ALASKAN DRUDGE SIREN!  2:01 pm October 22, 2010

Wonkette Exclusive: Joe Miller Runs Screeching From Simple Question

by Bill Scannell

Guess the disability!Alaskan Senate hopeful and semi-bearded teabagger Joe Miller literally ran away from a question about his disabled-veteran status during last night’s “Meet and Greet” session in Anchorage. In a roomful of 50 people — most supporters and well wishers — Miller was asked to identify his service-connected disability and his official “percentage disabled.” Panic swept over Miller’s sweaty face.

Looking away from your correspondent, Miller yelped to no one in particular, “We’ve gotta go!” He then pointed to his wife and said, “Let’s move!” The Millers hustled to the back of the vacant strip mall office next to the pizza place and surrounded themselves with campaign staffers.

This time, Miller’s phalanx of creepy skinheads dressed as Secret Service agents — last seen assaulting and restraining a local journalist — were nowhere around. Your correspondent was able to escape unscathed.

A West Point graduate who served in the first Gulf War, Miller boasts of his military record in his radio and teevee ads, yet refuses to discuss the nature or the degree of his service-connected disabilities; he receives monthly tax-free payments for life as compensation. If Miller is classified as 30% or more disabled, he receives additional payments for each of his nine dependents. This Veterans Administration benefits chart shows that Miller could conceivably be bringing in over $4,000 a month, tax free, depending on his disability rating.

He needn’t report or declare this income. What are the disabilities for which Joe Miller receives tax-free payments? A Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis should concern voters more than say, hearing loss.

Yet when asked, Joe Miller froze for a moment and then fled like a guilty child.

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SecretMuslin October 22, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Can erectile dysfunction be non-combat military related? If yes, then that's my guess.

sezme October 22, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Then how did he point to his wife?

Katydid October 22, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Um, with 9 kids? Maybe he takes Extenze… Is that what it's called?

Terry October 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm

To have kids, all they'd need was a turkey baster and the phone number for a sperm bank.

JMPEsq October 22, 2010 at 3:48 pm

Or a special friend for the wife.

horsedreamer_1 October 22, 2010 at 6:31 pm

John Redcorn cannot get enough of the white women.

Not_So_Much October 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Easy to determine: does he have two side-by-side bathtubs overlooking the coast?

Chet Kincaid October 22, 2010 at 4:30 pm

In Alaska, getting into such a tub could result in an erection that lasts until the spring thaw.

Steverino247 October 22, 2010 at 3:27 pm

It can be called "Loss of a creative organ" and yes, ED can be a problem. Say, you're hit by a truck during an exercise and the nerve damage interferes with proper function, yet you still have a penis…

HenHome October 22, 2010 at 5:37 pm

Electile disfunction

SimonGirty October 23, 2010 at 9:11 am
He maintained an exemplary supply of trucknutz and displayed high levels of proficiency in verifying purity of essence and conserving precious bodily fluids.

chicken_thief October 23, 2010 at 11:57 pm

For the 4 months covered by that eval…

Allmighty_Manos October 22, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Correspondent was last seen being hustled into a back of a van by large men wearing green fatigues. One witness said he looked "scared". If anyone has seen said person, please contact the Alaska Highway Patrol.

Tundra Grifter October 22, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Stay away from the Alaska Highway Patrol.

One "TrooperGate" in our lifetime is already one too many!

slappypaddy October 22, 2010 at 2:12 pm

cranio-rectal inversion is only considered a disability if it's a current condition caused by explosives.

Bunnie0Cock October 26, 2010 at 2:29 pm

during surgery for a prolapsed rectum, the army surgeon accidentally nicked the retinal nerve, now Joe Wayne has a shitty outlook on life.

OneDollarJuana October 22, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Hmmm. Sounds like panic disorder (need to leave instantly), Tourette's Syndrome (unexpected outburst directed at no-one in particular), hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating), incontinence (sudden and urgent need to leave), restless-leg syndrome (need to run away). Messed-up guy.

Radiotherapy October 22, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Sounds like hookworms to me.

LionelHutzEsq October 22, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Is Sadism still considered a disorder? 'Cause we know he likes to handcuff guys.

