This smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers was just bitching so loudly because the escalator at the Shaw metro stop was “broken” yesterday. He was a grown man eating a candy bar, which is against The Subway Rules in the first place, and his too-pretty-for-him girlfriend was in those weird ballet shoes with the Neverending Story medallions on them. (Why is this a thing now?) She nodded her head in taut agreement when he said the outage was “ridiculous,” and you could tell theirs was one of those relationships with a severe pleasure imbalance in the bedroom.
It wasn’t the first time I’ve heard that sort of whining either. I’ve seen DC residents of all kinds — maybe even you! — get totally up in arms about this supposed scourge of non-working escalators. The Express, that thing you do Sudoku in and then throw in the garbage next to your desk, even had a cover story about the broken escalator problem a few months back. What? Hey, doofs, listen in: There’s no such thing as a “broken” escalator, because a broken escalator is called “stairs.” Ever heard of stairs?
I’m from Arizona, where people will only stop devouring cheese enchiladas and getting DUIs to rant about sending away the “Messicans,” so I’m quite familiar with the depths of grossness to which human beings can sink. But this is some next-level shit, and it speaks to a much bigger problem. That is, if you complain because you have to walk up and down stairs in order to access a clean, efficient, cheap, reliable, major public transportation network, you’re a jerk, and you shouldn’t be in a city. Jerks enter the train before anyone’s had a chance to get off. Jerks keep Great Danes as big as ponies in their walkup apartments even though that freaking dog needs an acre of land at least to feel sane. Jerks don’t stop talking on the phone while interacting with people in the service industry. Jerks act as if the whole world is theirs, which just doesn’t gibe with being crammed on top of one another in a major city.
All you jerks should quit bellyaching and move to some flyover grassland where everything is flat and quiet and normal-looking and convenient. You can drive your car places and, if you choose your home and restaurants carefully, you’ll never have to go up a flight of stairs again. Then, at night, you can masturbate to people’s vacation pics on Facebook before crying and going to bed, like the jerk you are.
I should have seen this sort of thing coming when all the toilets started flushing themselves. Are we truly so slothful and disgusting that our engineers must build robots to flush away our waste? Even common cats try to cover their turds when they’ve done their business. But not us, boy. Not us. We are too tired from complaining about the escalator.
Cord Jefferson’s column usually appears Thursdays on Wonkette, unless he turns it in late because he’s too busy doing a stripper pole dance on the Metro while calling everybody “jerks.” Also he is always on the Twitter.
{ 69 comments }
What, you want me to wash my hands too? Sheeesh. Fucking hygene nazis.
"his too-pretty-for-him girlfriend"
A guy in DC dating out of his league? Say it isn't so!!
At least on the escalators around here, we also need someone to pound into people's heads that some of us walk up/down them to go faster, so don't stand in the middle or two people abreast so that you take up the entire step, fatass.
I shared your article with a friend of mine who lives in DC, and her response was "Cord Jefferson needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP. The escalators DO NOT WORK AND I HATE IT".
So, I guess you're spot on.
Update: You are the biggest idiot ever and she is going to murder you.
More update: I'm just going to copy/paste the conversation.
"this is definitely a person who has never stood in line for 25 minutes after an hour long metro ride because the escalators are always broken and close off, so 1000 people have to use one
and you can only go one way
because everyone else is rushing down
oh my gosh
i literally want to kick this person so hard that his intestines rupture
this person
this has made me angrier than anything this week"
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I learned long ago you just have to let it go. If you get irritated by the Metro and fellow passengers, you are going to be on blood pressure meds in a week. Just ask yourself, does this really matter? It is worth getting this upset about? The answer is always no unless you are bleeding out and the Metro is your only way to get to the hospital to save yourself. Seriously. Just chill.
DC people are obese, overdressed, and overstressed fatsos who walk very slowly and chew with their mouths open. Dumb dumb dumb, chewin' yr gum. They can't merge on the freeway, can't share space on the sidewalk, and can't be bothered to hike up a flight of stairs (clogging the elevator for people in wheelchairs who have no other choice, like assholes). Pillowbiters.
Overheard in DC:
"Waitin' in line and walkin' up stairs is hard, y'all! It just gets me all gut-kicky! Where's Cord?"
–Yvonne Hyperbolinski
Has anyone considered that these 'broken' escalators are DC's version of population control? Keep the DOWN escalators working, and shut off the UP escalators. Those of us smart/fit enough to walk up a flight of stairs will enjoy the fabulous life of a surface dweller, while the angry and confused will be forced to build a new subterranean society of the stupid and lazy. Riding metro stop after metro stop in search of candy bars and working escalators.
HG Wells DID try to warn us after all…
I use Metro all the time during peak hours, and the broken escalators aren't that big of a deal. Most of the stations have stairways in addition to the escalators, and multiple exits. I'm assuming the 25 minute wait comment is hyperbolic.
