ALL PART OF THE PLAN  12:50 pm October 14, 2010

Dick Cheney Still Not Apologizing To That Guy He Shot

by Jack Stuef

He probably had a quail hidden in him. He was just hiding it from the UN inspectors!Considering Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse, one would think he would want to reflect back on his life and try to right any wrongs. Except this is Dick Cheney we’re talking about, a man who has never done anything wrong. It turns out Harry Whittington is a very genial, spry old man who would never say anything bad about Dick Cheney, who wasn’t even his friend and who CARELESSLY SHOT HIM, WITH A GUN. But for the rest of his life, Harry Whittington will have birdshot embedded in his face and around his heart, a constant reminder of Dick Cheney’s love of shooting deadly weapons preemptively without looking hard at the evidence around him. And Dick Cheney still hasn’t told him he’s sorry.

Here’s your basic Iraq allegory:

This violates two basic rules of hunting safety, says Ralph Stuart, the editor of Shooting Sportsman, a hunting magazine. The first is the shooter’s obligation to ensure that he has a clear line of fire before pulling the trigger. The second is the “blue-sky rule,” meaning that a hunter shouldn’t fire until he can see blue sky beneath a bird, thus greatly reducing the chances of hitting another hunter or dog. “Quail often fly low and demand lower shots,” Stuart points out, but that makes it “doubly important” that the shooter is aware of what’s between him and the bird and just beyond.

Cheney nearly hit Whittington’s carotid artery, which would have killed his new acquaintance.

But that’s okay, Cheney was so nice he let his own team of doctors (who are still eligible to be tried for war crimes, we presume) give advice to Whittington’s doctors! That basically makes up for things, right?

But did Cheney ever say in private what he didn’t say in public? Did he ever apologize?

Whittington, who has been talking about his life and career for hours, suddenly draws silent.

“I’m not going to go into that,” he says sharply after a short pause.

Harry Whittington is too gracious to say it out loud, but he doesn’t dispute the notion, either.

Nearly five years on, he’s still waiting for Dick Cheney to say he’s sorry.

Aren’t we all, sir? Aren’t we all. [WP]

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BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Apologizing is for pussies. He's just as likely to apologize to the families of the Iraqi collateral war dead. A man's man, is Dick.

Lascauxcaveman October 14, 2010 at 1:45 pm

"Being the Prince of Darkness means never having to say you're sorry."

natoslug October 14, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Cheney owns Lucas Electrical?

nachoproblem October 15, 2010 at 12:29 am

A dick's Dick, too.

V572625694 October 14, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Shooting Sportsman: my nomination for Oxymoron of the Year.

CapnFatback October 14, 2010 at 2:01 pm

It makes perfect sense when you realize, as Cheney did, that "Shooting" is functioning as a verb and not as an adjective.

WarAndGee October 14, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Well duh, he didn't do anything wrong. Don't stand in front of a gun. It's in the constitution or was it Thomas Paine's "Common Sense"

V572625694 October 14, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Aaron Burr in the Federalist Papers. He knew what he was talking about when it came to firearms.

binarian October 14, 2010 at 12:57 pm

And this is a surprise?

bigdupa October 14, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Shooting somebody in the face is love. QED Love means never having to say you're sorry.

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2010 at 1:04 pm

"Shooting somebody in the face is love."

The money shot is always my favorite part of those films, too. So heartrenderingly romantic.

PhilippePetain October 14, 2010 at 1:00 pm

What should he apologize for? If he had killed the poor old bastard, Cheney could have just bitten him and given him the gift of everlasting life.

SheriffRoscoe October 14, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Come on, Dick. Not even a half-assed apology? It's easier than you think. Here's a couple of ways you could try getting started with:

"I'm sorry you were such an idiot for getting in the way Harry," or "Let's just both admit we were wrong and move on…." It's so easy, kids do it all the time.

HELisforHEL October 14, 2010 at 1:19 pm

And republicans.

PsycWench October 14, 2010 at 1:40 pm

A true Republican apology would be "I'm sorry if you were upset about being shot in the face".

Beowoof October 14, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Cheney inspires real fear in the hearts of his friends.. Thus, this guy apologized to Cheney for getting in the way of the shot. Why do I hear the Darth Vader theme every time I hear Cheney's name.

