Let’s Compare This Crazy Anti-Gay AFA Op-Ed With One Published By WaPo!

  copypasta hatesa

Hey look everyone, it's that bigot we have to treat very, very seriously!Listen up gays: There are Christians out there who agree with Carl Paladino that you being gay is bad for your health. But it’s not because they hate you, it’s because they just care about you so much! They want to stand by your handsome bedside and hold your handsome hand and help you recover from being gay because it is making you sick. One of them is Bryan Fischer, our favorite insane American Family Association blogger, who blogged yesterday that “homosexual activists will now bare their fangs, veritably dripping saliva as they go for Paladino’s carotid artery.” Gays are sexy vampires! Cool! Just like in those popular movies! The funny thing is, the Washington Post, which considers itself a reputable newspaper, actually published almost the exact same op-ed yesterday, except it was written by Family Research Council President Tony Perkins and not that AFA guy we make fun of for being insane!

Fischer!

There frankly is no other kind of homosexual than the dysfunctional kind. Homosexuals are dysfunctional by the very nature of the aberrant sexual conduct in which they engage. As the Roman Catholic Church correctly says, homosexual behavior is “intrinsically disordered.”

It is so contrary to nature, so self-destructive, that it is no surprise that homosexuals have much higher rates of suicide (tragically illustrated a number of times in recent weeks)

Perkins!

 
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Some homosexuals may recognize intuitively that their same-sex attractions are abnormal–yet they have been told by the homosexual movement, and their allies in the media and the educational establishment, that they are “born gay” and can never change. This–and not society’s disapproval–may create a sense of despair that can lead to suicide.

The people who bully kids for being gay are just manifestations of what gays already know — that they should be normal — so it’s really their own fault for failing to change their ways and thus leaving themselves open to suicide. Again, this is something that was also published by the Washington Post, which has an office building full of people who concern themselves with facts.

Fischer!

The rates of domestic abuse in same-sex relationships is two to four times that found in the straight population.

Our government itself tells us plainly how damaging this lifestyle is. The FDA won’t let a man donate blood if he’s had sex with another male even one time since 1977 due to the risk of contaminating the nation’s blood supply with HIV. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) tell us that of all the men who have ever been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS in the history of the epidemic, 91% got it either through having sex with other men or through injection drug abuse, proof that homosexual conduct is just as contrary to common sense and human health as shooting up.

If anything, Paladino understated the case against making endorsement of homosexual conduct a part of public policy and a part of public school curricula.

Perkins!

Since homosexual conduct is associated with higher rates of sexual promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence, it too qualifies as a behavior that is harmful to the people who engage in it and to society at large. It is not loving to encourage someone to indulge in such activities, no matter how much sensual pleasure they may derive from them. It is more loving to help them overcome them. This is why, in the public policy arena, we will continue to oppose any policy or action that would celebrate or affirm homosexual conduct.

To be fair, Perkins doesn’t call the gays sexy vampires, and neither of these opinion writers says they want gay kids to kill themselves, so perhaps these are the reasons why it is legitimate for a newspaper to publish hate speech concerning the deaths of gay teens. And certainly the Washington Post will never have to apologize for printing this, because it’s not like they MADE FUN OF A TEABAGGER FOR BEING AN IDIOT or any such unspeakable crime.

Meanwhile, the majority of the United States moves on, not hating gays, dancing with its lesbian friend Ellen DeGeneres, and salivating at that sexy Twilight vampire battling that shirtless Twilight werewolf, unaware that hate speech is still something a national newspaper feels the need to publish alongside its other opinion writers. [AFA/WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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144 comments

    1. Chet Kincaid

      The clinical record of the past one hundred years puts this fact beyond refutation: Judaism can be fatal for its practitioners.

  1. JMPEsq

    The similar opinion pieces came from a conversation Perkins and Fisher after a night they spent together giving each other some really intense therapy and indulging in hardcore prayer.

      1. SmutBoffin

        The Lord of the Rings. There's also a mediocre sequel, The Mormon Lord of the Rings.

