but where's bristol palin?

Wow, 50 People Did That Washington Post Win-a-Date-With-Broder Contest

Who will win and be paid 1/3564th what Krauthammer gets?That dumb Washington Post op-ed contest has put up the entries of its first-round winners or whatever, so the future of American thought has been secured. And there are 50 of them, because somehow more than 2 people entered this thing! You can also click to “vote” for some of the op-eds. Some guy named Bria Ho is currently leading that with only 106 votes, and his op-ed is about how the Washington Post should not have this contest because the Internet is filthy or something like that. What? He also mentions “‘lulz catz,’” to prove to us that he doesn’t know proper Internet terminology because he doesn’t use the Internet at all, despite being in an Internet contest. But more importantly, somebody e-mailed us and said one of our very own Wonketteers is in the running for this. Our condolences.

According to tipster “Aaron L.S.,” the current third-place guy, “Patrick Tutwiler,” is a fan of this blog and would like our endorsement. SURE, WE BET YOU SAID THAT TO EVERY BLOG. We will need to see an IntenseDebate birth certificate first, Kenyan.

There are some good titles here — “Afraid of weed?” and “I don’t want Superman to come.” That drug and that sex thing do seem pretty scary! Then there’s this genius, who SOMEHOW HAS ONLY ONE VOTE — a “high school English teacher.” (A high school English teacher or a high-school English teacher?):

The proposed “Cordoba House” overlooking the World Trade Center site is a test of the timidity, passivity and historic ignorance of American elites.

The dark-haired girl had begun crying out “Swine! Swine! Swine!”

Sponsored Video

The monument would consist of a Mosque for the worship of the terrorists’ monkey-god.

The Hate rose to a frenzy.

Oh, that guy would fit right in with Krauthammer in terms of logic and printing naked hate speech! Hire him! That would be fun! Just kidding, though. We need this man to keep teaching hate to our children. He’s too precious to waste on the WaPo op-ed page.

There are also five people here whom the Washington Post made “editor’s picks,” so they are immune to voting. Only two of those five are white males, so the opinion editor obviously really only picked two.

Out of the two, only one is a Republican who looks like he’s probably Lindsey Graham’s boyfriend:

Likes to 'eat' Lindsey's 'ham biscuits.'

Some might shrug, since Fudge would easily defeat any Republican in this very liberal district. But elections are not merely one-day events to select leaders.

Haha, “Fudge.” And yes, this guy is right, elections are also fun-loving sea creatures. Nice sparkly purple background, Glee self-loather! [WP]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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94 comments

        1. elpinche

          If you look closely, you can a long lost peanut butter and jelly sandwich from 1994 in one of his many fat folds.

  1. Tommmcatt

    Did he really say "Terrorist Monkey-god"?

    In spite of my entire being crying out against the viciousness of the statement, and the implied racism therein, I have to admit I giggled at that.

    I am a bad person.

    1. chickensmack

      No worse than, say, if the article's author declares the death of any DADT legislation to be a "bitter pill to swallow"

      1. smokefilledroommate

        I think he was quoting some Teatard leader who, I guess, conjured up some kind of Monkeyhammad image of Allah in an anti-mosque hate speech at Ground Zero.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      It was Mark Williams, now-deposed leader of the Tea Party Express, who said it while opposing the "mosque" in NYC. And sorry, but it's just moronic/bigoted, like something P.J. O'Rourke would have written in 1977. It's only "funny" if you can't distinguish one "brown" religion from the other, making yourself the ass in the picture.

      Now, puppet terrorists whose only lines are "Mohammed Jihad! Mohamed Jihad!"–that's some funny shit.

  2. kenlayisalive

    They are raising two special needs children. The kids special need is that they need not to be woken up by Lindsey Graham's desperate 3am booty calls to their father.

    1. JMPEsq

      Now I'm sure these are legitimate special needs kids; after all that's often the result when brother and sister mate.

