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Oh noes, perhaps you realize that the midterm elections are, oh, a week away and that the results aren’t looking so great for the Democrats. But this isn’t about America! This is about DC! America is full of fat slobs who like God and the missionary position, but DC is full of people whose eating and living habits are profiled in the New York Times. In the two years since Obama took office, the District has quadrupled the number of hamburger, pizza, and do-it-yourself frozen yogurt restaurants. But if Republicans win big next week, our liberal paradise of barbecued pig, gourmet cupcakes, Korean tacos, and lobster rolls is in grave danger.

Unless a whole bunch of young people, black people, and Asian-looking-Hispanics run to the polls next week, we’re going to have to start preparing for a DC that caters to a Delaware Masturbating Witch, a Kentucky Aqua Buddhist and the kind of teabagger people who work for them. This cannot be a good thing.

What will this new Washington be like? Do we really want a DC that understands what the rest of the country is feeling, again? Out-of-touch DC — where the biggest issues are the smell of rotting meat and the long-lines for gourmet crustaceans — is a much more pleasant place to live than, say, a place where there are no jobs and everyone is homeless/hungry (the rest of America).

But DC has already lost its pro-white mayor, and with the coming influx of people who get most of their nutrition from Slim Jims and Big Gulps and curse all things elite, Washington is facing the kind of change we can’t believe in.

Anyone who lives off the green and yellow lines will at least be spared from interacting with the New Arrivals, but this means that those who live in the white enclaves will soon have to share the streets with Tea Party types. Now would be a good time to do all your fun favorite elite activities in the Northwest Quadrant, Northern Virginia, Eastern Market and everywhere else the teabaggers consider safe, before you’re run off the road by a motorized scooter and/or stoned for eating delicious food. Hurry! Try 7th Hill Pizza or Ted’s Bulletin in Eastern Market, the Mussel Bar in Bethesda, Pizzeria Paradiso or Redrocks Pizzeria in Old Town Alexandria, or Central or Equinox in Northwest.

All of these beloved eating establishments are likely to be replaced by Taco Bell and Hometown Buffet.

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