it's morning in america

New York Gubernatorial Orgy Focuses On ‘Rent Is Too Damn High,’ Hookers

Cuomo, meet Jimmy. Rent is just too high for this man.

  • America witnessed beautiful, unvarnished Democracy last night, and it was delicious. All seven mostly-insane New York gubernatorial candidates participated in a remarkably civil and friendly chitchat, and Carl Paladino didn’t even say anything vaguely racist — which is a miracle, Hallelujah et cetera. (Every time Paladino says something horrible, Satan has sex with an endangered woodland creature and then emails the sex tape to all his satanic co-workers/the media.) The star that shined the brightest last night was definitely Civil War-bearded Jimmy McMillan, of the Rent Is 2 Damn High Party. Jimmy mostly just wanted to point out that rent is too damn high, and also we think he said he is for gay marriage/shoe-marriage, as long as the rent is not too high? Gawker has videos. Kristin Davis — the lady who sold hookers to Eliot Spitzer — made an appearance, and she also made everyone uncomfortable with her big breasts. Click on all of these links we have gathered, so that you can learn more about this historic debate. [Gawker/Alex Pareene/Daily Caller/Rent Is 2 Damn High Party]
  • Our shadow government is angry at telecommunication megadeath companies, because all the new cellphone towers (or whatever) have created “technical obstacles” that make it difficult for shadowy government agencies to wiretap people. Not helping the government wiretap people is extremely illegal, according to this article. What? [NYT]
  • “Undecided voters who are about to settle the nation’s most closely watched U.S. Senate race are facing a dilemma: They don’t care for either Harry Reid or Sharron Angle.” How long did it take McClatchy to realize this? Probably not as long as it took us to read that awful New Yorker profile about Harry Reid’s dullness. [McClatchy DC]

It's not rent is too 'darn' high!

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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64 comments

    1. Terry

      Tear the roof off, we're gonna tear the roof off the mother, sucker
      Tear the roof off the sucker

      That does sort of fit theme of rent being too high.

      1. deelzebub

        I've been to a George Clinton concert. I don't think you could keep the crowd at a George Clinton political rally focused enough to vote.

  1. crapshooter102

    I going with the "Low-'Rent candidate" and fulfill my Mother's Prophecy concerning some of the Women I dated. Tho, she used more Bawdier names for my gals.

  2. Fare la Volpe

    So when can I marry my Manolo Blahniks? I ask because those little bitches have been dropping hints left and right, and you can only refuse heels for so long.

    Haha, just kidding. I'm too poor to own shoes. I'm getting a shotgun wedding to a pair of cardboard boxes with tinfoil. They ain't much, but we make it work.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Share feet? My fam couldn't even afford feet. Each of us had to sell both legs plus an arm and a half just to pay the rent for our remaining arm stub. We had to put a down payment on air. My brother had to take a full-time job as a door-stop. It was moidah, I tells ya. Moidah!

    1. nappyduggs

      Gurrrl, get you a Red Sharpie, coat your soles, and voila! Instant Louboutins. If you have chirrens, get another Sharpie and make three stripes or a Swooshie-thingy on their feets. They'll think it's fun and never know that they are little more than filthy little street urchins. It's very poignant.

    2. PsycWench

      This biology professor at Liberty U., Daniel Howell, has been preaching the gospel of going barefoot for a while. Does that make him a confirmed bachelor? Or, since Liberty makes him wear shoes to class, is he in a marriage of convenience?
      And the biggest question: how the hell did Liberty "University" get a professor who advocates shoelessness? I have it on good authority that the students cannot leave their dorm rooms unless fully clothed, including shoes.

  3. Terry

    Sometimes I look at groups of candidates like those at the NY debate and wish my State/region had more eccentric people running. Then, the momentary insanity leaves me and I realize it's much better to look in on these crazy-fests from the outside. Sort of like enjoying following the ups and downs of the British royalty without having to pay their bills.

    1. crapshooter102

      I cannot believe that people in South Carolina would ever say "Thank God for New York." But last night's debate proved the point. We are also on the verge of the Apocalypse, the Mayan Calendar was a year late in their prediction.

  4. Ruhe

    I was watching the last Borne film last night and I saw no evidence of "technical obstacles" hindering shadowy government agencies.

    1. JustPixelz

      Agreed! As the documentary series "24" has shown us, the gov'mint can tap into any cell phone, camera, satellite or computer at will. Plus, the terrorists will tell you anything if you cock your gun and shout the question.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        And all it takes takes to get a satellite to hone in on a car driving through the back roads of a national forest is to type the license plate number into one of them fancy 'puter machines.