Hey – I like walking up stairs. Broken DC escalators are no stairs.
I kinda get what your friend is saying here. DC Metro overpaid for some ancient machinery years and years ago, and has spent the remaining 20 years "servicing them" to the annoyance of (and at a high cost to) the commuting populous. DC also has some of the longest escalators in the world. That causes them to have really skewed height to depth ratios. (Anyone who's ever jogged up a broken escalator and tripped when the toe of your foot hit the top of the next step, knows what I mean. http://www.ilo.org/safework_bookshelf/english?ima… And like your friend said, hundred of people are also rushing down the opposite side.
Once non-operational, escalators are dangerous, clunky and waste of money. Every time I see one I think – DC Metro should have just put in stairs in the first fucking place. Then, they wouldn't have to hear all the bitchin' — they could continue to throw good money at their aging and useless infrastructure in peace.
Pleats and those medallion shoes at the Shaw metro stop? Were they lost?
And when he finds a working escalator he stands next to his girlfriend on the same step, blocking traffic. Although that's still better than him stopping at the top and turning around to see if she's still there.
A true bigshot pauses on the escalator to check the Blackberry, grateful that the nation survived those awful 10 minutes when he was out of touch.
Yes! Stand right, walk left is the unwritten rule for every public transport system I've been on. I sort of assume the people who violate that rule come from the suburbs and never use public transit.
I dunno, I've shunned escalators and run up stairs as my hatred of waiting for someone else to move their oblivious fat ginormous ass out of my fucking way is greater than my laziness.
The way I look at is this. One day we're going to be running for our lives in the zombie apocalypse and if it boils down to a race between you and me to outrun the zombies, I'd (selfishly) prefer that the winner be me. I don't need to out run zombies as I just need to out run you. So thanks escalator crybabies for making my zombie survival strategy easier.
Yeah, what you said!
(Sorry, headache today, can't think of anything funny or snarky)
Rule # 1: Cardio
I work at Rosslyn. I walk the escalator briskly every day. Let me tell you, it is ass-beneficial.
For two years I lived in Rosslyn and walked up those escalators every night. I loved the people who would run to catch the elevator because they were in a rush (to Chipotle?)
Yes! I see the stairs as a benefit. Part of it is my personality, though. I have tried to stand still and feel as if I am going to go crazy after about a minute.
Oh, and auto-flush toilets are the devil. (Opus knew this. They were his bete noire).
And auto-flush toilets are the reason Bevis and Butthead missed their bus to Vegas.
Agreed. Especially the part about the auto-flush toilets. Those things are disgusting the way they always flush and spray your ass before you're up and off the seat. When I'm ready to flush, I'll use my foot to maintain hygiene thank you very much. Then I'll open the stall door with my foot too. For hygiene.
What, and waste valuable foot tapping time?
Utilizing the foot for flushing is also an excellent strategy for masking unnecessary use of the handicapper's stall. Makes you look like you only gots the one good leg.
Roscoe-san's "Shitting Crane" technique is unstoppable.
The subway stations here are the equivalent of about two floors underground. They've been slowly installing elevators in them, one station at a time, which are supposed to be for disabled people; but the vast majority of the time I see them used it's some lazy fatass who just can't be bothered with a few stairs. Hey, if even that tiny bit of physical exertion is too much for you, it's no wonder you're so damn fat; it's only one step removed from a Hoverround.
I couldn't find a picture of the girlfriend.
You know what is totally NOT a big deal? When all of the elevators at Dupont Circle are out, and it's above 90 degrees and you're dressed in a suit.
Seriously, fuck you, it's a big deal when certain escalators are out.
Also, Great Danes are good apartment dogs. Because of their big bones and size they actually can't get too active… it's tough on them and it's bad for their joints. Like making fat people climb an escalator.
L3GS=L13B3RAL1SM … F33T=C0MMUN1SM!
"Some smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers….."
Jerk.
Between the pleats and those medallion shoes, I think they must have been lost. Either that or they were dragged out from Ballston by friends who assured them that they were just going to a place in "East Georgetown."
The thing about escalators is that if they break, they become stairs. The should put a sign on it saying, "sorry for convenience!"
Ah Mitch…we miss you.
I was awaiting the inevitable Hedberg.
He was the Swiss army knife of comics.
Oh drat. I repeated that down below. Thought I scanned to make sure no one else had.
As JMP mentioned, I believe that the whole point of escalators originally was simply to speed up the process, not replace moving your own fat ass entirely.
And I couldn't agree more with Cord in regards to the stupid flushie-flush toilets. The things have just compounded (or created) the problem–at this point, if one is broken, people don't bother flushing it at all…Really? We're THAT LAZY? We can't hit the little button on top?
And of course, the latest thing–automobiles with self-engaging turn signals. Because it's so so hard to push that stalk up or down.
