district of cord

DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans

But yoga is for GIRLS, Cord.Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad at some burger joint and the burger joint people are all, “Screw you, stupid lawyers” — meaning, they lost to the law firm. I am an unpatriotic vegetarian, so it is educational to watch people get angry about the ground-meat sandwiches!

Rogue States is a hamburger restaurant that was hailed as the best hamburger restaurant in DC by USA Today. (Normally, I wouldn’t even line a child’s cage with USA Today, but, given that it is the Paper of Record for American slobs, I’m inclined to trust its opinion on grilled cow patties slathered in yellow cheese.) Steptoe & Johnson is a law firm with a really fake-sounding name. Normally, Washington lawyers love their red meat, which they eat in mass quantities at fancy dinners to celebrate not getting busted for sexual harassment yet. But not Steptoe! Steptoe is apparently a dainty law firm — gay area! — and ever since Rogue States moved in below it on Connecticut Avenue, the lawyers say they’ve been choking on burger fumes all day long. Poor ventilation is generally something you can remedy out of court, but, fuck it — SUE THEM, LAWYERS! SUE THEM!

And sue them they did, to ensure “the health and safety of their employees.” Rogue States has been forced to shut down, because a bunch of lawyers can’t stand the delicious aroma of perfectly grilled anus burgers. God bless our litigious United States, and God bless how angry people are getting about not being able to eat Rogue States hamburgers anymore, as if there aren’t Five Guys everywhere.

TBD reported on this national/local tragedy:

“You smell food everywhere you go around here. It’s kind of what you expect in Dupont,” said Eric Dunner.

Another customer said about Steptoe, “They’re ruining it for everyone and it’s a very clear abuse of the legal system.”

“I’m really bummed out. I really wanted a burger!” said customer Michael Ono.

Eric Dunner is misinformed. Obviously what you’re smelling in Dupont is gays.

For his part, Rogue States’ owner, Raynold Mendizabal (another fake name?), has put up a really funny passive aggressive sign in the window of his now closed burger stand. It was too rainy to get a decent picture of it, but if you’re in the area, swing by and take in some quality lulz at the expense of the judge who ruled against Mendizabal, John M. Mott, and those snide Steptoe vegans.

All of this could have been avoided if Rogue States’ landlord would have let him install a new exhaust system. But the landlord said no, probably because he knows he can rent the place to Cosi or Chop’t or Starbucks or Au Bon Pain or Subway as soon as Rogue States is gone, and they microwave everything, like good Americans.

Mendizabal says he’s going to move to 14th and U, where everyone’s a bit poorer and, thus, cooler. Mo’ money, mo’ problems, you know?

For more evidence about Steptoe’s (alleged) LIES, here’s some cool-ass amateur detective cold getting to the bottom of this “ventilation problem.” He smells no burgers, lawyers! J’accuse!

Cord Jefferson’s column usually appears Thursdays on Wonkette, unless we already had a post about this hamburger stand, in which case his column will appear the following Monday. Also he is always on the Twitter, just cold ordering super-vegetarian burgers.

About the author

Originally from Tucson, Arizona, Cord Jefferson now lives in Washington where he reports for The Root, Slate and Wonkette. He has only one kidney after donating the second to his once-ill father.

View all articles by Cord Jefferson
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33 comments

  1. bureaucrap

    If dupont is for gays, how come there are so many straight people there? Go back to Silver Spring, you d*&n straight people!

    1. Terry

      No, send them to Bethesda. If they're paying the prices for rentals and food in DuPont, they'll be happier on the pricier side of Rock Creek Park.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    They're lawyers who don't like the smell of acrid, noxious bull? Objection, your honor — if plaintiffs stuck to their principles they'd cease to exist.

  3. prommie

    You know whats the first thing we should do? Present company excepted, of course, we are the "good ones."

    1. slappypaddy

      yes, i do, and after they've been gutted and skinned, they can be roasted on a spit, baked with apples, made into sausage, fried with grits, boiled with greens, sauteed with garlic and snow peas, or cut into long strips that are then salted and dried in a hickory smoking shed.

      there are many ways in which attorneys can be served. they go very well with hobo beans, too!

    2. bureaucrap

      speak for yourself. I love being an evil lawyer. It gives me a chance to twirl my mustache around my index finger at least four times a day.

  4. mrblifil

    Stupid restaurant owner. Didn't he realize the easiest way to fend off the suits is to cry "racism?" Doesn't even matter what color you are, JUST SAY IT.

  5. prommie

    And Hussein Nobama is telling people how to vote, too. Thats flagrant commie fascism. That Sherrif is so near.

  6. H Curve

    But the goat only wanted to cross the bridge and get some of that sweet, sweet grass on the other side…

  7. Lascauxcaveman

    I has a confused. We have a Ken Layne byline on a District of Cord (Jefferson) column. Is Cord Jefferson the name Ken uses when performing in blackface?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm still waiting for Mayor McCheese and that creepy always-smiling Burger King guy to offer their opinion on this matter.

  9. chicken_thief

    All future leases for the premises will contain a provision for a 15 day trial period to allow Steptoe & Johnson to evaluate the acceptability of any odors produced by the lessee and under no circumstances are the new tenets allowed to eat beans, chili, or eggs for lunch.

  10. awesome_dude

    Image/alt text needs to be fixed or something. Girls doing yoga is distracting when I'm trying to read about anus burgers.

  11. prommie

    What you need is a bridge-troll, they know how to take care of a billy goat gruff. Call Candy Crowley.

  12. DemmeFatale

    Where did the "anus burger" thing come from? The graphic, gruesome video I refuse to click on?
    And while we're at it, what is a "pudding cup" beard?

    (I'm old.)

  13. qwerty42

    It appears the mountain goat militia members are not covered by the Geneva Code and the terrorist who killed the hiker was tried by some sort of tribunal and executed. Never Forget!!!

Comments are closed.