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NIGHTMARES.Remember when we noted yesterday that Bristol Palin said she would be doing “the jive” on national teevee and we joked that she would do it in blackface? Yeah, well, no, she did it in a gorilla suit, which is less offensive, we guess. But that is not the correct animal! In the modern American discourse, you are supposed to aspire to be a female grizzly bear, not a female dancing gorilla, Bristol. That sort of thing is base. If you, dear reader, are somehow not a 56-year-old woman with a diabetes foot who lives in a depressed exurb somewhere, you can now watch this “performance” you didn’t see last night here on the Internet.

Yes, the theme song to that crappy Monkees teevee show. That is something to be jived to. “Original.” Discuss this event in your Culture and Politics seminar, college students, and then walk back to your dorm and explode. [Videogum]

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  • el_chupacabra

    sweet velvet underground vest on the dude nailin' Palin.

    • CapnFatback

      It's his homage to the next scheduled Palin baby, Nico.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Earring Ken.

  • axmxz

    That's not jive; that's jitterbug, the state dance of Alaskan meth-heads.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      It's jive because Bristol said it was. That is all.

  • Sue4466

    If she was going for the musical reference, she should have dressed as a monkey. A gorilla is an ape, not a monkey. But then Asians and Latinos are the same now too, so maybe?

    • freakishlywrong

      Thinking the same thing, (Monkees?). And don't forget about Moslems.

    • JMPEsq

      That's just what those evil-ution teachin' scientists want you to think.

      Fuckin' taxonomy – how does it work?

    • OzoneTom

      I blame this for "Boy" killing himself.

  • bordo2

    This video makes me want to pull my eyes out of their sockets.

    • PocketsTheClown

      Make the bad man stop

  • BornInATrailer

    Well, guess we'll find out if Koko knows ASL for "Turn that shit off."

  • chickensmack

    Evolution in 30 seconds. Boy, that Jesus can do anything!

    • JustPixelz

      You're saying apes evolved into Palins. I disagree and the apes are pissed.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Especially when she remembers to Thank God/Jesus in her sky high finger pointing. At least she's got that move down pat.

  • iburl

    I've never wanted a gorilla paw ashtray until today.

  • JoeMamased

    I blame Obama.

  • Not_So_Much

    Sadly, she's never looked more feminine.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    The pink tutu was a nice touch. It made it seem less gay.

  • Chet Kincaid

    See Christine? Monkeys are evolving right in front of us!

    • chickensmack

      Which, thanks to this video, means that either the gay dude or Bristol is the Missing Link. But that's on NBC on Mondays.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Diabeetus foot or nay, I refuse to watch.

  • freakishlywrong

    Bristol is kind of lead footy and galumphy. I KNOW, it's not a word, but that's what comes to my head when I watch her stomp all over the stage.

    • JoeMamased

      In this case, "Dancing" should be in irony-quotes.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Lucky for her, her parents don't give their kids normal names … like Grace.

    • gvvt

      So classy to watch your partner's feet and fake the steps. Like the 5th grade class play…

  • Bristol's future in dance involves a pole and a D.J.

    • BornInATrailer

      And possibly a donkey.

      • PocketsTheClown

        Coke bottle with a stack of quarters on top like back in the Nam.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Peso Show!! A tradition kept alive in the Philippines. My favorite part was at the end when she jumped up and down, it was like hitting three 7's on the nickel slots over at the enlisted club.

      • chicken_thief

        I'm tight with Paladino – if interested, let me know and I'll forward you a copy of the vid as soon as it's available.

    • PhilippePetain

      "Next up… everyboddddy….. GET your dollars READY for Briiisitooooooolllll!"

      <Begin Godsmack Song>

    • Jukesgrrl

      She doesn't feel the music, or enjoy the eyes on her, nearly enough to make a pole dancing career viable. On second thought, perhaps there is a future in Pole Dancing for Jesus. It probably wouldn't hurt if she had no rhythm under that circumstance. And the pointing to the sky move would come in handy.

    • GOPCrusher

      And she won't have to change her name!

  • walstib

    She only twitches like that for one of (now) three reasons:

    1. Crappy dancerish type movements

    2. She really really really gots to pee

    3. She really really really wants to have a miscarriage

    Thanks to the monkey suit we'll have to go with 1 this time.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Just…oh God….

  • twogoats

    Nothing says "Teen Abstinence" quite like a fat girl shaking her boobies at a gay man.

    • 1Independentmind

      And you know he's not into OPP.

    • 1Independentmind

      'Cause you know he isn't into OPP

  • JadedDissonance

    This reminds me of the great "Comedy Writers' Strike of Aught-Seven."

  • the_problem_child

    Poor kid can't even tear off a gorilla suit with a modicum of flair.