LionelHutzEsq October 22, 2010 at 2:14 pm

What part of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" do you not understand?

prochoicegrandma October 22, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Spot on, IMO.

SayItWithWookies October 22, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Clearly America needs to stop asking this man questions and let him carry on with his job of yelling at the bugs on his arms.

nonbeliever7 October 22, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Sounds like we'll have to learn how to correctly spell Lesa Mercowski for the next 6 years.

JMPEsq October 22, 2010 at 2:18 pm

At least it's pleasantly surprising that he ran off instead having the questioner beaten by his hired goons; er a, arrested by security.

Lascauxcaveman October 22, 2010 at 2:20 pm

So this welfare queen is probably getting military disability payments, as well.

So Republican of him. So Tea-Baggy.

freakishlywrong October 22, 2010 at 2:38 pm


not that Dewey October 22, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Without chemicals, he points. This is Alaska, right?

Extemporanus October 22, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Oh yeah…

Welcome to the Wonkette Cunt Brigade, Alaska Bill! And congrats on the byline and Palin-esque commitment to completing your job.

Radiotherapy October 22, 2010 at 2:24 pm

I can't ever remember actually rooting for a Republican, establishment or otherwise, but, Go, Lisa Murkyowsky, Go.

metamarcisf October 22, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Her correct name is Dr. Laura Murkowski. And she'll be a shoe-in as long as she refrains from racial epixxpts – epafatsxxx – ipecacsxxx…as long as she stays away from that naughty "N" word.

Guppy06 October 22, 2010 at 2:24 pm

One word: uniball.

Ken Layne October 22, 2010 at 2:25 pm

GAH, thanks WordPress for eating this entire post and then not allowing the editors to change it. We have, obviously, reconstructed the post from scratch. JOE MILLER'S GOONS ARE EVERYWHERE.

Extemporanus October 22, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Did you reconstruct the comments from scratch as well? Because two of mine are G-O-N-E, baby!

I'm serious — Joe Miller's goons (aka "Bill Scannell") just cold disappeared them…

elviouslyqueer October 22, 2010 at 2:31 pm

And after I had composed a truly witty retort, complete with all the bells and Wonkette dog-whistles including a stomach-churning description of Todd Palin and Lisa Murkowski bumping uglies. FINE.

*takes toys, contemplates going home*

JMPEsq October 22, 2010 at 3:02 pm

And now the original Sara's post above has the same issues. Did the Breitbart trolls break the Wonkette?

Boredw/Gravity October 22, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Yes, I had comments, relative, insightful comments that needed posting — but I was denied. Now all other Wonketteers are getting my well-deserved p-points. So Trucknutz to WordPress, such as.

Jukesgrrl October 22, 2010 at 6:57 pm

It's easy for Alaskans to sabotage the Internets because they have access to the maps of the tubez. Don't blame WordPress, Ken. You have to pay the First Dude his vig. Do you think those snow machines maintain themselves?

Terry October 22, 2010 at 2:25 pm

I say he shot himself in the foot in order to get sent home.

Katydid October 22, 2010 at 2:32 pm

I would say he keeps shooting himself in the foot too

elviouslyqueer October 22, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Was that before or after he managed to pry it out of his mouth?

Jukesgrrl October 22, 2010 at 6:58 pm

Michelle Malkin says he was shot by John Kerry.

Beowoof October 24, 2010 at 4:03 pm

He missed and shot himself in the left temple.

Lucidamente1 October 22, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Well, at least he didn't try to shield himself with a child, like Greg Stillson. Doh!

themcwow October 22, 2010 at 3:19 pm

or like Sarah Palin.

el_chupacabra October 22, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Don't do as i say i do, do as i say i said i did say i do. did is say i do that? i say i do as i did not that i'll say i did or do anything. look over there.

neiltheblaze October 22, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Does this mean disability payments aren't unconstitutional?

SexySmurf October 22, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Joe the Miller:

1. Has his own secret police.
2. Is on the government dole.
3. Loves him some East Germany.
4. Has a stupid looking beard.

Clearly he's a dirty Commie.

Bwinski October 23, 2010 at 1:36 pm

OR, he's working hard to be beck's new evening sidekick on teevee… THAT'S scary..

Bluestatelibel October 22, 2010 at 2:32 pm

All of them!

