HOUSE PARTY-PLANNING COMMITTEE  2:29 pm October 13, 2010

Congressional Candidate Plans Out Private Birth Certificate Viewing

by Jack Stuef

Look, Michigan Congressional candidate Tim Walberg will take President Obama “at his word” that he’s an American citizen. But that doesn’t mean Obama can’t have some fun with his birth certificate! Walberg is just thinking out loud here, but Obama should probably invite “Rush Limbaugh, Alan Colmes, Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, and maybe one justice of the U.S. Supreme Court” to his house and just lay it out there for them to admire. That seems like the precise roster of people who hold the most power in the United States government, so why doesn’t Obama take this Walberg fellow’s advice and hold this nice little birth certificate get-together? Otherwise, this guy WILL impeach you, even though he believes you are an American citizen.

We’ll even help you out, sir. Let’s expand on this party list.

Other guests:
Albert Haynesworth
The dogs from the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam
Walter Mondale
The cast of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
Walter Mondale’s wife
Harriet Miers
Dog the Bounty Hunter

Food and refreshments:
White wine
Pizza-flavored Combos
Fanta (various flavors)
Cake with an edible photo of the birth certificate on top

Strobe light, to be pointed at the birth certificate

If you have all of these things, you can put this issue to rest, Obama. But only if you do them all. [Think Progress]

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Badonkadonkette October 13, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Is this Donny and Mark Walberg's answer to Stephen Baldwin?

Lucidamente1 October 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Nate Silver gives this doofus a 67% chance of winning the district.

thx11380 October 13, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Nate Silver is a douche bag. He has a hard on for seeing the Dems lose. I'm guessing he is writing a book and his sales depend on it. Or maybe there is some upside with his new NY Times gig. Either way he's a douche and I don't care what he has to say. My prediction is a lot of his comments which have now been documented will be fodder for comedians after Nov03

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2010 at 3:10 pm

At this point in time, I wish you were right. But I think you're probably just deluded.

thx11380 October 13, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Yawn, Sestak pulls ahead in new poll released today. That is the first time he was ahead. A dozen other Dems are closing the gap or widening their lead.

Nate has been spewing since August that the Dems will probably lose both senate and house. He says that it would take a miracle for Dems to keep the house but I can read polls and I know with 100% certainty that is complete BS to be saying that in August and the polls coming out now at a time when they actually start to matter are confirming it.

But keep drinking your corporate media supplied koolaid. Whatever get's you off!

Lascauxcaveman October 14, 2010 at 2:29 am

From your lips (bypassing Nate's spreadsheet) to God's ear.

Kitty_Sanchez October 13, 2010 at 2:57 pm

I've lost the capacity for being appalled at the idiots who win elections. I live in Texas, and we're about to re-elect a guy who has made George W. Bush's terms as governor seem like the good ol' days.

HistoriCat October 13, 2010 at 4:57 pm

You would get re-elected too if your hair looked that good!

Kitty_Sanchez October 13, 2010 at 5:44 pm

The late great Molly Ivins nicknamed him Governor Goodhair. I think that was the only thing she could find to compliment him on.

mookwrthwilson October 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Maybe Carl Paladino can come too and bring his horse friend…

danceswithpalin October 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm

And bring his wife and wife's children and his mistresses and mistress' children. Oh, and Christine O'Donnell and all the people she supposedly is not having sex with, also too.

nounverb911 October 13, 2010 at 5:51 pm

or maybe just his Corleone overseers.

OneYieldRegular October 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Better yet, why not demand that Obama perform a miracle to prove that he's REALLY the Hope-iness messiah?

Fare la Volpe October 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Alan Colmes? Who the hell thinks of Alan Colmes as a clout-bearing verifier of anything?

Crank_Tango October 13, 2010 at 2:40 pm

people who think he is an actual liberal, i.e. people who watch fox?

Also, people who thought that white basketball team that always played the globetrotters was an actual team?

mumbly_joe October 13, 2010 at 2:53 pm

To be fair, Blue America is actually a fairly decent blog. Better than Jane Hamsher's Internet Concern, at very least. Plus, Colmes has a face for blogging, so there's that, too (maybe not fat enough, tho)

Beowoof October 13, 2010 at 3:13 pm

You know Jane is awfully pissed off all the time.

Oblios_Cap October 13, 2010 at 3:03 pm

They must have all developed ulcers when the black guys always beat their team!

BarackMyWorld October 13, 2010 at 6:58 pm
kenlayisalive October 13, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Right on. Except for when Hannity's needs his ass licked, I'm doubtful Alan Colmes receives many calls about anything.

mrblifil October 13, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Alan Colmes is widely regarded as a feckless impotent ponce who mouths drivel and would be useless in a bar fight. Even liberals harbor fantasies of punching his glasses off his cadaverous face. Invoking his name gets an automatic laugh among the intended audience, since their internal shame only allows laughter that entails pointing and laughing at others they view as inferior. It's like a conservative's idea of crafting a joke, except way less effort is expended.

