Bristol Palin’s Music Video Even Worse Than Levi’s Somehow

by Jack Stuef

This is what she looked like and was doing when she caught Levi's eye, we guess.It is ABSOLUTELY IMMORAL that Levi Johnston would trade on his Palin fame by appearing in a music video. That family’s life is private and should not be exploited for money. What’s that? Teenage girls’ anti-abortion hero and Dancing with the Stars personality Bristol Palin is appearing in a music video also? Well good for her! Except that this is the most dreadful thing we’ve ever seen. For some reason it’s filmed in an Alaska “ice hotel” and Bristol is wearing some sort of Stevie Nicks witch costume. And also she is groping a giant ice dildo with a rose encased in it, because that is how you win an MTV video trophy for “Best Original Ice Dildo.” You can watch Bristol cast a spell on you with more of her amazing acting skillz after the jump!

“A mother nature role.” Yes, certainly. This video is just so full of symbolism, unlike Levi’s video, which was crass and didn’t include any subliminal ice dildos. This is officially Dildoctober, we guess. Three things make a trend, etc.

The band is from Alaska and is EXCELLENT. Just look at the bio on their website:

Lead singer Jared Navarre met lead guitarist Josh Witham in the fall of 2005 and it wasn’t long before they discovered the creative synergy between their dynamic musical backgrounds. Jared’s voice was formed by the diverse sounds of Incubus, Foo Fighters, and Boys2Men, while Josh’s favorite acts included Metallica & Rage Against the Machine. After finding drummer Dennis Smith in 2007, Static Cycle was finally complete.

Wow, what a voice! Those are all the best bands!

Yes, standing around smoking a cigar in the Alaskan wilderness is 'rock and roll' and 'pimpin''

They even have Alaska’s Black Guy! This was a very good business decision by this public-speaking teenage mother. Making Mom proud. [Entertainment Tonight]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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smrtmnky October 7, 2010 at 5:53 pm

eff off. please.

Neilist October 7, 2010 at 5:55 pm

Jack, you Communist Liberal Pinko SCUM:

That's her MOTHER's dildo, you Morron. I mean, look at the diameter of the thing.

[Reminds me of the punch line: Help me find my car keys, and we can drive out of here.]

[Right. Asshole. Got it.]

weejee October 7, 2010 at 8:34 pm

Had to give an up thumb to my favorite asshole.

Native_of_SL_UT October 7, 2010 at 5:56 pm

If Sarah sees that hat from her house, she will think that the Russian invasion has finally started.

Extemporanus October 7, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Or that Bristol's Halloween costume this year is meant to evoke her miraculous birth from Mama Grizzly's furry merkin.

mavenmaven October 7, 2010 at 5:57 pm

what the world needed most was clearly a bad linkin park knockoff from alaska.
And if she didn't get what her stroking the ice dildo over the rose would evoke, well, she must be a Palin.

Lucidamente1 October 7, 2010 at 5:57 pm

I guess Static Cycle is a better name than their original choice, Skipped Menstrual Cycle.

Extemporanus October 7, 2010 at 6:17 pm

They were gonna go with Excercise Bike until they realized that none of their potential fans would know what one was.

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2010 at 7:21 pm

That's too bad because I heard their first album was going to be called Broken Typewriter.

OhHellToTheNo October 8, 2010 at 5:23 am

I heard they were in a beef with Snow Birth Control Patrol.

Besides, your cycle is static during the 9 months you're pregnant.

kenlayisalive October 7, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Hey, that's a pretty cool glass display case Bristol. Maybe if you take it to the Santorum's place, they can put their dried up fetus-child in there. At least the dog won't be able to get at it anymore.

BornInATrailer October 7, 2010 at 5:59 pm

Why is she dressed like Ivana Humpalot or some James Bond Russian spy/seductress character?

Gleem_McShineys October 7, 2010 at 8:44 pm

Sheesh! Don't you recognize a "mother nature role" when you see it?? It couldn't be any clearer to me if it was a giant transparent rose-scented penoidical mystery box!

CapnFatback October 7, 2010 at 6:01 pm

Ice dildos are for ice holes.

Extemporanus October 7, 2010 at 6:29 pm

Ice hole ice dildos are more commonly known in the frigid jizz biz as "assicles".

(Kudildos on your "ice hole" beating my "ice hole" by thismuch, ice hole!)

CapnFatback October 7, 2010 at 6:38 pm

And the same to you for "assicles," you hoar.

Extemporanus October 7, 2010 at 6:01 pm

Way to rock the Wasillafro, ice hole!

bumfug October 7, 2010 at 6:02 pm

As a proud mom, Bristol should have told them that they could either use Downy or any one of a hundred Cling Free-type sheets for that "static cycle."

