future shock

CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose

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DOUBLE DRUDGE SIREN.What’s the New World Order/Nobama got in store for the Teabaggers on Election Night? Nothing but pain, if these leaked Election 2010 results are to be trusted — and they are “not to be published or broadcast” until the Powers That Be are ready to announce Permanent Halloween for America’s tightly-wound white people. So many important Republican/Teabaggers are losing, with 40% reporting or whatever! Carly Fiorina, John McCain, Richard Shelby, Ken Buck, Christine O’Donnell, Mark Kirk, David Vitter, Sharron Angle, Tom Coburn, even Chuck Grassley … all losers! CONCEDE YOU IDIOT LOSERS, the Associated Press is calling it! And in the biggest upset of the election, Alvin Greene has soundly beaten Jim DeMint, 45%-40%. YES HE CAN!

But Joe Miller is winning, and so is Marco Rubio, so it’s not all gloomy for the Tea Party.

Read ’em all, courtesy of Wonkette operative “Scott S.” and CNBC.com, whose web editors clearly don’t know how to follow the AP’s directions. Is Rick Santelli posting the web stuff now? Because he is definitely dumb enough to do this. Or maybe the AP desk editor put these on the live wire instead of the advisory/bulletin wire or whatever it’s called. (It has been a decade now since your Wonkette editor was a wire editor, sorry.) Anyway, enjoy this idiocy, because it may be the only election-news fun you’ll have this month or next:

These are TEST returns. They must not be broadcast or published.
Published: Monday, 18 Oct 2010 | 2:45 PM ET