        Mel Gibson did a movie adaptation, but I fell asleep halfway through. I can only assume that the Jesus character was able to overcome the odds and lived a long, happy life.

  2. davitydave

    As part of the sexy and aberrant bloc, I eagerly await feasting on the delicious corpuscles of my condemners.

  3. iburl

    Some fundamentalists may recognize intuitively that their insistence on myth and fantasy is abnormal–yet they have been told by the christian supremacist movement, and their allies in the media and the right wing establishment, that they are "Better than everybody else". This–and not society’s acquiescence–may create a sense of self-righteousness that can lead to being a giant asshole.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      Hey, wait. This didn't make me laugh or smirk, but it made sense.

      So, how long are we (the supposed acquiescing society) going to have to keep seeing this crap being published by the Very Serious People?

  4. natoslug

    Frankly, I think the writer is veritably paid by the literal word. And that, assuming he didn't pull his facts from his well-lubed asshole, might want to consider that perhaps having to hide who you are because of a still intolerant society might also lead to an increase in mental illness, drug abuse and marvelous sense of fashion.

  5. Terry

    "As the Roman Catholic Church correctly says, homosexual behavior is “intrinsically disordered."

    Historically, Catholic men with this "intrinsic disorder" had three choices: become a priest, move someplace like San Francisco or New York and be the fabulously interesting confirmed bachelor in the family, or live out lonely lives in their hometown caring for aging relatives.

    1. JMPEsq

      The statement's obviously wrong from the very beginning; the Roman Catholic Church has never correctly said anything.

      But hey, I'm sure the Church will apologize to the gays eventually, just like how they apologized to the Jews for the Inquisition – in 2004.

      1. Sue4466

        But, hey, they were pretty timely on the whole Galileo thing. Only took 490 years to apologize for that and figure out that earth was not the center of the universe.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      LMAO – the Catholic church calling anything other than itself "intrinsically disordered".

    1. V572625694

      You can get a breaded pork tenderloin here that someone will tell you is a veal cutlet. No way does that work in Tehran.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      The fundamentalists don't run the place yet — they just think they do. Also, Iran has a much higher percentage of young people than America does — mostly because of the ten-year-long holy war their Ayatollah said God wanted to wage against Saddam Hussein. When we kill a million people in a pointless war, we make sure the dead are mostly the people we were there to save.

    3. finallyhappy

      Can't get good pulled pork barbecue in Teheran- but there is a little place about 30 miles away- mmmm. mmm

  6. RunnyRose

    Just more proof that you cannot argue with a fool. And way to go, WaPo, for printing it. Is there like a Major League thing going where, if they drop their readership below a certain level, they can relocate to Miami or something? 'Cuz otherwise, I'm just at a total loss for words.

  7. el_donaldo

    Hive mind. Nothing terribly new. Let me know when we confirm that all these Christian PR groups feature spokes-types that are parthogenetically spawned from the same giant quivering slime mold. That will peak my interest.

  8. chickensmack

    Jesus Christ, Fischer… someone needs to hep you to message discipline, because invoking the Roman Catholic Church's position on ass-ramming anyone is a bad idea.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      True. But at this point, does it really matter?? I mean, these are the folks who insist that they can cure teh homos if they pray hard enough.

      They don't have to make sense or be reasonable. They write this stuff for haters who need to reassure themselves that they're not really haters. And these guys (Fischer and Perkins) give 'em a bonus: why, they're actually kind and loving Christians!

  9. BornInATrailer

    So did these two get together and write the columns, one paraphrased, to sync their messages? And then celebrate with a double Dutch rudder?

    1. HistoriCat

      I refuse to look up the definition of "double Dutch rudder" but I assume it is some technical sailing term.

      1. BornInATrailer

        You really should because it is hilarious. Would I lie to you?

        I believe it has been mentioned in a couple of movies recently. So, depending on your taste in flicks, you might run across it eventually.

