iPhones Are Poisoning Our Babies!

  obama babies

Sara K. Smith, she lives!“You must weigh in on this whole IPHONE BABY thing, as I know in my heart that you’ve read all this stuff, and have Concerns (or No Concerns),” wrote Editor Ken, which was completely untrue: Your former morning editor had not read this thing, because she was too busy looking after an actual baby.

There’s a whole world of things that parents are supposed to know about, like Boppies, Elmo, pertussis, the fact that day care is referred to as “school,” the fact that pacifiers are called “binkies,” and also, apparently, that iPhones are like sweet heroin for babies. It had honestly not occurred to your former morning editor to keep her kid occupied with something so expensive.

So this is the final verdict on tiny children using iPhones: Jesus fucking Christ. A human baby can amuse itself with a bottle of beer, or a rock, or any sharp object you happen to have on hand. You don’t need to hand it a dangerous implement like an iPhone.

As for Concerns, really the only Concern is that children reared by iPhones will become fat sacks of trash who can’t stand up from the toilet without getting winded, but that’s probably just our fate as a Nation.

Ha ha ha you are all so terribly bored, you people without one-year-olds, with your disposable incomes and your interest in politics. Speaking of!

  • Did you laugh and laugh so hard at this column where the important economist threatened not to write any more wonderful New York Times columns, because of taxes?
  • Did you also laugh when Jack Conway totally kicked Rand Paul in the balls, and were you completely unsurprised when Rand Paul bitched like a little bitch about how unfair that was?
  • Also, since this is a POLITICS BLOG, let’s put to rest that absurd assertion that The Situation is a real person with a soul. He was so mean to that blonde girl, making her wait in his room while he ate! And then he went and (probably?) fucked her, and then immediately sent her home, which is not classy at all.
  • Also also, UGH GROSS WILLIAM SALETAN, would you stop it with the typing about anal sex, as some of us would rather watch John McCain masturbating to The Bridge on the River Kwai?

Sara K. Smith only watches C-SPAN with her baby, who cries every time the camera cuts away from Brian Lamb.

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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89 comments

  1. edgydrifter

    McCain probably faps to "The Bridge at Andau" because of that whole freaky shattered-glass-rod-up-the-penis torture pron thing.

    1. deelzebub

      He faps to the Lost pilot; he's sexually attracted to plane crashes. Remember all those planes he junked in the Navy? Those weren't accidents.

      1. natoslug

        You sick, sick bastard. Please don't ever stop. Your comments make it worth logging back on after two days away from the computer.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I have kids, and I hope to have an iPhone someday.

      If I ever get one, I'm going to have my kids show me how to use it.

      1. Katydid

        Too true.

        What I want to know is how kids type so damned fast on cell phones. They type faster than I can think. When I text with my daughter, it seems as if her replies come back almost as soon as I hit "send." But ask her to slice a carrot when I'm making dinner, and her nimble fingers go into spasm. "Can't hold knife…."

        Gah, these damned kids today. I feel so old now. I'm gonna go take a sitz bath.

  2. Jukesgrrl

    Now we know why the Child Welfare Communists nationwide are stealing the babby's!!!1! They come with iPhones.

    1. PsycWench

      And there was automatic audio too (I'm sure there's some fancy name for that but I'm not enough of a nerd to know it). That shit is the work of the devil.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I make it point never to bitch about ads on Wonkette; in fact, I often vigorously defend our Wonkette o'erlords right to get paid.

          But that shit is blurting its twaddle over Maria Callas, Sonny Rollins and Bob Dylan here. It's rude to interrupt, Walmart ad.

          (As if I could hate Walmart more.)

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Ok…now here's a WTF…as I was typing a response to another response, I heard a vacuum cleaner…which is odd since I'm the only one in the office. It was an ad for a vacuum and a rapper.

        Man, that sucks.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    If my experience with cats is anything to go by, children will disdain the expensive toys and instead amuse themselves for hours with a wadded-up piece of paper. Also they will play with crickets mercilessly before eating part of them and then leaving the legs on the hall floor for you to clean up after.

    1. Doglessliberal

      My cat lately has been the Might Hunter of Stinkbugs, which often results in their being half-dead stinkbugs all over the interior of my house.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        The part Siamese stray we took in lives in my husband's fancy wood shop, because she hates everyone but him. Not that she's a fat ass, or anything, but we were gone for a couple of days and when we returned, he saw mouse crap on one his work tables. She's too fat and lazy to be bothered.

