it's morning in america

American Voters Demand Traditional White/Hopeless Stasis

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We demand an awful WHITE President. And this time from Yale, not Harvard ew.

  • A majority of voters in “key battleground states” (continental United States, Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico and Afghanistan) say Barack Obama hasn’t changed a single thing in Washington, and if Obama did change something he probably changed it into horrible Socialism. Good gravy, basically everything Obama touches turns into poo/taxes. Is this what America really believes? Yes, according to some poll! This so-called poll also shows that a majority of “battleground voters” think they are voting to impeach Obama/elect Skoalrebel president in November. They are going to be so confused when they see Barack Obama and a whole bunch of crazy Aqua Racist Masturbation Nazi Witch Buddhists hanging out together, in Washington. [The Hill]
  • Lawyers representing the federal government, the state of Alaska and oil barons are not excited about polar bears being placed on the endangered species list. But will these nature-loving lawyers be able to defeat the polar bear hippies in court? [McClatchy]
  • French people are still extremely uncool with raising the “early retirement” age by two years: “Protesters blockaded Marseille’s airport, truckers tied up highways and Lady Gaga canceled concerts in Paris ahead of a tense Senate vote Thursday on raising the retirement age.” Gaga! Oh la vache! [AP]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Actually, a poo tax doesn't sound half bad.

    • PsycWench

      I disagree; it will only lead to black market poo.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Mr. President, we must put an end to this long and costly War on Poo.

        • Mindblank

          Run by a Poo Czar, of course.

    • CapnFatback

      Genius! They can call it the Pooty Duty!

      • Ruhe

        My old girlfriend meant something entirely different when she talked about pooty.

        • CapnFatback

          Fine, then, the Privy Levy. I bought a whole stack of these at the dollar store.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Careful now, that name is Pooty™ .

          Also, probably not what your girlfriend was referring to.

    • not that Dewey

      Read my lips: no new…oh.

    • PhilippePetain

      We might actually be able to get some revenue out of the South that way at least, what with all of the fried food, dumps, etc.

    • Rarian Rakista

      In my old hometown a family of fat asses — imagine everyone over the age of 15 being 300lbs+ — had their sewer line burst in the middle of winter, it was a like a magical putrid poo fountain on the side of the street, when spring came along, you could still smell it. The newspaper article about the incident said that they had to unclog 40 feet of fat from the sewer pipe, which means they had accumulated at least ~3000 cubic inches of that stuff just from their house.

      Only time I went over there was when my father order me to help them install a satellite dish on the roof, Seeing their kitchen, it all made sense, on the island there was a 3 feet foot tall stack of Debbie snack cakes surrounded by dozens of bags of potato/corn chips. The top of their fridge had a dozen 3-liters of orange/grape/lemon-lime soda. Their oversized fridge was filled from top to bottom with processed meats and cheese.

      The creepy daughter in the span of a single afternoon tried to feed me; a pastrami sandwich the size of my head with half a bag of Doritos, chocolate chip cookies and milk, bagel-pizzas, BBQ chicken, a quasedila and copious amounts of orange soda. When I asked for water, they said they would have to go out for it, when I explained tap water, they looked at me like I had insulted their god.

      I think a poo tax is a fine idea.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Ugh, now I need a salad. My stomach roils just reading that.

      • Negropolis

        That sounds like an honest-to-goodness Stephen King novel, right there. The only thing that could have made it creepy is if you'd seen — out of the corner of your eye, of course — whole, frozen, unplucked chickens sticking out of the freezer or some crazy shit like that.

  • HurricaneAli

    Why can't we be all screamy like the frogs? At least they know what the fuck to be screamy about. Oh, and Lady Gaga. Trucknutz.

  • x111e7thst

    Gotta love the lycéens. Why can't America's youth… fuck, it's all too depressing.

  • binarian


    • Monsieur_Grumpe


      • binarian


  • BaldarTFlagass

    The polar bears will be fine once we finish co-opting them into living in a modern consumer society. Getting them to drink Coca-Cola was an important first step, just like it has been throughout the rest of the world.

    • Terry

      Maybe they can teach singing lessons to support themselves, too.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        ♪ ♫ I'd like to buy the world a Coke ♫ ♪

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I know what happened to the change. All those selfish bastards proclaimed "I'll keep my guns, freedom & money. You can keep the change." So Obama said "OK, fuck you, I will keep the fucking change." And so he did, and so we are without change.

  • slappypaddy

    the existence of "key battleground states" implies the existence of battleground states no one gives a shit about (hence, they cannot be poo-taxed). let us weep a salty tear or two for those states wherein the weary voters are gouging each others' eyes out yet no one is taking notice.

    okay, you nancys, that's enough crying, time to get back to work. what! no jobs? well, there are piles of garbage to be sorted, maybe something of value (a gold watch? a gilt-edged security?) will turn up.

    get to it! your socialist fascist hawaiian kenyan liberal overseers have no tolerance for whiners. to the fema camps and death panels with you if you do not comply.