Wadisay October 13, 2010 at 3:12 pm

I'm a little surprised Stephen Hawking has been hired as Fox'es token liberal spokesman.

LionelHutzEsq October 13, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Give Mr. Colmes credit, he is very good at meekly being run over by insane shouting Conservatives. All and all, an ideal liberal by FOX viewer standards.

(Honestly, I like Alan, and Hannity is boring now that there isn't even the smallest amount of balance, but by the Gods he needed to learn to call out Hannity, O'Reilly's etc. bull).

x111e7thst October 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm

How about Obama just lays his dick on the table and invites Limbaugh to choke on it. I would pay actual money for an actual newspaper to read that story.

Katydid October 13, 2010 at 2:48 pm

This is why I read Wonkette. I love you now.

danceswithpalin October 13, 2010 at 3:25 pm

I love him too! I can haz hiz babiez plz?

Damn auto spell check, had to type that out 3 times.

freakishlywrong October 13, 2010 at 3:01 pm

The p is strong with you, x11e7thst..I'm still laughing…

petehammer October 13, 2010 at 3:03 pm

With all of Rush's practice deep-throating Republicans over the years, I think he'd have enough practice to avoid choking.

Oh, wait, the size issue.

JMPEsq October 13, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Ram it down his throat.

LionelHutzEsq October 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm

The problem is that all the Oxycontin relaxes his throat so much, that Rush can deep throat a horse. Just ask Carl Paladino, he has film of it.

mrblifil October 13, 2010 at 3:44 pm

Rush pays actual money for nearly the precise scenario you describe…

SayItWithWookies October 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Shouldn't there be something from one of President Obama's native countries as well? I vote for a durien.

x111e7thst October 13, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Notice in the lobby of my Hue hotel.

"It is forbidden to take to the room
the prostitute, the stinky fruit
or the explosive"

LionelHutzEsq October 13, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Stinky prostitutes are all right, though?

Failure_Artist October 13, 2010 at 7:25 pm

The prostitute? Which one?

gurukalehuru October 13, 2010 at 3:15 pm

I ate a durien once. My curiosity is satisfied. Not worth it.

capitolhillblly October 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm

If Haynesworth is coming, don't be scrimping on the wine and Combos.

Beowoof October 13, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Fat Albert will be hungry. And he might stomp on your face if you run out of food.

Laughitoff22 October 13, 2010 at 2:40 pm

I suppose he also wants Obama to bring his copy of the bible with him too, so he can recite some scripture and prove that he isn't one of them there muslins…

LionelHutzEsq October 13, 2010 at 3:22 pm

The devil can recite scripture….

JMPEsq October 13, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Hell, since atheists know the Bible a lot than Christians they'll probably claim that means he's a sekrit atiest (though I wish that were true).

chickensmack October 13, 2010 at 2:40 pm

"I had to show my birth certificate in order to be on the ballot."

Obama, 2007, presidential race. QED, asshole.

JMPEsq October 13, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Or he could release a scanned copy of his birth certificate over the internet; you know, like he did in 2008.

Ruhe October 13, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Perhaps they need to see the real document in person because it has an invisible treasure map on the back, just like the constitution.

GOPCrusher October 13, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Thought that was the Declaration of Independence?

thx11380 October 13, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Oh yea, I can see it now. He bends to their every bizzare paranoid BS wish only to have them turn it into a shroud of turin circus with creationist scientists analyzing the fibers using Divining rods or whatever the fuck to try prove it's a forgery.

It would never end which is precisely what they want.

V572625694 October 13, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Hopey: Rush, Alan, Madame Speaker, Leader McConnell, Mr Justice Scalia, I'm pleased that you could all join me on this important occasion, and I'm grateful to Fox News for sending Sean Hannity to provide color commentary. Without further ado, here's my birth certificate. You've all seen an image of it on the Web. Now can someone please explain to me what the fuss was all about?

Hannity: But why did it take FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, Mr Obamar?

weejee October 13, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Is there not enough oak in the whole wide world to make enough stakes to put this vampire story and its spawn to rest?

inedal October 13, 2010 at 2:49 pm

fox does not want this story to end. plain and simple.

GOPCrusher October 13, 2010 at 5:21 pm

The Obamar Birf Certificate Mystery=The Whitewater investigation of the 10's

Eve8Apples October 13, 2010 at 2:50 pm

NO, NOT THE PUPPIES! God only know what those bastards would do to those sweet, little puppies. I suspect they would end up on the menu.

Beowoof October 13, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Stir fried by labor from China that will work for cheap.

Missyb9479 October 13, 2010 at 2:52 pm

My Birther "friend" says that as soon as Obama releases a birth certificate with a signed doctor's name on it that he will be happy. He only needs to know the doctor's name so he can go and ask the guy if he remembers delivering baby Obama.

He's one of the people who thinks that Obama's grandmother had an affair with Malcolm X and that his teenage mother just pretended to be pregnant because that's exactly how these things worked back then. Teen Mom's being all fake pregnant to protect the reputation of their mother's. That is a good and logical theory.