  3. doxastic

    Cunion received a coveted editors pick by striking upon the preferred ratio of cliche-to-interesting thought (Patrick, for future reference, this is approximately 10:zip)

  4. JMPEsq

    There's way too many to read each one before deciding whether they're worth a vote or not, so I'll just be supporting the ladies whose little head shots look attractive.

    1. prommie

      Thats my strategy, too. Oh, and if you just directly proposition every one you meet, a certain percentage are sure to say "yes." Look at the swath I have been cutting through this place!

  5. el_donaldo

    Let's not get hasty, people. The high teacher's contribution is not some racist rant. It's some post-mo liberal sandwiching together of some of the overheated rhetoric on Park51 with passages from, if I'm remembering correctly, 1984. Which they read a lot in those grades of school which are called high (because everyone is).

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Uh-oh, a 1984 reference requiring a modicum of literacy and a working knowledge of irony. Also not interesting and having no deeper point. It will be rejected by the audience, although for the wrong reason.

  7. SexySmurf

    “I don’t want Superman to come.”

    This one was written by Lois Lane after she forgot to take her birth control pill.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      About 40 years ago, I saw a Hustler magazine, and found most of the pictorials un-arousing and most of the cartoons unfunny. But one made me laugh out loud. Superman is zipping up in a men's room and walking away from a urinal that is broken to pieces. Lois would have reason to want SM not to come.

      1. Extemporanus

        Did you fly around the earth super fast to reverse time and post that comment, because I swear to Zod it wasn't there when I posted mine.

        1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

          I did it with the TimeTravel iPod app. I'd hoped to steer the thread toward porn rather than scifi, but somehow misjudged the Wonkette mentality.

          *shakes head in bewilderment*

          The Geek shall inherit the earth, apparently.

    2. Extemporanus

      As noted in the seminal treatise Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex by esteemed scifi writer Larry Niven, there's a much more immediate reason why Lois Lane might not want Superman to come:

      "Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.

      Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)

      In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.

      Artificial insemination may give us better results…"

      1. V572625694

        He was big buds w/"Doctor" Jerry Pournelle, as I recall. Pompous gasbag by association, therefore. Kinda miss Byte, though.

        1. Extemporanus

          The very first "hard" science fiction novel I ever read was The Mote in God's Eye by Niven & Pournelle.

          I was only about ten at the time, and I remember not understanding a good amount of what the hell was going on, but nonetheless liking it so much that I went back to the library and checked out another book by them, Lucifer's Hammer, which is basically just chaotic and cool end of the world vignettes that are right up a young kid's alley.

          I've been temted since to re-read them as an adult to see how they hold up, but I just can't bring myself to waste my time with words penned by Pournell now that I kinow he was involved in writing Reagan's big SDI speech and policy positions, and has described himself politically as being "somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan".

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            "Mote" == still among the best alien-contact stories

            "Lucifer" == still basically a disaster movie

            Pournelle == still a know-it-all douche.

          2. Chet Kincaid

            I read those in high school, too. I'll be fucked if I can remember what either of them was about, even after reading the wiki plot summaries.

          1. V572625694

            Pournelle's little bio always said he "holds a degree" or doctorate or some such. You hear it all the time nowadays, but that pretentious expression irritates the shit out of me. You envision the person sitting around all day fondling a framed sheepskin: "Oh, my precious PhD, you make me so smart, I wuv you I wuv you forever…"

  8. nounverb911

    I see Cunion is sticking to his parties racist policies:

    "I live just outside Cleveland, in the heart of Ohio's 11th congressional district, represented by Democrat Marcia Fudge. She has held the seat for only two years, but it will be hers for as long as she likes. The district is majority African American, and therefore overwhelmingly Democratic. Sadly, the Republican Party doesn't even try anymore".

  9. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I want to be able to vote an incumbent WaPo columnist out of office instead. Hey Jeff Probst — can we have an elimination challenge with columnists standing one-legged on a bamboo post or something? Krauthammer could just eat worms and fetal duck eggs, go wheelchair rappelling, then explain why the Americans with Disabilities Act is neither socialist nor another example of big-government overreaching. Without vomiting up his elimination challenge.

