IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:30 am October 7, 2010

Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!

by Riley Waggaman

Who knew we'd be fighting Monkeys and also Losing in ten years?

  • Happy “Whoops, We Invaded Afghanistan” Day! (Of course, back then it was called “Operation Enduring Hooray We ‘Liberated’ Afghanistan from the Towelheads.”) Nine years ago today, America sat on its XXL fundillo and “channel surfed” for cool night-vision footage of Kabul exploding and CNN cellphone camera videos of Army Rangers killing (“liberating”) things. Everyone loved this “good war” so much, because Afghanistan was harboring a terrorist and what’s up with that. What are you supposed to get America for its almost-tenth wedding anniversary? Tin? So you should probably FedEx Karzai a tinfoil hat, so he’ll have something nice to wear/deflect alien death rays with when he surrenders to the Taliban, tomorrow. [Truthout]
  • “Government scientists wanted to tell Americans early on how bad the BP oil spill could get, but the White House denied their request to make the worst-case models public.” Stay classy, White House! [McClatchy]
  • Obamacare will make a special exception for McDonald’s or any other megadeath Lard Conglomerate that doesn’t actually want to give its employees health care. [NYT]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 83 comments }

BaldarTFlagass October 7, 2010 at 8:34 am

Man, I lost a year there. I thought it was October 2001 that we invaded. Time flies when you're in hell.
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs728

Respitetini October 7, 2010 at 8:40 am

It's really only been 10 (9) years? God, it seems like forever that we've been at war with Eurasia…

Knightro829 October 7, 2010 at 8:54 am

Minitrue mark comment doubleplusgood.

spooked911 October 7, 2010 at 8:41 am

fighting for freedumb means never having to say you're sorry…. especially to dead brown people

chascates October 7, 2010 at 8:42 am

But there's light at the end of the tunnel.

WarAndGee October 7, 2010 at 8:45 am

That's the train.

weejee October 7, 2010 at 10:22 am

Yeah, but it is the flash from an IED

Krugmanic Depressive October 7, 2010 at 11:41 am

Give it another six months.

Badonkadonkette October 7, 2010 at 8:44 am

9 years = Enduring. Now if we could just get that Freedom part down.

BaldarTFlagass October 7, 2010 at 8:45 am

That'll just take another year, or two Friedman units, in the vernacular.

HELisforHEL October 7, 2010 at 8:48 am

Thousands and thousands killed! Billions and billions of $$ wasted! Yay America We're Number One!!!!11!!!1

harry_palmer October 7, 2010 at 8:48 am

Never start a land war in Asia unless your well-connected military contractor firms are gonna make a lot of money, and you you don't give a shit about collateral damage, blowback, etc. In that case, rock on.

WarAndGee October 7, 2010 at 8:52 am

It's all Clinton's fault for not shooting Obama dum laden, or whoever. You know, the guy with the ZZtop beard who sends incoherent messages on cassette tapes to CNN every 18 months and then we are all told to pucker tighter. Fucking Clintons.

Anyways, I'll like this war a lot more when a Republican is in the White House and I can go back to ignoring how much killing people and blowing shit up costs as the defense industry makes awesome profits.

BaldarTFlagass October 7, 2010 at 9:29 am

guy with the ZZtop beard who sends incoherent messages on cassette tapes

A hau hau hau hau
A hmm hmm hmm hmm

JMPEsq October 7, 2010 at 9:42 am

I love the wingnut blaming of Clinton, as they all seem to have completely forgotten the time he did try and go after bin Laden and was forced to stop after the Republican cries of "Wag the dog!" and "No war for Monica!"

CthuNHu October 7, 2010 at 11:07 am

Wag The Dog was not only an awesome movie, but the most awesomely timed movie of all time, of all time!

weejee October 7, 2010 at 10:28 am

One could argue it is Carter's fault for not having the Terhan embassy staff rescue mission mission, ol' operation Eagle Claw, make a short detour and whack bin Laden while he was still in college. Damn wussie Carter.