    2. deelzebub

      My baby loved chasing crickets; little Steve McQueen-like bastards were always escaping the gecko cage.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        So…when you caught them, did make them go to the "cooler" (ie: Gecko's stomach). Speaking of Gecko…is he as charming in real life as he is on the ads?

        1. deelzebub

          Yes to the cooler, no to the charming gecko. His accent is more Jersey Shore in real life, so disappointing..

    3. CapeClod

      Also, if you own the last example of pre-war Dresden china, your cat will find it and smash it for the purpose of mildly amusing themselves for a few seconds.

  4. taylormattd

    Yay. God I miss me some SKS.

    Also, what ever happened to poisoning our babies with cheap go-phones? Why do we now need a data plan for poisoning?

  5. freakishlywrong

    Wonkette smells like baby when SKS posts. (I love the smell of babies). (Except for the poo).

  6. Sepatown!

    But if I don't use that Skinner Box app I will have just wasted my money. If my baby drinks her bottle on-time, she get's to hear Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and I am now mayor of Diaperville.

  7. Terry

    Sarah, in my grandmother's day, they'd give babies a piece of uncooked bacon to chew on. It kept them busy and gave the Moms time to get work done. Just a thought! ;)

  8. savethispatient

    Since when in day-care called school? It's bad enough you 'merkins call university school, but now daycare too? It's enough to send a Brit to drink.

    1. JMPEsq

      Since upper-middle-class parents got all pretentious; there's a daycare center in my building that calls itself the Such-and-such Academy, with a name and seal that looks like it belongs to some private New England boarding school.

      1. HistoriCat

        I thought it was a way to assuage working mom guilt about having to put your still-in-diapers child into day care.

    2. slappypaddy

      we'll call anything school, since we don't know what the word means. we think it's short for "it's cool," which is our way of saying "we don't want to give a fuck because we are devoid of all critical capacities and completely stunned by sugar, fat, and lies."

  9. Bluestatelibel

    Holy shit, a Harvard professor MAY NOT WORK as much because he may have to pay 3% more in taxes, he will be in my prayers…

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I'm waiting for the hedge fund manager to threaten to quit and go live in a refrigerator box if he has to pay higher taxes. As if any rich fuckers actually pay taxes. That's why god made tax attorneys.

    2. Moonbat

      Worse than that! It's only 3% more on that part of his income that falls into the top tax bracket. The horror… the horror…

  10. marinmaven

    Teletubbies work like a charm of humans of any age – very hypnotic. No hallucinogens needed.
    Was snarky as hell about Barney — even had a screensaver with Barney being shot mid song through the stomach. Nothing like being a mother with a small child to change my tune. Barney let me shower. Barney saved a long road trip with a 2.5 year old. Motherhood is not for sissies. Around 1.5 years they learn to verbally communicate so you are not going through a mental roulette wheel of baby needs to diagnose crying. It keeps getting better and funnier. Be sure to take advantage of this period before they become sullen, distrustful, hormone-ridden teens.
    Better stop before I start sounding like Erma Bombeck. The End.

    1. slappypaddy

      wait till the child is six. that is the perfect age. after it passes, you will wish it has gone on forever, and you will cherish it till the end of your days.

      1. marinmaven

        I know! Mine is 6 1/2 and it is the perfect age. First Grade. He is very proud of making fart sounds with his armpit and leg pit, and take on the world.

    2. Katydid

      I had nothing but disdain…nay, hatred…for Barney, until my daughter was about 2, and I couldn't get anything done around the house, like showering, or making dinner. She would stand in front of the TV, mesmerized, long enough for me to cook us some food. While I still hated the sound in the background, at least I could move around the house.

      My favorite age was 18 months, when they are just like little sponges, and they can't walk, they can only run, they're so excited about everything. They're hilarious. Six was fun too…Mine is now 17. NOT fun most of the time. Sigh.

  11. Gopherit

    Sara, you missed the bright side. Using an iPad/iPhone/whatever, a baby can up your wonkette page views by a bazillion if you set the browser on the right page. That's a baby…..momma needs to pay for the vodka.

