blogger infallibility

Update! AFA Blogger Still Knows Jesus Wanted That House To Burn Down

Pyromaniac.American Family Association blogger Bryan Fischer said a couple days back that firefighters in Tennessee letting that house burn down was the “Christian thing” to do, and after we picked it up and it spread across the Internets, it turns out a lot of people, Christian and non-Christian, thought he was quite incorrect about that! But Fischer has come back on the blog (in WHITE text) to refute his communist critics, because he is CERTAIN Jesus likes to see His children suffer to make a point about government expenditure. “It’s frankly odd to see the Christian community blame the fire department for something that was somebody else’s fault. I’m used to hearing that from liberals, socialists, and Marxists, but not from followers of Christ.” This guy is the best!

The left, of course, has grabbed the “What would Jesus do?” mantra – as if they really cared about anything Jesus would do – and used that as a cudgel. Friends in the faith community have likewise taken aim, saying that they too know what Jesus would do.

These people are idiots. Non-Christians put Jesus on the cross, and Christians need to read between the lines in their Bibles and discover it’s actually just an older version of Atlas Shrugged. Jesus does not have compassion! He is a cold, calculating proponent of personal responsibility. DUH.

It’s a strange thing to hear evangelicals saying we ought to take resources without permission from responsible citizens (the ones who had been faithfully paying their fire protection premiums) and use them to bail out the irresponsible ones.

Yes, it is strange to hear evangelicals giving a cogent argument. By the way, Fischer, this fire department could have perhaps just charged the guy for their cost to save his house after the fact. But no, you’re right, watching his house and pets be destroyed to make some Aesop-fable point is what Jesus would have wanted.

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And once again, Fischer knows for sure what Jesus would have done if he was wearing a firefighter costume standing by that burning house, and it’s not firefighter cosplay:

Well, as long as we’re speculating on what Jesus would do in this situation, I’m as entitled as anyone.

What would Jesus do? That’s easy. He’d tell Mr. Cranick, “Man up, accept full and total responsibility, and don’t blame anybody but yourself for what happened. That’s the Christian thing to do. And next time, Gene, pay the 75 bucks, all right?”

“Man up!” That’s right! That is Jesus’ favorite catch-phrase! “Lo, bros, when I see the most needy, I tell them to man up and have some personal responsibility. If you tell this to the needy too, you are serving me.”

Your Lutheran-raised afternoon editor seems to remember something about a prodigal son and a son who was responsible. The point of that was that Jesus hated people who weren’t careful about paying their firefighter fees, right? Those people should be banished, right? God does not love, and He does not forgive. [AFA]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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322 comments

  1. anonymousofficezombie

    Still too subtle for the average Tea Bagger mind.

    Needs more Obama slashing the Constitution to ribbons with an scimitar and cartoon word bubble of him saying, "MY PLAN TO DESTROY YOU IS ALMOST COMPLETE, GENERIC WHITE MAN ON PARK BENCH SYMBOLIZING ALL OF OPPRESSED, WHITE AMERICA!"

    1. transfatz

      This is somewhat O/T but Judas was not a member of the Iscariot family. Rather he was Judas Sicari which was the name of the sickle shaped knife used by the Judean insurgents to slit Roman throats. A better translation would be Judas cutthroat or Judas terrorist. He could buy his way out of the death penalty by paying the price on his head. That would have been 30 pieces of silver, a hefty amount for a commoner to come up with. The Romans didn't give Judas any money, they just gave him his life.

      1. zhubajie

        Palestinians will tell you such people are descended from Crusader rapists. An Iraqi archaeologist credited the Roman army.

  2. Crank_Tango

    Firefighting is anti-christian. Why do you think they call that shit "acts of god" anyway?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You mean I'm goin' t' church every Sunday to pray to an arsonist?

      That just don't seem right.

  3. Gopherit

    "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." -M. Gandhi

    1. JMPEsq

      "There was only one true Christian, and he died on the cross." – Nietzsche. It's still pretty much the same today.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      my favorite Gandhi quote of all time, nice to see you got 100 'thumbs up' on this from all the snarky, cynical Wonketeers, looks like many of us really ARE liberals! (I understand the Mahtma didn't like the Muslins so much either, same gawd, different prophet I guess? :)

  4. Grief_Lessons

    "…remember something about a prodigal son…"

    If you're going to go and site examples from the actual Bible then you're missing the point of American Religion, in all its radiant truthiness.

  5. Beetagger

    The 5th Horseman of the Apocolypse… not paying protection money to your local firefighter.

  6. Gopherit

    It's just sad to see these Tea Bagging, libertarian type "conservatives" confuse Jesus Christ with Chuck Norris.

    1. CUNextTuesday

      But, you know, maybe they're on to something. I mean, you never see Chuck and Jesus together…

  7. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    You know where else there are fires? Yeah, that's right, you're all going to Hell!

    Dear Christ: Save me from your followers.

  8. waitforsugar

    "….and at that moment I see my bracelet: What Would Jesus Do? So I lit him in fire and sent him to Hell." Daniel Tosh

    1. mayor_quimby

      One of my favorite comedy bits!
      "What you doin? Nothin, in the movies."
      ……
      "I'm a man, not much of one, but I'm a man"
      …..
      "Your punchline."

  9. harry_palmer

    I think it's in Luke that Jesus says "Man up, Lazarus. You think I'm some Obamacare dispensing Commie? Your death is your responsibility. If you'd just had some insurance, maybe you wouldn't have died"

    1. mog253

      Chapter 3, Verse 16 or something like that. "And Lo, Lazarus did man-up and lo he did rise and live responsibly among his people for many years, even unto his pre-paid death and internment."

  10. PsycWench

    Remember, this is the guy who said that we could have the homosexual agenda (I would love one if it's leather bound) or freedom, but not both. So we're talking about someone who is unacquainted with the libtard concept of Logic, which probably has its roots in the Middle East or something.

    1. el_donaldo

      Logic came mostly from boy-fucking pagan Greeks in addition to Muslims. Algebra and pretty much all higher math, including the concept "zero" came initially from Muslims, plus pretty much anything else that's not just religious superstition. I think someone should try to get Teabaggers all worked up and protesting the continuing existence of all knowledge.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Modern medicine also came from the Muslims, which is honestly probably why the Jesusbaggers are so intent on making sure people -especially women- aren't allowed access to it.

  11. V572625694

    As an atheist, I find all kinds of cool stuff in the KJV bible, Luke 15:11-32 in this case:

    A certain man had two sons: and the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me.’ And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land, and he began to be in want.

    And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat, and no man gave unto him. And when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants.”’

    And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’

    And they began to be merry. Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing. And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant. And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound. And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him.

    And he answering said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.’

    And he said unto him, ‘Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.’

  12. JoshuaNorton

    These xtian whack-a-loons are more members of a sect than of a genuine Church. They are the same as islamic jihadists.

    They are mainly trying to revive a vision from the Crusades or the Spanish Reconquista, but which is at complete variance with contemporary forms of religiousness.

    We were told in Sunday school the word "Christian" means to be Christ-like, but the message I hear daily on the airwaves and the “christian ” media are words of war, violence, and aggression and does not refer to the teachings of Christ.

    Then again, what makes us think this guy is really Christian? Because he calls himself one? I learned a long time ago that there's a big difference between being a religious person and being a good person.

  13. Groupshrug

    Jesus was often know to proclaim "Fuck those poor dumb fuckers. They are poor so who gives a shit? Lepers? Let 'em die if they're dumb enough to get leprosy, it's their own fault"

    Let's say some poor couple needed a place to stay because the woman was going to give birth and had some highly unlikely story about how she got pregnant in the first place… WWJD? He would say "sure you can stay here… if you got money. If not, keep walking with your broke ass"

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Jesus was often know to proclaim "Fuck those poor dumb fuckers. They are poor so who gives a shit?"

