all part of the plan

Dick Cheney Still Not Apologizing To That Guy He Shot

He probably had a quail hidden in him. He was just hiding it from the UN inspectors!Considering Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse, one would think he would want to reflect back on his life and try to right any wrongs. Except this is Dick Cheney we’re talking about, a man who has never done anything wrong. It turns out Harry Whittington is a very genial, spry old man who would never say anything bad about Dick Cheney, who wasn’t even his friend and who CARELESSLY SHOT HIM, WITH A GUN. But for the rest of his life, Harry Whittington will have birdshot embedded in his face and around his heart, a constant reminder of Dick Cheney’s love of shooting deadly weapons preemptively without looking hard at the evidence around him. And Dick Cheney still hasn’t told him he’s sorry.

Here’s your basic Iraq allegory:

This violates two basic rules of hunting safety, says Ralph Stuart, the editor of Shooting Sportsman, a hunting magazine. The first is the shooter’s obligation to ensure that he has a clear line of fire before pulling the trigger. The second is the “blue-sky rule,” meaning that a hunter shouldn’t fire until he can see blue sky beneath a bird, thus greatly reducing the chances of hitting another hunter or dog. “Quail often fly low and demand lower shots,” Stuart points out, but that makes it “doubly important” that the shooter is aware of what’s between him and the bird and just beyond.

Cheney nearly hit Whittington’s carotid artery, which would have killed his new acquaintance.

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But that’s okay, Cheney was so nice he let his own team of doctors (who are still eligible to be tried for war crimes, we presume) give advice to Whittington’s doctors! That basically makes up for things, right?

But did Cheney ever say in private what he didn’t say in public? Did he ever apologize?

Whittington, who has been talking about his life and career for hours, suddenly draws silent.

“I’m not going to go into that,” he says sharply after a short pause.

Harry Whittington is too gracious to say it out loud, but he doesn’t dispute the notion, either.

Nearly five years on, he’s still waiting for Dick Cheney to say he’s sorry.

Aren’t we all, sir? Aren’t we all. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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89 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Apologizing is for pussies. He's just as likely to apologize to the families of the Iraqi collateral war dead. A man's man, is Dick.

    1. CapnFatback

      It makes perfect sense when you realize, as Cheney did, that "Shooting" is functioning as a verb and not as an adjective.

  2. WarAndGee

    Well duh, he didn't do anything wrong. Don't stand in front of a gun. It's in the constitution or was it Thomas Paine's "Common Sense"

    1. V572625694

      Aaron Burr in the Federalist Papers. He knew what he was talking about when it came to firearms.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "Shooting somebody in the face is love."

      The money shot is always my favorite part of those films, too. So heartrenderingly romantic.

  3. PhilippePetain

    What should he apologize for? If he had killed the poor old bastard, Cheney could have just bitten him and given him the gift of everlasting life.

  4. SheriffRoscoe

    Come on, Dick. Not even a half-assed apology? It's easier than you think. Here's a couple of ways you could try getting started with:

    "I'm sorry you were such an idiot for getting in the way Harry," or "Let's just both admit we were wrong and move on…." It's so easy, kids do it all the time.

  5. Beowoof

    Cheney inspires real fear in the hearts of his friends.. Thus, this guy apologized to Cheney for getting in the way of the shot. Why do I hear the Darth Vader theme every time I hear Cheney's name.

  6. prommie

    The fucking thief still has 7 of Cheney's pellets in him. Why should Cheney apologize to the man, after he stole Cheney's pellets? Maybe after he gives them back, but Cheney is right, here.

    1. x111e7thst

      The Mukhabarat used to make families reimburse them for the cost of the bullets used in the execution before they would return the corpse for burial. Maybe that's where DeadEye Dick got the idea.

  7. Come here a minute

    Whittington publicly apologized to Cheney when he got out of the hospital. Isn't that good enough for you, Wonkett?

    1. SmutBoffin

      That is my recollection. Cheney later went on Brit Hume's show and was all "…and then I shot that weedy fucker in the face! It was fucking great to see another human in anguish that I had caused! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!"

      That is my recollection.

