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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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101 comments

  1. 4TheTurnstiles

    I think medicare's done enough for *you* already, old lady.

    It's clearly hospice time for the teabagger generation.

    1. petehammer

      He would have been angry, but he knew that he had already had sex with the woman's daughter and granddaughter. So, karma, I guess.

    2. Limeylizzie

      Wow, his eyes were blinking furiously,and wasn't that a smidgeon of a snarl playing around his mouth? He was fantastic!

    3. Dr_pangloss

      You can almost hear him think "mutherfucking racist bitch" from here. Mans got more poise than I'd ever have. I'd be like " don't worry to much about it dear, you'll be worm food soon."

  2. HurricaneAli

    That was probably the most amount of emotion I've seen a Washington Journal host express. It takes a lot of not racist talk from a 9000 year-old lady to make them even move an eyebrow. God love 'em.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Old people seem to revert to toddlers after a certain age, whereupon they have to preface everything by holding up their fingers and saying "I'm this many old!"

      1. awesome_dude

        This person was old enough to have voted throughout the entire civil rights era, and I can bet none of the people she voted for actually supported the movement. Aside from LBJ, of course (because isn't it just so tragic what happened to that papist mick that was his boss?)

    1. Ducksworthy

      I pray for the day will all the teabaggers come to their senses and all together say "well that seems reasonable, nevermind"

  3. natoslug

    Opus: Penguin lust is not immoral and wicked, and anybody that thinks so is just an old prude. It's beautiful! And natural! And I for one fully support penguin lust!

    Donahue: Great, but today's topic is "nun beating."

  4. JoeMamased

    I only hope her home health care aide was watching this, so she'll know just how grateful she should be.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    "Ma'am it's not always about race — and a few nice men in berets will be by your house to explain that in a little more detail."

  6. Rambone

    Here, here! Is it too much to ask that the coloreds thank the white man for all that he has done for them?

    Let's start with the Native Americans. Hey Tonto, think you can muster a "thank you" for the free blankets?

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      hey at least they were able to stay warm, while dying from smallpox…and don't forget the nice beads, also!

  7. i_AM_ready

    The poor old racist dear, she actually sounded gentle and a little nervous. I bet she charged up her Rascal, snuck past the guard at the nursing home, and rode to the pay phone at the 7-11 to make her call. And then had to whisper into the phone lest anyone overhear and call the nursing home. No doubt she really doesn't consider herself racist. It's just that she's been senile since the 1940s or whenever it was that people stopped saying "the coloreds."

    1. bumfug

      The line of meth dealers at any 7-11 pay phone would be way too long, she probably used her Jitterbug old-fucks cell phone.

    1. V572625694

      No kidding. They got an all-expenses paid ride from Niger to Charleston — a lovely city! — and then job training, lodging, food, religious education, and sexual liberty so long as they were the beneficiaries of massa's libertine desires. All that in exchange for building the plantation, following the plough, picking a little cotton for a few hours every day. How ungrateful can Those People be?

  8. elpinche

    "Since then, we have given them welfare, the Cosbys, BET, Oprah, crack, guns, AIDS, and nice gated communities like Compton, Inglewood.."

    The good news is by 2012, many of these old racist shitbags will have passed on to great klan rally in the sky.

    1. problemwithcaring

      They all have racist spawn, allowing gub'mint medicare to pay their racist parents' nursing home bills.

      1. elpinche

        That's where Nickelodeon's FEMA Camp Cruiseline comes in. Where all the little fatties are indoctrinated with education and science (Marxism).

  9. Gopherit

    "You don't have to tell me how we whupped you coloreds in the slavery. I was there. But we fed you. Even after. Really, what the fuck do you expect?"

  10. Gopherit

    That guy needs a day off. Let's see if Larry Willmore will take a shift for him. He'd tear that old, racist prune a new one.

  11. TanzbodenKoenig

    What a perfect vignette of the blithe, offensive ignorance at the heart of the Tea Party movement.

  12. OhHellToTheNo

    No, you haven't. According to my grandmother, she clearly remembers marching somewhere down south asking for civil rights and a unicorn. A fucking unicorn. Where is it? That was, like, half a century ago. She didn't ask for a black president. She knew that'd be ridiculous because white people would still be all racist in the future but she really wanted that unicorn. She's still waiting, white America. Don't let my grandma down!

  13. Badonkadonkette

    I suppose it's too much to hope the DNC will take the first 45 seconds of this clip and run it, repeatedly, everywhere, between now and November 2.

      1. petehammer

        The woman was actually an actor from Philadelphia, hired by the RNC. The casting call said "decrepit, senile old hag."

  14. Chet Kincaid

    After McCain snatched the microphone out of the old bitch's hand in '08, you'd think they wouldn't let her near anything she could speak her tiny mind into, again.