DaSandman October 22, 2010 at 2:33 pm

he has a teensy tiny little johnson to go with his teeny tiney little nutsack. Joe, you are a sniveling little hypocrite. Lets find out what he's hiding, eh?

Flat_Earther October 22, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Sucking on the government tit.. I assume he'll be addressing this question at his next press conference. What color were the drapes he picked out?

fuflans October 22, 2010 at 2:36 pm

did anyone hear the bbc piece w/guardian editor (?) and CA rabbi bagger who was trying to hook up with english defense league?

as ever, bagger opens mouth = bagger fail.

JustPixelz October 22, 2010 at 2:42 pm

He'll admit to anything but PTSD. So silence will tell us the story.

But when you think about it, doesn't everyone in America have PTSD from the Bush Eons?

real_dc_native October 22, 2010 at 9:15 pm

We do. Just some of us don't realize it (tea-baggers) and some of us won't admit it (politicians)

freakishlywrong October 22, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Oh Beardy Mc..Fascist, you're running for PUBLIC OFFICE, Mama Grizzly drug your ass outta the woods and anointed you. People will have questions. Man Up!

Gopherit October 22, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Oh my god. This man may have no dick. How can he represent Alaska?

CapnFatback October 22, 2010 at 2:50 pm

He'd be perfectly suited working as a representative for the EPA in ghost-ridden New York City in the mid-80s.

Terry October 22, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Don't cross the beams!

Beowoof October 24, 2010 at 4:05 pm

A dickless teabagger, now there is an image. Maybe he has prosthetic dick so he can still stand up to pee.

fuflans October 22, 2010 at 2:47 pm

bill scannell is wonkette's war correspondent.

ph7 October 22, 2010 at 2:57 pm

a.k.a Lara Logan's next baby daddy.

JMPEsq October 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Since he's young man with a beard, I'm guessing they asked and he told.

elpinche October 22, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Joe Miller was in a war? Was it one of those imaginary militia wars where you wear cammies from Academy, shoot watermelons, and drink beer from your friend's butt crack?

metamarcisf October 22, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Xenopolycythemia. And if you know of this condition, you know that nothing can be done.

weejee October 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Kabooms from firing da big gun in hiz Gulf War tank flat-assed killed his pre-conscious. Ol' Joe now has a straight un-filtered shot from his sub-conscious to his tongue and vocal chords. I don't think the hookworm conjecture applies here, but is our expert in the hours? Esteemed Mr. Owl, any input on this?

CapnFatback October 22, 2010 at 2:59 pm

PTSD-ensconced hobo beard gets him five cans of beans per ingrown hair.

NorthStarSpanx October 22, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Though dressing up like Klinger won't get Joe discharged from the Army anymore, Naughty Monkey shoe fetishist Joe Miller has gots to be insane in the membrane.

Frankly, a Personality Disorder would make him more agreeable than just being a Palin-lackey Douche-Bag.

MistaEko October 22, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Amateur. Learn from the master, Joe.

The correct way to deflect questions is "we've gotta GOOOOOOO …….. NOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Toomush_Infer October 22, 2010 at 3:09 pm

I've said it before – it's against the Alaska constitution to ask anyone what their name is, where they come from, or why do they get a government check….

Zvi_Bleindmeis October 22, 2010 at 3:14 pm

A Personality Disorder generally invalidates other psychiatric disabilities in the DOD system, I believe. It's probably the most apt diagnosis, but the least likely.

My guess is that he's either "disabled" for some humiliating condition — like something else psychiatric that would make him look like a pussy instead of a rugged Mr. Brawny lumberjack veteran — or it's just a high percentage of disability (100% disabled and unemployable!) that illustrates what a sham military pensions can be, especially for officers.

Terry October 22, 2010 at 3:32 pm

If it was something like a piece of schrapnel, he'd be talking about it non-stop.

Bunnie0Cock October 26, 2010 at 2:37 pm

fully agree, he would play it up big time. Unlike the illegal invasion of Iraq under Bush part two, it is unlikely to be a closed head injury or PTSD, could be a nasty rash from the bio agents the Iraqi army used on our soldiers or a bad acne rash that he covers up the the sketchy looking mini beard.

gurukalehuru October 22, 2010 at 3:16 pm

I believe this was the plot of "For Whom the Bell Tolls"

Limeylizzie October 22, 2010 at 7:03 pm

That was my first thought, so his cock was shot off in combat and Gene Tierney still loves him?

