Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad at some burger joint and the burger joint people are all, “Screw you, stupid lawyers” — meaning, they lost to the law firm. I am an unpatriotic vegetarian, so it is educational to watch people get angry about the ground-meat sandwiches!
Rogue States is a hamburger restaurant that was hailed as the best hamburger restaurant in DC by USA Today. (Normally, I wouldn’t even line a child’s cage with USA Today, but, given that it is the Paper of Record for American slobs, I’m inclined to trust its opinion on grilled cow patties slathered in yellow cheese.) Steptoe & Johnson is a law firm with a really fake-sounding name. Normally, Washington lawyers love their red meat, which they eat in mass quantities at fancy dinners to celebrate not getting busted for sexual harassment yet. But not Steptoe! Steptoe is apparently a dainty law firm — gay area! — and ever since Rogue States moved in below it on Connecticut Avenue, the lawyers say they’ve been choking on burger fumes all day long. Poor ventilation is generally something you can remedy out of court, but, fuck it — SUE THEM, LAWYERS! SUE THEM!
And sue them they did, to ensure “the health and safety of their employees.” Rogue States has been forced to shut down, because a bunch of lawyers can’t stand the delicious aroma of perfectly grilled anus burgers. God bless our litigious United States, and God bless how angry people are getting about not being able to eat Rogue States hamburgers anymore, as if there aren’t Five Guys everywhere.
“You smell food everywhere you go around here. It’s kind of what you expect in Dupont,” said Eric Dunner.
Another customer said about Steptoe, “They’re ruining it for everyone and it’s a very clear abuse of the legal system.”
“I’m really bummed out. I really wanted a burger!” said customer Michael Ono.
Eric Dunner is misinformed. Obviously what you’re smelling in Dupont is gays.
For his part, Rogue States’ owner, Raynold Mendizabal (another fake name?), has put up a really funny passive aggressive sign in the window of his now closed burger stand. It was too rainy to get a decent picture of it, but if you’re in the area, swing by and take in some quality lulz at the expense of the judge who ruled against Mendizabal, John M. Mott, and those snide Steptoe vegans.
All of this could have been avoided if Rogue States’ landlord would have let him install a new exhaust system. But the landlord said no, probably because he knows he can rent the place to Cosi or Chop’t or Starbucks or Au Bon Pain or Subway as soon as Rogue States is gone, and they microwave everything, like good Americans.
Mendizabal says he’s going to move to 14th and U, where everyone’s a bit poorer and, thus, cooler. Mo’ money, mo’ problems, you know?
For more evidence about Steptoe’s (alleged) LIES, here’s some cool-ass amateur detective cold getting to the bottom of this “ventilation problem.” He smells no burgers, lawyers! J’accuse!
Cord Jefferson’s column usually appears Thursdays on Wonkette, unless we already had a post about this hamburger stand, in which case his column will appear the following Monday. Also he is always on the Twitter, just cold ordering super-vegetarian burgers.