    Someone in costuming really, really hates her, though. About the best thing that can be said about the fursuit is that it's "modest".

  • deelzebub

    A dance created in Harlem, done by a white girl, a girl whose claim to fame is being the daughter of a woman whose supporters regularly call the first black president a monkey. Who thought this was a good idea? Doesn't ABC employ anyone whose job it is to keep stuff like this from embarrassing the network?

    • piker62

      Yeah, this is pretty loud for a dog-whistle.

      • lumpenprole

        more like an air raid siren

    • 4tehlulz_lite

      They burned out trying to get rid of Mark Halperin. This is the result.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Apparently, racism is the new black.

    • gvvt

      So who exactly would be embarrassed or upset? The fans of this garbage? (Reference left intentionally vague)

  • JadedDissonance

    And, can we talk about energy and athleticism? My Gawd, the only thing I saw on Bristol's face was a steady stream of counts.

    • JustPixelz

      she's a little uncertain when she moves, lacking the crispness a stage performance needs. but she's a plucky little orphan waifer who has stolen America's heart with her pluck.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    95% of that teevee audience was just a bobbin' and a-swayin' to the beat, thoroughly enjoying the jive music and dance emanating from their boob tubes.

  • Boredw/Gravity

    Not nearly racist enough.

  • BornInATrailer

    And now we know why Junior Seau drove off a cliff yesterday.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Why didn't she keep the gorilla suit on? At least then she'd have an excuse for dancing like a dump truck.

    • the_problem_child

      She had to incorporate a stripper moment to have a chance at full points. Of course, she fucked that up, too.

    • Extemporanus

      ♪♫ She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck… ♪♫

  • SexySmurf

    You maniacs. You did it. You blew it up. Damn you. DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

    • ttommyunger

      You can have my gorilla suit when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      I think Heston's character assumed that there was a mighty kaboom that did it. He couldn't have been more wrong.

      It was a slow gradual transition back to Damn Dirty Apes. The beginnings of which we can witness right here, on this excellent tee vee show, watching the first Homo Stomptardicus gracelessly flail about.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wasilla White Trash Mating Dance? Rowr!!

  • chicken_thief

    That jug shakin' at :43 or so was, BY FAR, the best move on the vid. Looks like she has had plenty of practice with that…

    On another subject, how is it possible for a 5'2" MAN to buy pants too short for him?!!

  • JMPEsq

    Oh my god, I was wrong,
    It was Earth all along,
    Well you've finally made a monkey
    (Yes we've finally made a monkey)
    Well you've finally made a monkey out of me.

    • piker62

      Dr Zaius Dr Zaius!

  • Kitty_Sanchez

    Of course! Hasn't everybody seen the videos of WWII soldiers at the USO jivin and swingin to the hoppin tunes of the Monkees?? It exists somewhere in teabag/wingnut history, I'm sure of it.

    • LetUsBray

      Woodrow Wilson had them all suppressed.

  • Come here a minute

    The gorilla gets her first welfare check on Friday.

    Is this country screwed up or what?

  • blinky_twinkie

    Is it coincidence that these dance routines mimic the plots of porn movies, up to and including starting off wearing one outfit, then ripping that outfit off to reveal a much skimpier outfit, and ending with a gay man grabbing ass?

  • PhilippePetain

    Because they're all very, very stupid?

    • jus_wonderin

      I am coming out of the closet here. I love it. There is really competition to it. And I like it because they don't eat bugs or get pounded by huge plastic covered geometric shapes.

      Most times the girls and guys are hot.

      And…Florence Henderson is on this year. What's NOT to love?

      Well, okay, Bristol is not to "love".

  • SarcasticNymph

    That video would make Dian Fossey pick up an M-14 and start blasting.

    • deelzebub

      Bob Fosse, too.

      • LetUsBray

        Quite possibly Fozzie Bear, even.

  • Tommmcattt

    Right? These are the floating ashes of a culture burnt entirely to the ground. Jesus, Candid Camera looks like Masterpiece Theatre compared to the stuff available on various American screens today.

  • Good grief, fully-cured concrete has a better sense of rhythm than Bristol.

    • HOFAH

      Wasn't Trig…Trip ..Trap…Trog or whatever the hell the kid's name is already proof that Bristol has no sense of rhythm?

  • Katydid

    Hey hey we're the grifters
    And we're just griftin' around
    And we're too busy griftin'
    To put anybody down…

  • You drive me ape, you big gorilla
    You drive me ape ape!
    I wanna kill ya!

    DISCLAIMER: THIS POST DOES NOT CONDONE OR EXCUSE VIOLENCE AGAINST GORILLA SUITS OR THE DOG WHISTLE RACISTS WHO WEAR THEM AS JOKES.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    From 0:02 to around 0:08 I'm thinking "ok, this can't end well."

