island of misfit sex toys

Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo

This is what taxpayers want! Elect this woman!There is, remarkably, a 28-year-old woman who is running for Congress from Virginia named Krystal Ball (JESUS CHRIST, BAD PARENTS). As we have, apparently, noted in the past, this woman is quite attractive, in terms of fornication. But we wrote that before photos showed up on the Internet of her fellating a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dildo on her then-husband’s face at a Christmas party. Will Krystal Ball be the first dildo-fellating member of Congress? No, certainly not! Probably every current member of Congress has done this. But it’s still fun to see, right? Especially when there are quite a few of these photos?

Krystal Ball has responded by saying it’s really sexist to post these photos. Because it’s not sexist to post male members of Congress fellating dildos? We don’t understand. Let us enjoy these photos of you, lady. And if anyone has photos of any candidates for Congress, male or female, sucking on dildos, please send them along.

Stairway to Heaven

HEY! THAT WOMAN IS NOT HIS WIFE!

Here, Ball is contemplating what her position on capital punishment will be.

Aww, they seemed so happy together. Why did they divorce?

If anything, that last one is sexist. Men are not animals you can simply exploit for your enjoyment at holiday parties, Ball. Or maybe they are, if you want them to be. [TBD/Gawker/BVBL]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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155 comments

  1. Lucidamente1

    Now we know why Rudolph had a very shiny nose, at least in Virginia's 1st Congressional District.

  2. facehead

    I know Wonkette is not in the habit of endorsing political candidates, but can Wonkette PWEEZ endorse this one?

    How else will we win the war on Christmas?

    If she wins with Wonkette's endorsement, 'the Wonkette bump' will come to mean so much more than snorting meth of the ass of a dead raccoon.

      1. Advn2rgirl

        She's actually a CPA who, with her current husband, created the software that runs the Leap Frog learning toys everyone buys their little kids. They also make software for distance learning for girls in India. She met him while working to straighten out the accounting systems for the federal courts. Palin, she ain't.

  3. LionelHutzEsq

    In fairness to Ms. Ball, Ted Kennedy did this all the time, and he was the Lion of the Senate.

    (And, yes, Jack, very bad parents indeed).

    1. Beowoof

      She had my vote before I was aware of her party affiliation. Now that I know, for sure I am ready to campaign for her.

  4. LeDucViolet

    Bill O'Reilly expressed his disgust on this morning's radio Factor: "Just another typical Democrat assault on Christmas & Christian values! Now pass me a vibrator so I can have steamy phone sex with my unwilling assistant."

  5. LionelHutzEsq

    Still, this is what I like about Wonkette. I'm having a boring day at work, and after just a click on the Internet tubes, I have photos of a congressional candidate fellating her husband's dildo nose.

    It makes me weep for the greatness of this country. Can you imagine if we got Ms. Ball and Ms. O'Donnell together? There is a debate we all would enjoy.

  6. Troubledog

    And also, Virginia, how come your liquor stores have a big logo on the window of a white guy stomping a prone indian?

    1. bumfug

      Wow – the last thing a congressman wants to hear is "I've got those pictures of you at the Boy Scout Jamboree."

    1. slappypaddy

      if that goes viral enough, it could costs democrats elections all across the country.

      may we always live in such interesting times.

  7. slappypaddy

    pretty much sums up the difference between democrats and republicans. only democrats would suck fake dicks. republicans suck on the real ones.

  8. LeDucViolet

    If I were her campaign chairman, I'd run with it: "Elect Krystal Ball, furry proboscis fellatrix, to congress. She's not afraid to take up the reins & lead us to glory!"

  9. DashboardBuddha

    A few ladies I know say that the position of a man's penis is a design flaw. They suggest that a better place would be on the chin the the man can…err, you know at the same time as he…uhhh, that thing. The young man's costume in the picture seems to be addressing this issue, but still falls far short.

