• May 26, 2012

Fat Old Couple Has ‘Mobility Scooter Fight’ At the Wendy’s Again

by Ken Layne  

Uhh:

GREENSBURG, Pa. — An argument at a Greensburg Wendy’s forced several customers to leave the restaurant when a woman began chasing her husband around in her personal mobility scooter, police said.

When the police showed up, they cited the slobs for causing a ruckus. “With it being night out and cars pulling in and out of the parking lot, it created somewhat of a dangerous condition between that and it being physically offensive for the people in the restaurant,” state trooper Steven Limani told Channel 11.

The man and woman are “regulars” at the anus-burger chain’s location across from the old mall in Greensburg, and they have “caused problems there before.” [Channel 11]

{ 72 comments }

Blinky3Eyes October 7, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Are we just making fun of anybody in a scooter now? I mean, I'm sure the folks involved were all wearing their Tea Party Patriots sweaters/pins/bumper stickers (on their scooters) but the article doesn't mention it or anything.

Wonkette, your top destination for political satire and disability humor!

Kidneys4Sale October 7, 2010 at 2:20 pm

DELETE MY ACCT KOS!

Blinky3Eyes October 7, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Yeah, this young account is almost certainly going to see the banhammer for that one. Have mercy, Ken!

DoctorAwesomus October 7, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Are we just making fun of anybody in a scooter now?

Yes. Now get with the fucking program.

JMPEsq October 7, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Personally Karen I am SHOCKED that you isolated those in scooters into your political views when you do not even know someones politcal views Which this year has been turmoil in many peoples hearts I never discuss politics as everyone knows it is the Golden Rule but this infuriated me about the scooter people with the lardbottoms that can not drive them etc
FYI-when I go to museums Disney world large museums European tours many times i take my scooter that mind you I paid for myself NOT THE GOVERNment

Ken Layne October 7, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Did you read the fucking article? Did anything stand out, anything curious at all? You know, like maybe ALL OF THIS?

According to police, Jerome and Darlene Kilian, of Greensburg, were arguing about car keys when the woman began chasing her husband in and out of the restaurant on her scooter.

At one point witnesses said Jerome Kilian hid behind a neighborhing business to get away.

The couple refused to leave, so restaurant employees called police, the police report said.

When police arrived, they said the Kilians were arguing in the parking lot. Both were cited on disorderly conduct charges.

So, to answer your question, "No, we are not 'just making fun of anybody in a scooter now.' But we sure as fuck will be making fun of married people chasing each other around a Wendy's hamburger stand until the police come."

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Oh, just cop to it, man. It was because of the scooter.

Lascauxcaveman October 7, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Also, if Wonkette ever wanted to embed obnoxious auto-play sound files on any of its posts, "Yakkety Sax" would be a good one for this post.

DoctorAwesomus October 7, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Ken why is your P so low. The Koreans have a drug for that.

glamourdammerung October 7, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Another crying jag about how mean we are since we mock morons too lazy to walk? Just what we needed.

I am being sarcastic in case that was not obvious.

Native_of_SL_UT October 7, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Can you not see that this post is not making fun of anyone. This is like a Norman Rockwell painting of a slice of Americana-2010 style.

DoktorZoom October 8, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Dear god, I would love to see a Rockwell-style painting of this episode. Does that guy who did the Jebus-and-Constitution painting take commissions?

not that Dewey October 9, 2010 at 1:07 pm

It could be the Fifth Freedom — Freedom From Tranny

donner_froh October 7, 2010 at 6:46 pm

There was a time when we weren't?

SimonGirty October 7, 2010 at 7:22 pm

They're from frigging Greensburg, PA. for heaven's sake! They've never seen a LIVING black guy, never heard of the Boston Tea Party and are still awaiting that puffed-up little dope growing faggot, George Washington flintlock in paw… guarding their stills. When 'Dawn of the Dead' was being filmed nearby, nobody had to clean-up the half eaten brains. And the extras wore their own blood-stained coveralls…

Noonan_ October 7, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Hey now, I grew up in Greensburg and I'll have you know that in my high school class of 280, we had like 9 or 10 black kids. Living black kids even.

Sparky_McGruff October 7, 2010 at 11:48 pm

Are you sure they weren't white kids that were covered in coal dust? Cuz I seen that in the mooovie pitchurs.

XOhioan October 8, 2010 at 11:46 am

People disabled by injury or disease ride in motorized wheelchairs. The only disability consistently associated with these scooters is morbid obesity. Are we making fun of morbidly obese people who refuse to walk? Yes.