  12. imissopus

    I had seen that NYT editorial and yes I did crack up. His examples are so awesome. No actor on planet Earth has ever turned down a big paycheck in a movie because he was upset about how much he'd have to pay in taxes. No novelist has ever written a book and not wanted to publish it because of taxes. Greg Mankiw is obviously a whiny and selfish jackass. It's the same kind of "going Galt" bullshit whining we keep hearing from business leaders and bankers and mortgage lenders–waaaaaa, we're being demonized and taxed for our hard work so we're not going to hire people or lend any money and we're going to hold our breath until everyone starts being nicer to us or we turn blue, whichever comes first. There's just no sense of civic pride or social responsibility anymore, it's truly pathetic.

    No surprise infants love iPhones, since they have the same mental maturity as the people discussed in the preceding paragraph.

    </rant>

    1. Bluestatelibel

      Yeah, screw all those people who lost jobs, homes, and health care because of the inept and greedy ruling class, little Greg Mankiw's spoiled brats might get a couple of thousand less one day, so he's going to hold his breath, and not give any more worthless speeches. God, the selfish and stupidty of his ilk just boggle the mind.

    2. binarian

      'zactly. Sticking with his example, if "some editor" wants him to write an article in "some publication" other than the NYTimes, he'd simply charge more for his services, not moan about how meager $1000 is for his 30 minutes of time. And btw, what the fuck is wrong with $523 for writing an article? Fuck you.

    3. JMPEsq

      Please go Galt, business executives; without their bloated salaries someone could easily move in, do their job for a reasonable amount, and start paying the people who do the actual work a decent wage.

    4. Not_So_Much

      Anyone who starts a para with "As a professor at Harvard and the author of some popular textbooks…" is clearly a self-absorbed douchenozzle. He obviously has soooo much fucking cash that this is just academic for him and he only took a break from wiping his ass with Benjamins to make an important, smart guy, point.

      Go eat a turd sandwich, tool.

    5. Lascauxcaveman

      No! You're wrong! It's A TRUE FACT that millionaire rock star George Harrison and his group QUIT WORKING right after they recorded the protest song "Taxman," since having to pay high taxes made it NOT WORTH working anymore.

      This is why there are Beatles records after 1963.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Sandman is a much better song, anyway.

        (Taxman + Enter Sandman = Perfect. I seriously want Mariano Rivera to change his entrance music. Beatallica takes the Bronx!)

    6. ShaveTheWhales

      And his whole extended example is based on a single set of assumptions about the next thirty years of the economy.

      And his initial comparison is between the $569 (or whatevs) he'd net with the Bush tax cuts removed, and the $1000 he'd net if there was no income tax at all. Talk about dishonest rhetoric. In reality, the expiration of the Bush tax cuts would cost him about $40 in net present income. If that dissuades him from taking on an additional lecture, he obviously has enough money already.

    7. Trinket

      Wait. Was that guy's argument really summed up by his essentially saying "If you tax rich, rich me, YOU will suffer because I'll produce less wonderfulness for you to consume?"

      That might be a compelling argument if he were producing anything valuable. But he'd still be a douche.

    8. slappypaddy

      i can help him hold his breath and turn blue, if he can't do it for himself.

      (i must sedate myself this weekend, my homicidal maniac within is rattling about his mind-cage.)

  13. joobajooba

    So isn't that the point? If Mankiw doesn't take the extra $1,000 writing because he might be in a high tax bracket — even if he wants to make sure his KIDS' KIDS don't have to pay their own way through college — maybe some poor schmuck, trying to make $1,000 to pay back the student loans he ran up because his parents didn't have a lot of money, just might take the job instead. But that would be socialism.

      1. deelzebub

        My kid's first word went in order: uh-oh, mama, dada, wheels, car, nana, papa,milk, cracker, no, douchebag. I blame his father.

  14. Radiotherapy

    But what about ipads? Rugrats love playing with them things.
    Also, Sara, you let your kid watch teevee? Be. Very. Careful. Next thing you know, he'll be spelling your name with a "H" on the end.

  15. Preferred Customer

    I do not have a 1 year old, but I did once, and god help me in a little over a year I will again. It is true what you say about beer bottles! Though please do not tell Child Protective Services that I know this.

    However, as the kids grow, the simple toys lose appeal. This is where the Electronic Babysitter becomes very valuable, because it allows you to do things like read Wonkette instead of answering 100 million questions from your four year old about why the couch is black and the floor is brown. Also, as expensive as the Electronic Babysitter is, it is cheaper than an actual babysitter, even one without papers.

