IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:28 am October 19, 2010

New York Gubernatorial Orgy Focuses On ‘Rent Is Too Damn High,’ Hookers

by Riley Waggaman

Cuomo, meet Jimmy. Rent is just too high for this man.

  • America witnessed beautiful, unvarnished Democracy last night, and it was delicious. All seven mostly-insane New York gubernatorial candidates participated in a remarkably civil and friendly chitchat, and Carl Paladino didn’t even say anything vaguely racist — which is a miracle, Hallelujah et cetera. (Every time Paladino says something horrible, Satan has sex with an endangered woodland creature and then emails the sex tape to all his satanic co-workers/the media.) The star that shined the brightest last night was definitely Civil War-bearded Jimmy McMillan, of the Rent Is 2 Damn High Party. Jimmy mostly just wanted to point out that rent is too damn high, and also we think he said he is for gay marriage/shoe-marriage, as long as the rent is not too high? Gawker has videos. Kristin Davis — the lady who sold hookers to Eliot Spitzer — made an appearance, and she also made everyone uncomfortable with her big breasts. Click on all of these links we have gathered, so that you can learn more about this historic debate. [Gawker/Alex Pareene/Daily Caller/Rent Is 2 Damn High Party]
  • Our shadow government is angry at telecommunication megadeath companies, because all the new cellphone towers (or whatever) have created “technical obstacles” that make it difficult for shadowy government agencies to wiretap people. Not helping the government wiretap people is extremely illegal, according to this article. What? [NYT]
  • “Undecided voters who are about to settle the nation’s most closely watched U.S. Senate race are facing a dilemma: They don’t care for either Harry Reid or Sharron Angle.” How long did it take McClatchy to realize this? Probably not as long as it took us to read that awful New Yorker profile about Harry Reid’s dullness. [McClatchy DC]

It's not rent is too 'darn' high!

 
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{ 64 comments }

Lucidamente1 October 19, 2010 at 8:38 am

Always vote for the candidate with the biggest mutton chops.

MLHencken October 19, 2010 at 9:25 am

Chester A. Arthur, baby.

Negropolis October 19, 2010 at 11:37 pm

That should be enshrined in the Constitution I tells ya.

Negropolis October 20, 2010 at 2:16 am

Oh, and his mutton chops could be their own gubernatorial candidate. Also.

BklynIlluminati October 19, 2010 at 8:39 am

Wait George Clinton is running for gov in NY?? Bring in da funk bro!

Terry October 19, 2010 at 9:03 am

Tear the roof off, we're gonna tear the roof off the mother, sucker
Tear the roof off the sucker

That does sort of fit theme of rent being too high.

BaldarTFlagass October 19, 2010 at 9:04 am

He need the vote
Help him find the vote

MLHencken October 19, 2010 at 9:26 am

One nation, under a groove.

Clinton/Clinton 2012.

deelzebub October 19, 2010 at 10:15 am

I've been to a George Clinton concert. I don't think you could keep the crowd at a George Clinton political rally focused enough to vote.

PsycWench October 19, 2010 at 11:09 am

rent Voters too damn high?

crapshooter102 October 19, 2010 at 8:47 am

I going with the "Low-'Rent candidate" and fulfill my Mother's Prophecy concerning some of the Women I dated. Tho, she used more Bawdier names for my gals.

Kitty_Sanchez October 19, 2010 at 1:09 pm

What about Governor Titsiana Boobarini — bawdy enough for your ma?

GotchaMedia October 19, 2010 at 8:47 am

Jimmy "the rent is too damn high" McMillan stole the crazy mantle from Carl Paladino at last night's debate. Watch the video highlights here: http://bit.ly/9RkpHv

Fare la Volpe October 19, 2010 at 8:47 am

So when can I marry my Manolo Blahniks? I ask because those little bitches have been dropping hints left and right, and you can only refuse heels for so long.

Haha, just kidding. I'm too poor to own shoes. I'm getting a shotgun wedding to a pair of cardboard boxes with tinfoil. They ain't much, but we make it work.

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2010 at 8:55 am

Tinfoil? Man…I wish I had tinfoil. Sigh. Folks like you get all the luck.

finallyhappy October 19, 2010 at 9:19 am

Boxes- you have boxes- why when I was a kid, my family had to share feet .

Fare la Volpe October 19, 2010 at 10:36 am

Share feet? My fam couldn't even afford feet. Each of us had to sell both legs plus an arm and a half just to pay the rent for our remaining arm stub. We had to put a down payment on air. My brother had to take a full-time job as a door-stop. It was moidah, I tells ya. Moidah!