  • natoslug

    So THAT's where that Magnificent Ape went . . . this is definitely good news for John McCain!

  • PublicLuxury

    Jesus Christ!

    Bristol has no rhythm. She is obviously bad in bed. Everybody knows if you have no rhythm you can't cha-cah-cha in bed. Perhaps she is better at oral sex?

    I hope she goes away. I hate having to hear about her and see her on my teevee. She needs to go back to selling pictures of her kid.

  • If only the gorillaz had really eated Bristol.

  • WarAndGee

    God, I hate this place. "Real America" that is. (Which isn't real.)

    • ttommyunger

      Can't figure out if you keep deleting yourself or if your posts are being censored. Boggles the mind if it's the latter, what on earth can you possibly tap out that would be too offensive for the Wonkette? I am repulsed, yet strangely aroused by the possibilities.

  • BornInATrailer

    Just when I thought the PR for the "bush meat" trade couldn't get any worse…

  • JMPEsq

    Seriously though, it's really disrespectful to the memory of the original Monkees for Bristol to try to associate them with her horrid dancing and famewhoring. Now the short-lived New Monkees of the mid-80s probably do deserve the association; she should have gone for one of their songs, if anyone could remember one.

  • chickensmack

    They think these monkeys are cute at first… but you just wait until she eats someone's face off, like her momma does.

  • Lud

    Perhaps Christine O'Donnell will now have an easier time visualizing evolution.

  • Troubledog

    Bristol Palin's tired shapeless body will never be in the Russian edition of Maxim.

    Unlike Anna Chapman, former Russian mole and Facebook hottie. Rawr.

    This is Google's guess at a Russian -> English translation:
    No, you do not sleep and your vision fails. Red-haired spy, thundered across the world, our enigmatic debutante list of 100 sexiest women in the country not only starred for MAXIM, but also to break the silence by talking to us about men flirting and plans for life. In order to excite patriotism among Russians Anna V. has done more than our football team and the missile "Bulava" together.

    Can Bristol Palin say that?

    • nachoproblem

      "…like bear."

      • BornInATrailer

        Was that a Christopher Moore reference?

    • MiniMencken

      Has anybody had the same problem? Since looking at the Anna Chapman video on the Maxim Russian edition website, the high-speed gas centrifuges in my basement workshop have started going all wonky.

  • WunkRocker

    Oh now i really have to puke up a monkey.

  • JoshuaNorton

    She would have had a higher score if she left the gorilla suit on.

    Needz moar bananas. Also.

  • EdFlintstone

    I haven't seen that kind of gigawatt star power since Surreal Life 6.

  • PsycWench

    I wasn't watching the dancin' so much as wondering if Mama Palin picked the song. "We're too busy singing whining to put anybody down…".

  • V572625694

    Today we are all 56-year-old women with a diabetes foot who live in depressed exurbs somewhere.

  • ttommyunger

    Does she need money that bad, or is she just an attention whore like her mommy? I know, I know, it's both.

  • V572625694

    Did every dance Bristol attempted on DWTS involve faux stripping?

  • PhilippePetain

    Seriously though, this is charming to people. The people in the audience think this is amusing. The daughter of an idiotic possible presidential – and former vice-presidential – candidate dancing around on television in a gorilla costume.

    When Republicans claim that America is going downhill because it's supposedly looking more and more like the decadent later years of the Roman Republic, I point to this as evidence that the Romans ain't got nothing on these people, and your Romans certainly did it with more dignitas.

    • mavenmaven

      Its not the Roman Republic we're experiencing now, its the Weimar Republic (which is why I've been using Walter Benjamin as my avatar).

      • CapnFatback

        "The Work of Aaaargh in the Age of Maniacal Reproduction."

        • PhilippePetain

          Bravo.

        • PhilippePetain

          Das Cuntswerk for short?

  • mavenmaven

    …If you could see her thru my eyes,
    I guarantee you would fall
    (Like I did)
    When we're in public together,
    I hear society moan… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ7qdG2kcIc&fe

    • populucious

      DAMMIT…I was totally logging in to post this myself. It is the obvious place to go when people dance in gorilla suits, no?

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        Indeed! That was the first thing I thought of (and the bigotry that went with it)…

  • BornInATrailer

    Has there really not been a single comment about flinging poop yet? Too obvious?

    • JMPEsq

      No, the Vitter story is the next one up.

  • MiniMencken

    As a Burkean Fusionist, I have trouble seeing people enjoy themselves so much.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      If it makes you feel any better, I suffered like hell watching this.

      • MiniMencken

        As a fellow Texan, it does.

