with a special cameo by christine o'donnell on a broom

Bristol Palin’s Music Video Even Worse Than Levi’s Somehow

This is what she looked like and was doing when she caught Levi's eye, we guess.It is ABSOLUTELY IMMORAL that Levi Johnston would trade on his Palin fame by appearing in a music video. That family’s life is private and should not be exploited for money. What’s that? Teenage girls’ anti-abortion hero and Dancing with the Stars personality Bristol Palin is appearing in a music video also? Well good for her! Except that this is the most dreadful thing we’ve ever seen. For some reason it’s filmed in an Alaska “ice hotel” and Bristol is wearing some sort of Stevie Nicks witch costume. And also she is groping a giant ice dildo with a rose encased in it, because that is how you win an MTV video trophy for “Best Original Ice Dildo.” You can watch Bristol cast a spell on you with more of her amazing acting skillz after the jump!

“A mother nature role.” Yes, certainly. This video is just so full of symbolism, unlike Levi’s video, which was crass and didn’t include any subliminal ice dildos. This is officially Dildoctober, we guess. Three things make a trend, etc.

The band is from Alaska and is EXCELLENT. Just look at the bio on their website:

Lead singer Jared Navarre met lead guitarist Josh Witham in the fall of 2005 and it wasn’t long before they discovered the creative synergy between their dynamic musical backgrounds. Jared’s voice was formed by the diverse sounds of Incubus, Foo Fighters, and Boys2Men, while Josh’s favorite acts included Metallica & Rage Against the Machine. After finding drummer Dennis Smith in 2007, Static Cycle was finally complete.

Wow, what a voice! Those are all the best bands!

Yes, standing around smoking a cigar in the Alaskan wilderness is 'rock and roll' and 'pimpin''

They even have Alaska’s Black Guy! This was a very good business decision by this public-speaking teenage mother. Making Mom proud. [Entertainment Tonight]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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107 comments

  1. Neilist

    Jack, you Communist Liberal Pinko SCUM:

    That's her MOTHER's dildo, you Morron. I mean, look at the diameter of the thing.

    [Reminds me of the punch line: Help me find my car keys, and we can drive out of here.]

    [Right. Asshole. Got it.]

  2. Native_of_SL_UT

    If Sarah sees that hat from her house, she will think that the Russian invasion has finally started.

    1. Extemporanus

      Or that Bristol's Halloween costume this year is meant to evoke her miraculous birth from Mama Grizzly's furry merkin.

  3. mavenmaven

    what the world needed most was clearly a bad linkin park knockoff from alaska.
    And if she didn't get what her stroking the ice dildo over the rose would evoke, well, she must be a Palin.

  4. Lucidamente1

    I guess Static Cycle is a better name than their original choice, Skipped Menstrual Cycle.

    1. Extemporanus

      They were gonna go with Excercise Bike until they realized that none of their potential fans would know what one was.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      That's too bad because I heard their first album was going to be called Broken Typewriter.

    3. OhHellToTheNo

      I heard they were in a beef with Snow Birth Control Patrol.

      Besides, your cycle is static during the 9 months you're pregnant.

  5. kenlayisalive

    Hey, that's a pretty cool glass display case Bristol. Maybe if you take it to the Santorum's place, they can put their dried up fetus-child in there. At least the dog won't be able to get at it anymore.

  6. BornInATrailer

    Why is she dressed like Ivana Humpalot or some James Bond Russian spy/seductress character?

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      Sheesh! Don't you recognize a "mother nature role" when you see it?? It couldn't be any clearer to me if it was a giant transparent rose-scented penoidical mystery box!

    1. Extemporanus

      Ice hole ice dildos are more commonly known in the frigid jizz biz as "assicles".

      (Kudildos on your "ice hole" beating my "ice hole" by thismuch, ice hole!)

  7. bumfug

    As a proud mom, Bristol should have told them that they could either use Downy or any one of a hundred Cling Free-type sheets for that "static cycle."

  8. sherriawilson

    Oh sure, cause everyone knows Mother Nature loves to drape herself in dead animal skins…

    1. Chet Kincaid

      One thing for sure is that Mother Nature does not give a damn about animal-on-animal crime.