  8. JoshuaNorton

    Screw him. Anyone who hangs around while Cheney is indulging himself in guns and liquor deserves exactly what they get.

    Although, Dick could have at least given him a sporting head start before taking pot shots at him.

  9. Rosie_Scenario

    What a dick. P.S. Anybody see the AOL news item about Dick's current condition, plus recent photo. Not much time left. Best not to buy green bananas.

  10. charlesdegoal

    As one with my own bullet embedded near my heart, I can assure you that you don't get apologies when someone shoots you in a Manhattan street either, blue skies or otherwise. Guns kill people. The lucky survive.

  11. Mindblank

    Dick Cheney: in war, unprepared; out of office, unrepentant; on the hunt, unsportsmanlike. Or unforgiving, if you will.

      1. GOPCrusher

        They also don't have a couple of beers at lunch before going out to shoot birds that sit tight and fly close to the ground.

  12. ph7

    Dick, having graciously volunteered Whittington to be his heart donor, is understandably pissed that Whittington reneged on the deal and chose to survive instead.

  13. slappypaddy

    cheney doesn't need to say he's sorry. everybody already knows he's sorry. in fact, he's one of the most sorry specimens of a man turned rancid ever seen in what is already the pretty rank swamp of imperial power politics. he drank his own poison and didn't even die. yeah, he's sorry.

  14. OneYieldRegular

    Can't he just use the patented generic Republican apology, which would go something like: "I apologize if you were offended by my gun going off in your face"?

  15. chickensmack

    Waitwaitwait… why is it that Harry Whittington deserves an apology first? I think, in order of fuckups, there should be a lip-moistening box of chocolates on the doorstep of every American, apologizing for fucking up America.

  16. Gorilllionaire

    Oh great now Liz Cheney is gonna be on all the friggin Sunday talk shows whining about how everybody is picking on her old man and how it is Obama's fault that Dick ever had to shoot an old man in the face so why aren't we yelling at him like she is? Why doesn't she just cash her check and leave it alone already.

    1. prommie

      She'll be saying that if Dick Cheney apologizes, it would expose our weakness to the Iranians, who will immediately nuke us all to death. And thats why we have to invade Iran immediately, so that Dick can apologize to Harry Whittington, and Obama is naive not to realize this and invade Iran immediately. Then she will cash her checks from the Likud-Mossad US propaganda operation slush fund.

    2. GOPCrusher

      OT but now that you mentioned Daddy's Little Ball Of Hatred, I get the impression that once someone pounds an ash stake into Count Cheney's space where the heart was supposed to be, Liz will be on every show demanding that her father should lie in state in the Rotunda and be provided a state funeral befitting an American Hero.
      When in fact, they should sever the head from the corpse and bury them on opposite ends of the planet to make sure that evil can never reawaken.

  17. Nigel

    Dude claimed his office was an actual fourth branch of government. The Constitution was too trivial to be his concern. Why would he bother apologizing to someone, for anything?

  18. 4TheTurnstiles

    That Spanish judge who went after Pinochet needs to get moving if we're ever going to see this gyalpo before a war crimes tribunal.

  19. widestanceroman

    The part I hated the most was how Cheney was MIA (to sober up) after the incident. Or maybe he just couldn't stop laughing about the surprised look on shot guy's face.

  20. V572625694

    Do you suppose this hunt was something like the events in the current "Mark Trail" comic strip, only w/moar booze? I do.

  21. HELisforHEL

    I'm torn. I don't know if I want it to die, or live on and on and on until it turns all gangerous(sp?) and parts start falling off. There has to be some way for this evil motherf*cker to suffer?
    It (He) is one of the biggest shitstains on this planet and I hold out hope for some sort of Karmic comeuppance. I have a feeling it won't happen and we'll all be subjected to fawning retrospectives devoid of any truth once he–it–drops dead. Much like the Nixon whitewashing.

  22. Gopherit

    Jon Stewart was on to something when he said "How powerful a man do you have to be to be able to shoot somebody in the face, and have that guy go: 'My bad!'" Power and fundamental evil go together like toddlers and shotguns.

