flotus files

World’s Most Powerful Lady Mingles With Peasants, Cures Disabled

That's MRS. Flotus to you ...Our sassy FLOTUS stirred up some controversy last week when she stopped on the South Side of Chicago to cast an early vote, and then whispered to a bunch of people that they better vote Democrat, or else. This made some people angry, because they thought maybe it violated an Illinois state law (or not),) and also because everyone knows that Michelle Obama can, with her words and her giant accessories, force Americans to do all sorts of things they would otherwise avoid, like voting a certain way, or exercising. She has super powers, our FLOTUS, and she used them just a few days prior to the voting non-incident to freak out a bunch of strangers.

Last Tuesday, Michelle Obama got bored of force-feeding broccoli to America’s obese children and decided to wander aimlessly through the White House, greeting a suspiciously diverse crowd of visitors that included an Italian lady, some disabled folks, and a toddler boy wearing a cape.

In this exciting FLOTUS footage, we learn that Sasha and Malia want to move to Italy, which is very unpatriotic of them, no? The Angry Grizzly Lady will probably love this news, because in her White House, no one would set foot on foreign soil, unless it’s for the television. But taking a look at this video, it seems that our FLOTUS is the one who really deserves her own teevee show. For starters, she clearly has a brilliant casting director. Or do you have to audition now, to get a tour of the White House? Also, everyone loves her sidekick dog, Bo. He can probably do more tricks than Sarah Palin’s sidekick children. Couldn’t you watch Michelle and Bo hug children and talk to deaf people together, for hours? [Condé Nast Traveler]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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52 comments

  1. V572625694

    Woulda been cool if one of the "random" visitors had been some kid in baggy satin shorts, flip-flops and a sideways ball hat. "Who're you?" he would've asked. Michelle would say, "I clean up around here."

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Dolly Madison was supposedly pretty nice, and Rosalyn Carter is a hoot (at least based on her Daily Show appearance). Michelle's sartorial inspiration is plainly Jackie, but she comes across as much more approachable – gardening with kids will do that.

  2. DaSandman

    Well, I'm sure Bristol, with her reproductive head start on most of the female sex, could breed us an entire trapeze act in about 18 months. FLOTUS could install the show on the front lawn of the WH, thereby creating some sort of low end hands across the aisle snowbilly detante with the Repugs. And saving the Democtraic Party.

  3. JMPEsq

    This is all very good, but can Michelle pull off a convincing Joker impression while wandering the White House aimlessly in a prescription drug-induced daze, like certain other first ladies?

  4. freakishlywrong

    In all seriousness, I don't, or can't, for the life of me understand the laser like, visceral hatred of these people. She exudes a natural warmth and grace to be admired.
    Bo is a vicious bitch compared to the FLOTUS.

    I just don't get it.

    1. V572625694

      Does not comply w/coveted prejudices = severe cognitive dissonance = apoplectic rage channeled through Fox News and shellacked w/Glenn Beck "logic" = HATE BAD EVIL

    2. 4TheTurnstiles

      People who dislike themselves and don't know why, people who feel powerless and stupid because they are powerless and stupid but can't put that feeling into words and just stew in resentment and rage, people who are lazy and proud to be lazy… well, that's America today: a culture of self-loathing resentment that lashes out against anything that isn't also self-loathing and resentful. If you're Competent, you're Evil because you're Bettern Us.

      1. Bezoar

        I guess your right, but am I better than that because I know why I dislike myself, I admit to my powerlessness and stupidity, I strive to avoid feeling resentment and rage, and I'm lazy but ashamed of it (sort of)?

        1. 4TheTurnstiles

          pfft. Y'all elitists are all the same. I know because I have no clue what you're saying and that makes me angrier than a Labor Day yeast infection. Remember that when Jesus comes!!!1!

        2. HELisforHEL

          You show signs of self-reflection, clearly a commie trait. And intelligence–socialist behavior for certain. And can admit to your shortcomings–what are you, weak?
          Anyone intelligent, introspective and honest about themselves is suspect in USofA!!1!!! today. The W model-stupid, kinda jocky (or cheerleady in his case), and capable of bearing a 'Fear This' fake-Calvin-pissing sticker on their SUV is the epitome of American Awesomeness for the republitards and Neo-Cons.
          This suspicion is doubled if you happen to be the owner of darker pigmentation. Which is what I think is at the heart of some people's wrath towards our truly fabulous Flotus.