  9. deelzebub

    She better take off that bear suit she's wearing before her mom accidentally shoots her ass.

  10. MsElla

    Oh, Bristol.

    She's the type who would get Merry Christmas tattooed on one thigh and Happy New Year on the other and invite every man she meets to pop in between the holidays.

  11. Cat_Damon

    $10,000-per-event speaking circuit discussing the virtues of abstinence, as a direct result of being knocked up as a teen? Check.

    Dancing With The Stars, because, really, why the hell not? Check.

    Appearing in "music" "video" (probably) as a retaliation to Levi's Chris Isaak-induced black and white porno? Check.

    Yep, she was almost a (let's face reality here) first daughter.

  12. Jerri

    Should have named it S†a†ic Cÿclë.

    And what of the musical influences of their drummer? Surely he must have some.

    Further, The Little Prince weeps for this mess.

    Finally: hahahahahaha jesus christ.

    In summary: Shit Cycle.

    1. Extemporanus

      Judging by the backwards 'C', I'm guessing Ashley "DemmeFatale" Todd designed their logo.

  13. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Good career move Static Cycle. Nothing says download our music like Palin in a bear suit carrying a giant clear dildo.
    Might I suggest changing the name of the band?
    How about…
    Douche Bagly and the Pink Bidets
    The Retards
    Dildo Buggers
    Snowbilly Grifter

  14. SayItWithWookies

    It's a long way down from Dancing with the Stars to Pouting with the Nobodies. Unless you're not a star and can't dance.

  15. PhilippePetain

    Why are these stupid idiot bands always hanging out in the mountains or some shit just cold "checking things out" and then one guy is always, like, looking directly into the camera like daring us to ask this question?

    1. hooray4anything

      I'm assuming that at one point in the video, the guitarist will do a solo on a mountain peak by himself

  16. June_Cleaver2.0

    They aren't even embarrassed at how terrible they are at being moms. I can see Bristol now, pulling up throw pillows on the sofa, "Where the hell is that kid…" Piper, have you seen…!!"
    Gross moms, both of them.

  17. slappypaddy

    more proof, as if any were needed, that americans will sell anything and they will buy anything.

    she looks lost, sedated, and — omg, she looks like hillary clinton.

  18. Darklady

    This is brilliant!

    If Bristol shows this video when she's out talking about what a bummer it is to get pregnant when you're not married and provides this as an example of the desperation she feels, there won't be a wet thigh in the house.

    Won't somebody think about Bristol?

  19. Crank_Tango

    So I am not sure why, but I am picking up on some kind of elton john connection here…that Nikita costume, the "rose" in a "glass dildo"…I dunno, work with me here.

    1. natoslug

      I seem to remember a Marilyn Monroe anthem . . . "Bristol's Ankles in the Wind" or some such.

  20. V572625694

    Three things make a trend? Hell, three of anything is a wholegoddman special issue of Time. "The Dildoes of October: Can This Be Our Sexual Future?"

  21. nappyduggs

    Mmmhmm. Looks like the brotha is smoking a Philly. Man, living in fucking Alaska, being in a band formed in Alaska, having had consorted with a Palin- I dunno, it seems like that blunt should be about the size of that ice dildo.

  22. bravo_sierra

    Is it me or does the guy on the right look a lot like Levi? I'm willing to concede that "Levi" could well be one of just six or seven looks an Alaska man could have.

  23. OneYieldRegular

    My name is John McCain, Senator of Senators;
    Look on my works, Ye Mighty, and despair!

  24. Chet Kincaid

    That band jpg looks like a promo for CSI: Alaska. Surely the assorted spawnings of the Palins would require some high-tech forensics. Too bad it's America's only crime lab without the benefit of rape kits, as I hear that's kind of the state sport up there.

  25. GeneralLerong

    Has anyone actually
    1) watched more than 15 seconds of this
    2) without puking up a sock?