      1. spooked911

        methinks that in a 69 position, the dildo nose would be in the right position… probably needs to be attached a little more securely though!

  10. jus_wonderin

    Is she giving him an NJ as well??

    Seriously though, that's just a gherkin. Tap my shoulder when she gobbles a zucchini.

  11. Rotundo_

    She will no doubt immediately bail on the election and they will elect some very closeted republican guy who will "restore honor" to Virginia. And then the pictures of him and 20 of his closest friends (their penises, actually) in some rest stop glory hole reinacting her christmas celebration in a much more literal sense will be published thereby restoring karmic balance to the world for a small moment. The End.

    1. Rotundo_

      I stand corrected, scratch the rest stop gloryhole, said opponent went to the 2010 National BoyScout Jamboree. The size of the reindeer nose would also be in proportion as well.

      Waiting for the Karmic Explosion, Play us out Keyboard Cat…

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        And two years later, he'll get re-elected, having since accepted Jesus as his personal savior.

  12. WarAndGee

    Sing along…

    It's the most wonderful time- of the yeeeeear,
    Cleavage is showing,
    and noses are blowing,
    Reindeer looking queeeeeeer,

    It's the most wonderful time- of the yeeeeear,

  13. PalinPussyPower

    I would have voted for her based on the name alone, but the dildo now warrants a full blown campaign donation.

  14. ph7

    Her wikipedia entry needs updating. It says she's still married, makes no mention of the reindeer dildo, and, most important of all, is missing a profile pic. Any skilled volunteers?

    1. Advn2rgirl

      She is married – to a different guy. He's cuter and harder to picture on a leash. Pretty sure that's a campaign plus.

  15. hooray4anything

    This could be a good thing for her because my guess is that male voter's opinion of her are going to go up.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      It's get old real quick when all her constituents show up with reindeer noses at her office.

  16. elviouslyqueer

    Multiple alt-text wins, Jack. Also, one gets the feeling that Ball's ex-hubby has more than a passing familiarity with dildos.

    1. Beowoof

      He does have the appearance of a cuckold. The chain around his neck says sex swing and strap-ons to me.

    2. Extemporanus

      The hanger headline alone is so efficiently effective that it could inspire Hermey himself to ditch dentistry in favor of a sweaty stint in Santa's secret workshop.

  17. Mort_Sinclair

    I am certain that Mama Ball will instruct her daughter, Ella, currently 2, on the fit and proper way to service the erect sexual organs of men. She can put those pics in Ella's baby book for future reference.

    If she had a brain, a train of thought something like this would have occurred to her: Hmmm…..I think I'll run for Congress. No, wait a minute. There are pictures of me blowing a dildo on my ex-husband's face at that party. I wonder who else has copies of those pictures? Could they get out and embarrass me at some point in the campaign? Might they be splashed in the media? Never mind. Running for Congress = bad idea.

  18. DemmeFatale

    Meh. Kids these days post worse stuff on their Facebook pages.
    (And where are the obligatory shots of two drunken girls touching tongues and holding red cups?)

    1. savethispatient

      Give it 10 years, then every politician will have stuff like this leaked from their facebook pages. And if they didn't do anything embarrassing in college, then I will definitely not vote for the in-human weirdo.

      In fact, there'll be campaign videos: look how crazy was I was in college. Vote for me! SaveThisPatient for Congress! Your candidate for the Party Animal Party.

      1. ChuckieJesus

        In the future, they won't be asking whether or not we inhaled, but whether or not we "swallowed". – Chuckie Jesus, circa 1988.

  19. JoeMamased

    Sure, she dabbled into nose-dildo fellatio when she was younger, but she's not a witch! In fact, she's you, obvs., 'cause I seen teh pix.

