hope and change out of those clothes

Nation Celebrates Columbus Day Eve By Throwing Book, Showing Its Dick


Everyone decided it was Do Shit to Obama Day when the president had a rally in Philadelphia yesterday. Some unknown person threw a paperback book at him, for one, though apparently the president didn’t notice, so our antsy nation must wait until next time to try to change Obama’s reading habits again by tossing magazines and books and pre-loaded Kindles at him. Also, finally some Messican tried to take up that one billionaire guy’s $1-million offer to streak in front of the president. Unfortunately, Obama didn’t see the guy’s dick, because the police rushed in and covered the streaker up with a campaign sign. But hopefully that didn’t invalidate this stunt, because our nation’s economy could sort of use that million-dollar infusion. If it helps, we made a Blingee of it!

Them Messicans is taking our streaking jobs too!

Christopher Columbus would be proud of what Americans did with the place. And by place, we mean Philadelphia, the exact spot where his ships landed. [Daily Mail]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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110 comments

  1. Chet Kincaid

    What's with the "we will not win this election" edit in the video? Are you trolling the paranoid Stuef-hater?

  2. Trinket

    That photo makes it look like the cop is grabbing streaker guy's peenie. Or holding his fat tummy up.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      It could be that he's holding up a sign to maintain some of modesty for the dude…but that doesn't make sense either. I mean, how many people would be carrying microscopes or magnifying glasses there?

  3. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Dude coulda' worked out a little bit ahead of time, you think. It's the President and all.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Whadda ya mean??!? Dude's pecs are pumped! They appear smaller because we see them in relation to the gut.

        1. taylormattd

          Sorry. Response fail. Was going for the "although-it's-not-surprising-that-Kos-is-naked-at-an-Obama-rally,-he-nevertheless-is-a-short-little-fuck" thing.

  4. lochnessmonster

    Vote 2010 — New for the fall election…loin cloths made from campaign signs. But what will the ladies wear?

  5. taylormattd

    Yay, you're alive! And thank god that bunny-on-rooster pic was replaced with a portly, naked man pic.

    1. DCHatesMe

      Yay, I had to spend the morning at HuffPo because the Wonkette was broken, and now, I suffer from toxic douche shock. Columbus sucks Paladino ass.

  6. JMPEsq

    While none of the pictures show exactly what was written on naked dude's chest, the first line looks like it ends in .com, so it's probably another promotion for that gambling website that kept ruining sporting events with similar stunts a few years back, now that online gambling is legal again.

    1. Extemporanus

      Besides streaking "within eye and earshot" of President Obama, the dude was supposed to shout "battlecam.com" exactly six times, or he wouldn't receive the one million Ameros.

      Really.

  7. problemwithcaring

    He saw the book, skimmed it and judged it decidedly pedestrian and not worth a read in that 3 seconds it took to fly past him in the air.

  8. ShiftyParadigm

    Oh, Bill, you scamp, you. Now you've gone and spoiled Michelle's Christmas surprise for Barack. But I guess you can never have too many copies of "Pinheads and Patriots."

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      According to World Net Daily, space aliens replaced Bill Clinton's penis with a special listening device.

  9. freakishlywrong

    I can't take my eyes off the wiener dogs looking to and fro..
    I think I have a case of the Mondays.

    1. JMPEsq

      Well it can't be Atlas Shrugged; that fucker's too heavy for any but the strongest man throw more than a foot or two.

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      If true, though, this might be the first time someone has gotten anything useful out of the writings of Ayn Rand (give or take a Rush album or two and BioShock).

      1. JMPEsq

        Now, there are plenty of uses for Ayn Rand's writings. For example, when someone on a dating site lists her books as a favorite it's a good sign to stay the fuck away.

          1. JMPEsq

            Doesn't matter; the kinky stuff doesn't make up for having to listen to excerpts from the 350-page speech, and liberal girls tend to be both game and good conversationalists.

  10. Limeylizzie

    Sigh, where is the Wonkette proofreader?

    "so our antsy nation must until next time to try to change Obama’s reading habits"

    I think the word missing is "wait". Also, why is there an ad for some Fascist outfit called "Right Network "marching at the top of the Wonkette? And for my final bitch of the day, has anyone read the ghastly piece in Newsweek by Mark Halperin about how everyone thinks Obama is incompetent?

    1. fuflans

      nononononono can't stand anymore of the obama news death litany.

      i'm going to read tolkein or something until january.


    2. Post author
      Jack Stuef

      If you can't look at a sentence I write and see the invisible words I see, you are obviously not member of the Wonkette Platinum Reader club.

  11. Eve8Apples

    He should have scribbled the promotional message on his schlong. If you're running through a crowd naked, no one is looking at your chest.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      There was a lot more "real estate" on this guy's chest. Stomach would have been more ideal, but this guy's stomach wouldn't stay put while running as much.

  12. PsycWench

    Maybe he just wanted Obama to help him with some of the big, multi-syllable words, the kind that comic books do not prepare you for.

  13. Extemporanus

    "I'm 90 years old, and I just wanted to ask the colored President on C-SPAN, why don't colored people — instead of saying what we did to them — why don't they say what we did for them? They talk about the slavery, but since then they have been given naked illegals, free books, free everything!"

  14. chickensmack

    Two things: Obama didn't flinch like Bush did. He isn't a pussy.

    Second, notice that Bush didn't get a book thrown at him. The Iraqi journalist knew he couldn't read, so why bother?