GOPCrusher October 19, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Was his name Matt?

nappyduggs October 19, 2010 at 10:08 am

Gurrrl, get you a Red Sharpie, coat your soles, and voila! Instant Louboutins. If you have chirrens, get another Sharpie and make three stripes or a Swooshie-thingy on their feets. They'll think it's fun and never know that they are little more than filthy little street urchins. It's very poignant.

PsycWench October 19, 2010 at 10:20 am

This biology professor at Liberty U., Daniel Howell, has been preaching the gospel of going barefoot for a while. Does that make him a confirmed bachelor? Or, since Liberty makes him wear shoes to class, is he in a marriage of convenience?
And the biggest question: how the hell did Liberty "University" get a professor who advocates shoelessness? I have it on good authority that the students cannot leave their dorm rooms unless fully clothed, including shoes.

Terry October 19, 2010 at 8:50 am

Sometimes I look at groups of candidates like those at the NY debate and wish my State/region had more eccentric people running. Then, the momentary insanity leaves me and I realize it's much better to look in on these crazy-fests from the outside. Sort of like enjoying following the ups and downs of the British royalty without having to pay their bills.

crapshooter102 October 19, 2010 at 9:13 am

I cannot believe that people in South Carolina would ever say "Thank God for New York." But last night's debate proved the point. We are also on the verge of the Apocalypse, the Mayan Calendar was a year late in their prediction.

Mumbletypeg October 19, 2010 at 9:54 am

And UFO sightings just in time to seal our doom. What more proof do we need, we're sitting ducks.

x111e7thst October 19, 2010 at 8:53 am

The rent is, in fact, too fucking high.

thecryingeagle October 19, 2010 at 10:40 am

Word!

RedneckMuslin October 19, 2010 at 8:54 am

You can't get lower-rent than Palidino.

OurHoboSenator October 19, 2010 at 9:01 am

I eagerly await the VH1 reality show starring Jimmy McMillan and Basil Marceaux.

MLHencken October 19, 2010 at 9:27 am

Wither thou Basil goest…

mumbly_joe October 19, 2010 at 9:13 am

CompleteLower the danged rent!

Ruhe October 19, 2010 at 9:14 am

I was watching the last Borne film last night and I saw no evidence of "technical obstacles" hindering shadowy government agencies.

HistoriCat October 19, 2010 at 9:42 am

Fuckin' bureaucrats have become too lazy to do their jobs!

JustPixelz October 19, 2010 at 10:46 am

Agreed! As the documentary series "24" has shown us, the gov'mint can tap into any cell phone, camera, satellite or computer at will. Plus, the terrorists will tell you anything if you cock your gun and shout the question.

Jukesgrrl October 19, 2010 at 3:20 pm

And all it takes takes to get a satellite to hone in on a car driving through the back roads of a national forest is to type the license plate number into one of them fancy 'puter machines.

TimeCubist October 19, 2010 at 9:24 am

Jimmy McMillan is too damn high.

natoslug October 19, 2010 at 10:56 am

That's a party I could get behind.

JMPEsq October 19, 2010 at 9:24 am

How we gonna pay this year's rent, in New York? It sounds like McMillan is running for the 90s-Broadway-Rock-Opera-turned-into-mediocre-movie-by-horrible-director Party.

mumbly_joe October 19, 2010 at 9:30 am

I still cannot believe that Kristin Davis said all politicians be ho's, and she knows that the only way a ho' learns respect is if you smack them around a bit, but I am like 90% sure that she did say that at one point in that debate.

mumbly_joe October 19, 2010 at 9:34 am

Also, here was no laughter, only stunned silence, because the violence that many sex workers and/or politicians face at the hands of pimps/Kristin Davis isn't funny, even to Paladino voters, possibly.

Kristin Davis is a complete monster, the end.

bitchincamaro2 October 19, 2010 at 7:35 pm

Haha. Wait. That was a woman?!

zhubajie October 19, 2010 at 9:33 am

Chose the woman with gigantic tits! Next election, the man with the biggest dick! It makes no sense, but neither do any of the other conventionally chosen leaders/

Beanball October 19, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Kirsten Davis does, indeed, have large knockers. I would submit, however, that they are not as large as Ms McCain's.

Closer inspection is called for.

<Googles for awhile>

Due to a dearth of cleavage shots of Ms McCain, Kirsten wins!!1!!

Seeing as conventional wisdom holds that hookers are experienced women of the world, it stands to reason that Kirsten Knockers Davis is more qualified than most to hold High Office.