    It used to be that the TV was a sufficient Electronic Babysitter, and it still does yeoman's work in the home. But, when out and about, a TV is dreadfully heavy and large. An iPhone, on the other hand, is small and portable.

    You disdain it now, but like fried cheese you will come to love it once you try it.

  16. PsycWench

    The wild speculation in Harvard guy's article ( suppose he's paid so much…suppose the interest rate is so much…suppose the estate tax is so much…) and the "revelation" that he's supposedly only looking out for his kids made so much more sense when I saw that part of the byline "advisor to President George W. Bush".

  17. marinmaven

    Oh those "precious" Galtians. Ever since Obama won the election, you would hear these guys threaten to go Galt. I call and have called their bluff. Please deny us your precious "talent" of trolling the Internet in your mother's basement. Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

  18. Neoyorquino

    Smart phones are the red LED watches of the millenium. ("Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea." ).

  19. Fuck Toad

    Is William Saletan a virgin or something? Because he writes about just regular ol' sex like he's covering something as abstract and alien to him as lesbian knife-play enthusiasts, who are also Martian.

    Still not as bad as his stuff on abortion, though. I actually think he just doesn't understand the concept of other people being human beings.

    1. dr_giraud

      Saletan's genuine life-like doll didn't react when he touched its poop hole, thus he concluded that this must be true of "real" women, too.

      Really, he should avoid writing about women at all. He's like a medieval monk theorizing about "witches."

  20. mrblifil

    Re: iPhone's and small children – some people equate computer use, or even facility with a computer as "smart." Then they factor in the notion that Wonketeers are savvy enough to successfully post on a blog using some type of machine attached to a thingy attached to a chip or some such, and are quickly disabused of such an idea.

    What am I saying? That the Wonkett is the only hope for the children. Thank you.

  21. Krugmanic Depressive

    Lost in this kerfuffle about iBabies is Sara's endorsement of Conway's AquaBuddhattack. She is, perhaps, the only commentator in this once-great nation who remembers that politics is not beanbag. (It is a valuable fucking thing.)

  22. mumbly_joe

    Hahaha, that fucking guy, Greg Mankiw. I'm not sure what's richer in that piece: the part where he complained about a tax increase on his marginal income above $250,000 creating such a strong disincentive towards amassing an estate of $2,010,000 in unrealized capital gains that he simply won't do it, while also suggesting that this would help the economy but conveniently forgetting to mention the part where he's obviously talking about a marginal thousand on an estate of over $2 million, or the the part where he used phrases like "income redistribution" and referred to his own "mercenary" attitude towards work, in a piece where he attempts to argue that most of the tax burden should be dumped on the poor, because they don't get to fucking choose whether to work or not, if they like to eat.

    I swear to God, I somehow managed to graduate from a very Lefty college without becoming a Marxist, but every fucking time one of these assholes open their mouths and whine about only having enough to own several houses and live off the interest on their wealth for the rest of their lives without lifting another finger, and also pass most of their vast holdings onto their children, so clearly we should just starve the working poor a bit harder instead, I wonder if there maybe he wasn't on to something after all.

    Also, did Mankiw seriously threaten to stop writing terrible, misleading opinion pieces on how his tax burden shouldn't be increase, if his tax burden increases? Because honestly, that's an offer I'd be willing to take him up on: this one is not actually a willing consumer of his "services".

  23. donner_froh

    N. Gregory Mankiw, Harvard Economist (he manages to mention Harvard in damn near every paragraph of his op-ed) claims that he might "work" less–write fewer op-eds, give fewer guest lectures, advise fewer war-mongering presidents–if his taxes go up ONE CENT.

    I think the Republic might survive if that happens.

  24. tribbzthesquidz

    I'm so happy to still not have any fucking idea who/what "The Situation" is/does. Not a clue.

  25. sezme

    Isn't there some sort of Baby App you could buy for your iPhone? Wouldn't that be easier than raising an actual child? I mean I had one and raised it, but that was before the iPhone.

    1. natoslug

      They're working on it. Unfortunately, the projectile vomit dispenser requires an upgrade and seriously degrades the battery life.

  26. coldwarmakeshot

    I find that the Evil Genius prefers my Android. But in a pinch, she will entertain herself by tearing up the cheap linoleum tiles the previous hillbilly owner of my house installed on my kitchen floor. She enjoys eating the pieces and then regurgitating them.

    SKS – if you bring your baby to the rally, I promise to bring mine and they can have a playdate.

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