  10. BornInATrailer

    Cunion sounds like a very obscene portmanteau. As in:

    "She was smelling so loud it made my eyes water. Serious cunion."

    or

    "Anti-DIY? Please, Xine O'Donnell has been flicking that bean so hard she'll need surgery to get that cunion removed."

      1. BornInATrailer

        Maybe. I'm not totally happy with the cunt + bunion usage. If I were going to craft it from scratch, I'd go with "cornt."

    1. Extemporanus

      Cunt + Onion = Cunning Linguistical Garnish!

      "When life gives you a yeast infection, make cunion rings."

  11. doxastic

    The English teacher's essay reads like the incoherent text of spam for dick pills and Nigerian business opportunities, mashed up with Sarah Palin's twitter page.

    (Oh, and nice patchwork plagiarism, teach)

  12. PsycWench

    I have news for Mr. Editor's Pick: Having a special needs kid myself, I can say that having these children does not equal any sort of moral superiority or great mystical insights.

  13. hooray4anything

    I guess this means my "Marc Theissen should be Tried for War Crimes in Geneva" Op-Ed piece didn't even make it this far. I even said it would help make Obama become more bipartisan if he did in hopes Broder would like it.

  14. JMPEsq

    Looking through the page, out of the fifty contestants I count eleven women, along with six non-white folk (three black, three Asian); with an overlap of two minority women, that means only 70% of the Post's initial candidates are white men.

    That's diversity, WaPo-style.

    1. nappyduggs

      Truth be told, the six coloreds to whom you refer are only there because of tenacity points. Beneath the clearly explicated rules there is a line in fine print that reads, "no Blacks, no Asians, no bullshit."

  15. Limeylizzie

    Ok I cannot read anymore Wonkette today , unless someone bothers to fucking proofread what they have just written.

    Some guy named is currently leading that with only 106 votes, and

    Named what, pray?

  16. metamarcisf

    I checked the list again and I'm wondering how come Howard Kurtz of The Daily Beast didn't make the list of finalists?

  17. OkieDokieDog

    What's that up on fat guy's wall? A glue gun? A taser? Star Trek memorabilia? Some kinda sex toy?

  18. V572625694

    The only other requirement is that you be in favor of bombing countries, preferably this populated by Browns who don't like Israel so much. This is known as the "Hiatt Test." Oh, and you can't call "torture" anything but "enhanced interrogation techniques" or you'll fail the Cohen Test.

  19. V572625694

    Re the alt-text: You're saying WaPo pays the Cabbage Hammer, in the sense of giving him money? That's monstrous.

  20. slappypaddy

    giving a hate rose to a frenzy never solved anything. those things have thorns, you know, whatever you want to call them.

  21. JPatrickT

    Hey! It's true, I do read this blog. From Kenya! i found out about this dumb contest from Wonkette in fact.

    Vote for me y'all! Don't let Brian Ho take this away from us!!!!

  22. mavenmaven

    I'm no psychotherapist, but it seems to me that when a guy uses the term middle school girls, bending over backwards, prostrate, do a service, porn, massive, mammoth proportions, and the name Ho all in a few sentences, that he has some "issues".

  23. GOPCrusher

    "Put differently, I'd like to speak for those who know that we can be opponents without being enemies."=Tea Bagger speak.

    1. lulzmonger

      "If you only let us get away with using your own love of tolerance against you as a weapon, we can finally weaken you enough to wipe you out like the scum you are." = Koch Bros. thought-balloon.

  24. OobyDoobyDoo

    Dear Wonkette writer peoples,

    You are scaring me with your scary pictures you keep putting up…Please instead post picture of Mr. Romney fudge…that one makes me laugh!

    Thanks!

