Conservative Nerd Blasts Conservative-Nerd Ex On C-SPAN

  'young' conservative love

This is called 'LARPing.'Jonah Goldberg gathered together his crew of conservative nerds on Book TV a couple weeks back to talk about his dumb new book, to which they all contributed. They are the next generation of conservatives, these hip 42-year-olds with elf voices. Everything was going just fine until one elf, Todd Seavey, started alluding to his lengthy bf-gf relationship with the elf sitting next to him, Helen Rittelmeyer. “It might come as a surprise to some of you that we dated for two years, not just because we have ideological differences, but because there are probably some people in this room who also dated Helen during those two years,” said Seavey in the only YouTube video featuring him other human beings will ever watch. This all made Jonah very uncomfortable/horny.

“I learned very quickly, AT YALE, WHERE I WENT.” Haha, that lady was just asking for it. How dare this woman hurt that elf’s feelings by sleeping with other conservative nerd-elves?

Yes, this all was up on C-SPAN, but the viewers didn’t understand what was going on, because the people on the panel were not talking about the colored man. And Georgetown University paid for this whole event, because Catholics are really into Catholics who are really into “perversion.”

This guy was really hurt by his ex-girlfriend elf. He also placed a personal ad on the Internet one time, and it’s basically all about this lady:

I don’t really care if you vow never to do this to me — that isn’t good enough. If you’ve ever done this to anyone — wasting not only your time and the fella’s but the time of all the other people whose schedules were disrupted by your lies, from restaurant staffs dealing with canceled reservations to other people who might have met with the fella on the nights blocked out for your illusory outings — you are, I am afraid, a terrible, selfish fiend of a human being, and I really don’t want you as a friend, let alone a date or girlfriend. Yes, that’s right — you are evil. How does it feel — the evil, I mean? Bet you thought being a Hitler or a Jack the Ripper would feel a lot different than being you. But it doesn’t. You’re living the being-evil experience. Please live it without me, though.

This guy should’ve turned to his right when he was on this panel. Sitting there next to him was a true life partner who would never hurt his feelings. [Daily Caller]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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116 comments

    1. PsycWench

      Send this clip to Rush Limbaugh who famously accused liberal women of being unattractive. ET TU, Rushbo?

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    I didn't listen, but they look like they're made for each other. Or they look like they're siblings, I can't make up my mind. Either way, I'm relieved to hear that they aren't going to procreate.

  2. OneYieldRegular

    I know next to nothing about "Dungeons and Dragons," but from what little I do know I'm assuming this is how it's played?

  3. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I changed my mind, abstinence only education is a good idea…. at least for these people.

    1. Rotundo_

      I don't think reproducing is in the cards for this lady, I think she would eat her young before sharing anything like food or breast milk with them. Given the rugged good looks of the men on the panel, I don't think they'd approach without the benefit of an aluminum softball bat or a tranquilizer dart gun, and that is doubtful since neither could figure out the workings of them, either weapons or women.

  4. metamarcisf

    I'm not familar with this at all. Are these people aliens, or Vulcans, or elf-people or what? Are we looking at the nacent Romney cabinet circa 2013?

  5. Wadisay

    After contemplating these persons' relationship, the thought of reproducing by sending out rhizomes seems infinitely preferable.

  6. slappypaddy

    "the only YouTube video featuring him other human beings will ever watch."

    i'm so glad i'm a cat.

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    Just great, I'm trying to have lunch, you mention J-Go being horny, and now I have to clean my computer screen. Thank you very much.

  8. lumpenprole

    Maybe I need to know more but what I'm getting out of that personal ad is "flake = Hitler." Don't these people have any sense of proportion at all?

    "POL POT! STALIN! Bad cats! You missed the litter box again! It's a bigger mess than the Ukrainian famine in here! Guess I'll have to clean this up before my roommate, the NKVD goon who snores, sees it."

  9. FidoMcCokefiend

    I kept waiting for Todd to say "You know how when you grab a woman's breast… it feels like… a bag of sand."

  10. PsycWench

    1) I did not know that conservatives could also be emo 15-year-olds.

    2) Are we sure this clip is of humans in 2010 and not, say, dubbed voices over a clip from the early 1950s?

      1. Jukesgrrl

        No. The Mad People are retro-chic. This is retro-creep. Perhaps this could be auditions from the early days of Firing Line. Did somebody say, "Soviet bloc"?

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    That clip should be all grainy and scratchy and black & white and filmed 50 years ago. Dude looks like a early-60s Bircher that got himself ahold of a time machine. Cool haircut, oo-rah!

    ETA Dammit, 60 seconds too late!!

    1. schvitzatura

      No one is smoking. Helen is tapping her antique Jobon lighter on the table, jonesin' for sweet, sweet N. tabacum

  12. JMPEsq

    We all get hurt by members of our preferred sex sometimes, but the place to whine about it is at a bar with friends, not on national TV (even if it's just C-SPAN instead of a channel people watch). This is just pathetic.