    2. Amo_of_Bogio

      "double Dutch rudder" for sure, because technically that's not even homosexual behaviour, plus it's so much fun to say, and never seems to come up in conversation as much as I'd like…

  10. JoshuaNorton

    They certainly know a lot about being gay-ified. Then they usually sweat profusely and pretend like they're not surreptitiously touching themselves under the table.

    Just sayin'….

  11. SmutBoffin

    Isn't there any kind of 'equal time' requirement for the editorials in the sickly dinosaur that is the WaPo?

    Like, couldn't John Waters write a counterpoint to this crap?

  12. i_AM_ready

    Anyone with brains at the Post took the buyouts years ago. The only people left are the old, the stupid, the lazy, and the losers. I'm looking at you, Richard Cohen. They're desperately trying to get subscribers from the Sarah Palin crowd. Hiring all these Bush hacks as columnists, also such as.

    If you call and threaten to cancel, they put someone on the phone who begs you to reconsider and says they'll give you the paper free for 6 months if you will take it.

    1. Radiotherapy

      You know its bad if even the biggest rat dick of all, Howie Kurtz, abandoned ship to spread his disease elsewhere.

    2. JMPEsq

      They do still have Eugene Robinson, who's good, along with being both the only actual liberal and black columnist on the opinion page. And then there is . . . um, well; hm, there must be someone else decent…

    3. slowhansolo

      Small town dailies are more narrowly focused within the gimp demographic. They tend toward olds shirking toward retirement, and 23-year-olds who flame out or move on within a year. They're mostly late to the online party, and the properties of the conglomerates are pretty much waiting to become websites.

      Yeah, I'm one who moved on. Sorry I didn't try to make with the funny, sincerely, I don't know whether I'm drinking to celebrate or mourn.

  13. metamarcisf

    There's nothing wrong with Americans celebrating their gay heritage. After all, some of the most influential Americans of the twentieth century have turned out to be gay; e.g: Dick Butkus, Ray Nitschke, Casey Stengel…

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Monsieur Grumpe's Review

    I have a headache from reading Fischer’s tripe. It’s partially from the white font on black background but mostly from the stupid. I seem to recognize his style from some sleazy novel titled Aunt Nancy’s Itch.

    Perkins just doesn’t have any style, just hate and everyone who is at least partially sentient knows that hating is out of style.

  15. Neilist

    Wait a minute.

    Does this mean it's now "Communist Pinko Liberal Homo SCUM"?

    [I'd say, "Asshole. Right." But I don't want to give any of you the Wrong Idea.]

    Neilist
    NRA Wonkette Bathhouse Outreach Desk

  16. Neilist

    Oh, one more thing:

    "Tony Perkins" spotted with "companion" from Rentboy.com in 3 . . . 2 . . . . 1 . . . .

  17. Fare la Volpe

    …of all the men who have ever been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS in the history of the epidemic, 91% got it either through having sex with other men or through injection drug abuse, proof that homosexual conduct is just as contrary to common sense and human health as shooting up."

    No, that's proof that you can add two numbers together and draw any conclusion you want from them, completely removed from context. For example, 91% of pig jizz stains on Bryan Fischer's bed came about through either selective pig husbrandy or Fischer's rampant zoophilia. Now it's up to you to figure out which chunk of that percentage each reason takes up. No hints now!

    1. Cicada

      When you consider that HIV/ AIDS is primarily transmitted through heterosexual contact, that argument is even more asinine.

    2. OCKerouac

      Of all the human beings who have died in the history of this planet, 100% died either from falling off a ladder or not falling off a ladder, proof that ladder use is just as contrary to common sense as shooting yourself in the face with a .45

    3. V572625694

      Exactly. This is like the mortgage/foreclosure stats where they say, "Seventy percent of Americans are in foreclosure, behind on their payments, or put the wrong ZIP code on the envelope containing the mortgage check last month." Shouldn't somebody cut through this statistical bullshit, like maybe an "editor" or somebody like that?

      Only if they took the maths in J-school, I guess. Of course that's why they went to J-school in the first place.

