the american dream

Christine O’Donnell’s Ex-Neighbors Wish She Didn’t Have Sex So Loudly

About what you'd expect for her.According to people who used to be Christine O’Donnell’s neighbors, she was sort of odd but nice, perhaps as one would expect. “She would lounge on her front porch in her pajamas some weekends, smoking cigars and drinking wine with a girlfriend.” But she also had a man over her house all the time, and a neighbor complained about this, because “the walls upstairs are very thin.” Surprise! Christine O’Donnell seems to be sexually active and now seems to live with a her new boyfriend, who is described as “a heavy-set Christian rocker with a pudding-cup beard,” that man at left sitting sexily on a tiny tractor. And a neighbor says she never showed up at the local Catholic Church until she was running for office. So basically she is a hypocrite on every point of her platform, which according to the media is being against sex and for Jesus.

Benedetto, a life-long Democrat with reverence for the vice president (who walks every year with his family in the Procession of Saints), has a long list of complaints about O’Donnell. She once left soup on the stove and started a fire, Benedetto said. She used to miss the trash can when she disposed of her cat litter, leaving a mess on the porch. Most gallingly, in the neighbor’s view, O’Donnell had frequent visitors, “and the walls upstairs are very thin.”

Both Benedetto and another neighbor who asked to have her name withheld said they saw O’Donnell lounging, clothed, with a man on top of her, on O’Donnell’s bright yellow and orange flowered couch. Both said these events happened during the daytime, when O’Donnell would sometimes leave her front door open. Neither minded in the slightest at the time, they said, and the latter of the two neighbors thinks generally well of the candidate. Both said they get a little chuckle on hearing her strict stance against sexual activity outside of the confines of marriage.

Interesting! This article makes no mention of what this image is supposed to be, however:

Huh?

Sponsored Video

Is that a Carlos Mencia set list? A policy paper on immigration? A shopping list from her days as a drug addict?

We do know it is from her, obviously, because her memo pad has her birthdate printed on it. Is that what people have printed on their memo pad when they don’t have a job or anything interesting about them?

[EDIT: We're told this, like the other images in the article, are from her yearbook. And now this makes even less sense.] [Daily Beast/Flickr]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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200 comments

  1. walstib

    So, she only makes the sexytime with giants. I think this may be the only point in her favor.

    DO NOT MOCK GIANT LOVING.

  2. V572625694

    Fame, glory, panties, money, politics, masturbation, Christianity, vagina, love, finger, touch…

    1. JMPEsq

      So is good taste. Too bad O'Donnell's a homophobe, otherwise she might have some gay friends to give her decorating tips.

  3. Ducksworthy

    need….moar…..comments……
    This makes no sense. Please wonketters tell me what it all means.

  4. Gopherit

    Her early comments about the foreclosure of her house lead everyone to believe that she settled up and paid that mortgage, yessiree. I guess getting the rich guy who is fucking you to buy out your mortgage counts for that……but sex for money….cough.

    Aw, Christine, how can we stay mad at a hypocritical, whoring witch like you?

  5. prommie

    Isn't this woman's candidacy a sign that our media has descended to the laughable level that we were told of, back in the 60s and 70s, the level of the Soviet State news organizations, remember that picture that was painted for us, of a populace duped by a shackled press that printed bald lies and ridiculous propaganda? The fact that every article and every report on the subject of this woman's candidacy doesn't begin with "shocking fluke nomination of ridiculous fraud and probably psychotic candidate O'Donnel continues to cast serious doubt on the future of our Nation" seems to me to point that way.

    1. V572625694

      Calm down, PNDB, calm down: she's 30 points behind. So's Alvin Greene, but he's not so cute. Otherwise they're identical. And the media didn't nominate them, the electorate did. We're still fucked, but you can't blame Anderson Cooper.

      Oh all right, yes you can.

      1. TX_Bluebonnets

        PNDB, you make a good point. The problem is "objectivity" used by the MSM as a way to avoid having to think about the ramifications of the stories and their method of presentation.

        Also, it's much easier to avoid FCC fines and thunderbolts from Thor if your product is so degraded of meaningful analysis, interpretation, etc., that no one even notices it.

