CRY ABOUT IT SOME MORE  2:07 pm October 8, 2010

Dying Glenn Beck Dying, Has Crackpot Theory About Him Dying

by Jack Stuef

Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop Bananaphone!OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck is dying! At least we think so, as he is very cryptic about it. He got all teary and such on his radio show today, and while that’s pretty much an every-second occurrence for him, this time he seemed resigned to the fact that he will die, or something, soon. No, sorry, we heard that wrong: “What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because Mormons don’t actually die, they just transform, like in those Animorphs books. But the word “mentally” in that gives us pause, because maybe it just means Glenn Beck is finally realizing he should trust his doctors when they say he’s insane. Holy Shutter Islandz!

What is this theory? Someone injured his soul? What the hell is he talking about? Did Dana Milbank get in the Magic School Bus, drive into Glenn Beck’s body, and take home a piece of his soul?

“I have been drinking that poison,” Glenn Beck also said, after announcing that doctors were looking for toxins in his body. What?

Yeah, we’re gonna say Dana Milbank is murdering Glenn Beck. But Fox News is an equal-opportunity employer, so they will still pay Ghost Beck to host a show after he dies. No big deal! Don’t cry about it! Ghostbusters don’t exist, Glenn!

Or if Glenn Beck is not dying, he will probably get to hang out with Margaret Thatcher at the dementia palace, transforming at will into snakes and puppies and penguins. Still fun! [The Blaze]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 187 comments }

smrtmnky October 8, 2010 at 2:11 pm

i thought that read 'lying.' meme chose. carry on.

johnnymeatworth October 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Dying, lying, crying, whatever.

smrtmnky October 8, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Gerund Beck

smellyal8tr October 9, 2010 at 9:54 am

Yes, I thought the same thing…

La_Cieca October 8, 2010 at 2:11 pm

He really is the reincarnation of Evita Peron.

johnnymeatworth October 8, 2010 at 2:26 pm

At least Evita could sing. I shudder to think what will happen the day Glenn Beck busts out with "Don't Cry For Me Argentina…."

smrtmnky October 8, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Instead of government we had a stage
Instead of ideas, a prima donna's rage
Instead of help we were given a crowd
He didn't say much, but he said it loud

Starfish October 8, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Apologies in advance for the lack of snark, but…

Did you know that, when the movie was made, Antonio Banderas barely spoke any English and learned his whole part phonetically?

Dag, yo. Thass sum mad skillz.

smrtmnky October 8, 2010 at 4:04 pm

and in a weird turn of events, it was the other way around for melanie griffith

user-of-owls October 8, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Well, at least Juan had his "Descamisados." What's Don Glenn got, "Los Descerebrozados?"

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 8, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Mentally changing into Ronald Reagan… post Alzheimer diagnosis.

Troubledog October 8, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Finally, the vigils can begin.

lulzmonger October 9, 2010 at 12:16 am

Dibs on the popcorn concession!

Extemporanus October 8, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Glenn Beck puts both the "hype" and the "con" in "hypochondriac".

anniegetyourfun October 8, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Also, if you're a Cathy fan (no one is), the "Ack!".

Extemporanus October 8, 2010 at 3:24 pm

I almost included this actual artist rendering of Glenn Beck going "ACK!" — for the hat trick! — but figured I was already pushing my luck by attempting a double pun.

anniegetyourfun October 8, 2010 at 3:28 pm

There IS no pushing of luck when it comes to puns. There is only goodness.

horsedreamer_1 October 10, 2010 at 11:47 pm

Hypochondriac
Hanging out at the Lincoln Memorial
Where all the fat, white trashy blondes be at

x111e7thst October 8, 2010 at 2:15 pm

“I have been drinking that poison”. Given that Glenda is a Mormon that could mean anything from coffee to a cocktail of bull-sperm and vodka.

JustPixelz October 8, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Except sometimes he can't find any coffee. Or vodka.

4TheTurnstiles October 8, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Fry sauce. for the uninitiated, you eat fried potatoes with this shit when wearing magic underpants:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fry_sauce

kenlayisalive October 8, 2010 at 7:34 pm

"as well as available by mail-order."