      Actually, what he said was "The poor you will always have with you." So … close enough!

      1. JustPixelz

        "The poor your will always have with you…"

        "Unless you let their houses accidently burn down," He added with a sly grin.

    2. transfatz

      How about some personal responsibility here. Hay isn't cheap you know. Yeah, yeah, sure, three kings are coming. Jesus!

    3. obiwanacracker

      And she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the gated community.
      Republicans I 2:7

  14. DoktorZoom

    And Teabag Jesus spake unto the multitude, saying, "Look, if you wanted some loaves and fishes, you should have planned ahead, you idiots. You knew you were going to be here all day, didn't you? What do you want Me to do, feed your lazy asses? Man up, you losers, and don’t blame anybody but yourself for your being hungry."

    And then the LORD did sup with the Pharisees, and He did give them many profitable Investment Tips.

    1. ThePrincessPat

      My absolutely favorite Magic Jesus story. He knew that almost everyone had responsibly brought some food along, but that they were all afraid that they were the only ones who had done so & would not have enough for their family if they offered to share.

      So he gave everyone the opportunity to secretly sneak a little bit of their food out into the common pool and, through the 'miracle' of understanding human psychology, there was more than enough for everyone. Praise Jebus! (No, seriously, agnostic as I am, I think the man (or the fictional character) had some pretty interesting & useful things to say about how we could best live together here in our world)

  15. DashboardBuddha

    Fireman, I have sinned against the Department, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy Subscriber. Make me as one of thy homeless.

  16. LionelHutzEsq

    Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's

    And by Render unto Caesar, I mean render him a whole bunch of kickass! Caesar's gay!

    Mathew 20:21 (Jesus speaking to Skoalrebel on whether he has to pay tax on his dip)

  17. DashboardBuddha

    And sadder still, the dude who's house burned down is all, "yeah, I totally had that coming".

  18. el_donaldo

    Pretty sure it's early on in the Bible that the whole "am I my brother's keeper?" issue comes up. Though to be true, Abel did keep the burnt sacrifices coming, and Cain did not. God may very well work on a pay-to-play-type system.

      1. PuckStopsHere

        I believe I will respond to this by commencing to worship Blaggo forthwith. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Pretty sure it's weirder than that….apparently Cain was offering the Lord some fruit and Abel was giving Him some nice fatty parts of a couple of lambs, and God liked the lamby parts, but thought the fruit was for, you know, geys, or something…go figure…anyway Cain got pissed, but God was too big to hit…that's what little brothers are for….oops…

  19. lumpenprole

    Little known fact, Jesus sometimes hangs out by the gates with St. Peter. He likes to shove the damned off the clouds for fun. "My son, this is for your own good." PUSH. "Have fun down there, chump, you earned it! Next!"

    Or maybe I just imagine Jesus behaving like that because I'm an asshole.

  20. bumfug

    Why is it so hard to believe that a God who would take the one guy who loved him most and mercilessly fuck with him just to win a bet with Satan would have a son who's a dick to burned-out rednecks?

      1. bumfug

        Thanks. Sometimes it's a long and winding road but I'm writing this shit for Wonketeers, not Christine O'Donnell.

  21. PhilippePetain

    Haha! These people really do conflate the Jesus thing with their superego. Whatever dad beat them about while finishing off that bottle of Mickey's, that's what Jesus would beat them about too. Whatever mom squawked at them while changing three shitty diapers in front of NASCAR, that's what Jesus would want.

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    It does bring to mind Jesus' refusal to raise Lazarus from the dead, or heal the leapers, since they got what was coming to them.

    1. elfgoldsackring

      Leapers? Be fair, it is kinda hard to heal someone who's all splattered across the pavement, even if you are the Son of God.

  23. WALLYPIP

    The scripture says: "As ye have done to the least of these thy bretheren, ye have done it unto me. And verliy I tell you, I like firetrucks!!!!"

  24. WALLYPIP

    The scripture says" As ye have done to the least of these thy brethern, ye have done it unto me. Also, verily I say to you, I like firetrucks!!!"

  25. Amaravilha

    Like that Senator from Minnesota once said, conservatives will see your Parable of the Prodigal Son and raise you a Parable of the Talents.

    Also, dude looks like creepy Pope Ratszinger. If Pope Ratszinger were a little less Nazi and a little more Utah.

  26. Neilist

    Surprisingly, I agree with you Communist Liberal Pinko SCUM.

    Specifically, all insurance providers (which is what this fire department was) should pay ALL claims for ANY loss suffered by ANYONE, regardless if they paid the premiums, or ever had any kind of insurance.

    And when there is no money left to cover the claims of those who actually bought the coverage (which I am sure does not include any Wonkies), they can ask for a government bailout.

    But why stop there? Let's broaden the principle: Nation states who don't have a military force should be able to "borrow" from states that do.

    [Wonkette: Reasoning and Logic That Would Make Christine O'Donnell Blush.]

    1. savethispatient

      Well, you're right, assuming you believe the fire service is a form of insurance.

      However: the man offered to pay his $75. That's what it costs for a year of coverage. You don't pay extra the next year even if you had a fire previously. You don't have a choice of fire services to pick from ("oh no honey, this is a chip-pan fire, lets call 912 for Fire-O-Rama Inc instead"). So, what's the difference if he paid it on time, or then-and-there?

      This $75 should be rolled into the city taxes and non-payers should be fined, for tax evasion. The fire service can't be optional: they still had to come and put out some of the fire when it threatened his neighbor's property. If it had been a worse fire, or his neighbors closer, the entire block would have been threatened by their inaction.

      The US tried competing optional fire coverage in it's past – a lot of arsons occurred by firemen generating business. Fire coverage is not insurance, it's a universal necessity for civilization.

      1. Gopherit

        Not to mention that in just about every other nearby district that was asked, there's a simple and fair policy. You don't pay the fee? Fine. We put out your house…….and we charge you the actual cost of putting out your house. It's "fair"……well, ish. At least fair enough that reasonable people could probably agree. Not Fischer, though. Or Neilist. I mean, I said "reasonable" here. I think we could rule out Brass-testicled Jesus, too.

        1. Guppy06

          "we charge you the actual cost of putting out your house"

          First off, putting a $5000 firefighting lien on a $2000 corrugated shack (even before the fire damage) isn't going to get you anywhere. This fire wasn't exactly in Beverly Hills.

          Secondly, a lien is Evil Government Coercion (TM), the avoidance of which was the entire point of making the fee voluntary rather than tacking it onto the property tax bill like the developed world does.

          This is exactly the system these "rugged individualists" want: No Big Government and No New Taxes. Was it immoral to sit and watch the house burn? Yes. Unchristian? Yes. Unethical? Fuck no.

          1. Crank_Tango

            and it made good business sense to send trucks there to idly watch it burn. Like the time I was sick, had no insurance, and the doctor and I just sat there while I got sicker, thinking about how I should have had insurance.

            seriously tho, who shows up for work and then sits around and doesn't do it? Oh yeah, the town. Never mind.

          2. Guppy06

            They didn't just sit there and watched it burn, they protected the property of the guy's neighbors who did pay up. The 911 calls were ignored entirely until brush on the neighbors' lands lit up.

          3. Gopherit

            Um, make no mistake. The guy who didn't pay the fee, like all of his neighbors, WAS a "rugged individualist." He would have been just as blithe about something identical happening to his neighbors as his neighbors were about what happened to him. These are conservative Republican/Libertarian values in action. He took a risk and he should pay for it……..but not with the loss of his home.

          4. Guppy06

            Losing his home is likely the only way he'll learn his lesson. If they did put the fire out and put a lien on the property, he'd be screaming bloody murder about government intrusion and how he could have put the fire out himself if only the communist firefighters didn't get in the way. Letting it burn is the best possible option for all involved.