      2. prommie

        No, really, the utter scary ridiculousness of her being the candidate despite the obvious fraudulent criminal grifting and lying and mental illness, treating this as an "elephant in the living room" that we must not speak of, and instead talking about her as if she is a serious, legitimate candidate, this is, well, insane.

        I guess the media has gotten used to having to pretend obvious loons and retards are real politicians and statesmen over the last 20 years, as the GOP has descended to sub-troglodyte levels. Ignoring the corruption and racism and hate and the corporate sellout and the slide towards third world status and all, I guess it gets to be a habit.

        But thats what I mean, how is this not Pravda, Izvestia?

        We are the samizdat media!

        1. TX_Bluebonnets

          Very good, comrade sister. Now wait for your Glorious Chinese Overlords to formally set up your in-patient reeducation camps, so you can unlearn the 'lie' of capitalist freedom.

          Scratchy toilet paper, anyone?

          1. zhubajie

            There are some freedoms in China that Americans might well envy. A nap after lunch, no open container laws, freedom to suckle your baby in public, freedom for anyone to buy booze anytime or to smoke anywhere are not trivial. There are a lot more public toilets, too.

        2. LetUsBray

          Not just 20 years; as with so much else, it started with St. Ronnie. Remember how the press was simply forbidden from pointing out that he was dumb as dirt even before the Alzheimer's kicked in?

          1. deanbooth

            I agree, but I remember shortly after RR was elected, NightLine had a show on the topic "Is Reagan Smart Enough to Be President." I was shocked they would talk about his obvious cluelessness, e.g., his blaming pollution on trees.

            I've searched for a transcript, but can't find one.

        3. lumpenprole

          You get insanity or elitism, that's it. Everything in creation has exactly two sides and in America you're free to enjoy either one. That's why Jesus gave America both Hannity and Colmes, People and US Magazine, the double-down and that donut burger thing.

        4. lulzmonger

          Ah, but this is the genius of CORPORATE communism: today's samizdat is no real threat to the brand-name Politburo – it's just another spectacle. The key is not overtly condemning or censoring it, because that only makes it exotic & taboo, thus desirable. FREEDUMB 4 ALL!

          Pravda, by the by, has become much like the Weekly World News & is now a fave "journalistic source" of those neocon Birther types. Would you like irony with that?

      1. prommie

        I is losing it, this batshit shit, man, its batshit. Oh, and I am too lazy to go look for where I should give this reply, so, excuse me, gotta talk to Katydid, hey Katydid, the answer to your question is "receiving," jeeze, what the hell and all, you think me coming on to all the ladies all the time is some kinda "cover?" And you know, you claiming dibs on me has scared the rest off, what do you have on them?

        1. Katydid

          I was teasing you, prom, I know you're all male hetero!

          Sorry for scaring off the other lovelies, hon, and I give you permission to play, but know in your heart you belong to me.

        2. obiwanacracker

          Um, what's the frequency Kenneth? And in response to your dark late afternoon of the soul, remember that it's always darkest just before it goes completely pitch black.

    2. Gleem_McShineys

      I think it boils down to this:
      "it was really straining to fap to Basil Marceaux dot com, got anything else?"

  6. iburl

    pudding-cup beard?
    I didn't know that was a thing. Maybe we misunderstood. When she said 'no sex' she meant 'no good sex'.

  7. bumfug

    That couldn't be a Carlos Mencia set list – it's obvious that some other comic didn't say it first.

    1. justkillmenow

      Jesus fuck thank you. That's all I can focus on. How many pairs of hip waders does one man need? Does this tell us something about Chrissy?

  8. TX_Bluebonnets

    OMG. OMG. OMG.

    Don't you all GET IT? That's not a chubalicious male Christian rocker on that tractor, that's a pre-op, post-hormones, massive lesbian on that tractor. It explains both the "cute" picture and the attempted manliness.

    And obviously, Christine's little love poem is an ode to the love and pheromones "that only two women can feel." At least, that's what the mannish women who keep hitting on me tell me.

    If you don't believe me, look at the "pumkin Fairies" line.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Absofuckinglutely. Note the two stickwomen (not men) waving bye-bye to beaner- if that don't speak volumes, what does?