WTF? For those unable to access both mayonnaise and ketchup within the expiration dates of one or the other?

gijoeice October 8, 2010 at 2:18 pm

He probably drinks a cup of anti freeze every night specifically because of the government mandated label telling him not to. But then the government (and ACORN of course) found out about that and started putting TOXINS in his otherwise natural American anti freeze, So they could silence him and keep the sheeple in line.

nounverb911 October 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Can we sue Beck for breach of promise if he doesn't die?

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm

No, the true prophets of The LORD are never wrong — they're only misinterpreted. If Glenn survives this horrible affliction (most likely acute constipation, but we'll wait for the CAT scan) his followers should flagellate themselves for failure to correctly understand. Which will supersede whatever was the usual reason for flagellating themselves that day.

OCKerouac October 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm

I posit that Glenn's unintelligible weeping means one of the following:

1. Glenn is an alcoholic and needs a few weeks off to go to Passages Malibu. He's checking in to the Lohan suite.

2. Glenn likes to freebase Drano, and is all out of Drano. This makes him sad.

3. Glenn is an attention whore and took a cue from the 'get well' section of the Hallmark store and decided that people feeling bad for him will equal more listeners/followers

4. All of the above. For profit!

twogoats October 8, 2010 at 2:36 pm

He may not be a drunk. It is possible he merely exhibits all the common symptoms, grandiose self image, periods of morose depression, confused thinking, inability to articulate and "dark visions", of a sot.

JMPEsq October 8, 2010 at 3:48 pm

I don't think he's a drunk; being hyperactive, paranoid, easily angered, and hallucinating are all symptoms of cocaine addiction.

twogoats October 8, 2010 at 4:13 pm

As your pal Lindsay would attest, just because you are a coke freak doesn't mean you can't also abuse alcohol.

twogoats October 8, 2010 at 4:15 pm

And, also, as an esq, do you believe being committed to a rehab facility with Glenn and Lindsay would violate the cruel and unusual punishment provision of the Constitution? Assuming the Sixth Amendment has not yet been targeted for repeal.

JMPEsq October 8, 2010 at 4:45 pm

With Glenn yes, unless he was gagged; listening too him would be hell. Lindsay however still looks decent and will sleep with anything that moves, so as long as you were provided with protection that would be fine.

JMPEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm

His going to have a few tests is like when a musician cancels concerts for "exhaustion", a cover for going to rehab for his coke problem. Say hi to Lindsay for us, Glenn!

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Self-absorbed little prick is self-absorbed.

Limeylizzie October 8, 2010 at 3:12 pm

So beautifully put, Miss Katydid.

Lucidamente1 October 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Gotta take better care of those precious bodily fluids, Glenn.

GeoffPeterson October 8, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Seriously. Stick to rain water and grain alcohol.

lumpenprole October 8, 2010 at 5:15 pm

… and watch out for women. They want your essence, Glenn.

Extemporanus October 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm

He is turning into a beautiful, beautiful little butterfly more colorful and shimmery than a rhinestone double rainbow!

ManchuCandidate October 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm

You know he's in front of the mirror saying:

"You can't win, Osbamer. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. "

notreelyhelping October 8, 2010 at 2:27 pm

I think it's just as likely he's standing in front of his mirror and repeating, "You talkin' to me?"

PhilippePetain October 8, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Has Glenn been reading this great new objectivist author named Franz Kafka? I hear he has a lot of great things to say about the dangers of transmogrification. In fact, I can now see that his work is a metaphor for our county's obvious transformation into a totalitarian state!

I'M SEEING THE WORLD WITH NEW EYES GLENN.

FlownOver October 8, 2010 at 3:35 pm

As one might expect from the FockSnooze Staff Cockroach. Q.E. freakin' D.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 8, 2010 at 2:21 pm

You might not hear from me for a while; I’ll be busy in some graveyard digging a nice deep hole for Mr. Beck.

Monsieur Grumpe the Happy Grave Digger.

Extra bonus video also!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EJ5SJmsTFQ

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Also too, every time I now hear anything about that wad, I hear my father saying to me, "He doesn't know whether to shit or go blind." I never knew what that meant, but it somehow seems appropriate here.

OCKerouac October 8, 2010 at 2:24 pm

I too have always been curious about that phrase… What if I'd prefer to do neither right at the moment? Is that allowed?

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 2:29 pm

As far as I can tell, those are the options. Shit, or go blind. Personally, I'd shit.

