it's morning in america

Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!

Who knew we'd be fighting Monkeys and also Losing in ten years?

  • Happy “Whoops, We Invaded Afghanistan” Day! (Of course, back then it was called “Operation Enduring Hooray We ‘Liberated’ Afghanistan from the Towelheads.”) Nine years ago today, America sat on its XXL fundillo and “channel surfed” for cool night-vision footage of Kabul exploding and CNN cellphone camera videos of Army Rangers killing (“liberating”) things. Everyone loved this “good war” so much, because Afghanistan was harboring a terrorist and what’s up with that. What are you supposed to get America for its almost-tenth wedding anniversary? Tin? So you should probably FedEx Karzai a tinfoil hat, so he’ll have something nice to wear/deflect alien death rays with when he surrenders to the Taliban, tomorrow. [Truthout]
  • “Government scientists wanted to tell Americans early on how bad the BP oil spill could get, but the White House denied their request to make the worst-case models public.” Stay classy, White House! [McClatchy]
  • Obamacare will make a special exception for McDonald’s or any other megadeath Lard Conglomerate that doesn’t actually want to give its employees health care. [NYT]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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83 comments

  1. Respitetini

    It's really only been 10 (9) years? God, it seems like forever that we've been at war with Eurasia…

  2. spooked911

    fighting for freedumb means never having to say you're sorry…. especially to dead brown people

  3. HELisforHEL

    Thousands and thousands killed! Billions and billions of $$ wasted! Yay America We're Number One!!!!11!!!1

  4. harry_palmer

    Never start a land war in Asia unless your well-connected military contractor firms are gonna make a lot of money, and you you don't give a shit about collateral damage, blowback, etc. In that case, rock on.

  5. WarAndGee

    It's all Clinton's fault for not shooting Obama dum laden, or whoever. You know, the guy with the ZZtop beard who sends incoherent messages on cassette tapes to CNN every 18 months and then we are all told to pucker tighter. Fucking Clintons.

    Anyways, I'll like this war a lot more when a Republican is in the White House and I can go back to ignoring how much killing people and blowing shit up costs as the defense industry makes awesome profits.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      guy with the ZZtop beard who sends incoherent messages on cassette tapes

      A hau hau hau hau
      A hmm hmm hmm hmm

    2. JMPEsq

      I love the wingnut blaming of Clinton, as they all seem to have completely forgotten the time he did try and go after bin Laden and was forced to stop after the Republican cries of "Wag the dog!" and "No war for Monica!"

      1. CthuNHu

        Wag The Dog was not only an awesome movie, but the most awesomely timed movie of all time, of all time!

    3. weejee

      One could argue it is Carter's fault for not having the Terhan embassy staff rescue mission mission, ol' operation Eagle Claw, make a short detour and whack bin Laden while he was still in college. Damn wussie Carter.

      1. JMPEsq

        Bin Laden did rise to power while fighting the Soviet army in Afghanistan in the 80s, and one could blame the people who funded him then for his rise; now who was that again?

  6. Serolf_Divad

    The good news is that Afghanistan produces enough high grade heroin that the country will easily be able to pay for its own reconstruction, unlike Iraq which only had oil.

  7. johnnyzhivago

    Well, war is getting to be better and better television… Let's face it, Vietnam – after a good start – had terrible ratings and eventually had to be cancelled.

    The Granada and Panama miniseries proved that with a good story line – war could entertain – as long as we appeared to win. This was the formula for a long time – pick enemies who you could mow over in a week or two. But let's face it – to be really worth it to the sponsors, you've got to have a storyline that goes a couple of years without running out of steam. Not only that – viewers are smart. If we're not really being threatened, it's all explosions and no emotional involvment!

    Iraq had a good run – and Afghanstan takes the new approach a little further. Both are missing elements that keep the viewer really interested (naval battles, land/see invasions, carpet bombing, cruise missiles and lots of them).

    I predict in a year or two we'll be able to refine war – a bigger, broader, longer -yet visual war – lots of battles over a much, much wide area. I also envision much better interaction, thanks to immersive videogame technology and rogue terrorism.

    Must see TV!!!

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      Yeah. By now this one feels like they decided to come back with ANOTHER season of Lost, after all.

    2. V572625694

      Those Predator robo-aircraft have a steerable nose camera that ought to provide some thrilling follow-the-terrain footage, particularly if a follow-on drone can capture the explosions.

      What's that you say? Classified intelligence information not for public release? Shouldn't be too long now.

      ♪ We're guided by the beauty of our weapons….♫

      1. johnnyzhivago

        Exactly! These are the ideas that make compelling television! We could also use a snazzy theme song – and a killer music video. We also need some better costumes – those digital camo outfits don't look good in desert conditions. We also need some attractive cast members – the next Jessica Lynch, maybe?

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    “…they (insurance companies) will stop selling new policies in some states because the rules do not protect them from having to cover too many sick children.”