1,117 of 2,813 precincts – 40 percent

< William Barnes, Dem 305,553 - 54 percent Richard Shelby, GOP (i) 257,911 - 46 percent Alaska 246 of 438 precincts - 56 percent -Open < Scott McAdams, Dem 52,449 - 38 percent Joe Miller, GOP 58,338 - 42 percent Total Write-In, NPD 4,899 - 4 percent Tim Carter, NPD 7,355 - 5 percent Ted Gianoutsos, NPD 7,368 - 5 percent David Haase, Lib 7,181 - 5 percent Arizona 291 of 2,239 precincts - 13 percent < Rodney Glassman, Dem 86,967 - 46 percent John McCain, GOP (i) 74,118 - 39 percent Jerry Joslyn, Grn 14,364 - 8 percent David Nolan, Lib 14,355 - 8 percent Arkansas 847 of 2,406 precincts - 35 percent < Blanche Lincoln, Dem (i) 53,642 - 30 percent John Boozman, GOP 71,358 - 40 percent John Gray, Grn 17,738 - 10 percent Trevor Drown, Ind 37,317 - 21 percent California 12,396 of 24,753 precincts - 50 percent < Barbara Boxer, Dem (i) 1,896,012 - 43 percent Carly Fiorina, GOP 1,766,185 - 40 percent Marsha Feinland, PFP 203,440 - 5 percent Gail Lightfoot, Lib 173,854 - 4 percent Edward Noonan, AIP 156,952 - 4 percent Duane Roberts, Grn 217,836 - 5 percent Colorado 1,399 of 3,246 precincts - 43 percent < Michael Bennet, Dem (i) 295,879 - 44 percent Ken Buck, GOP 265,463 - 40 percent Bob Kinsey, Grn 20,688 - 3 percent Charley Miller, Una 19,258 - 3 percent J. Moromisato, Una 20,681 - 3 percent Jason Napolitano, INR 23,698 - 4 percent Maclyn Stringer, Lib 20,587 - 3 percent Connecticut 268 of 751 precincts - 36 percent -Open < Richard Blumenthal, Dem 154,767 - 41 percent Linda McMahon, GOP 168,197 - 45 percent John Mertens, CTL 28,287 - 8 percent Warren Mosler, Ind 24,291 - 6 percent Delaware 245 of 436 precincts - 56 percent -Open < Christopher Coons, Dem 67,599 - 36 percent Christine O'Donnell, GOP 62,925 - 33 percent Glenn Miller, IPD 47,525 - 25 percent James Rash, Lib 11,649 - 6 percent Florida 2,179 of 6,951 precincts - 31 percent -Open < Marco Rubio, GOP 687,616 - 38 percent Kendrick Meek, Dem 224,532 - 12 percent Alexander Snitker, Lib 37,820 - 2 percent Bernie DeCastro, CST 34,804 - 2 percent Sue Askeland, NPA 50,884 - 3 percent Bruce Riggs, NPA 37,304 - 2 percent Bobbie Bean, NPA 48,087 - 3 percent Rick Tyler, NPA 45,609 - 3 percent Charlie Crist, Ind 588,901 - 32 percent Lewis Armstrong, NPA 58,015 - 3 percent Georgia 915 of 2,902 precincts - 32 percent < Michael Thurmond, Dem 380,861 - 46 percent Johnny Isakson, GOP (i) 331,000 - 40 percent Chuck Donovan, Lib 123,473 - 15 percent Hawaii 99 of 242 precincts - 41 percent < Daniel Inouye, Dem (i) 47,771 - 43 percent Cam Cavasso, GOP 44,263 - 40 percent Jim Brewer, Grn 2,910 - 3 percent Jeff Jarrett, NP 8,451 - 8 percent Jeff Mallan, Lib 7,304 - 7 percent Idaho 373 of 961 precincts - 39 percent < Tom Sullivan, Dem 44,551 - 39 percent Mike Crapo, GOP (i) 50,058 - 44 percent Randy Bergquist, Con 18,807 - 17 percent Illinois - U.S. Senate 2010 6,566 of 11,579 precincts - 57 percent -Open < Mark Kirk, GOP 1,013,697 - 40 percent Alexi Giannoulias, Dem 1,100,251 - 44 percent LeAlan Jones, Grn 201,557 - 8 percent Mike Labno, Lib 195,438 - 8 percent Indiana 1,716 of 5,306 precincts - 32 percent -Open < Brad Ellsworth, Dem 281,793 - 42 percent Dan Coats, GOP 293,166 - 44 percent Rebecca Sink-Burris, Lib 97,331 - 14 percent Iowa - U.S. Senate 2010 1,501 of 1,873 precincts - 80 percent < Roxanne Conlin, Dem 385,955 - 44 percent Chuck Grassley, GOP (i) 349,023 - 40 percent John Heiderscheit, Lib 133,472 - 15 percent Kansas - U.S. Senate 2010 2,183 of 3,316 precincts - 66 percent -Open < Lisa Johnston, Dem 223,821 - 41 percent Jerry Moran, GOP 244,739 - 44 percent Michael Dann, Lib 42,044 - 8 percent Joe Bellis, RP 39,990 - 7 percent Kentucky 1,517 of 3,578 precincts - 42 percent -Open < Jack Conway, Dem 286,438 - 45 percent Rand Paul, GOP 345,079 - 55 percent Louisiana 831 of 3,877 precincts - 21 percent < Charlie Melancon, Dem 68,162 - 25 percent David Vitter, GOP (i) 56,382 - 20 percent Michael Brown, Ind 8,484 - 3 percent Skip Galan, Ind 11,076 - 4 percent Milton Gordon, Ind 14,000 - 5 percent Randall Hayes, Lib 2,847 - 1 percent Tommy LaFargue, Ind 16,942 - 6 percent Bob Lang, Ind 19,692 - 7 percent William McShan, RP 5,710 - 2 percent Sam H. Melton, Ind 22,232 - 8 percent Mike Spears, Ind 24,692 - 9 percent Ernest Wooton, Ind 25,156 - 9 percent Maryland 599 of 1,840 precincts - 33 percent < Barbara Mikulski, Dem (i) 220,780 - 44 percent Eric Wargotz, GOP 162,614 - 33 percent Kenniss Henry, Grn 52,630 - 11 percent Richard Shawver, CST 60,594 - 12 percent Missouri - U.S. Senate 2010 1,777 of 3,387 precincts - 52 percent -Open < Robin Carnahan, Dem 398,890 - 44 percent Roy Blunt, GOP 360,988 - 40 percent Jonathan Dine, Lib 69,210 - 8 percent Jerry Beck, CST 72,559 - 8 percent Nevada 985 of 2,126 precincts - 46 percent < Harry Reid, Dem (i) 106,219 - 40 percent Sharron Angle, GOP 109,082 - 41 percent Scott Ashjian, TEA 7,947 - 3 percent None of these candidates, NPD 7,110 - 3 percent Tim Fasano, IAP 8,126 - 3 percent Michael Haines, Ind 7,658 - 3 percent Jesse Holland, Ind 6,359 - 2 percent Jeffrey Reeves, Ind 7,562 - 3 percent Wil Stand, Ind 5,836 - 2 percent New Hampshire 125 of 301 precincts - 42 percent -Open < Paul Hodes, Dem 73,688 - 34 percent Kelly Ayotte, GOP 44,926 - 21 percent Ken Blevens, Lib 65,080 - 30 percent Chris Booth, Ind 34,789 - 16 percent New York - U.S. Senate Unexpired Term 8,095 of 16,310 precincts - 50 percent < Kirsten Gillibrand, Dem (i) 1,599,277 - 55 percent Joseph DioGuardi, GOP 994,558 - 34 percent Cecile Lawrence, Grn 63,651 - 2 percent Joseph Huff, Oth 54,159 - 2 percent John Clifton, Lib 65,419 - 2 percent Vivia Morgan, Oth 51,332 - 2 percent Bruce Blakeman, Oth 78,125 - 3 percent New York - U.S. Senate Full Term 7,878 of 16,310 precincts - 48 percent < Charles Schumer, Dem (i) 1,628,058 - 58 percent Jay Townsend, GOP 968,582 - 34 percent Colia Clark, Grn 81,688 - 3 percent Randy Credico, Lib 148,207 - 5 percent North Carolina 1,004 of 2,763 precincts - 36 percent < Elaine Marshall, Dem 514,314 - 45 percent Richard Burr, GOP (i) 455,347 - 40 percent Michael Beitler, Lib 170,563 - 15 percent North Dakota 140 of 505 precincts - 28 percent -Open < Tracy Potter, Dem 13,496 - 38 percent John Hoeven, GOP 9,589 - 27 percent Keith Hanson, Lib 12,658 - 35 percent Ohio 3,837 of 9,910 precincts - 39 percent -Open < Lee Fisher, Dem 603,542 - 39 percent Rob Portman, GOP 666,249 - 44 percent Eric Deaton, CST 84,018 - 5 percent Daniel LaBotz, Soc 84,009 - 5 percent Michael Pryce, NPA 93,360 - 6 percent Oklahoma 650 of 2,229 precincts - 29 percent < Jim Rogers, Dem 115,420 - 44 percent Tom Coburn, GOP (i) 97,590 - 37 percent Stephen Wallace, Ind 12,997 - 5 percent Ronald Dwyer, Ind 38,702 - 15 percent Oregon 233 of 1,000 precincts - 23 percent < Ron Wyden, Dem (i) 93,164 - 40 percent Jim Huffman, GOP 102,890 - 44 percent Bruce Cronk, WF 14,618 - 6 percent Marc Delphine, Lib 12,496 - 5 percent Rick Staggenborg, Prg 12,400 - 5 percent Pennsylvania 3,206 of 9,241 precincts - 35 percent -Open < Joe Sestak, Dem 869,476 - 57 percent Pat Toomey, GOP 653,719 - 43 percent South Carolina 867 of 2,136 precincts - 41 percent < Alvin Greene, Dem 213,297 - 45 percent Jim DeMint, GOP (i) 187,314 - 40 percent Tom Clements, Grn 70,818 - 15 percent South Dakota < x-John Thune, GOP (i) Uncontested Utah 1,177 of 2,148 precincts - 55 percent -Open < Sam Granato, Dem 136,757 - 40 percent Mike Lee, GOP 154,393 - 45 percent Scott Bradley, CST 53,141 - 15 percent Vermont 117 of 260 precincts - 45 percent < Patrick Leahy, Dem (i) 45,273 - 42 percent Len Britton, GOP 36,403 - 34 percent Stephen Cain, Ind 1,822 - 2 percent Peter Diamondstone, Soc 7,388 - 7 percent Cris Ericson, Oth 6,968 - 7 percent Daniel Freilich, Ind 6,465 - 6 percent Johenry Nunes, Ind 2,321 - 2 percent Washington 1,762 of 6,000 precincts - 29 percent < Patty Murray, Dem (i) 245,255 - 47 percent Dino Rossi, GOP 281,969 - 53 percent West Virginia 746 of 1,883 precincts - 40 percent -Open < Joe Manchin, Dem 97,191 - 41 percent John Raese, GOP 100,663 - 43 percent Jeff Becker, CST 18,741 - 8 percent Jesse Johnson, Mnt 18,144 - 8 percent Wisconsin - U.S. Senate 2010 1,740 of 3,608 precincts - 48 percent < Russ Feingold, Dem (i) 355,718 - 40 percent Ron Johnson, GOP 402,562 - 45 percent Rob Taylor, CST 131,674 - 15 percent Copyright 2010 The Associated Press.

