what's next speed limits?

Guvmint Thugs Will Steal Your Cell Phone After Stealing Your Baby

These yes ban these NOWNow that armed government dragoons have taken away your child, really the only thing you have left to console you is to drive around the arterial road out by the Wal-Mart and the Hardees and just shout at your friends through your cell phone about how you’re going to get those gummint fuckers. Except that pretty soon, in a blatant blow against freedom of speech, assembly, and probably a bunch of other freedoms, you won’t even be able to do that, because token Republican cabinet guy Ray La Hood wants all in-car communication to be illegal, for the flimsy reason that thousands of Americans are dying, every day, due to cell phones.

In a shocking move, LaHood’s proposed ban will affect not just people yelling meth-addled nonsense into their prepaid Cricket phones as they drive the pick-up truck down to the gun store, but also elitists who sync their iPhones up with their Prius’s in-car Bluetooth functionality. When did the government start targeting the rich? Did we vote for Democrats or something?

U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood says he believes motorists are distracted by any use of mobile phones while driving, including hands-free calls, as his department begins research that may lead him to push for a ban.

LaHood, 64, said even hands-free phone conversations are a “cognitive distraction.” Calling for a ban on hands-free communications is a possible outcome of research under way at the Transportation Department’s National Highway Traffic Safety Administration into all driver distractions, Olivia Alair, a department spokeswoman, said.

Big government regulators are also trying to nip exciting auto-innovations in the bud:

Related video

OnStar, with about 5.7 million subscribers, is testing an application that would let users make audio updates to their Facebook pages and have messages from the social-media site read to them while driving. The system already provides crash- notification services as well as directions and information such as vehicle diagnostics.

“I’m absolutely opposed to all of that,” LaHood said, when asked about drivers using the Facebook and Twitter social networks. “That would be the biggest distraction of all. All of that is well beyond the idea that you’re really trying to avoid distracted driving.”

Look, bureaucrat, you’re going about this all wrong! When people want to update their Facebooks while driving, the solution isn’t to ban in-car Facebook apps. The solution is to ban humanity, because it is obviously fundamentally broken.

Anyway, this probably is all part of the Left’s longstanding plot to force real Americans to take the bus. (Fox News knows that this has been in the works since the days of “Lynden Johnson.”) Go ahead and update your Twitter all you want on the subway, sheeple! [Bloomberg]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

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121 comments

  1. DoctorAwesomus

    Honestly? I'm one of those dickbags who has gotten distracted checking Facebook while driving. It's actually terrifying and not cool at all.

    I briefly considered changing the sig line on my Mail app to "Sent from my iPhone while driving" except that's not actually funny and is practically begging Irony to kill me on the road (ironically, because someone else was sending an email while driving).

    Dr. Awesomus: Part of the Problem.

    /eats Luther Burger
    /shits pants

  2. Serolf_Divad

    Oh yeah? Well, tell that sumbitch LaHood that he can have my Plantronics 855 when he surgically removes it from my bloodied ear canal after using the Jaws of Life to extract what's left of my horrifically mangled corpse from the grotesquely twisted shell of what once was a shitty little Japanese subcompact.

  3. loquacioustunes

    Raymond LaHood is always hard
    You come talkin' that trash, he'll pull your card
    Knowin' nothin' in life but to be legit
    Don't quote him, boy—he ain't said shit.

  4. DashboardBuddha

    Facebook from the car? Awesome! I can't wait for the day when I'm driving to work in my 10 year old car, paying close attention to my driving, only to be t-boned and killed by some yuppie who is giggling on facebook about her baby's bowel movements…or to some adulterous guy who gets hot and distracted by his girlfriend's sexxxy comments on twitter.

    You know what? Fuck this world.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        You laugh…but back in the day I used to give a loser co-worker of mine to work. Christ she was annoying! But, luckily the bobbling Buddha on the dash entertained her no end. Her laugh was annoying…but much less than her voice or her idiotic opinions. That little bobble dude kept me from committing murder.

    1. chickensmack

      You can buy a new Mercedes that ducks out of the way of the oncoming nuisance cars. You're either part of the economic recovery solution, or you're the economic recovery problem.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Nice idea…but what happens if while swerving out of the way of one car, you find yourself faced with another Facebook on the Road moran? You can't be lucky all of the time, and they have to be lucky just once.