    I think I see the problem here. It is not that the insurance companies are in the business for the single purpose of making money, noooooooo, the real problem is that there are too many sick children

    1. JMPEsq

      Besides, if they have to pay money for health care for their customers, how will the insurance companies be able to give their top executives seven- or eight-figure salaries?

    2. lulzmonger

      The insurance companies are hoping that this problem can take care of itself.
      Let The Market Darwin decide!

  9. 4TheTurnstiles

    this morning's fantasy: Trotsky found a way to push Stalin out by 1926; under competent leadership, the USSR and international communism didn't collapse (or at least wasn't so stupid as to invade Afghanistan); it would have been me fucking Frida Kahlo instead; &c.

    (yes, I have to play mind games with myself in order to get out of bed and face this again)

    1. V572625694

      But what about the bluejean deficit? That's one problem the Soviet Union could never solve, and therefore collapsed (i.e. the Jews did it).

      Also, Frida didn't really look that much like Salma Hayek.

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      I find it ironic that the exclusion of McDonalds would be likened to a nibble. Not the death part, tho. That's spot on.

  10. el_donaldo

    War means Good Television AND the only way Bill Kristol can wake up in the morning with a woody.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Thanks for that image that seared my eyes, the thought of him even having an operative penis is repulsive.

        1. mumbly_joe

          And if he does have one at all, it's almost certainly an operative one. And hence, inoperative.

    1. transfatz

      Thanks for that. I am so tired of announcements of "turning points" that aren't. That and the killing of oh-so-important-second-in-commands. This country is so ADDled it can't remember the last thousand of these.

  11. JustPixelz

    Nine years is long enough. Send in Chuck Norris. If he doesn't win it in 93 action packed minutes, send in Gingrich. Then Limbaugh. Cheney. Cheney's cold dead heart. Kristol's woody. Give 'em everything we can afford to lose.

  12. V572625694

    The Vietnam War lasted 10 years, at much greater expense of life and money than this one, polluted our national politics for years (just ask John Kerry!), crippled us internationally (How's that Powell Doctrine of yours workin out, Colin?) and didn't really stop until Congress found the courage to NOT SUPPORT THE TROOPS, even though Jerry Ford wanted to keep pouring money into it. When you don't SUPPORT THE TROOPS, they get to come home, alive.

    So, how 'bout it, Dem majority in the House — the Constimitution gives you the power to control appropriations, and you all "fight" (there's a word whose meaning has been debased) to get on the Appropriations Committee all your political lives. How about using your power for good, instead of pork distribution? Remember in your campaign, Congresscritter X, how you said you'd "fight" for us?

    It's payback time, motherfucker. Pat Tillman died in vain. Killing more people won't change that.

  13. chascates

    George Bush's address to the nation, Sunday, 7th October 2001:

    Initially, the terrorists may burrow deeper into caves and other entrenched hiding places. Our military action is also designed to clear the way for sustained, comprehensive and relentless operations to drive them out and bring them to justice.
    At the same time, the oppressed people of Afghanistan will know the generosity of America and our allies. As we strike military targets, we will also drop food, medicine and supplies to the starving and suffering men and women and children of Afghanistan.

    To all the men and women in our military, every sailor, every soldier, every airman, every Coast Guardsman, every Marine, I say this: Your mission is defined. The objectives are clear. Your goal is just. You have my full confidence, and you will have every tool you need to carry out your duty.

    http://www.putlearningfirst.com/language/20rhet/b

    1. V572625694

      The irony of that burns so much I can't do anything but append it:

      "Uh, except for the really difficult part, which we're subbing out to a tribe of raghead camel jock misogynists that we've named 'The Northern Alliance' to make them sound noble and organized, which they most certainly are not. If they blow it and Bin Laden gets away…fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, we won't get fooled again."

    2. Naked_Bunny

      we will also drop food, medicine and supplies to the starving and suffering men and women and children of Afghanistan.

      Food, medicine, and supplies for starving and suffering Americans, though? Fuck 'em. Get a job, you load.

    3. mumbly_joe

      And by "bring them to justice", I mean blow up unrelated wedding parties, with bombs, which are usually terrible at arresting people. A-heheheheheh

    4. RedneckMuslin

      It's sad. He said that and then attacked Iraq instead. His AHDD was a problem. But he said it so that counts as being a hero and a Christian. And stupid dickhead, too. Also.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Barry has been Preznit for 9 years? Must be true, cuz the teevee keeps calling Afghanistan, "Obama's War".

  15. Chet Kincaid

    Fucking up the Taliban was Bush's only good idea. He should have quit while he was ahead.

  16. DCHatesMe

    The GDP of Afghanistan is $11 Billion a year. The direct cost of the war is $21 Billion a year. Wouldn't it be cheaper to buy the country?