[CNBC.com]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • chascates

    Tom Coburn LOST!?!?!?!?! Yoo-hoo!!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    I hear this is going to be the official result after those two guys from the New Black Panthers take over America. One of them has a stick, so we're pretty much helpless against them.

    • Negropolis

      Bwahaha. Verily, it shall be a Shining Negropolis on a Hill. You thought the caning was bad in Singapore. Y'all ain't seen nothin' yet.

  • JMPEsq

    The results came from a mysterious British figure wearing an eight foot long rainbow-colored scarf.

  • Fare la Volpe

    How is Harry Reid neck-and-neck with this woman? Don't the teabaggers hate Slant-eyes just as much as they hate Spics?

  • Extemporanus

    ♪♫ Ricky, don't use that number… ♪♫

    • tcaalaw

      I wish I could give you an extra dozen thumbs up for the Phil Collins reference!

      • GOPCrusher

        Phil Collins?

        • tcaalaw

          I thought he was parodying the line, "Billy, don't you lose my number," from Phil Collins' song "Don't Lose My Number" off of the No Jacket Required album.

  • axmxz

    Ixnay on the uslinmay akeovertay eakagelay…ixnay on the uslinmay akeovertay eakagelay…

  • iburl

    Maybe if we can fake a document that shows that the democrats hold a strong majority in both houses of congress then maybe we can see some backbone and progressive legislation. How's 60/40 in the senate sound?

  • chickensmack

    GOD DAMMIT, DUBYA WON AGAIN. SOMEONE GET DIEBOLD ON THE FUCKING PHONE.

  • Wadisay

    I call bullshit. Blanche Lincoln couldn't get 30% at a family gathering.

  • Mindblank

    Well, am *I* glad *that's* over …

  • savethispatient

    Patty Murray lost to Dino Rossi? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      The chances of that are less than Richard Cohen will be the winning pitcher in game 7 of this year's World Series. Oh, sorry on that, forgots your UK background. …only slightly less than Maggie Thatcher will get tapped to be the bowler on the 2011 All England Cricket team.

  • PocketsTheClown

    If Wyden loses, the GOP will probably make Oregonians wear beaver hats. NO LIKE.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      We don't have enough beavers here any more and I live Beaverton. We would have to use socialist Canadian beavers.

  • axmxz

    Today, all of South Carolina claps with one hand.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I see Rand Paul escaped getting pantsed. Again.

  • harry_palmer

    David Vitter only loses if the white people in LA suddenly turn non-psychopathic. Ain't happenin.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Back in the "old" days, NBC's election results ran on the RCA corporate mainframes in Cherry Hill, NJ. The software was written by RCA Laboratories and was probably a million lines of Cobol or Fortran or some other forgotten computer language.

    The Somerville, NJ data center was shutdown that night – as an emergency backup – and guards were posted to be sure no one attempted to barge in and disrupt anything. All design and manufacturing of semiconductors and vacuum tubes was suspended for the evening.

