Oh noes, perhaps you realize that the midterm elections are, oh, a week away and that the results aren’t looking so great for the Democrats. But this isn’t about America! This is about DC! America is full of fat slobs who like God and the missionary position, but DC is full of people whose eating and living habits are profiled in the New York Times. In the two years since Obama took office, the District has quadrupled the number of hamburger, pizza, and do-it-yourself frozen yogurt restaurants. But if Republicans win big next week, our liberal paradise of barbecued pig, gourmet cupcakes, Korean tacos, and lobster rolls is in grave danger.

Unless a whole bunch of young people, black people, and Asian-looking-Hispanics run to the polls next week, we’re going to have to start preparing for a DC that caters to a Delaware Masturbating Witch, a Kentucky Aqua Buddhist and the kind of teabagger people who work for them. This cannot be a good thing.

What will this new Washington be like? Do we really want a DC that understands what the rest of the country is feeling, again? Out-of-touch DC — where the biggest issues are the smell of rotting meat and the long-lines for gourmet crustaceans — is a much more pleasant place to live than, say, a place where there are no jobs and everyone is homeless/hungry (the rest of America).

But DC has already lost its pro-white mayor, and with the coming influx of people who get most of their nutrition from Slim Jims and Big Gulps and curse all things elite, Washington is facing the kind of change we can’t believe in.

Anyone who lives off the green and yellow lines will at least be spared from interacting with the New Arrivals, but this means that those who live in the white enclaves will soon have to share the streets with Tea Party types. Now would be a good time to do all your fun favorite elite activities in the Northwest Quadrant, Northern Virginia, Eastern Market and everywhere else the teabaggers consider safe, before you’re run off the road by a motorized scooter and/or stoned for eating delicious food. Hurry! Try 7th Hill Pizza or Ted’s Bulletin in Eastern Market, the Mussel Bar in Bethesda, Pizzeria Paradiso or Redrocks Pizzeria in Old Town Alexandria, or Central or Equinox in Northwest.

All of these beloved eating establishments are likely to be replaced by Taco Bell and Hometown Buffet.

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  • OvertonWindolt

    Teabaggers burned down the Lebanese Butcher.

    • nicnack74

      It's just a matter of time before Roti is being profiled as a Muslim terrorist plot due to its proximity to the White house and general tastiness.

  • Pragmatist2

    But where will the Republicans in blackface eat?
    Caught between Ben's Chili Bowl and Ben and Jerry's, that is one ugly culinary wasteland for them to navigate,

  • So everything in DC will be deep fried in salt and butter?

    Oh well. Enjoy yers ethniks food like doughnuts and peppers while it lasts.

  • Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    I'm locking down all available Chili's and Olive Garden franchises right now.

    • bringmeanaxe

      Don't forget Chik-fil-A.

      • Terry

        Chick-fil-a is owned by a fundy, sure, but that is a darn fine chicken sandwich.

        • Anthr_DCLwyr3d

          I'm with you on that one, I always feel guilty eating there, but god damn it's good. Probably the same way the owner feels when he rubs one out.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I know this is a bit picky considering all the things horrid about the Olive Garden (where the only thing that's authentically Italian is the service) but what the hell is up with their name? They know olives grow in orchards right? If they didn't like the assonance they could call it the Olive Grove — but garden — really? It's pretty far down on my list of peeves, but it still annoys me. Of course they did introduce Americans to that exotic Italian specialty of salad and breadsticks, so I guess I should be thankful…

      • Anthr_DCLwyr3d

        I think your chances of getting authentic Hospitaliano on your next visit just diminished.

        • SayItWithWookies

          It's okay — I'm making stuffed shells tonight.

  • MildMidwesterner

    They'll help turn DC into a fairytale place where the Dairy Queen will (straight) marry the Burger King and live in the White Castle. And we'll live happily ever after until the Masturbating Witch tricks us into eating a poisoned Applebees, after which we'll move in with seven small, eccentric & well-dressed men who banded together after getting kicked out of the military.

    • No. It'll change when Burger King is caught rear ending the Big Boy With his Whopper in the play area of a local McDs.

      • OneDollarJuana

        You mean in the "ball pit". With secret sauce. With Wendy watching. Afterwards it'll be a Jack-in-the-Box (if ya get ma drift).

        Ugh. Makes me wanna Herfy.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Just watch out for them doing the In-N-Out. Could be awkward.

  • Beetagger

    Thank god. Maybe we can get a Hardees in Bethesda now.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What a day — and the prospect of not being able to get a decent mint chutney for one's samosas is not improving things. To your tents, O Israel! And you too, Mumbai!

  • loquacioustunes

    If the Republicans take over, "KFC Double Down" booty pants will become the "pant of choice" for the young, well-hung male page.

    • Doglessliberal

      Truth in advertising would require that people who actually eat the Double Down wear the shorts, so a few people like this

      • loquacioustunes

        Compared to the fatasses that will be roaming D.C. in a few weeks, that dude is positively svelte. Even Wonkette's beloved Justin Bieber won't escape the wrath of the Double Down.

        • Doglessliberal

          Oh, they are already here. The number of people who take up two Metro seats grows every day. I kid not.

      • elviouslyqueer

        I always wondered what Wonkette's apocryphal gunt guy looked like sitting up. And sweet lord, the memory will linger for a long, long time now.

        • Doglessliberal

          You are welcome.

  • Terry

    "Anyone who lives off the green and yellow lines will at least be spared from interacting with the New Arrivals "

    I suspect those of us on the eastern arm of the Red Line will be spared, as well. Wheaton and Silver Spring, let alone Glenmont, are pretty scary for tea baggers. Immigrants, hippies, college kids, all sorts of fearsome beasties.

    • finallyhappy

      And don't forget- no elected Republicans anywhere in Montgomery County!!

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Historically, DC has stood for District of Columbia. With little effort this can be changed to Dumb Cunts.

  • mumbly_joe

    Wait a sec- are you saying that if we fail to vote, then a whole bunch of teabaggers will move to a fetid swamp without the franchise which is far, far away from me?

    íNo Votes!

  • Respitetini

    Epic post. Thank you for reminding me why I love being elite. Now if you'll excuse me, my cruelty-free fois gras is oxidizing…

    • BarryOPotter

      How does the cruelty-free fois gras taste? I'm reluctant to switch out of fear that as the cruelty level diminishes, so does the flavor.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ha ha, DC elitists, enjoy the fine dining at your new Sizzler!!!

    • GOPCrusher

      Golden Corral. And make sure to take your punch card with you because after your fifth All You Can Eat Buffet, the sixth one is free!

  • I hadn't realized how horrible this will be for DC residents.

    You have put up with a climate better suited to a tropical hellhole (with occasional Winter Death Storms), not having representation in Congress and the Washington Nationals but now you will be overrun by packs of feral dogs carrying the National Review and spouting what they read on Red State.

  • capitolhillblly

    This young lady has not been around long enough to realize the horrible truth about this town: people come here for a job that is theoretically temporary, and most of them never leave, even when the job ends.

    So the ten dollar burger joints are safe. Also, I don't think we have to worry about our new redneck overlords getting rid of the barbecued pig.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Jack Abramoff says, "Goodbye, Kosher pizza in B'more. Hello, steak-house in DC!"

    He is back. He is back. Jack. Is. Back.

  • nicnack74

    The question is with all of this Mexican scapegoating: Will we see decent Mexican food in the District? I'm still looking.

    • finallyhappy

      Oyamel? Ok, it is elitist but they have some amazing brussel sprouts

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