Republican ‘Young Guns’ Publish Violent Cowboy Novel

The creaky and lonesome ol’ town of Americaville — no longer a boomtown, not yet a ghost town — just ain’t been the same since that corrupt mayor, mean ol’ Barry Obammer, took office and made every cowpoke, whore, gamblin’ man, Injun and saloon piano player sad as a still sagebrush. The citizens of Americaville need some real cowboys to clean up their one-horse town, yessirree. Cowboys like the Republican Party’s “young guns” Eric Cantor, Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy, who’ve formed a posse and written a shoot ‘em up Young Adult Western novel called Young Guns: A New Generation of Conservative Leaders. Just how does our trio of “young” heroes plan to get rid of mean ol’ Mayor Obammer?

The plot: As soon as Eric Cantor walks into the “Washington DC” saloon, he knows that something just ain’t right with the place. Mayor Obammer has turned it into his personal headquarters, for one. He just sits there in the corner, sippin’ whiskey and writin’ memos. Oh, he’ll stop every once and a while for a game of cards or darts. But mostly he just rules Americaville from that saloon, the whole town his fiefdom.

Anyway, Cantor walks into the saloon. He walks up to the bar all slow-like. He knows Obammer and his cronies are eyin’ him. The mayor and his gang, Cantor knows, are “engaged in an assault on religion in the public square. They’re spending like there’s no tomorrow. And accountability is something they seem to insist on only for the previous administration, not for themselves.”

He orders one sarsaparilla, takes a look around, and realizes he’s walked into some kind of degenerate ape-ville:

Needless to say, the culture shock for me…was pretty severe. I felt a little like George Taylor, Charlton Heston’s character in Planet of the Apes must have upon discovering the foundering Statue of Liberty on the beach. What was happening to my country?

Americaville is run by bunch of daggum apes! What in tarnation’s a cowboy to do?

Cantor reckons he needs to join up with some other decent folk, men and women who’ve held on to their integrity in the debauched ape-hell of Obammer’s gold-thievin’ decadent Americaville. Like the town innkeeper, Kevin McCarthy.

McCarthy, he’s a tough sumabitch. He keeps pictures of himself wrestlin’ bears and gators on the wall of his inn. But at night he reminisces about better days, the days of mayors like Reagan, and drinks himself to sleep, his face planted on the sign-in book. Cantor knows McCarthy can help him in a showdown with Obammer.

Then there’s Paul Ryan. Quick trigger-finger, fastest gun in town, but a courtly gentleman who knows how to treat the ladies. Why, there’s one moment when some of Obammer’s union thugs are drunk in the DC saloon (they’ve been spendin’ the taxpayers’ dollars on whiskey and sarsaparilla) and bein’ lewd to a lady (the Statue of Liberty).

What does Paul Ryan do? Why, he saddles right up to these high-spending degenerates and says “Alright boys, that’s enough, leave the lady alone.” That stops their jawin’ stone cold, because Paul Ryan is a real man.

As they say: “A Jewish guy from Virginia, an Irish-Catholic from Wisconsin, and a California Baptist,” all of them fearsome gunfighters.

These cowboys got big ideas for savin’ Americaville, see. They got a “new governing agenda.” They’re “fresh-thinking.”

What are their new and fresh ideas? No-good high-falutin’ book reviewers might say there ain’t nothing new here, that this is the same dried-up cowshit we’ve been hearing for 30 years, but that ain’t the case, somehow ….

Let’s get back to the story.

Our three white gauchos get a gang of vigilante cowboys together, so the good guys ain’t just Cantor, Ryan and McCarthy, but also “Calamity” Meg Whitman (she used to run a computer auction ranch on the edge of town) and Mormon desert-dweller “Wild” Mitt Romney.

Eventually the boys and gal get their showdown with the villain:

After sparring for a bit on tax policy [Obama] stopped and said simply, “Elections have consequences … and Eric, I won.”

In other words: It’s my way or the highway. Deal with it. The “post-partisan” president sure had a big partisan streak.

Shootouts, bar-fights, train robberies and lots a’ whiskey-drinkin’ ensue! Get this Wild West scorcher while it’s hot, folks! We’ll be gettin’ to know all these cowboys very soon, once they save Americaville from Obammer and finally make it into the world’s greatest cowboys-and-Indians theme park/panning-for-gold tourist experience.

Young Guns: A New Generation of Conservative Leaders by Eric Cantor, Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy; Threshold Editions; 224 pages; $10.20

Thanks to Wonkette operative/commenter “mdotsota” for the suggestion and the sarsaparilla. The rest of you cowpokes send yer book review requests via Pony Express to greer.mansfield@gmail.com.