      2. Redhead

        My dog's vet offers a plan (it's not technically considered insurance). You can pay $20 a month, and almost everything is covered to some extent – spaying and neutering, vaccines, two checkups a year, and ALL office visits are free. Other things, like teeth-cleanings and nail-trimmings and medicines, are discounted at varying rates (10-40%).

        I pay the monthly fee, but plenty of people don't – and the vet still sees them all, emergency or not. They pay a lot higher fees, but they're seen. Kind of the way actual doctors and ERs work – if you have an emergency, you're seen, and you pay the WHOLE cost instead of your copay, which is expensive as shit. Not having insurance is a gamble that you won't have an emergency and have to pay all that out of pocket. That's because those are doctors, not insurance companies.

        If you cause a car wreck, a mechanic will still fix your car, and then charge you out the ass while you kick yourself for not having insurance. In fact, you're legally required to pay the other person's repair costs if you caused the wreck. No government bailouts, just a lot of regret.

        I've never heard of a government bailout for anyone who couldn't afford medical bills – I know people who wrecked their credit and maxed out credit cards and now, 10 years later, are still trying to pay off hospital bills from when they didn't have insurance. So, with this family WILLING AND ABLE to pay the fee or insurance premium or whatever you want to call it, not after but DURING the fire, and the fire department saying "haha we're going to fuck sideways anyway, just for kicks," how is that like an insurance company or any insurance system in this country?

    2. PhilippePetain

      "Apples are like oranges, no really, they're both roundish. Also, I saw an orange tractor- trailer once. Apples and tractor trailers are the same!"

    3. mumbly_joe

      Most fire departments are overwhelmingly overhead-heavy- the biggest expenses are the house, the equipment and its maintenance, keeping their crews trained (and possibly paid), and so forth. By the time a fire department is on a job, you don't actually save any money by not putting out the fire.

      Plus, fires spread, geniuses, so beyond a general (one might even say, "Christian") obligation to act (us up in Commie Pinko Land tend to look askance at EMTs that just let cold leave people to die, because they weren't on the job just then, for example) it saves more work later that's a little harder to explain to the other, paying, (and probably litigious!), property owners.

      This is why, even in places that have a "subscription" system for firefighting (I used to work in one, actually), most sane departments still put out every fire that happens.

      Also, don't assholes like yourself love to reply whenever someone brings up the fact that US America has a bigger military budget than the entire rest of the world, combined, by arguing that we're basically doing the job of those other cuntries for them? So it would actually seem like nation-states that don't want a military force can kinda get away with it, as long as there's some other nation-state somewhere that's full of assholes and morons who really don't want to do anything with their money beyond murdering a bunch of brown people halfway across the globe.

    4. SayItWithWookies

      Also, if you're sitting there next to a burning house with your fire truck and your crew, and the owner of the house is writing you a check for the $75, you should just tell him to screw off. Actually they should show up at one non-payee fire per year, just to set an example to the slackers.

    5. ShaveTheWhales

      Actually, I think most of the CLPS have suggested that the FD should have extinguished the fire and then billed the guy at an inflated hourly rate. This would have provided several potential benefits:

      1. Since the bill would be way more than $75, it would encourage others to pay the danged fee.

      2. The family's pets would not be crispy critters.

      3. The Fire Brigade would get some live practice — since they were there anyhow.

      4. The load on the county's social safety net (assuming they still have one) would be reduced. Hence, Profit.

      Re military borrowing, why stop there? Let's go straight to Gordy Dickson.

      1. weejee

        I'm guessing that it was an attny thing, sorry Neilist, that precluded that, or perhaps perception of it being an attny thing.

        1. Absent a contract, I don't know if the burnee would have any obligation to honor a bill from the FD.
        2. Suppose that the FD had a contract/release/whatever on the fire truck that the burnee could have signed so the FD could have billed him full-cost (not just labor, but reasonable equipment costs including trucks, hoses, protective equipment, plus a little vig). Could the burnee then get a smooth-talking attorney (chime-in oh you attnys out there including Neilist) and got the bill tossed by claiming the signature was not "free will" but made under duress?
        3. The FD did do some firefighting to avoid damage to adjacent property whose owners had paid the $75 tab,

        I have a good friend who has been toasted twice with fires where he did not have fire insurance. He could have, money was not an issue and fire insurance really is cheap even for renters. But he looked at it from a hardcore biz sense, thought his chances of fire loss were small (that's why the rates are low) and tried to save a few nickles. After the first fire he was even more hardcore, going on about the chances of lightning striking him twice were nil. Although the chances of getting hit hard with two fires are small they aren't zero, so paid the price, twice.

        I really don't have a lot of sympathy for this guy — the burnee (there goes my P rating). I do have sympathy for his crispy crittered pets since they didn't get a vote. However, what really frosts my ass in this whole mess is the douche Bryan Fischer bring Jeebus into the mix. That was total horseshit, though not a surprise since that's what we get from most fundaments, be they Islamotards, Koshertards, Jeebustards, Hinditards, or Whatevertards.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          I have zero sympathy for the moron burnee. I still think the FD should have sprayed the trailer and billed him. And if the bill didn't stand up, then the the county could, you know, pass an ordinance that requires people to pay for the freaking fire department.

        2. mumbly_joe

          I'm not going to steal your pee, but I do want to point out that there's a bit of a material difference between fire insurance, which renumerates property damages and losses due to fire, and "fire-fighting insurance". Much as I have health insurance, but not "transport insurance" for when I need an EMT, and I have renter's insurance, but not "get-the-police-to-respond-to-my-just-burgled-apartment insurance".

          It's almost -almost- as though certain things are considered to be beyond a matter of willingness to pay and instead matters of public safety*, or some shit like that.

          *Public safety, of course, being one of the handful of exceptions that libertarians will claim exists between their ideal government and that of anarchists.

          1. Redhead

            I think there's a big difference, in general, between insurance policies/companies and care/safety PROVIDERS. This would be why you don't pay your health insurance premiums directly to your doctor, don't pay your car insurance premiums directly to your mechanic, and don't pay your homeowners insurance directly to the handy man or police department.

            Because, you know, care and safety providers usually provide care and safety. Insurance providers sort out the billing and the gamble you took (and that's all being insured/uninsured is).

            Also, hospitals treat people without insurance and then bill them later. The people don't always have the money to pay up front, but I haven't heard of challenges to the bill because it was signed under duress or whatever bullshit you're (weejee) spewing above. The vast majority of lawyers aren't soulless bastards but actually have some integrity and intelligence.

    6. Gopherit

      It would probably include you, Neilist. You're a big "by your bootstraps" kind of guy, right? Also, your gunsafe has to be fireproof, so who gives a shit?

    7. imissopus

      I can think of ways to make Christine O'Donnell blush that have nothing to do with logic and reasoning.

      Now conflating the local fire department with an insurance company…that's good logic. I'm starting to believe that you really are a lawyer.

      1. Neilist

        Yes, yes, we need to go back to the Classic Method used by Marcus Licinius Crassus:

        Most notorious was his acquisition of burning houses: when Crassus received word that a house was on fire, he would arrive and purchase the doomed property along with surrounding buildings for a modest sum, and then employ his army of 500 clients to put the fire out before much damage had been done. Crassus' clients employed the Roman method of firefighting—destroying the burning building to curtail the spread of the flames.

        "Fuck the 75 bucks: Give me the title!"

        ["Conflating"? Look, I realize this legal stuff is complicated, and hard for untrained minds to understand. (Particularly those of Communist Liberal Pinko, etc.). But try to keep up, okay?]

        1. imissopus

          Conflate means to merge into one entity. You are trying to argue that there is no difference between the fire department and an insurance company (and I quote: "Specifically, all insurance providers (which is what this fire department was)"). I'm arguing that a fire department should not be thought of as an insurance provider because they perform two separate functions, even if one wants to make the case that the $75 fee is similar to insurance premiums. In short, I stand by my word choice. Asshole.