PsycWench October 13, 2010 at 3:25 pm

And if that doctor is dead, which might well be for a physican practicing in 1961, this will mean that Obama paid a hit man to keep the doctor from blabbing that he didn't sign the certificate after all, or was paid to do so.

imissopus October 13, 2010 at 2:54 pm

And that food better not be halal.

Buzz Feedback October 13, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Dog's only showing if he can bring Duane Lee.

Come here a minute October 13, 2010 at 3:03 pm

…maybe one justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

But NOT a wise latina one!

Beowoof October 13, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Bring the Black one, so Obama will feel he has kindred spirit in the room. Oh wait, nevermind.

nounverb911 October 13, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Bring the Black one
You mean the one with the pubic hair fetish?

dr_giraud October 13, 2010 at 6:08 pm

Or one of them SOFTBALL PLAYERS if ya know what I mean.

bringmeanaxe October 13, 2010 at 3:04 pm

I'm absolutely convinced that the first thing the Republicans are going to do if (when?) they win back the House is start impeachment proceedings against Obama.

JMPEsq October 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm

This batch would be even crazier than Newt's Kids, so they probably wouldn't even need the pretense of legitimacy provided by blowjobs.

SarcasticNymph October 13, 2010 at 5:22 pm

I think being black trumps getting head here.

BarackMyWorld October 13, 2010 at 6:50 pm

One of my high school teachers once joked he got pulled over all the time for "being a n***** on a sunny day," so there's precedent.

(Yes, I really had black high school teachers, you racists.)

GOPCrusher October 13, 2010 at 5:24 pm

I think they will pass a bill to completely repeal Obamacare. When Obama vetoes it, they will use that for the reason of impeachment.

freakishlywrong October 13, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Holy shit, that guest list would be like throwing six cats in to a pillowcase.

slappypaddy October 13, 2010 at 3:06 pm

it is such a relief to know that congresspersons are not persons who actually engage in any important work that might distract them from their odd hobby of going around with their thumbs stuck up their asses.

Beowoof October 13, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Regularly switching so they can suck their other thumb at the same time.

Oblios_Cap October 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Harriet Miers, mental lightweight that she is, will get lost trying to find the party.

It's another fine example of American Exceptionalism that, in order to be a candidate for office representing one of our two political parties, the only qualification is that a person needs is to be the biggest and most willfully ignorant piece of shit running.

DCHatesMe October 13, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Tim Walberg .. fantasy based solutions for fantasy based problems .. you can trust.

EdFlintstone October 13, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Obama will bring it just as soon as Walberg proves he can both read and knows Hawaii is a state.

nounverb911 October 13, 2010 at 5:56 pm

By the way, can Walberg see Canada from his house?

grendelg October 13, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Shouldn't there be 80's romantic music, sex toys, condoms, fuzzy handcuffs, an obvious video taping setup, etc? They can borrow it from James O'Keefe.

Beowoof October 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm

More evidence that the schools aren't working when you have dumb shits like this with a possiblity of winning. What happened to thinking?

MistaEko October 13, 2010 at 3:42 pm

He takes President Obama “at his word"?

Fucking moderates. This party used to stand for something.

aguacatero October 13, 2010 at 4:04 pm

When they use that formulation ("at his word"), the teabagger candidates know they evoke in the Teabagger midbrain (where teabagger analysis occurs) the notion that taking Obama at his word means taking it only for what his word (as a Muslin foreign black person of shifting shape) is worth, which is nothing.

WorkTheSaxofone October 13, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Republicans remind me of the Twiddlebugs from Sesame St.

elviouslyqueer October 13, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Fanta? Fanta? Oh no, Jack, when Lemon Tab goes so much better with Pizza Combos. That, or Ripple.

Anthr_DCLwyr3d October 13, 2010 at 5:01 pm

I think we can all agree that the cast of iCarly is a better fit than Zack and Cody.

elviouslyqueer October 13, 2010 at 5:27 pm

No no. Hannah Montana, the Early Years.

HistoriCat October 13, 2010 at 5:06 pm

“Rush Limbaugh, Alan Colmes, Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, and maybe one justice of the U.S. Supreme Court”
Thank you all for coming … now, if Nancy will join me up here, we will reveal the certificate.
(After she climbs the stairs)
I'm sorry gentlemen but your foolishness has become more than I can bear.
(Floor retracts into walls, dumping them into shark-filled tank)

SarcasticNymph October 13, 2010 at 5:32 pm

"If it was me, I'd get Rush Limbaugh, Nancy Pelosi, Justin Beiber, Clarence Thomas, Tinky-Winky, the Swedish Bikini team, three toy poodles, a John Deere tractor, Trig Palin and the corpse of Herve Villechaize together in a room with the birth certificate, whiskey, a selection of bennies, and a large vat of mustard, and just see what happens."

MLite October 14, 2010 at 10:50 am

I'm sorry, birth certificate cakes are not real proof, since Hawaii shifted to all cake records in the 1990s.

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