bible trivia revised 2010 edition

Christine O’Donnell Tells Jesus People She’s ‘Dead To Herself’

Healing lazy scooter-bound Teabaggers with a single touch.Sure, when you see Christine O’Donnell talking in debates about not knowing any Supreme Court cases or any current members of the Senate, you think, “There’s at least a 50% chance this woman is Jesus Christ incarnate.” But you didn’t think she’d actually admit it. Well, THINK AGAIN. In an interview with The 700 Club airing tomorrow, O’Donnell reveals that she actually died once but then rose from the dead when God wanted her to represent Delaware in the U.S. Senate. “If I didn’t believe that there were [sic] a cause greater than myself worth fighting for, if I didn’t believe that it takes a complete dying of self to make things right in this election cycle, I would not be running, and when you die to yourself, you rely on a power greater than yourself,” she said, referring to the power of emerging out of a funeral cave as a zombie-Jesus Senate candidate.

And also God gave her “desire,” which is why she has loud sex with “pudding cup” men all the time:

I still pray this now: God will give you the desires of your heart. Some people think its what you want. God will give you what you want but He will create those desires in you so that you have a passion to do what He is calling you to

Makes sense. God wants her to be an unemployed masturbation-hater who runs for Senate professionally.

You gave me this desire of my heart to serve the people of Delaware to go in there and be your voice in Congress. Help me here! (Laughs)”

David Brody: “And win or lose God is God.”

Christine O’Donnell: “You know, I don’t even go win or lose. I believe win. I know that God called me to this.

And when has a person who believed God was telling them to do something ever been wrong? See you in the Senate, Christine. [CBN]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SecretMuslin

    It's funny, Mohammad Atta said the EXACT SAME THING on 9/10. Weird…

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Now that you mention it, I don't recall ever seeing the two of them together…

    • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

      To be fair to O'Donnell, I think Atta was also masturbating furiously in the men's stall of a strip club on 9/10. Makes you wonder what's going on the back of her campaign bus Ford Focus.

    • LibrulEleet

      That would be the *late* Mohammad Atta?

  • GunTotingProgressive

    Joan of Newark?

    • Mindblank

      Martyred at the Steak. And Shake. Probably in somebody's back seat.

    • BrentKockman

      She has vowed to tear down the Old Castle and rebuild a New Castle in its place

      • HELisforHEL

        Hee.

    • HELisforHEL

      Please no. I grew up there –please don't sully my many happy memories with scenes of the Female Zombie Jesus (with 'Return Unopened' tattooed on her ass) stalking the favorite haunts of my youth.

    • Extemporanus

      Or perhaps fellow zombie Joan Van Ark.

  • bumfug

    She is, unfortunately, alive to everyone else.

  • neiltheblaze

    If God told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that too?

    • Ducksworthy

      Pssst KKKristine. This is Gawd. You CAN fly. Go off the edge of the cliff and prove your faith in ME.

      • BarryOPotter

        Take you to a roof, "sure you can fly, just jump, slut."
        –Naughty By Nature, Yoke the Joker

        Shit! Treach is like mufukn Nostradamus!

  • smrtmnky

    "BRAIIIIIINNNNN!! MUST GET BRAIIIIIINNNN!! Seriously i need a brain. And I'm peckish."

  • CapeClod

    If she is us, then how come we're not all running for the Senate in Delaware?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    To Teabaggers who cost the GOPers a senate seat with their utter utter "brilliance" by choosing Xtine:

    Who's your messiah, noooooooowwww?

    • metamarcisf

      Where's your Moses now?!!

    • Beowoof

      Thank God as it looks like Sharron Angle is going to win. Which gives me mixed on emotions, it will be fun to have a willful retard like that to pick on. On the other hand she is a retard in the senate. I wonder if she will get together with other Teabagger types and form the Retard Caucus.

      • metamarcisf

        The word "retard" is out. Try substituting the following:
        A woman with the intellectual capacity of a small soapdish.

        • chicken_thief

          Easier to say "she's Triggin it".

