old people gettin' busy

Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs

With good reason!Some old people in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette went bonkers on each other because of political candidate signs on somebody’s lawn. While the brutal old-on-old violence occurred back on October 4, it is just now reaching the news media because, honestly, elderly people seem to always be going on about something and who has the time to try to decipher their grunts and mumbles? What we know is this: Three humans aged 60, 85 and 92 were involved in a savage sidewalk altercation because one of them didn’t like some campaign yard sign that may or may not have been located on the lawn of the other(s). The 85-year-old man, during the course of his alleged attack on the 92-year-old and his 60-year-old daughter, tumbled over his walker. While it should be ILLEGAL IN THE CONSTITUTION to even blog about this (let alone laugh at it), we shall soldier on because this is, after all, a Lib Hate Site.

A suburban edition of the Chicago Tribune reports:

The woman came to her father’s defense, but when she tried to plant one of the signs back in the ground, the 85-year-old grabbed it. During the ensuing tug-of-war, the man allegedly hit the woman in the side of the head and shoulder. Then he lost his grip on the sign, and fell backwards over his walker, police said.

When police arrived, they offered to take the man to the hospital after he complained of a sore hip, but he refused. The man claimed the yard signs were on public property, but when a police officer disagreed, the man called him, “an idiot and a liar,” according to the police report.

It is undoubtedly true that the police officer is “an idiot and a liar,” if not in this case then certainly in most other cases. But is it a crime to be an idiot and a liar? Not in this Country, and not under our Dual Jurisdiction of the Declaration of Independence, Social Security, and the Bible. Once it is established whether any/all of these old people are Democrats/Liberals/Socialists, they will receive angry emails from the Patriot Movement, and then Sarah Palin will ride all three oldsters to the Apocalypse, which is happening Saturday in the old Circuit City building. [Tribune]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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92 comments

    1. taylormattd

      If a person were to make a youtube of olds' tumbling over their walkers, does the video editing software automatically add the Benny Hill soundtrack?

  1. axmxz

    The 85-year old just wanted that damn 60-year-old kid's toys off his lawn. At that age, concepts like "kid," "toys," "his," and "lawn" become somewhat nebulous.

  2. awesome_dude

    Of course, while this was going on, the olds in question were saying "I'm X years old!" where they should have been pausing between sentences.

  3. V572625694

    You forgot to mention our true legal system: Sharia.

    Can't wait to know the flavor of the signs and political inclination of the participants.

    1. PublicLuxury

      Who will be stoned to death? The lying cop? The sixty-year old kid's hand will be cutoff for being disrespectful.

      Next thing you know these youngsters will be racing their mobility scooters on the South Lawn of the White House.

  4. metamarcisf

    I can't tell whether or not this is supposed to be funny. It depends on whether the campaign signs in question were for or against prohibition.

  5. donner_froh

    The average household income in Wilmette is one zillion dollars per year. The 85 year old is probably close to the midpoint of the age range. They are a strange separate breed of the rich that stays close to its home range is slowly (too slowly) dying out.

    1. weejee

      Some of the rez of that hood are demrat libtards, so my money would be on the 92 year old & his daughter being of that flavor and the wigged-out 85 year old was a typical Wilmette Bircher. Me mum was born in Wilmette & lived there 'til the stock market asploded in '29 & her family moved to Missouri to live on hobo beans and catfish.

    2. fuflans

      we have a family friend in wilmette who just selebrated her 100th.

      only she's canadian so i don't know if that counts.

      1. PuckStopsHere

        It doesn't cause it's 100 in metric years–the standard they use in Canada. Goddamn, I hear a Canadian weathercaster bang on about how it's, like 12 degress outside and its goddamn hot. What a bunch of Hosers, eh?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I was hoping the 85-year-old guy was the conservative. I mean, what kind of asshole picks on a little girl, 15 years his junior?

  6. el_donaldo

    This post is ageist, anti-suburbanist, elitist, making fun of the disabled, kneejerk anti-Palinist, insulting to our men and women in blue, a mockery of our troops, offensively neglecting to obsess on the race and ethnic origin of the olds, at a level of satire and sarcasm that it would trouble and confuse weaker readers, insulting to our Constitution, and fails to praise Rand Paul or Chris Christie at regular intervals. I'm fed up. Please keep this post and others from this blog from continually showing up on my laptop screen.

    1. Extemporanus

      Wow, um, making fun of reasonable reactions to a gruesome arthritic altercation that happened 4 blocks away from me is so funny that it makes me wish you had decided maybe this was inappropriate and kinda fucked up to post.

      Seriously, wtf?

  7. Cicada

    Senior on senior violence is the scourge of our neighborhoods. I'm scared to walk the streets in mid-afternoon. You might think I'm a bigot, but when I see a person with a walker I cross to the other side of the street. You never know what one of those olds will do when they're all hopped up on the Polydent and Ben Gay.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Oh sure…we hipsters like to have a good laugh at scantily clad grannys, but lemme tell you. When the lights go off and the teeth come out, THAT's when the magic happens my friend.

        1. Extemporanus

          Don't I know it, dude — shortly after snapping that picture, the Bea Arthur-lookin' grandhipster rockin' the fanny pack and mismatched flip-flops rode me like a rented personal mobility Sybian at an "Early Bird Special" all-you-can-eat-out sex buffet!

    1. Extemporanus

      "In the case of Karla's campaign this would include the area between Yreka in the north to Plaster City in the south and from Parker Bay in the west to Blythe in the east."

      Truly, words to live by.

