Joe Miller's lobotomy worked!

  • Joe Miller is not your average Republican Senate nominee from Alaska, because who are the two other people in Alaskan history to receive the Republican nomination? Ted Stevens — who is extremely dead — and Lisa Murkowski, that loser. Joe Miller is alive, he wears flannel and he is a winner. Imagine if Paul Bunyan went to Yale Law School, then moved to Alaska and racked up a whole bunch of credit card debt. That is Joe Miller. And do you think Paul Bunyan would answer questions about his previous and potentially unethical lumberjack dealings? Paul Bunyan would maybe tell you how many pancakes he devoured for breakfast, but only if you asked him nicely. Joe Miller has basically adopted the same policy: He will not answer any more questions about “his personal background” for the remainder of the campaign. You may ask Joe what he ate for brunch, and also he would be delighted to explain to you how much he hates Lisa Murkowski. Joe Miller does not care for that woman. [Anchorage Daily News]
  • “Republican senators have blocked the nomination of the economist Peter Diamond to the Federal Reserve Board of Governors.” And then Peter Diamond won the Nobel Prize for Economics, the end. [The Caucus]
  • The Great Moon War with China is coming soon. We are doomed, and your grandchildren will be making toxic drywall trinkets for fat Chinese people. This is the circle of life that Simba sings about in The Lion King. [NYT]
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  • MARCdMan

    Why don't we just send Joe Miller and the rest of the republican senators to the moon?

  • Terry

    "Miller said he has been the victim of "journalistic impropriety.""

    Translation: Every single bad thing the Anchorage paper has found out about me is completely true and I have no real excuse for any of it.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Angle: "Poor me, stop asking those mean questions."
      O'Donnell: "Poor me, stop asking those mean questions."
      Miller: "Poor me, stop asking those mean questions."

      Honestly, these guys are even bigger pussies that the Democrats.

      • JMPEsq

        I wonder if Fox may have in part helped with their own party's descent into cowardice here; by providing a forum where Republicans are guaranteed to face nothing but sympathetic "journalists" out to make the interviewee look good, they've created candidates who lost their ability and/or willingness to face people who might actually ask tough questions, or even softballs that the candidate is too stupid to answer, like "What newspapers do you read?".

        • DustBowlBlues

          I think you're right but sadly the truth of your statement is wasted on all but the handful of us who have the intelligence to view the public forum of electoral politics as something other than the politics of hate.

          That's my new catchphrase, I just decided. (Whoa! Catchphrase is one word? I did that one as an experiment and the infallible wonkette speller didn't flag it). Not the politics of personal destruction but the politics of hate. That's all the Republics have got.

      • Terry

        A Democrat in a similar situation would usually painfully admit to all of it and point out a few things the press hadn't yet found.

        • BerkeleyBear

          The David Paterson Method (TM) – ensuring unelectability for candidates far and wide.

      • hooray4anything

        Not answering questions or talking to the press is the new Republican Hotness. It's the way the Founding Fathers wanted it to be

      • Jukesgrrl

        You forgot about Rand Paul, who pioneered this form of anti-campaigning. He was willing to answer questions once … until he met Rachel Maddow.

  • nonbeliever7

    Smart peoples win smarty pants Nobel prizes. Mongo no like smart people.

  • harry_palmer

    The Nobel just further diminishes this guy's cred. Remember they gave one to Obamao even though he couldn't produce a birth certificate.

  • I expect Miller's support to crumble when Alaskan voters find out that he isn't "that guy on House".

    • MARCdMan

      He looks like the butt baby of House and the dude from Revenge of the Nerds.

      • bbqboy


  • TimeCubist

    "The statement followed the Alaska Dispatch quoting an anonymous source Sunday night saying that Miller used borough equipment in the unsuccessful 2008 attempt to oust state Republican Party Chairman Randy Ruedrich."

    What, like a backhoe? Dynamite?