Back to your regularly scheduled snarking.

weejee October 19, 2010 at 9:39 am

McClatchy is surprised by the Nevada undecideds? Why does anyone go to Nevada? For intellectual fulfillment? Naaaah, they go to party. If you were throwing your all time, really all time party who would you invite, Share-hun Angle or the Reidster? Or would you be undecided, hopin' for some other option for that last invite. Maybe invite Riley as a write-in, eh? Too, late you didn't decide so you got Wayne Newton by default.

finallyhappy October 19, 2010 at 9:47 am

Is there something outside of Vegas and Reno? isn't it all desert and lizards and that one famous whorehouse?

JMPEsq October 19, 2010 at 9:52 am

There's also all the old nuclear testing sites, and of course Area 51, the air force base kept secret because it's where the performed the alien autopsies and reverse-engineer technology from their stash of crashed UFOs. Or because test secret experimental aircraft, but that doesn't make as much sense.

Oblios_Cap October 19, 2010 at 9:49 am

Damn net-nanny won't let me view the video and salivate over Kristin's tits. Too much government intrusion, I says!

As for the high rent, take the Tyrone Green approach:

Dark and lonely on a summer's night.
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Watchdog barking. Do he bite?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window. Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck.
Got no reason. What the heck?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
C-I-L-L my land lord!

x111e7thst October 19, 2010 at 9:56 am

Let's lynch the landlord man / I tell them 'turn on the water' / I tell 'em 'turn on the heat' / Tells me 'All you ever do is complain'

prommie October 19, 2010 at 10:06 am

I am Gumby, dammit.

tcaalaw October 19, 2010 at 10:03 am

Not one of the links for the section of the post on the gubernatorial debate had a photo of Kristin Davis. I call epic fail.

bbqboy October 19, 2010 at 10:05 am

Jimmy's Gloves deserve a spot on the ticket .

FairlyRacist October 19, 2010 at 10:15 am

For a Fairly Racist view on Justin McMillan and his hairy chin balls, check out
http://www.fairlyracist.com/?p=54

Enjoy.

Wait..what? October 19, 2010 at 10:16 am

I see an Oscar in Samuel L Jackson's future. A concerned citizen by day, evil landlord fighting vigilante by night. He fights for you because "RENT IS TOO F*CKING HIGH!". I mean the basics are all there – great facial hair, great voice, gloves (!?) and fighting for the poors. What more can you want?

northernbassist October 19, 2010 at 6:34 pm

Snakez. Srsly needs moar snakez. Plane is optional.

johnnyzhivago October 19, 2010 at 10:38 am

I'm so definitely going to run for NJ Governor next time and form the "Deer are eating my Azaela" Party

JadedDissonance October 19, 2010 at 10:38 am

What does McClatchy do all day anyway?

VinnyThePooh October 19, 2010 at 10:40 am

Carl just stands there having visions of Imminent Domain and Gay Detention Camps.

BostonJerry October 19, 2010 at 10:45 am

"It's not 'Rent is too darn high'" Best Alt-text ever.

JustPixelz October 19, 2010 at 10:51 am

Kristin Davis wins because she is a Kristin. I can't think of any better criteria to choose our leaders.

notreelyhelping October 19, 2010 at 11:17 am

A campaign based on "Dear Landlord"? Wake me when we get a campaign based on "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues."

Mindblank October 19, 2010 at 11:50 am

it's a good thing we kicked out all those old shadowy government guys and replaced them with new ones, isn't it? We have more comfy and hopey shadow guys, now.

Guppy06 October 19, 2010 at 11:51 am

RENT is 2 damn hipster.

mrblifil October 19, 2010 at 11:52 am

Since Paladino is a real estate tycoon, and therefore responsible for the damnably high rent, it is a wonder the two were not immediately extinguished in a matter/anti-matter conflagration. Leaving the field clear for Cuomo to accept being added to the ballot as the "Get My Freak On" Party's candidate.

Actually I guess that's sort of what's happening anyway, only slower than the scenario I laid out above. Also.

donner_froh October 19, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Every time Paladino says something horrible, Satan has sex with an endangered woodland creature and then emails the sex tape to all his satanic co-workers/the media

Or the Ruler of Demons could just email it to Paladino, ensuring it got the widest circulation possible.

axmxz October 19, 2010 at 1:04 pm

That photo of McMillan is deceptively tame. His beard is now parted down the middle and resembles two gigantic furred testicles hanging off his chin.

Jukesgrrl October 19, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Teabagger Logic: Rent is too damn high? Elect a landlord as governor.

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