JMPEsq October 7, 2010 at 10:48 am

Bin Laden did rise to power while fighting the Soviet army in Afghanistan in the 80s, and one could blame the people who funded him then for his rise; now who was that again?

weejee October 7, 2010 at 11:43 am

Lou Dobbs?

Serolf_Divad October 7, 2010 at 8:55 am

The good news is that Afghanistan produces enough high grade heroin that the country will easily be able to pay for its own reconstruction, unlike Iraq which only had oil.

johnnyzhivago October 7, 2010 at 9:01 am

Well, war is getting to be better and better television… Let's face it, Vietnam – after a good start – had terrible ratings and eventually had to be cancelled.

The Granada and Panama miniseries proved that with a good story line – war could entertain – as long as we appeared to win. This was the formula for a long time – pick enemies who you could mow over in a week or two. But let's face it – to be really worth it to the sponsors, you've got to have a storyline that goes a couple of years without running out of steam. Not only that – viewers are smart. If we're not really being threatened, it's all explosions and no emotional involvment!

Iraq had a good run – and Afghanstan takes the new approach a little further. Both are missing elements that keep the viewer really interested (naval battles, land/see invasions, carpet bombing, cruise missiles and lots of them).

I predict in a year or two we'll be able to refine war – a bigger, broader, longer -yet visual war – lots of battles over a much, much wide area. I also envision much better interaction, thanks to immersive videogame technology and rogue terrorism.

Must see TV!!!

Serolf_Divad October 7, 2010 at 9:06 am

Grenada was awesome because of Clint Eastwood. Anyting he's in is awesome.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 7, 2010 at 9:07 am

In 3-D!

Kidneys4Sale October 7, 2010 at 9:08 am

Yeah. By now this one feels like they decided to come back with ANOTHER season of Lost, after all.

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 9:16 am

Those Predator robo-aircraft have a steerable nose camera that ought to provide some thrilling follow-the-terrain footage, particularly if a follow-on drone can capture the explosions.

What's that you say? Classified intelligence information not for public release? Shouldn't be too long now.

♪ We're guided by the beauty of our weapons….♫

johnnyzhivago October 7, 2010 at 9:35 am

Exactly! These are the ideas that make compelling television! We could also use a snazzy theme song – and a killer music video. We also need some better costumes – those digital camo outfits don't look good in desert conditions. We also need some attractive cast members – the next Jessica Lynch, maybe?

Katydid October 7, 2010 at 11:25 am

What scares me is you might work at the Pentagon.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 7, 2010 at 9:01 am

“…they (insurance companies) will stop selling new policies in some states because the rules do not protect them from having to cover too many sick children.”

I think I see the problem here. It is not that the insurance companies are in the business for the single purpose of making money, noooooooo, the real problem is that there are too many sick children

PsycWench October 7, 2010 at 9:18 am

and it's not like having health insurance will make them any less sick or anything.

freakishlywrong October 7, 2010 at 9:27 am

Or..uh..Happy Meals.

JMPEsq October 7, 2010 at 9:44 am

Besides, if they have to pay money for health care for their customers, how will the insurance companies be able to give their top executives seven- or eight-figure salaries?

lulzmonger October 7, 2010 at 3:50 pm

The insurance companies are hoping that this problem can take care of itself.
Let The Market Darwin decide!

4TheTurnstiles October 7, 2010 at 9:02 am

this morning's fantasy: Trotsky found a way to push Stalin out by 1926; under competent leadership, the USSR and international communism didn't collapse (or at least wasn't so stupid as to invade Afghanistan); it would have been me fucking Frida Kahlo instead; &c.

(yes, I have to play mind games with myself in order to get out of bed and face this again)

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 10:07 am

But what about the bluejean deficit? That's one problem the Soviet Union could never solve, and therefore collapsed (i.e. the Jews did it).