MissTaken October 15, 2010 at 12:41 am

Didn't the guy also have a heart attack afterwards? That is the Fear of Cheney

bagofmice October 14, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Deadeye Dick, more like Deadheart Dick, amirite?

prommie October 14, 2010 at 1:01 pm

The fucking thief still has 7 of Cheney's pellets in him. Why should Cheney apologize to the man, after he stole Cheney's pellets? Maybe after he gives them back, but Cheney is right, here.

x111e7thst October 14, 2010 at 1:14 pm

The Mukhabarat used to make families reimburse them for the cost of the bullets used in the execution before they would return the corpse for burial. Maybe that's where DeadEye Dick got the idea.

Gratuitous World October 14, 2010 at 1:02 pm

it's cool. Cheney has received yet another apology-deferment.

johnnyzhivago October 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Apology for what?? Whittington should be apologizing to Cheney for blocking his shot.

Come here a minute October 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Whittington publicly apologized to Cheney when he got out of the hospital. Isn't that good enough for you, Wonkett?

SmutBoffin October 14, 2010 at 1:11 pm

That is my recollection. Cheney later went on Brit Hume's show and was all "…and then I shot that weedy fucker in the face! It was fucking great to see another human in anguish that I had caused! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!"

That is my recollection.

Texan_Bulldog October 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Harry is lucky Dick didn't unhinge his jaw & inhale Harry's soul.

chickensmack October 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm

I actually brought co-workers into the office, wondering why so much laughter.

JoshuaNorton October 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Screw him. Anyone who hangs around while Cheney is indulging himself in guns and liquor deserves exactly what they get.

Although, Dick could have at least given him a sporting head start before taking pot shots at him.

Rosie_Scenario October 14, 2010 at 1:06 pm

What a dick. P.S. Anybody see the AOL news item about Dick's current condition, plus recent photo. Not much time left. Best not to buy green bananas.

natoslug October 14, 2010 at 2:24 pm

As long as he's suffering, I wish him a few more months at least.

charlesdegoal October 14, 2010 at 1:07 pm

As one with my own bullet embedded near my heart, I can assure you that you don't get apologies when someone shoots you in a Manhattan street either, blue skies or otherwise. Guns kill people. The lucky survive.

V572625694 October 14, 2010 at 1:23 pm

As does our Glorious Second Amendment, long may it kill.

Lascauxcaveman October 14, 2010 at 1:48 pm

It's your own fault for carelessly wandering about where people do drug deals, jerk.

charlesdegoal October 14, 2010 at 3:12 pm

OK, but where else can you cop?

Lascauxcaveman October 14, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Not what you meant by "shoot up" though, was it?

fuflans October 14, 2010 at 1:07 pm

good times.

it's time to restore honor to america.

bagofmice October 14, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Perhaps he's in a slow moving black SUV, still searching for the real shooters.

Mindblank October 14, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Dick Cheney: in war, unprepared; out of office, unrepentant; on the hunt, unsportsmanlike. Or unforgiving, if you will.

mrblifil October 14, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Yeah Cheney's sorry. He's sorry the guy survived, otherwise it would have been liver night back at the lodge.

HELisforHEL October 14, 2010 at 1:21 pm


Lascauxcaveman October 14, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Most hunters I know have a rule, "You shoot it; you eat it."

GOPCrusher October 14, 2010 at 2:16 pm

They also don't have a couple of beers at lunch before going out to shoot birds that sit tight and fly close to the ground.

ph7 October 14, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Dick, having graciously volunteered Whittington to be his heart donor, is understandably pissed that Whittington reneged on the deal and chose to survive instead.

slappypaddy October 14, 2010 at 1:12 pm

cheney doesn't need to say he's sorry. everybody already knows he's sorry. in fact, he's one of the most sorry specimens of a man turned rancid ever seen in what is already the pretty rank swamp of imperial power politics. he drank his own poison and didn't even die. yeah, he's sorry.

OneYieldRegular October 14, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Can't he just use the patented generic Republican apology, which would go something like: "I apologize if you were offended by my gun going off in your face"?

Radiotherapy October 14, 2010 at 1:13 pm

The guy should be grateful, Cheney cut his taxes too.

chickensmack October 14, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Waitwaitwait… why is it that Harry Whittington deserves an apology first? I think, in order of fuckups, there should be a lip-moistening box of chocolates on the doorstep of every American, apologizing for fucking up America.

