indian giver

Obama Cancels Visit To India Shrine: Didn’t Want To Wear Muslin Costume

NEVER FORGET.President Obama is going to India early next month, presumably to tape a cameo on the Bollywood version of MythBusters. Barry was planning on visiting the Golden Temple, a renowned Sikh shrine, while he was there, but then his people heard he would have to wear a head covering to go in there. Whoops! The event is now canceled because administration officials do not want to give Teabaggers a new cover photo for Obama Is a Muslim magazine. But couldn’t he just wear a White Sox hat, you ask? The New York Times heard you. “Baseball caps are not considered appropriate,” they say. This gold mosk hates America. The president of the United States should always let his fear of what mouth-breathing bigots say about him on the Internet dictate his decisions, so this is a good call.

H. S. Phoolka, a prominent Sikh lawyer in New Delhi, said he was disappointed that Mr. Obama would not visit the temple.

“We have worked so hard to establish in America that Sikhs have a very different identity than Muslims,” Mr. Phoolka said. “It is very unfortunate that even the White House is conveying the message that there is no difference between Muslims and Sikhs.”

Well maybe you shouldn’t go around looking like Muslims, sir. Haven’t you considered that? Our president does not want to look like a Muslim ever again, so he will not wear your costume. Can you imagine America’s head of state wearing anything other than Christian clothes? That would be blasphemy.

Last year Canada’s Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, also visited the temple.

WAIT, CANADA HAD THE BALLS TO DO THIS? Put on that turban and get in that shrine, Obama. Teabaggers will respect you even less if you let Canada show you up.

Plus, you know, Obama administration, they already have a perfectly good photo of the president wearing a turban, so perhaps you could just go to this thing and not let the threat of their Internet chatter make your decisions for you this time? [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Doglessliberal

    Mr. Phoolka, you have no idea the level of idiocy you are dealing with. You may have worked hard, but 80% of America thinks you are terrorists. Any picture of Obama with you is going to end up on Fox news and drive more idiots to the polls to "save their country". People DO NOT WANT TO EAT CAMPBELL'S SOUP because it has Muslicooties.

    Nothing funny to say. Too depressed. Ugh.

        1. natoslug

          You're welcome. It's either post the silly or do some work. Silly is much less soul grinding today.

          1. natoslug

            I could use a good waddle. I may take a vigorous lap to the fridge, then reward myself with a lunchtime beer. I'd run, but I don't think anyone's chasing me right now.

          2. Doglessliberal

            Hey, to each his coping mechanism.

            Though if you want to run, go to a Palin-led rally in a Sikh headwrap.

          3. natoslug

            Okay, my turn to lol. Are you suggesting that the average Palinite wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a Sikh and Muslin? That's unpossible, and will surely be refudiated by a dead salmon.

          4. natoslug

            Where else? There's nothing sexier than a slightly pudgy, 40something white guy with bedsheets on his head and nothing but pudding covering the rest of him. Or so I've heard.

          5. Bonzos_Bed_Time

            I refuse to be dragged into a threesome with you and Dogless. No, no, no, it just won't happen. You can't make me. No.

            What kind of pudding?

          6. Doglessliberal

            Well, some would say it is sick and weird to get up before dawn (except today when I was too lazy) and run in the cold and dark.

          7. Kitty_Sanchez

            Well it is weird to voluntarily subject yourself to cold and dark, but that just makes it more impressive. I have quite a few friends who use similar coping methods and I am endlessly impressed. The only negative feeling I have about it is worry about their safety (running and cycling on the SUV-laden streets where I live can be dicey).

    1. Canuck237503

      Um, I think suggesting that even 20% of the population knows the difference is intensely optimistic.

      1. finallyhappy

        pathetic- really! A lot of people think learning about other religions does bad things to you(if you are a mouthbreathing fundie). I mean the minute, I learned about original sin, I became Catholic and after I was in India and received a blessing from a holy man, I became Hindu. Now that I have eaten 3 Milano cookies today- I am Muslin.