Siiiigh. Such is life in the Land of Lard.
Look — we didn't kill that communist bastard Saddam just so that we'd have to walk up stairs. This is America, for God's sake! Now if we could just get rid of all those damn sidewalks and bike lanes so that we could fit in more parking spaces …
Yep. I've heard that Danes and Mastiffs, (and Greyhounds!), are major couch potatoes. My Yorkie mix probably expends more energy and needs more exercise!
Dupont Circle and Friendship Heights are some seriously deep stations. Bitching about tourists at those stops, dawdling on the escalators is totally justified.
"Jerks enter the train before anyone’s had a chance to get off.
These are the folks I'll be bringing to the death panels. I don't understand how it is that these tools haven't all been beheaded in revolving door mishaps.
They should be sentenced to a year in Tokyo. The subway etiquette there is so regimented, I think they send people who breach it to North Korea.
…we are so fucked…
…All you jerks should quit bellyaching and move to some flyover grassland where everything is flat and quiet and normal-looking and convenient….
The folks who live in these sorts of places may be heavily armed and don't warm up to people shouting at them. just sayin'.
Pffft. These are some seriously over-privileged complaints. Riding the NYC subway, I'm just grateful if I make it out alive. If nobody pushes me onto the path of an oncoming train, I count that as a good day.
What about a platoon of singing, proselytizing clowns?
This is from yesterday's Gawker. Scroll through the comments for weird pics.
Real clowns need to represent. Jesus clowns got nothing on real clowns.
Cord Jefferson: bringing Nicholson Baker's The Mezzanine into the twenty-first century.
" toilets started flushing themselves."
What is this "flushing" you speak of?
More importantly, I was in DC while Clinton was Prez and the escalators didn't work then either. Why do the Demoncrats hate escalation so much? Repubicans aren't afraid to escalate things — impeachment, death panels, he's a socialist, "if you raise the marginal rate by 1/2% I'll rip your fucking head off and piss down your throat". Demoncrats are more like, "majority rule is only a suggestion…"
People are assholes. All of us.
P.S. Wyoming has no escalators. Still plenty of assholes, though.
I would move there in a minute if my job let me. My fantasy. Seriously. Politics are not worse than VA, and in fact are better, since they really are libertarians there (versus professed ones who actually want to regulate and prohibit people's sex lives, beliefs in global warming, etc etc). Give me a nice little house in Jackson, and I could be happy.
Someone had a rough commute this morning, eh?
The "Subway Rules"? “Good night you Princes of Jared, you kings of Mayonnaise."
I'm currently in the Middle East where I wish toilets would flush themselves. Bidet-monsters here spray water everywhere but their asses. I'd like to see that fat fuck make it here for a day.
The truly creepy part about DC is the fact that half of everyone is a federal employeee, with the urine tests and everything. Blew my west coast mind away.
That's why everyone gets high on delicious legal booze.
I live in Boise, Idaho and what is a "SUBWAY"?
I live in Iowa. We drive 50 miles to the next town to the Subway. They have those sammichs that Jared fellow tells us about on that TeeVee thingy.
I like the robot toilets because I just hate people who don't flush. It's a "this is why we can't have nice things" solution.
As the name implies, I need all the broken escalators I can find.
If you think this is "bad service," I would love to see these whiners last one minute in the NYC subway system… or worse yet, the Boston "T."
Just repair the dang escalator.
Why did they have to go and build the subways underground anyway? That's the root of the problem.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience,
(I'm shocked no one said that yet. Where are the Mitch Hedberg fans?)
The persons responsible for that auto-flush toilet ought to be given fabulous prizes and carried around on a cheering crowd's shoulders as their dedicated mode of transport, same as the persons responsible for daylight saving time ought to be rounded up and puked on by a bunch of vultures.
Now, while the time changing sucks pretty much everything else Ben Franklin did was awesome so you should forgive him that one thing.
DST is the greatest thing about this country. No joke. I guess you like sitting in the dark all evening year round. Cutting in to your "fap to vacation photos on Facebook" time?
I'm glad that I'm not the only one who is mystified by those weird be-medallioned ballet flats.
Ok, look. I've dealt for years with parents who have mobility issues. Having an escalator crap out means that some people cannot physically get up the stairs. They're not lazy or obese — they're disabled. I've gotten stuck in a subway with a disabled parent, who had to inch up, step-by-step to get out of the station (meanwhile, checking my urge-to-kill genes at the assholes behind me who were demanding to know what the hold up was and why can't we go faster — it wasn't Metro and there was no elevator). Yes, some people are astonishingly lazy but some people may have problems you can't see: The dude in front of you may have a knee brace on under his suit or a bad disc in his back that make stairs a challenge. We're not all 22 year old sprinters on the Metro and showing dismay at a busted escalator does not automatically make you a jerk.
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