    1. Beowoof

      I think she meant to Blumpkin. She was hoping the Blumpkin fairy would show up allow her to give him one.

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    Masturbation: Bad.

    Fucking a Christian Rocker with a pudding cup beard: Really, really gross.

        1. V572625694

          I once had a thin-wall apartment in LA next to a guy who gave voice lessons. He'd tape his students singing, rewind the tape at high volume and speed, and then play it back, etc. It was horrible, but C-O'D getting it on would have to be worse.

          1. Terry

            I used to live in an apt above a gentleman who would come home drunk late late at night and sing maudlin Spanish language folk songs through a karaoke machine with the volume turned up to full blast.

            That, too, is a sound preferable to the devine Miz O in the throes of mad hot fundy witch loving.

  10. JMPEsq

    I do wonder what "Surflight" or "Sunflight" means. And does "Pedro, loving" means she's sexing an illegal Mexican?

  11. Extemporanus

    So, she was the loud type who pretty much didn't keep to herself?

    I guess that means we can cross "Serial Killer" off the long list of Christine O'Donnell's politically embarrassing youthful indiscretions.

  12. Lazy Media

    8-27-69 is when Billy Graham, Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon vowed to cut down every tree in America. Sadly, the libtards have mostly prevented this.

  13. GuyClinch

    Hart Senate Office Building, summer 2011, unnamed senator with neighboring office:

    "Sen. O'Donnell sure has a lot of 'constituents' in her office. And these walls are pretty thick, but still… I mean, she's nice and all, but I wish she'd close her door more often. Her black cat keeps getting out and peeing on my door-jamb. And why does she always leave her toy tractor in the hall?"

  14. Groupshrug

    My tendency to hate chumpy shlubs who somehow manage to get a hot girlfriend while I have no girlfriend works even when the girl is a bat-shit crazy tea-bagger.

  15. Gleem_McShineys

    One time, an acquaintance of mine called his slacker goatee "Da Womb Broom" … apparently named for what he sometimes employed it for.

    What would you be doing with a "Pudding cup beard" that would make you name it that? I mean if I had to guess… Anus-swiffering?

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        Now we're all going to be thinking about Christine O'Donnell's 'pudding cup.'

        *Bill Cosby voice*
        PUDDING!!

  16. Neilist

    Alright, you Communist Liberal Pink SCUM, let me explain something to you:

    I'm a lawyer. I can tell you, as a lawyer, that if Brent the Lawyer Boyfriend bought out the mortgage on her house, there HAS to be a Sex Videotape.

    In fact, there has to be a LIBRARY of Sex Videotapes. Showing EVERYTHING, With EVERYTHING (other girls, animals, kitchen utensils, a bass boat trolling motor, etc. etc. etc.)

    Trust me on this: I'm a Legal PROFESSIONAL.

    1. twogoats

      "Trust me; I'm a lawyer"?
      "I will only put it in a little ways."
      "You're so beautiful, I couldn't restrain myself."
      They bought yellow cake uranium in Niger."
      and so on.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Now I get it. You're Bob Odenkirk, just staying in character for "Breaking Bad" all the time, right?

    3. Beowoof

      As a fellow lawyer I heartily agree with your assessment of the situation. I want to see the Blumpkin tape that she mentions in her note.

    1. HistoriCat

      Damn – you beat me to it. Teach me to not read all comments before posting. I'm guessing Xtine and the other girl in the drawing are waving goodbye to the Beaner (illegal Messican?) they had the three-way with.

  17. CapnFatback

    She once left soup on the stove and started a fire, Benedetto said.

    Eye of newt is quite flammable.

  18. smokefilledroommate

    Occasionally we 'monage'–misspelling of ménage? O'Donnell, pumpkin fairies, and Pedro the beaner? She's much kinkier than I ever thought possible.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Has to be Hunter S. "Once you get into a really serious drug binge, you might as well go all the way", or words to that effect. If this swamp donkeys rise to media "stardom" isn't part of a serious ether and jimson weed hallucination, then you can slap my thigh and call me Humbert.

  19. johnnymeatworth

    So what kind of cigars does she smoke, anyway? I'm sure they're huge, for Jesus and America….