Starfish October 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm

I prefer to buck all expectations, and shit blindly.

prommie October 8, 2010 at 2:58 pm

As for meaning, its worse, it describes a person who has no solution, no useful plan or course of action, and still cannot even choose between the failure options that are all he has. I bet he also doesn't know his ass from his elbow, and also, cannot distinguish it from a hole in the ground, and also, cannot find his asshole with both hands and a flashlight.

ShaveTheWhales October 8, 2010 at 3:44 pm

and he can't tell if it's asshole or breakfast.

OneDollarJuana October 8, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Or the flashlight IN his asshole.

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 3:00 pm

As long as you know it from Shinola.

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Are you my brother/sister? 'Cause that was one of my father's other favorites.

H Curve October 8, 2010 at 3:00 pm

If you were a Faux personality, there would be a third, OBVIOUS options: blindly shit out of your mouth, like Glen et co. Voila!

prommie October 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm

My father had a bunch of those kind of sayings, mostly with "shit" in them. There were some people that were "shitheels." Some people should go "shit up a rope." Some didn't know shit from shine-ola, others were shit-for-brains. A messy place was a shithole. And there was this thing called a "shitstick," I never saw one, but I heard about them, probably related to the "fuckstick." Was your dad from Bayonne? Thats where my dad was from, and I am thinking maybe its that.

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 3:22 pm

My dad was from de Bronx, and he said most of those things. He said he missed shit on a shingle from his Army days too. My dad was a laugh riot, if you like shit.

GeneralLerong October 8, 2010 at 4:49 pm

Then there's "a shit-pot full" of whatever commodity – commode-ity? – is under discussion.

samsuncle October 8, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Maybe Glen will just close one eye and fart.

prommie October 8, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Is "wad" short for "shitwad?" Or "dickwad?"

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 5:50 pm

Dick.

ShiftyParadigm October 8, 2010 at 4:35 pm

If one is so full of shit it is almost to one's eyeballs, one must either shit or go blind. Hence the expression.

I miss John Ciardi.

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 2:22 pm

This is Glenn Beck we're talking about, so a bit of translation is needed. Given that a Transformative Miraculous Healing of America's Soul = getting somewhere between 90-200 thousand people to show up on a Saturday to listen to speeches, "I'm dying" may mean that he has indigestion.

Swampgas_Man October 8, 2010 at 11:04 pm

Well, "I'm going blind" meant he's getting near-sighted and needs glasses, sooo. . .

MoeDeLawn October 8, 2010 at 2:22 pm

He's got the smooth radio-guy enunciation that seems to take him a level above Snowbilly or Xstine. But when you add the words up, it;'s a pile of the same stuff.

Ducksworthy October 8, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Go into the light Glenn. Go into the light.

bfstevie October 8, 2010 at 2:24 pm

If he wants us to pray for him shouldn't he be selling magic prayer cloths, along with gold and and those prostate health patent medicines?

imissopus October 8, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Who knew that constant paranoia might have an effect on your physical health?

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, The Man* come and take you away

*Jeebus

JMPEsq October 8, 2010 at 3:08 pm

But while I think he's cracking up,
Is Glenn paranoid,
Or is he just stoned?

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 3:02 pm

I am given to understand that paranoia will destroy ya.

prommie October 8, 2010 at 2:26 pm

This is the same reason the Roman Catholic church gives for why its priests all took to ass-raping every altarboy they could catch. You see, the mere existence in the world of liberal commie secular humanist atheist immoral nasty dirty sex-having dirty, dirty hippies, "infects" the whole world with their evil, and the next thing you know, the good people are either going numb, putting on two wetsuits and shoving a dildo up their ass, or having butt-slamming orgies with little kids at the retreat house. Its all our fault, people, don't you see it? We are causing this, the right thing to do, is kill ourselves, and rid the world of our evil, before they are forced to do it.

Ducksworthy October 8, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I figured it out. You're a Jesuitical Canon Lawyer aren't you? Of is it Cannon Lawyer? That would make sense too.

prommie October 8, 2010 at 2:51 pm

One out of three ain't bad.

LetUsBray October 8, 2010 at 4:45 pm

Being a Cannon Lawyer is an option? That's almost enough to make me wish I'd gone to law school.