  2. natoslug

    Sikhs and Muslins are just like Icebergs and Goldbergs. They're all responsible for the Titanic, damnit!

      1. Kitty_Sanchez

        HAH! Win.

        I normally avoid making fun of people for their weight, but one of my guilty pleasures is catching up on the latest name for Jonah at Sadly, No!

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    “Baseball caps are not considered appropriate”

    How about a snappy fedora, or an Australian bush hat? TBags are just gonna photoshop the turban in anyway.

    I like saying "snappy fedora."

    1. WIDTAP

      How about a Yarmulke? Certainly the right wingers can't be opposed to that, eh? If not, the a stylish Revolutionary War tricorne.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      I was going to suggest the same thing. Plus, it would renew interest in wearing hats again. The hat industry flourishes, people go back to work making hats, economy grows – Democrats sweep in November.


      And yes…I like saying Snappy Fedora as well.

      1. HELisforHEL

        What a fine idea. I am saddled with a bad-hair-life and so lurve lurve lurve hats.

        A Snappy Fedora worn at a jaunty angle. Nice ring I think.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          I'd love to be able to wear hats, but I have really wiry coarse hair. Once I take off the hat, I wind up looking like Henry Spence.

  4. PresBeeblebrox

    That's right, because Sikhs are Muslims. The Prime Minister of the world's second most populous country is Sikh Muslim, and the CEO of MasterCard is a SikhMuslim too. All those turbaned guys who fought with British troops during the Raj? Sikhs Muslins.

    Jeebus, this nation is crawling with stupidity.

    1. natoslug

      I thought we were crawling with bedbugs. Do bedbugs suck brains? Maybe that's the problem with our country — it's crawling with Zombie Bedbugs, and nobody gives enough of a fuck to take care of it. Where's the Anti-Zombie Bedbug party when you need it? Or maybe we just need to convert the bedbugs to Christianity. Tearing off their turbans should let Jesus in, right?

      I might need to be slapped at some point, as I seem to be channeling a little too much of my inner-Nadine today.

          1. Doglessliberal

            I like the poetic ones. I got one this morning:

            From: "Gaspar Lantieri" <
            Re: omen of loose life should be p

            I am dying to know what "p" is.

          2. BaldarTFlagass

            Look up to the right of your name, above your post. You are "71p." I am "84p."

            Wait a minute, I'm not a number, I'm a free man!!1!

          3. horsedreamer_1

            Paulina Porizkova, wife of Ric Ocasek, &, from her husband's days producing Weezer's first album, a friend of Matt Sharp (who as leader of the Rentals recorded the song "Friends of P")?

  5. anniegetyourfun

    As someone who kind of has a "thing" for Sikhs, I am disappointed that my President is going to deny me one perfect image of him to contribute to my spankbank.

  6. Truculent

    Where would he stash the small dagger that all Sikhs are supposed to carry? In Biden's back, perhaps?

  7. freakishlywrong

    The punditocracy always bitch that he hasn't visited a mosk yet, so it's his fault that stupids hate moslims. Yet, the minute he sets foot in a mosk it'll sound like a brass band on 'roids breaking plates while blowing vuvuzelas over there on the right. This is why we can't have nice things.

    1. Redhead

      "elephants in a china shop when they should be in NA" seems more appropriate since we're talking about Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.

  8. nachoproblem

    In America, people believe that wearing Sikh apparel is evidence that you're a Muslim, for the same reason they believe that Africa is a country. Or, to quote somebody I met recently, "Massachusetts? Where's that? Is that a state?" (Not an immigrant, just a girl from Hayward.)

    1. horsedreamer_1

      It's a COMMONWEALTH. The U.S. only has 46 states, in fact. Or 45, if you don't believe Ohio is a state, either, & thus the ratification of the income tax amendment is null.

  9. Kitty_Sanchez

    If you think about it, Hopey's alwayshaving to let "what mouth-breathing bigots say about him on the Internet dictate his decisions" (and don't forget all the radio and Fox News hate vomiters).