  20. Steverino247

    Keeping with the Nixonian theme in her campaign (i.e. "I am not a…"), I'm looking forward to the press conference on November 3rd when she says "You won't have Christine O'Donnell to kick around anymore."

  21. JMPEsq

    Mr. Christian-rocker-fucking-O'Donnell, that tractor does not make you fat, your giant rolling gut makes you look fat.

    1. mavenmaven

      Who is that Loren Heal they have tweetered up with? There are some scary tweets on that site you point to!

      1. schvitzatura

        Dave is obvs a stress eater:

        Apple pie and vanilla ice cream is an acceptable breakfast, right? #on-nom about 13 hours ago via TweetDeck

        Boy should be on a Special K/skim milk diet for the next six years, when Witchy Poo challenges Coons in 2016. He should lose a couple of imperial avoirdupois in the intervening time span…

      2. schvitzatura

        Will Christine get Baby Huey a tray of moussaka, please:

        davidhust: I want Greek food so badly right now! #ineedrealfood
        4 days ago via txt · Reply · View Tweet

  22. jus_wonderin

    "Both Benedetto and another neighbor who asked to have her name withheld said they saw O’Donnell lounging, clothed, with a man on top of her, on O’Donnell’s bright yellow and orange flowered couch."

    I thought I had a comment on this, but I am stumped. However, is that a typo?

    Couch or crotch?

  23. GuanoFaucet

    "Cob-webbed mind"

    It's nice to know that dry-humping, retarded jesus goblin has some rudimentary degree of self-awareness. Because that phrase perfectly reflects the contents of her dumb, empty skull.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I dunno. That fat fuk on the King of Queens seems all wrong.

      KRUGMAN: I don't watch many sitcoms, but I actually watched "The King of Queens" on some airplane…and I immediately being who I am, I immediately said, "Can a guy who works at obviously UPS actually afford that, and I could find out, so I checked where the neighborhood, no way. No way. Couldn't afford a third of that house

    2. JackDempsey1

      Yes, hawt chicks do fuck fat guys, but this pre-dates tee vee.
      I suggest you review your Shakespeare, young man.

    3. JMPEsq

      They fuck fat guys with money, though; not the poor dumb fat schlubs with hot wives that are all over CBS and ABC.

  24. SystemError

    "During much of the period she spent on North Lincoln Street, O’Donnell was unemployed…"

    YOU DON'T SAY!

  25. mrblifil

    </>"Benedetto, a life-long Democrat with reverence for the vice president (who walks every year with his family in the Procession of Saints)"

    in other words: IN THE TANK FOR OBAMAR!!1!911

  26. MiniMencken

    If you have never monaged with a pumpkin fairy, you have not lived. It's like getting a hundred Rusty Trombones from someone with a pudding-cup beard while you leave someone else a massive Cleveland Steamer. Or, so I've been told…

  27. Bluestatelibel

    Sometimes I wonder, maybe she's one of us, albeit a very wacky one, who decided to make a couple of bucks by going to the other side? I'll be expecting a book soon with eagles and flags on the front cover.

  28. CapnFatback

    We're told this, like the other images in the article, are from her yearbook. And now this makes even less sense.

    Au contraire! That means this was written around 1987, and any savvy child of the '80s will recognize this as the transcribed lyrics of a Whitesnake ballad.

  29. PhilippePetain

    Good god, that Flickr album made me realize why I was aching to get out of Sunday school so bad. Cute-ish chubby cheeked girls that would cry at the slightest mention of a raging boner or invitation to get tossed on Mad Dog 20/20

    1. jus_wonderin

      I bet Mister Tractor asks her to take an ice bath before and put on extra powder to look all extra white. And lie very, very still as if not breathing.

  30. Eve8Apples

    "But officers, our pajamas match" is the only potentially coherent statement in that note. It makes me think the masturbation witch gave a written confession to local law enforcement.

  31. comrad_darkness

    That wasn't our Virgin Christine having that nasty sex. It was her Familiar. And you know how loud cat sex can get.

    1. HistoriCat

      And cats don't masturbate.

      Of course, when you can easily lick yourself, why bother with masturbation?

        1. MonaLisa (in CT)

          A male kitteh's penis has a band of about 120-150 backwards-pointing spines, which are about one millimeter long. His tongue also has backwards-facing spines, but they're only about 500 micrometres long.