  20. Extemporanus

    'Tis a shame Krystal Kringle only comes but once a year:

    "A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
    Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
    She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
    And filled up my 'stocking'; then turned with a jerk,
    And laying her finger aside of my 'nose',
    And giving a nod, up my 'chimney' she rose…"

  21. Tobacky

    Pathetic! You can't go to a party and act juvenile and pervy with your own husband?? I call bullshit. I hate that you can't have any fucking fun at parties anymore if you are in the political field. Any party worth having should not have cameras present. Or better yet, people should get the hell over it.

    When do you think that the general public will adjust to our insta-photo on line culture and stop believing that they can't vote for anyone at all who knows how to have fun.

    1. Beowoof

      Really it is the olds who feel this way. And they are just pissed that no one is fellating their nose.

    2. Rarian Rakista

      I have 3 great aunts in the same old folk's home; these women have not had sex since the 1980's and every year they are wheeled down to the polling station to vote Republican because they hate young people, literally. One cannot remember any of their children's names because she refuses to speak them since they are all divorced.

  22. MiniMencken

    It seems to me that the dildo in question is a copy of a circumcised membrum virile. How do we know it is not a Muslin Terror-Dildo (after all, of the 30% of men in the world who are circumcised, a full 68% are Muslins!) and that these photo files do not contain encrypted instructions to sleeper cells? And why you are distributing them, thus acting as a cyber cut-out? Huh? Answer me that, Ms. Smarty-Harem-Pants Wonkette!

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Forgive the link to you-know-who, but I think her response is pretty awesome:

    "It's sexist and it's wrong, regardless of political party," Ball said in her statement. "And I have a message for any young woman who is thinking about running for office and has ever attended a costume party with her husband or done anything stupid on camera. Run for office. Fight for this country. Don't let this sort of tactic deter you."

    "Of course, I am embarrassed by these photos,that was the whole point of these political operatives when they put them up. But more than just embarrassed, I'm angry!," Ball continues. "I'm angry that when we are suffering from high unemployment, record budget deficits and a broken education system, that crass political operatives will resort to the politics of personal destruction when they can't talk about the issues."

    1. twogoats

      Yeah, she hasn't got a chance in Hell (another name for VA-1); she never did, but I like her response.

    2. edgydrifter

      Ooooooor, you could resist the urge to cram a dildo into your gullet on camera if you thought a run for political office might be in your immediate future.

    3. loquacioustunes

      "…crass political operatives will resort to the politics of personal destruction when they can't talk about the issues."

      And "issue" rhymes with "tissue," a box of which your ex-husband keeps on his bedside table, right next to the Lubriderm.

    4. Gopherit

      I dunno. Krystal, can't undo this, so she might as well own it. Tell us it was a hell of a great party. Don't claim embarrassment. They get what they want that way. The rest of her quote is spot on.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        That's Natalia Rudiak, Dem City Council candidate in Pittsburgh. No, I didn't do any research, it was the picture next to the one above. Hottie for the people!

  24. PuckStopsHere

    Krystal Ball is great and I'm gonna let her finish, but this is the best Wonkette headline of all time.

  25. Tundra Grifter

    Remember "The Complete Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide?" It had a chapter "How to Fend off a Charging Raindeer."

    I thought that was really silly until I saw the video of the Chrismas-time TV reporter attacked by a "pet' raindeer.

    Bet she wished she read the book.

    Meanwhile, what do does in the Artic do for fun? They go to the Elks Club and blow a few bucks.

  26. seppdecker

    Will Krystal Ball be the first dildo-fellating member of Congress?

    Are you saying she'll be caucusing with Lindsey Graham?

  27. Gleem_McShineys

    I am guessing the backlash here is that she is not depicted as trying to suck off one of the Founding Fathers? Because the press usually seems to fawn over that kind of display for all other candidates.

  28. mull_man

    Disappointing. I'd expect someone named Krystal Ball to have anticipated this. Also, that I'm not her husband. Now can she please marry Billy Crystal?

