Dancing With the Stars: Insidious Mind Control?

  rumors on the internets
  • McDonald’s was SECRETLY Halal for a day or two, which infuriated the Teabaggers because they paid for PIG-anus, goddamnit, not some disgusting Sharia meat. [Creeping Sharia]
  • Science proves that Moses used miracle wind-power, just like Captain Planet, to part the Red Sea. [InstituteForCreationResearch]
  • Monopolies are actually GOOD for competitive enterprise, because it makes the competition pull up their bootstraps THAT MUCH HARDER. [Breitbart]
  • Liberals are just jealous of Meg Whitman, because they all want to be rich white ladies, just like her. [TheBlackSphere]
  • Remember when Obama FORCED all the teevees to become digital? Well it turns out that was just a secret mind control plot. Typical. [PPG Gazette]

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About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at Twitter.com/BenjaminFrisch

View all articles by Benjamin Frisch

Hola wonkerados.

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48 comments

  1. petehammer

    If those Creeping Sharia people ever find out what the K on food packaging means… get ready for a holy war! "My twinkies and cheetos are Jew compliant? What kind of alternate universe bullcrap is this? I want Christian twinkies!"

  2. ph7

    Wait- if it was just a strong wind, and not Moses' mighty mind mojo, that parted the Red Sea, doesn't that tend to disprove one of superpowers of the Jesus cult? I'm missing the point.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Apply Xtian lojik.

      God made the wind, see. Thus Moses called god. God made the wind that parted the Red Sea, see?

      But cognitive abilities, lojik and facts weren't their strong suits.

  3. JMPEsq

    UHF broadcasts are being used to secretly control our minds? Say it ain't so, Weird Al!

    So I guess this would explain why, as a kid, I would spend the mid-afternoon making exaggerated pratfalls and telling in bad puns, often ending with a statement of the days' lesson from dad, and the late afternoons fighting malevolent yet incompetent evil; while today people spend the time taking pregnancy tests, engaging in overwrought and possibly affairs, and suing each other over petty bullshit before stern, no nonsense fake judges.

    Still, after the "Creeping Sharia" crap, a good old-fashioned non-racist paranoid conspiracy theory is refreshing.

  4. V572625694

    Breitbart: 'A better question is why we tolerate governments—larger than any company they regulate—interfering so blatantly in competitive enterprise, denying consumers the superior market responses to the “monopolistic” behavior they claim to be addressing.'

    Jeebus Xrist they're right! Remember how great it was when AT&T had a monopoly except on rural areas they didn't find profitable, and 10-minute phone call to your gramma in Omaha on Christmas cost $7.50, and you had to pay $1.50 a month if you wanted a longer cord on your handset, and it was illegal to buy a phone at Radio Shack and hook it up the wall? Those were the days!

    1. Bluestatelibel

      I also think it's great that today gas prices are soaring even though demand is at an all-time low and supply is high. It's the magic of the free market!

    2. James Michael Curley

      I have always said; we were much happier as a people when we had only one phone company to hate.

  5. elviouslyqueer

    So Creeping Sharia is bitching because somebody actually put real chicken in their Chicken McNuggets, amirite?

    1. JMPEsq

      Well, if the chicken is killed in a manner that's acceptable to devout Muslims, then it tastes completely different. Oh wait, no, it's exactly the same; by caring about this the Creeping Sharia folks must think the halal meet has magical powers, maybe to turn people Muslim; which would mean that Allah must exist, and have powers to rival Yahweh/Jesus (ignore the fact that Allah and Yahweh are one the same).

        1. JMPEsq

          Oh yeah? Well my god is Thor, and he can summon lighting, is as strong as the Hulk, and carries a magic hammer that can smash anything; he can totally kick your god's ass.

  6. Ducksworthy

    Note to Kevin Jackson. Nice try kid but the rich white people's is not going to give you their money unless you are: funny (forget that one), an extremely talented athlete (?) or a rabidly insane anti-black racist (see Clayton Bigsby). Gonna have to amp it up along one of these themes, or all three. Couldn't hurt.

  7. freakishlywrong

    Dear Mr. Benjamin Frisch, thank you for wading in to that cesspool. I shall glean the gist of those sites through the snarky prism of my fellow Wonketeers, cuz dude, I aint' clicking the clicky on any of that shit. I'm still reeling from the shrillboard in the last post.

  8. Serolf_Divad

    BREAKING: Institute for Creation Research paper proves existence of God not necessary for parting of Red Sea.

    Wait… what?

    1. chickensmack

      Wait until they find out Jesus died of "natural causes," because it's completely unnatural for a person to survive a crucifixion and stabbing.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Now don't be ridiculous — first of all, the ICR would never actually sully themselves with scientific research — it was someone else's paper and the guys in white coats at the ICR just wrote about it.
      Secondly, every creationist should be hard at work finding naturalistic explanations for the miracles and oddities in the Bible, since they themselves say that there is not an iota of proof for God's existence. If they assert (as I believe they do) that God wants us to believe in him through faith alone and not through evidence, then any evidence of God's existence or interaction with the real world must logically be refuted. Thus creationism can only be true in a universe without the least little bit of evidence for God's existence. QED.