        1. Swampgas_Man

          See, this is just another way for the Obarmist Jew-Nazis to take away our FREEDUMBS!11! Eventually, we'll all be in Govermint-controlled cars, and UNABLE TO CELL-PHONE FOR HELP when they automatically drive us to the Death-Panels.

      2. GOPCrusher

        That commercial pisses me off to no end. Every single story is a perfect example of someone that needed to die in a horrifying manner. They were either falling asleep or not paying attention, so what do the Germans do? Build a car to protect these dumbasses.
        The aliens cannot invade this planet soon enough.

  5. JMPEsq

    But what will this mean for Ford's plans to offer cars with a built-in web browser on the dashboard, conveniently right at the driver's right hand? (No seriously, this is a real multiple someones think is a good idea).

    1. V572625694

      Shouldn't be a big problem.

      Mulally: "Mr President, how would you like to be faced with another auto bailout?"
      Obamar: "Uh, not too much."
      Mullally: "The music toys in our cars are the one thing that make them distinctive from all the other atomic cockroaches and planet-destroying 4x4s on the road. If you kill that, we're dead, and you're on the subway to Bailout Station."
      Obamar: "Thanks, Alan….Somebody get that LaHood moran in here."

      1. Swampgas_Man

        Yes, but those "crash- notification services" will come in ever more handy!

        Can someone explain to me, if we're all unemployed and foreclosed on, why Detroit is designing more and more bells and whistles for our electronic suicide machines?

        1. JMPEsq

          Well you can't expect them to make cars that actually perform better than Japanese or Korean models, and all the good ideas for excesses (like electronic Child Distraction Devices in the BACK seat) have already been done.

          1. lumpenprole

            We seem to be beating the world when it comes to those little faux air-ducts, trucknutz and mock tail pipes. Take that, foreigns.

        2. gvvt

          So who needs all those unemployed homeless people wandering around? And – if someone happens to survive the crash, they'll need a new car.

    2. HELisforHEL

      Oh that's a great idea. People already know how to hack DVD players they've mounted in the dash so they'll work while in motion. This idea would certainly make the commute even more fabulous. Because I don't see enough earth-crushing SUVs flying down the highway, movie playing in the front, trying to get to the casino to 'win big' as it is. Perhaps soon they'll be able to play online poker on the way. NOW TAHT,S WHAT I CALL FREEDUMB!!11!!!

  6. x111e7thst

    I'm working on a way to update my facebook while riding my motorcycle. It's not functional yet but I have had several near death experiences so I know I'm on the right track.

  7. Katydid

    But freedumb! Remember that first hard-on you got with your first f/b update? It'll be like that, only triple! USA USA

  8. ManchuCandidate

    I'd rather they change FCC rules to allow car mounted directional cellphone jammers which cause handsets to emit ear piercing screams and deafen the morons talking on them.

    Or my personal fav, allow people to turn their cars into Mad Max mobiles with rams and human skull as a hood ornament. I'm one of the fortunates who work from home (I used to commute a lot so my middle finger might have gotten soft and fat from disuse) but if the laws were changed, I'd drive around wearing a Viking helmet, hockey pads and leather jumper crashing into random assholes on the road while shrieking "Get some! Get some!!!"

    1. V572625694

      It would be enough if you could just send the user that Punishment Tone the phone company gives you when you dial a bad number.

  9. chickensmack

    What a great marketing ploy!

    "I can facebook through OnStar?! What kind of cars are they in? GM?! Sold!!"

    LaHood and Obama: "CHA-CHING!"

    1. PsycWench

      hey, if you survive the wreck you'll have to buy more cars. So there's that. Hard to think of it as a stimulus plan, though.

  10. JMPEsq

    Honestly, every time I deal with another annoying subway delay, or a fat person, non-bather or kid who won't sit still sits next to me, stories like this remind me why it's worth it.

    1. HELisforHEL

      I so miss the train. I would gladly sit next to 'smelly-what-is-that-urine?-Guy' or 'hummin' my hymns to Jeebus' Lady, or 'screaming into my phone Asshole (either gender)' again. My yogic mellow is always set to harsh since I started this jerb.

  11. weejee

    even hands-free phone conversations are a “cognitive distraction.