  13. Beowoof

    I watched the whole exchange and I have to say that is one mean ugly woman. And boyfriend said she took on the role of seductress, who was she seducing, my vote would be for a descendant of Rin Tin Tin or that Paladino horse.

  14. Not_So_Much

    All this public nastiness could have been avoided if she hadn't threatened to withhold the strap-on from Legolas, or whatever.

  15. Katydid

    Well, at least she admits that she likes to see people suffer. I'm frankly surprised he's not into that.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      No, he is into it! He just wanted to have it all played out in public. I guess you could call him an emotional exhibitionist. The sexual dynamic is implied, which is why J-Load Doughpants (props to Sadly, No!) was, as Jack noted, "very uncomfortable/horny".

      Right-wing nerd sexuality…..ewwwww.

  16. SexySmurf

    By the time I got to "Burkean bent" I stopped caring. And I assume "Burkean bent" is Conserva-elf for "bi-curious".

    1. 7pilesofwisdom

      By the time the Burkean bent, I just quit — I know Halloween is coming, but that's too much of a preview. This wasn't a book club so much as it was a commiserating ensemble of baby wingnuts angry that they missed the Reagan parade by 20 years — like an evil 12-step program. What a colossal waste of higher education! Too late to coattail Cheney, too pseudo-intellectual for the tea party and too wussy to join a militia — they are squat outta luck.

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    So, basically, the next generation of Conservatives are the Kardashians, only not quite as witty?

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    I wasn't into the whole bullying thing at all in high school, but I definitely would have knocked that guy's books to the floor, given him a wedgie up to his shoulders, and pantsed him in coed gym class.

  19. Mort_Sinclair

    Okay, two things.

    1. They look disturbingly like siblings.

    2. They both look like anthropomorphized voles–suspended in some larval stage of development. Jeebus, there's blond and there's maggot. Eww.

  20. AlaskaGrrl

    Again with the Hitler thing! What, the waitress forgets to refill the coffee and she Hitler? The 7-11 clerk doesn't have the latest issue of Hustler for them and he's Hitler? The batteries die in the remote and their Hitler? They're like two year olds, every body and everything that doesn't please them, it's Hitler. I wouldn't be at all surprised to read one of them quoted as saying "You poo poo Hitler head!" in response to Rachel Maddow.

    When are these conservative nimrods going to admit that they all just loves them some Hitler? Then they can then start their own teevee show "Goose Stepping with the Stars".

    1. chicken_thief

      That's what too much Glenn Beck will get you… I didn't bother with the video – did Emo-elf break out a chalkboard?

  21. elviouslyqueer

    Two whiny elflets are quite enough on their own, Jack, but incorporating ole Puddin' Cup's screech-cackle-call of the Undead is just plain mean.

  22. BornInATrailer

    What kind of cookies, baked by a magic oven inside of a hollow tree, will Seavey make next? Bitterscotch? Chocolate Chip-on-his-Shoulder? E. L. Helen?

    OK, I'm done.

  23. DoktorZoom

    "I think you'll find a lot of Helen's positions are guided by the desire to increase suffering…"

    Jebus, kids, GET A ROOM! Preferably one with ring-bolts in the walls and ceilings.

  24. Guppy06

    If he'd just had the standard dating contract drawn up, like all good little libertarians should, he wouldn't have had this problem. Don't forget the exclusivity clause!

  25. Sue4466

    She likes suffering and is proud of being combative. Sounds like a wonderful human being and we should all take her views very seriously.

  26. Neilist

    A "young" (:::harupmh:::) 42 year old conservative male claiming to have been in a HETEROSEXUAL relationship for two years?

    As a registered Republican, I call BULLSHIT.

    Jack, if you're going to be lured into publishing this kind of obviously untrue story — without demanding video — I will lose all my respect for Wonkette.

    But then, I never had any in the first instance.

    P.S. Where did he get that haircut? The last time I saw a crew cut to equal it, my 8th Grade History teacher was throwing us out because we tried to recite Mark Twain's "The War Prayer" during "Why We're Fighting In South East Asia Day."

    1. DoktorZoom

      OK, Neilist, with that Twain reference, you are now on my "Pretty much OK, anyway, for a compulsive asshole" list. Funny and depressing, innit, how "The War Prayer" keeps being useful?

      1. Neilist

        Just like you Communist Pinko Liberal SCUM to try to suck up to that asshole Neilist.

        ("Compulsive asshole:? As opposed to "well balanced asshole"?)

        Anyway, "The War Prayer" should be required reading. Not as funny as "The Innocents Abroad." But worth reading nonetheless.

        "Damn, damn, damn the Filipino! We'll civilize him with the Krag!"

