• May 26, 2012

Obama Rakes In Big Profits On Wall Street Bailout

by Jack Stuef  

The shield is down!The general populace, according to pollsters, does not like the fact that Barack Obama made a big blue TARP that bailed out the Wall Street banks a couple years back, under the administration of George W. Bush. But it turns out the federal government has seen an 8.2% return on its investment, so suck on that, taxpayers! That’s what you get for not wanting to save one of America’s most important, albeit douchebaggy, industries! Obviously, Wall Street loves the fact that their dad the federal government had to come in and help pay their rent and such after they blew their trust fund on coke and raping NYU students, so they want their industry to be nationalized forever.

Right? That’s what will happen now? Government should take over the financial industry because it actually did a good job fixing it and turning a profit? Yes. That’s what happens in business. When a guy comes in and turns around your capitalist enterprise, you give that man huge bonuses and a big contract to run the thing for a decade. And now Wall Street will surely hand the keys to the federal government.

But, of course, the U.S. would have been better off investing in Goldline, like Glenn Beck TOLD THEM TO:

The government has earned $25.2 billion on its investment of $309 billion in banks and insurance companies, an 8.2 percent return over two years, according to data compiled by Bloomberg. That beat U.S. Treasuries, high-yield savings accounts, money- market funds and certificates of deposit. Investing in the stock market or gold would have paid off better.

And also some carb-loaded confection is here to put a wet towel over our hot TARP:

“From the perspective of the taxpayers getting their money back, TARP has been a great success,” said Todd Petzel, chief investment officer at New York-based Offit Capital Advisors LLC, which has more than $5 billion of assets under management. “But there are other costs as the government made it possible for the banks to pay back TARP. Those costs can turn out to be larger, and their legacy could last longer.”

Shut up, bro. Jager bombs, taxpayers! Lets all do Jager bombs! We did it! [Bloomberg]

{ 53 comments }

Come here a minute October 20, 2010 at 2:25 pm

We are also getting a huge return on our massive investment in the our crumbling infrastructure with the 2 trillion dollar stimulus.

Oh that's right, we still have no jobs and crumbling infrastructure, never mind.

BerkeleyBear October 20, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Shoulda been 2 trillion, but sadly no. Then we might have made an investment comparable to the Chinese.

I don't know about you, but a whole lotta paving/rebuilding going on here with ARRA money. That's why Shock (it is his district) got so pissed about the signs – they were everywhere this summer, and he couldn't pull a Bobby Jindal and act like he got the money for the district since Durbin is the lord high pork bringer for downstate Illinois. Didn't create as many jobs as hoped for, but definitely kept a lot more people employed than otherwise.

RedneckMuslin October 20, 2010 at 2:28 pm

When do we get our bonuses?

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 20, 2010 at 2:58 pm

I got your bonus right here…

JMPEsq October 20, 2010 at 2:28 pm

"When a guy comes in and turns around your capitalist enterprise, you give that man huge bonuses and a big contract to run the thing for a decade."

And when a guy comes in and runs your capitalist enterprise into the ground, you give that man (occasionally woman – see the GOP's CA noms for Gov and Sen) huge bonus and a big severance contract to go away. Either way, bonus time!

It's good to be the king.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 20, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Good news? I'm not quite sure what to do with this.

Lucidamente1 October 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I await Fox's new talking point: TARP worked because the Bush administration came up with it.

LionelHutzEsq October 20, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Great minds, eh? Great minds.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 20, 2010 at 3:01 pm

You forget the corollary: We need to cut taxes for these same captains of industry.

SmutBoffin October 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm

"But there are other costs as the government made it possible for the banks to pay back TARP. Those costs can turn out to be larger, and their legacy could last longer."

Can someone who understands how money works explain this? And then endure our collective scorn for knowin' all about the ecomony 'n' finance 'n' shit?

natoslug October 20, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Easy-peasy: It takes money to makes money. My bookie tells me this all the time.