  25. OneYieldRegular

    That "high school English teacher" is almost certainly Glenn Beck, as the writing is pretty much identical to any passage in "The Overton Window." Of course, this assumption is entirely contingent upon there being a reference to Maxim magazine in whatever follows.

    1. metamarcisf

      Coming soon: "The Overton Window – The Movie", with Kate Jackson, Steve McQueen, Agnes Moorehead and that adorable aquatic mammal, Flipper.

  26. ttommyunger

    Well I'll be a Fudge-Packing Cunion Sucker! Don't forget the Diaper Bag on that date with Dave "Depends" Broder. ps. That thing on the fat guy's wall is an "Ass-Wipe Extender" for those whose needs exceeds their reach, unlike Andrew Sullivan, who is all asshole.

  27. fuflans

    my mom fought several local administrations, school boards and 1970's perceived wisdom to give my special needs brother the best schooling and up-bringing available.

    as far as I know, she never put up a facebook post about it.

  28. Mort_Sinclair

    Cunion–what a weird name. Is that for real? Short for female nether regions smelling like chives or shallots or something?

    And what's with the hair? His hair is Republican, i.e., one solid mass cemented together with Aqua Net. Hey, Mr. Cunion! Let a gay man touch your head and fix your hair!

    1. rizzlebit

      That dude was my professor for Issues in American Politics. I wondered what happened to him. He was one of 2 Republicans on staff at the time.

    2. rizzlebit

      Also, he told me when that I would not have a satisfying career when I told him I was majoring in Public Policy and Administration.

  29. chicken_thief

    You might have a weight problem when you need a fan on your desk to keep your rolls of blubber from sweating…. ("Mommy, why does Santa have a river flowing under his man boobs?") and I think that's the lardass than originates all of Palidino's women fucking horses emails!!!

    1. Rarian Rakista

      What is hilarious or sad is that if you get that big –like that Simpson's episode — you can start collecting SSD payments right away. We had a guy on the 15th floor in my old apartment complex that had to have 4 EMTs move him from his couch when he had a heart attack. Funny thing is, I moved in 3 years before and actually knew the guy when he was thin, he at some point started getting SSD and stopped going out.

  30. MelvinOfTheApes

    From a discontinued but archived blog by Mr Cunion:

    "The choice of Sarah Palin is the riskiest electoral move I have ever seen. Think of a game of roulette: This was like putting the whole stack on one number. So far, as the wheel slows down, it looks like that gamble may pay off. If you are a conservative, she is impossible not to like. And if you are a human being, her personal story is impossible not to admire. I confess to some mixed feelings about her campaigning and eventually serving as VP while she takes care of a special-needs infant – if she were a Democrat, Republicans would be livid at such a choice. But I also confess to tearing up during her convention speech when she paused to speak directly to the parents of special-needs children, noting that such kids bring a special love to their homes. Her key role in this election is to convince Americans that the GOP understands them – the moment she said that was the first time in my life that I felt like any politician really understood me and my family. And since my guard is always up, that is no small feat. She is the real thing."

    Hmm.

  31. MelvinOfTheApes

    Plus, he has a book coming out next year! And the price has been reduced! Pre-order and save $67.41!

    Governing America: Major Decisions of Federal, State and Local Governments from 1789 to the Present – Hardcover (June 2011) by Paul J. Quirk and William E. Cunion
    Buy new: was $250.00, now $182.59
    Available for Pre-order
    Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping.

    At that price they durn well better ship it free.

  32. MelvinOfTheApes

    I can't help myself! Research is SUCH FUN!!

    From Rate My Professors:

    "He is an awesome teacher! He really works to make it interesting and he really does a great job at it. There are little to no homework assignments. The only thing is that his tests are extensive but if you know your information and take good notes you'll be fine."

    "His sarcasm is hilarious."

    "Great to have a openly right winged prof."

    "Amazing Prof. Very clear except unfortunately he's republican!!!!"

    "Dr. Cunion is the coolest guy ever! Yay for casual Friday!!!"

    Not making this up.

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