  15. lumpenprole

    Probably an insane grad school dropout who once took Barry's Constitutional Terror Baby courses at Elite U. He highlighted all the answers in his copy of "Contemporary Reflections on Our Constitution" and is still trying to turn it in. Rahm has beaten this guy up several times when he was found sneaking around the White House trying to slide old papers under the door.

  16. MistaEko

    Throw something that lands nowhere near its target and expose oneself to the revulsion of all observers?

    Today, we are all Brett Favre.

    1. JMPEsq

      But if the thrower was Favre, Obama would've caught the book and returned it for a defensive touchdown.

      And if he was a Cincinnati Reds pitcher in Philly, he would've been hit for an RBI walk.

  17. rocktonsam

    the book must have been thrown by an elitist librul.

    no way some tea bagger got a book to throw.

  18. mumbly_joe

    This is hilarious, when you considered how much shit Bush needed to fuck up, before people started throwing crap at him. Oh noes! Obama passed a modest stimulus package and another law that keeps insurance companies from being complete dicks, all the time! What a monster! This is totally equivalent to murdering hundreds of thousands of people in arbitrary wars of aggression with no objectives, and also instituting an official policy of torture!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Then again, throwing a book at Barry could be the intellectual equivalent of ladies throwing their panties on stage at Tom Jones concerts.

    2. charitablearm

      That's no coincidence, tho, right? I couldn't have gotten into a Bush event fully clothed and empty-handed because I TOO am a Messican and didn't they pre-screen for stuff like that?

  19. slappypaddy

    mr. president looks very tired and just this side of fed up. next rally, expect him to throw the book back. and he looks like he can still sink three-pointers. how's his knuckleball? maybe he needs to start throwing some fastballs, high and inside, do a little brushback on the opposition.

    1. Steverino247

      Brushback? Fuck that, bean those bastards. Everyone that comes to the plate for the Elephants.

  20. Not_So_Much

    Let's celebrate Columbus Day the traditional way: By walking into someone's house and telling them we live there now.

    1. lumpenprole

      I like that game! I call it "Israeli Settler." You can play pretty much any time you want, no matter what anyone says.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        David Payne, the "boomer" who kept invading Indian Territory in OK was the model. Invade so many times that the cavalry gets tired of taking you back and the authorities just say,"fuck it. If you like it so much here, just stay. Okay?"

  21. LionelHutzEsq

    The person should have thrown one of Sarah Palin's books, as they are incredibly light weight and sure to fly for miles.

  22. JustPixelz

    Sorry to hear the TP'ers threw away their book. Though it did inspire the man-boobs (or boob-man) guy to "tease the panther".

  23. mumbly_joe

    But if these people feel their masculinity is so threatened by Barry, why do they keep on insisting on seeing his "long form birth certificate"? I don't see how that would help with their feelings of inadequacy.

  24. Mindblank

    The economy must be improving since someone has a book to spare. Everybody knows books come in handy during hard times, especially if their pages are thin and soft and comfy.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      There were trying to discuss that over at HuffPo…but it was hard since it was hard to have an adult conversation using the words that were in the story without getting censored by the Goderators.

    2. mrblifil

      "What's the point of this?" Kobylt asked organizer Marshall Krupp. "I'm a lawyer and I'm trying to settle cases. Why do I have to talk about my sex life, my abuses? Why do I have to sit naked, pass around a wooden dildo? What does that have to do with anything?"

      Greatest story in the history of Journalisms.

    3. Tommmcatt

      This is what confuses me about straight guys. If you want to play with some other guy's dick once in a while, go for it. You do not have to come up with some elaborate ritual/create a fraternity/frequent airline restrooms to cover up your desires. I've slept with women in my life, and occasionally am attracted to one or another of them. It doesn't make me straight.

      It's about who you are able to fall in love with, people. Fucking is incidental.

  25. Extemporanus

    Thanks, you two — your pee checks are in the mail. (Or rather they would be, if the post office weren't closed today…)

    The problem is, puns really are kinda easy (especially when commenting using a phone), and I'm trying really hard to break my addiction to them. However, a dusky-looking nude dude raising a fuss at a pro-Obama rally on Columbus Day Eve was just too loaded with pun-tential (Arggh! See?!) to pass up.

  26. mavenmaven

    What is the likelihood that Obama would have been impressed by a tea bagger's male genitalia? Just asking.

  27. WIDTAP

    In another incident at the rally Sunday, the Secret Service detained an unidentified man after he threw a paperback book onto the stage as Obama was speaking.

    He was interviewed and determined to be an "over-exuberant" supporter of the president's, who hoped that Obama would pick up and read a book that he had written, a Secret Service spokesman said. No charges were filed and the man's name was not released.

    From the Philadelphia Inquirer.

    1. Dr_pangloss

      I'm sure he won't do that again. Probably needed a change of shorts after fifteen guys in suits quietly pulled him out of the crowd.

      Only in Philly man, I love this town.

  28. voodooeconomics

    If the guy's excuse is because he wanted the president to read his shit, then we must print Wonkette's comments and hope he gets a hold of it. There are plenty of comments in here for a good reading at Camp David.

  29. finallyhappy

    Let us clarify- the nude guy was from Staten Island- not Philly. Philadelphians are all dignified, classy people. All the stories you hear about bad fans at Eagles, Phillies and Flyers games- those guys are also from Staten Island- or Jersey.

  30. Redhead

    Awww, they cut the youtube video off before we saw the secret service agents tackle the book thrower dude.

Comments are closed.