    • deelzebub

      Thanks for that. Now every time I think of Joe Miller the picture in my head will be Wyle E. Coyote.

      • TimeCubist

        Thud! *tiny puff of dust at canyon bottom*

    • V572625694

      The ditto machine.

    • petehammer

      Because Bristol has vowed to be a born-again virgin, my understanding is she's still a back-ho.

  • freakishlywrong

    Classic Rethug. Claim victim-hood from LSM, tell press to shove it. Misrepresent yourself to Faux and rightwing radio where you won't be challenged. Get elected anyway.

    • JMPEsq

      He learned at the foot of the master*; remember how Palin claimed investigations into her abuses of power were just personal attacks by her enemies.

      *Hm, or would a woman be the mistress? But then I don't want to give the wingnuts starbursts again with that image.

      • Crank_Tango


    • H Curve

      Ugh. If the uber-educated denizens of the most awesome Warblog that has or ever will exist in the system Sol can see through this strategy with little more than a peripheral glance of its collective lug head, then why can't won't the brilliant minds responsible for the LSM's spew do the same? Increasingly, I have little to no problem with the Vogon's plans for their new galactic bypass. (Ops. Did I just give it away? No worries, only Libtards and Libertarians read these comments – the former are too stuffed with facts, the latter, too devoid of the things, ergo, whatever.)

  • ttommyunger

    Soooo, I guess Miller thinks he can be sworn in as a Senator and then no one will ever delve into his background again? I guess he figures it will be too late by then and he can maybe hang on for six years, or even more, and cash in on that super-generous retirement plan our Congressfolk have voted in for themselves. Win a seat in Congress, serve only one term, fixed for life. What a Country!

    • BerkeleyBear

      It's the David Vitter plan – time your scandal revelations for a time and place where the jurisdiction is muddy as possible and you have time to recover. He'll have one exhaustive mea culpa non-admission after he gets elected and before he's sworn in, then never speak of it again.

      John Ensign is hoping 2 years is enough.

      • ttommyunger

        The FBI has other plans for the Son of Ensign. I hope.

  • Sepatown!

    Who are you going to vote for? Joe Miller, or someone who ANSWERS personal questions? Kang or Kodos, you fudgesuckers?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Or the guy who knows when people are cursing at him in Norwegian. Everything seems to be about how screwed up Murksksdfisdsfdf's effort to teach people how to spell is or Miller proving to be every bit as creepy and inauthentic as his beard suggests. The Dem still can't get a word in edgewise, because he's apparently a decent public servant without significant baggage.

      Further proof that politics and reality TV work on the same formula.

  • Ruhe

    I bet if Republicans were sent copies of Diamond's first popular book, which they wouldn't bother to read, the title, "Guns, Germs and Steel" might fool them into liking the guy. I mean, it sounds sexy and it's all about how the browns never had a chance against the whites.

    • PhilippePetain

      Jared Diamond.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Great Moon War with China is coming soon

    The Americans will win. As a nation, we have more chins than a Chinese phone book. The Exxon chairman alone has 5 or six.

  • joobajooba

    The New York Times says: "Even improved Chinese forces do not have capacity or, analysts say, the intention, to fight a more able United States military. " No, that's the Taliban's job.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Isn't that the laugh of the day? China…a strong and growing stronger industrial power doesn't have the ooomph to take on the US…but a bunch of cave dwelling primitives who seem to have been teleported from the 15th century and given AK-47s does.

      • x111e7thst

        The old Grey Lady – her glorious tradition of sucking national security establishment cock dates back to at least 9/11/2001.

      • JMPEsq

        Well, it worked for that group of peasants with guns hiding in the jungle who managed to beat us a few decades back.

    • Yeah, let's fight a billion people who make everything.

      The minute those container ships from China stopped replenishing the shelves at WalMart, there would be riots in the streets.

