Horrible Things That Go In Your Mouth

  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
The Wonkette empire was of course built on ass-fucking, but the prudes of American journalism have a problem with depicting anal sex in mainstream political cartoons. This despite the fact that it’s an act perfectly suited for modern-day politics’ crude discourse. (“Boy, that federal government sure is fucking us in the ass, with its taxes, huh? The government! It’ll fuck ya! In the ass!” ) So instead, political cartoonists have to do oral. Sometimes it’s all sublimated, and sometimes it … isn’t? See the mouth-horror, after the jump.

Clicking on the cartoons makes them bigger, which is better than a punch in the mouth.

Did you hear that Barack Obama compromised America’s dignity by putting solar panels on the White House? This is essentially the moral equivalent of being Hitler, or, since Hitler is dead, being Jimmy Carter. Remember how there was a terrible energy crisis during Carter’s presidency, and then he said “Maybe we shouldn’t use oil so much, and heat the inside of our homes to 80 degrees at all times, and should instead use energy sources that don’t come from unstable countries that hate us?” Ha ha, what a pussy. Everyone made fun of him for this, and if any politician does a single thing that Jimmy Carter ever did, he or she will be deemed “Carter-esque,” even if that thing is relatively sensible. Anyway, Jimmy Carter had big teeth, and put solar panels on the White House, so here you go, Barack Obama has big solar Carter teeth. Are these also meant to represent “grills” or “fronts,” a tooth decoration popular among blacks, in the ghetto? Sure, let’s say yes.

 
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Teabaggers might criticize Obama for adopting the style of the rappers he loves so much. But did you know that the Tea Party’s favorite president and founding father, George Washington, had a mouth that was straight-up pimping? His dentures were not made of wood, as the legend holds, but rather hippopotamus ivory and gold, which pretty much sounds like what P. Diddy would make his false teeth out of. Also, he had some of his slaves’ teeth transplanted into his mouth! (These human beings whom he owned “sold” their teeth to him, “voluntarily.”) Anyway, in an unrelated matter, Washington also liked to let centipedes crawl over his lips and curl up in a ghastly parody of a smile, as you can see in this cartoon, which seems gross to us, but the 18th century was a different time, man.

Inspired by both our first and current president, those pigs in Congress are also going in for the mouth jewelry. Ha ha, look at the Congresspig, with the gold tooth! They can afford this because of “pork barrel politics,” in which our legislators literally make laws out of their own flesh, which is then packed into barrels. Anyway, the pig is burning a book on cutting fat, which we guess means he’s supposed to be pro-fat, or at least anti-cutting-fat but the multiple visual negations are frankly a little confusing. Thank goodness that it’s clearly indicated that the cloud of smoke arising from the burned book represents “greed,” or else we might miss the subtleties.

“Hey Mr. Cartoon Violence person,” you’re probably saying at this point, “What about the oral sex? We were promised oral sex!” Fine, you perverts, here’s a cartoon featuring Dick Morris on the verge of sucking on Uncle Sam’s toes. Are you happy? Are you? I’ll bet you aren’t, now! But too bad, you won’t be able to get this image out of your mind, ever. (It’s from Jeff Danziger, the sick sadist who also brought you “Dick Cheney’s semen-filled condom with Bush’s face on it,” so we shouldn’t even be surprised by its vileness.)

In non-oral-sex news, Barack Obama has come home to find his donkey-spouse cheating on him with Bill Clinton. Or, wait, is Bill Clinton cheating on him with some cheap donkey floozy? Who even knows? And we’re actually going to have to retract our earlier statement that this isn’t oral-sex-related, because obviously Bill Clinton is involved so there was all kinds of oral-genital contact. Maybe Bill and the donkey were 69ing each other! There, there’s another nightmarish thing you’ll never be able to stop thinking about. Have a good weekend, everybody!

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

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54 comments

    1. DoktorZoom

      Look on the bright side–if Danziger had drawn it, there would have been a "donkey punch" reference.

