house party-planning committee

Congressional Candidate Plans Out Private Birth Certificate Viewing

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Look, Michigan Congressional candidate Tim Walberg will take President Obama “at his word” that he’s an American citizen. But that doesn’t mean Obama can’t have some fun with his birth certificate! Walberg is just thinking out loud here, but Obama should probably invite “Rush Limbaugh, Alan Colmes, Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, and maybe one justice of the U.S. Supreme Court” to his house and just lay it out there for them to admire. That seems like the precise roster of people who hold the most power in the United States government, so why doesn’t Obama take this Walberg fellow’s advice and hold this nice little birth certificate get-together? Otherwise, this guy WILL impeach you, even though he believes you are an American citizen.

We’ll even help you out, sir. Let’s expand on this party list.

Other guests:
Albert Haynesworth
The dogs from the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam
Walter Mondale
The cast of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
Walter Mondale’s wife
Harriet Miers
Dog the Bounty Hunter

Food and refreshments:
White wine
Pizza-flavored Combos
Fanta (various flavors)
Cake with an edible photo of the birth certificate on top

Strobe light, to be pointed at the birth certificate

If you have all of these things, you can put this issue to rest, Obama. But only if you do them all. [Think Progress]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Badonkadonkette

    Is this Donny and Mark Walberg's answer to Stephen Baldwin?

  • Lucidamente1

    Nate Silver gives this doofus a 67% chance of winning the district.

    • thx11380

      Nate Silver is a douche bag. He has a hard on for seeing the Dems lose. I'm guessing he is writing a book and his sales depend on it. Or maybe there is some upside with his new NY Times gig. Either way he's a douche and I don't care what he has to say. My prediction is a lot of his comments which have now been documented will be fodder for comedians after Nov03

      • Lascauxcaveman

        At this point in time, I wish you were right. But I think you're probably just deluded.

        • thx11380

          Yawn, Sestak pulls ahead in new poll released today. That is the first time he was ahead. A dozen other Dems are closing the gap or widening their lead.

          Nate has been spewing since August that the Dems will probably lose both senate and house. He says that it would take a miracle for Dems to keep the house but I can read polls and I know with 100% certainty that is complete BS to be saying that in August and the polls coming out now at a time when they actually start to matter are confirming it.

          But keep drinking your corporate media supplied koolaid. Whatever get's you off!

          • Lascauxcaveman

            From your lips (bypassing Nate's spreadsheet) to God's ear.

    • Kitty_Sanchez

      I've lost the capacity for being appalled at the idiots who win elections. I live in Texas, and we're about to re-elect a guy who has made George W. Bush's terms as governor seem like the good ol' days.

      • HistoriCat

        You would get re-elected too if your hair looked that good!

        • Kitty_Sanchez

          The late great Molly Ivins nicknamed him Governor Goodhair. I think that was the only thing she could find to compliment him on.

  • mookwrthwilson

    Maybe Carl Paladino can come too and bring his horse friend…

    • danceswithpalin

      And bring his wife and wife's children and his mistresses and mistress' children. Oh, and Christine O'Donnell and all the people she supposedly is not having sex with, also too.

    • nounverb911

      or maybe just his Corleone overseers.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Better yet, why not demand that Obama perform a miracle to prove that he's REALLY the Hope-iness messiah?

  • Fare la Volpe

    Alan Colmes? Who the hell thinks of Alan Colmes as a clout-bearing verifier of anything?

    • Crank_Tango

      people who think he is an actual liberal, i.e. people who watch fox?

      Also, people who thought that white basketball team that always played the globetrotters was an actual team?

      • mumbly_joe

        To be fair, Blue America is actually a fairly decent blog. Better than Jane Hamsher's Internet Concern, at very least. Plus, Colmes has a face for blogging, so there's that, too (maybe not fat enough, tho)

        • Beowoof

          You know Jane is awfully pissed off all the time.

      • Oblios_Cap

        They must have all developed ulcers when the black guys always beat their team!

      • BarackMyWorld
    • kenlayisalive

      Right on. Except for when Hannity's needs his ass licked, I'm doubtful Alan Colmes receives many calls about anything.

    • mrblifil

      Alan Colmes is widely regarded as a feckless impotent ponce who mouths drivel and would be useless in a bar fight. Even liberals harbor fantasies of punching his glasses off his cadaverous face. Invoking his name gets an automatic laugh among the intended audience, since their internal shame only allows laughter that entails pointing and laughing at others they view as inferior. It's like a conservative's idea of crafting a joke, except way less effort is expended.