    They're already taking the calmest, coolest dude ever to sit in the oval office and trying to get everyone to think he's a terrifying radical angry negro hellbent on reparations for his homeys and enslaving and/or killing whitey. Can it get worse? Is it really possible for them to get more mileage on this crap? (I'm afraid of the answers to those questions.)

    1. HELisforHEL

      He and the FLOTUS are measured, intelligent, dignified people. And to the TeaBagging idiot brigade these are considered bad, terrible, anti-American qualities. ARGH

  10. PubOption

    I assume that the Sikh vote in the USA is either small and poorly organized, or else they tend to vote republican.

    1. MsQuasimodo

      Actually, most Sikhs in America are Democrats. They are mostly organized within their own communities. SIkhism is kinda like the Unitarianism of Asian religions: they believe in the truth of all faiths, respect all ideas of god, reject the caste system (well, in theory, anyway), believe in the equality of women and men, and are generally badass motherfuckers as well in war. Then there's the thing about not cutting hair/shaving beard and covering their heads, which of course means they're SEKRET MOZLIMS waiting to take over the US!!!!1

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    I can't help but wonder, if there had been no major terrorist attack on 9/11, would the American People give a ripe shit about the president going to India, visiting a temple while there, and wearing whatever getup they told him to? If the answer is 'no, indeed there would not be a problem with this,' then haven't the terrorists won?

  12. JoeMamased

    “We have worked so hard to establish in America that Sikhs have a very different identity than Muslims.”

    Hahahaha, Mr. Phoolka, if that is your real name, you're not phoolin' anyone.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Problem solved. And if he wore spurs, he could go to Texas and give that hairdo in the Governor's Mansion some what for.

  14. chicken_thief

    Channelling my mother:

    So, Mr. H. S. Phoolka, if the Canadian PM jumps off a bridge, Nobama should to?! Hmm?!!

  15. weejee

    Barry should give a seriously big fuck you to the 'tards. Visit the Sikh Golden Temple, then go back to Delhi for a triple play; Jama Masjid Mosque to the Akshardham Hindu Temple to the Bahá'í Lotus Temple. Heck, if the heat ain't getting to him by then, Obarmar could then jet south to Madras and visit the San Thome Basilica teh supposed original burial spot for ol' Doubting Thomas. Heck, India has more opportunities for spiritual adventure than a junkyard dog has fleas.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      But screw the Zoroastrians. Them and the mental struggle between aša and druj they rode in in.

  16. ttommyunger

    That sound you heard across the country was the soft sighing of thousands of Faux News erections deflating when news of this cancellation came across the wire. No pun intended.

  17. GOPCrusher

    I have to assume that at the end of a long day, when the Obama family is settling down for the evening, Barack cracks open a 40 of Colt .45, puts his feet up, turns on the basketball game , and wonders how he got through another day without snapping and screaming at the top of his lungs "YOU PEOPLE ARE AS RETARDED AS A BAG OF FUCKING HAMMERS. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP."

  18. thx11380

    Ah yes, another "I can pretend to make fun of Obama without looking like the right wing hack I aspire to be" story tailor made for Jack Stuef!

  19. snoopyfan2010

    Big deal, really. I can see him losing support for this….from idiots who care about hats. Most sane people would understand that he is just trying to keep those pesky white flakes, caused by a bad case of dandruff, from piling up on his shoulders. He's like the Joe Louis of the political world.

  20. Heq

    Yesm, all those people who would have voted would turn away if he were to act like an adult.

    It's a good thing he knows enough to try to constantly be to the right of the conservative party of Canada, 'cause that's sure to fire up the Democratic base.

  21. Engelbert

    He should wear a yarmulke (sp?). Seriously. In one move, the Obama could expose anti-Muslim bigotry for the anti-Semitic bigotry it is.

    This makes sense in my head but I'm heavily medicated so there's that.

  22. carlgt1

    that is pretty wimpy of him; plus remember the dumbasses that killed Sikhs thinking they were "muslin towelheads?" so now he's pandering to that element that thinks "Sikh = Muslin terrorist!"

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