Jukesgrrl October 22, 2010 at 7:09 pm

You're thinking of The Sun Also Rises. The protagonist's manhood received a mysterious war wound, but he lived to make himself and others miserable. In For Whom the Bell Tolls, everybody dies. But who cares … they were commies.

GuyClinch October 22, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Given his reluctance to answer, I've got to go ahead and assume it's spontaneous lactation. He probably started leaking just as our correspondent approached… Come to think of it, maybe that's Angle's problem, too. Okay, that's gross. sorry.

elsie09 October 22, 2010 at 3:47 pm

truly LOL….

walstib October 22, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Come on everybody!

Can't you see that (s)he's a post-op tranny? Why else would he have that pseudo-beard thingy and be married to yet anther post-op tranny?

SarcasticNymph October 22, 2010 at 3:36 pm

Must be a shaving disability.

LionelHutzEsq October 22, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Where are the Swift Boaters when you actually need them?

loquacioustunes October 22, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Maybe there is no "service-connected disability." Maybe the Pentagon just found his profile on

MiniMencken October 22, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Dendrocolonic Obstruction. That's when you get a huge stick up your ass and you can't get it out.

prommie October 22, 2010 at 3:41 pm

If this don't just beat all, I don't know what would.

anniegetyourfun October 22, 2010 at 4:06 pm

What if he had converted to Islam, briefly, while serving in the military?

ifthethunderdontgetya October 23, 2010 at 12:35 am

And he told. Islamohomosocialism, just like the baggers warn us!

prochoicegrandma October 22, 2010 at 3:49 pm

The Devil is in the Details – you gotta see the details at Palingates!

I was very curious as to how & why Joe Miller got out of his 5 year commitment to the Army after serving only 3 years. He graduated from West Point Military Academy with a taxpayer funded college education. See my comments at Palingates…

prochoicegrandma October 22, 2010 at 7:49 pm

Oops, I meant to post this link:

XOhioan October 22, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Maybe he developed a Pilonidal cyst*


XOhioan October 22, 2010 at 4:14 pm

I didn't see this in previous Joe Miller question escape: he knocked down an 8-year old boy while doing so.

glamourdammerung October 22, 2010 at 6:34 pm

I really hope someone filmed it.

Also, in before "the kid was a democrap plant/speed bump".

notreelyhelping October 22, 2010 at 4:19 pm

Obviously, it wasn't Miller time.

themcwow October 22, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Boredw/Gravity October 22, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Does he now work in an ad agency in New York?

obfuscator2 October 22, 2010 at 4:32 pm

his real name was ronald raper.

Lost_Teabaggers October 22, 2010 at 4:34 pm

So let's recap: In 2002 we were treated to that obvious anti-American triple amputee Max Cleland being compared to Osama and Saddam by draft dodging hypocrit chickenhawk slavemaster-named Saxby the closeted. In 2004 we got to hear about John Kerry's medals all being phony and how he personally tortured Republican soldiers for the NVA. Now we're in 2010 and this bearded doucheball could conceivably be making up his entire disability status; will the MSM investigate? No, of course not! It's not news unless some Republican chickenhawk is slandering a Democratic disabled ex-serviceman or some amoral scummy butt buddy of Karl Rove is paying off morons to pass bullshit conspiracy theories made out of whole cloth by Lee Atwater's Dilbert look alike protege; that kind of slander requires no investigation whatsoever just like this bearded douchebag's possible phony claims warrants no investigation, either.

ShaveTheWhales October 22, 2010 at 5:23 pm

It's gotta be non-combat. If it were combat-related, he'd be trumpeting it to the heavens.

My first assumption was that it's psychological, because even a non-combat physical injury would be good press. But then it occurred to me that it could be a physical injury (1) caused by some kind of stupid behavior on his part; or (2) something which isn't actually all that, you know, disabling. Case (1) would be embarrassing, and case (2) could even lead to a review of his disability status.

I still lean towards psych.