  5. JMPEsq

    How we gonna pay this year's rent, in New York? It sounds like McMillan is running for the 90s-Broadway-Rock-Opera-turned-into-mediocre-movie-by-horrible-director Party.

  6. mumbly_joe

    I still cannot believe that Kristin Davis said all politicians be ho's, and she knows that the only way a ho' learns respect is if you smack them around a bit, but I am like 90% sure that she did say that at one point in that debate.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Also, here was no laughter, only stunned silence, because the violence that many sex workers and/or politicians face at the hands of pimps/Kristin Davis isn't funny, even to Paladino voters, possibly.

      Kristin Davis is a complete monster, the end.

  7. zhubajie

    Chose the woman with gigantic tits! Next election, the man with the biggest dick! It makes no sense, but neither do any of the other conventionally chosen leaders/

    1. Beanball

      Kirsten Davis does, indeed, have large knockers. I would submit, however, that they are not as large as Ms McCain's.

      Closer inspection is called for.

      <Googles for awhile>

      Due to a dearth of cleavage shots of Ms McCain, Kirsten wins!!1!!

      Seeing as conventional wisdom holds that hookers are experienced women of the world, it stands to reason that Kirsten Knockers Davis is more qualified than most to hold High Office.

      Back to your regularly scheduled snarking.

  8. weejee

    McClatchy is surprised by the Nevada undecideds? Why does anyone go to Nevada? For intellectual fulfillment? Naaaah, they go to party. If you were throwing your all time, really all time party who would you invite, Share-hun Angle or the Reidster? Or would you be undecided, hopin' for some other option for that last invite. Maybe invite Riley as a write-in, eh? Too, late you didn't decide so you got Wayne Newton by default.

    1. finallyhappy

      Is there something outside of Vegas and Reno? isn't it all desert and lizards and that one famous whorehouse?

      1. JMPEsq

        There's also all the old nuclear testing sites, and of course Area 51, the air force base kept secret because it's where the performed the alien autopsies and reverse-engineer technology from their stash of crashed UFOs. Or because test secret experimental aircraft, but that doesn't make as much sense.

  9. Oblios_Cap

    Damn net-nanny won't let me view the video and salivate over Kristin's tits. Too much government intrusion, I says!

    As for the high rent, take the Tyrone Green approach:

    Dark and lonely on a summer's night.
    Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
    Watchdog barking. Do he bite?
    Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
    Slip in his window. Break his neck.
    Then his house I start to wreck.
    Got no reason. What the heck?
    Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
    C-I-L-L my land lord!

    1. x111e7thst

      Let's lynch the landlord man / I tell them 'turn on the water' / I tell 'em 'turn on the heat' / Tells me 'All you ever do is complain'

  10. tcaalaw

    Not one of the links for the section of the post on the gubernatorial debate had a photo of Kristin Davis. I call epic fail.

  11. Wait..what?

    I see an Oscar in Samuel L Jackson's future. A concerned citizen by day, evil landlord fighting vigilante by night. He fights for you because "RENT IS TOO F*CKING HIGH!". I mean the basics are all there – great facial hair, great voice, gloves (!?) and fighting for the poors. What more can you want?

  12. JustPixelz

    Kristin Davis wins because she is a Kristin. I can't think of any better criteria to choose our leaders.

  13. notreelyhelping

    A campaign based on "Dear Landlord"? Wake me when we get a campaign based on "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues."

  14. Mindblank

    it's a good thing we kicked out all those old shadowy government guys and replaced them with new ones, isn't it? We have more comfy and hopey shadow guys, now.

  15. mrblifil

    Since Paladino is a real estate tycoon, and therefore responsible for the damnably high rent, it is a wonder the two were not immediately extinguished in a matter/anti-matter conflagration. Leaving the field clear for Cuomo to accept being added to the ballot as the "Get My Freak On" Party's candidate.

    Actually I guess that's sort of what's happening anyway, only slower than the scenario I laid out above. Also.

  16. donner_froh

    Every time Paladino says something horrible, Satan has sex with an endangered woodland creature and then emails the sex tape to all his satanic co-workers/the media

    Or the Ruler of Demons could just email it to Paladino, ensuring it got the widest circulation possible.

  17. axmxz

    That photo of McMillan is deceptively tame. His beard is now parted down the middle and resembles two gigantic furred testicles hanging off his chin.

Comments are closed.