Dying Glenn Beck Dying, Has Crackpot Theory About Him Dying

  cry about it some more

Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop Bananaphone!OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck is dying! At least we think so, as he is very cryptic about it. He got all teary and such on his radio show today, and while that’s pretty much an every-second occurrence for him, this time he seemed resigned to the fact that he will die, or something, soon. No, sorry, we heard that wrong: “What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because Mormons don’t actually die, they just transform, like in those Animorphs books. But the word “mentally” in that gives us pause, because maybe it just means Glenn Beck is finally realizing he should trust his doctors when they say he’s insane. Holy Shutter Islandz!

What is this theory? Someone injured his soul? What the hell is he talking about? Did Dana Milbank get in the Magic School Bus, drive into Glenn Beck’s body, and take home a piece of his soul?

“I have been drinking that poison,” Glenn Beck also said, after announcing that doctors were looking for toxins in his body. What?

Yeah, we’re gonna say Dana Milbank is murdering Glenn Beck. But Fox News is an equal-opportunity employer, so they will still pay Ghost Beck to host a show after he dies. No big deal! Don’t cry about it! Ghostbusters don’t exist, Glenn!

Or if Glenn Beck is not dying, he will probably get to hang out with Margaret Thatcher at the dementia palace, transforming at will into snakes and puppies and penguins. Still fun! [The Blaze]

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188 comments

    1. johnnymeatworth

      At least Evita could sing. I shudder to think what will happen the day Glenn Beck busts out with "Don't Cry For Me Argentina…."

      1. smrtmnky

        Instead of government we had a stage
        Instead of ideas, a prima donna's rage
        Instead of help we were given a crowd
        He didn't say much, but he said it loud

        1. Starfish

          Apologies in advance for the lack of snark, but…

          Did you know that, when the movie was made, Antonio Banderas barely spoke any English and learned his whole part phonetically?

          Dag, yo. Thass sum mad skillz.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Hypochondriac
      Hanging out at the Lincoln Memorial
      Where all the fat, white trashy blondes be at

  1. x111e7thst

    “I have been drinking that poison”. Given that Glenda is a Mormon that could mean anything from coffee to a cocktail of bull-sperm and vodka.

  2. gijoeice

    He probably drinks a cup of anti freeze every night specifically because of the government mandated label telling him not to. But then the government (and ACORN of course) found out about that and started putting TOXINS in his otherwise natural American anti freeze, So they could silence him and keep the sheeple in line.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      No, the true prophets of The LORD are never wrong — they're only misinterpreted. If Glenn survives this horrible affliction (most likely acute constipation, but we'll wait for the CAT scan) his followers should flagellate themselves for failure to correctly understand. Which will supersede whatever was the usual reason for flagellating themselves that day.

  3. OCKerouac

    I posit that Glenn's unintelligible weeping means one of the following:

    1. Glenn is an alcoholic and needs a few weeks off to go to Passages Malibu. He's checking in to the Lohan suite.

    2. Glenn likes to freebase Drano, and is all out of Drano. This makes him sad.

    3. Glenn is an attention whore and took a cue from the 'get well' section of the Hallmark store and decided that people feeling bad for him will equal more listeners/followers

    4. All of the above. For profit!

    1. twogoats

      He may not be a drunk. It is possible he merely exhibits all the common symptoms, grandiose self image, periods of morose depression, confused thinking, inability to articulate and "dark visions", of a sot.

      1. JMPEsq

        I don't think he's a drunk; being hyperactive, paranoid, easily angered, and hallucinating are all symptoms of cocaine addiction.

        1. twogoats

          As your pal Lindsay would attest, just because you are a coke freak doesn't mean you can't also abuse alcohol.

        2. twogoats

          And, also, as an esq, do you believe being committed to a rehab facility with Glenn and Lindsay would violate the cruel and unusual punishment provision of the Constitution? Assuming the Sixth Amendment has not yet been targeted for repeal.

          1. JMPEsq

            With Glenn yes, unless he was gagged; listening too him would be hell. Lindsay however still looks decent and will sleep with anything that moves, so as long as you were provided with protection that would be fine.

  4. JMPEsq

    His going to have a few tests is like when a musician cancels concerts for "exhaustion", a cover for going to rehab for his coke problem. Say hi to Lindsay for us, Glenn!

  5. Extemporanus

    He is turning into a beautiful, beautiful little butterfly more colorful and shimmery than a rhinestone double rainbow!

    1. notreelyhelping

      I think it's just as likely he's standing in front of his mirror and repeating, "You talkin' to me?"

  6. PhilippePetain

    Has Glenn been reading this great new objectivist author named Franz Kafka? I hear he has a lot of great things to say about the dangers of transmogrification. In fact, I can now see that his work is a metaphor for our county's obvious transformation into a totalitarian state!