    Leaks?? You must be joking???

    NBC in those days was a "corporate jewel" and the election night thing was Christmas, Thanksgiving and 4th of July all rolled into one.

    Nowadays I guess the returns are processed on some idiot's iPhone and sent out by Twitter, like everything else these days, a half assed job for a half assed country…

    • HistoriCat

      "A half assed job for a half assed country" – sounds like a great slogan. Which CNN show gets to use it?

    • slappypaddy

      i'm old enough to remember when we had an entire ass. it was tight, too. and it did a hell of a job, day after day.

      time to sob into my gin…

  • savethispatient

    It's funny how spaceship interiors generally look like factories covered in tin-foil too.

    PS: Not next season – they're going to be filming in the US for the first time ever

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      The US doesn't exist, its just a fairy tale made up to scare little socialists.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      Yeah, and the story has the Doctor & Pals showing up in Utah to battle a Secret Mormon Polygamist Army. Well, kind of – it IS set in Utah.

  • nappyduggs

    Horse.Shit. Marco Rubio can't hold a candle to zombie Satchmo.

  • GOPCrusher

    Roxanne Conlin isn't beating Chuck Grassley. She isn't even bothering to air TV or radio ads. We are being bombarded with ads telling us how hard Chuck is working for us, and that he is trying to get a rule passed in the Senate to end the practice of the "secret hold". I guess he thinks that it isn't right that a single Senator can hold up legislation or an appointment from coming up for a vote. Go figure.

    • zhubajie

      What kind of work does he do? Does it involve getting dirt on his fingers?

  • WhatTheHeck

    The lamestream librul mwdia also reported there was a black man as president. I checked, and what do you know, they are right. Maybe these librul media types are not owned by the tea party after all.

  • loquacioustunes

    Well, fuck. Dick Blumenthal, savior of my beloved Connecticut, lost to Linda McMahon, cuntmuffin extraordinaire.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    They totally left off the part where I banged Kirsten Gillibrand.

  • finallyhappy

    Glenn Miller has 25% of the vote in Delaware- damn – a dead bandleader from the 40s can't get more votes than a masturbating witch??

  • SarcasticNymph

    Wonkette is the new Wikileaks.

  • hooray4anything

    Oh, no Wonkette, I'm not falling for this ever again. My friends are still pissed at me for organizing that John Kerry Victory Party

  • MistaEko

    Alvin Greene knows how to pull an October Surprise

    1. be timely
    2. be novel
    3. be of clean hands
    4. be a rising tide to lift all your party's boats

    Somewhere in a war room Karl Rove is pounding his fist on an electoral map and cursing Greene's name.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      5. be of the Way.
      6. be.

  • elpinche

    The repugs love surprises. Pinatavember is around the corner!

  • HistoriCat

    Damn – those SEIU thugs can't do anything right. Back when ACORN was in charge of vote manipulation things were done properly.

    • Tommmcattt

      Plus, financial aid for prostitutes!

      • zhubajie

        Republicunts haven't done this already?

  • http://rubbercat.net rubbercat

    The results already leaked last month on YouTube – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJCs8QI1rsY

    • fauxcault

      Grayson isn't beating Vampire Joe McCarthy in "Get me outta F-L-A" Florida…. a Dwyane Wade/Lebron James Master Blaster couldn't beat Vampire Joe.

  • fuflans

    was this for spellcheck or something?

  • mumbly_joe

    This is great news… for John McCain!!!

    Oh, wait, no it's not.

  • transfatz

    I propose that we call this Gopclap Gate, because this leak is hard for them to take.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    What, they had Alvin Greene winning but they couldn't go ahead and put Scottie McAdams over the top? Fucking AP.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    Cardiff, too. Also.

    • Fare la Volpe

      But that's because there's a trans-dimensional wibbly wobbly hellmouthy vortex super fluxy time capacitor there! It all makes sense if you know your quantonium neurophysics. Neutron flow, also.

  • zhubajie

    Wishful thinking, I fear.

  • notreelyhelping

    Since Greene is an imaginary candidate, does it surprise that he'd win an imaginary election?