      Okay, unpopular maybe, but the military is the biggest boondoggle in the budget. 600 billion a year. 6 TRILLON dollars since GWB took office, and for what? 9/11, failure in Iraq, stuck in Afg/Pak, Osama bin Laden on the loose.

      But yeah, China should be a cinch.

  • cheetojeebus

    There must be something in the water in Wasilla?

  • DashboardBuddha

    You know…not only is this current crop of TP candidates insane and/or incompetent, they are complete whining little wusses. C'mon Joe…put your "man pants" on. Yes, people want to know about the issues…but they also want to know about the character of the people who will be addressing these issues.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Uh, no they don't. They don't even care if their senator gets his poopy diapers changed by a hooker or his wife.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    The right must really hate the Nobel Peace Prize committee by this time. I’m sure some of them are considering starting their own conservative version but the word peace must have them stymied. Then they need to find someone with a solid wingnut background who left a lot money in trust fund for the awards who didn’t spend the last years of his life in prison or exile for some unmentionable act of perversion.

    • PsycWench

      "The "Nobel" War Prize"?

      • BerkeleyBear

        Kissenger basically won that – the Nobel people were going through an ironic phase, and he just didn't get it.

      • Sparky_McGruff

        You mean, the "Cheney"?

      • PsycWench

        Maybe the "Ignobel War Prize", then

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        Oh, go back to Alfred Nobel's original roots: The Nobel Prize for Explosions.

        Though the first winner would have to be Michael Bay.

      • SarcasticNymph

        Expect alternative "Nobel" prizes for War, Creation Science, Resource Extraction, NASCAR, The Bible, Flat Tax, Aryan Studies and Phrenology.

        Snow Machines, also.

    • deelzebub

      The Hearsts were complete bastards in the Republican style (corrupt, war-mongering, greedy, etc.). I hear you can talk Patty into going along with anything.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Technically the Econ prize is a different organization, not just a different committee. It is one of the most beautiful versions of corporate free-riding ever, with a banking group basically coming along and saying we have a Nobel thingy too. So the GOP should love the award – except, of course, when they give it to a guy who proved that unemployment benefits actually help the job market function better.

    • Chet Kincaid

      You jerk, that is an "excellent" idea. Let's wait for the hundredth monkey to pick up on it–Koch? Mellon-Scaife? Wyly? Imagining the worst has consequences, Grumpe!

    • jim89048

      According to the shrub, sometimes profits trump peace.

    • Jukesgrrl

      They already have their version: the People's Choice Awards. Nobel Peace Prize = Favorite Reality Show Host.

    • Beowoof

      It could be the Special Prize and handed out every four years at the conclusion of the Special Olympics as the conservatives could clearly compete in both.

  • mumbly_joe

    Ha, I love the teabaggers: Yes, we will end the "All that there corruption… the back-room deals" (Delightfully vague! Probably because of which people were actually party to the worst corruption scandals of the past couple of decades!) in Congress, by nominating candidates who refuse to dicuss their already-considerable allegations of corruption and back-room dealing.

    Honestly, given that context, I think it should be pretty obvious why those of us with brains are convinced that the Teabagging Party is more about demographics/culture war/stooging for corporate interests than it is a rebuke against a corrupt establishment. I mean, I understand that this sort of "campaigning" that was poineered by Snowbilly Grifter, but it's sort of important to remember that she lost.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Giving Palan credit for pioneering that style of “campaigning” insinuates some sort of original thinking on her part. I think there is trail of poop flinging politicians that have blazed the trail for Palan like Rove, Gingrich and Reagan’s handlers.

      • Chet Kincaid

        She gets credit for that style of "making a killing", which I think is Job One for her. Get rich helping somebody else end the masturbatin' and baby-killin'. Or not, so long as the checks clear.

      • Beowoof

        A campaign style developed after Palin watched a monkey shit fight at the ZOO.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Completely ignoring the media/public in an effort to ensure no one has a fucking clue what kind of douche you are has a long and storied history. William McKinley refused to campaign at all, making people come to his house if they even wanted to see him.