    So are the passengers you are arguing with about what Jeebus would serve Moses and Mohammed for Easter dinner; the big play in the game your listening to; the E7+9 Hendrix just played; the gal with big teeth jogging down the sidewalk; and worst of the worst the precious mucking fonsters in the back seat – like the woman wuz tending when she ran a red light and T-boned #4 son.

    Guess Ray is going to have to ban car pool lanes cuz you can't carry distracting passengers, no in-car radios, teevees, and any muzak player thingees, and all pedestrian and bike riding wumenz will have to wear burkas. The end.

    1. HistoriCat

      Complete car redesign. The driver is in his/her own bubble to avoid back seat interruptions. Why, yes I have small children – how did you know?

      1. DemmeFatale

        Maybe you're too young for this, but when our girls were little, we wished for a "cone of silence."

    2. HELisforHEL

      That's true–better half gets an earful from me if he's fussing with the radio–until I remember that I'm just as guilty of that.
      I don't know what the answer is-better driver's ed? My gearhead Dad taught me at 14, so I dunno. Phone jammers? How long would that take to hack? More voice activated stuff? Does that crap even work that well?
      So sorry to hear about your kid.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      The research behind this suggests people in the car, while generally annoying as fuck, are better than calls/texts because they start noticing if you are driving badly and/or a dangerous condition exists.

      Kids don't count, though – they just have to fucking be ignored if you want to live.

  12. prommie

    Driving while stupid is pretty dangerous, too, and driving while angry, and driving while tired. Driving while human, is the worst, what with humans being, at all times and in every way, you know, less than perfect. And, to all safety-nazis everywhere, fuck off. I want my see-saws back.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I've seen fucksticks reading an honest to god print newspaper spread out across their steering wheel and dashboard.

      I've seen ladies putting mascara on with 70 mph finesse.

      The sheer amount of self-or-other pleasuring that we've all witnessed goes without saying.

      The nursing mother's? Nursing won't even be legal anymore with these frigid Life-Happens-And-Then-It's-Your-Problem values voters.

      1. prommie

        You've never read a newspaper? Hell, try mixing a martini, while getting head, and driving, now thats a good time.

  13. PsycWench

    Can anyone tell me what would need to take place on Facebook that is so important that you need to take care of it while hurtling hundreds of pounds of steel 70 mph on a highway filled with other steel things? Coz I just click like on my friends' baby pictures and stuff like that. I guess I'm missing something.

    1. JMPEsq

      Status update: OMG Baby McDumbshit is doing the cutest thing back in her baby seat I'll snap a pic in a sec

    2. lumpenprole

      If seeing an "O HAI!" from someone that you haven't thought of in 20 years isn't justification enough for a freeway pileup, then the terrorists have won.

    3. DemmeFatale

      The Youngs are totally dependent on technology. In Hawaii, (Hawaii!), the beach was secondary to bouts of posting on Facebook.

  14. iburl

    So, the plan is to remove all "cognitive distractions" I guess my kid rides in the trunk from now on. Actually safer in there from George Soros' snatching hands. Also I guess roadside billboards, car radios, cd players, and in car conversation will also be banned. Safety first!

  15. NorthStarSpanx

    But we need in-car communications so that John McCain's asshole brother can use his cell to call 911 and complain about the Metro area traffic. And how about Joe MIller's rear-ending a vehicle while tweeting "Murkowski is a whore?"

    Revealing that entitlement mentality is priceless and worth T(alking/texting)WD over DUI's any day.

  16. Mindblank

    According to Car and Driver magazine, driving while intoxicated added 4 feet to stopping distance at 70 mph, while reading an email added 36 feet and texting added 70 feet. So, can we drink while driving again?

    1. V572625694

      No, but before and after are still okay until you get caught. Keeps the trips short, and thus the terrorists lose because you use less gas.

    1. ph7

      Mixed bag, Bruce. He can get all jesus-y, too. We never find out who put the bullet hole in Peggy's kitchen wall.

  17. PsycWench

    When the indignation of "The government's telling me when I can use Facebook!" meets the paranoid of "The government's monitoring me through Facebook!", the cognitive dissonance could cause serious brain damage to those who can least afford it.

  18. Texan_Bulldog

    "Now that armed government dragoons" needs to read:

    "Now that armed government jack-booted thugs…" Come on, Josh. Were you even paying attention during the Elian Gonzalez saga?