  • thelobbyist

    Kinda jumped the shark haven't you Wonkette?

  • Beowoof

    Just woman driving around on her short campaign bus doing the work of the Lord.

  • Eve8Apples

    She should stick to the "mice have human brains" story. It is much more believable than the "I have risen from the dead" story or the "God wants me to win" story.

  • Mindblank

    Many are called but few can get more votes than the Lizard People.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I died once too. It was after I mowed the lawn one night. I sat down on the couch and my heart stopped functioning correctly and I passed out (away?). Fortunately, I have a defibrillator implanted in my chest, so I got better.
    God told me to mow less and play Xbox more. I like my God better than hers.

  • PocketsTheClown

    Theres autoerotic asphyxia written all over the margins.

    • chicken_thief

      I got the impression that Jeebus was finger banging her.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Like Christine would date a Jew.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    God wants me to be rich. So could you all start sending in your money, now?

  • Katydid

    I knew it! God gives me the desire to have lots and lots of sex, and his payoff is my usual prayer at the end, oh God, oh God, oh God.

    • CapeClod

      God gives me the desire to drink heavily whenever I hear someone say that their action are purposefully motivated by God's will.

      • chicken_thief

        Amen, bro!

      • MaxNeanderthal

        God told me not to beleive in him, even if he doesn't exist- or should that be even though I thought I don't exist? Or maybe he does think i didn't think he does- or something?
        Seriously though, can I have my language back? If the Eeyore of the swamp wants to talk this sort of self regarding bollocks, can she do it in some other lingo? Spanglish? Urdu? Mandarin?

  • SarcasticNymph

    CBN is one large mouse-brain infestation.

  • Radiotherapy

    She's still technically brain dead though.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    If she's getting all these calls from God, who is her cell phone carrier? AT&T (Afterlife Transcendental Transponders)?

    • PocketsTheClown

      Shes with Virgin.

  • freakishlywrong

    Yeah well, God told the last asshat in the WH to invade Iraq. Look how great that turned out.

    • chicken_thief

      Clearly some of the sheep just don't get God's sense of humor.

    • HELisforHEL

      Seriously, this God fellow seems more often than not to be a real dumbass with a cruel sense of humor.

  • chascates

    When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Christine, and Sarah Palin was following close behind her. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by confusion, ignorance and fear-mongering, and by the wild beasts of the media.

    Book of Refudiation of Saint Stuef the Evangelist at 6:1-8

    • chicken_thief

      Of course! Doh. No wonder Christine doesn't have to diddle herself – 7 minutes in the saddle, from a gentle lope, to an invigorating trot, then finishing with an all out gallop is all she needs.

  • JMPEsq

    Christine, those voices in your head are symptoms of schizophrenia, not god.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      She's not the messiah, she's a very naughty girl!!!

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Always trying to one-up Lazarus. shameless.

  • LakeLucilleLoon

    "I'm not dead, I'm you, unless of course you're dead, then I'm not you, but I was you when I was dead, just for a minute".

    • JustPixelz

      Here it comes: "I am not a zombie. I'm you."

  • V572625694

    This is like goofing on Alvin Greene: not funny anymore.

    Unless she gets more than 4,000 votes, in which case let her have it.

    Or wins, in which case let me have it.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    She thinks small and that forces her to misinterpret God. Think Christine (yeah, I know), God doesn't want you to go to Washington, he wants you to go to Iowa and then New Hampshire and then South Carolina.

    For fuck's sake, don't let God down.

    • Ein_Rant

      Holy crap! Somebody here with an ounce of wit? Did they check your ID before they let you in? You are clearly at least 20yrs old… I thought this was a teen-only site unless one has 'Chaperon' creds… Who knew?

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Is it la petite mort she's referring to?

    Cuz' you know, orgasms for Jeebus must be awesome!

    • V572625694

      They don't call nuns "Brides of Christ" for nothing.

  • mumbly_joe

    Christine O’Donnell Tells Jesus People She’s ‘Dead To Herself’

    I've tried that before, but I think it's more popularly known as The Stranger

  • ttommyunger

    She's dead to me too, but I'd probably still fuck her before she got too cold. No, there is no hope for me.