    3. SarcasticNymph

      One reviewer was great on this point:

      … there is scant, if any, evidence that the documented event ever took place, as there appears to be little archaeological evidence of any Jewish habitation in Egypt, nor, hence, any exodus. Clearly, scientific phenomena cannot be defined merely in some bestseller, or we'd be reviewing heaps of vampire and alien studies. Which, in this case, leaves us with a paper that explains a phenomenon that most likely never existed…

      There is a simple means to rectify this error and justify the publication of this paper in a peer-reviewed scientific journal such as PLoS One. One of the many values of science is to educate the public that supernatural explanations of observable or documented phenomena are not necessary. Thus, where this paper has failed is not in its reference to some religious text. It did fail to mention that there is little if any evidence to support the phenomenon described in the religious text. The paper thus fails to emphasize that even if that event had taken place, it would not have required a deity and that whoever attributed it to a deity was either gullible or a con-artist.

      In contrast to bestsellers featuring vampires or aliens, religious bestsellers seem to enjoy a readership that fails to recognize the fiction in these books. I am of the opinion that it is one of the tasks of science to clear up such misconceptions, especially if they are as widespread as in some major world religions. This paper could have dealt a double, rather than just a single blow to religious superstition: the exodus never happened and even if it happened, it wouldn't have required a deity.

      The lead author copped out and replied the "historicity of Exodus is outside the scope of the paper". Lame.

  9. Ducksworthy

    And Wow! Untreated paranoid schizophrenics have their own magazine now? It would be interesting to see how much overlap their is between subscriber to Paranoid Peoples Gazette and Guns and Ammo. Or maybe I'd rather not think about that.

  10. chickensmack

    Quoted from ICR article:

    "Whether or not the results of this study hold water will be left up to the scientists."

    Less interesting is the irony that they're discussing how the Red Sea got parted. More interesting is that a bunch of Christians would ask scientists.

    1. Giveusabob

      Which reminds of the quote on that Richard Dawkins T-shirt you see floating around:

      "The Bible says modern people are the result of incestuous relations Cain and his brothers had with their sisters. Science says we are all descendants of Africans. I believe science"

    2. mumbly_joe

      Well, they're going to ask the scientists, and if the scientists agree with them, then everything's fine, but if they don't confirm thier speculation, then they are WRONG and EBIL.

      This is, of course, exactly how science works, so there's no problem: scientists come up with a semi-plausible explanation, and then look for evidence that supports that explanation, and completely ignore or condemn anything that doesn't, and thus, science happens. This is, after all, how scientists discovered spontaneous generation, lumineferous ether, and phlostigon, and where would we be today without those particular breakthroughs??

  11. Oblios_Cap

    If the government would just get out the way, the Invisible Hand would have a field day swatting down wanna-be monopolists. Remember the American Utopia that existed back before those Socialistic anti-trust laws went into effect?

    Why, there were so many jobs that even children got to work. It's not like public education has really made any of us any smarter anyway.

  12. SarcasticNymph

    Breitbart's defense of monopolies might go over better with the public if he picked a monopoly who's product actually served the public reasonably well (e.g. Ma Bell) rather than IE6.

  13. UpstateYorkee

    The super secret mind control noises were 'battlefield-tested upon unwitting Iraqi soldiers serving in the army of Saddam Hussein in the Gulf War during 1991'

    So Saddam programmed his troops to lay down their weapons and run like hell? Seems like it would have been a little out of character…

  14. Guppy06

    Falling into the "Who gives a fuck if it's halal?" category, I went and read the original Mail article.

    "McDonald's says all the chicken in its restaurants comes from poultry which has been stunned before slaughter."

    "Islamic law requires Muslims to slaughter animals by slitting their throat while reciting an Arabic prayer(.)"

    "The animal is required to be conscious but moderate Muslim groups allow it to be stunned before the throat is slit."

    So… now the Teabaggers are in favor of humane treatment of animals? Muslims are higher up on the Hate List than the Humane Society?

  15. mumbly_joe

    Oh geez, I sure hope nobody points out to these assholes that anything that's not meat is actually basically halal by default. It would be terrible if this sort of thing were discovered, and then the bigots all were forced to cut the corn syrup out of their corn syrup-and-lard diets

  16. Beowoof

    Wow, as I reflect upon the shitty service I get at so many large chains today that have no reason to worry about customer service and Brietbarts defense of monopolies I am in awe that any American would buy his argument. When did people think that everything they get has to come with a scowl and the finger for bothering the Monopoly employee while they are talking or texting on their cell phone.

    When Exxon and Mobil merged I was convinced that Bush Co was trying to bring America back to the pre Anit Trust legislation era. That allowed two of the companies formed on the break up of Standard Oil of New Jersey to rejoin. Brietfart's defense of monopolies makes me think a new John D. Rockefeller can't be far behind.

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    You all are missing the point. If you eat halal chicken, you become Muslim! It's just like the Borg or Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

  18. Tundra Grifter

    While I was surprised to learn there is such a thing as Muslin Chicken, the real surprise is there is actually chicken in a Chicken McNuggett.

    I saw a photo recently – looked like strawberry goup – and it was the chicken "meat" before being fried.

    Everyday I come to Wonkette and learn something I never knew. Often to my regret, of course…

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