    • Wadisay

      I'm a little surprised Stephen Hawking has been hired as Fox'es token liberal spokesman.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Give Mr. Colmes credit, he is very good at meekly being run over by insane shouting Conservatives. All and all, an ideal liberal by FOX viewer standards.

      (Honestly, I like Alan, and Hannity is boring now that there isn't even the smallest amount of balance, but by the Gods he needed to learn to call out Hannity, O'Reilly's etc. bull).

  • x111e7thst

    How about Obama just lays his dick on the table and invites Limbaugh to choke on it. I would pay actual money for an actual newspaper to read that story.

    • Katydid

      This is why I read Wonkette. I love you now.

      • danceswithpalin

        I love him too! I can haz hiz babiez plz?

        Damn auto spell check, had to type that out 3 times.

    • freakishlywrong

      The p is strong with you, x11e7thst..I'm still laughing…

    • petehammer

      With all of Rush's practice deep-throating Republicans over the years, I think he'd have enough practice to avoid choking.

      Oh, wait, the size issue.

    • JMPEsq

      Ram it down his throat.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      The problem is that all the Oxycontin relaxes his throat so much, that Rush can deep throat a horse. Just ask Carl Paladino, he has film of it.

    • mrblifil

      Rush pays actual money for nearly the precise scenario you describe…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Shouldn't there be something from one of President Obama's native countries as well? I vote for a durien.

    • x111e7thst

      Notice in the lobby of my Hue hotel.

      "It is forbidden to take to the room
      the prostitute, the stinky fruit
      or the explosive"

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Stinky prostitutes are all right, though?

      • Failure_Artist

        The prostitute? Which one?

    • gurukalehuru

      I ate a durien once. My curiosity is satisfied. Not worth it.

  • capitolhillblly

    If Haynesworth is coming, don't be scrimping on the wine and Combos.

    • Beowoof

      Fat Albert will be hungry. And he might stomp on your face if you run out of food.

  • Laughitoff22

    I suppose he also wants Obama to bring his copy of the bible with him too, so he can recite some scripture and prove that he isn't one of them there muslins…

    • LionelHutzEsq

      The devil can recite scripture….

      • JMPEsq

        Hell, since atheists know the Bible a lot than Christians they'll probably claim that means he's a sekrit atiest (though I wish that were true).

  • chickensmack

    "I had to show my birth certificate in order to be on the ballot."

    Obama, 2007, presidential race. QED, asshole.

  • JMPEsq

    Or he could release a scanned copy of his birth certificate over the internet; you know, like he did in 2008.

    • Ruhe

      Perhaps they need to see the real document in person because it has an invisible treasure map on the back, just like the constitution.

      • GOPCrusher

        Thought that was the Declaration of Independence?

  • thx11380

    Oh yea, I can see it now. He bends to their every bizzare paranoid BS wish only to have them turn it into a shroud of turin circus with creationist scientists analyzing the fibers using Divining rods or whatever the fuck to try prove it's a forgery.

    It would never end which is precisely what they want.

  • V572625694

    Hopey: Rush, Alan, Madame Speaker, Leader McConnell, Mr Justice Scalia, I'm pleased that you could all join me on this important occasion, and I'm grateful to Fox News for sending Sean Hannity to provide color commentary. Without further ado, here's my birth certificate. You've all seen an image of it on the Web. Now can someone please explain to me what the fuss was all about?

    Hannity: But why did it take FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, Mr Obamar?

  • weejee

    Is there not enough oak in the whole wide world to make enough stakes to put this vampire story and its spawn to rest?

  • inedal

    fox does not want this story to end. plain and simple.

    • GOPCrusher

      The Obamar Birf Certificate Mystery=The Whitewater investigation of the 10's

  • Eve8Apples

    NO, NOT THE PUPPIES! God only know what those bastards would do to those sweet, little puppies. I suspect they would end up on the menu.

    • Beowoof

      Stir fried by labor from China that will work for cheap.

  • Missyb9479

    My Birther "friend" says that as soon as Obama releases a birth certificate with a signed doctor's name on it that he will be happy. He only needs to know the doctor's name so he can go and ask the guy if he remembers delivering baby Obama.