    • ThePrincessPat

      But, still, if you have that desire in your heart, you know who put it there! So, it's all good

      • ttommyunger

        Thank you. I feel better now, heh, heh.

    • Barrelhse

      There ain't NOTHING like the Dying Twitches, IMO.

      • ttommyunger

        Oh, you are sooo righ… (sorry, got to go beat off)

  • BrentKockman

    Millions in campaign donations are about the only thing between this bitch and a job at Cinn-a-bon in the Christiana Mall

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    “I know that God called me to this.”

    God, Satan, Tea party or the dog next door. I still don’t like her.

    • chicken_thief

      From her past, it seems God also told her – "fuck getting a job and paying bills. Jes keep representin' " And she went forth and followed his Word….

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I don't know, that ol' Pudding Cup is kind of a low-rent Ted Hughes.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    God once told me to lift a Three Musketeers bar from the small mom & pop store down the street when I was a kid. I said, "are you sure?", and God said "sure I'm sure. No one will see you, no one will ever know! You've been a good boy, you deserve it." So I did. And the wicked store owner grabbed me by the collar and called my mother, who turned out to be evil as well, for sending me to my room with no TV that night. Sometimes we suffer for following the will of God in our lives.

    Maybe the 700 Club would like to interview me too.

  • Terry

    "God will give you the desires of your heart. "

    What if the desire of someone's heart is completely amoral or evil?

    • SheriffRoscoe

      What about the mundane stuff, like baloney with cheese, or chef boyardee? How many hours have Evangelicals wasted over the years, staring at the kitchen cabinet, not knowing the desire of their own hearts, waiting for God to lead, guide and direct?

  • GuyClinch

    “If I didn’t believe that there were [sic] a cause greater than myself.."

    Hey, who put that [sic] in there? By saying "were", Christine is revealing that she is talking about something impossible (subjunctive). If she said "was", then she's talking about reality (indicative). So anyhow, she's very subtly telling us that she doesn't believe that god is greater than her, and that she is greater than god. The End. Or something like that.

  • JMPEsq

    Claiming that she's died and come back, though, shows that she must have an oversized ego, comparing herself to Superman like that.

  • x111e7thst

    Xtine should turn to AquaBuddha. She would get better advice.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    What spike in the polls? Is that the one by Rasmussen that showed her down by only 11 as opposed to 21?

    It's amazing. Every day brings a new level of stupid to O'Donnell and her campaign.

    • JMPEsq

      Rasmussen has a great reputation as a reliable, unbiased pollster that never systematically overstates support for Republican candidates and issues.

      • PresBeeblebrox

        Indeed. That's why I am more inclined to believe the UD poll that has her down by 21. She's going to lose big … unless Zombie Reagan and Zombie Jeebus appear together on November 2 and force everyone to vote for O'Meatball.

  • OhHellToTheNo

    An angry God just issued a clarification:

    "I told her: 'Repent nowhere near the Senate!' I sent all the prayers for her straight to voicemail and then I got my phone number changed. Her spike in election polls only happened because I accidentally hit the election button when my head hit the desk after listening to her for more than 5 minutes. Also, I would say she's the Antichrist but she's far too dumb for that."

  • Beetagger

    I look forward to seeing her walking across the Chesapeake to rightfully claim her throne. Jesus can't do that anymore… his feet leak.

  • Weenus299

    Shush people. It's just a ploy to bring out the dead vote.

    • keliel

      She isn't running in Illinois.

    • Barrelhse

      Weenus299 shushed me.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Her crotch felt dead but then Mr. Pudding Cup came along and changed all that.

    • Ein_Rant

      Glad you found your lube…

  • LionelHutzEsq

    So, it is official, if Christine O'Donnell loses, God hates Delaware?

    I can't really say I'm shocked by this.

  • itsjesuscriss

    Oi! I only brought her back for one reason and once realized she had sown the thing up tight I should have put her back out of her misery.