          But sure, keep mentioning the Roman empire, there's a model we want to emulate. Whatever happened to those guys, anyway?

          1. Neilist

            Whatever happened to the Roman Empire? It fell, of course . . . but only after several hundreds years longer existence than that of the American Empire.

            Longevity must have been linked to all those insurance/fire department premiums.

            Or the feasting on dead frozen Grasshoppers.

        2. Dashboard_Jesus

          sweet holy jeebus you're a dick, ain't ya (and I ain't a skeered o' yer guns neither!) also

    8. Neilist

      Gee! 11 "replies" already. Ooooooh, looks like Neilist struck a nerve.

      Yes, yes, I can just imagine what would have happened if one of you Wonkies had ponied up his/her/its $75 for fire protection, and the Department was not able to respond to your fire because its units were deployed putting out the fire in this Whining Deadbeat's home.

      [Can you say "Lawsuit"? I knew you could.]

      On a related point: The Grasshopper is suing the Ant, and Aesop, for general and special damages. The gravamen of the Complaint is:

      1. Said aforementioned Plaintiff Grasshopper spent the warm months singing away while said aforementioned Defendant Ant worked to store up food for winter.

      2. On arrival of Winter (hereinafter "Winter"), said Grasshopper found itself dying of hunger.

      3. Whereupon said Plaintiff Grasshopper asked said Defendant Ant for food, only to be rebuked by said Defendant Ant its idleness.

      4. As a result of said denial, Plaintiff Grasshopper suffered general and special damages, including, but not limited to, pain and suffering, emotional distress, loss of income, and other damages according to proof.

      5. Said claim and damages are not barred by the equitable or legal doctrines of "Idleness brings want", "To work today is to eat tomorrow", "Prepare for want before it comes," which doctrines and/or common sense are not recognized by the State of Wonkette.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ant_and_the_Gras

      [P.s. The suit was thrown out: The Grasshopper froze to death, and the State of Wonkette does not recognize Wrongful Death Actions . . . at least, when brought on behalf of insects and/or Communist Pinko Liberal SCUM.

      Same thing, really.

      Look out! It's a RAIDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

      1. weejee

        Yowza, yowza, this event wouldn't have been a tort-a-leanie, but a double super-sized greasy mass of potential torts. It kinda does make me sad that the wonderful quote from Henry VI is now morphed to "first kill all the MBAs."

      2. ShaveTheWhales

        Nihilist, my boy, you are getting onto thinner and thinner rhetorical ice, rhetorically speaking.

      3. axmxz

        Geez, are you still here? Get a job already, you poor-ass basement-dwelling mom's-pension-mooching hippie.

      4. Redhead

        Most fire departments are capable of putting out more than one fire at once. That's why they have more than a couple firefighters and several trucks. Most of them actually train for that scenario.

        But I'm SURE they'd be amused by your patronizing shitspew. I'm sure your fire department payment wouldn't get "lost" in the mail.

        Oh and the cracker-jacks-box law routine is about as cute as your patronizing attitude towards firefighters.

      5. mumbly_joe

        They're called "mutual aid agreements". As in, the next nearest department responds to the call per prior agreement with this fire district, even though no homeowner ever fucking paid them a dime, either way. It's almost as though, shockingly, most fire departments are more interested in providing an adequate emergency response than in whether the person they're rescuing is helping write their paychecks, or some shit like that.

        Though, you are right, I can say "lawsuit", and I'm certain that any hypothetical homeowner that suffered fire loss because of a fire that spread from another property while the local FD just sat by watching it could, as well. Because, it's a very easy word to say, after all.

        1. Neilist

          "Mutual aid agreements," between fire departments, have nothing whatsoever to do with whether a fire department is obligate to waste the resources that others paid for protecting Whining Communist Pinko Liberal SCUM deadbeats.

          Other than that small problem, you make a compelling argument.

          For the side other than you intend, however. But compelling nonetheless.

          But let's elevate this discussion, shall we?

          A hypothetical: If Benazir Bhutto's equally criminal husband had set her on fire, in an act of sutee, and she had not paid the Paki Fire Department her annual $75 fee, would she still be DEAD?

          Answers should be 150 words or less, and will be graded on content and grammar.

          1. Gopherit

            ""Mutual aid agreements," between fire departments, have nothing whatsoever to do with whether a fire department is obligate to waste the resources that others paid for protecting Whining Communist Pinko Liberal SCUM deadbeats. "

            Yes. One less Whining Communist Pinko Liberal in rural Kentucky. You should take a moment in the powder room, ma'am. Your agenda is showing.

            Carry on with trolling.

      6. Dashboard_Jesus

        '….Commie Pinko Liberal Scum, blah, blah, blah…' REALLY, is that all ya got, that and yer arsenal of penis enhancers, REALLY?

    9. undeterredbyreality

      But, but, but… Fire departments are made up of people who get paid to put out fires; they provide a service. Insurance companies get paid to hold on to our money based on their mathematically based bet that if enough of us pay some sum to them, they'll have enough money to get rich on and pay off the claims that are made (at least the ones they don't deny for petty reasons while trying to weasel out of the contract they signed).

    10. fuflans

      this thread is very long and very grumpy political and you all make excellent points even if you disagree.

      all i have to say is: "nation states who don't have a military force should be able to borrow from states that do" means the europes.

    11. Lascauxcaveman

      So, to review, I think we're all more or less in agreement on a few points:

      1) The private fire department has a legal right to not help the guy

      2) Showing up just to say "Haha, fuck you" is a dick move

      3) Neillist is an asshole.

      1. weejee

        Agree with you on #1 and, obvs. #3 goes without saying. On # 2, the FD did do what they were supposed to do by showing up, which was keep the fire from spreading to adjacent property. They did spray water and stuff to keep the fire at bay from the other property.

        Number 1 could be avoided by eliminating the fee option and make in mandatory. If we move to a buffet-style tax system where folks can opt out of paying for parts they don't agree with would lead us rapidly to anarchy.

      2. Neilist

        Your point No. 3 (Neilist is an asshole) is subject to judicial notice in most jurisdictions.

        And as to your point No. 2: Maybe the FD showed up to toast marshmallows?

    12. transfatz

      I was an EMT in my community for about 5 years. All EMS and fire services here are provided by volunteers. When we were called to some human hamburger's accident scene we didn't check to see if the victim had paid fees or could pay. We left that to the suits. We just showed up and did our fucking job.
      I always wondered why people Wonkettabouts thought you were an asshole. Now I know.

    13. Boojum_Reborn

      Neilist, damnit, we aren't talking about What Would Hartford Do? This is about What Would Commie Liberal Pinko Jesus Do! You know, the guy who did miracles, for free, just to give shit away.

      Of course, it is a lot like saying What Would My Imaginary Best Friend Do or What Would Harry Potter Do, but that's the game we're playing.

  27. elfgoldsackring

    And everyone knew that road to Judea was notorious for muggings, so that one guy was being a total dick not hiring private security.

  28. ManchuCandidate

    Jesus loves fees! This I know,
    For the Bible tells me so;
    $75 to Him belong,
    They are cheap but He is strong.
    Yes, Jesus loves fees!
    Yes, Jesus loves fees!
    Yes, Jesus loves fees!
    The Bible tells me so.

  29. mumbly_joe

    Well, to be fair to shitbag Fischer, it does say in the Limited-Edition-First-Draft-AFA-Version of the Bible that the greatest two commandments are:

    Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Man up, you goddamn socialist queer; you ain't getting no free ride on my dime.'

    So you can understand the reasoning, really.