  18. Sue4466

    "As the Roman Catholic Church correctly says, homosexual behavior is 'intrinsically disordered.'"

    He's got the source right at least. Cause if there is any group that knows dysfunctional and aberrant sexual conduct, it's the Catholic Church.

  19. SheriffRoscoe

    These family-oriented groups also tend to think that beating the shit out of "gently whuppin' kids on their ass" for "correction" purposes, is an appropriate way to demonstrate one's love.

    We are miles apart on this whole 'love' thing, it turns out.

    1. x111e7thst

      If Fisher and Perkins were either passably good looking or marginally personable they might well be able to find a nice young man to gently whup their asses for "correction". And if they did this they might have happier and more fulfilled lives.

  20. PsycWench

    Oh, so those kids committed suicide because they were gay, NOT because they were mercilessly taunted and bullied. Because the FRC would have some blood on its hands if the suicides were motivated by gay-bashing, since they are exemplars of such behavior. I understand so much now.

    1. JMPEsq

      That's the infuriating thing; yes, being gay is more dangerous than being straight, but it's because of evil shitheads like Perkins that stirs up the hate and bulling, and leads to gay kids being both likely to be suicides and to be murdered.

  21. twogoats

    "We've been subjected to a 15-year-long campaign of anti-gay dehumanization by self-described "Christians," people who define Christianity has 1. hating gay people and 2. wanting to see their capital gains taxes slashed. The kind of rhetoric injected into the culture about gay people—we're intrinsically evil, we're trying to destroy the institution of marriage, we're a threat to the family—has real-world consequences for gay kids." – Dan Savage

    Thanks WaPo for furthering the campaign. I forget, did they run op-eds by Hitler or Pol Pot, or even one by kindly Father Flannagan explaining why child rape may be good for them?

  22. DashboardBuddha

    "homosexuals have much higher rates of suicide (tragically illustrated a number of times in recent weeks)"

    For this comment alone that motherfucker needs to be horsewhipped.

    1. hooray4anything

      But, of course, being bullied with the tacit approval of a bunch of homophobes and bigots given the freedom to say whatever the garbage they want by mainstream media and supposed conservative intellectuals has nothing to do with it.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Well, you see, they only kill themselves because, deep down inside, they know (thanks to Jebus) the bullies are right.

  23. Extemporanus

    In all seriousness, Jack, thanks for the Bieber-free, relatively sober, side-by-side shaming.

    If only these anti-gay assholes and their asshole enablers were capable of feeling some semblance of shame, shining such a spotlight on their rank hypocrisy might do more than just inspire them to act even more like the self-aggrandizing, stage-raping, hack assholes that they are.

  24. jus_wonderin

    Isn't it a fact that there is a theory that Jesus might have been gay? I mean, organized religion is gay (IMO >>the haters).

    Fuck the Haters!!! Fuck them hard in the earholes!!!

    1. JMPEsq

      Well he kept turning that Mary Magdalene's advances away, and besides her surrounded himself with other men and his mother.

      1. jus_wonderin

        "…and besides her surrounded himself with other men…"

        I started to correct the her and figured it might be intentional. But to your point, sounds like he liked many a man surrounding him.

    2. SmutBoffin

      I think that having to listen to this human 'tweener Perkins talk would be a form of forced aural sodomy.

    3. PubOption

      The question of exactly how Jesus loved a certain disciple has been extensively debated, but not at redneck wingnut churches.

        1. jus_wonderin

          When one is immaculately conceived, promiscuity is the obvious course. Or is that intercourse?

  25. Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    I cancelled my WaPo subscription a year ago, and haven't regretted it once. In that sense, today is just like any other day. Shit ,seriously, is WaPo hiring the detritus and colostomy bags the Wash Times is laying off?

    1. Ingmar53

      I did the same after subscribing for 17 years. I cancelled after the Sarah Palin anti-climate change op/ed. I'm all for a diversity of viewpoints, but they need to come from people with at least a modicum of credibility.

