iPhones Are Poisoning Our Babies!

"You must weigh in on this whole IPHONE BABY thing, as I know in my heart that you've read all this stuff, and have Concerns (or No Concerns)," wrote Editor Ken, which was completely untrue: Your former morning editor had not read this thing, because she was too busylooking after an actual baby.

There's a whole world of things that parents are supposed to know about, like Boppies, Elmo, pertussis, the fact that day care is referred to as "school," the fact that pacifiers are called "binkies," and also, apparently, that iPhones are like sweet heroin for babies. It had honestly not occurred to your former morning editor to keep her kid occupied with something so expensive.

So this is the final verdict on tiny children using iPhones: Jesus fucking Christ. A human baby can amuse itself with a bottle of beer, or a rock, or any sharp object you happen to have on hand. You don't need to hand it a dangerous implement like an iPhone.

As for Concerns, really the only Concern is that children reared by iPhones will become fat sacks of trash who can't stand up from the toilet without getting winded, but that's probably just our fate as a Nation.

Ha ha ha you are all so terribly bored, you people without one-year-olds, with your disposable incomes and your interest in politics. Speaking of!

• Did you laugh and laugh so hard at this column where the important economist threatened not to write any more wonderfulNew York Timescolumns, because of taxes?

• Did you also laugh when Jack Conway totally kicked Rand Paul in the balls, and were you completely unsurprised when Rand Paul bitched like a little bitch about how unfair that was?

• Also, since this is a POLITICS BLOG, let's put to rest that absurd assertion that The Situation is a real person with a soul. He was so mean to that blonde girl, making her wait in his room while he ate! And then he went and (probably?) fucked her, and then immediately sent her home, which is not classy at all.

• Also also, UGH GROSS WILLIAM SALETAN, would you stop it with the typing about anal sex, as some of us would rather watch John McCain masturbating toThe Bridge on the River Kwai?

Sara K. Smith only watches C-SPAN with her baby, who cries every time the camera cuts away from Brian Lamb.