out. The song is interminable.

DoktorZoom October 25, 2010 at 8:32 pm

Who are "Five people who've never been in my kitchen?"

horsedreamer_1 October 25, 2010 at 8:53 pm

I think it's actually something like eleven or twelve: three solo artists, plus the four in Fall Out Boy, & another four or five (or maybe, six? (so, thirteen, total?)) in Owl City.

BerkeleyBear October 25, 2010 at 6:01 pm

I'm going to be at a totally uptight mingler for academic recruiting teams and their victims/interviewees at 6, but will probably sneak out and catch the costume contest/hilarity. Maybe I can drag a few law school profs with me – might help me make the second round if I get some good photos of them. If you know what I mean.

jqheywood October 25, 2010 at 9:56 pm

What school are you at? (I'm at AU).

BerkeleyBear October 25, 2010 at 10:25 pm

Looking for a permanent home, sadly. Taught in the Legal Studies department of UIS last year as a visitor, adjuncted for years at IU-Indy School of Law before that. I'm mainly an IP guy, although I've also taught contracts, Con law and legal writing as needed. Got 4 interviews at AALS this time, which given the economy is better than I feared.

Doglessliberal October 26, 2010 at 10:19 am

Oh, god, please do bring them. They need to be forced into real life every so often or they completely calcify. Though it might be too late.

mumbly_joe October 25, 2010 at 6:03 pm

Oh, man. I'm even going to be in DC this weekend, but one of my bestestest friends is getting married that same day. So, here I am, stuck between choosing a major event in the life of my actual real-life friends, or an event held by my imaginary friends on the Internet.

I also have to pretend that I'm not super-conflicted over this, because said non-imaginary friend also reads Wonkette. It also just occurred to me that I should also possibly not liveblog my stream of consciousness thoughts, because he will possibly be able to read them, which will make things awkward later.

Lascauxcaveman October 25, 2010 at 7:10 pm

Relax, he'd probably rather be at the Wonkette party himself.

mumbly_joe October 25, 2010 at 7:45 pm

Maybe I can convince them to have a whore-witch-themed reception/post-reception reception, at this thing. It is theoretically possible!

BerkeleyBear October 25, 2010 at 10:29 pm

Just tell everyone the party is going to keep going at this place and come over. I wish someone had done that at my wedding – I wound up shilling out a couple hundred bucks to let them have an afterparty I couldn't even attend.

Plus, if this wedding is like the last one I was in, the bridal party will be so smashed by 7:30 they'll be up for anything.

thefrontpage October 25, 2010 at 6:03 pm

I can't make it that night! The wife and I have plans to be out partying that night with Elizabeth Montgomery, Farrah Fawcett, Joan Sutherland, Eddie Fisher, Tony Curtis, Laurence Olivier, Jimmy Stewart, Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson, Barbara Billingsley, Dennis Hopper, Arthur Penn, Buddy Hackett, Bea Arthur, Dudley Moore, and Rue McClanahan. We'll all be partying in D.C. at the Bayou, Desperado's and Dante's.

waitforsugar October 25, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Seriously bummed that I can't go. But I will share tips from one of my costumes from last year. I went as…Meghan McCain. More specifically, her in that booby twitpic she sent out.

It just took a size small tank top, a wig, a pair of yoga pants, a biography of Ginsberg (closest I had), a little "duckface" and my size 36D boobs to transform me in to everyone's favorite senator's daughter.

Get drunk, have fun and take pictures!

GuyClinch October 25, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Pix or GTFO

waitforsugar October 25, 2010 at 6:38 pm

I'll look for them. I can always recreate if I can't find them ;)

Badonkadonkette October 25, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Dammit, Ken, my plane doesn't get in until 7. Can't the party start later? I was hoping to fulfill my lifelong dream of getting Sara Benincasa to put her "John Hancock" "Michelle Bachmann" on the body part of my choosing.

Ken Layne October 26, 2010 at 4:25 pm

I'm sure it will be going on long after 9 p.m.

twogoats October 25, 2010 at 6:23 pm

Does anyone know if Juan Williams is coming? If so I got a great scary costume idea.

finallyhappy October 25, 2010 at 7:26 pm

If Rick Sanchez comes, I can just go as myself

Radiotherapy October 25, 2010 at 6:31 pm

How long does it take to grow a pudding cup beard? Or become a an ex-Christian rocker? Or, does anyone know where I could get a toy tractor?

horsedreamer_1 October 25, 2010 at 7:08 pm

Somewhere, Gary Young looked up from his Hobo Beans & smiled.

rocktonsam October 25, 2010 at 7:11 pm

I'd come to D.C. for this event only if there was something else going on in town this weekend.

Doglessliberal October 26, 2010 at 10:23 am

Well, you could go to Howard's Homecoming or run in the Marine Corps Marathon. Other than that, hm, just boring boring. Especially on the Mall on Saturday.

HedonismBot October 25, 2010 at 7:27 pm

Sounds more fun than what I'll be doing on Halloween – working and going to bed early. Oh well. Now that most of the country is unemployed, someone's tax money has to pay for corporate bailouts and tax cuts for my company's executives and endless wars/torture parties in Iraqistan.
Drink a Wonkettini for me!