CalamityJames October 7, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Is "Downy" supposed to be some sort of Trig-joke?

sherriawilson October 7, 2010 at 6:03 pm

Oh sure, cause everyone knows Mother Nature loves to drape herself in dead animal skins…

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 7:03 pm

One thing for sure is that Mother Nature does not give a damn about animal-on-animal crime.

Rarian Rakista October 7, 2010 at 7:05 pm

Are you saying that Buffalo Bill wasn't a damn fine looking lady dressed up in all those girl's skins?

weejee October 7, 2010 at 9:33 pm

As they say, "the caribou pellet doesn't fall far from from the Caribou Barbie."

Rambone October 7, 2010 at 6:03 pm

"Dildo" would make an excellent name for the Palin-spawn!

Ken Layne October 7, 2010 at 6:05 pm

Give it a few months, I'm sure they'll get to it.

mavenmaven October 7, 2010 at 6:09 pm

It would have to be Dilld or Dildow to be consistent

deelzebub October 7, 2010 at 6:04 pm

She better take off that bear suit she's wearing before her mom accidentally shoots her ass.

kittylittr October 7, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Why is that cow wearing a fur coat?

MsElla October 7, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Oh, Bristol.

She's the type who would get Merry Christmas tattooed on one thigh and Happy New Year on the other and invite every man she meets to pop in between the holidays.

Cat_Damon October 7, 2010 at 6:10 pm

$10,000-per-event speaking circuit discussing the virtues of abstinence, as a direct result of being knocked up as a teen? Check.

Dancing With The Stars, because, really, why the hell not? Check.

Appearing in "music" "video" (probably) as a retaliation to Levi's Chris Isaak-induced black and white porno? Check.

Yep, she was almost a (let's face reality here) first daughter.

Jerri October 7, 2010 at 6:10 pm

Should have named it S†a†ic Cÿclë.

And what of the musical influences of their drummer? Surely he must have some.

Further, The Little Prince weeps for this mess.

Finally: hahahahahaha jesus christ.

In summary: Shit Cycle.

Extemporanus October 7, 2010 at 6:51 pm

Judging by the backwards 'C', I'm guessing Ashley "DemmeFatale" Todd designed their logo.

natoslug October 7, 2010 at 6:11 pm

Alaska winters are hard on a girl. It's only October and she's rocking her December blubber.

PocketsTheClown October 7, 2010 at 6:47 pm

Oh you made me snort, forehead very red right now

realmurkin October 7, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Yeah, she looks like some sort of Russian-themed Cabbage Patch kid at this point.

natoslug October 8, 2010 at 11:19 am

Garbage Patch Kid would be a closer fit.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 7, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Good career move Static Cycle. Nothing says download our music like Palin in a bear suit carrying a giant clear dildo.
Might I suggest changing the name of the band?
How about…
Douche Bagly and the Pink Bidets
The Retards
Dildo Buggers
Snowbilly Grifter

DCHatesMe October 7, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Pop Cycles
Jared and 2 Other Douches
The Frozen Wastes
The Methosphere

xzargo October 7, 2010 at 11:42 pm

Oozing Noodle
The Baklavas
Orly Taitz and the Creamhorns
Sperm Cycle
Wonderlust Roadrunner

SayItWithWookies October 7, 2010 at 6:13 pm

It's a long way down from Dancing with the Stars to Pouting with the Nobodies. Unless you're not a star and can't dance.

TanzbodenKoenig October 7, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Damnit only a Palin can make money by selling out her name/fame! Levi, you jerk!

PhilippePetain October 7, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Why are these stupid idiot bands always hanging out in the mountains or some shit just cold "checking things out" and then one guy is always, like, looking directly into the camera like daring us to ask this question?

hooray4anything October 7, 2010 at 7:56 pm

I'm assuming that at one point in the video, the guitarist will do a solo on a mountain peak by himself

LionelHutzEsq October 7, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Conservatives don't take to people doing a solo all by themselves.

PhilippePetain October 8, 2010 at 12:09 pm

With an unplugged guitar, á la Slash in November Rain.

jtinks October 7, 2010 at 8:00 pm

I'm pretty sure they used to be called Faith Plus One.

PhilippePetain October 8, 2010 at 12:10 pm

They should have gone with Talent Equals Zero.

June_Cleaver2.0 October 7, 2010 at 6:20 pm

They aren't even embarrassed at how terrible they are at being moms. I can see Bristol now, pulling up throw pillows on the sofa, "Where the hell is that kid…" Piper, have you seen…!!"
Gross moms, both of them.

slappypaddy October 7, 2010 at 6:21 pm

more proof, as if any were needed, that americans will sell anything and they will buy anything.

she looks lost, sedated, and — omg, she looks like hillary clinton.

MagicCookie October 7, 2010 at 6:21 pm


Darklady October 7, 2010 at 6:23 pm

This is brilliant!