SayItWithWookies October 7, 2010 at 2:19 pm

This kind of mayhem could be prevented if only people were allowed to bring their guns to Wendy's.

Gopherit October 7, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Too bad they didn't have hi-res security cam footage. This would make an excellent ad for Hoveround.

JMPEsq October 7, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Hey now, Wendy's does have the best burgers of all the national chains; granted that's by default, but "least sucky" is still an accomplishment of sorts.

CapnFatback October 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm

What are the odds that Darlene ordered herself up a "Triple"?

JMPEsq October 7, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Better still, the triple Baconator.

jus_wonderin October 7, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Wouldn't that tip the scooter forward? I bet instead she got three singles with three visits to the register. Or, drove up to the drive through. Got a single. Ate it as she circled the building. Repeat.

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2010 at 8:00 pm

Triple Baconator – you know…I bet we have a president with that name some day.

HistoriCat October 8, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Who do you think preceded President Camacho?

GOPCrusher October 8, 2010 at 3:55 pm

My heart stopped one day, just looking at the picture of one of those.

Rarian Rakista October 7, 2010 at 6:14 pm

Better than Carl's JR? Given I live in Portland, Oregon and I don't eat fast food, but in the 1990's Carl's was way better than Wendy''s.

petehammer October 7, 2010 at 7:36 pm

"Given I live in Portland, Oregon and I don't eat fast food…"

(falsetto): Hip-ster!

Rarian Rakista October 7, 2010 at 8:23 pm

I worked in fast food about 10 years ago during my undergrad days and now the smell just makes me nauseous. The worst is Taco Bell.

JMPEsq October 8, 2010 at 12:09 am

I said the best NATIONAL chain; regional chains don't count.

obfuscator2 October 7, 2010 at 2:22 pm

i demand that this incident be depicted as a saturday evening post cover.

imissopus October 7, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Perhaps we could hold a seance and contact the spirit of Norman Rockwell.

nappyduggs October 7, 2010 at 6:26 pm

In reference to both the original comment and imissopus's reply, this is our new "American Gothic", you know. The pictures of the lean, hungry salt of the earth folk that Dorothea Lange photographed and Grant Wood painted have been summarily replaced with gravy-stained, snaggle-toothed, "do I need to buy another ticket for my fupa to take this a-here Greyhound?", gross-O trolls, who in many cases have eaten themselves out of the ability to fucking walk. Christ. I guess this is what passes for "quaint" nowadays.

imissopus October 7, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Timmy!

teebob2000 October 7, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Do what now?

Troubledog October 7, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Gratuitous World October 7, 2010 at 2:30 pm

ATTN: RNC WV Casting.

SexySmurf October 7, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Worst idea for a Hoveround commercial ever.

Troubledog October 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

BILLY MAYS HERE. Are you mobility challenged and unable to properly kick ass and take names? Has your husband taken refuge behind a neighboring business, thwarting your hot pursuit? Do curbs, planting beds, and rough terrain stop you from chasing down your quarry?

Well, I'm here from the grave to turn your frown upside down! Fleeing fast food patrons, spouses, illegals crossing the border and the elderly cannot hide from you after you install your new Hoverround 4×4 lift kit – NOW with infrared for night pursuits!

Rarian Rakista October 7, 2010 at 6:16 pm

I've actually seen one with a gun rack on it in Arizona. Can we just give that land back to Mexico?

Whatever October 8, 2010 at 1:08 pm

THAT. IS. AWESOME!!!!
How much $?$ and where can I get one?

Crank_Tango October 9, 2010 at 10:27 pm

Too soon!

Limeylizzie October 7, 2010 at 2:44 pm

I agree with this statement wholeheartedly "physically offensive for the people in the restaurant,” state trooper Steven Limani told Channel 11.I find all teabaggers physically offensive, fat or not, disabled, or not….um actually those last two things are a given .

MadBrahms October 7, 2010 at 2:47 pm

I eagerly await the day when these scooters are totally mad-maxed out, for freedom, with chainsaws and bits of rusty metal bolted on to the sides.

Gleem_McShineys October 7, 2010 at 3:18 pm

"There has been too much violence, too much pain.
None here are without sin.
But I have an honorable compromise.
Just walk away.
Give me the keys
the anusburgers
the fizzy corn syrup
and the whole government, and I'll spare your lives.
Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the Teabag Wasteland.
Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror."