  26. DoktorZoom

    You know what? Fuck these death-obsessed, death-promoting cultists. The best response to them is to completely reject the very idea that they have any legitimacy. And also, all snark aside, to get information about Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" campaign out to all corners of the internet (if it has corners…I think it's a like a trapezoid, right?)

    Between this and his redefinition of "santorum," Dan Savage may just be one of our great cultural heroes…

  27. thefrontpage

    Perkins and Fischer are brainwashed homosexuals.

    The betting odds are that they're both homosexuals, with a long history of same-sex sex, with multiple partners, S&M, and possibly fetish practices.

  28. harry_palmer

    The picture looks kinda gay, he's quoted as saying " no matter how much sensual pleasure they may derive" from gay sex, and he seems to be obsessed with gayness in general. Must be a preacher.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    How cute that these idiots are quoting the Catholic Church on medical affairs — does this mean there's a Canon Medicine in the same way there's a Canon Law? Its thousand-plus years of research and development probably leaves Lysenkoism in the dust — I'll bet there are hundreds of Canon physicians at the Vatican still treating pneumonia with leeches, considering epilepsy a sign of divine favor and recommending people stay indoors when a comet is visible so as not to be infected with evil dust from the heavens. It's a shame that the devil's influence is so strong that nobody trusts these bastards.

  30. Kitty_Sanchez

    Shorter Fischer and Perkins:

    "We're not haters! We're NOT! We are filled with Christ's love. The homos keep being homo and then die because they don't pray hard enough — the fact that they die proves it."

  31. thefrontpage

    Are Perkins and Fischer and Paladino and Caputo so sick and stupid that they can't see the hilarity and insanity and obvious psychoness in citing the Roman Catholic as their barometer on straightness–when literally hundreds, if not thousands, of Roman Cahtolic priests or fathers or preachers or teachers or coaches or officials have been fired, suspended, reprimanded, investigated, charged and jailed for having homosexual encounters with minors of their same sex? I mean, people, wake up! Gawd!

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      When Charles Krauthammer, the evil gnome of Conservatism, started to get taken seriously by the editorial board. The Rev. Moon quickly married the two papers off along with another thousand pamphlets in a mass wedding.

  32. elviouslyqueer

    While it would be so temptingly easy to rebut Fischer and Perkins's arguments point by point, a better response would be "Fuck you, you bigoted repressed closet cases who deserve nothing better than to be sodomized with a machete."

  33. DoktorZoom

    Also, this: "If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up"

    –Max von Sydow, Hannah and Her Sisters

    1. jus_wonderin

      in his name could read as for the almighty dollar. that's the only reason these haters pull this crap. it is to rile up their base of other haters to keep the top hater brass in cool cars, gilded furniture and fancy, freakishly fat wallets.

  34. SarcasticNymph

    Although I don't think much of Tony's article, I do admire the self control he shows in the article pic – not bending urgently forward and fellating the hell out of the microphone.

  35. Katydid

    I've engaged in what those fuckwads would consider lots of "aberrant sexual conduct," and I'm better for it. I'm happier, healthier, and I've had more loving relationships because of it. If I gave a shit what they thought, if I had to read op-eds like this daily, if people went on TV all the time calling for my re-education, if half the country campaigned against my idea of sex and love, I might just have a problem with that, and feel mentally unwell because of them, not me.

    I have to wonder if they really, really don't see that, or they just don't fucking care. This is their bread and butter, their raison d'etre, and they're not going to give it up, no matter how many people have to die. I'm not usually a violent person, but I'd like to beat some sense into them, one moran at a time. The These fuckwits hide behind op-eds and TV bully pulpits. They don't have the nerve to confront real people one-on-one, because they'd get the shit beaten out of them.

  36. VeraSevera

    Ah yes, that great moral authority and role model for all things sexual, the Catholic Church….

    Good piece, Wonkette. It's good to know that beneath the snarky rhetoric you actually care about issues….