  30. mumbly_joe

    Also, may I use this space to propose the implementation of a "muscular Christian virtues" tag? Not only is it useful for when these idiots say dickish stuff like this, but it's also likely to come in handy the next time there's a Rentboy scandal.

  31. blinky_twinkie

    That picture is not the wimpy, simpering, feeble "born in the Middle East" Jesus who was all about compassion and probably looked like a short(er) Yasser Arafat. No, that is the REAL Jesus, who manned up and hung there on the cross only for all those who paid their fire insurance and fuck everybody else, and who looks like he was born of the union of God and Chuck Norris.

    1. ipsidixie

      That there picture is of the real Mormon Jeebus (not to be confused with a guy who might look a lot like Yasir Arafat). This was painted by a guy named Del Parson. There's a great "faith-promoting" rumor that's gone around the Mormon community that this particular portrayal of Jeebus was done by Parson, sent to high muckety-mucks in Salt Lake City and they sent it back with requests for changes to make it more like the guy they allegedly converse with on a regular basis. Parson made the requested changes. But seriously…Parson lerves painting him some Jesii and a lot of them show up in Mormon church literature.

    2. OCKerouac

      I'm afraid your history is slightly off. The union of God and Chuck Norris didn't lead to Jesus, it lead to the Big Bang.

      Jesus was the offspring of Chuck Norris and Sarah Palin…

      Or was that Trig…

      1. blinky_twinkie

        Ah, yes, it was The Big Bang. So Man-Jesus up there was the offspring of Charles Bronson and Clint Eastwood. Of course. I see it all now.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Actually it would be Chuck Christ. True story – my brother got whooped by his nun teacher when he kept referring to Jesus' folks as Mr. and Mrs. Christ.

    3. Toomush_Infer

      Yeh, I like the way this Jeezuz would behave on the cross – "Just one nail?…oh, and have you got any vinegar? 'Cause I'm thirsty, asshole…"

  32. legalize everything

    Isn't one of the main tenants of Christianity that Christ actually died to save the rest of us from our sins…? At least he didn't have to cough up 1/10,000 of $75 though. Love thy neighbor? Fuck that noise!! Amiright, Jesus, amiright?!

  33. zhubajie

    Personally, I'm expecting a certain fire-chief's house to be Molotov-cocktailed before too long.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Apparently the son went over to the station and decked him one, later.

      Frankly, as someone who's lived in a station or two in my day, I'm surprised one of his subordinates didn't beat the kid to it.

  34. Mort_Sinclair

    I love the furrowed brow and the high-bridged, narrow nose on that Anglo Jesus. I'm thinking he's descended from the northern Germanic tribes or the Sami, given the cheekbones and the eyes. Who knew?? Jew? Not a chance.

    That is, bar none, the best Anglo Jesus I've seen in a long time. That's a keeper.

  35. JustPixelz

    The guy is just another partisan using Jesus to shield his greed, intolerance, sins, lot-in-life. I'm not a Christian, but I'd like to think Jesus would have turned some wine into water and thrown it on the flames.

    In the middle of this story is a community that uses a voluntary fee to fund its fire department instead of more conventional tax. Sounds like Repubican nirvana – opt out of fire protection. Why not police, military, food inspection, too?

    As an alternative to the health coverage mandate the TP'ers hate so much, how about a law that forbids treating people who don't have insurance? Seems equivalent to the house fire situation. Having chest pains? Man up! In a car crash? Man up! Going into labor? MAN UP!!!

    1. bagofmice

      Well, we know the opinion that Jesus held of the money changers making mad profits off of religion.

  36. Chet Kincaid

    Pissed-off Jesus looks like Kenny "The Snake" Stabler after Fred Belitnikoff drops a wide open touchdown pass in 1979.

    Pissed off Jesus has had this look since the Year 33, thanks to his followers.

  37. Gleem_McShineys

    This douchenozzle is doubling down on the fucktarded misinterpretation of what a FIREFIGHTER is supposed to do, as well as mangling everything about what Christianity is about?

    What the fuck does that $75 supposedly cover? Apparently not fuel to drive out to the scene, because the dicks went there anyway. The firemen's time? Again, those fucks were just standing there, thumbs in butts. So what, then? WHAT EXACTLY, Mister Brian Fucktard Fischer, would have been "taken away" from the other people who paid, to have put the fire out for this guy? The interest on $75 dollars for the period of time he didn't pay up, until he would, right after his house was saved? You're right, bag of fuck, Christ is definitely more concerned about pennies more than the suffering of people. I totally forgot about his Parable Of The Blessed Greedy Shitheel.

    If I was any insurer of any of the houses in that craptown, underwriting any fire loss policies, I'd be quadrupling my rates (at the very minimum) ASAP. You know, for Greedy Shitheel Jesus.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Well, there is the ever-present "free rider" problem- if this guy doesn't pay his $75, and doesn't have a problem, then someone else notices and stops paying theirs, and so on, until the whole subscription system collapses entirely and gets replaced with something more reasonable like, I dunno, a modest fee included with property taxes, which nobody notices.

      Also, given that we're talking about Bumblefuck, TN, there's probably generously, what, 1,000 households within their coverage zone? If even? Does anyone actually think the this fire department has an operating budget of under 75k, and that subscriptions are their primary, or even a major funding stream here?

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        From what I read, they did an analysis in 2008 for Bumblefuck, to see what kind of unbearable tax increase that it would take to fund the firefighters through property taxes (and therefore cover everyone, not just the elite Bumblefuckster "subscribers").

        This would have cost each household the huge unbelievably slavery-like tax increase of $0.13 each! GET YOUR SOCIALIST HANDS OFF THE CHANGE IN MY COUCH, LIBTARDS!!

        All the statistical unhumorous answers to your good points can probably be found in this document as well…

      2. ThePrincessPat

        Of course, the 'free rider' scenario is based on the assumption that absolutely no one will see that, if no one pays their fair share, then there will not be any 'free' service available to be taken advantage of. It assumes that everyone is an idiot.

        1. mumbly_joe

          True. If the "strong" version of the "free rider" scenario were actually true, then institutions like churches, which run entirely on voluntary donations, would never work.

          And yet, these are the same people who also claim that all social services (i.e, welfare, food stamps, etc) should be replaced private charities funded through voluntary donations, such as churches, and that this would totally be sustainable, even though they just finished talking about how that very thing doesn't actually work.

          Just thinking about it gives me a headache.

        2. zhubajie

          Probably it's a safe assumption that 90% are idiots, the remainder cretins and morons. The slightly smarter people would have moved out or built their houses of something not flammable. Cinderblocks, maybe.

    2. PresBeeblebrox

      Every volunteer fire company I've seen or known of is cold ROLLING in cash. Where I live, they get Federal and state Homeland Security money to buy fancy shit like brush trucks, fireboats, hazmat disposal vans, Mobile Command Centers, and stuff like that; people leave them money in their wills and donate land; the fire companies and firefighters are considered state employees for the purposes of sovereign immunity from lawsuits; injured firefighters get worker's compensation benefits; and "retired" volunteers get half state pensions. YET, they bill for ambulance services – provided by VOLUNTEERS – and also mail out "assessments" to their citizenry, with letters darkly implying that if they don't pay, they might not get the level of fire protection they're used to because Times Are Tough.

      Boo hoo. Bumblefuck VFD was out $75 so they couldn't have taken an hour or two of their time to DO THEIR JOBS and put out a fire.

    3. doxastic

      And they had to waste money putting out a totally preventable second housefire caused by the first. So, way to be fiscally responsible…

  38. Veritas78

    They're so busy thumping the bible, they don't have time to read it.

    Me, I just fap my bible, 'cuz Jeesuz was a hottie.

  39. donner_froh

    Heard the adult son of the family on NPR a couple of hours ago. He said that it wasn't just the house and furnishings they lost since insurance will cover most of that but that his "momma" lost her momma's bible and her daddy's bible and his "daddy" lost his momma's bible and his favorite aunt's bible. No word about cousin copy of "The Best of Tom of Finland".

