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Southern GOP Chairman Resigns Over Racist E-Mail, The Sky Is Blue

A beacon of hope for all minor Repblican officials who want to forward offensive e-mails.Virginia Beach Republican Party Chairman David Bartholomew has resigned after sending out a hilarious racist e-mail about taking a dog to get welfare benefits. We probably should have warned you before posting that sentence, as some of you probably fainted from the sheer surprise at reading such a thing. A Republican official sent out a racist e-mail and Christine O’Donnell said something stupid today? How do we make sense of these strange occurrences? So what’s the deal with this dog? Was he eating watermelons with Obama in the White House garden? You know, that old cliche? No, this e-mail just compared blacks and Hispanics to the dog. Humor!

Here’s this year’s Mark Twain Prize recipient:

MY DOG

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.

At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare”.

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So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify…

My Dog gets his first check Friday.

Is this a great country or what?

Oh, but this guy isn’t racist! He just doesn’t understand how this e-mail thing works!

The e-mail was dated March 15 and sent from the address that Bartholomew uses as party chairman. Bartholomew forwarded it without reading the contents when “he was first getting familiar with the Internet,” Byler said.

Just getting familiar with the Internet here in 2010. We can’t even make a joke about old people using the Internet for the first time because come on, even 104-year-old bed-bound paupers have used the Internet by this point. The only people who have not gone online are currently in the womb. And that’s only some fetuses. Most fetuses have probably taken part in some sort of smart-phone application before they even get out of their first trimester.

But this racist e-mail does raise an important issue: naturalized dog citizenship. Get on that, Congress. [Hampton Roads]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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114 comments

    1. JMPEsq

      Well of course he resigned, because he broke one of the biggest rules of Conservative club: keep your racism either confined to fellow travelers or in the form of dog whistles so as to maintain plausible deniability and the ability to scream, "race card!" when called on it.

  1. slappypaddy

    all those teabaggers and their ideological kith and kin (i.e., republicans) are bewitched. next thing you know, their heads will be spinning like tops and they'll be spattering the walls with their vomit. take cover!

  2. BrentKockman

    I took my dog to a Tea Party convention to see if he could run for local office.

    The lady at the registration table said "dogs aren't eligible to run for office in the tea party."

    I said, "but my dog can't bathe himself, I have to repeat myself at least 3 times before he understands, he eats his own poop and he doesn't know what's in the constitution."

    She double-checked the requirements, and my dog is now running for US Senate on the Tea Party ticket!

  3. Lucidamente1

    The only surprise would be if one of these crackers did without the lame-ass excuses and just fessed up ("Course I wrote it. I hates me them niggers").

    1. twogoats

      none of these people got the equipment Krystal Ball does. Nobody wants to own their own opinions and actions.

  4. RedneckMuslin

    The part that really bothers me is the hipocrasy in the story where the racist gets his dog a gubmint check! I'm just too used to a GOP pol being racist and ho hum about it any more. But a dog gettin' a gubmint check is too much!

  5. Come here a minute

    The most offensive thing is that "dog" is capitalized. Come on racists, get your usage rules right or leave the offensive email forwarding to the better specimens of the master race.

  6. slappypaddy

    "Bartholomew forwarded it without reading the contents when he was first getting familiar with the Internet.”

    he was feeling her up in the dark and thought no one would ever know.

    busted!

  7. Lefty_Lucy

    MY DOG

    I went down this morning to sign up my dog as a member of the Tea Party.

    At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to join the Tea Party”.

    So I explained to her that my Dog is white, disabled, lazy, diabetic and has no frigging clue what is contained in the Constitution.

    So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify…

    My Dog gets to vote on November 2.

    Is this a great country or what?

    1. natoslug

      My dog eats shit, ate the constitution and has the world's worst gas, and its farts are still too bright to join the Tea Party.

        1. natoslug

          Hey now! I didn't insult YOUR dog. Chris Christie is my dog's shit, about the third time through.

          p.s. — don't ever let my dog (okay, dogs) lick your face. Or hands. Or any part of you, probably. Anything with that rigorous a fecal reduce/reuse/recyle program should most likely be avoided.