    2. 4TheTurnstiles

      even after marriage? Because Mormon women tend to go the "diamondbacker" route, I've learned.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      There should more shots of Toe-Sucker Morris. My local fishwrap presents him as a Respectable Voice On the Right, and I'd like to remind the wingnuts of his REAL claim to immortality.

  1. SayItWithWookies

    Mike Ramirez should be running for governor of Alaska, as he's clearly too stupid to be an editorial cartoonist, and I can't think of any other jobs that might fit his meager qualifications. That said, the brazen incoherence of the dollar bill thing is just breathtaking. I'm going to look at that a few more times so I can get the image of Dick Morris sucking Uncle Sam's toes out of my — oh, crap.

  2. JMPEsq

    Ah, Ramirez; he never fails to present something good as worthy of incoherent mockery for some reason, and to double down on the racism in his Obama caricatures.

  3. freakishlywrong

    HAHAHAHHAAAA!! That top one! Conservatives are so funny! HAHAHAHAHA! Carter! Cuz Carter put solar panels on the WH he was a one term President, like Obamar! HHAAAAAHAHA!

  4. Ruhe

    In best approximation of Al Franken doing Bill Clinton: "Now Ah know this looks bad Barrack but it's not what you think. Donkey and Ah here were just lying naked in bed relaxing after we go a bit buzzed sampling the latest shipment from Cigar of the Month Club. And ya know I saved this one for you…cause I love ya."

  5. donner_froh

    What an insane collection you have come up with this time.

    I thought the enamel grilled George Washington was really strange until I scrolled down to Dick Morris and Uncle Sam which is even better/worse.

  6. Canmon

    The sun is a marxist. Every morning it shines on communist China and Vietnam, then Europe, finally getting around to us with its leftover rays that they didn't want. Give me windpower instead. That goes from West to East. Those commies can suck our used wind.

    1. Rotundo_

      I'm in such a patriotic fervor, what with all the tea party sloganeering, that I am going to break that wind so they get the fumes back in BayJing or whatever! Fart for Freedumb!!1!!1111!!!!

  7. DoktorZoom

    Happened again. I just about manage to forget that Danziger cartoon depicting Dubya as a limp, befuddled receptacle for Cheney's toxic splooge, and then you link to it again. And now the toe-sucking. This Danziger, he has some kind of obsession with Dick jokes.

    Thank you very much, Josh, you heartless bastard.

  8. edgydrifter

    Does a pudding-cup beard go in your mouth? Because that's about the most unappetizing thing I can think of putting in my mouth this morning. Or ever.

    1. DemmeFatale

      What exactly IS a pudding-cup beard? I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, (ew, not recommended), asked my hip daughter, no joy. I'm guessing it is those beards that only cover the chin with no sideburns or mustache connecting.
      Help me!

  9. metamarcisf

    Off topic I know, but today Foxnews has a story called "Look Alikes from the Animal World " in which they juxtapose photos of Hillary, Reid, Pelosi etc. with "humourous" shots of animals that they supposedly look like, but they don't. So I sent in a photo of Gary Bauer next to one of the Budweiser Ferrett but they didn't use it. So that sucks. 30.

  10. CapnFatback

    Thank goodness that it’s clearly indicated that the cloud of smoke arising from the burned book represents “greed,” or else we might miss the subtleties.

    No, that can't possibly be smoke, as it doesn't fit the metaphor, for greed would be the catalyst for burning the "cutting the fat" book, and smoke is a result of the burning. And, as we all know, these cartoons always make perfect metaphorical sense.

    So my guess is that the whole thing is a late tribute to the TV show Lost. The pig is an anthropomorphized caricature of one of the boars from the island, which the castaways would eat in congress, greed is clearly being represented by the Smoke Monster, and the book is Sayid's Koran because fuck the Muslims, that's why.

  11. Lucidamente1

    "But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that donkey."

  12. V572625694

    I'm sick and tired of having assfucking rammed down my throat.

    Also I'm quite proud of not clicking on the Danziger link.

    1. Rotundo_

      I did, and even the hand drawn ass of Cheney was enough to send involuntary shivers up my back. Then I imagined it as it would today, 30 or so pounds lighter and droopier and whiter due to lack of circulation. Be proud, and be glad you didn't go there. The Horror, The Horror.