    He's one of the people who thinks that Obama's grandmother had an affair with Malcolm X and that his teenage mother just pretended to be pregnant because that's exactly how these things worked back then. Teen Mom's being all fake pregnant to protect the reputation of their mother's. That is a good and logical theory.

    • PsycWench

      And if that doctor is dead, which might well be for a physican practicing in 1961, this will mean that Obama paid a hit man to keep the doctor from blabbing that he didn't sign the certificate after all, or was paid to do so.

  • imissopus

    And that food better not be halal.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Dog's only showing if he can bring Duane Lee.

  • Come here a minute

    …maybe one justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

    But NOT a wise latina one!

    • Beowoof

      Bring the Black one, so Obama will feel he has kindred spirit in the room. Oh wait, nevermind.

      • nounverb911

        Bring the Black one
        You mean the one with the pubic hair fetish?

    • dr_giraud

      Or one of them SOFTBALL PLAYERS if ya know what I mean.

  • bringmeanaxe

    I'm absolutely convinced that the first thing the Republicans are going to do if (when?) they win back the House is start impeachment proceedings against Obama.

    • JMPEsq

      This batch would be even crazier than Newt's Kids, so they probably wouldn't even need the pretense of legitimacy provided by blowjobs.

      • SarcasticNymph

        I think being black trumps getting head here.

        • BarackMyWorld

          One of my high school teachers once joked he got pulled over all the time for "being a n***** on a sunny day," so there's precedent.

          (Yes, I really had black high school teachers, you racists.)

    • GOPCrusher

      I think they will pass a bill to completely repeal Obamacare. When Obama vetoes it, they will use that for the reason of impeachment.

  • freakishlywrong

    Holy shit, that guest list would be like throwing six cats in to a pillowcase.

  • slappypaddy

    it is such a relief to know that congresspersons are not persons who actually engage in any important work that might distract them from their odd hobby of going around with their thumbs stuck up their asses.

    • Beowoof

      Regularly switching so they can suck their other thumb at the same time.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Harriet Miers, mental lightweight that she is, will get lost trying to find the party.

    It's another fine example of American Exceptionalism that, in order to be a candidate for office representing one of our two political parties, the only qualification is that a person needs is to be the biggest and most willfully ignorant piece of shit running.

  • DCHatesMe

    Tim Walberg .. fantasy based solutions for fantasy based problems .. you can trust.

  • EdFlintstone

    Obama will bring it just as soon as Walberg proves he can both read and knows Hawaii is a state.

    • nounverb911

      By the way, can Walberg see Canada from his house?

  • grendelg

    Shouldn't there be 80's romantic music, sex toys, condoms, fuzzy handcuffs, an obvious video taping setup, etc? They can borrow it from James O'Keefe.

  • Beowoof

    More evidence that the schools aren't working when you have dumb shits like this with a possiblity of winning. What happened to thinking?

  • MistaEko

    He takes President Obama “at his word"?

    Fucking moderates. This party used to stand for something.

    • aguacatero

      When they use that formulation ("at his word"), the teabagger candidates know they evoke in the Teabagger midbrain (where teabagger analysis occurs) the notion that taking Obama at his word means taking it only for what his word (as a Muslin foreign black person of shifting shape) is worth, which is nothing.

  • WorkTheSaxofone

    Republicans remind me of the Twiddlebugs from Sesame St.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Fanta? Fanta? Oh no, Jack, when Lemon Tab goes so much better with Pizza Combos. That, or Ripple.

  • Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    I think we can all agree that the cast of iCarly is a better fit than Zack and Cody.

    • elviouslyqueer

      No no. Hannah Montana, the Early Years.

  • HistoriCat

    “Rush Limbaugh, Alan Colmes, Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, and maybe one justice of the U.S. Supreme Court”
    Thank you all for coming … now, if Nancy will join me up here, we will reveal the certificate.
    (After she climbs the stairs)
    I'm sorry gentlemen but your foolishness has become more than I can bear.
    (Floor retracts into walls, dumping them into shark-filled tank)

  • SarcasticNymph

    "If it was me, I'd get Rush Limbaugh, Nancy Pelosi, Justin Beiber, Clarence Thomas, Tinky-Winky, the Swedish Bikini team, three toy poodles, a John Deere tractor, Trig Palin and the corpse of Herve Villechaize together in a room with the birth certificate, whiskey, a selection of bennies, and a large vat of mustard, and just see what happens."

  • MLite

    I'm sorry, birth certificate cakes are not real proof, since Hawaii shifted to all cake records in the 1990s.