  • Steverino247

    God calling Christine:

    SOO-EE! HERE PIG,PIG, PIG!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AsrCZdzvAY

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    I also believed that God called on Ms. O'Donnell…to get her ass handed to her to keep the Senate in Democratic hands.

    She apparently tuned that part out.

  • BarryOPotter

    Oh just how very fuckin convenient is that. Turns out the broomstick-banger and her God both want the same thing. JINX! Awesome.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Great — that makes it unanimous.

  • Barrelhse

    I hope Jesus fucks her silly before he smites the shit out of her.

    • Ein_Rant

      Jesus has 'experienced' everyone, including you… Think about it…

  • CapeClod

    God must really hate Mike Castle for choosing her instead of letting him walk off with an almost certain win.

  • Mahousu

    she has loud sex with “pudding cup” men all the time:

    Oh, Bill Cosby, how could you?

  • fuflans

    die in the shakespearean sense?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    My grandma used to say: "when you talk to God, that's praying, but when God talks to you, that's schizophrenia".

  • Chet Kincaid

    Since nobody is stepping forwarding to interpret Fundiebonics, let me point out that "dying to oneself" is a common evangelical expression that just means you're supposedly carrying out God's desires rather than having any selfish motivations of your own. Of course, the ones who throw that phrase around have not "died" to false humility. As the Good Book says, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before mine hand removeth her trousers and smacks that fat behind baboon-red."

    • DustBowlBlues

      I was about to ask if you're my pastor. Then I got to the fat behind and thought nah, she's not that good an actor on Sunday AM.

      Thanks for the translation, all the same.

      • Chet Kincaid

        Son of a Preacher Man, so I'm well stocked with catchphrases to translate/corrupt.

  • lochnessmonster

    She reminds me of the wife of the preacher in True Blood who did it with Sookie's brother up in the choir loft. (Sorry, I'm bad with names).

  • rocktonsam

    isn't God busy enough missy?

    Chrissy's book is going to be awesome.

  • transfatz

    Repeat after me…
    Benzocaine ointment is not lube.
    Benzocaine ointment is not lube.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Akothlus the Earth God wants me to vote for Coons.

  • DustBowlBlues

    You missed a [sic] on that "myself," a reflexive pronoun looking for the noun it refers back to. She could have said, I myself, or I.

    Try to keep the standards up, wonket. And if I'm wrong, some English major with all their college education "rules,z" can correct me.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Yeah. There's that. On the other hand, she could lead to the French army into battle.

    This chick really does think she's Sarah Palin, doesn't it?

  • Ein_Rant

    You d-bags are even more pathetic than the "authors" of the bilge on this site.

    "…if I didn’t believe that it takes a complete dying of self to make things right…"

    "Dying of self", morons… Like when your hero GWB gave up booze! It's all about the redemption…

    Y'all just hate 'cause Dem-broads are so ugly… Lots of hotties on the right…

    Oh, and a lot of the hate is 'cause you're all just stupid…

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      "Y'all?" 'Nuff said.

    • Redhead

      "Lots of hotties on the right…

      Oh, and a lot of the hate is 'cause you're all just stupid…"

      BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yay, a funny troll!

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Same coin, different side. No less fortunate, for all that.

  • lulzmonger

    Undead lady is undead.

    Which explains that fucking OMG I CAN NOT UNSEE IT smile.

  • zhubajie

    "He who sits in the heavens laughs them to scorn."

  • Redhead

    Next she'll say she's a vampire and then she will have jumped on ALL the bandwagons the 13-year-girls think are cool these days.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Sew manny misteaks, ewe can taik you're pic
    That's (sic) (sic) (sic) (sic) (sic) (sic) (sic)

  • aious

    Actually, whenever I see or hear her speak I think, 'There is a 50% chance that she is mentally retarded"

  • nachoproblem

    She actually means, "If you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you could ever imagine."

    She's a Jedi, not a zombie.

  • labman57

    It's the second coming of Christine O'Donnell …

    (I'll restrain myself from invoking any references to "coming" homonyms)