      1. doxastic

        In favor: My dog enjoys dutch-ovening and barking at the TV.
        Not in favor: He has a lot of black and brown friends, and is known to lay a hump on a dude from time to time.

    2. JMPEsq

      How dare u! Making fun of people for being in the tea party, a chosen political affiliation, is EXACTLY THE SAME as making fun of them for there race, so your a RACIST!! and a CLASSICIST two!

      signed,

      Reason Hit & Run

  8. fuhrius

    What did the Chinese socialist guy say to the liberal queer?

    "This Chilean red is fucking outstanding Tom! You really got this at Trader Joe's?"

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    Well, the Internet is a series of tubes, not a dump truck….

    And, can you blame the guy if he accidentally hit forward because he was laughing so hard. I mean, this is up there with the wit and wisdom of Dennis Miller!

    1. smokefilledroommate

      I know–I keep mashing the buttons on my Jitterbug but the interwub still won't come on. Must be something stuck in one of the tubes.

  10. brendanwynn

    Uh, have you even heard of Sharron Angle? There is no such thing as distinct minorities anymore. You can't even tell, so instead all of them are generic-minority terrorists coming in through the Canada-Nevada border of Virginia Beach (where i am regrettably from).

    Except honorary azn Sharron. She is a terrorist, for freedom.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      "You can't even tell, so instead all of them are generic-minority terrorists"

      We know it will come to this. The population is increasingly multi-racial. I mean, come on! What's a racist to do when faced with somebody like Soledad O'Brien? Poor Sharron's little brain can't manage non-racism or complexity, so….

  11. Kidneys4Sale

    They'll be short a host sometime during the day, though. Somebody will have to lead him through orientation.

  12. JMPEsq

    Hey, I just randomly forward every single email I get to everybody without even looking at it first; it's why my mom hasn't talked to me since that one about enlarging her penis.

  13. horsedreamer_1

    If he's imbuing his dog with human characteristics — the ability to receive public assistance, et. al. — then what are the odds he's also sexing the beast? Even? Better than even?

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      Oh, please. I'd say the better line to chase is the over-under on how many 'entrances' the poor critter is listed as having on Craig's List.

  14. harry_palmer

    He was probably tired of the Chairmanship and wanted to put himself in solid with the donor base for the much better paying job he'll be getting in the private sector starting next week.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      Shoot! The dude will fall safely into some kind of wingnut welfare position. Count on it. He'll show up at some conservative "think tank" or as a "consultant" on Fox News… This will probably advance his career in conservative politics.

  15. horsedreamer_1

    Obama is having his new Chief-of-Staff prepare paperwork relinquishing U.S. sovereignty to Elizabeth II, & her liege, David Cameron.

  16. HistoriCat

    So the dude learned "Forward" before learning how to open and read an email? The person showing him how to use email should have resigned.

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    New to the internet? I suspect we won't hear from him for a few months after he discovers free porn.

  18. horsedreamer_1

    They'll also find — or make-up; yeah, almost certainly make-up — a LIEbrul version of Andrew Breitbart who edited the e:mail so, taken out of context, the chairman looks racist.

  19. doxastic

    Dog bites man: Southern GOP Chairman Resigns Over Racist Email.
    Man bites dog: Brian Doherty is appalled by the joke's blatant classism/racism.

  20. cheetojeebus

    What's up with my Wonkette? all these dog bites man stories…and still nothing about those UFOs over Manhattan? Party balloons my ass, Wake up sheeple they're here already!

    1. comrad_darkness

      First they came for Manhattan, but I didn't care because I'd already seen all those shows anyway . . .

  21. JoshuaNorton

    “he was first getting familiar with the Internet,”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Oh, sorry. That's not a sentence. These people give me blog Tourrette's. (Blogette's?)

    Anyway, …….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    I've got to stop doing that.

  22. natoslug

    I have no problem with the South rising again, as long as it's to get up and get the hell out of my house. Get outside and get some sunshine, South! Some fine, Antarctic sunshine, preferably.