GeneralLerong October 8, 2010 at 4:52 pm

You get to shoot off big things that go "boom" if you're a Cannon lawyer. It's one fun hell of a job.

slappypaddy September 8, 2010 at 2:05 pm

wait, i thought everybody was jewish, if you go back far enough.

slappypaddy October 8, 2010 at 4:08 pm

"We are causing this, the right thing to do, is kill ourselves"

you go first.

deelzebub October 8, 2010 at 2:26 pm

No one likes a tease, Glenn.

OneDollarJuana October 8, 2010 at 4:47 pm

Some people do. Oral Roberts once claimed that unless his viewers sent him $8 million immediately that "God would take him home". He got the money!

kenlayisalive October 9, 2010 at 10:41 pm

I lived down the street from where the 900-foot Jesus told him that.

Lord, Tulsa is a strange place.

PsycWench October 8, 2010 at 2:26 pm

I think I can identify his mental condition. Today I was reading student papers and one of them mentioned various techniques for managing "attention-defecation disorder". (I am NOT kidding) At the time I thought it was a typo but now I believe the student is on the cutting edge of psychology.

Steverino247 October 8, 2010 at 2:39 pm

See the "shit or go blind" entry above.

Lascauxcaveman October 8, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Kids say the darnedest things.

(But these days, they can blame it on spell check, which loves the words 'deficit' and 'defecation' equally, and casts no judgment upon their usage.)

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Is attention-defecation disorder when you pay too much or too little attention to your shit? 'Cause Glenn definitely has one of those.

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 3:04 pm

I had a student who wrote that her birth was a surprise because her mom had had "a tuba ligation."

PsycWench October 8, 2010 at 3:11 pm

A couple of years ago a student mentioned my favorite non-existent (or is it?) disorder: Post Dramatic Stress Disorder. Beck can cause that disorder.

DemmeFatale October 8, 2010 at 8:33 pm

One of my girls has that. (Come to think of it, we're waiting for the "Post" part.)

PsycWench October 9, 2010 at 8:53 am

My mom AND my daughter are drama queens so I'm the filling in a drama sandwich.

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 3:31 pm

O/T, this reminds me of the stupid things people put on insurance forms.

Sample:

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

gijoeice October 8, 2010 at 2:26 pm

And the only way to cure him is to buy more coins from Goldline!

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 2:27 pm

One morning, as Glenn Beck awoke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a hideous insect. He lay on his armored back, and if he lifted his head a little he could see his brown belly, slightly domed and divided by arches into stiff sections. The bedding was hardly able to cover it and seemed ready to slide off any moment. His many legs, pitifully thin compared with the size of the rest of him, waved about helplessly as he looked.

"Lookin' good!" he said to himself, "Time to get up and do the ol' radio show."

PhilippePetain October 8, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Great minds, DoktorZoom, great minds.

mavenmaven October 8, 2010 at 2:28 pm

I certainly hope this doesn't mean that we're going to have to hear for months about his new juicing and colonic regimen for health.

Ducksworthy October 8, 2010 at 2:28 pm

I'll bet Glennda pulled this weepy dying routine on his mother over and over all the time he was supposedly "growing up". Assuming he had a mother.

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Haven't you heard? He likes to say his mother killed herself when he was 14 or so, but the pleece say it isn't so. How surprising.

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm

To this day, Glenn has never denied raping and killing his own mother!

Native_of_SL_UT October 8, 2010 at 2:54 pm

You are so cruel and insensitive. Becks mother supposedly threw herself into a lake when he was young. (probably for the very reason you mentioned.)

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Glenn Beck's mind, cut loose from actual critical thinking and overly focused on finding conspiratorial connections with everything, has finally entered the downward spiral so often taken by someone-else-wrote-Shakespeare freaks, free energy tinkerers, psychic UFO contactees and opponents of masturbation. One can only hope the segment of the electorate who hangs on his every slatheringly idiotic pronouncement unhitch their wagons from his anvil before he takes them all down with them.

prommie October 8, 2010 at 3:06 pm

What about those who believe that the complete collapse of our economic system is imminent, which will quickly result in the breakdown of society and cannibal annarchy in a "road warrior" like scenario? Cause thats where my head is.