If Bristol shows this video when she's out talking about what a bummer it is to get pregnant when you're not married and provides this as an example of the desperation she feels, there won't be a wet thigh in the house.

Won't somebody think about Bristol?

chascates October 7, 2010 at 6:29 pm

One bad choice naturally follows another.

hagajim October 7, 2010 at 6:29 pm


Crank_Tango October 7, 2010 at 6:33 pm

So I am not sure why, but I am picking up on some kind of elton john connection here…that Nikita costume, the "rose" in a "glass dildo"…I dunno, work with me here.

natoslug October 7, 2010 at 6:39 pm

I seem to remember a Marilyn Monroe anthem . . . "Bristol's Ankles in the Wind" or some such.

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 6:34 pm

Three things make a trend? Hell, three of anything is a wholegoddman special issue of Time. "The Dildoes of October: Can This Be Our Sexual Future?"

rocktonsam October 7, 2010 at 6:43 pm

any more than 3 things and Esquire has dibs.

nappyduggs October 7, 2010 at 6:49 pm

Mmmhmm. Looks like the brotha is smoking a Philly. Man, living in fucking Alaska, being in a band formed in Alaska, having had consorted with a Palin- I dunno, it seems like that blunt should be about the size of that ice dildo.

bravo_sierra October 7, 2010 at 6:53 pm

Is it me or does the guy on the right look a lot like Levi? I'm willing to concede that "Levi" could well be one of just six or seven looks an Alaska man could have.

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 7:20 pm

Here are some of the others:

Also, why didn't they ask the only hot babe in Wasilla? Duh. They really must be freezing their nuts off.

OneYieldRegular October 7, 2010 at 6:53 pm

My name is John McCain, Senator of Senators;
Look on my works, Ye Mighty, and despair!

SudsMckenzie October 7, 2010 at 6:58 pm

So why would she …., ohhh, .. Which one is she Bangin?

XOhioan October 7, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Needs more reindeer nose dildo.

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 7:12 pm

That band jpg looks like a promo for CSI: Alaska. Surely the assorted spawnings of the Palins would require some high-tech forensics. Too bad it's America's only crime lab without the benefit of rape kits, as I hear that's kind of the state sport up there.

Rarian Rakista October 7, 2010 at 8:33 pm

If it is man raping a bear, I say that is some seriously manly hunting. If it is a woman raping a bear, I'm even more impressed.

GeneralLerong October 7, 2010 at 7:16 pm

Has anyone actually
1) watched more than 15 seconds of this
2) without puking up a sock?

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2010 at 7:20 pm

Breaking news! Sarah Palin and Meg Whittman are going to start a band called, SPIN CYCLE

Sassomatic October 7, 2010 at 7:25 pm

That looks like a Turkish rock video. Oh, hold on, the Turks are Muslim . . .

MiniMencken October 7, 2010 at 7:27 pm

Well, I guess she's lost the PETA vote now.

fuflans October 7, 2010 at 7:29 pm

I am nostalgic for paris, nicole and lilo. At least there was fashion.

OkieDokieDog October 7, 2010 at 7:50 pm

I hate anything that has "synergy". Wtf?

MadBrahms October 7, 2010 at 8:04 pm

Synergy! Dynamic! Diverse! Fuck, even Will.I.Am would be appalled. Is this a NuMetal band or the guys QualiTemps hires to play their Christmas party?

elfgoldsackring October 7, 2010 at 8:17 pm

So, the dude on ice in the funerally bit – did he piss off the mother of the bear/human hybrid chick? Look out Levi!

x111e7thst October 7, 2010 at 8:23 pm

Spastic Cycle Guys – why don't you go down to the all you can eat buffet and just stay there, eating anus-burgers, until you are too fat to move without scooters. This will be a far more productive and fulfilling employment of your time than whatever it is you were doing in that video.
As for you young Tits. I think you should have another kid. This will increase your value on the abstinence lecture circuit.

WALLYPIP October 7, 2010 at 8:25 pm

She can see Russia from there.

I johmp een eet!

Mort_Sinclair October 7, 2010 at 8:25 pm

Okay, that girl is as dumb as a box of rocks. And she looks so natural clutching that phallic "crystal"–what the hell is that supposed to be?

As someone who spends a lot of time in a high school, lemme tell ya exactly who she is: she's the dumbfuck mean girl who likes country music, Anglo Jesus, and bad boys but is uncomfortable washing "down there" if the skin of her fingers has to touch her genitalia. She's an "ass crack" girl when she bends over. Worse, she thinks she's cute and charming.

Rarian Rakista October 7, 2010 at 8:30 pm

Dildo is not large enough and spray tanned orange.

Bartender recently told me about the time she took a douchebag home and when she pulled down his pants, she discovered he had an orange penis which she said looked like a sad carrot, she couldn't stop laughing and he shortly left crying.

weejee October 7, 2010 at 8:32 pm

her amazing acting skillz

Given her grifter pedigree, shouldn't that be "acting shills"?