Also, Frida didn't really look that much like Salma Hayek.

OneDollarJuana October 7, 2010 at 10:41 am

You know, after Kahlo's bus accident, I'm not so sure she was into f**king.

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2010 at 9:02 am

That picture for Thrillist makes me uncomfortable in ways that are hard to describe.

PsycWench October 7, 2010 at 9:03 am

I see the Obama health care bill being nibbled to death. RIP, it was fun.

Kidneys4Sale October 7, 2010 at 9:13 am

I find it ironic that the exclusion of McDonalds would be likened to a nibble. Not the death part, tho. That's spot on.

el_donaldo October 7, 2010 at 9:04 am

War means Good Television AND the only way Bill Kristol can wake up in the morning with a woody.

Limeylizzie October 7, 2010 at 9:09 am

Thanks for that image that seared my eyes, the thought of him even having an operative penis is repulsive.

Terry October 7, 2010 at 9:14 am

Actually, there's no evidence he has one at all.

mumbly_joe October 7, 2010 at 9:31 am

And if he does have one at all, it's almost certainly an operative one. And hence, inoperative.

BaldarTFlagass October 7, 2010 at 9:32 am

But there's plenty of evidence that he is one.

Kidneys4Sale October 7, 2010 at 9:39 am

Define 'having'.

mumbly_joe October 7, 2010 at 9:20 am

I mean, we've been there for years, but we're *finally* Turning a Corner, in this dodeathagon, and I'm sure that The Next Six Months will be a critical period in determining success in etc. etc.

Pop_Socket October 7, 2010 at 9:27 am

Celebrating our twentieth consecutive Friedman Unit in Afghanistan.

transfatz October 7, 2010 at 8:04 pm

Thanks for that. I am so tired of announcements of "turning points" that aren't. That and the killing of oh-so-important-second-in-commands. This country is so ADDled it can't remember the last thousand of these.

Cat_Damon October 7, 2010 at 9:22 am

How does Justin Bieber feel about any of this?

JustPixelz October 7, 2010 at 9:23 am

Nine years is long enough. Send in Chuck Norris. If he doesn't win it in 93 action packed minutes, send in Gingrich. Then Limbaugh. Cheney. Cheney's cold dead heart. Kristol's woody. Give 'em everything we can afford to lose.

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 9:24 am

The Vietnam War lasted 10 years, at much greater expense of life and money than this one, polluted our national politics for years (just ask John Kerry!), crippled us internationally (How's that Powell Doctrine of yours workin out, Colin?) and didn't really stop until Congress found the courage to NOT SUPPORT THE TROOPS, even though Jerry Ford wanted to keep pouring money into it. When you don't SUPPORT THE TROOPS, they get to come home, alive.

So, how 'bout it, Dem majority in the House — the Constimitution gives you the power to control appropriations, and you all "fight" (there's a word whose meaning has been debased) to get on the Appropriations Committee all your political lives. How about using your power for good, instead of pork distribution? Remember in your campaign, Congresscritter X, how you said you'd "fight" for us?

It's payback time, motherfucker. Pat Tillman died in vain. Killing more people won't change that.

Kidneys4Sale October 7, 2010 at 9:50 am

Get a job, Hippy.

chascates October 7, 2010 at 9:38 am

George Bush's address to the nation, Sunday, 7th October 2001:

Initially, the terrorists may burrow deeper into caves and other entrenched hiding places. Our military action is also designed to clear the way for sustained, comprehensive and relentless operations to drive them out and bring them to justice.
At the same time, the oppressed people of Afghanistan will know the generosity of America and our allies. As we strike military targets, we will also drop food, medicine and supplies to the starving and suffering men and women and children of Afghanistan.