      Of course, that's still more honest than the campaign of Franklin Pierce. His whole campaign was based on a published biography that would actually make Fox News look "fair and balanced", and he never spoke or took questions (as a non-functioning alcoholic, he probably couldn't).

      The good news is that we have survived idiots before and will again. I just hope the collective idiocy of a Senate with some combo of Fiorina, Angle, Miller, Paul, O'Donnell, Toomey, Johnson, Kirk added to the existing idiots of DeMint, Inhofe, Kyl, McCain, Graham, Ensign, Vitter, Grassley, etc. will make the 2012 elections easier to get people motivated to come out for. Heck, it's worked before.

      • mumbly_joe

        Right, and if we're lucky, the only price we'll have to pay is a complete dismantling of progressive taxation, social security, and all that crazy "civil rights" stuff we did back in the 60's, you know, to make sure the negroes didn't literally get the crap beat out of them for trying to vote? Oh, and they might also try to repeal the 14th Amendment, for the LULZ.

        So, win-win, basically, amirite?

  • q_tion_evrythng

    Nothing clever to add. I just gave Scott McAdams (D), AK, a decent man w/ good ideas, running for U.S. Senate, some $$love$$ at Act Blue. I'm so tired of Palin, her surrogates (Miller), their ilk, and all they stand for.

  • PsycWench

    Joe Miller sounds like someone who is in a WWII reenactment photo album, and not in an Allied uniform.

    • I donno, with that beard thing, either U-boat Captain or 22nd Romanian Mounted Supply Brigade.

    • Steverino247

      He proudly served in the 2/72 Prophylactic Testing Detachment at Ft. Hymen, Utah.

    • Beowoof

      I think he would look great in an Empire of the Sun uniform.

  • Funny the two things no hyper masculine, fiscally conservative male Republican candidate can turn down: credit cards and little boys!

  • DashboardBuddha

    I just had a sad…you know why the Joes of the world will win? I just got in contact with a friend from high school on Facebook. Yay, friends…right?

    a. He believes that global warming is a hoax

    b. He is an officer in the local Bigfoot Field Research organization.

    For every well informed, thoughtful Wonketeer-type, there are one hundred Todds.

    God help us all.

    • And for every 100 thoughtful Wonketeer-types, we have one well-armed Neilist.

      • DashboardBuddha

        So, you're saying there is hope?

        • That's exactly what I'm saying. One shining star of tech-9 toting hopey-ness.

          He is our Obi Won Ketteer.

          • DashboardBuddha

            "He is our Obi Won Ketteer"

            If Wonkette ever has an actual office, that statement should be enshrined on a plaque in the lobby.

    • CapnFatback

      This can mean only one thing: Todd is working on a theory that were global warming real, Bigfoot could not possibly sustain in the ecosystem. I wonder if Todd was the one who proved that the moon landing was really staged at Loch Ness?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Whew….China!….good thing Christine has insider knowledge on that war thing comin'…

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Aww, you got to that before I did. She did our country a great disservice in not sharing her 'intelligence.'

  • PsycWench

    Who wants the Federal Reserve Board to include an economist who believes that stimulus programs actually work? They can't possibly work b/c I know people who are unemployed.

  • This Alaska election is GOPer Highlander: Alaska.

    "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!"

    Joe Miller as French accented Scots McCloud
    Talibunny Palin as You betchya Scots accented Spaniard Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez
    Todd Dumbfuck Palin as McCloud's lover
    Lisa Mur-whatthefuckshername as Kurgan

  • The statement followed the Alaska Dispatch quoting an anonymous source Sunday night saying that Miller used borough equipment in the unsuccessful 2008 attempt to oust state Republican Party Chairman Randy Ruedrich.


  • JMPEsq

    Will Joe Miller at least answer questions on why he only shaves about once a week? I may have done so before, out of laziness, but then I haven't run for public office; you have to look presentable then.