      1. Ducksworthy

        I think by now its a truly horrific anoxic blue from the blood settling there. I hope they catch that in his picture in the Texas history books.

  13. capitolhillblly

    Here's a funny story. On the same day that Obama had the new solar panels installed on the WH, there was a story in NYT about how the military is deploying solar in Afghanistan because it will save lives and money.

    So naturally, on the Teevee News that night, they reported the story about Obama and made sure to mention that Jimmy Carter also put up solar panels, but Reagan took them down. But there was NO mention of the fact that generals are now using solar energy.

    Pretty damn funny, huh?

    Read more at Wonkette: Horrible Things That Go In Your Mouth

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Just to show how old I am: Raygun, the symbol defabricator, used this to destroy any funding for SERI, thus setting funding for solar back 30 years and allowing the Chinese to build the 200 square mile complex they now have putting out solar panels…. who's fucking whose ass, now, hennnnghh (couldn't resist the hennnggh, no matter which befuddled old it came from)….

      1. Beowoof

        But but the Chinese are our friends, they wouldn't ass fuck the US repeatedly on pricing energy in the future.

  14. cgray

    I'm guessing you're a bit of a hermit. Going out in public only guarantees you'll get the holy sh*t kicked out of your obnoxious a$$.

    1. JMPEsq

      You might be a cocksucking troll, but at least you're fucking childish enough to avoid saying shit that would make a Victorian spinster faint. Ass bitch dick prick fuck tits.

    2. Rotundo_

      Better holy shit than the unholy shit you've swallowed from Blightfart and the usual gang of corporate rentboys. Eat unholy shit and live long and miserably o pile of steaming Troll Santorum.

      1. cgray

        No, I eat good food that I actually paid for. And you, you worthless piece of liberal socialist democrat shit, eat food that I paid for as well. Why don't you get a fucking job you disgusting sack of democrat shit?

        1. Rotundo_

          Sorry big guy, I pay my own tab, and I have a real job too. Now take your meds, I'm thinking you've missed a couple of days, and watch the game and settle down. Mom will be calling you upstairs soon for pot roast of fried chicken or something, and it will get better. Modern pharmaceutical advances will get you back to happyland soon.

    3. metamarcisf

      Welcome to Wonkette, brother. And remember, if you run out of material, fart jokes are always appreciated.

      1. Beowoof

        If I want fart jokes, I will listen to Stephanie Miller, if I wanted to hear what Right Wing Assholes think I would go to free republic. If I want to pick on Right wing assholes, I come to Wonkette and have a damn good time.

        1. cgray

          Can't wait till America goes broke. You arrogant, worthless democrat shitstains will actually have to fend for yourselves for the first time in your pointless lives. Hilarious stuff.

      2. cgray

        Let's see–you eat a lot a beans that you bought with food stamps that my tax dollars paid for. And then you farted. How's that?

    4. GOPCrusher

      I stand in awe of such well-reasoned and logical argument. Now what is it the kids say these days? Oh yeah, enjoy a bag of low-sodium rat penises.

    5. mrblifil

      Hey just because you failed to reach your own dick with your tongue doesn't mean you have to be so cranky. You still have a number of options going forward. Yoga, yoga, more yoga. Oh yeah, and other dudes. But be safe out there!

  15. bagofmice

    I never knew endless war was right. May you be a participant in one of Krauthammer's wars. It's the right thing to do.

  16. gurukalehuru

    I'm not convinced that #2 can properly be called a cartoon, I mean because the guy didn't actually draw anything except the teeth, and I doubt that.
    I've got no beef with the message. Money DOES buy election. So, it was trite, and overbearing, and unoriginal, it wasn't totally fucktarded like that pig burning the bible.
    Just saying it wasn't a cartoon.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Hey, I just want to see what smile he'd put on Lincoln's penny… kind of a "hi, how d'ye do?"….when are we getting rid of these?….they're weighing down my uncut pockets…

Comments are closed.