  • HELisforHEL

    Okay, I watched 45 seconds of it and had to stop. This horrid, moronic sh*t is what passes for entertainment? Who comes up with this garbage? It makes every lame-ass local variety show that existed in the 60's look like the height of artistic possibility. Every off-key singing child, every circling-on-it's-hind-legs poodle, every one-armed organ player was more entertaining than this.

    My gawd what insipid junk.
    What idiocy.
    What–oh wait–
    this is perfect for the Palin clan and their supporters.

  • JustPixelz

    It's reminiscent of Levi's seduction when he told her "get your hands off me you damn filthy ape!" Always the gentleman.

  • Extemporanus

    When the Teabaggers find out that Bristol & Mark stole their Obama Halloween costume idea, they're gonna go fucking apeshit!

    It's bananas…B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

  • slappypaddy

    when do we get to see her bite the head off a live chicken?

    • Jukesgrrl

      It will be a live bat — while she's dancing to an Ozzy Osbourne tune (which actually would be well-suited to her lack of rhythm). Crazy Train, indeed.

  • DCHatesMe

    Her dancing is sort of blah, but Mark is very light in the penny loafers .. actually.

  • savethispatient

    Was this the Gorilla that McCain made jokes about? It all makes sense now…

  • MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    Why does this not surprise me? And speaking of streaking, which game of the 2010 World Series has Todd Palin targeted to launch his naked truth tour?

  • An_Outhouse

    She sure can shake those boobies …

  • To see if Bristol Palin falls.

  • spellinge

    When did Todd Palin shave off the goatee?

    • Jukesgrrl

      When his latest girlfriend told him she didn't like it?

  • chascates

    The Taliban may be right about some things.

  • GOPCrusher

    Because "Ow, My Balls!" hasn't been produced yet.

    • JMPEsq

      Someone hasn't been paying attention; Ow, My Balls! 3D was #1 at the box office this past weekend.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I'm still waiting for Fox to produce "Who Wants to Fuck my Sister."
      I know they will do it some day. They have to.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Bristol Palin is too damn high….

  • fuflans

    i would rather see dead kennedys or 'girlfriend in a coma'.

  • slappypaddy

    well at least one of them could dance. as for the one in pink, the only kind of star she could be compared to is a burned-out white dwarf lost in the cold dark vacuum of intergalactic space.

  • lochnessmonster

    Well there is a gal who does the twitters on C-SPANWJ (Washington Journal) (and yes I'm a C-SPAN junky) in the morning and she is one angry Mama Grizzly and a devoted DWTS fan for Bristol. She spent most of the first segment last week ranting in tweets about how the DWTS judges were SO MEAN to Bristol and they should all be fired.

  • Jukesgrrl

    "The convergence of everything depressing about America today" … choreographed by Carl Paladino.

  • Gorilllionaire

    There was a day, maybe two years ago, when Turner Classics was showing all of the Ronald Reagan movies for his birthday. That day was the funniest day in Wonkette comments history, ever, in all of world history. Today may approach that day. Also I ate a pot brownie today.

    • spooked911

      you certainly have the name for this!

  • Barrelhse

    Bris, honey, check out this shit and come back when you think you're ready. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4V8pbg3rNU&fe

  • NorthStarSpanx

    She managed to jive over the corpse of her only contemporary, Mrs. Brady.

    Bristol's going to have to pull a Tebow, turning her moon face into a scripture billboard will buy her a few thousand more diabetes hobbled viewer votes.

    (Sarah, I get a royalty for this bold new idea since you'll have discovered a new way to whore your family's face to xtian or corporate interests. You are welcome.)

  • chickensmack

    Doesn't a young mother have anything better to do than to go dancing and hang out with gays?

  • deleted3356092

    She's ignorent, but she's ugly
    She's lazy, but shee's meaan

    I been to two tent revivals and a chicken fight and I ain't never seen nothing.

  • NYNYNY

    Never do something in blackface when you could do it in a full-on gorilla costume.
    -Benjamin Franklin

  • DaSandman

    Dance you craven whore dance!

    Sincerely,

    King Herod

  • undeadgoat

    Surprised they didn't keep the costume on longer, it almost distracted from the fact that she has no rhythm and is crazy nervous.

  • When Carl Paladino forwarded this video to me it was titled "Obama's first dance at the inaugural ball."

  • nachoproblem

    Whatever. In my fantasy, the other gorilla actually turns out to be Meghan McCain.

    Oh yeahhh…

  • transfatz

    The whole thing just screams DOGGIE.

  • MiniMencken

    Feed! Graze! Does this placate you, you wolverine?

  • philpjfry

    somebody just shoot me…..please

  • Toomush_Infer

    ….devolution….

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