  23. LionelHutzEsq

    Anyway, you are clearly forgetting that:

    1) Whittington was carrying a weapon of mass destruction;

    2) Whittington had met with an Al Qaeda agent in Brussels just the year before;

    3) Whittington had a shell of a airline that he was planning terrorist attacks with;

    4) Whittington had taken shots at American Birds, literally in the hours before Cheney's "shock and awe" attack was started;

    5) Whittington had once tried to assassinate Cheney's father;

    6) Don Rumsfeld had assured Cheney that the entire event would only last for a few days, and that Cheney would be greeted by Whittington family as a liberator;

    7) Dick Cheney is a dick.

  24. DashboardBuddha

    All these bastards are in bed with each other. How come when Cheney shouted "DUCK!", Glen Beck didn't claim propaganda?

  25. ttommyunger

    Can't expect a fellow to apologize for something he can't remember. I mean, shit; we've all been there. A couple of beers with lunch, maybe a shot or two after; things get fuzzy. No telling how many men I've shot while shitfaced, probably hundreds, I just can't recall.

  26. lulzmonger

    He doesn't say he is sorry because he is NOT sorry. Saying he was sorry would be a lie, & if there's one thing Richard Cheney hates, it's … (snrk) it's … (heh heh heh) – nope, sorry, just can't do it with a straight face.

    He probably billed the guy later for the lost buckshot.

  27. JMPEsq

    Dick's just sorry the shot didn't finish the job; but he made sure Whittington knows what'll happen to his family should he reveal the secrets of Cheney's ranch where he hunts the most dangerous game, man.

  28. H Curve

    Given that an apology assumes the acceptance of responsibility, why would any sentient being aware of Dick's m.o. expect him to apologize. In his mind, he's not a fault because he wasn't responsible for shooting Harry. Illogical, you say? Whatevs. Logic doesn't have shit to do with how Dick The Vader rolls.

  29. SarcasticNymph

    Whittington, who has been talking about his life and career for hours, suddenly draws silent.
    “I’m not going to go into that,” he says sharply after a short pause.

    Give Whittington a break. He's just trying to stay alive.

  30. SarcasticNymph

    In a TV interview on Fox News back in Washington, [Cheney] took responsibility for the shooting … but offered no apologies.

    I'm with Cheney here. Shooting wealthy Republican attorneys in a responsibility, and not one we should apologize for. Right, Neilist?

  31. Kitty_Sanchez

    Wittington is an old-fashioned conservative; Dick Cheney is every bit the modern-day rightwinger, and this story is an encapsulation of modern rightwinger morality, which can be summed up briefly as

    "Hey, if you're too stupid to protect yourself against an asshole like me, it's your fault."

    They've moved beyond denying that they're liars and reckless scoundrels. They're just saying it's our fault for expecting decent behavior from them. Covers everything, right? Let's check:

    –Suffering agony of conscience at all the death and misery catalyzed by our country because we believed assholes' lies about why we need to go to war? Our fault.

    –Losing our life savings because we believed assholes' guarantees that we were investing in AAA securities? Our fault.

    –Getting sick because we believe the food we eat, water we drink, medicines we take are safe? Our fault.

  32. Neilist

    You Communist Liberal Pink SCUM need to lighten up.

    Cheney only shot him in the face with a 16 gauge dove load.

    I mean, it's not like the Dark Lord used anything serious.

    Neilist
    Wonkette Ammunition & Bath Oils Consultant

  33. donner_froh

    Cheney didn't apologize because he wasn't sorry he had shot Whittington. Sometimes when the grouse aren't biting you just go to shoot something and a 90 year old lawyer makes a pretty easy target.

  34. reliefsinn

    Neilist, as the Wonkette Ammunition and Bath Oils (?) Consultant, I was wondering if you would like to weigh in on the relative criminality of Cheney's crime vs. that of Mrs. Obamas flagrant violation of the law this afternoon, when she had the nerve to actually speak to someone in a polling place and explain why it was important to vote. According to the constitutional scholars on the right-wing blogosphere, and their asshat followers, this was a transgression worthy of Benedict Arnold, or at least Belle Guinness. http://www.dakotavoice.com/2010/10/report-michell

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