Monsieur_Grumpe October 25, 2010 at 7:28 pm

How about a live feed? Make sure the laptop is vomit proof.

I will be there in spirit (drunk) fellow wonketteers.

x111e7thst October 25, 2010 at 7:34 pm

Anyone else in NYC with a motorcycle and a desire to ride down to DC Friday? It'll be cold as shit to start but should warm up pretty quick on the road south.

horsedreamer_1 October 25, 2010 at 7:48 pm

You can leave your fancy business clothes on & come as The Man. Or, at least, the Ruling Gentry. (Since it seems you are female, it would be hard to arrive as The Man. Though drag-king get-ups are becoming more commonplace, particularly in the wake of Amanda Bynes's turn as a male prep school student.)

ShreditorsDesk October 25, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Can I park after dark? Will they gnaw my paw? Will I be a hoot in my birthday suit? If I stay all night will the bedbugs bite?

jimnewell October 25, 2010 at 8:25 pm

I'm going where now? Oh, some bar. Sure.

That's where Reason holds its parties. Is Ken Layne an employee of Reason?

horsedreamer_1 October 25, 2010 at 8:51 pm

I'm sorry that not everything can be so cool as the Gawker rooftop keg-tappings & to-be-regretted inter-site hook-ups.

PocketsTheClown October 25, 2010 at 11:59 pm

O touch o th' Ginge, you are missed. Dress up like Santa, take a flask of Jameson, get on a train now, and start asking people for directions. You'll be there just in time for the indecent exposures.

Doglessliberal October 26, 2010 at 10:24 am

That would explain a lot. He is probably passing on our names and email addresses so they can come stomp our heads.

And, as a fellow ginger, I will be happy to see you at The Event.

DoktorZoom October 25, 2010 at 8:35 pm

You know, for out-of-towners, it might be helpful if you posted a guide to what subway lines they should avoid so they won't have to encounter certain frightening types of people.

You wouldn't want some innocent Wonketeer walking into a neighborhood full of teabaggers or lobbyists, now would you?

finallyhappy October 26, 2010 at 10:14 am

This is definitely in the gay area of DC-so be well groomed.

Push_Harder October 25, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Party next weekend, work this one, as in make "get-out-the-vote" calls.

Tommmcattt October 25, 2010 at 9:20 pm

I would go, but, you know, I live in Los Angeles, which is Washington DC for attractive people.

I will smoke a bowl and pretend I am there.

Buzz Feedback October 25, 2010 at 9:39 pm

Stray Cat Blues alt-text. Very nice Mr. Ken Layne.

Tobacky October 25, 2010 at 9:55 pm

WeeWho! I'm coming into town from L.A. with my sister. So glad Wonkette is having a shindig. Judging from the comments whenever Benincasa shows up, there will be many horny dudes. And funny ones. Here's hoping y'all have good hygiene and all your teeth.

mumbly_joe October 25, 2010 at 11:27 pm

Best out of three?

horsedreamer_1 October 26, 2010 at 8:15 am

You're Obie Trice?

fuflans October 25, 2010 at 10:14 pm

will this be a continuing thru the late night event?

Fuck Toad October 25, 2010 at 10:29 pm

I'll be over here on the west coast waiting for nipslip shots of our Riley. I don't have enough plasma to sell to afford round trip tickets to Our Nation's Capital on a couple day's notice.

TheSheriffsNear October 25, 2010 at 11:00 pm

What? No one is availing themselves of the low-hanging Agnes Moorehead jokes? I almost chose Crayven Moorehead over Heywood Jablome back in the pre-intense debate days.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2010 at 6:52 am

"Big Hunt?" Any relation to that Mike Hunt guy they're always paging on the PA system at the airport?

freakishlywrong October 26, 2010 at 7:59 am

"Big Hunt"?. Say it fast and it sounds like "Big C-word". So, yeah, count me in!

mrblifil October 26, 2010 at 10:26 am

Elizabeth Montgomery was so hot. Her hotness in that picture is so great, it extends to even makes me consider what a romp with Agnes Moorehead must have been like. Her performance in Citizen Kane suggests she was naughty in the extreme.

thecryingeagle October 26, 2010 at 11:43 am

Awesome. I am about due for a regrettable one night stand, and I don't want it to be a damn libertarian this time.

Whatever October 26, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Or NAKED!!!!!

DCValleyGirl October 27, 2010 at 11:58 pm

Well, thatwould certainly contribute to thescary horror atmosphere of the evening…. From: notifications@intensedebatemail.comTo: vsamson@hotmail.comSubject: Whatever replied to your comment on Come To Wonkette's Friday Night Horror Bar Night!

sanantonerose October 27, 2010 at 2:41 am

I'll wander in, late, already drunk. *belch*

ByronTheBulb October 28, 2010 at 11:39 pm

How tantalizing is a chance to see Wonketters in the flesh, though I suspect that Ken Layne is the only real person and the rest of the editors are his internet sock puppets.

Oh and Fresh off the bus today, I saw Ross Douthet on the Metro, which I guess constitutes a DC "Star sighting".

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