Boredw/Gravity October 8, 2010 at 3:32 pm

I rather hope that he takes the slathering idiots down with them. Their Rapture isn't happening fast enought for me.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2010 at 3:55 pm

…and 9/11-Inside-Jobbers, HIV-doesn't-cause-AIDS-ists, Don't-vaccinate-your-kids-cause-they'll-get-Autism-ites, Show-us-the-afterbirthers, Climate-change-mythologists, The-Holy-Grail-is-Jesus's-Grandkids-researchers…

Gopherit October 8, 2010 at 2:29 pm

As vague as the described symptoms are, it still sounds more than a little bit like ALS is a possibility. I am trying to decide what would be more insufferable: our current Glenn Beck announcing his miraculous cure from these horrible symptoms, and how it shows Jesus' Glenn-love, or Glenn Beck in a motorized wheelchair giving his goddamn lie-filled speeches in the style of Stephen Hawking.

metamarcisf October 8, 2010 at 2:44 pm

I feel a Krauthammer joke coming on…

Gopherit October 8, 2010 at 2:50 pm

He and Krauthammer could have races. Tricked out hoverounds. Blades on the wheels. Helmets. Goggles. I am getting myself excited.

SayItWithWookies October 8, 2010 at 3:04 pm

"I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world right now."
No Glenn — we are.

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Except Glen would make the announcement at Yankee Stadium on the anniversary of Lou Gehrig's speech, and his fans would demand that ALS be hitherto referred to as "Glenn Beck's Disease."

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 3:33 pm

But he would also announce that he had no idea that Lou Gehrig ever spoke in Yankee Stadium, and that it was just a coincidence, but that Glenn represented the ideals that Gehrig always stood for and is his natural successor.

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 4:26 pm

And the event would be called "Restoring the Pride of the Yankees"

DashboardBuddha October 8, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Please transform faster.

Rambone October 8, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Dibs! (on being the first to dance on his grave)

LetUsBray October 8, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Better get your dancing in quickly, before the port-a-pots are set up.

Come here a minute October 8, 2010 at 2:29 pm

It's a metaphor — like la petite mort. He's just jerking off during his radio show, like the witch from Delaware.

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Glenn Beck is Gregor Samsa in The Metamorphosis!!!!

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss your gold goodbye!

ThurmanMunster October 8, 2010 at 2:31 pm

No stem cells for you, crybaby.

wvfii October 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm

as much as i'd like to not hear from or about this deranged gasbag ever again, i fear that his legacy would be like a white pig-eyed teabagging version of tupac: a bunch of writings and recorded rantings collected and released posthumously. Saint Beck.

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Thank God and the Angel Moroni for Death Panels.

JMPEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:34 pm

If Beck's a Transformer, he'd be the treacherous, lying, power-hungry but cowardly Starscream.

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Give Glenn a break: There is nothing worse than detoxing after a big coke bender when your dealer hasn't come through with more shit.

VaWyo October 8, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Brigham Young

Steverino247 October 8, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Moronic–Of, or pertaining to, the Angel Moroni.

Tell the doctors to pull your head out of your ass when the Search for Toxins arrives at your colon, ok? (Hey, maybe it's Texans his doctors are looking for? Hmmm. Pull their heads out of their asses, too.)

JMPEsq October 8, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Maybe Beck has actually started reading gotten philosophical on us, and is simply contemplating his own mortality, for it is true that he is dying as we all are, from the minute we exit the womb; our eventual death is inevitable, as is that of everything, even the Earth, the stars and the universe itself, even black holes will eventually die. As every minute we live takes us one minute closer to our deaths, we are always dying, and Beck may have been pondering this fate.

Or he could just be an attention-seeking, self-important ass.

emberglance October 8, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Today's announcement says he's taking a leave of absence for two days next week due to medical problems in his hands and feet.

People, is it too much of a leap of faith to imagine that this deeply spiritual leader and thinker is developing… STIGMATA?

Jukesgrrl October 9, 2010 at 4:06 am

Didn't he reject Catholicism? Coming back to haunt him?

JustPixelz October 8, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Glenda.

JustPixelz October 8, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Isn't that what the scooters are for?

JoshuaNorton October 8, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Someone could use a few hits of propofol and a nap.

JustPixelz October 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm

'…toxins in his body"

That comes from watching Fox News. It's when anger mixes with stupid and cheese fries.

