cries for help

Michael Bennet Resorts To Child Labor, Kidnapping Old Woman

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This video was e-mailed to us by a frightened child calling herself “Halina Bennet.” She told us she and her siblings put this video together exposing the cruel child-labor practices Sen. Michael Bennet has forced upon them in his campaign. Shameful.

From the e-mail:

Dear Friend —

Oh God, this child thinks some some blog about political dildos is her friend? She will need a lifetime of therapy.

My dad has been working hard for Colorado in the Senate and we’ve been helping him with his campaign for a long time now.

YOUR FATHER is doing this to you? For “a long time now”? Disgusting.

Michael Bennet needs to hire some legal workers to cold-call registered voters and distribute his lawn signs. He’s making children do this? That’s worse than forcing them to working in a coal mine.

Also illegal, obviously, is the abduction of this poor old woman in this unsafe vehicle. And then Michael Bennet has the gall to try to strong-arm this woman into the polling station to vote for him? Just appalling, this man.

Sponsored Intermission

We wanted to help our dad get as many votes as possible so we just made a new TV ad for him.

We hear your coded cry for help, girls. Protective services have been called and now you will be stoled away by the government. [YouTube]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!


    Ok, I think my ovaries just flipped over.

    • Extemporanus

      Your eggs are over easy…

  • JMPEsq

    They're making those poor girls use old-fashioned standard phones; not just a land line, but corded. Don't the Bennetts know that all the cool parents are giving the kids as young as zero the iPhones today?

    • PocketsTheClown

      What an asshole.

  • jakegittes

    Is one of those girls the young actress who plays Don Draper's daughter?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      No, if it was she would have chocked those other two girls, drank a bottle of Scotch, and set the old lady in the wagon on fire.

      • neiltheblaze

        And in that case I would have watched the video.

      • smokefilledroommate

        Sally's turned over a new leaf lately, now that she has a shrink. But she'll probably be back to Crazy Sally next season…

        • SudsMcKenzie

          Your right of course, … we should really move this over to Gawkette.

  • Troubledog

    The fuck? I thought Jim DeMint was America's Dad.

  • PublicLuxury

    Moar babays being stolen… Then forced to work for a politician. It would be safer for these kids to live in a crack house. Why can't the gubmint leave the babays alone

    • chicken_thief

      The kids seemed happy, though. Really happy. Unnaturally happy. I'm fucking jealous. It's almost enough to make me wanna move to Colorado just to get them really good drugs – but not quite.

  • PocketsTheClown

    Scott is a way better pimp.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And I hear he routinely threatens to send them to bed without any supper.

  • prommie

    Won't someone think of the children forced to slave in Michael Bennet's underground sign factories?

    • prommie

      You see, the theory is, that even though "think of the children" is an old and tired gag, if I repeat it enough times, my presistence in doing it over and over and over, will make it funny again, by establishing a character for me, as that guy who can be reliably trusted to always trot out that old 'think of the children" joke.

      That right above, thats a meta-joke, and this statement here, because It refers to my consciousness of the meta-ness of my joke, is a meta-meta joke. From here, its turtles all the way down. (Sanskrit joke)

      • JMPEsq

        Abed, is that you?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I understand; personal memes are so important in trying to stand out in today's fast paced, competitive blog comments sections. I'm currently branding myself as the Throat-Punching-Guy® here on the Wonkette.

        When others are saying they'd like to "beat the crap" out of, "kick the nuts" of, "shoot the fuck", or otherwise beat, maim or kill someone identified here as a skuzzbag, I'm always the one that points out it would be more fun to punch them in the throat, so you can watch them fall to the floor, writhe in pain and gasp desperately for breath.

        So anyway, remember the Throat-Punching®, gang. That's my turf.

        • gurukalehuru

          And I'm doing the thingie thingie. You know, the whole seducing women on yachts thingie or the whole David Vitter pays hookers to have him shit in a diaper and then they change him like a little baby thingie, the whole Megan McCain big titty thingie, like that. And the putting "and" at the beginning of sentences thingie. That's me. I'm that guy.

      • lulzmonger

        I'm going for the use of jocular & trenchant analogies to illustrate someone's level of stupidity (needs instructions printed on their food, has to be told to breathe, couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a jockstrap made of money, etc.) … it's a bit more work than a catchphrase & not as sexy, but it does give the reward of snark well done, when I can avoid fucking it up.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Why did it sound to me like the voice-over guy was about to say "he's better suited to fix a broken washing machine"?

  • Gratuitous World

    just dont send them doorknocking in the ramseys' neighborhood.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Where are their pearls….?