To all the men and women in our military, every sailor, every soldier, every airman, every Coast Guardsman, every Marine, I say this: Your mission is defined. The objectives are clear. Your goal is just. You have my full confidence, and you will have every tool you need to carry out your duty.

http://www.putlearningfirst.com/language/20rhet/b

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 9:41 am

The irony of that burns so much I can't do anything but append it:

"Uh, except for the really difficult part, which we're subbing out to a tribe of raghead camel jock misogynists that we've named 'The Northern Alliance' to make them sound noble and organized, which they most certainly are not. If they blow it and Bin Laden gets away…fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, we won't get fooled again."

Naked_Bunny October 7, 2010 at 9:58 am

we will also drop food, medicine and supplies to the starving and suffering men and women and children of Afghanistan.

Food, medicine, and supplies for starving and suffering Americans, though? Fuck 'em. Get a job, you load.

mumbly_joe October 7, 2010 at 10:05 am

And by "bring them to justice", I mean blow up unrelated wedding parties, with bombs, which are usually terrible at arresting people. A-heheheheheh

RedneckMuslin October 7, 2010 at 10:23 am

It's sad. He said that and then attacked Iraq instead. His AHDD was a problem. But he said it so that counts as being a hero and a Christian. And stupid dickhead, too. Also.

freakishlywrong October 7, 2010 at 9:39 am

Barry has been Preznit for 9 years? Must be true, cuz the teevee keeps calling Afghanistan, "Obama's War".

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 9:43 am

Fucking up the Taliban was Bush's only good idea. He should have quit while he was ahead.

DCHatesMe October 7, 2010 at 9:44 am

The GDP of Afghanistan is $11 Billion a year. The direct cost of the war is $21 Billion a year. Wouldn't it be cheaper to buy the country?

Mindblank October 7, 2010 at 10:43 am

Yes, but who wants a burnt-out cesspit? Instead, we should buy it and then *give* it to somebody. Somebody we don't like. "Here's Afghanistan, sucker! Haha." Sort of the Calvin Solution.

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 11:20 am

We could give it to Russia, but then oops, we'd be exposed as re-gifting douches.

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 9:47 am

Refresh my memory. Exactly how was the war in Afghanistan going when the Neo-Cons activated the long-planned Iraq war? Was it going so well they really thought they could afford two wars, or did they not even care?

BaldarTFlagass October 7, 2010 at 9:51 am

If memory serves, they lost interest once the boomy-bangy things were doing nothing more than making the rubble jump.

JMPEsq October 7, 2010 at 9:56 am

They had to go to Afghanistan because of that bin Laden guy, but figured conquering a country without oil was really pretty pointless; plus that war didn't address W's daddy issues.

Mindblank October 7, 2010 at 10:46 am

Well, Donald Rumsfeld thought we could work miracles in Afghanistan with only a rubber band, a peanut, and a couple of kilos of high explosive (so obvsly true ). So we buggered off to Iraq.

Buzz Feedback October 7, 2010 at 9:47 am

I've smelled freedom. And it smells like an Afghani who wipes his ass with his hand.

Naked_Bunny October 7, 2010 at 9:50 am

I'm glad we spent billions making women, Christians, and McDonald's stockholders safe in Afghanistan.

DoctorAwesomus October 7, 2010 at 9:53 am

Riley, there's nothing I can work with in these stories. Can we have a photo of Glenn Beck eating Gummi worms or something, or maybe Sarah Palin having a "wardrobe malfunction" (do I have to use scare quotes? have I already scarred you with the image of Griftertitties? did she breastfeed? did she care?) or something, because I mean these institutional clusterfucks don't really give my Comedic Stylings the chance to roam as freely as I'd like. Just one picture of John McCain eating a blueberry pie with his hands, or I dunno Christine Witchybuns making an ass of herself, and not the world's biggest purveyor of near-meat bitching about teh damage Healthcarezzz is going to do.

*sigh* Must be Thursday.