  • neiltheblaze

    63% polled think that polls are complete bullshit.

    • Pop_Socket

      82% of statistics are just made up on the spot.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Unless they are FOX News statistics, then it's more like 123%.

  • Canmon

    I don't want to stereotype, but some extremist polar bears have killed people. If I was on a plane and I saw one walking done the aisle, I would secretly be hoping that it didn't sit in the open seat beside me. I hope that doesn't make me an awful person.

    • PsycWench

      Well, hope away, but don't think you can apologize for being a speciesist or whatever animal rights call those people. Because NOT ALL POLAR BEARS ARE LIKE THAT.

      Oh wait…they are? never mind. carry on.

      • CapnFatback

        This one sure is.

      • Ruhe

        Canmon probably wants to be cautious and not lump all polar bears in together as plane stalking terrorists. But me, I'm done being cautious.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Meh. Your polar bears are a bunch of whiny titty babies next to the KILLER MOUNTAIN GOATS that live a mile or two up the mountain from me.

  • gurukalehuru

    As the climate turns from arctic to merely drizzly
    sometimes the Polar Bear's fate is a little grizzly

    • donner_froh

      Very Ogden Nash-ish.

  • donner_froh

    It would be nice to ask the polar bears whether they felt endangered, threatened or just a little anxious but they keep eating those sent to question them.

  • charlesdegoal

    No jobs, no trains, no gas, maybe the end is near: "D'affreux bourgeois qui ne comprennent pas que si la monarchie est condamnée, il vaut mieux qu'elle meure en combattant, roulée dans son drapeau, plutôt que de finir dans un fauteuil de [Lady] gaga poussé par quelque Parlement."

    • JackDempsey1


      • BaldarTFlagass yields:

        "Horrible citizens who do not understand that if the monarchy is doomed, it is better to die fighting it, wrapped in the flag, instead of ending up in a chair [Lady] Gaga pushed by some Parliament."

        A little weird there at the end, but I must say that these translation sites have gotten a lot better since the days of the old AltaVista Babel Fish.

    • phaVoom

      Lady Gaga's going to roll herself in drapes and rent her pussy to parliament?

      • elviouslyqueer

        This is good news for Carla Bruni, n'est-ce pas?

      • Rarian Rakista

        God Bless France.

  • freakishlywrong

    God I loathe The Hill. They poll old, retired, white people with land lines, (see Kool Ade lady above), and the 90% of idiots who didn't know there was the largest middle class tax cut in history of U.S of Dumbmerica in the Recovery Act. . We can no longer call it "stimulus" because the librul media has managed to demonize that word as well. I weep for this stupid country.

    • Sgt_Biyatch

      This country has survived waves of idiocy before. We just have to sequester ourselves for a few more years until the moran Teabaggers lose interest in politics, go back to NASCAR and watching "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" reruns. And then we can go through this all over again when we elect our first gay president.

  • catchtheflava

    I was under the mistaken impression that the American electorate was full of adults who accepted that large scale, sweeping change was difficult in the face of the immense challenges posed by the new century, and were willing to grant an intelligent guy with an impressive resume a little extra time to get it all done. Now that I know that it is a bunch of sulky 12 year olds who are disappointed that Dad brought home the store brand fruit snacks instead of the ones that the new exchange student from Canada has and now they are going to HATE HIM FOREVER AND STAY IN THEIR ROOM UNTIL THEY DIE….

    I will lower my expectations accordingly.

    • GOPCrusher

      12 year old is still too high. Try two year olds.

  • SilverFox

    The year in American politics summed up perfectly in your alt-text, Riley. Kudos.

  • chascates

    A provision of the stimulus bill had cut taxes for 95 percent of working families by changing withholding rates. In a New York Times/CBS News Poll last month, fewer than one in 10 respondents knew that the Obama administration had lowered taxes for most Americans. Half of those polled said they thought that their taxes had stayed the same, a third thought that their taxes had gone up, and about a tenth said they did not know.

    Ignorance is the right's greatest weapon and they have an unlimited supply of it.

    • vulpes82

      Forget solar panels, all we need to replace oil is a way to harness the boundless ignorance of the American public. Get on it, science nerds!

    • mumbly_joe

      It's sort of the catch-22, honestly: if people know that their taxes are being cut -say, if someone just announces this loudly and sends them a check- then they are much more likely to save it, which doesn't help stimulate the economy, just as, if you give a bigger check to richer people, they are more likely to save it, since "food" and "rent" aren't 80% of their budget. Most sane economists understand this, and acknowledge that only "unexpected" tax cuts are reasonably stimulative.