  15. thx11380

    BAhahaha….you can almost see him thinking, "jebus fucking christ on a stick I wish I could get a real job so I didn't have to put up with these fucking morAns!"

    On an unrelated note. Jack Stuef managed to post an entire story (just a video as he decided to just phone it in today) without backhandedly critisizing Obama. Amazing self control there Jack. I guess hearing the old bag call this black guy a "colored" was good enough for ya huh?!

  16. Extemporanus

    Considering how old the caller's tele-vision machine probably is, I'm surprised she even sees color.

  17. V572625694

    You give somebody an all-expenses-paid cruise from Niger to Charleston — a lovely town, by the way! — free job training, whatever they want to eat out of the compost bin, a nice place to sleep, all the overseer cock they can accommodate, and in return all you ask for is a few hours a day following the plough, picking cotton, serving meals at the big house, etc. Is it too much to ask that they at least be grateful for all we White People have done for the coloreds?

    I don't think so. Look at that uppity one in the "White" House — no respect at all!

    1. DoktorZoom

      In America you'll get food to eat
      Won't have to run through the jungle
      And scuff up your feet
      You'll just sing about Jesus and drink wine all day
      It's great to be an American

      Ain't no lions or tigers ain't no mamba snake
      Just the sweet watermelon and the buckwheat cake
      Ev'rybody is as happy as a man can be
      Climb aboard little wog sail away with me

      Sail away … sail away
      We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay…

      1. V572625694

        Plus free daycare until the picanninies are old enough to sell down the river What a paradise it was!

  18. american__mutt

    Old white folk speak: Wee kidnapped you and taught ya how to work the fields and live in the ghettos and feel detached from yer ancestors. where's ma thank yoo?

  19. PhilippePetain

    Goddamn, if this doesn't make me pine for the days when everyone will have a videophone-gadget-device and we can see the old biddy's face as she calls in to lay down her wisdom, picture-in-picture style.

  20. HateMachine

    You see that face? That is the face of a man who is being more patient with the entire universe than he previously thought possible.

  21. Troubledog

    Is guy that is all calm with no negro accent unless he wanted to have one like Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch?

  22. blinky_twinkie

    Master class in gracefully handling racist bullshit without batting an eyelash begins in 3….2….1….

    1. Tim

      I wish my 82 year old mother said "colored" … she doesn't even use it in public – I can't go anywhere with her.

      1. chicken_thief

        I feel your pain, Tim… god rest her soul, I could never to get mine to stop referring to anyone darker than the average golfer as "shines"…. If she'd have seen Boner on the tv it would have gone like: "WHUD THAT SHINE DO TO HIS HAIR?!!!" (She didn't wear her hearing aid so thought we were deaf, too.)

  23. donner_froh

    "I'm 90 years old and I just want to ask to colored man…"

    It looked to a very quick moment that the ultra-cool CSPAN guy was going to do a double take and start ripping her but then he realized that having "Washington Journal" on your resume is not a guaranteed path to your next gig on TV.

    Which is a shame since it would have made great TV.

  24. chicken_thief

    Damn, she made that being colored sound so good!!! There for a sec, I almost wished I had been born into that coddled life… then I realized that she was just an old fucking loon.

  25. Rotundo_

    I saw anger, but the self control and poise he showed was incredible. I don't think I could have made it through this without completely going off on this woman. I don't know how he did it.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Not even an eye-roll. My eyes would have been spinning like windmills. Possibly in two different directions at once.

  26. Tim

    Just think, in 60 years the millennial teabaggers will be calling in doing the same thing, except they will be covered in tattoos; face, neck, arms, everything. And there will be video. I am glad I will not live to see this.

  27. DoktorZoom

    Look, you really can't blame her. There was a colored fella, right there on the TV, and a phone number, and everything after that was pretty much just Fate.

    1. Tim

      Really! She used to call the police when she saw colored folk on television. She's come a long way.

  28. Neoyorquino

    "What did you expect? 'Welcome, sonny?' 'Make yourself at home?' 'Marry my daughter?' You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the New West. You know . . . morons."

  29. Mort_Sinclair

    Somebody strap that woman down in her Stannah stairlift and flip that sucker's switch to puree.

  30. carlgt1

    ok, the host was calm under pressure & awkwardness, but it would have been great if he stopped and said "ma'am, actually your use of 'colored' is considered offensive in this day and age" or something similar. Maybe the old biddy would have learned something. I mean even if she's 90 the terms "Negro" and "colored" were pretty archaic by what, 1975, so she would have been 55.

  31. kvetch

    the host kept his cool. bravo to him. At least the caller didn't blame everything on the Jews. Maybe if she had another 20 seconds. Seriously – the linkage to Taibbi's article in Rolling Stone on the white brain seems even more dead on now.

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