  23. DaSandman

    And they won't rerelease the Disney classic "Song of the South" . I feel our racist heritage is just slipping away…

  24. iburl

    I was just getting familiar with the Internet, you see I had always heard it would transform my racist republican rants into naked pictures, you know, for the fapping.

  25. Troubledog

    I went down this morning to register my dog to run for US Senate in South Carolina.

    The lady said, "Sorry, your dog is not eligible to be a US Senator from South Carolina"

    I said "Hold on there, lady, my dog is black, single, unemployed, has no political experience, no money to fund a campaign, no party support, and lives at home with his dad."

    The lady replied, "Yes, sir, I see that on your application, but we already have someone fitting that description running as a Democrat."

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Karma's gonna bitch-slap you for dissing Alvin, the Tao Master. Feel the wrath of the Aqua Buddha. Also.

      1. Troubledog

        My chi is solid, holmes. My dao is totally bangin. I'm bouts to go astral projection all up in this bitch.

  26. mrblifil

    I'm guessing stepping down is probably not going to be too painful a transition. As far as I can tell being Virginia Beach Republican Party Chairman means you get an extra half-hour on the shooting range on Tuesday nights and you are automatically entered into Publisher's Clearing House Sweepsteaks for a chance to win cash and prizes. Although it's probably true that when he drops his business card on the floor of the highway rest stop men's room, the frisson becomes charged.

  27. mumbly_joe

    Still, it's sort of a shame that now we're going to miss out on the weeks of denying he meant anything improper by it, his insistence that he doesn't even understand how the email machine works, and attempts to shift blame to the Democrats who, after all, are the real racists here, for getting indignant about casual racism. Because that's the sort of thing that really gets my juices* flowing**

    *Blood
    **Boiling

    1. anniegetyourfun

      "But, the dog was obviously a black lab. I have three of them dawgs muhself, and they are SO lazy, I tell ya, just sittin' around in the sun all day, doin' nuthin', like some goddamnned nig-… uh, what I meant to say is that muh dawgs, they are lazy. So, really, I wasn't bein' racist."

  28. chickensmack

    He was too busy laughing to pay attention to silly things like automated backups, or spam filters, or email retention policy. After all, that's what they outsource that nerd shit for.

  29. Naked_Bunny

    Oh yeah, my mom forwarded that to me a few weeks ago.

    Funny how often I almost click on the "This is Spam" button when she sends me email.

  30. Eve8Apples

    We're destined to see David on the ballot as a Tea Party Constitution candidate for Senate in 2012.

  31. fuflans

    seriously, is there a humor gene or something? because even if i was a card carrying kkk member, that shit would not be funny.

  32. NorthStarSpanx

    Who in this day and age forwards jokes via email anymore either? Old, lame and crazy people. Evident especially when they don't cut and paste the body of the content and keep all those annoying email addresses and forward history all up in there.

    It's how I inadvertently got an email from Monica Lewinsky once. And when Sarah Palin abused the power of her office to access a confidential State of Alaska business registry database to send me an email to encourage me to harass my hater Representative on a bill she was desiring to see progressed.

  33. Extemporanus

    I'm as sick as a rabies-wracked welfare dog, so I'm just gonna recycle my Mark Twain Prize-winning joke from a couple weeks ago:

    "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend — inside of a dog, a Teabagger's thrusting cock makes it too hard to read."

  34. axmxz

    MY DOG

    I went down this morning to sign up my Dog to vote.

    At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to vote”.

    So I explained to her that my Dog is a white inbred male without balls, who barks at everything that passes within a three foot radius of his dog house; whines if you delay feeding him even for half an hour; shits wherever the urge strikes him; hunts small animals but never catches any, because he's too fat; and has an irrational hatred of the Post Office and its employees.

    So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify…

    …and said, "All right, I'll register him as a Republican, but don't you think you oughta just put him out of his misery?"

    And I said, "He's already ancient; why rush the inevitable?"

  35. capitolhillblly

    I was minding my own business trying to watch some football when My Dog came into the room and humped my leg.

    I kicked him in the ribs and he sulked away and consoled himself by licking his own dick.

