DISTRICT OF CORD  11:34 am October 18, 2010

DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans

by Cord Jefferson

But yoga is for GIRLS, Cord.Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad at some burger joint and the burger joint people are all, “Screw you, stupid lawyers” — meaning, they lost to the law firm. I am an unpatriotic vegetarian, so it is educational to watch people get angry about the ground-meat sandwiches!

Rogue States is a hamburger restaurant that was hailed as the best hamburger restaurant in DC by USA Today. (Normally, I wouldn’t even line a child’s cage with USA Today, but, given that it is the Paper of Record for American slobs, I’m inclined to trust its opinion on grilled cow patties slathered in yellow cheese.) Steptoe & Johnson is a law firm with a really fake-sounding name. Normally, Washington lawyers love their red meat, which they eat in mass quantities at fancy dinners to celebrate not getting busted for sexual harassment yet. But not Steptoe! Steptoe is apparently a dainty law firm — gay area! — and ever since Rogue States moved in below it on Connecticut Avenue, the lawyers say they’ve been choking on burger fumes all day long. Poor ventilation is generally something you can remedy out of court, but, fuck it — SUE THEM, LAWYERS! SUE THEM!

And sue them they did, to ensure “the health and safety of their employees.” Rogue States has been forced to shut down, because a bunch of lawyers can’t stand the delicious aroma of perfectly grilled anus burgers. God bless our litigious United States, and God bless how angry people are getting about not being able to eat Rogue States hamburgers anymore, as if there aren’t Five Guys everywhere.

TBD reported on this national/local tragedy:

“You smell food everywhere you go around here. It’s kind of what you expect in Dupont,” said Eric Dunner.

Another customer said about Steptoe, “They’re ruining it for everyone and it’s a very clear abuse of the legal system.”

“I’m really bummed out. I really wanted a burger!” said customer Michael Ono.

Eric Dunner is misinformed. Obviously what you’re smelling in Dupont is gays.

For his part, Rogue States’ owner, Raynold Mendizabal (another fake name?), has put up a really funny passive aggressive sign in the window of his now closed burger stand. It was too rainy to get a decent picture of it, but if you’re in the area, swing by and take in some quality lulz at the expense of the judge who ruled against Mendizabal, John M. Mott, and those snide Steptoe vegans.

All of this could have been avoided if Rogue States’ landlord would have let him install a new exhaust system. But the landlord said no, probably because he knows he can rent the place to Cosi or Chop’t or Starbucks or Au Bon Pain or Subway as soon as Rogue States is gone, and they microwave everything, like good Americans.

Mendizabal says he’s going to move to 14th and U, where everyone’s a bit poorer and, thus, cooler. Mo’ money, mo’ problems, you know?

For more evidence about Steptoe’s (alleged) LIES, here’s some cool-ass amateur detective cold getting to the bottom of this “ventilation problem.” He smells no burgers, lawyers! J’accuse!

Cord Jefferson’s column usually appears Thursdays on Wonkette, unless we already had a post about this hamburger stand, in which case his column will appear the following Monday. Also he is always on the Twitter, just cold ordering super-vegetarian burgers.

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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bureaucrap October 18, 2010 at 11:39 am

If dupont is for gays, how come there are so many straight people there? Go back to Silver Spring, you d*&n straight people!

Terry October 18, 2010 at 12:13 pm

No, send them to Bethesda. If they're paying the prices for rentals and food in DuPont, they'll be happier on the pricier side of Rock Creek Park.

Beowoof October 18, 2010 at 11:40 am

As a carneverous lawyer, I can only say this time you fuckers have gone to far.

ph7 October 18, 2010 at 11:46 am

Relax, we can still eat our young.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 18, 2010 at 12:02 pm

I'll stick to my Hot Buttered Groat Clusters than you very much.

slappypaddy October 18, 2010 at 12:47 pm

with red beans and reds on the side.

V572625694 October 18, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Heavy on the thirty-weight, Mom!