SudsMcKenzie October 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm

We are all equal in Michael Jackson's eyes, … here at the wonderland ranch.

cymchikster October 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Beck is referring to the physical, mental, and spiritual wounds from the Liberal Nazi Commies who want to tax the shit out of his paycheck.

So he wants us to PRAY HARD to strike down the L.N.C.s and force them to take his pain for themselves.

mrblifil October 8, 2010 at 3:44 pm

His internal polling must show that evangelicals and fundies hold him in suspicion, but would gladly invest in gold coins if they thought he was Jeebus-y enough. I look forward to his live televised public baptism in Lake Michigan, home of Capone-style Chicago-style politics (and deep dish pizza), screaming shit about Obama each time his head is dunked under.

DoubleFudge October 8, 2010 at 2:57 pm

What the hell did he say?

V572625694 October 8, 2010 at 2:57 pm

I'll volunteer to administer the colonoscopy. It's done with a sewer snake, right?

Radiotherapy October 8, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Wait, wasn't this douche nozzle just up in UhLAHskuh?
It could be hookworms.

OneDollarJuana October 8, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Having just had (yet another) colonoscopy, I can understand about putting the toxins in one's body. Unfortunately for Beck, even MoviPrep will not clean the shit of his soul.

zhubajie October 10, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Done with a chrome-plated pipe.

Minoritybabble October 8, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Dry drunk is dry drunk.

DoubleFudge October 8, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Geez. How many souls did you wound, Glenn?

bumfug October 8, 2010 at 3:00 pm

John Coffey from The Green Mile couldn't suck the disease and evil out of this sleazy shitheel.

OneYieldRegular October 8, 2010 at 3:00 pm

After years of being a child trapped in an adult's body, he's finally transforming back into his child body?

SudsMcKenzie October 8, 2010 at 3:01 pm

"Drinking the poison" … you mean breathing

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Perhaps he meant he had listen or watched his own show?

Gratuitous World October 8, 2010 at 3:07 pm

while i'm morally opposed to FEMA Internment Camps, I suggest "Patient #1"

SmutBoffin October 8, 2010 at 3:10 pm

OK WONKETTE PEOPLE YOU HAVE SPIRITUALLY WOUNDED GLANS BECK NOW HE IS SICK IN THE BALLSACK YOU FILTHY LIEBERAL ISLAMMUNISTS AND CHRIST-FELLATORS!!!!!

An_Outhouse October 8, 2010 at 3:11 pm

He's just craving the super duper happy pills he gets when he has ass surgery.

Rambone October 8, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Hopefully we'll find out whether he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 before he dies.

LionelHutzEsq October 8, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Glenn, to this day, still has never denied this sad event.

Sassomatic October 8, 2010 at 3:18 pm

This must be in one of the Carnivale episodes I haven's seen yet.

Terry October 8, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Bet you a nickel he has a bad case of hemmarhoids.

Gleem_McShineys October 8, 2010 at 5:20 pm

You misspelled "is"

VinnyThePooh October 8, 2010 at 3:27 pm

The toxins are from your chronic bedwetting, Beckerhead.

BrentKockman October 8, 2010 at 3:30 pm

"The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad. Oh, yeah. He's dying, I think. He hates all this. He hates it!"

Glen Beck is Colonel Kurtz!

chascates October 8, 2010 at 3:35 pm

I'll start stocking up on champagne!

sezme October 8, 2010 at 3:40 pm

"I would ask for your prayers for a desire … [long pause] … to continue to stand. I will… I would just like to want to…"

Well the boy clearly has a case of flaccitus of the boner. Crazy pills can have that effect on the libido.

mrblifil October 8, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Of course he's dying. It's called the passage of time. As of this point in the history of scientific inquiry, it remains intractably incurable.

Mindblank October 8, 2010 at 3:53 pm

I think I can speak for many people when I say that Glenn Beck's passing will leave the entire world a little smarter.

slappypaddy October 8, 2010 at 4:02 pm

is that a mickey mouse t-shirt? he's wearing a mickey mouse t-shirt, isn't he? dressed appropriately for the occasion.

Flat_Earther October 8, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Maybe the Westborough Baptist Church crowd will show up at his funeral.

Thedongsofwar October 8, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Maybe there is a God…

DemmeFatale October 8, 2010 at 8:55 pm

That's what I thought when Rush went deaf, but it didn't work out. (Dammit!)