Gorilllionaire October 14, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Oh great now Liz Cheney is gonna be on all the friggin Sunday talk shows whining about how everybody is picking on her old man and how it is Obama's fault that Dick ever had to shoot an old man in the face so why aren't we yelling at him like she is? Why doesn't she just cash her check and leave it alone already.

prommie October 14, 2010 at 1:30 pm

She'll be saying that if Dick Cheney apologizes, it would expose our weakness to the Iranians, who will immediately nuke us all to death. And thats why we have to invade Iran immediately, so that Dick can apologize to Harry Whittington, and Obama is naive not to realize this and invade Iran immediately. Then she will cash her checks from the Likud-Mossad US propaganda operation slush fund.

GOPCrusher October 14, 2010 at 5:15 pm

OT but now that you mentioned Daddy's Little Ball Of Hatred, I get the impression that once someone pounds an ash stake into Count Cheney's space where the heart was supposed to be, Liz will be on every show demanding that her father should lie in state in the Rotunda and be provided a state funeral befitting an American Hero.
When in fact, they should sever the head from the corpse and bury them on opposite ends of the planet to make sure that evil can never reawaken.

Boredw/Gravity October 14, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Get in line, Whittington, Cheney still hasn't apologized for a lot of things.

deelzebub October 14, 2010 at 1:27 pm

I want an apology for Liz Cheney's existence.

Nigel October 14, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Dude claimed his office was an actual fourth branch of government. The Constitution was too trivial to be his concern. Why would he bother apologizing to someone, for anything?

gurukalehuru October 14, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Harry Whittington in Texas Saw Cheney Massacre

4TheTurnstiles October 14, 2010 at 1:19 pm

That Spanish judge who went after Pinochet needs to get moving if we're ever going to see this gyalpo before a war crimes tribunal.

widestanceroman October 14, 2010 at 1:20 pm

The part I hated the most was how Cheney was MIA (to sober up) after the incident. Or maybe he just couldn't stop laughing about the surprised look on shot guy's face.

deelzebub October 14, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Ah, the old "hit a pedestrian at a Dolphins game" trick.

DoktorZoom October 14, 2010 at 1:23 pm

The first rule of Cheney Club is, Don't Talk About Cheney Club.

emmelemm October 14, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Sounds about right.

V572625694 October 14, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Do you suppose this hunt was something like the events in the current "Mark Trail" comic strip, only w/moar booze? I do.

Canmon October 14, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Cheney didn't apologize, but he did send him a copy of "Who Shot Ya".

HELisforHEL October 14, 2010 at 1:28 pm

I'm torn. I don't know if I want it to die, or live on and on and on until it turns all gangerous(sp?) and parts start falling off. There has to be some way for this evil motherf*cker to suffer?
It (He) is one of the biggest shitstains on this planet and I hold out hope for some sort of Karmic comeuppance. I have a feeling it won't happen and we'll all be subjected to fawning retrospectives devoid of any truth once he–it–drops dead. Much like the Nixon whitewashing.

LionelHutzEsq October 14, 2010 at 1:29 pm

As Paula Poundstone noted: The victim has apologized, so why all the fuss?

Gopherit October 14, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Jon Stewart was on to something when he said "How powerful a man do you have to be to be able to shoot somebody in the face, and have that guy go: 'My bad!'" Power and fundamental evil go together like toddlers and shotguns.

LionelHutzEsq October 14, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Anyway, you are clearly forgetting that:

1) Whittington was carrying a weapon of mass destruction;

2) Whittington had met with an Al Qaeda agent in Brussels just the year before;

3) Whittington had a shell of a airline that he was planning terrorist attacks with;

4) Whittington had taken shots at American Birds, literally in the hours before Cheney's "shock and awe" attack was started;

5) Whittington had once tried to assassinate Cheney's father;

6) Don Rumsfeld had assured Cheney that the entire event would only last for a few days, and that Cheney would be greeted by Whittington family as a liberator;

7) Dick Cheney is a dick.

mrblifil October 14, 2010 at 2:03 pm

That last one is pure speculation. Oh, "is a" dick. I thought you said "slaps his wife with his."

LionelHutzEsq October 14, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Please, read her book, Liz doesn't swing that way.

DashboardBuddha October 14, 2010 at 1:35 pm

All these bastards are in bed with each other. How come when Cheney shouted "DUCK!", Glen Beck didn't claim propaganda?

Extemporanus October 14, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Not shooting you in the face a second time is how Dick Cheney says "I'm sorry."

RedneckMuslin October 14, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Yeah, he did let him live for crips sake.