    Wise up, Bryan Fischer–they was BIBLES burned in that there fahr.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Not to mention the son's three boxes of x-rated comics…just sayin'…anyway, just on the three fingers pointin' back at ya principle, wonder what's under Bryan Fischer's bed that he wouldn't wnat to lose to Man-up Jahwah…

  40. OneYieldRegular

    It's just like that irresponsible Mary and Joseph. Couldn't they have "manned-up" and reserved in advance for a Motel 6 instead of just showing up and having to slum it with the livestock? I mean, I bet Mary was all like, "Oh! Joe! I just felt the baby kick!" and Fetus Jesus, in his first act of libertarian anger, was all like, "Dang yo, that was no kick, I just slapped you upside the womb – now stop being such a miserly tightwad and get me out of this filthy manger. Did you even check Priceline before coming on this trip? And now you're gonna bring a BABY into this mess? I mean, just LOOK at that floor."

    1. user-of-owls

      They hid out in the manger because Joe had some bum gambling debts and knew the Three Wise Guys were on his tail.

  41. iburl

    Get this through your thick heads, evangelicals…. JESUS WAS A RADICAL PROGRESSIVE LIBERAL. He showed compassion for the poor and the sick. He was constantly talking about love. He dressed like a slob. Long hair, a beard, and smelled like a hippie.

  42. johnnyzhivago

    It's amazing… I was raised Catholic – attended essentially Catholic education through college – and have been a Presbyterian (USA) for 20 years. I've never heard any message regarding Christianity that didn't involve loving neighbors, enemies, looking the other way, etc…. I don't remember being told to let poor people starve and die because they were lazy. I don't remember anything about letting someone's house burn down because they didn't pay some sort of bill…

    My Christian education frames my mostly liberal world view. Yes the Catholics have some crazy shit – but that's why I left them. I don't think Catholics believe in letting people's home burn down.

    Frankly, I know what Christianity is – and I'm happy to say I'm part of it. I'm certainly not the most active or devout Christian – far from it. But these people make me truly sick – and really it's them who Christians should purge!!!

    1. mumbly_joe

      I just gave you a +1 because… well, I feel like I fell on the other side of that fence there. I know what Christianity should be, because I can read. And I know a good number of Christians who actually live that, and once counted myself amongst them.

      But, for me, I just can't get over that people like this guy are vocal enough about it that they become the public face of it, and that most of the people who could be doing the pushback against that are afraid of the "controversy" involved, so I left. I decided I could live the words, but can't live with the label.

      1. H Curve

        Ditto. Plus, their whole "wizardry is bad" stance made me feel unwelcome each and every time I'd show up on my Nimbus 3000. I mean, it was a fricken Nimbus 3000! Seriously, some people's children…

    2. DoktorZoom

      I've said it before, but the important thing to remember is that the Parable of the Talents is LITERALLY THE ONLY PART OF THE GOSPELS THESE ASSHOLES BELIEVE IN. Jesus wants you to get rich, period. Everything else they like is the stuff about condemning the homos to hell and stocking up on guns for the End Times.

      1. Toomush_Infer

        What about the Parable where the grape workers who worked all day got paid the same as those who just came in for an hour or so?…Communist…pretty sure it's in the same book…let's start tearing out pages…

  43. chicken_thief

    I can understand, to some degree, why the firemen wouldn't actually try to put out the blaze. But breaking out the marshmellows and guitars….. that was a little too much……

  44. Redhead

    Well my favorite passage is the one where Jeebus high-fives the money lenders in the temple and says, "yeah man! Just keep taking advantage of these suckers, they have it coming! This is awesome, I'd never turn over YOUR tables."

  45. chascates

    Satan = Hellfire
    People who put out fires = Firefighters
    People who could put out fires but watch them destroy instead = Satan's minions

  46. carlgt1

    isn't it very sacreligious that these right-wing nutjobs in the US continually spin the Bible as adhering to Ayn Rand-ian economics etc? You'd think the Pope would call them out on it. And yet these are the same idiots that blast all Islam for terrorists; as if a tiny fraction of a percent is responsible for the entire religion.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I think these particular "Christians" fall far outside the Pope's purview.

      Say what you want about the clergy itself and its many highly publicized sins, the Vatican is pretty much always on-message when it comes to helping out the less fortunate, and Catholic charities (on the local and Archdiocese levels) are still some of the heavy hitters in organizing soup kitchens, coats-for-kids etc. At least in the U.S.

      [/ex-Catholic who still writes checks to Catholic Community Services]

      1. carlgt1

        I totally agree – but it's laughable these same sorts screech that "top Muslims need to speak out against terrorism and the hijacking of Islam every minute of the day" — yet you'd think that likewise they'd hold their religion up to some standards and not adulterate the Bible with this Ayn Rand BS.

        It would be great if the Pope or some Greek Orthodox bigwig or the Archbishop of Canterbury would point out to the delusional US version of Christianity that Jesus didn't require private insurance policies to do his works etc.

      2. zhubajie

        In Cincinnati, there used to be a group of nuns who offered free haircuts and showers to the local homeless folk.

  47. x111e7thst

    I am glad that my fire department is the gay francophile FDNY which puts out fires without regard to the payment status of the property owner. I guess this makes me some kind of atheist fag.

      1. x111e7thst

        This is true. Once a year we sacrifice a Christian baby to give thanks for this fact. Then we go out and poison a couple of wells.

  48. Mort_Sinclair

    Shortest Anglo Jesus: "What time does the Super Cuts open at the corner of Jericho and Gethsemane? Gettin' a little shaggy."

  49. undeterredbyreality

    Hey, man, I used that parable of the fuck-up son in the last story (or the one before that) about this–where's my credits????

    1. Bluestatelibel

      Uh, you're like like two months behind on your Wonkette dues…and you expect Wonkette credits?!?

  50. ShaveTheWhales

    Is this the last post before the weekend? 'Cause, fuck. The fact that people like Bryan Fischer continue to walk around unsmitten is the purest argument for atheism of which this agnostic knows.

    I fear that Jack has been infected with Karen's "we're irreversibly fucked" world view. Perhaps some karaoke?

    Nevermind. Excuse me while I slink away into a slightly-premature alcoholic haze.

  51. ByronTheBulb

    Though their ideologies are fundamentally opposed, Ayn Rand and Jesus were both Jews (!), so I guess they have that in common.

  52. marionetta

    What would happen if a car caught on fire on the road in Asshat, Tennessee?

    Save the car but not the house with pets in it, I betcha.

  53. mrblifil

    I'm willing to accept that Jeebus may be more macho and indifferent than we originally gave him credit for, but it doesn't explain why Jeebus relieved his stress by receiving anonymous blow jobs from random dudes.

    1. zhubajie

      Because it was greco-jewish Judaea! Why do you think they wrapped themselves in sheets? The better to take them off!

  54. metamarcisf

    Bryan Fischer doesn't screw around. When he told me that muslim inbreeding was a huge problem, I didn't bat an eye. When he said that the speed of light was instantaneous at the moment of creation, I sent him a five dollar bill; now he is assuring us that those redneck (sic) firefighters were acting on the will of our Saviour when they decided not to put out that "fucking" fire. I'm having my paychecks garnished by AFA so this shit doesn't stop. After all, the constitution doesn't give any of us the right to shout "Fuck" in a crowded escalator.

  55. x111e7thst

    Why does Microsoft hate my Wonkette? I'm stuck using IE on a borrowed PC and it keeps telling me that this website has been reported as having bad stuff. Does Bill Gates hate the buttsex?