  19. johnnyzhivago

    It's true that cellphones and computers are about to be banned in cars – HOWEVER – the good news is that the NRA has slipped an ammendment into the law that will finally make it legal to fire your assault rifle – while driving – at any car with an Obama or COEXIST bumper sticker.

    1. GOPCrusher

      That's already legal in Texas, as long as you hand your beer to the passenger first, before firing the weapon.

  20. VaWyo

    You know how there are special train cars that are cell phone free? There should be special roads that are cell phone free. Sane people who want to live injury free will use those roads and the cell phone roads will be like a demolition derby.

  21. JMPEsq

    OK, the defenders of driving while not paying attention to avoiding a possibly fatal accident have convinced me. Now I am so disgusted with wonkette that I will not read anything someone associated with them wrote. I mean really, laughing about a family whose right to chatter away or furiously type while they're zooming down the highway at 75 mph is taken away by the state? And you’re just laughing because the family has dumbass tendencies? Fuck you.

    1. prommie

      Our transportation system is inherently dangerous, and no matter what you do, will produce a certain number of deaths per person-mile travelled. This moral demonization of anyone who encounters any of the myriad of unavoidable risk factors is, well, dumb. Noone is free from distraction, ever. Sometimes shit fucking happens.

      1. JMPEsq

        Yeah, but talking on a cell phone; or even worse, text messaging or web browsing; are completely avoidable risk factors; obnoxious brats are not (well they are, but it requires avoidance years earlier, and knowledge of how to use a condom or take the pill, which many Americans lack).

      2. Chet Kincaid

        I call b.s. I don't see any figures in your pontification there. And besides, I don't need any to know from experience that sending a text or reading a goddamned newspaper while driving is more dangerous and distracting than listening to the radio. Risk increases and decreases in increments, and some are whopping.

        Just to be clear, I think people who text, read or do anything else that tunnels their visual attention while driving should have the book thrown at them. I don't think making or receiving a phone call does this, or using your GPS, so long as its mounted within the field of vision of the road.

        1. prommie

          Your willing to lay some heavy moral judgments on some minor differences in statistical incidence rates, you dig? Kinda like saying, its irresponsible gambling to buy one lottery ticket, but its a safe investment to buy 100, because you have 100 more chances to win.

      3. spooked911

        This is true. Fact is, I read Wonkette and other blogs on my iphone all the time while driving. But I just drive extra careful. I've actually had more close calls while reading roadside signs or looking at the radio than looking at my phone.

    1. Mindblank

      The Founding Fathers would've definitely allowed us our Farmville, especially while driving. They predicted the Intarwebs, automobiles, and computer programs and made allowances for them in the Constitution.

  22. knichols

    We should get rid of temper-tantrum throwing toddlers in car seats. Now there's a driving distraction. Strap 'em to the roof of the car instead.

  23. DCHatesMe

    This is just one step away from banning distractive bumper stickers. If you can read this, take 10 years off your life expectency.

  24. Terry

    Quite honestly, the passengers in my car are usually more of a distraction than is the occasional phone call. I can hang up a call, but am stuck with the passengers. Maybe the DOT will give me a license restriction where I can't drive people places unless I actually want to do so. That would be a big help.

  25. prommie

    Oh holy fuck, it just hit me, what about road-head? No, no, I tell you, I will never, never give up road head.

    1. mrblifil

      As someone who nearly wrecked the first and only time that was ever attempted upon my person, I cannot ascribe to your views. The same applies to masturbating to pictures of Xtine OD on my iPhone 4 while driving. I try to avoid doing it, when possible.

    2. HistoriCat

      Don't worry – all that deferred maintenance on infrastructure means that we'll have so many potholes in the roads that road-head would be too dangerous. Unless, of course, the other party has no teeth.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Car radios don't take your eyes off the road. Billboards are out in the environment you're driving in, not in your hand. Is this really so hard to figure out?

      1. prommie

        Then get a heads-up display that will reflect the twitter page on the inside of the windshield; I agree, whats so hard to understand about that? But nooooo, the hand-wringers would say "its too dangerous, Mr. Promnight, won't someone think of the children, Mr. Promnight," and the lawyers will be suing the shit out of me just because some incompetent morons can't twit and drive at the same time, like its my fault just for selling them an automotive internet heads-up-display. Fuck that, go sue the auto dealer for selling the morons a car, the very moral equivalent of giving a retard a loaded gun, I says.