CapnFatback October 14, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Oh no, I believe that the Bloods were gonna finish the job. /douche

PsycWench October 14, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Surely this was somehow the fault of Scooter Libby.

HistoriCat October 14, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Only if he's become part of the lamestream media.

ShiftyParadigm October 14, 2010 at 1:56 pm

Dick Cheney had "other priorities."

HistoriCat October 14, 2010 at 1:56 pm

Only if he's become part of the lame stream media.

ttommyunger October 14, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Can't expect a fellow to apologize for something he can't remember. I mean, shit; we've all been there. A couple of beers with lunch, maybe a shot or two after; things get fuzzy. No telling how many men I've shot while shitfaced, probably hundreds, I just can't recall.

lulzmonger October 14, 2010 at 2:08 pm

He doesn't say he is sorry because he is NOT sorry. Saying he was sorry would be a lie, & if there's one thing Richard Cheney hates, it's … (snrk) it's … (heh heh heh) – nope, sorry, just can't do it with a straight face.

He probably billed the guy later for the lost buckshot.

MistaEko October 14, 2010 at 2:09 pm

What's the big deal? The birdshot is in its last throes before dissolving entirely.

JMPEsq October 14, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Dick's just sorry the shot didn't finish the job; but he made sure Whittington knows what'll happen to his family should he reveal the secrets of Cheney's ranch where he hunts the most dangerous game, man.

H Curve October 14, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Given that an apology assumes the acceptance of responsibility, why would any sentient being aware of Dick's m.o. expect him to apologize. In his mind, he's not a fault because he wasn't responsible for shooting Harry. Illogical, you say? Whatevs. Logic doesn't have shit to do with how Dick The Vader rolls.

SarcasticNymph October 14, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Whittington, who has been talking about his life and career for hours, suddenly draws silent.
“I’m not going to go into that,” he says sharply after a short pause.

Give Whittington a break. He's just trying to stay alive.

SarcasticNymph October 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm

In a TV interview on Fox News back in Washington, [Cheney] took responsibility for the shooting … but offered no apologies.

I'm with Cheney here. Shooting wealthy Republican attorneys in a responsibility, and not one we should apologize for. Right, Neilist?

Kitty_Sanchez October 14, 2010 at 5:26 pm

Wittington is an old-fashioned conservative; Dick Cheney is every bit the modern-day rightwinger, and this story is an encapsulation of modern rightwinger morality, which can be summed up briefly as

"Hey, if you're too stupid to protect yourself against an asshole like me, it's your fault."

They've moved beyond denying that they're liars and reckless scoundrels. They're just saying it's our fault for expecting decent behavior from them. Covers everything, right? Let's check:

–Suffering agony of conscience at all the death and misery catalyzed by our country because we believed assholes' lies about why we need to go to war? Our fault.

–Losing our life savings because we believed assholes' guarantees that we were investing in AAA securities? Our fault.

–Getting sick because we believe the food we eat, water we drink, medicines we take are safe? Our fault.

Toomush_Infer October 14, 2010 at 6:06 pm

What happens in Whittington stays in Whittington…

tater_tot October 14, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Is Dick Cheney still alive???

Neilist October 14, 2010 at 6:31 pm

You Communist Liberal Pink SCUM need to lighten up.

Cheney only shot him in the face with a 16 gauge dove load.

I mean, it's not like the Dark Lord used anything serious.

Wonkette Ammunition & Bath Oils Consultant

LibrulEleet October 14, 2010 at 6:39 pm

It's time for Harry to accidentally shoot Dick.

donner_froh October 14, 2010 at 8:21 pm

Cheney didn't apologize because he wasn't sorry he had shot Whittington. Sometimes when the grouse aren't biting you just go to shoot something and a 90 year old lawyer makes a pretty easy target.

reliefsinn October 14, 2010 at 8:27 pm

Neilist, as the Wonkette Ammunition and Bath Oils (?) Consultant, I was wondering if you would like to weigh in on the relative criminality of Cheney's crime vs. that of Mrs. Obamas flagrant violation of the law this afternoon, when she had the nerve to actually speak to someone in a polling place and explain why it was important to vote. According to the constitutional scholars on the right-wing blogosphere, and their asshat followers, this was a transgression worthy of Benedict Arnold, or at least Belle Guinness.

RodrigoBivar October 15, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Does this guy Whittington set off metal detectors in airports?

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