    I'M SEEING THE WORLD WITH NEW EYES GLENN.

  7. Katydid

    Also too, every time I now hear anything about that wad, I hear my father saying to me, "He doesn't know whether to shit or go blind." I never knew what that meant, but it somehow seems appropriate here.

        1. prommie

          As for meaning, its worse, it describes a person who has no solution, no useful plan or course of action, and still cannot even choose between the failure options that are all he has. I bet he also doesn't know his ass from his elbow, and also, cannot distinguish it from a hole in the ground, and also, cannot find his asshole with both hands and a flashlight.

          1. prommie

            Chicks don't shit, they "poop" and it smells like lavender. Thats what I have been told, anyway.

          2. Katydid

            We don't even poop; little singing birdies take away our waste products, in the night.

            And we absolutely do NOT fart, until you marry us.

        2. H Curve

          If you were a Faux personality, there would be a third, OBVIOUS options: blindly shit out of your mouth, like Glen et co. Voila!

    1. prommie

      My father had a bunch of those kind of sayings, mostly with "shit" in them. There were some people that were "shitheels." Some people should go "shit up a rope." Some didn't know shit from shine-ola, others were shit-for-brains. A messy place was a shithole. And there was this thing called a "shitstick," I never saw one, but I heard about them, probably related to the "fuckstick." Was your dad from Bayonne? Thats where my dad was from, and I am thinking maybe its that.

      1. Katydid

        My dad was from de Bronx, and he said most of those things. He said he missed shit on a shingle from his Army days too. My dad was a laugh riot, if you like shit.

        1. GeneralLerong

          Then there's "a shit-pot full" of whatever commodity – commode-ity? – is under discussion.

    2. ShiftyParadigm

      If one is so full of shit it is almost to one's eyeballs, one must either shit or go blind. Hence the expression.

      I miss John Ciardi.

  8. DoktorZoom

    This is Glenn Beck we're talking about, so a bit of translation is needed. Given that a Transformative Miraculous Healing of America's Soul = getting somewhere between 90-200 thousand people to show up on a Saturday to listen to speeches, "I'm dying" may mean that he has indigestion.

  9. MoeDeLawn

    He's got the smooth radio-guy enunciation that seems to take him a level above Snowbilly or Xstine. But when you add the words up, it;'s a pile of the same stuff.

  10. bfstevie

    If he wants us to pray for him shouldn't he be selling magic prayer cloths, along with gold and and those prostate health patent medicines?

    1. Katydid

      Paranoia strikes deep
      Into your life it will creep
      It starts when you're always afraid
      You step out of line, The Man* come and take you away

      *Jeebus

  11. prommie

    This is the same reason the Roman Catholic church gives for why its priests all took to ass-raping every altarboy they could catch. You see, the mere existence in the world of liberal commie secular humanist atheist immoral nasty dirty sex-having dirty, dirty hippies, "infects" the whole world with their evil, and the next thing you know, the good people are either going numb, putting on two wetsuits and shoving a dildo up their ass, or having butt-slamming orgies with little kids at the retreat house. Its all our fault, people, don't you see it? We are causing this, the right thing to do, is kill ourselves, and rid the world of our evil, before they are forced to do it.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I figured it out. You're a Jesuitical Canon Lawyer aren't you? Of is it Cannon Lawyer? That would make sense too.

      1. LetUsBray

        Being a Cannon Lawyer is an option? That's almost enough to make me wish I'd gone to law school.

        1. GeneralLerong

          You get to shoot off big things that go "boom" if you're a Cannon lawyer. It's one fun hell of a job.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Some people do. Oral Roberts once claimed that unless his viewers sent him $8 million immediately that "God would take him home". He got the money!

  12. PsycWench

    I think I can identify his mental condition. Today I was reading student papers and one of them mentioned various techniques for managing "attention-defecation disorder". (I am NOT kidding) At the time I thought it was a typo but now I believe the student is on the cutting edge of psychology.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Kids say the darnedest things.

      (But these days, they can blame it on spell check, which loves the words 'deficit' and 'defecation' equally, and casts no judgment upon their usage.)

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      Is attention-defecation disorder when you pay too much or too little attention to your shit? 'Cause Glenn definitely has one of those.

    3. DoktorZoom

      I had a student who wrote that her birth was a surprise because her mom had had "a tuba ligation."

    4. PsycWench

      A couple of years ago a student mentioned my favorite non-existent (or is it?) disorder: Post Dramatic Stress Disorder. Beck can cause that disorder.

    5. Katydid

      O/T, this reminds me of the stupid things people put on insurance forms.