  56. Dimitrios_M

    See, all this misunderstanding is because your bible isn’t the New 21st Century Revised Edition

    I was hungry and you cut back on food stamps,
    I was thirsty and you charged for unpolluted bottled water,
    I was a stranger and you paid me less than minimum wage,
    I was sick and you called it a pre existing condition,
    I was in prison and you rented me as a slave to some corporation,.
    My house was on fire and you let the sucker burn.

    1. kenlayisalive

      Not that I can add to the above awesomeness, but…

      "That what you did for …I mean, to… me, you shall do to all men, because you got into Harvard on a legacy admittance. It has been written. Amen."

  57. mumbly_joe

    Also, just one parting shot at this Fischer douche:

    "I’m used to hearing that from liberals, socialists, and Marxists, but not from followers of Christ."

    Yeah, about that…

    All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. (Acts 2)

    The disciples, each according to his ability, decided to provide help for the brothers living in Judea (that's from Acts 11)

    Where do you fucking think Marx even got that "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need" line, anyway? He got it from fucking Acts, you cunt.

  58. ChernobylSoup

    Upside: it's gonna be cool to hear the church choir sing, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire; we don't need no water let that motherfucker burn" this Sunday morning just before the offertory prayer.

  59. Slapwow

    "Man Up Jesus" also spent the roaring twenties going around shaming crippled shopkeepers for not paying their protection money to the mob. They had it comin'!

  60. PuckStopsHere

    This MOTHER FUCKER has never heard from a Christian in his miserable life.
    Signed,
    A Christian

  61. Refudiation

    Nonono — that was the failing of MAN to follow the word of the gospel. Just like it was the evil of man that brought us Katrina, Haiti and Nancy Pelosi. All products of the errant ways of God's lost children. Now NASCAR, Glen Beck and oil, on the other hand — those are gifts from the benevolence of God, who loves us and wants us to share in the bounty of heaven.

    (What, there is no Danica Patrick in a neoprene body suit in heaven because she's only Formula One? Fucking hell.)

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Sorry, but Patrick is in the Indy Racing League, not Formula One. Bernie Ecclestone of F1 has said having her in F1 would be good for advertising, but you have to be able to drive a bit faster to get into that game.

  62. kittylittr

    Jeebus had TruckNutz on his crucifix. His last words were, "Kiss my ass, Satan." Then after he died he Transformered into a giant robot and destroyed the Temple.

  63. user-of-owls

    All these years and I never knew that the Talking Heads' 'Burning Down The House' was Christian rock. Well I'll be damned.

    1. Radiotherapy

      I think you see the light here, owls.The whole of this Wonkette site, according to Mr. Fireman Fuck is going to burn in hell — hell, I can't wait to meet y'all. Anyway, it'll be sanctioned by his 1/3 deity, Jesus. So, apparently, the son of the Old Testament son of a bitch likes to watch things burn. Houses, souls, cualquier.
      I guess we'll be god-damned.
      And Xian rock sucks more than Yoko Ono's second album.

  64. Barbara_i

    I didn't feel sorry for this dude at first. He didn't bother paying the bill and then he started a fire to burn some shit off at his house. Then I heard that his pets died in the blaze and that made me sad. I saw his douchey son on TV, asking for donations and I cringed.

    No one should have to suffer and have their house burn down. No firefighter should have to risk their life to help someone who doesn't care enough to pay the bill and have the common sense not to light a fire that they can't control.

    Because I am torn on this issue, I will just wait to see what Sarah Palin has to tweet about it and then I will know which side to take.

    1. problemwithcaring

      If those pets were human babies would you still feel the same moral ambiguity? (Careful how you answer: one side is sanity, the other Paultardom.)

    2. finallyhappy

      It was the 21 year old grandson who started the fire to burn stuff- it was his grandparents who owned the house. Also the neighbor offered a great deal of money for the firefighters to fight the original fire but they refused. They said they had orders from the city manager. Sounded a lot like the "We only followed orders, it wasn't our fault" Their system is crap and do you really think you should risk your life for someone who pays $75 and not for someone who doesn't?

    3. Katydid

      The only excuse for not rescuing the pets is if a person's life would be endangered. Otherwise, no discussion. I don't care the circumstances, the orders, whatever. Leaving the pets to die was immoral.

    4. snoopyfan2010

      The good thing about your opinion is that you will never ever be in his position and have to worry about people being nice to you when you don't deserve it. Am I right?

    5. doxastic

      Public safety services aren't moral issues. One house caught fire, causing other preventable fires. That's why you have a fire department to put out the first one. In the same way, a child getting a preventable disease because s/he wasn't vaccinated isn't poetic justice, it's a public health hazard. Think less "you got what you deserved" and more "shit runs downhill."

  65. transfatz

    Letting that house burn down was the “Christian thing” to do.
    I'm Jesus. I'm an asshole and I approve of this message.

  66. SheriffRoscoe

    Ahem. From the Book of Matthew:

    Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?

    Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

    Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

    So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;

    and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

    Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

    Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?'

    For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

    But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

    Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

    Shorter Jesus: "Insurance, Shmin-suracnce! Also, Bryan Fischer and the American Family Association are kindly requested to eat a bag of salted rat dicks for dragging me into this and twisting my message."

  67. SheriffRoscoe

    I was going to post a really long bit about lilies and fields and how they really don't give a shit about tomorrow, because they're lilies and Jesus said as much and why can't you be more like the fuckin' lilies, anyway? Would a lily of the field give you $75 to have you come over and throw water on it in the unlikely event it should ever catch on fire? But then I realized, it doesn't matter. Nobody in their right goddamned mind thinks this pig fucker Bryan Fischer of the AFA has an inkling of an idea what Jesus thought about stuff.

    [ / Maker's Mark fueled rant]

  68. DashboardBuddha

    I'm kinda a Christian and stuff like this really makes the day harder than it needs to be. See, the more I experience these moronic preening pukes, the less attractive heaven looks. An eternity with Jerry Falwell? Can we just book my room in Hell now?

    I bet Hell still only has dial-up though.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      In heaven the all-you-can-eat buffets are open 24/7, and their is always space to maneuver your hoveround. When you have a hankerin' for some culture there is the Grand Ol' Opry, house of music and mirth. Oooo-wee! Sign me up!

    2. finallyhappy

      no way, my people, the Jews, willl all be in Hell or wherever these right wing fuckers aren't. We will have the good people with us(and we own the afterlife too!)

  69. seaclearly

    Cranick Fire Fund Bedevils Glenn Beck: http://wp.me/phRi4-y5

    Who would be willing to Sell Anything – regardless of the level of losses for the masses in the forthcoming chapters, or even his Judgement in the Hereafter? “Certainly not a . . . man of God.” Who would be Laughing – while “mocking fire victims,” because he sees himself as above the lower (classes of) flames? “Certainly not a . . . man of God.”

  70. PresBeeblebrox

    One of the fun parts of being a liberal Christian is knowing when Beck, Palin, conservtards, and teatards completely misread the Bible. AFA must be reading that special Conservative Bible with the librul parts taken out, because if I recall correctly, the parable of the Ten Virgins which AFA cites in support of his "man up" argument is followed by the parable of the Talents, which basically says that those who do not share their wealth and clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and give water to the thirsty will be among those condemned to eternal judgment.

    "Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to Me."

    THATZ MUSKULAR KRISTIANITY!!!!

    1. DoktorZoom

      No, no, no, the Parable of the Talents is about the importance of investing in the stock market, and how Supply-Side Jesus wants you to leverage your portfolio for the greater glory of God. Jeez, don't you keep up?

    2. snoopyfan2010

      I may be wrong but the parable about the ten virgins is about preparing your SOUL, not paying a stupid fire tax. For example, if you choose to spend your life condeming and judging others instead of working on your own faults, your soul might burn.

  71. Oblios_Cap

    The firefighters were just reviving the staunchly Xstian practice of the Auto-de-fe. Obviously, the pets were heretics and had it coming.