      2. spooked911

        Car radios DO take your eyes off the road! One of the few accidents I had– many years ago– was being distracted by the radio.

  26. prommie

    I for one wait with quivering anticipation for a jack-booted thug to shove safety down my throat! Won't someone think of the children? Oh, the humanity.

  27. Beowoof

    I once rolled into cop when I lifted my foot off the brake pedal while reaching into the back seat to separate my two kids who were busy beating each other. My ex-wife watched and asked them politely to stop that, they did not and hence my move to break it up.
    Now the point of the story is that my kids were always a much worse distraction than my cell phone because they always seemed to wind up in a fight.

    Also, I don' t understand the whole Facebook phenomenon, as it really is just people talking about a bunch of shit I don't really care about. And don't get me started on the stupid games.

    1. Katydid

      Ur doing it wrong. My father could beat me and my brother with his right hand while driving smoothly with his left, never taking his eyes off the road.

      When my mother made him stop beating us, he would say, "Don't make me pull this car over," and we usually stopped beating each other. On very bad days, he would have to put on his right turn signal, and we would quake with fear. They're not called the Greatest Generation for nothing.

      1. binarian

        Damn. We had the same childhood. My dad's variation was the quarter head turn and turn on scary glare function. Shut us right the fuck up.

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        I had a similar, though much more subtle way of dealing with with my kids, back in their backseat-battling days: When the din in the back gets too distracting, wait for a safe lull in traffic (ie. make sure there's tons of space between you and everyone else on the road) then do a lurching back-and-forth swerve, and slam on the brakes, hard. They immediately forget what they were arguing about.

        This is also more fun and guilt-free than actually pounding on your kid.

  28. Extemporanus

    But it's still okay to fap to the Japanese tentacle porn DVD playing on my in-dash flatscreen while driving, right?

    RIGHT?!

    1. SarcasticNymph

      I believe Eric Cantor introduced a specific exception for that in the latest bill.

      The real question is what about those in-dash tentacle porn video games?

  29. JustPixelz

    This explains why The Google is working on a car the drives itself (search news "drives itself") so wonketteers can post comments without recklessly imperilling the safety of others.

      1. natoslug

        I guess I'm not good enough at multitasking. I had a girlfriend who liked giving them during road trips, and I inevitably ended up swerving all over the place and having acceleration problems. The fear of crashing and having her bite off the twig and berries during impact led me to always pull over.

  30. WhatTheHeck

    Now, how the hell can you pull out your gun to shoot at some dickhead driver on the road while facebookin’ and twitterin’ at the same time. You need ro pay attention while driving to see who deserves to be shot at.

  31. ByronTheBulb

    The WIkipeeeeda says that Steven Crowder is an "actor" and a "writer" and a "stand-up comedian" with an extensive filmography involving stuff no one has ever heard of. I, for one, look forward to watching him start to blame the "left-wing Hollywood bias" for his failings as he ages.

  32. MistaEko

    MistaEko has responded to your photo album: Ben's going away party "OMG U LOOK SOO WASTED!" (sent from Onstar Onboard)
    MistaEko has crashed his Ford Taurus at 18th and Wilshire
    47 people like this.

  33. deanbooth

    The trigger that deploys air bags should automatically activate a web cam, instantly uploading video to YouTube. Who wouldn't subscribe to the Screaming Faces of Car Death channel?

  34. The Canda Verses

    Hey, have any of you degenerate snarks bothered to follow this story? The mother and father were granted a brief visitation with the baby today and the mother found the baby unresponsive. She thought that she might liven the baby up by changing her diaper, and when she did so she found blood in the diaper and blood in the vaginal area. Immediately alarmed, the parents had the baby taken to the hospital where a doctor checked the injury and determined that the baby needed to be examined by a sexual abuse specialist. The sheriff's department took custody of the baby because apparently in the mere SEVEN DAYS of NH CPS custody, the child has already been severely abused.

  35. Krugmanic Depressive

    Calm down, people. By the time the regulatory process hits the public comment stage those Google Robocars will be up and running. The problem isn't being distracted while driving, the problem is that driving distracting us from running citation matrices on the results of Google Scholar.

Comments are closed.