  27. walstib

    TROLLS!! WE GOT SOME TROLLS LOOSE ON TEH CSPAN!!!!

    I say that cause they're too fugli to be elves cause I seen one for reals an she looked like Aerosmith's daughter.

    TROLLS I SAY!!!

  28. DoktorZoom

    That Seavey guy sounds like "Fenway Bergamot," Laurie Anderson's "voice of authority" character, especially the high squeaky vowels. Where's the synthesizer?

    (Apologies if this double-posts; it was up for a minute then vanished)

  29. PsycWench

    Now if Female Elf reflected the "Yale values" of which Christine O'Donnell spoke disparagingly, I would have to concede her point.

  30. CParkette

    In addition to making me support abstinence-only education, these two have made me doubt evolution.

  31. OhHellToTheNo

    This question is for the colored man who might be somewhere in the room:

    Why are you sitting in this panel? Haven't you done enough to hate yourself?

    In related news, Todd Seavey was especially disappointed to learn that Helen had moved on to the Democratic caller from Westchester immediately after their relationship failed.

  32. Kitty_Sanchez

    I'd bet money the people on that panel used to get wedgies when they were in middle school.

    Jack, it's a testament to how much I love you that I actually watched that clip. It was even worse/funnier than I expected: physically unappealing right-wing nerds discussing the finer distinctions between their political subcategories. They went and got fancy educations so they can use big words and sophisticated ways to describe their views (except, obviously, for avaricious goblin, or rationalized selfishness, or sociopathy), and meet up with other nerds who are guaranteed to be just as ugly on the inside, where it really counts.

  33. BTWBFDIMHO

    Bet you thought being a Hitler or a Jack the Ripper would feel a lot different than being you.
    Why don't just call her…Obama?

  34. OhHellToTheNo

    Great, it looks like I'm going to have to break this one down to you libruls (yet again!)

    States rights! States rights!

    This means that Todd had a right to go off on his ex-ladyfriend on C-Span Rogue. He issued a statement and he had a right to do that. To quote one Whitney Houston: "It's not right but it's okay (because of states rights!)"

    Personal Responsibility:

    There's a good chance that they had a shared responsibility in the failure of their relationship but under the rules of personal responsibility, only one person can be blamed for this. That person had to be Helen.

    Free market:

    Helen was very demanding and when Todd was supplying enough manliness for her, she went elsewhere. Probably Match.com, which is a meat market. She is free to do that because she's a libertarian who has needs that can't be contained by the bureaucracy of love.

    Smaller government:

    While libertarians love small government, Todd's, er, government was just too small and ineffective. Being with Todd's smaller government was far too taxing for Helen.

  35. mookwrthwilson

    Was that woman born about 8 and a half mos premature??? I am seriously going to have nightmares thinking of that woman's face and head…

  36. Terry

    "you are, I am afraid, a terrible, selfish fiend of a human being, and I really don’t want you as a friend, let alone a date or girlfriend. Yes, that’s right — you are evil. How does it feel — the evil, I mean? Bet you thought being a Hitler or a Jack the Ripper would feel a lot different than being you. But it doesn’t. You’re living the being-evil experience. "

    Maybe because I went to a silly old State University, but I have never ever said such a thing about an ex. Does Godwin's Law apply away from the Internet?

  37. BornInATrailer

    Best part of that is the laughter. I would like all the laughs dubbed together, maybe a second apart, to really appreciate it's increasingly uncomfortable quality.

    Might make a good ring tone.

  38. Beetagger

    Helen has a forehead like a drive-in movie screen. Also… Todd and Lisa Loopner from SNL old school. "Hey, you'd better put something on those mosquito bites so they don't get infected."

  39. anteater

    The personal ad is Hysterical!!!!
    Man, she must give one nasty blowjob, 'cause that is a bitter little dude.
    I love the "high and tight" haircut although her style was lacking as well.

    Do I Hear Wedding Bells??

    1. stew1

      If his balls had a vagina, he wouldn't have to worry about getting his heart broken (or leaving the house, ever).

  40. MiniMencken

    I see the seed of Christopher Guest's next movie, now that he has made fun of folksingers, little theater groups and dog show enthusiasts. Earnest right-wing psuedointellectuals trying to live their lives according to Ayn Rand or Anne Coulter are pure comedy gold.

  41. crapshooter102

    Hey Jack; I noticed that Seavey claims Helen had other Lovers during his sexy time with her. Was it you? If true please do not show the viideo, it is too early in the AM.

  42. Dr_pangloss

    Because deep in the heart of every conservative is, as 'the girl' puts it, a "pervy, sticky, wanker", that desires punishment, whippings and debasement.

    Who would date that melon-headed beast anyway?

  43. Thedongsofwar

    "Off the top of my head what do I think is out of bounds?"

    I'd say the last 5 mins or so. Lol.

Comments are closed.