    It's nice to see that some of China's new leaders, like the neocons, are nostalgic for the Cold War and want to start it up again, but we've already got a new boogiemanin the Muslims; they missed their chance.

  • twogoats

    Wait, so now it's okay if a candidate refuses to answer question of a personal nature, like, say, where he/she was born? Whether or not he/she is a Christian? Whether he/she ever sat through a sermon thinking "this minester is around the bend."?

  • JustPixelz

    If his new slogan — "Character doesn't count" — works, that's good news for Palin in 2012.

  • elpinche

    And we all know from our Godless state sponsored elementary school teachings that Paul Bunyan was one big gay ass homo.

    • Barrelhse

      Homo? What about that Babe he was scroggin'?

      • elpinche

        "I cut down trees, I wear high heels, And hang around in bars.."

        This is Paul Bunyan , right ?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, he certainly had a relationship with farm animals that Leviticus would frown on (but Paladino would send to his friends, if there was video).

    • OneYieldRegular

      I see you've visited "Trees of Mystery" too.

  • twogoats

    Put another way, this campaign is about family values and personal character, not what I did in the past.

  • DCHatesMe

    It looks like Joe Miller is running scared, like the popular highschool football player afraid of the smelly little girl no one likes.

  • As for China, I wouldn't bet on the moon war. One thing China is failing to grasp is that (music) video didn't kill the USSR, but rather their love of unrestrained pollution to outproduce the west with exploding TVs and nukular missiles. A lot of what happened to the USSR is happening to China as we speak. Things here wouldn't have been much different if not for slimey shitball Nixon (!!!) and his environmental loving ways.

  • Miller said he has been the victim of "journalistic impropriety."

    He is guilty of oxymoron abuse.

  • neiltheblaze

    Those pesky Alaskan papers! Imagine! Pointing out that he and his deadbeat wife are professional welfare recipients.

    Gaming the system is OK if your white – don't they understand that?

  • Serolf_Divad

    Sure, Diamond has won the Nobel prize… but have you guys actually read what he won for? Here it is:

    The Sveriges Riksbank Prize in Economic Sciences in Memory of Alfred Nobel 2010 was awarded jointly to Peter A. Diamond, Dale T. Mortensen and Christopher A. Pissarides "for their analysis of markets with search frictions".

    In case you are unaware: "search frictions" is just another word for "gay Communist subversion." Their work is basically "The Communist Manifesto" Mao's Little Red book and The Joy of Gay Sex all wrapped up into one. Don't believe me? Just watch Glenn Beck tonight. He'll explain how these guys derived their theories from the writings of the Marqus de Sade, Karl Marx, Woodrow Wilson, Anne and Nancy Wilson, Anne Rice, Saul Alinsky and Pol Pot.

    • BerkeleyBear

      When I read the rundown, every sentence made it clearer why the GOP hates this guy – first, he uses logic to analyze markets, rather than mumbling about "invisible hands" with no understanding of Smith's actual work; second, he says that unemployment benefits are good' and third, Europeans respect him. He's a one-off of freaking Alinsky in their eyes.

    • I've been searching for friction most of my entire adult life.

      • HistoriCat

        Just like with the economy you want the Goldilocks level. Too little friction = I can't feel anything; too much friction = holy shit, that's painful.

    • "Search frictions" are generated when Speedo-clad gays grind against each other.

  • qwerty42

    I think Paul Bunyan would have called them "flapjacks" — only some effete commie would call them "pancakes" (or worse, "crepes").

  • el_donaldo

    If Joe Miller is Paul Bunyan, who's his Big Blue Ox? O'Donnell's a little chunky in the pants, but she doesn't quite reach BBW status. That may be why he doesn't want the press in his home – he's a secret chubby chaser, and he doesn't want the press to see his Kirstie Allie and Delta Burke posters.