      Sample:

      The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

  13. DoktorZoom

    One morning, as Glenn Beck awoke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a hideous insect. He lay on his armored back, and if he lifted his head a little he could see his brown belly, slightly domed and divided by arches into stiff sections. The bedding was hardly able to cover it and seemed ready to slide off any moment. His many legs, pitifully thin compared with the size of the rest of him, waved about helplessly as he looked.

    "Lookin' good!" he said to himself, "Time to get up and do the ol' radio show."

  14. mavenmaven

    I certainly hope this doesn't mean that we're going to have to hear for months about his new juicing and colonic regimen for health.

  15. Ducksworthy

    I'll bet Glennda pulled this weepy dying routine on his mother over and over all the time he was supposedly "growing up". Assuming he had a mother.

    1. Katydid

      Haven't you heard? He likes to say his mother killed herself when he was 14 or so, but the pleece say it isn't so. How surprising.

    2. Native_of_SL_UT

      You are so cruel and insensitive. Becks mother supposedly threw herself into a lake when he was young. (probably for the very reason you mentioned.)

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Glenn Beck's mind, cut loose from actual critical thinking and overly focused on finding conspiratorial connections with everything, has finally entered the downward spiral so often taken by someone-else-wrote-Shakespeare freaks, free energy tinkerers, psychic UFO contactees and opponents of masturbation. One can only hope the segment of the electorate who hangs on his every slatheringly idiotic pronouncement unhitch their wagons from his anvil before he takes them all down with them.

    1. prommie

      What about those who believe that the complete collapse of our economic system is imminent, which will quickly result in the breakdown of society and cannibal annarchy in a "road warrior" like scenario? Cause thats where my head is.

    2. Boredw/Gravity

      I rather hope that he takes the slathering idiots down with them. Their Rapture isn't happening fast enought for me.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      …and 9/11-Inside-Jobbers, HIV-doesn't-cause-AIDS-ists, Don't-vaccinate-your-kids-cause-they'll-get-Autism-ites, Show-us-the-afterbirthers, Climate-change-mythologists, The-Holy-Grail-is-Jesus's-Grandkids-researchers…

  17. Gopherit

    As vague as the described symptoms are, it still sounds more than a little bit like ALS is a possibility. I am trying to decide what would be more insufferable: our current Glenn Beck announcing his miraculous cure from these horrible symptoms, and how it shows Jesus' Glenn-love, or Glenn Beck in a motorized wheelchair giving his goddamn lie-filled speeches in the style of Stephen Hawking.

      1. Gopherit

        He and Krauthammer could have races. Tricked out hoverounds. Blades on the wheels. Helmets. Goggles. I am getting myself excited.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Except Glen would make the announcement at Yankee Stadium on the anniversary of Lou Gehrig's speech, and his fans would demand that ALS be hitherto referred to as "Glenn Beck's Disease."

        1. LionelHutzEsq

          But he would also announce that he had no idea that Lou Gehrig ever spoke in Yankee Stadium, and that it was just a coincidence, but that Glenn represented the ideals that Gehrig always stood for and is his natural successor.

  18. Come here a minute

    It's a metaphor — like la petite mort. He's just jerking off during his radio show, like the witch from Delaware.

  19. LionelHutzEsq

    Glenn Beck is Gregor Samsa in The Metamorphosis!!!!

    You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss your gold goodbye!

  20. wvfii

    as much as i'd like to not hear from or about this deranged gasbag ever again, i fear that his legacy would be like a white pig-eyed teabagging version of tupac: a bunch of writings and recorded rantings collected and released posthumously. Saint Beck.

  21. LionelHutzEsq

    Give Glenn a break: There is nothing worse than detoxing after a big coke bender when your dealer hasn't come through with more shit.

  22. Steverino247

    Moronic–Of, or pertaining to, the Angel Moroni.

    Tell the doctors to pull your head out of your ass when the Search for Toxins arrives at your colon, ok? (Hey, maybe it's Texans his doctors are looking for? Hmmm. Pull their heads out of their asses, too.)

  23. JMPEsq

    Maybe Beck has actually started reading gotten philosophical on us, and is simply contemplating his own mortality, for it is true that he is dying as we all are, from the minute we exit the womb; our eventual death is inevitable, as is that of everything, even the Earth, the stars and the universe itself, even black holes will eventually die. As every minute we live takes us one minute closer to our deaths, we are always dying, and Beck may have been pondering this fate.

    Or he could just be an attention-seeking, self-important ass.

  24. emberglance

    Today's announcement says he's taking a leave of absence for two days next week due to medical problems in his hands and feet.

    People, is it too much of a leap of faith to imagine that this deeply spiritual leader and thinker is developing… STIGMATA?

