Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo

  island of misfit sex toys

This is what taxpayers want! Elect this woman!There is, remarkably, a 28-year-old woman who is running for Congress from Virginia named Krystal Ball (JESUS CHRIST, BAD PARENTS). As we have, apparently, noted in the past, this woman is quite attractive, in terms of fornication. But we wrote that before photos showed up on the Internet of her fellating a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dildo on her then-husband’s face at a Christmas party. Will Krystal Ball be the first dildo-fellating member of Congress? No, certainly not! Probably every current member of Congress has done this. But it’s still fun to see, right? Especially when there are quite a few of these photos?

Krystal Ball has responded by saying it’s really sexist to post these photos. Because it’s not sexist to post male members of Congress fellating dildos? We don’t understand. Let us enjoy these photos of you, lady. And if anyone has photos of any candidates for Congress, male or female, sucking on dildos, please send them along.

Stairway to Heaven

HEY! THAT WOMAN IS NOT HIS WIFE!

Here, Ball is contemplating what her position on capital punishment will be.

Aww, they seemed so happy together. Why did they divorce?

If anything, that last one is sexist. Men are not animals you can simply exploit for your enjoyment at holiday parties, Ball. Or maybe they are, if you want them to be. [TBD/Gawker/BVBL]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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