  • elpinche

    Seriously, though , Angle and the other teabag republitards are also exercising the Palin Doctrine. Ok, this may work since the base doesn't give a shit, but I would think the brain-dead, indecisive independents would like to hear the raspy, manly, texture of Miller's voice just once before the election.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Do he can tell us how much he idolizes Jim DeMint? He's actually doing himself a favor by shutting his stupid mouth.

  • A shame the Republicans could not have fielded a candidate from some other backwater portion of the state. Where's Maurice Minnifield?

  • Is Miller sayin' he won't take any questions about his sordid affair with Bebe the Blue Ox?

  • Both O'Donnell and Miller need to win their Senate races just to have a job–although O'Donnell could just keep running for stuff and paying herself and Miller could go back to whatever he did before the Teabaggers discovered him.

    • HistoriCat

      Think that kind of thing would work in reverse? The Republican congressman in my district is running unopposed. Maybe I can make some $ by sponging off of the Democrats. Nah – not since George Soros isn't cutting the big checks any more.

  • metamarcisf

    Joe Miller is livid over rumors linking him romantically with Babe, the Blue Ox.

  • bumfug

    "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
    run up big bills and then don't pay!"

    • Troubledog

      I chop down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra
      When they ask me about my last job, I simply just guffaw

  • alzronnie

    Alaska has a newspaper? Is it all pictures or do they occasionally use the letter "X"?

  • The Nobel prize? Is that sort of like being nominated as Miss Congeniality?

  • The nice thing about the China moon shot is A) whole bunches of astrocomrades will be exploded and stranded in the void of space and whatnot so that life will finally resemble the plot of Marooned, and B) they are at an advantage in not having to worry about pesky reentry survival issues, which waste a lot of time, money and mental energy.

    I anticipate the Chinese will also think out of the box and attempt things like sex in space, live birth in weightless conditions, ruthless interrogations of dissidents in orbit, and astro-cannibalism. Good times…good times.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    Everyone knows that Joe enjoys a daily brunch of salted blue ox dicks.

  • torera

    Diamond's nomination has been held up specifically because Senator Claghorn Shelby from the late, great state of Alabama says "he's not qualified."

  • NorthStarSpanx

    "I may not answer the question the way you or the moderator want me to answer, but I'm going to talk to the American people and about my record also," Sarah Palin said in dancing around a question about deregulation.

    During her closing remarks in the one and only VP Debate, Palin took another shot at the media, saying: "I like to answer the questions without the filter of the mainstream media."

    And so began the Tea Party candidate strategy of avoiding transparency and accountability while doing anything and everything to get these wicked Washington jobs and get high off the power and buy-offs. Brought to you by the Sarah Palin brand.

    • Chet Kincaid


  • Troubledog

    I won the last moon war, and all I got was this lousy deficit.

  • amalgamated_inc

    Please, people, quit looking at his personal background! His background is personal! Only Todd Palin has permission to look long and hard at his sweet, sweet background.

    • pdiddycornchips

      The country gets dumber by the hour. Look how far we've come. Back in '08 when Palin was all shiny and new, she kept her husband under a burlap sack so he wouldn't belch or fart at an inappropriate time. Now, just a few short years later, he's the political wiseman protecting his grizzly pride. Todd hasn't changed a bit. We just got dumber.

  • Gopherit

    If that filthy muslin usurper can win a nobel prize, how good can it be anyway?

  • danceswithpalin

    I really getting tired of waiting for the states of teabagistan to secede. Is there really a reason why we can't just remove Alaska, Texas, South Carolina and the studio that Fox news broadcasts out of?

  • CapnFatback

    When did they begin issuing credit cards to hobos?

  • AutomaticPilot

    Why doesn't he use the Palin approach? Answer in the most general of terms (e.g., "All of them") and follow it up with the political equivalent of "I love puppies!"

  • We'll always have Moosetits Alaska, Sarah.

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