    • slappypaddy

      they washed them off.

  • neiltheblaze

    You just know that in a few years one of these girls is going to be sporting a purple Mohawk, black lipstick and nail-polish, get multiple nose rings and start wearing a leather bomber jacket that says "Choose Death" on the back. As an artistic statement.

    Either that, or it's Tricia Nixon land forever.

    • DCHatesMe

      So either way, they'll be typcial coloradoans.

  • harry_palmer

    I didn't understand that last part when he and the old doll winked at eah other and said "nice ride," and then he grabbed her ass. Probably has something to do with pork for his district.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Regardless of this person's political views, I am completely mesmerized by his adorable children and will vote for him. (he bets you will to)

    • JMPEsq

      Regardless of this person's political views, I am completely appalled by his opponent's refusal to prosecute rape and belief that gays are just like alcoholics and would vote for him.

      • DashboardBuddha

        That actually was a pretty sweet ad. And that not hating gay thing is pretty good too.

  • SarcasticNymph

    Man, the olds get all the cool rides these days:

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Clearly Sen. Bennet is reaching out to the Tea Party, as once they are in power, child labor will be cheap, legal and everywhere.

    • slappypaddy

      well at least someone will have a job.

  • Extemporanus

    It appears that living the life of a politician's wife has taken quite a toll on poor Mrs. Bennet.

  • JustPixelz

    Looks like a U.N. style socialist rickshaw operation to me. Also, not so much fun pulling Miss Daisy over the Rocky Mountains.

    • Katydid

      Where's the Donner Pass?

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Sadly, the California/Nevada border.

  • Negropolis

    Michael Bennet reminds me of Bert of Bert & Ernie fame. Almost as much as Bob Casey Jr….almost. BTW, Casey and Obama had one of the best campaign bromances in American history.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, WTF? They have this little girl massing emailing and to the likes of this den of sin that is Teh Wonkette? Really?! What kind of father are you, Mr. Bennet?

    • HistoriCat

      That's obviously a job you should reserve for illegal immigrants.

  • awesome_dude

    Halina? Either Michael Bennet is a middle class gaucho-pants wearing suburbanite with no social life who is banging the yoga instructor, or his wife is.

    Side note: Halina, you have done nothing to deserve being mocked. This is about your parents. For your sake, I hope you don't have an invented middle name that you can start using when you go to college.

    PS: Extemporanus has no candy so don't get in his van.

    PPS: oh god please someone put me out of my misery.

    • Extemporanus

      In my line of work, candy's dandy, but chloroform's the norm:

      "Hey little girl, this t-shirt was worn by Nick Jonas…wanna smell it?"

  • Chet Kincaid

    So is this guy a Democrat? I am looking all over his goddamned website, and I cannot find the word "Democrat" anywhere, on anything. What the fuck, are they changing their name to The Blue Party?! Wait, maybe that's not a bad idea. Democracy Blue, like the AmEx card.

    • chicken_thief

      Hey, it worked for Scott Brown and Brown doesn't even live out west where that mavericky thing probably goes over even better.

      Did you happen to notice that he has a pic of him and the fam with Joe Biden? But not Obama. Why does Michael Bennett hate our muslin President?

  • slappypaddy

    "this child thinks some some blog about political dildos is her friend?"

    it could be, if she will change her name to trixie freshmeat.

    (okay, i'm going to go wash my mind out with bleach, because in truth i mean the hapless tyke no harm.)

  • Radiotherapy

    Michael Bennet: "Isn't it about time we revisited those pesky child labor laws? Free markets and good old American work ethic and dreams are what we need to revitalize the economy. Kids deserve the right to contract with an employer. Because its all about job creation."

  • Vinnie Saltine

    Glad that Mr. Bennett dropped the surname of "Ramsey" since that would have KILLED his election chances….what, too soon?

  • johnnyzhivago

    Are those his kids or did he go to the "Rent-a-Family" Agency?

    • denverite

      The blonder the family wins in CO, former KKKlan HQ, his opponent has sinister brunette kids.

  • Beetagger

    Say, who's the GILF?

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  • denverite

    As Colorado is a proud lily-white state, Bennet's showing his true colors –er, or lack thereof.
    The blonder the family, the better…

  • PubOption

    As I recall Halina was a fairly cheap camera from the 1970's. Couldn't they have chosen a more upmarket name like Leica?

  • thefrontpage

    Reason number 5,000 not to use non-actors and family members in stupid, poorly-scripted, poorly-shot, poorly-constructed, poorly-written, idiotic, and moronic television campaign advertisements.