Anyhow, what fun — a tear-down-the-gubmint asshole whose entire adult life has been almost 100% supported by the gubmint.

catchtheflava October 22, 2010 at 5:27 pm

He probably has tinnitus. Impossible for a health practitioner to determine the validity of his claims, easily attributed to training and combat (he was an Armor officer, lots of noise). But fo' real, people need to hammer him on all the money he is sucking out of the Dept of Defense. And then we need to use that as a bridge to talk about cutting the Defense budget. Why is the government willing to pay $1 million/person to deploy troops to strategically pointless nations like Iraq and Afghanistan, and yet there are crumbling schools without books? It raises valuable questions about our national priorities.

I think Matt Taibbi summed it up when he wrote in his Rolling Stone piece on the Tea Party: "These people are full of shit."

transfatz October 24, 2010 at 11:19 pm

Crumbling schools without books = Teabagger petri dishes.

Tyroanee October 22, 2010 at 5:51 pm

I had no idea verbal diarrhea was covered in a discharge…

transfatz October 24, 2010 at 11:28 pm

A Joe Miller discharge is way beyond the ability of any panty liner to handle. Run from the room and see your doctor immediately.

Ben_Fairbanks October 22, 2010 at 5:52 pm

I emailed this story to the reporter at the Fairbanks Daily News Miner who has been covering Ol' Bootstrppy Joe's antics. Let's see what happens…

aaaprogressive October 22, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Joe Miller gets a Hannity Job, tries to explain why reporter was cuffed with bogus 'men's room' lie

Don’t Let Sarah Palin Dictate the Future of NPR

kittylittr October 22, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Are we sure this isn't a mockumentary directed by David Lynch? Will there be dwarves soon?

Jukesgrrl October 22, 2010 at 7:15 pm

Who's playing the Log Lady?

OhNoGuy October 22, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Are your eyes goin' bad. This is all dwarf, all the time.

transfatz October 24, 2010 at 8:26 pm

He wants his garmenbozia back.

donner_froh October 22, 2010 at 7:16 pm

30% or more disabled–hell you don't have to be a doctor to tell Joe Miller a LOT more fucked up than 30%.

Whatever happened to him–and wherever it happened, most likely having nothing to do with serving in the military–left him so imbecilic that he can't answer simple questions.

Dr_pangloss October 22, 2010 at 11:17 pm

Fuck I have Gulf War related PTSD and hearing loss, where the fuck in my four grand a month tax free? Oh right I'm a Liberal who thinks that you shouldn't milk the government for every dollar.

barkingspiders October 23, 2010 at 12:01 am

This guy should always be framed in black and white with a day old stubble. He is such a throwback to the most primitive part of the subconscious. That he has managed to breed like a wharf rat should be cause for concern though!

wok3 October 23, 2010 at 4:32 am

Next time Miller should really try a diversionary tactic to escape questions, because just running away seems so … well, I guess it does fit his personality. Wait – That's his disability, excessive cowardice!

SimonGirty October 23, 2010 at 8:54 am

Combat-induced generalized dissociative amnesia… would be my excuse too. The Dick Act of 1903 socialized the militia, so if you want to hire cranked-up skinhead thugs to silence opposition, you want the plausible deniability to fuck with your "Purity of Essence." Or some damn thing?

jaegermeister October 23, 2010 at 11:44 am

So being a pussy is a disability?

Anthr_DCLwyr3d October 23, 2010 at 1:09 pm

30% homo.

Glacierworm October 23, 2010 at 2:43 pm

This kind of misleading post plays right into Miller and the tea party's hands.

Here's why. This guy is a liberal, a vet, and an alaskan:….

Beowoof October 24, 2010 at 4:11 pm

How many right wingers collect for chronic douche baggery as a disability. Joe is one, but there are many others I am sure.

transfatz October 24, 2010 at 9:57 pm

I heard an NPR interview with a Teabag spokeswoman who described herself as a single stay-at-home-mother. The interviewer completely missed it.

transfatz October 24, 2010 at 8:26 pm


SaucyJAK October 25, 2010 at 2:33 am

I had to sign up just to tell you guys without a doubt some of the funniest posts I have ever read. Carry on.

soujing October 28, 2010 at 8:34 am


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