    After a few minutes of that he did that gross thing where they drag their butt across the carpet.

    Then he scarfed down a bowl of onion dip, puked on the floor and licked up the puke.

    Then he snatched the remote out of my hand, turned the TV to Fox News, and said "Man I'd like to get hold of of that Sarah Palin – I'd knock a hole in it."

    My Dog sure has Good Taste.

  36. ttommyunger

    This is what passes for Teabag humor. I caught Ann Coulter trying to be funny one time. One snide cut after another is not funny, unless of course you think crushing insects and small animals underfoot is funny, which I suspect most of them do, now that I think about it.

  37. nappyduggs

    Dear Sir:
    As an American of African slave lineage, I would like to boil down a couple of things for you, from a differing perspective. First of all, it astounds me that folk like yourself refuse to grasp the fact that there are statistically more White people on the dole, based upon our national demographics. Secondly, Black folk are lazy? Come now. A fine Southerner like yourself must realize that any semblance of Southern wealth was built upon the backs of Black people, who were sold like oxen because they worked like oxen, while Miss Scarlett fingerbanged herself beneath her petticoats, watching those Black bucks work. That plus trying to outrun your goddamned dogs and bounty-hunters all of the time made for a very long work week! So, forgive some of us if genetic memory dictates that we take an extra nap now and again.

    You dumb motherfucker.

    1. deanbooth

      Congrats, mutt, on getting above the -100p mark. I always give you pee to help prepare you for battle in the bowels of the internets. Onward, libtard soldier!

    2. Stacee

      It does seem as though we've read this before, doesn't it?
      Yet time and time again, we're told racism does not exist, come on, can't you take a joke and stop being so sensitive.
      After he was ousted, the Florida GOP chair Jim Greer said a lot of the opposition to President Obama's school speech was based on race and how he's heard a lot of racist talk within the party. It's nice that he came clean, but why didn;t he speak up then? Why did it take him getting the boot for him to talk about this? And where are the leaders in all this, calling this behavior out?

  38. GOPCrusher

    Just think!
    In 14 more hours, we can look forward to Sarah Palin tweeting "Don't retreat! Reload!"
    USA! USA! USA!

  39. Jorge_Vino

    "Georgia Allen, the head of the city's NAACP…"

    Macaca has a black sister? Par for the course, I guess.

  40. imissopus

    I call shenanigans. As that troll informed us over the weekend, it is the DimoRats who are the real vile racists. And Breitbart has said that even just alleging someone is a racist is the worst thing you can do in today's America. So the question remains: when will the Virginia Beach cops investigate the Dems who obviously broke into this man's house and used his computer to forward this offensive racist joke that they had obviously received from some other racist Demoncrat?

    Actually, Ken Cucinelli is Virginia's AD, so I shouldn't joke. He might very well have already drawn up subpoenas.

  41. rodwade

    There is nothing funny about this joke. I don't know if anyone has noticed, but this is the general type of sentiment being expressed by the GOP nationwide. Michele Bachmann said Obama wants to make slaves out of white Americans, Rand Paul wants to strike "separate but equal" from the Civil Rights Bill and now this. There were 5 blatantly racist slurs in that joke. My dog is Black, Lazy, Unemployed, Can't speak English and Doesn't know who is daddy is. Substitute the word dog with nigger and that is the real intent of his joke. In their heart, the GOP would like to erase the Civil Rights Bill as Barry Goldwater tried to do in 1964. If voters put them power, they will turn back , as much as possible, the status quo as we know it today. I sure hope Americans see the reality of this before Nov.3

  42. babyeinstein

    or Cuban? so he'd be a Commie too, which really brings the whole joke together – of course a lazy cuban black commie dog would want to get his paws on some welfare!

  43. aious

    I love these emails. They will get dismissed as right-wingers "joking" yet time and time again race is being brought up by them

    Yet….somehow they will cry and scream if race is even slightly mentioned by others

    Wonder why that is?

  44. Boredw/Gravity

    Have you checked the First Amendment? Who knows what's in that thing? Or maybe Thomas Jefferson just wrote it in a letter.

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