Thedongsofwar October 9, 2010 at 8:36 am

No, there is a straightforward chemical reason why Rush is deaf.

Mort_Sinclair October 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm

What the hell is he babbling about? What a freakin' drama queen! He's like a butch Sarah Bernhardt without the talent. Get that man a fainting couch. Stat.

EatsBabyDingos October 8, 2010 at 5:02 pm

An anteater might have dripped anus juice in his Diet Coke. That'd be toxic. And funny!

GOPCrusher October 8, 2010 at 5:12 pm

The Martyr Syndrome is strong in this one. I can't wait for his minions to figure out that the vast left-wing conspiracy is slowly poisoning him to hide the truth from them.

kenlayisalive October 8, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Typical Democrats with the slowly poisoning.

When I voted for CHANGE, i expected the speedy poisoning of these motherfuckers.

But now I see how I was wrong.

BarackMyWorld October 8, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Just how much proof do they need before he's declared mentally ill and locks him up in a mental health facility?

BklynIlluminati October 8, 2010 at 5:27 pm

See I told you guys voodoo works

user-of-owls October 8, 2010 at 5:51 pm

any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

For every rule, there is an exception.

thx11380 October 8, 2010 at 5:57 pm

I'm still waiting for him to go blind. Is he flip flopping on that statement yet and saying it was all a big mistake and now the doctors mistook his dying thing for a blindness thing?

zhubajie October 8, 2010 at 7:12 pm

He will soon be outed as a Mormon Gay Polygamist, one of those sects you don't usually hear about.

Redhead October 8, 2010 at 8:47 pm

"is not a death, it is a transformation, it's a transcendence, it's reaching out of the mud and pulling yourself out."

So Beckers ran out of crack and is going through withdrawal?

chicken_thief October 8, 2010 at 9:00 pm

Jesus Christ how could anyone listen to a steady diet of that shit?! The next time I hear some teatard moaning and groaning about Obama's verbal pauses I'm going to make them listen to this self-absorbed cry baby….

And about those funny feelings in your hands and feet, Glenda – YOU MIGHT WANNA EXERCISE. Madonna has more freaking (albeit rather freakish) muscle definition than those pussy arms…

SaintRond October 9, 2010 at 9:43 am

He looks like a fucking mole rat queen. That can't be healthy.

DCHatesMe October 9, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Glenn Beck is dying .. so it's ok for Jack Steuf to hot-link pics from his site!

helenwiells October 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm

It sure looks to me like Mr. Beck is clumsily looking for a way off the stage with an "illness"…let's see…vocal chord something-or-other…yeah, that's it….or maybe an "anal charley-horse" like Dr. Oz was talking about the other day? I swear…

comrad_darkness October 9, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Wait, wait, I know the ending to this. He curls up and appears to die, gets covered in a white fuzz and then is reborn . . . as a butterfly!

Do I get a prize?

transfatz October 10, 2010 at 6:10 am

"OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck is dying!"

There is a God?

Kitty_Sanchez October 10, 2010 at 1:14 pm

This guy wants to start his own religion so bad he can taste it and feel it on his tongue and on the back of his throat and tickling his nose and lips and…

Flitzy October 10, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Ridiculous. Everyone knows Optimus Prime is Jewish.

HistoriCat October 11, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Different mental state, toxins in the body – I'm thinking he's ready to convert again. Scientology has its hooks in him now.

chickensmack October 12, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Maybe the part of him that's dying is the author.

x111e7thst October 8, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Simpler to pack his mouth with mud, then sew his lips shut.

ShaveTheWhales October 8, 2010 at 3:41 pm

You can't remove what isn't there.

prommie October 8, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Chicks don't shit, they "poop" and it smells like lavender. Thats what I have been told, anyway.

Katydid October 8, 2010 at 3:19 pm

We don't even poop; little singing birdies take away our waste products, in the night.

And we absolutely do NOT fart, until you marry us.

deanbooth October 8, 2010 at 3:39 pm

I vividly remember a high school friend telling me this many, many years ago. Must be true.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2010 at 3:44 pm

That's on the secret Disney Animators Party Reel of 1939.

Gleem_McShineys October 8, 2010 at 5:06 pm

"Did you wear a condom??"
"Yes…but only on my penis."

Jukesgrrl October 9, 2010 at 3:52 am

= bedbugs

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