OhNoGuy October 20, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Todd doesn't seem to get into that but he's from the U of Chicago so we know he's always right. Check out ol' Todd, queasy little mouth muff and all.

slappypaddy October 20, 2010 at 3:18 pm

1) the fed keeps interest rates close to zero. the banks get to borrow from the fed for free, then charge us alley cats whatever they can get away with in interest and fees, cuzz we ain't got nothin' and they got ever'thin' until we burn the fucking banks down and lynch the fat cats.

2) pensions make money off investments through interest. they ain't makin' no money off interest, cuzz the fed ain't chargin' enough interest to begin with.

3) the feds bought twenty trillion dollars worth of crap from the banks–that's $20,000,000,000,000.00–to keep the currency from collapsing. we ain't never gonna see that money again, and it's no guarantee the currency won't collapse anyhow.

SmutBoffin October 20, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Ah, so the fed subsidizes the banks, who fleece consumers, who are supposed to be happy because the whole scheme (fleecing themselves) turned a wee profit?

slappypaddy October 20, 2010 at 3:57 pm

you got it. fleecing wasn't all they did. dry-fucking in the stern orifice, while they bent us over, told us there was nothing we could do about it so we might as well relax and enjoy it, and then they demanded we squeal like the little piggies we so often seem to be.

their dicks are still in us, if you're wondering what that pain's about.

LionelHutzEsq October 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Good God, and Obama has the nerve to call himself a Commie/Socialist. Didn't he learn anything growing up in Kenya.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Yeah, not to associate with Sikhs.

Crank_Tango October 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm

I voted for a chicago thug, but instead i got a typical pussy democrat. where's my fucking tarp?

Monsieur_Grumpe October 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Who would have thought bailing out incompetent assholes could be profitable? Is this a great country or what?

Crank_Tango October 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm

finally, an industry with growth potential!

undeterredbyreality October 20, 2010 at 7:05 pm

In Russia, incompetent assholes bail out you!

SudsMckenzie October 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

log me in

LionelHutzEsq October 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm

In other news, FOX News will spend the next few days either:

1) Telling us how great Bush's plan was, and that Obama would have screwed it up; or

2) That there is no real money being made, and that TARP led to our economic collapse and is all Obama's fault.

Or, most likely, both.

HistoriCat October 20, 2010 at 4:27 pm

And
3) This is just another attempt by Obama to takeover private enterprise – back door socialism!

widestanceroman October 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Anyone want to bet the GOP will suddenly remember to credit Bush for the TARP?

lulzmonger October 21, 2010 at 1:59 am

The 8.2% thing was Bush's plan all along!

WALLYPIP October 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Does anyone find it ironic that toxic assets apparently still have value? Everyone knows and accepts that we Americans are most bodaciously awesome when it comes to producing toxins.

But the ability to create toxins with value — that's a gift.

Lloyd Blankfein has a boner.

BaldarTFlagass October 20, 2010 at 2:54 pm

One man's toxin is another man's treasure?

JoeMamased October 20, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Just because they're junk bonds doesn't mean there's no market for them. Hell, there's a market for manure, and it's not all in agriculture.

freakishlywrong October 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Now the handlers of the teatantrum movement are going to have to actually explain to them that TARP is good, (even though they supposedly hate bailouts), and the Recovery Act is bad, (because it's not a bailout it's stimulus, which is librul). I can't wait to see that memo.

SudsMcKenzie October 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Is this what that E*Trade baby keeps yammering on about?

Extemporanus October 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm

I look forward to hearing Sharron Angle's response to the news that Shia law has taken hold of Wall Street.

SmutBoffin October 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm

MY DOG

The gov't said they wouldn't give my dog a bailout, so I told 'em that the dog was white, lived a life of comfort and privilege, and couldn't properly assess the market-wide ramifications of dumping massive quantities of worthless financial products…

HobbesEvilTwin October 20, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Nice!