  26. DashboardBuddha

    Breaking news! Sarah Palin and Meg Whittman are going to start a band called, SPIN CYCLE

  27. MadBrahms

    Synergy! Dynamic! Diverse! Fuck, even Will.I.Am would be appalled. Is this a NuMetal band or the guys QualiTemps hires to play their Christmas party?

  28. elfgoldsackring

    So, the dude on ice in the funerally bit – did he piss off the mother of the bear/human hybrid chick? Look out Levi!

  29. x111e7thst

    Spastic Cycle Guys – why don't you go down to the all you can eat buffet and just stay there, eating anus-burgers, until you are too fat to move without scooters. This will be a far more productive and fulfilling employment of your time than whatever it is you were doing in that video.
    As for you young Tits. I think you should have another kid. This will increase your value on the abstinence lecture circuit.

  30. Mort_Sinclair

    Okay, that girl is as dumb as a box of rocks. And she looks so natural clutching that phallic "crystal"–what the hell is that supposed to be?

    As someone who spends a lot of time in a high school, lemme tell ya exactly who she is: she's the dumbfuck mean girl who likes country music, Anglo Jesus, and bad boys but is uncomfortable washing "down there" if the skin of her fingers has to touch her genitalia. She's an "ass crack" girl when she bends over. Worse, she thinks she's cute and charming.

  31. Rarian Rakista

    Dildo is not large enough and spray tanned orange.

    Bartender recently told me about the time she took a douchebag home and when she pulled down his pants, she discovered he had an orange penis which she said looked like a sad carrot, she couldn't stop laughing and he shortly left crying.

  32. PublicLuxury

    If a palin is making money off of it… then don't do it. You have to know that if theSarah Simpleton's clan is involved, it is tasteless, crude and for profit.

  33. SecretMuslin

    If your musical influences are Boys2Men and Incubus you might be a deaf asshole from Wasilla.

  34. LionelHutzEsq

    Perhaps Witchcraft is taking the place of dressing up as fat revolutionaries as street cred for Conservatives?

  35. finallyhappy

    Off topic- I went to the Obama/Team maryland rally at Bowie State. Two LaRouche guys showed up but w/o their hitler/Obama posters. Guess they didn't have the balls to do their stuff at an HBCU in PG county. The guys had some wordy sign about some bill but they closed up and pretty early. The President told me to say hi to all of you- or after standing for 41/2 hours I thought that is what he said.

  36. Blendergoathead

    Fuck. My friend just caught me laughing at the computer, so I had to explain the entire "Levi Johnston" video thing. Now my friend demands to see it.

    I hate you people.

  37. NorthStarSpanx

    Oh lord, the way she's caressing that rosebud. . .can a block of ice pay child support? Oh right, Levi does. . .

    1. chicken_thief

      Pretty much the same….except Fleetwood Mac sold 28 million records and nobody ever heard of the Wasilla Wannabee Trio. And Stevie Nicks was eminently fuckable and Bristol….. ain't so much….

      1. seppdecker

        I was thinking more of "Without You" by Van Halen from 12 years ago. Congrats, Static Cycle! When you're ripping off Gary Cherone-led Van Halen, you're going pretty obscure.

  38. NorthStarSpanx

    Awesome, Chena Hot Springs has a super awesome Ice Hotel!

    The big hand of government refuses to let them allow guests to rent the rooms overnight for lame fire code reasons or whatnot, but for a New York minute you can screw like minks on the furred queen sized beds.

  39. elpinche

    Speaking of fellating ice dildos, why is the lame streem mediduh continuously cramming Palins and Johnstons down our throats?

  40. elpinche

    Static cycle…I guess Wasillans name their bands after things they know: meth labs and and laundromats.

  41. Jukesgrrl

    Has Johnny Zhivago found his Lara?

    Also, too: Someone please ask Tom Morello what he thinks about this band that RATM has "inspired." Arm the Homeless in Alaska?

  42. realmurkin

    I think what bothers me most about this is that Bristol apparently has no idea how to make facial expressions. It's unsettling as fuck.

  43. OhHellToTheNo

    Man, this band couldn't make a hit if they were hunting helpless animals with a high-powered automatic rifle from a helicopter.

Comments are closed.