          So maybe the pudding-cup is for the protection of his jugular?

  32. Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    Also, it's not the tractor that makes you look fat. It's the extra 75 pounds of beer and cheeze-doodle gut that makes you look fat. The tractor just makes you look like an idiot.

  33. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Being underneath Tractor Boy for a length of time might just cause brain damage. This explains much.

  34. MaxNeanderthal

    Wtf are those waders for? Who can possibly ever need that many, unless you a) live in a swamp, and b) continually get out of your depth in said swamp. Or do they serve another purpose? Too long for sheep, not spacious enough for pigs…I've got it! Llamas. It has to be. Stick the back legs down the waders, and you can llama-fuck for America, jeebus and apple pie! Llama fuckers for 2012! (Do it on the edge of a cliff, makes 'em push back harder).

    1. MiniMencken

      There once was a gaucho named Bruno
      Who said, "Now screwing is one thing I do know!
      A woman is fine
      And a sheep is divine,
      But the llama is numero uno!"

  35. JMPEsq

    The yearbook comment, together with her "I am not a witch, I am you" ads and her studies in postmodernism, have finally made me realize the truth about Christine: she's trying to run the first modern Dada campaign, it is not supposed to make any sense, it is anti-campaign designed designed to shock our senses and challenge our very notions of common sense and good taste.

    1. Beetagger

      It's basically French, existential poetry set to the soundtrack of pudding cup jesus music. Like Dylan used to write.

  36. notreelyhelping

    To me, that note sounds like a cry for help, and that plea says: Send more mushrooms! We're almost through this bag!

    1. transfatz

      I always leave notes like this during shrooms. Funny thing is that their profundity, so apparent during the experience, always eludes me afterwards. Lost it again.

  37. An_Outhouse

    Since this nymphomaniac witch doesn't have any chance of winning, all this attention seems a bit cruel. How come fat guys get the hot chicks?

  38. Failed_2_Menace

    Valuable political advice, perhaps too late:

    Run on unsullied virtue, lose when smudges are unveiled.

    Run as a slut, win as a slut.

  39. mumbly_joe

    Hello Ken, Jack, and the rest of the Wonkette staff,

    I am writing you today to inform you that, in anticipation of this totally unexpected Cocktober surprise, I have been holding in copyright the phrase, "Sorcerous Sex Fraud" since late September. As I am certain that this phrase will see much use in the coming weeks, I wished to inform you of this fact, and that I will need to insist on royalty payments for use of this phrase. I will accept payment in pee diamonds, or, as always, in the Goldline antique souvenir medallions that will become the only legal tender of US America shortly after the 112th Congress convenes, in 2011.

    Yours truly,
    "Mumbly_Joe"

  40. MistaEko

    Has someone produced the porno of this yet? I nominate myself as writer if this gold mine is still untapped.

  41. nachoproblem

    Okay, so that's obviously a spell that she or some other witch scrawled in her yearbook. It's probably not traditional to conclude an invocation with "Bye Bye Beaner!" but I'm sure that witches have to flow with the times too… or whatever that is.

    Actually the only thing I find insane about her is running for office on a "Jeebus hates your genitals" platform. Otherwise she seems like any ordinary lapsed Catholic with a life. For that matter, the Christian rocker who gets to ride her like a little tractor ain't got such a bad thing going on.

  42. HempDogbane

    The reference to "Grain" ties her to Jack's Teabagger correspondent who referenced GMO. And then we have the "farmer" on the tractor. When these people take over you elitists will be working the land.

  43. randcoolcatdaddy

    It would somehow make sense that O'Donnell would want sexytime with a dumpy hipster Christian rocker – a dumpy hipster Christian rocker with a tractor fixie.

  44. Oblios_Cap

    The list is Christine's own Kama Sutra.

    Bye, Bye Beaner is obviously her favorite position to use with Hispanics.

  45. widestanceroman

    This note was a draft for a speech later transcribed onto her hand (but not her favorite one).

  46. One_who_wanders

    I am somewhat disconcerted that I figured out it was a
    Yearbook signing before the editorial addition. Proud yet ashamed.

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