  72. Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    "Don't blame anyone but yourself" Right. Just like Job. Motherfucker brought that pestilence on himself, or am I forgetting some part of that story?

    On another note, I can so NOT WAIT for one of these fat fucks to have a heart attack, no insurance, and be told to "suffer the consequences" of their deicsion to treat their body (a temple, no?) like shit and not have health insurance.

  73. not that Dewey

    I'd like to take this opportunity to thank that Wonketteer, whose name is lost in the mists of my drunken mind, who turned me on to Supply Side Jesus. Seems like a good a time as any to do this.

  74. DemmeFatale

    Is it just me (wouldn't be surprised), or is it a major pain in the ass to refresh this post? With the new system, I can't just hit refresh to read new comments. I get sent to the beginning, and have to scroll through, and kinda guess where the new comments are.
    Wa-a-a-a-h! I want a new week end posting!!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Yeah, and Intensedebate is very flaky when it comes to taking you to a specific post you've been alerted about in email; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. What I would like most, in all of the three view options (date, activity, rating) is a button that expands ALL threads on the page–then you could search on the page for specific names or phrases (in Safari, at least).

  75. spooked911

    Know what?

    Jesus never even fucking existed.

    I just love arguing about what fictional characters would have done.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Ron Weasley would have botched the "extinguiato" charm (which is exactly what that talentless hack Rowling would have called it), while Harry saved the day.

        And Elizabeth Bennett would have disemboweled Bryan Fischer with her katana.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      If you're saying the supernatural and divine stuff didn't happen, maybe not, but Jesus definitely existed.

  76. glamourdammerung

    OT, but is anyone else hoping the teatard that got ran over by a Latino while exercising some "Second Amendment Solutions" at a local elementary is the start of a trend?

    The running over teabaggers, not the shooting at seven year olds.

    1. kenlayisalive

      Hahaa. Wow, amazing. From your link: Iott, a member of the Ohio Military Reserve, added, "…from a strictly military point of view [the nazis] accomplished incredible things … From a purely historical military point of view, that's incredible."

      from a PURELY HISTORICAL point of view. And only because my PURELY HISTORICAL INTEREST IN THE HISTORY OF MUSTACHES, I shave everything except for the bit under my nose. There is a lot of "Pureness" going on here, that's all I'm saying.

      And then "I mean, they took over most of Europe and Russia, and it really took the combined effort of the free world to defeat them."

      I might have my history wrong, but I don't remember the part where the Germans beat the Russians at Stalingrad and took over Russia. But then again, I didn't learn my history from reading the updated edition of Mein Kampf. There are about 200 million people living in Eastern Europe and Central Asia who likely have something to say about who killed the most nazis during ww2.

      Like I've always said, the last countries that need a denazification program are the US and Britain.

    2. x111e7thst

      Sing it with me:
      …Die Strasse frei den braunen Bataillonen!
      Die Strasse frei dem Sturmabteilungsmann!
      Es schaun aufs Hakenkreuz voll Hoffnung schon Millionen.

      1. weejee

        Incredible isn't it? And although Nate Silver says Iott has no chance, the polls still show him pulling 36% in a solid blue district. Grown man who dresses-up like Waffen SS with his fellow schumcks and he can pull over a third of the vote.

        1. zhubajie

          Ohio Republicans are basically the sorts of people who became Nazis. The German-American Bund was strong there in the bad old days.

    3. DemmeFatale

      So, now the racist wing-nuts are remaking Hitler from a genocidal monster into a misunderstood tactical genius?
      And now Jesus is no longer a peacenik hippie Jew? He's a ruthless bad ass?
      WTF?

      1. weejee

        Sad but true. Didn't think there was enough brown acid out there to fry that many brains for all those folks to be making such total logical disconnects.

  77. gurukalehuru

    The way I see it, there is a certain code of ethics, inherent, or so I thought, in human DNA, passed down from generation to generation and embedded in the lore and tradition of certain occupations.
    You don't leave a drowning man at sea to go chasing after White Whales, you don't lock a person outdoors on a freezing arctic night and you don't let somebody's house burn down while you're standing next to a hose.
    The fact that pets were killed takes this story across the line, from comedy to tragedy, from comically bizarre right wing fuck uppery to shocking and inhuman right wing fuck uppery.

  78. MiniMencken

    I remember a Colombian radiology tech telling a roomful of people in a Catholic student center of a local university that "Jesus had a big cock, because he was a perfect man!" The disco music coming out of the guy's boombox made the moment even better, as did the two flashlights he was holding and rhythmically pointing towards a mirror ball he had hung from the ceiling. Good times.
    This has nothing to do with this thread, but I just felt a need to put it out there.

  79. MiniMencken

    I remember a somewhat unhinged Colombian radiology tech telling a roomful of people in the Catholic student center of a local university that "Jesus had a big cock, because he was a perfect man!" The disco music coming out of the guy's boombox made the moment even better, as did the two flashlights he was holding and rhythmically pointing towards a mirror ball he had hung from the ceiling. Good times.
    This has nothing to do with this thread, but I just felt a need to put it out there.

    1. user-of-owls

      You some kind of New Testament faggot? In the Old Book, he kicked blind people in the cunt.

  80. user-of-owls

    You know, I always thought SNL's Hans und Franz would have worked better with three actors, sorta like a trinity so to speak.

    "I am Jesus. Und I am Gott.
    Und ve just vant to burn… (clap) …YOU UP!"

  81. boy_scientist

    Silly Wonks, that picture is the Mormon Jesus (Copyright 2010, Intellectual Reserve). He's much burlier than the Holy Wimp that the Marxists are talking about.

    Suck it up and get a helmet!

  82. elpinche

    My life-long pot supplier once told me:

    "Once you believe in a God you'll believe anything."

    ..aint that the truth?

  83. Sassomatic

    Did Jesus have access to healthcare and other public services? I think not. Jesus does not want you to have things he does not.

  84. doxastic

    This may be the first time in his life that Mr. Fischer has failed to quote scripture when making an argument. What, couldn't find anything in (Rand) Paul's Letters to the Teabaggarians?

  85. zhubajie

    It wouldn't surprise me if someone throws a Molotov Cocktail or two at some firefighters' homes in Bumblefuck, TN.

  86. mumbly_joe

    Well, at least Brian Fischer is right about how it says in the Bible that Sodom burned because it was full of gheys.

    Haha! Just kidding! It actually says in Ezekiel that their crime being arrogant, overfed and unconcerned, never helping the poor or needy, and further being pretty damned unrepentant about that stuff.

    1. zhubajie

      No, the Sodomites were punished for threatening visitors with violence. Lot was a righteous man because he defended his guests at all costs.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Well, taken together with Ezekiel, it suggests that that was really the final straw in a long line of bad behavior, because the ones Ezekiel mentions don't seem all that linked to the Lot incident at all:

        Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.
        -Ez 16:49

  87. chavisory

    This guy is solidly confused about what Jesus said and did and what he stood for. Personal responsibility was not it. Depending on each other and showing compassion even for the most undeserving was.

    1. zhubajie

      Some wonketteers might also enjoy rationalwiki, which largely exists to make fun of conservapedia.

  88. elfgoldsackring

    "Light a fire for a man and you keep him warm for a night. Set his house on fire when he's locked inside and you keep him warm for the rest of his life." St Paul's Letter to the Assholians.

  89. Triscuits

    Guys, this Jesus person was a total asshole. This one time, he took food from these *responsible* people who had thought ahead and brought bread and fish to one of his big-ass rallies. And what did he do? He redistributed *their* food, the food they'd been smart enough to bring, and gave it to all those other dicks who didn't pay their bread-and-fish dues. Man, fuck that shit, Jesus was a communist! Is this really the kind of person we want to teach our children to emulate, America? What would Jesus do? More like what would Lenin do, am I rite?

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