PublicLuxury October 7, 2010 at 8:34 pm

If a palin is making money off of it… then don't do it. You have to know that if theSarah Simpleton's clan is involved, it is tasteless, crude and for profit.

SecretMuslin October 7, 2010 at 8:40 pm

If your musical influences are Boys2Men and Incubus you might be a deaf asshole from Wasilla.

iburl October 7, 2010 at 8:42 pm

That band sounds like a mix between Boyz2Men, Color Me Badd and Dildonica.

LionelHutzEsq October 7, 2010 at 8:52 pm

Perhaps Witchcraft is taking the place of dressing up as fat revolutionaries as street cred for Conservatives?

finallyhappy October 7, 2010 at 9:24 pm

Off topic- I went to the Obama/Team maryland rally at Bowie State. Two LaRouche guys showed up but w/o their hitler/Obama posters. Guess they didn't have the balls to do their stuff at an HBCU in PG county. The guys had some wordy sign about some bill but they closed up and pretty early. The President told me to say hi to all of you- or after standing for 41/2 hours I thought that is what he said.

Blendergoathead October 7, 2010 at 9:43 pm

Fuck. My friend just caught me laughing at the computer, so I had to explain the entire "Levi Johnston" video thing. Now my friend demands to see it.

I hate you people.

iburl October 7, 2010 at 9:47 pm

Wow, Maddow is getting seriously 'bagged tonite!

NorthStarSpanx October 7, 2010 at 9:48 pm

Oh lord, the way she's caressing that rosebud. . .can a block of ice pay child support? Oh right, Levi does. . .

loquacioustunes October 7, 2010 at 9:50 pm

Or you could just watch this music video, which is basically the same thing.

chicken_thief October 7, 2010 at 10:37 pm

Pretty much the same….except Fleetwood Mac sold 28 million records and nobody ever heard of the Wasilla Wannabee Trio. And Stevie Nicks was eminently fuckable and Bristol….. ain't so much….

seppdecker October 7, 2010 at 11:13 pm

I was thinking more of "Without You" by Van Halen from 12 years ago. Congrats, Static Cycle! When you're ripping off Gary Cherone-led Van Halen, you're going pretty obscure.

NorthStarSpanx October 7, 2010 at 10:09 pm

Awesome, Chena Hot Springs has a super awesome Ice Hotel!

The big hand of government refuses to let them allow guests to rent the rooms overnight for lame fire code reasons or whatnot, but for a New York minute you can screw like minks on the furred queen sized beds.

elpinche October 7, 2010 at 10:42 pm

Ew ! Not when they're caked with Levi's dried up baby miracle whip.

elpinche October 7, 2010 at 10:15 pm

good lord….you win the night.

elpinche October 7, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Speaking of fellating ice dildos, why is the lame streem mediduh continuously cramming Palins and Johnstons down our throats?

elpinche October 7, 2010 at 10:24 pm

Static cycle…I guess Wasillans name their bands after things they know: meth labs and and laundromats.

What___No___ October 7, 2010 at 11:14 pm

I told the kids it was just Dancing With Miss Piggy; now they look forward to it.

Jukesgrrl October 7, 2010 at 11:28 pm

Has Johnny Zhivago found his Lara?

Also, too: Someone please ask Tom Morello what he thinks about this band that RATM has "inspired." Arm the Homeless in Alaska?

SmutBoffin October 7, 2010 at 11:40 pm
DaSandman October 7, 2010 at 11:29 pm

She's so cold she's so goddam cold …

realmurkin October 8, 2010 at 12:06 am

I think what bothers me most about this is that Bristol apparently has no idea how to make facial expressions. It's unsettling as fuck.

Veritas78 October 8, 2010 at 12:50 am

I am billing Wonkette for 44 seconds of my life. Warning: I am not cheap.

elpinche October 8, 2010 at 1:53 am

That band is shit compared to Commander (if you recall Rand Paul's KKK buddy and former aide):

OhHellToTheNo October 8, 2010 at 5:24 am

Man, this band couldn't make a hit if they were hunting helpless animals with a high-powered automatic rifle from a helicopter.

Mindblank October 8, 2010 at 9:28 am

Youtubo delenda est!

Steverino247 October 8, 2010 at 9:45 am

I've seen better mothers in a CPS caseload than Sarah and Bristol.

Boredw/Gravity October 8, 2010 at 9:52 am

Bristol doesn't have Snooki's class and self-restraint.

OCKerouac October 8, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Just to be fair, I once had my iPod paying too loudly in northern Washington and was *almost* voted 'Best Band in Alaska' as a result…

transfatz October 9, 2010 at 1:59 am

Look at the size of that thing!
Maybe you should have had a C-section Bristol.

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