Chet Kincaid October 7, 2010 at 10:00 am

I appreciate everyone's hindsight goggles about the wisdom of the Afghan War, but what I do remember about 9/11 is that there was no fucking way we were not going to war in Afghanistan, even if Gore had been the President. The two things I said to the Sig. O. that morning were, "we're going to war" and "you can kiss your civil liberties goodbye." Maybe Dems would have been more subtle about the second one, but the first was inevitable. One can criticize the execution, expense and eternity, but my foolish consistency won't allow me to say we shouldn't have gone in 9 years ago. And if it was really such an obviously bad idea at the time, who was saying that, and what was their alternate plan?

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 10:15 am

As long as we're all being dour and serious on this topic, I'll say this: it was a good idea to go into Afghanistan and clean out Bin Laden's guys. And if we couldn't do that, we could've at least showed the Taliban that hosting transnational bad guys would unleash an intolerable shitstorm of cluster bomb units and 5,000-pound bombs on them. That mission should have been complete by, what, 2003? But by then GWB was still trying to Oedipus-slay his father by "completing the job" of the Persian Gulf war that his daddy had wisely eschewed as not — what's the vivid, striking new mot juste I'm looking for? — oh yeah, sustainable.

DoctorAwesomus October 7, 2010 at 10:39 am

I was even opposed to going into Afghanistan, as it would have played right into Bin Laden's hands for starting an international jihad/crusade fight. The fact that the Taliban seemed to fall quickly made me think, "ok, fine" but then it kept going and OBL didn't get captured and the next thing I knew everyone was talking about Iraq.

Man, so not funny today.

mrblifil October 7, 2010 at 10:30 am

For the record I wish we had killed OBL and Zwahiri, but we didn't and perhaps the period of time whereby it is possible to save face for losing that gamble has expired. And if Obama ever loses were going into Iran. Good times, good times…

Mindblank October 7, 2010 at 10:50 am

War. What is it good for, I ask you?

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 10:57 am

Halliburton, Boeing, Lockheed Martin, etc….

Katydid October 7, 2010 at 11:33 am

Good God. Say it again.

weejee October 7, 2010 at 10:52 am

Can we call in a Predator strike at 6VUP7051529972?

mumbly_joe October 7, 2010 at 11:12 am

If I use Google Streetview to look at the terrible home there, does that make me an evil sexpervert and/or journalist, for spying on Willow/Trig/Tron/Truck/Alpine Ash/? Did I miss any names of the kids over there?

V572625694 October 7, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Too bad, Street View doesn't have data. Here's a snapshot from an adjacent spot on the shore:
http://goo.gl/maps/aOZr

It's so beautiful there. Too bad about the people. Even the fucking maps are beautiful: http://goo.gl/maps/20HM

SaintRond October 7, 2010 at 10:55 am

They have the drugs. Now all they need is the pornography. Why aren't we helping them?

Guppy06 October 7, 2010 at 11:52 am

I'm so glad Barry made HCR as toothless as possible to get it past the Blue Dogs. Thanks, Democrats, for looking out for working Americans!

donner_froh October 7, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Too bad no one thought to take a look at the history of world powers that invaded Afghanistan–starting with Alexander the fucking Great. I don't think CENTCOM has anyone quite up to the Macedonian's standard.

We are great at dropping huge bombs on mountain ranges, though–mountain ranges that will still be there in a few thousand years.

SaintRond October 7, 2010 at 2:20 pm

I really like that picture of the monkeys shooting firearms. I wish it had a few more pixels for my desktop.

GOPCrusher October 7, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Companies like McDonald's are exactly the companies that need to be forced to provide their employees health insurance, since they've probably contributed more to rising health care costs in this country that anyone else.
But yeah, no one was surprised when Principal Financial announced that they were going to get out of the health insurance business the day that Obamacare first started kicking in, and they no longer could drop someone for getting sick. In fact, they announced that they were putting 1500 employees out of work in Des Moines, it was almost like they were saying "Fuck you, you voted for Obama. Paybacks are a bitch."
Assholes.

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