  8. edgydrifter

    Mr. Walker-Tripper is going to get his shine box (an actual box full of Kiwi shoe polish tins and soft brushes), and then he and his posse are going to hop on their Rascals for some drive-by fist-shaking on their way to breakfast at Denny's.

    1. Maman

      There is no Denny's in Wilmette. Haven't you listened to the Mark Kirk ads? That district is very high income. To get to a Denny's someone would have to drive those codgers into Evanston!

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Is there even a Denny's in Evanston? I would have thought that place was wall-to-wall Starbucks by now. (With a Crate & Barrel thrown in so the residents can collect every type of beverage holder known to man.)

  9. mumbly_joe

    But is it a crime to be an idiot and a liar? Not in this Country, and not under our Dual Jurisdiction of the Declaration of Independence, Social Security, and the Bible

    Huh, I thought it was a crime under the Bible's law, but then again, people like Snowbilly Grifter and the AFA/FRC lie all the time, mendatiously, about other people, and sometimes for no reason whatsoever other than learning facts is difficult, and they talk all the time about how they love the Bible and Jeepus more than I do, and about how the Bible's law should also become non-fantasy-novel real-life law, so clearly I am mistaken about the "no lying" thing.

  10. JMPEsq

    This is such a sad, sad story, one that makes you weep for America; I mean, with modern technology, surely there should have been someone nearby who could take a video of the elderfight, because it sounds like it would be hilarious.

    1. HistoriCat

      There's just no initiative any more. One of those Chinese fellers woulda hopped right on that, so I blame China. And the gays. And the muslins – they know all about that video recordin' – just look at that Obama bin Somthin person.

  11. chascates

    Cases like this should be settled by jousting, but using Hoverounds instead of horses and canes instead of lances. The only armor allowed would be the thick coating of indignation mated with the incredible wisdom of a long, fruitless life.

  12. natoslug

    I'm sorry, but I can't mock this situation until Brain Doherty approves of it. It's the only Reasonable thing to do.

    1. jus_wonderin

      At John's age, that could be dangerous. What if his arms tore off at the shoulders? And then as he spun in amazement and, well, yes, agony, the blood would spurt out as if from a 60's lawn sprinkler. Then he'd run into the street and get plowed down by a garbage truck, though, he'd get caught in the axles. And the garbage truck would make many stops before they realized that John was "in tow". However, they wouldn't do anything about it because it is breaktime. And, yes, they are Union.

  13. JMPEsq

    The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers and even sociologists, and they begin to wonder if it is all really… arggh!

    1. Guppy06

      My money is on him being a libtard. Teabaggers don't believe in public property.

      EDIT: A teabagger would have trotted out the old line "I pay my taxes, you work for me," also.

      1. nachoproblem

        That's not really true though. Teabaggers believe vehemently in public property when there's anything going on that they disapprove of. They just don't know what public property actually is. The "Ground Zero" Burlington Coat Factory, for instance.

        That's why I think this sign-puller IS a Teatard.

  14. lochnessmonster

    I'm surprised they allow political signs on the lawns in Wilmette. Kind of trashy for that town. They must be on the lower end of the millionaire ladder to do such a thing.

  15. Neoyorquino

    Crazy olds, jacked up on freebasing the Metamucil and guzzling down cases of Ensure. Where does all end (I mean apart from a long convalesence with a broken hip)?

  16. nappyduggs

    Unless the 85 y.o. challenged the 92 y.o. with "It's go time, Butterbean!"then this is so much horseshit.

    MENDELBAUM! MENDELBAUM!

  17. marionetta

    The 85 year should be employed as a poll watcher. Preferably in any district where Kirk is ahead (for Senate).

  18. BarackMyWorld

    Does this story end with him attaching a bunch of balloons to his house and making it float to Paradise Falls?

  19. 7pilesofwisdom

    Leonard Cohen would have written, "First we take Manhattan, then we take Wilmette," but Jews are more popular in Berlin than they are in Wilmette.

  20. Rarian Rakista

    When my grandfather was running for city council of a small town in Indiana during the great depression someone kept stealing his signs, knowing that it had to be someone he knew — it was a town of 500 people — he put fly paper on the back of all his signs. One night while drinking at the only bar in town he watched as the local pastor came in and asked to use the bathroom, this was unusual since this same pastor had been the lead prohibitionist in town for a decade. My grandfather, the sheriff and 2 farmers walked into the bathroom and watched as the pastor scrubbed and scrubbed his sticky hands.

    The pastor when confronted, still refused to confess and called everyone in the bar a devil worshiping drunk. So my grandfather who sold all the firewood in town bided his time and put a small amount of dynamite in one of the cords of wood he knew was going to go to the pastors house. Weeks later, in the middle of wintry night, the pastor was sneaking himself a glass of whiskey from his wife in his den when he threw the fateful log on the fire, sat back in his favorite chair and minutes later was outside the smoldering house still in his favorite chair. His wife blamed the incident on his drinking and left him, he died decades later on the back porch of that same bar he had called my grandfather a devil worshiping drunk on.

  21. mrpuma2u

    I also thought of Benny Hill, if someone has video of this, it needs to played at "fast forward" speed with "Yackity Sax" by Boots Randolph playing in the background. It needs more TRUKNUTZ but those are illegal in Wilmette.

  22. slowhansolo

    For some reason, I Flashed to the big, long standoff in Pick-Your-Spaghetti-Western. And now, I've got that goddamned theme whistling in my head. This is just the kind of thing in Oblahblah's America that makes you want to "run to the nearest living thing and kill it."

  23. nachoproblem

    Even money says the 85-year-old was a Teabagger, since they have no concept of the distinction between public and private property.

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