      On the other hand, though, if you don't announce this loudly and cut everyone a check, you don't really get any credit for your tax cuts, either. In that sense, Dubya, whatever his other intellectual failings, was rather sharp, politically: he got a lot of credit for his stimulus, and for cutting taxes, even though he presided over the first economic boom in US History where median incomes went down. He just cold didn't give a fuck, as long as he got his accolades and reelection victory.

      Mission Accomplished, motherfuckers!

  • elpinche

    You know you're a in "battle ground" state when you see a conjoined KFC/Taco bell on every block.

    • elviouslyqueer

      By your fatties, you shall know them.

    • Ruhe

      Irony? Despite the inescapably obvious failings of the Bush years (as concisely outlined by Mumbly Joe above) the majority polled wants to go back in time to relive those glory days. They want, that is, to double down.

      • HistoriCat

        As H.L. Mencken said "Democracy is the theory that people know what they want and deserver to get it – good and hard." If anything, I think Mencken was being too kind.

    • GOPCrusher

      Sadly, the Quiznos in town closed, but the conjoined KFC/Taco Bell across the parking lot is still open.

  • donner_froh

    American voter, 2010 sez: "I voted for the colored guy two years ago and all he did was save me from a collapse into the most hellish economic depression of all time, create health care reform to allow my fat ass to be insured no matter how many heart attacks I have brought on by Cheeto piggery and set a real basis for ending the otherwise endless war in the Mideast.

    No way I'm making that mistake again.

    Palin/Fuckwit in 2012!

    • FlownOver

      Sorry, you can't have the same person run for both offices at once.

  • weejee

    Did they include polar bears in the Alaska battleground poll? What about their brown and black cousins? I think not, and QED the poll results are unbearable.

    • mumbly_joe

      To be fair, the black and brown bears are probably furinners, and therefore inelligable to vote.

      • trondant

        There's a joke about Yogi and Boo-Boo passing a literacy test in here somewhere, but honestly? The tea-baggers almost make me wish they still did that at the voting booth. Which is horrible.

        Instead, I suggest Voight-Kampff tests for all voters.

        • mumbly_joe

          Honestly, I've yelled at people who have suggested literacy/civics tests either ignorant of that history or indifferent to it. When I'm not yelling, I usually say that if you're really keen on something like that, a much better thought would be a civics test for all candidates.

          But honestly, just as long as there's no grandfather claws.

  • BarryOPotter

    Attention, sales connards de mes deux (That's French for "Americans"): the frogs are upset NOT because of the increase from 60 to 62, but because of the other part of the proposed reform that raises the retirement age from 60 to the range of 65-67. I'm seeing the 62 bit reported in various American news outlets. Lemmings.

    Are all your journalists this fucking lazy? Casse-toi, sale pédé ou je te casse les bons bons! (Translation: "Bye America!")

    • FlownOver


  • Chet Kincaid

    There are super-conducting super-colliders of Ignorance from coast to coast. They are called NASCAR tracks.

  • CapeClod

    Over half the electorate are basically monkeys with car keys so this poll isn't really that surprising.

    • weejee

      Such an optimist!

  • HistoriCat

    "Voting to impeach …" I blame California (because, why not). Impeachment is not just a fancy term for recall and no, you can't have Ahnold become president then. Really, these people seem to think you can impeach a president just because you don't like him.

    Wonder where they got that idea from? Thanks Newt – you slimy shit-stain.

  • Chet Kincaid

    Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Our Suck.

  • liujinyu

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  • Mindblank

    I've always thought that the success of Democracy depends on an educated electorate. Hello? Echo…echo…echo… Oh, hi, Thomas Jefferson. 'sup?

  • MistaEko

    OBAMA HAS FAILED TO CHANGE WASHINGTON. THAT IS BECAUSE HE IS NO POST PARTISAN AND IS HELL BENT ON SOCIALIST … huh? oh hi, US Senate. What? You were going to filibuster here? And bury the records of the health care and stimulus discussions? Sure thing, can you gimme another minute? Thanks … ANYWAY, WE CAN TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK AND YOU CAN KEEP THE CHANGE

  • CapnFatback

    Don't do it; don't make me bust out Ass-essment.

    Oh, now look what you did!

  • mrblifil

    Man Jim Newell has really let himself go.

  • walterhwhite

    So the rather unappealing grandma in the picture doesn't like Kool-Aide? I would have thought she gave it to her grandkids and told them to drink up because all that sugar will make them big and strong. Well big anyway.

  • walterhwhite

    Whoops – meant "Kool-Aid"

  • Rarian Rakista

    Bears already have bear arms, giving them human arms would remind me of that centipede movie and I have not had lunch yet, so don't go there.

  • Rarian Rakista

    Just say no to giving Quaaludes to polar bears!