Monsieur_Grumpe October 7, 2010 at 8:10 pm

Robot Wars with people?
You is a genius.

Whatever October 8, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Oh Yeah

nounverb911 October 7, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Maybe they should have just "Cow Tipped" each other.

LetUsBray October 7, 2010 at 5:17 pm

Ooo! Ooo! I have a great idea for a new reality show: "America's Best Sccoter Demolition Derbies" – premiering after the Super Bowl on Fox!

skizdi October 7, 2010 at 3:28 pm

OMG. OH MY GOD. This is my hometown. Literally. The town I grew up in. The town I spent like 18 years of my life in. I HAVE BEEN TO THIS WENDY'S SO MANY TIMES.

Never saw anyone in a mobility scooter "causing problems" though.

mavenmaven October 7, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Now if only folks like that were allowed to carry rifles, "riding shotgun" on their scooters and shooting at each other like a slow motion drive by. That would make a great youtube video, aside from the innocent casualties.

One_who_wanders October 7, 2010 at 4:54 pm

If I become scooter bound I want a machine gun mounted on the steering unit so I can have scooter fights like WWII dog-fights.

mavenmaven October 7, 2010 at 5:46 pm

those guys like their machine guns rear mounted, if you know what i mean…

One_who_wanders October 7, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Well this is all fine and dandy but have you seen the YouTube of the guy on the scooter and the elevator? Hmmmmn? I'll wait. Now that is scooter rage.

SteveMcCroskey October 7, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Needs more Yackety Sax.

Rotundo_ October 7, 2010 at 5:04 pm

This is a case where a taser would have been a real win: Juice them, strip them and send them down main street nekkid as the day they were born strapped snugly to the scooter with the throttle turned up to eleven. Bet they wouldn't disrupt that Wendy's again. It would cause untold numbers of fender benders and puke stained interiors, but the benefit to society would be orders of magnitude greater than the damages.

lochnessmonster October 7, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Maybe if the management banned them because of their bad behavior, they'd lose weight and she wouldn't need the scooter anymore.

Zvi_Bleindmeis October 7, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Uh, you know how bars and liquor stores are kept in business by hopelessly alcoholic regular customers? I kinda think that buffet restaurants and fast food franchises are the same way. Scooterbound lardasses may be their bread and butter (and deep fried battered potato products, etc.).

Rarian Rakista October 7, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Old man starved to death one winter in my apartment complex in the late 1980's in rural Oregon when they took away his driver's license, he had been eating at McDonald's for like 30 years after his wife died. He had 100's of thousands of dollars in the bank.

x111e7thst October 7, 2010 at 6:57 pm

Local pizza and or chinese food places did not deliver?
Oh the humanity!

Whatever October 8, 2010 at 1:11 pm

LOL, now that's Funny

transfatz October 7, 2010 at 6:41 pm

This is not about disability.
Everybody knows that Kilians are from the planet Kill. Turns out they were arguing over the flying saucer keys again after consuming mass quantities. They have since returned to the mothership "Teabag" where their scooters have been confiscated by the Grand Palinator. They are back to dragging their gigantic nuclei sacs around with their flabby pseudopods until it's Wendy's night next week.
So that lets Ken off the hook.

JD_Hogg October 7, 2010 at 8:08 pm

The scooter vs. the elevator — next stop, the basement! Going down…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMzz5xNwTRg

AutomaticPilot October 7, 2010 at 8:22 pm

If Wendy's delicious anus burgers are wrong, I don't want to be right!

SecretMuslin October 7, 2010 at 9:11 pm

I can understand this level of rage if one is fighting for a KFC Double Down. But speeding death scooters for Wendy's?!? Never.

Redhead October 7, 2010 at 9:41 pm

Come on Ken. Are you SURE you didn't pull this one off the Onion's website?

PublicLuxury October 7, 2010 at 10:05 pm

Are they on Food Stamps? They should have their diets forcibly changed. The square burgers are making them mean. They need a healthy diet handed to them by republiscum.

housbinfarteen October 8, 2010 at 11:13 am

Rascal Races

Slapwow October 8, 2010 at 10:35 pm

They're Hungry Angry Hippos!

Hungry, Angry, Demented, Sad, Fucktard Hippos!

kvetch October 9, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Seinfeld episode 1, season 9 – The Butter Shave. Scooter chase scene.

PuckStopsHere October 10, 2010 at 10:29 pm

Skoal Rebel in a Hoveround. I EAGERLY await the day.

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