  29. lel2007

    I recall some republican politician getting ousted for take a "wide stance" in an airport toilet. Still, nothing compared to Teddy Kennedy's antics with the girls, he even drown one and never skip a political beat. The drunken old lech spent his weekends in his unda-pants chasing the young girls the kids brought home to rape.

  30. Redhead

    "Men are not animals you can simply exploit for your enjoyment at holiday parties"
    No, that's what women are for. Green balloons! Green balloons!

  31. lulzmonger

    Americans should be overjoyed that there's solid documentary evidence proving that a 2010 candidate is fully qualified to serve in Congress. Bobbing knobs isn't exactly an elective in DC, to put it mildly.

    Now I want to hear about bumper-stickers appearing that read, "I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M VOTING FOR THE DILDO-SUCKER."

  32. JMPEsq

    I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line
    I used to think that everything was fine
    Sometimes I'd like to sit and gaze for days through sleepless dreams
    All alone and trapped in time
    All alone and trapped in time

    I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
    Or am I even in it's mind at all
    Perhaps I'll get a chance to look ahead and see
    Soon as I find myself a Krystal Ball
    Soon as I find myself a Krystal Ball

  33. nachoproblem

    Jesus Christ, if you can't fellate your own husband's reindeer nose-dildo, then whose reindeer nose-dildo can you fellate?

    Wait a minute, did you say "then-husband?" *Schwing*

  34. indecencycmdr

    shutters go on windows. you are shuddering. you shudder to think. it used to be a band. or a song. this is why we are losing the 'not' war on terror.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Argh. I bet jus_wonderin feels like a dumb ass right now. I guess he could edit that, but he'd look more dumb assy.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Cut him some slack. He was watching Shudder Island and diggin on Leo, bit of a distraction.

  35. neiltheblaze

    When those pictures were taken she probably thought, "Aw, fuck it, it's not like I'm running for Congress, right?".

    The church ladies of her district will be aghast. The church fathers…..let's just say they might have some second thoughts in the privacy of the voting booth.

  36. transfatz

    "Men are not animals you can simply exploit for your enjoyment at holiday parties"
    Oink. We aren't? You can't? Then you can't blame me, I didn't know (goes back to rooting).

  37. BaldarTFlagass

    I've never seen one of those. Where can I get a nose-dildo? In addition to being the hit of the office Christmas party, I reckon I could double-dip and go as Pinocchio for Halloween.

  38. thefrontpage

    I dated this Krystal Ball for several months–she's really hot.

    And I think I also dated and slept with Krystal Balls in Miami, Vegas, L.A., Manhattan, Fresno, Oregon, Bismarck, Orlando, Baltimore (on the Block), D.C. (Good Guys), and possibly in Tijuana.

  39. guerillanation

    Surely she could have predicted these would come out. I mean, you have to believe she saw it coming …

  40. guerillanation

    Surely she could have predicted these would come out. I mean, you'd think she would have seen it coming.

  41. Advn2rgirl

    Tidewater, baby: Williamsburg, Yorktown, Gloucester, Mathews, the Northern Neck, on up to Fredericksburg. Come on down – we'll put you up in the guest room.

  42. ReturnToMetal

    I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me / or am I even in it's mind at all / perhaps I'll get a chance to look ahead and see / soon as I find my self someone to suck on the dildo I have on my nose …

    Yeah, doesn't quite work. (With apologies to Styx)

  43. Triscuits

    Eh, she looks like a lot of fun. And like a very dominant woman, which is I'm sure the main point of contention her opponents have against her.

  44. schvitzatura

    They're a couple of misfits
    They're a couple of misfits
    What's the matter with misfits
    That's where they fit in!

    King Moonracer gave Hermey special liberty from the Island of (Adult) Misfit Toys, for a night of cross-dressing debauchery with Miss Krystal Ball…

  45. Refudiation

    I was on the fence until these pictures showed up — when's the next Team Krystal meeting, again?

Comments are closed.