eharmony matches

New Pals Scalia and Kagan Hang Out At Gun Range

Friends with government benefits
Antonin Scalia was spotted giving Elena Kagan “a lesson” about shootin’ crap at a shooting “club” last week, according to The Daily Caller, which has set up a tin-can telephone at the bottom of Tucker Carlson’s treehouse to receive such tips. Clarence Thomas is gonna be so pissed when he finds out his blood brother was hanging out with that new girl without him! According to eyewitnesses who had their rifle scopes trained on the liberal intruder woman, Scalia was “bending down in order to teach Kagan how to hold the shotgun,” and “the pair were shooting skeet.” Sexy! For their second date, Scalia will do Kagan’s favorite activity, recreationally aborting a fetus and then gay-marrying it to another aborted fetus.

The witnesses saw Scalia at the Fairfax Rod and Gun Club, where he is a member, around noon on Wednesday of last week. He was with a woman who was noticeably diminutive in height, like Kagan, who stands at about five feet three inches. The witnesses, who got a very close look at the pair, say that the woman was the newest Supreme Court Justice.

Sounds like someone played those Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? computer games as a kid. They really put together those clues! High five, witnesses!

And also, what exactly is the “Rod” part of this “Fairfax Rod and Gun Club”? Is that about gun-club members going in a room and comparing dicks?

The verdict (HA! THAT’S A JUDGE THING!) here is that Obama’s Supreme Court nominees really try to go through the motions of this whole “empathy with the other side thing.” It’s just like that time Sonia Sotomayor let Clarence Thomas sexually harass her and show her weird boob porn. [Daily Caller]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • JoeMamased

    Oh noes! That hussy stealin' Ruthie's man!

    • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

      Awww. It's kind of cute. His work-wife Ruthie retired so he's courting her replacement, another nice Jewish girl. It almost humanizes him.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I assume the "Rod" refers to a fishing rod, but she should have pulled a Cheney on old Antonin….and then never apologized.

    • V572625694

      The fact that you have to essplain the "rod" in "rod and gun club" to Jack this shows ya what an elitist cesspool our Wonkett has become. Noted gun enthusiast David Brooks says so.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        I had 2 schools of thought when I typed that:

        1. Maybe Jack should have hung out some with folks NOT in the A/V club or
        2. Jack is obsessed with sex

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I'm sure the thought crossed her mind.

  • Canmon

    That should put those lesbian rumors to rest.

    • Fare la Volpe

      For which one?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Next week they'll go off to play in a softball tournament together!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Elena, please, please, please say no if Tony wants to bring Dick Cheney along for a shooting threesome.

    Or any sort of threesome actually.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    "Hold the shotgun"–is that what Scalia calls it?

  • Gopherit

    Nothing like a relaxing afternoon of Scotus shooting Skeetus.

  • edgydrifter

    Meanwhile, Clarence thinks he can get Kagan to "switch teams" with his beef-log prowess, and Samuel wants to document the attempt from inside Clarence's closet.

    • Terry

      So that's why Thomas' college nickname was "Swiss Colony"

  • chascates

    I bet the real tip-off was the black robes they were wearing.

  • freakishlywrong

    For their second date, Scalia will do Kagan’s favorite activity, recreationally aborting a fetus and then gay-marrying it to another aborted fetus.

    That will be "Breaking News" on the Fair and Balanced channel.
    CNN will follow with: "Is gay marriage for aborted feti in the Constitution, or not?"
    MSNBC will just blame the whole controversy on Obama due to his "aloofness" and his inability to connect with Real 'Muricans. (Because he's black).

    • mrbubb

      Pretty sure fetus is a fourth declension noun, which makes the plural "fetus", but probably "fetuses" will do. Or God's little republicans, whichever.

      • freakishlywrong

        I was going for the "Cletus" model. Multiple rednecks/teatards are "Cleti"..

  • bumfug

    Kagan spent the rest of the day making "half-cocked" jokes about Scalia and laughing her ass off.

    • Mindblank

      It's true that his shotgun wasn't Full Choke.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Didn't Jimmy Cagney call a pistol a rod?

    A Rod, isn't that an overpaid baseball player?

    • SecretMuslin

      A Rod is an overpaid baseball player that will, thankfully, be watching the World Series from the comfort of his sofa.

      • RedneckMuslin

        Shee, the dame's got a hold of my rod, shee. The dirty rat, shee.

      • SarcasticNymph

        sofa enormous ego

  • neiltheblaze

    For her next lesson, Samuel Alito will guide Kagan through the finer points of State of the Union etiquette.

  • Lucidamente1

    Clarence Thomas rents “Fairfax Rod and Gun Club IV” at least twice a month.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Pull!

  • mumbly_joe

    I always suspected Scalia was a lesbian. How will Scalia manage to rule against DADT, with this obvious conflict of interest?!

    RECUSE YOURSELF.

  • slithytovesss

    I notice Elena doesn't wear a bib on the front of her gown like Ginsberg. She's missing that oh so feminine touch.

    • nappyduggs

      You mean the feminine trait of swallowing over spitting?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Looks to me like she just forgot to take off her napkin after eating lunch.

    • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

      I love Ginsburg, but that looks so lame, lamer than wearing a long black robe and almost as lame as Rehnquist having stripes sewn on his sleeves to show that he was team captain of the Supreme Court.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Scalia taught a firey Latinia how to shoot a gun?

    There is no way this ends well.

    • JMPEsq

      No, the lesbian; he still thinks Sotomayor is the SC cleaning lady.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Damn, Commies all look a like to me.

    • HELisforHEL

      Actually if she Cheney'ed his *ss, it would end very very well.

  • Mumbletypeg

    I'm glad to see — though it's hard to clearly tell for sure if that's Sotomayor on theback row/ far left? — that the doily-bib is finally phasing-out with these most recent swearings-in.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Hell, even I'd shoot skeet with Scalia. It's that fun.

    Pull!

    But I'd rather go bird hunting with him, if you know what I mean.

  • Sgt_Biyatch

    I have a whole new level of respect for Elena Kagan. The self restraint necessary to avoid shooting Scalia repeatedly must've been excruciating.

  • DCHatesMe

    I remember when Wonkette was the DC gossip blog. Tucker Carlson is so cool now.

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    (Rod and Gunnar?)

    This is a pet peeve of mine. The gay-haters say, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

    Well, guess what, assholes. You're half right. It would never be Adam and Steve. It would be Adam and Stephen.

  • JustPixelz

    With some bad aiming, we could have seen a re-enactment of "Bush v Gore".

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    So now she knowz what to do when Anton-eee-oh-nee says PULL.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I always cry at aborted fetus weddings.

    • Extemporanus

      ♪♫ It's a fetus bride when you've already paid… ♪♫

  • nappyduggs

    Aww, c'mon, Leni! I can't believe you fell for this. I remember when I was an awkward girl of fifty…oh, scratch that. I remember when I was an awkward Nappy and would agree to do just about anything with a fella if he'd pay some attention to me. But, like so many Eighties' movies, they were always using me in lieu of/to get back at the hot, popular girl, in this case the sexy, illegal Mexirican Sonia Sotomayor. He' still really bitter about her not going all Lady and the Tramp on a churro with him, now he's trying to put some buckshot in her nalgas, andwants to use you as a pawn. Stay home with a nice, thick law journal or Nicholas Sparks novel. Your prince will come….

  • JustPixelz

    My book report

    "The Hunt for Red Sonia" by Antonin Scalia is the story of a man named Tony who thinks a woman named Sonia is a red socialist. To learn the truth, he starts spending time with her. Like in Sandra Bullock movies, she doesn't have a boyfriend even though she is "super foxy". But the man discovers she is really more than super foxy. She is also super smart. The book ends at the shooting range which has lots of symbolism.

    This is a good book that I recommend for anyone who is interested in hunting.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Kagan's just training for her Birthright trip & service in the IDF.

  • chicken_thief

    Hmm. Be interesting to see how Kagan votes on the next 2nd Amendment issue to be argued….

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    Scalia is just prepping her for a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

  • chicken_thief

    On another subject, just wtf is "weird boob porn"? Does it mean "weird boob" porn – like three nipple shit? Or weird "boob porn"?

    Either way, can I get on the Clarence Thomas/Carl Palidino email list?

  • Guppy06

    Why do half the comments think this is about Sotomayor?

    Dyke, spic, what's the diff?

  • Beowoof

    My observation would be the she doesn't appear to have the boobs in quite the size that Clarence prefers so he probably chose to stay home and bang that cow he is married to.

  • Mindblank

    Guess she's part of the Old Boy network, now. The skeet has hit the fan.

  • Winnie_Cooper

    So, basically, Scalia is creeped out by Virginia Thomas and is shopping around for a new Supreme Court BFF.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Yes, but if the Godfather has taught us anything, it's that Jews & Italians cannot get along. Just look how Michael had Moe Green done!

  • Extemporanus

    "Leave the gun. Take the rugelach."

  • Tundra Grifter

    I don't care how you cook 'em, Skeet always taste terrible.

    Why bother shooting anything you're not going to be able to eat?

    Although they are probably the one thing The Gov'Nor could actually clean.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Oh, I can see it now, Todd calling around frantically around the Valley for anyone with some extra skeet in their freezers for Sarah's next publicity seeking casserole.

  • Neilist

    YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!!!!!

    No, that's not what you think it is. I was quoting Molly Bloom's soliloquy from "Ulysses."

    Gesh. You Liberal Communist Pink SCUM are sooooo quick to stereotype.

    Neilist
    NRA Wonkette/Celtic Literature Desk,
    Lesbian Outreach Department

  • Not_So_Much

    As long as Clarence got dibs on sniffing the gun stock first, he was probably ok with Scalia dating outside the party. Tho' Ginny will have to spank his naughty ass later…

  • bbqboy

    " The witnesses, who got a very close look at the pair, say that the woman was the newest Supreme Court Justice."
    I suspect that his breasts are bigger than hers.
    But testicles, I'm not sure about. She could be hung like a horse.

  • Schmannnity

    Skeet skeet skeet. All these bitches crawl