  25. JustPixelz

    '…toxins in his body"

    That comes from watching Fox News. It's when anger mixes with stupid and cheese fries.

  26. cymchikster

    Beck is referring to the physical, mental, and spiritual wounds from the Liberal Nazi Commies who want to tax the shit out of his paycheck.

    So he wants us to PRAY HARD to strike down the L.N.C.s and force them to take his pain for themselves.

    1. mrblifil

      His internal polling must show that evangelicals and fundies hold him in suspicion, but would gladly invest in gold coins if they thought he was Jeebus-y enough. I look forward to his live televised public baptism in Lake Michigan, home of Capone-style Chicago-style politics (and deep dish pizza), screaming shit about Obama each time his head is dunked under.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Having just had (yet another) colonoscopy, I can understand about putting the toxins in one's body. Unfortunately for Beck, even MoviPrep will not clean the shit of his soul.

  27. bumfug

    John Coffey from The Green Mile couldn't suck the disease and evil out of this sleazy shitheel.

  28. OneYieldRegular

    After years of being a child trapped in an adult's body, he's finally transforming back into his child body?

  29. SmutBoffin

    OK WONKETTE PEOPLE YOU HAVE SPIRITUALLY WOUNDED GLANS BECK NOW HE IS SICK IN THE BALLSACK YOU FILTHY LIEBERAL ISLAMMUNISTS AND CHRIST-FELLATORS!!!!!

  30. BrentKockman

    "The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad. Oh, yeah. He's dying, I think. He hates all this. He hates it!"

    Glen Beck is Colonel Kurtz!

  31. sezme

    "I would ask for your prayers for a desire … [long pause] … to continue to stand. I will… I would just like to want to…"

    Well the boy clearly has a case of flaccitus of the boner. Crazy pills can have that effect on the libido.

  32. mrblifil

    Of course he's dying. It's called the passage of time. As of this point in the history of scientific inquiry, it remains intractably incurable.

  33. Mindblank

    I think I can speak for many people when I say that Glenn Beck's passing will leave the entire world a little smarter.

  34. slappypaddy

    is that a mickey mouse t-shirt? he's wearing a mickey mouse t-shirt, isn't he? dressed appropriately for the occasion.

  35. Mort_Sinclair

    What the hell is he babbling about? What a freakin' drama queen! He's like a butch Sarah Bernhardt without the talent. Get that man a fainting couch. Stat.

  36. EatsBabyDingos

    An anteater might have dripped anus juice in his Diet Coke. That'd be toxic. And funny!

  37. GOPCrusher

    The Martyr Syndrome is strong in this one. I can't wait for his minions to figure out that the vast left-wing conspiracy is slowly poisoning him to hide the truth from them.

    1. kenlayisalive

      Typical Democrats with the slowly poisoning.

      When I voted for CHANGE, i expected the speedy poisoning of these motherfuckers.

      But now I see how I was wrong.

  38. BarackMyWorld

    Just how much proof do they need before he's declared mentally ill and locks him up in a mental health facility?

  39. user-of-owls

    any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

    For every rule, there is an exception.

  40. thx11380

    I'm still waiting for him to go blind. Is he flip flopping on that statement yet and saying it was all a big mistake and now the doctors mistook his dying thing for a blindness thing?

  41. zhubajie

    He will soon be outed as a Mormon Gay Polygamist, one of those sects you don't usually hear about.

  42. Redhead

    "is not a death, it is a transformation, it's a transcendence, it's reaching out of the mud and pulling yourself out."

    So Beckers ran out of crack and is going through withdrawal?

  43. chicken_thief

    Jesus Christ how could anyone listen to a steady diet of that shit?! The next time I hear some teatard moaning and groaning about Obama's verbal pauses I'm going to make them listen to this self-absorbed cry baby….

    And about those funny feelings in your hands and feet, Glenda – YOU MIGHT WANNA EXERCISE. Madonna has more freaking (albeit rather freakish) muscle definition than those pussy arms…

  44. helenwiells

    It sure looks to me like Mr. Beck is clumsily looking for a way off the stage with an "illness"…let's see…vocal chord something-or-other…yeah, that's it….or maybe an "anal charley-horse" like Dr. Oz was talking about the other day? I swear…

  45. comrad_darkness

    Wait, wait, I know the ending to this. He curls up and appears to die, gets covered in a white fuzz and then is reborn . . . as a butterfly!

    Do I get a prize?

  46. Kitty_Sanchez

    This guy wants to start his own religion so bad he can taste it and feel it on his tongue and on the back of his throat and tickling his nose and lips and…

  47. HistoriCat

    Different mental state, toxins in the body – I'm thinking he's ready to convert again. Scientology has its hooks in him now.

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