Washington’s most depraved Media Elitists gathered together last night for Karaoke in the Capital, which was hosted by Bob Schieffer and also raised money for a Good Cause. Wonkabout Princess Arielle Fleisher and Videographer/Sweaty Yoga Studio Owner Liz Glover dressed up like Delaware Sex Witches and your Riley Waggaman was coerced into donning the attire of a meatball eatin’ Hare Krishna — together we sang Christine’s favorite masturbation ballad, “I Touch Myself.” Anyway, what happened? Your Wonkette received a strange microphone/reindeer-dildo-shaped trophy for “Best Worst Performance,” but it’s Karaoke so doesn’t this mean we WON (in Afghanistan)? But is there insane video of Riley Waggaman dancing feverishly with random but attractive middle-aged ladies, who just started grinding up on him for no reason whatsoever?
But first: Here is our Christine O’Donnell Dildo Shrine, which now includes our awesome Bob Schieffer Karaoke Medallion. Shrine Key: That’s a map of Germany, and the Jack Daniel statutes were borrowed (forever) from a Make Jack Daniel’s Birthday a National Holiday/Alcohol Lobby party, which was catered by genuine Tennessee ladies with large boobs. It’s a long and odd story.
Anyway, where is this incriminating video footage of Team Wonkette dressed up like Christine O’Donnell Dabbling-Fads and singing songs about touching yourself? Uh, we don’t have it! Not yet. Apparently someone stole Liz Glover’s expensive camera (we are not even joking). But hopefully it will turn up? Because otherwise this would be a tragic way to end what was truly an insane night. But everything we have said so far is true — even the part about the middle-aged women dry humping your young, virginal Correspondent.
Oh and also: As we exited, Luke Russert said something dumb and vaguely flirtatious to Liz Glover, which probably means he wants to tell Liz “the news,” naked. (What we are trying to say is: Luke Russert wants to make sweet, sweet sex with Liz Glover.)
If you were “there” could you maybe send us your hawt pics? Thank you so much in advance! Stay tuned.
{ 43 comments }
There are no dildoes* in your dildo shrine. Please rectify this immediately.
(*I suppose the HuckPAC bumper sticker could qualify as a dildo.)
That microphone trophy is phallic enough to get Christine hot and bothered.
Psh, for that you just need a few meatballs.
Those hat rims are a little pointy, but otherwise the Jack Daniels statues are shaped pretty close.
The rims keep them from slipping out past the rim, so to speak.
Dildos: they rectify.
Apparently you didn't see where Krystal Ball was named to the host committee.
Whaaaa? No sign of Rick Sanchez leading a round of "Hava Nagila? Let's sing and be happy, indeed!
So how's that cougary-baity thing working out for ya, Riley? Gettin' more than a sniff?
Are you sure one of the middle-aged women wasn't Breitbart in drag?
DAMN! I was hoping to see what Delaware Sex Witches look like dancing with Harry Potter.
Thanks camera thief, you fucking asshole.
It's that Harry Potter lookalike thing, Riley. We all want to be your Dolores Umbridge but without the bloody quill bit, or the plates with the kittens.
If the laughter starts to hurt just think of Russert naked.
The least he could do is wear a fedora with a card reading "PRESS" stuck into the hatband. It would be better than his awful comb-forward.
Riley, just a word of advice from someone who has been around a little longer than you. This grinding is one of many human mating rituals; it is fairly common among the female humans, who are over burdened with healthy eggs, have no children and have ingested a substantial amount of alcohol. They are very dangerous in this state and you must do whatever they ask you to do. Good luck.
The dancing, this is the foremost of human mating rituals, you are correct, Grumpe. The middle-aged women, whom I would probably regard as youngsters, myself, they are the most bold, of all, they are past all girlish pretenses about ladylike virginal purity, and they become the most forward and aggressive sexual predators known to man, this is the life-passage moment when you are most likely to find yourself doing it in a coat-check room, a restroom, or in the alley behind the dumpster, for they will not be denied, when well-lubricated by liquor and dancing.
If God existed, we could thank Him for this reward among the many afflictions of reaching "middle age."
Hey, as a woman whom I think would be considered close to middle age, I resemble the use of "predator". Ladies' embracing their horniness for once in their lives does not make them predatory unless you seriously think they can overpower and eat you (against your will…). Hell, I think all women should be a lot more active from a far younger age in 1) liking sex and knowing how to enjoy it and 2) seeking it out instead of being little tight-kneed mice.
Riley, those grinders might have a lot to teach your skinny butt. Go forth and enjoy.
We might not be predatory technically, but I'd be willing to bet either one of us could put the fear of dog in Roth Douthat or Jonah Goldberg without even trying. Not that I would ever recommend we try.
You may have missed the "middle aged" part; there's no eggs left in those baskets.
also, often ABBA.
ABBA, dabba,
dodon't.Sadly, I was not "there' there. But do, please to find that vid. Luke Russert??!
I would have thought you'd go with a whole Hogwarts theme, with Riley as the Harry Potter tormented by his love for multiple comely witches (and hence the touching himself). Still, good job taking home the mic of self-love.
Sadly for the middle aged women, they thought Riley was a safe, sweet young man and wanted to have some fun teasing him. Little did they know of his ability to make all people (especially middle aged sweaty conservative hustlers) go mad with desire for his pale, pale skin. Bet they wound up doing some touching later on.
the picture of Riley giving the camera a mischievous look right before he got Breitbart to dry hump him should be the official picture of liberal sexual mischief everywhere.
needs moar whiskey ladies with large boobs.
Or booby ladies with large whiskies.
O'Keefe snuck in and stole your dildos.
Mom! David Hasselhoff is looking at me!
So that's what they mean by "the life of Riley."
wonkettes are soooooo hot
"Virginal" Riley? C'mon we all saw those Breitbart pix. You slut.
Please tell me that the karaoke performance included "Turning Japanese."
Today, we all want to break the news to Liz Glover.
Maybe play some Good News, Bad News.
Maybe see if she's interested in subscribing to our RSS feeds, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Hmm? Sorry. I stopped reading after that first pic. For a while. Ah, Riley, you cougar-bait.
How was Mark Foley and Larry Craig's rendition of "It's Raining Men?"
Sweet love making….naked Liz Glover?
Great, I wasn't planning on finger banging myself this morning. Thanks Riley.
Tell me about the boobs, George.
I think Huck PAC is the sound I make when I spit.
I'm creeped out by the thought of Bob Schieffer contributing to this.
James O'Keefe has to work SO HARD to attract the laydees and all our Riley has to do is show up.
That's because Riley is about 10x cuter than James and about a bazillion times more adorable. And I say that as a heterosexual male.
Was James O'KEEFE iN TOWN?
dON''T go to his boat LIz.
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