    1. Mindblank

      Yes, but who wants a burnt-out cesspit? Instead, we should buy it and then *give* it to somebody. Somebody we don't like. "Here's Afghanistan, sucker! Haha." Sort of the Calvin Solution.

  17. Chet Kincaid

    Refresh my memory. Exactly how was the war in Afghanistan going when the Neo-Cons activated the long-planned Iraq war? Was it going so well they really thought they could afford two wars, or did they not even care?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      If memory serves, they lost interest once the boomy-bangy things were doing nothing more than making the rubble jump.

    2. JMPEsq

      They had to go to Afghanistan because of that bin Laden guy, but figured conquering a country without oil was really pretty pointless; plus that war didn't address W's daddy issues.

    3. Mindblank

      Well, Donald Rumsfeld thought we could work miracles in Afghanistan with only a rubber band, a peanut, and a couple of kilos of high explosive (so obvsly true ). So we buggered off to Iraq.

  18. Naked_Bunny

    I'm glad we spent billions making women, Christians, and McDonald's stockholders safe in Afghanistan.

  19. DoctorAwesomus

    Riley, there's nothing I can work with in these stories. Can we have a photo of Glenn Beck eating Gummi worms or something, or maybe Sarah Palin having a "wardrobe malfunction" (do I have to use scare quotes? have I already scarred you with the image of Griftertitties? did she breastfeed? did she care?) or something, because I mean these institutional clusterfucks don't really give my Comedic Stylings the chance to roam as freely as I'd like. Just one picture of John McCain eating a blueberry pie with his hands, or I dunno Christine Witchybuns making an ass of herself, and not the world's biggest purveyor of near-meat bitching about teh damage Healthcarezzz is going to do.

    *sigh* Must be Thursday.

  20. Chet Kincaid

    I appreciate everyone's hindsight goggles about the wisdom of the Afghan War, but what I do remember about 9/11 is that there was no fucking way we were not going to war in Afghanistan, even if Gore had been the President. The two things I said to the Sig. O. that morning were, "we're going to war" and "you can kiss your civil liberties goodbye." Maybe Dems would have been more subtle about the second one, but the first was inevitable. One can criticize the execution, expense and eternity, but my foolish consistency won't allow me to say we shouldn't have gone in 9 years ago. And if it was really such an obviously bad idea at the time, who was saying that, and what was their alternate plan?

    1. V572625694

      As long as we're all being dour and serious on this topic, I'll say this: it was a good idea to go into Afghanistan and clean out Bin Laden's guys. And if we couldn't do that, we could've at least showed the Taliban that hosting transnational bad guys would unleash an intolerable shitstorm of cluster bomb units and 5,000-pound bombs on them. That mission should have been complete by, what, 2003? But by then GWB was still trying to Oedipus-slay his father by "completing the job" of the Persian Gulf war that his daddy had wisely eschewed as not — what's the vivid, striking new mot juste I'm looking for? — oh yeah, sustainable.

    2. DoctorAwesomus

      I was even opposed to going into Afghanistan, as it would have played right into Bin Laden's hands for starting an international jihad/crusade fight. The fact that the Taliban seemed to fall quickly made me think, "ok, fine" but then it kept going and OBL didn't get captured and the next thing I knew everyone was talking about Iraq.

      Man, so not funny today.

  21. mrblifil

    For the record I wish we had killed OBL and Zwahiri, but we didn't and perhaps the period of time whereby it is possible to save face for losing that gamble has expired. And if Obama ever loses were going into Iran. Good times, good times…

    1. mumbly_joe

      If I use Google Streetview to look at the terrible home there, does that make me an evil sexpervert and/or journalist, for spying on Willow/Trig/Tron/Truck/Alpine Ash/? Did I miss any names of the kids over there?

  22. Guppy06

    I'm so glad Barry made HCR as toothless as possible to get it past the Blue Dogs. Thanks, Democrats, for looking out for working Americans!

  23. donner_froh

    Too bad no one thought to take a look at the history of world powers that invaded Afghanistan–starting with Alexander the fucking Great. I don't think CENTCOM has anyone quite up to the Macedonian's standard.

    We are great at dropping huge bombs on mountain ranges, though–mountain ranges that will still be there in a few thousand years.

  24. SaintRond

    I really like that picture of the monkeys shooting firearms. I wish it had a few more pixels for my desktop.

  25. GOPCrusher

    Companies like McDonald's are exactly the companies that need to be forced to provide their employees health insurance, since they've probably contributed more to rising health care costs in this country that anyone else.
    But yeah, no one was surprised when Principal Financial announced that they were going to get out of the health insurance business the day that Obamacare first started kicking in, and they no longer could drop someone for getting sick. In fact, they announced that they were putting 1500 employees out of work in Des Moines, it was almost like they were saying "Fuck you, you voted for Obama. Paybacks are a bitch."
    Assholes.

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