  37. Tommmcattt

    Wow the logic here blows my mind. So:

    The FDA won’t let a man donate blood if he’s had sex with another male even one time since 1977 due to the risk of contaminating the nation’s blood supply with HIV. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) tell us that of all the men who have ever been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS in the history of the epidemic, 91% got it either through having sex with other men or through injection drug abuse, proof that homosexual conduct is just as contrary to common sense and human health as shooting up.

    Which is the exact logical conjugate to:

    Studies show that 100% of cervical cancer occurs in women, and that cervical cancer is much more likely if one smokes while taking birth control pills, proving that being a woman is just as contrary to common sense and human health as smoking

    or:

    Studies show that per capita is it much more likely to have HIV on the African continent if one is heterosexual , and that contracting HIV is much more likely if one injects HIV-infected blood daily, proving that being a heterosexual in Africa is just as contrary to common sense and human health as injecting HIV tainted blood daily, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

    I much prefer the robust, piquant taste of Fred Phelps' hatred. Guys, if you think I'm lees than human, a filthy, "disordered" animal, then man up and just say so. All this chop-logic and posturing insults what passes for faith in your community, and, incidentally, my intelligence. Bring on the real bile, fellas. Trust me, I've considered the source and I can take it from the likes of you.

  38. Neoyorquino

    Once or twice a year I get pissed off enough to post a snark-free comment. God helps us if these mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers are the largest and loudest examples of what Christianity is. Check out the thoughtful posts at johnshore.com for a differing opinion (it includes a lot of that unconditional love Christians often talk aboutbut so seldom put into practice. (He also posts on HuffPo on occasion . . .).

  39. PublicLuxury

    Can you imagine if they ever find out that 'brown' people can be gay too?

    All of societies ills could be focused on one group.

  40. LionelHutzEsq

    “homosexual activists will now bare their fangs, veritably dripping saliva as they go for Paladino’s carotid artery

    He does realize when teh Gheyz do that, it's not the carotid artery they are going after, right?

  41. LionelHutzEsq

    Plus, isn't hating on teh Gheyz like so 2004? Come on people, it is the brown people (Muslims, Mexicans, Employees of Meg Whitman), that are coming for your sons and daughters now.

  42. finallyhappy

    The Post has turned to crap for the most part. I would stop our subscription but my husband still wants it. My sense is that whomever runs the paper- Brauchli,Bo Jones and Katie Weymouth have no balls between the 3 of them- and they are pandering to the right so they can pretend they weren't once a liberal paper. Also they appear to have fired anyone who would check anything -spelling or facts. Grammar no longer exists in the Post.

  43. BlackRhino

    If the Catholic Church has known this for so long, how come there are so many of them in the church’s ranks? May be the anti-gay gay American protestants need to practice what they preach to the holier than thou Catholics. That just may keep a whole generation of kids safe.

  44. horselover_fat

    "As the Roman Catholic Church correctly says, homosexual behavior is “intrinsically disordered.”

    This quote left out the following:

    "Rather, the Papacy has suggested that homosexual behavior become more regimented and structured, with a geometric assignment of virile, frisky young boys to those of higher designated rank in an organized body. For example, a Bishop might receive a mere 3 fine studs a year, and a person of Cardinal rank could obtain up to nine for his requisite pleasures. Now, it is not necessary to use these specific stations, but, and we're just sayin', the Church has a LOT more experience when it comes to, ah, 'intrinsic ordering,' especially in matters this sexy. Whew!"

  45. gauw

    Yes, gays commit suicide at a higher rate because of they're/we're not straight. Just like Black people are poorer at higher rates because they're not sufficiently white.

  46. nachoproblem

    See this is why liberals are fascists, because we label bigotry and deliberate lies as "hate speech," rather than the perfectly acceptable form of polite and patriotic discourse they are. When used against minorities I mean. Slurs and hasty generalizations about white Christians are hate speech, because they are the majority (or used to be) and therefore better than everybody else. That's called democracy.

  47. James Michael Curley

    I love it when Perkins looks right into the camera and says; "I wouldn't harm a fly … "

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