      2. HistoriCat

        It's not a new thing. Mark Twain captured the spirit perfectly:

        "a mulatter, most as white as a white man. He had the whitest shirt on you ever see, too, and the shiniest hat; and there ain't a man in that town that's got as fine clothes as what he had; and he had a gold watch and chain, and a silver-headed cane — the awfulest old gray-headed nabob in the State. And what do you think? They said he was a p'fessor in a college, and could talk all kinds of languages, and knowed everything. And that ain't the wust. They said he could VOTE when he was at home"
        http://www.online-literature.com/twain/huckleberr

        1. Chet Kincaid

          GodDAMN that is an awesome quote, thanks for posting it! The rest of the paragraph is just as good. Someone should give that character his own youtube channel. "Unfrozen 160 Year Old Johnny Reb."

          1. HistoriCat

            The whole speech his father gives is great (in the sense of capturing the sentiment) but I didn't want to load everyone down with a giant quote. But really, I sometimes wonder how many of those true non-racist patriots are thinking "put him on the block."

        2. SarcasticNymph

          My favorite part of that scene:

          Pap was agoing on so he never noticed where his
          old limber legs was taking him to, so he went head over
          heels over the tub of salt pork and barked both shins,
          and the rest of his speech was all the hottest kind of
          language — mostly hove at the nigger and the gov-
          ment, though he give the tub some, too, all along,
          here and there. He hopped around the cabin con-
          siderable, first on one leg and then on the other, hold-
          ing first one shin and then the other one, and at last he
          let out with his left foot all of a sudden and fetched
          the tub a rattling kick. But it warn't good judgment,
          because that was the boot that had a couple of his toes
          leaking out of the front end of it; so now he raised a
          howl that fairly made a body's hair raise, and down he
          went in the dirt, and rolled there, and held his toes;
          and the cussing he done then laid over anything he
          had ever done previous. He said so his own self after-
          wards. He had heard old Sowberry Hagan in his
          best days, and he said it laid over him, too; but I
          reckon that was sort of piling it on, maybe.

    3. James Michael Curley

      Same people who loved Ethel Waters, Hattie McDonald and Butterfly McQueen on the little screen of their Dumont TV's but wouldn't let them move into Dumont, NJ, Dumont, TX, Dumont, IA, Dumont, MN or Dumont, CO.

  5. nappyduggs

    FLOTUS is our new Benevolent Mother. However, there is one exception: Xtine O'Donnell has been summarily barred from WH visits, because, quoth our FLOTUS, "I'm afraid she'd just be HELL on my cucumbers."

      1. nappyduggs

        What would Queen Xtine say about you cold ejaculating all over your computer like that? And out of your mouth, too? Like "The Exorcist?" So, so much to speak with Jeebus about, here.

  6. Urban_Achiever

    Ok, that video was so adorable that it literally brought tears to my eyes
    :: runs away in shame ::

  7. fuhrius

    she has a waspy facial tic. it's nice that michelle is so nice and stuff. she likes whole foods and charter schools. she made bam put solar panels on white house because "At least it's something!" she thinks a lot about what to wear and works out too much. i doubt she's ever been drunk.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    I'm assuming she was running inside after gathering mistletoe at the WH Sacred Grove for some druidical ceremony and got caught by the tour, right? Behind that blue curtain are the supplies she dumped when the camera turned on — probably a couple of freshly-caught newts, a bat wing or two, a sprig of wolvesbane, that juice that turns people into zombies and maybe a pan flute since we're conflating folk religions anyway so why not throw another one in there.

  9. Chet Kincaid

    She likes Italy? Oh great, now Robert DeNiro will be sniffing around the White House when Barry's not home. He's into brown sugar, you know.

  10. Limeylizzie

    She is just astonishing especially with the signing, what a fantastic woman, also was Bo trying to sniff up the FLOTUS skirt?

    1. DoktorZoom

      I like to imagine Barbara Bush either shouting at the deaf woman, or perhaps turning to an aide and saying, "Tell the cripple that it's very nice for her to come and visit us."

      1. nappyduggs

        That reminds me of the story of Bette Davis meeting Marlee Matlin after she won her Oscar for Children of A Lesser God." Bette says to her, she says, "Oh, yes. You're the deaf girl who won the Academy Award."
        Cherry.

  11. JustPixelz

    The portrait of Jefferson in the background with the descendants of slaves living in the White House today is a moving testimony to America's faith in its ideals.

  12. HistoriCat

    Sasha and Malia are just tired of that healthy eating stuff and they heard you can get great pasta in Italy.

  13. finallyhappy

    Uh, Bo can do more tricks than Snowbillly herself, much less her kids. Although I think Bo was spayed so he will not be fathering unwanted kids like the Palin flock.

  14. DoktorZoom

    Glenn Beck' lead tonight: "Was Michelle Obama flashing gang signs in the Oval Office? I'm not making accusations, I'm just putting the question out there."

  15. An_Outhouse

    If she touched me like she patted that guy at the end, I would have a perpetual boner and never wash my sweatshirt again.

Comments are closed.