V572625694 October 18, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Remember the great "Simpsons" episode where Lisa becomes a vegetarian, and Troy McClure does a pro-meat film? Here:

freakishlywrong October 18, 2010 at 12:06 pm

You don't win friends with salad.

Beowoof October 18, 2010 at 12:12 pm

You may if you toss the salad.

SayItWithWookies October 18, 2010 at 12:06 pm

They're lawyers who don't like the smell of acrid, noxious bull? Objection, your honor — if plaintiffs stuck to their principles they'd cease to exist.

SmutBoffin October 18, 2010 at 12:08 pm


Oblios_Cap October 18, 2010 at 12:17 pm

He's like the black version of Barney on "How I Met Your Mother".

prommie October 18, 2010 at 12:12 pm

You know whats the first thing we should do? Present company excepted, of course, we are the "good ones."

slappypaddy October 18, 2010 at 12:55 pm

yes, i do, and after they've been gutted and skinned, they can be roasted on a spit, baked with apples, made into sausage, fried with grits, boiled with greens, sauteed with garlic and snow peas, or cut into long strips that are then salted and dried in a hickory smoking shed.

there are many ways in which attorneys can be served. they go very well with hobo beans, too!

bureaucrap October 18, 2010 at 12:57 pm

speak for yourself. I love being an evil lawyer. It gives me a chance to twirl my mustache around my index finger at least four times a day.

Beowoof October 18, 2010 at 3:34 pm

I saw Fried Green Tomatoes and think the republican ones would make some damn fine barbecue.

mrblifil October 18, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Stupid restaurant owner. Didn't he realize the easiest way to fend off the suits is to cry "racism?" Doesn't even matter what color you are, JUST SAY IT.

prommie October 18, 2010 at 12:24 pm

And Hussein Nobama is telling people how to vote, too. Thats flagrant commie fascism. That Sherrif is so near.

H Curve October 18, 2010 at 12:25 pm

But the goat only wanted to cross the bridge and get some of that sweet, sweet grass on the other side…

Lascauxcaveman October 18, 2010 at 12:26 pm

I has a confused. We have a Ken Layne byline on a District of Cord (Jefferson) column. Is Cord Jefferson the name Ken uses when performing in blackface?

Ken Layne October 18, 2010 at 3:18 pm

No it's the name Ken Layne uses because he's logged in and Cord won't input his own fucking columns.

finallyhappy October 18, 2010 at 12:26 pm

You need some Jamaicans-they know what to do with wild goat!

BaldarTFlagass October 18, 2010 at 12:27 pm

I'm still waiting for Mayor McCheese and that creepy always-smiling Burger King guy to offer their opinion on this matter.

SmutBoffin October 18, 2010 at 12:35 pm

That Wendy chick was unavailable for comment – she is in rehab with Lindsay Lohan.

Weenus299 October 18, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Try going into court smelling like a grease pit. It's demoralizing! Poor Lawyas.

chicken_thief October 18, 2010 at 12:39 pm

All future leases for the premises will contain a provision for a 15 day trial period to allow Steptoe & Johnson to evaluate the acceptability of any odors produced by the lessee and under no circumstances are the new tenets allowed to eat beans, chili, or eggs for lunch.

awesome_dude October 18, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Image/alt text needs to be fixed or something. Girls doing yoga is distracting when I'm trying to read about anus burgers.

xsluggo October 18, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Not all lawyers are litigators, but all litigators are lawyers. Kilmeade told me so.

prommie October 18, 2010 at 1:42 pm

What you need is a bridge-troll, they know how to take care of a billy goat gruff. Call Candy Crowley.

DemmeFatale October 18, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Where did the "anus burger" thing come from? The graphic, gruesome video I refuse to click on?
And while we're at it, what is a "pudding cup" beard?

(I'm old.)

ShaveTheWhales October 18, 2010 at 5:51 pm

1. Angus – g on some sign.

2. Xine OD's pudgy Xian rocker possible boyfriend.

qwerty42 October 18, 2010 at 5:37 pm

It appears the mountain goat militia members are not covered by the Geneva Code and the terrorist who killed the hiker was tried by some sort of tribunal and executed. Never Forget!!!

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