JoeMamased October 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Well played!

freakishlywrong October 20, 2010 at 2:50 pm
SayItWithWookies October 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Well we all know that TARP was passed when the Democrats were in power (which does not include the White House, of course) so it must be their doing — in fact, they probably caused the entire financial crisis so they could blame Dubya for it, tarnishing his legacy of peace and prosperity forever, and then profit by screwing over the big financial houses. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 20, 2010 at 2:55 pm

8.2%???? WTF, that's chump change. He needs to let Madame Secretary invest for him. Pork belly futures and swamp land are gold in her hands!

Fox n Fiends October 20, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Tangentally Related: Lets all watch England as they shoot themselves in the face with massive layoffs and cutbacks. Looks like they're Tea Partying already.

Limeylizzie October 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm

That really breaks my little Socialist heart, but a wonderful English broadcaster and champion of the National Health died last week and left the most amazing message to David Cameron.
From her obituary in the Guardian

Just as she helped sort out the lives of so many people who came to her for advice and help, Rayner sorted out her own mortality after that brush with cancer with the same briskness and clear gaze. She felt the modern western world dealt badly with death – "the idea that mortality is a failure" – and that to waste time or use it without pleasure was "almost immoral". Last May, she had intestinal surgery from which she failed to recover. She knew she was going, and probably welcomed the opportunity not only to say a proper goodbye to those who loved her, but relished the chance to leave some typically campaigning last words. "Tell David Cameron that if he screws up my beloved NHS I'll come back and bloody haunt him."

HELisforHEL October 20, 2010 at 4:13 pm

I love her and I didn't even know her. Nice!

Limeylizzie October 20, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Oh she was amazing, her name was Claire Rayner, you should Google her, a truly wonderful human-being.

Katydid October 20, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Tea Party like it's 1799!

Radiotherapy October 20, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Good, now could we invest it rare earth mineral futures?

mrblifil October 20, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Yes, but where's the Cocktober appeal?

DashboardBuddha October 20, 2010 at 3:23 pm

First pass of story: Yay! It all worked out!

Deep analysis: Boo! We're all fucked.

allchokedup October 20, 2010 at 3:14 pm

The 25 billion is to pay for Death Panels and a statue of Karl Marx for the Rose Garden.

OhNoGuy October 20, 2010 at 3:15 pm

The nerve of Obama! Taking bread out of the mouths of investment bankers.
(Bet his fingers get all sticky, serves him right!)

widestanceroman October 20, 2010 at 3:26 pm

I swear on my life I shall never use the New C-word again.

GOPCrusher October 20, 2010 at 3:56 pm

CNNMoney ran a story this morning about how the city of Kokomo, IN was saved because of the auto bailouts and stimulus funding. From what I read in the comments, its safe to assume that Tea Baggers were largely unimpressed and felt that it was nothing more than a Lamestream Media ploy to try to stop the inevitable takeover of the government from the triumphant Tea Bagger Movement.

HELisforHEL October 20, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Honestly, those morans need to grow a brain.

aious October 20, 2010 at 4:17 pm

What I love about this is how 99% of those who yelled and screamed about this had not a clue about this situation

It just sounds "cool" to scream at it

Heq October 21, 2010 at 1:12 am

But…uh…yeah, that's not true at all.

The issue with TARP amongst adults was actually the matter of the government serving as insurance. Yeah, the banks made a shitload of money and can pay the government back, because they went right back to insane schemes, safe in the knowledge that if it goes tits up again the government will pony up the shortfall.

Of course, that leave aside just how the banks -get- the money to pay back TARP (PS: It came from the general purse) or the fact that they haven't recognised their losses and no-one is making them.

The fact that TARP is paid back doesn't mean it's a success at all. Unemployment under 8% would be a success, lowered borrowing costs for small operators would be a success. Hey, but fuck it, it's not like the folks watching Fox or MSNBC know shit about this, so you can essentially just make stories out of whole cloth.

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