he's kosher

Rick Sanchez Releases Statement, Thanks CNN Jew Overlords

Burger King's newest assistant manager.Professional idiot Rick Sanchez has finally released a statement about those things he said about the Jews last week on a satellite radio show, and it turns out he is a bit sorry for saying those things that got him fired! “Despite what my tired and mangled words may have implied, they were never intended to suggest any sort of narrow-mindedness and should never have been made,” Sanchez said. Well, yes, nothing Rick Sanchez says is supposed to suggest narrow-mindedness or that he’s anything but a genius journalist, but somehow that doesn’t always seem to work out for him.

Rick Sanchez notes that he called and apologized to Jon Stewart, but he does not note that he visited the invisible pure-gold towers where the Jewish overlords live and beg their forgiveness and ask them not to eat him. If he hasn’t done that, he should, because those Jews are very powerful and probably could freeze him in carbonite with a flick of the wrist toward an awaiting servant.

This was also in Sanchez’s statement:

There are no hard feelings — just excitement about a new future of opportunities.

I look forward to my next step with great anticipation.

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Rick Sanchez looks forward to his new job as a work-from-home telemarketer? [HuffPo]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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98 comments

  1. finallyhappy

    As a member of ZOG, I forgive Rick Sanchez -he is a stupid bigot but I will not eat him- he is treif.

  2. Troubledog

    Carbonite?! That shit is *dear*. Jews don't waste carbonite on people they never want to thaw.

    1. GuanoFaucet

      "The RickWow, holds 12 times it's weight in stupid! It's like a retard, douchebag, and bigot all in one!"

  3. charlesdegoal

    He takes back all tired and mangled words he uttered over his entire career. Ready for a fresh start now.

  4. DemonicRage

    Eew! This brought to mind some of the references to "Dirty Sanchez" in previous postings, so I looked it up on line in a dictionary of Urban slang. Sorry I went there.

          1. GOPCrusher

            You know you've hit rock bottom when you find yourself wandering the streets at night looking to score an Alabama Hot Pocket.

  5. JMPEsq

    Rick has already taken his first step towards the future opportunities to employ vapid meaningless cliches.

          1. Troubledog

            Little Ricky was an anchor baby.

            So was Michelle Malkin, but she works for FoxJEWS, and not Cable JEWS Network, so we don't mention the fact that her parents were here from the Philippines on a student visa when she was born, or ask for her birth certificate, or anything like that.

  6. CapnFatback

    Rick Sanchez released a statement Wednesday apologizing for what he called "inartful," "tired and mangled" words that he said "were never intended to suggest any sort of narrow-mindedness and should never have been made."

    If only he had made those comments through the use of a teleprompter, I would have assumed he was just a good Hispanic anchor.

  7. Rambone

    It's gonna take much more cock-sucking than that to make amends, Rick. The good news is that most of them will be circumcised so they won't leave a "gamey" taste in your mouth . . .

    1. problemwithcaring

      Please. You've got to have real fame to be on taht show and he's no Castoff From The Bachelor 3 years ago.

  8. GuyClinch

    Just saw Sanchez selling shorthand pencils outside the Natl Press Club on 14th St. Way to bounce back, fella!

  9. GuanoFaucet

    Just three words, Rick: jet ski banditry. There's a great future in jet ski banditry. Think about it. Will you think about it?

  10. SmutBoffin

    I was looking into a career in professional idiocy, but my application was rejected by the accredition board*.

    *Larry the Cable Guy, William Kristol, and Piper Palin.

  11. elviouslyqueer

    Rick, Meg Whitman's on line two. She said that once you're done using her private phone, she wants you to scrub the toilets, mow the lawn, clean the pool, and bring her a fresh G&T. Oh, and she wondered why you weren't wearing the Speedo microthong she bought you as your uniform.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Too true. Plus, working for Megs might result in a few too many "hard feelings," amirite?

  12. JackDempsey1

    He is taking his mad geography skillz to the Weather Channel.
    "This hurricane is threatening the entire east coast, which is not a good thing for my relatives in Montana. Hunker down, Uncle Bob."

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    Here's what to do next time this sort of thing happens, Rick: find something in the bible where Jesus is condemning somebody, (in this case, Jews,) then say you are indeed the "Jesus" in the current hullabaloo you've created, and folks should, you know, "be careful" criticizing you because the fact you are Jesus. Wear that motherfucking infallibility like a cloak, in other words. Works for the AFA (or so they would like to think.)

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Professional idiots seem to be getting paid some pretty good money these days.

    Maybe he isn’t as stupid as he is dumb.
    Ooooh, that makes my head hurt.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    "There are no hard feelings" — how nice for him not to hold a grudge against the millions of people he insulted for no reason. Now it's that bigot Jon Stewart's turn to apologize.

  16. V572625694

    HuffPo doesn't link to Sanchez' actual statement, so we have only this to work on:

    Sanchez released a statement Wednesday apologizing for what he called "inartful," "tired and mangled" words that he said "were never intended to suggest any sort of narrow-mindedness and should never have been made."

    So, the tired, mangled, inartful words should never have been "made?" No comprende, Señor Sanchez. Perhaps you mean "spoken," and perhaps you mean, "I shouldn't have said this." But you are to be congratulated for finding a sufficiently vapid, passive-voice way of stating this so that it is apparently Samuel Johnson's fault, or perhaps Daniel Webster's fault, but certainly not yours. Go forth and prosper, El Estupido!

    1. Barrelhse

      Not his fault. If nobody had made those words in the first place, he could never have used them. It's as clear as Jesus' hatred and anger.

  17. Mort_Sinclair

    Sanchez has the critical thinking skills of a frozen dog turd. I don't why he's bothering to put himself through this. All he has to do is check out the "Help Wanted" at Fox. They'll find a place for him in a nanosecond despite the fact that he's sorta brown.

    1. grendelg

      No, BECAUSE he's brown… They've got their quota of ladies now, but Geraldo is the only brown they have… and he's really more of a cafe au lait. His mustache though… that's pure 70's Mexican porn.

      1. transfatz

        He can't do anything but sell out now.
        Fox might not want him but I like to think about it. It's so Zen. If he worked for Fox he'd be proving his own point.

  18. imissopus

    Like Dr. Laura, he's now free to reclaim his First Amendment rights.

    Also saying the comments "should never have been made" is such a mealy-mouthed apology. How about saying "I never should have made those comments." Using the passive voice does not make them less shitty, Rick.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      You forget, Dr. Laura's rights were taken away from here by black people, but Sanchez lost his rights to the Jews, and there is no escaping their control. Not in the media, anyway.

      1. MarionNYNY

        I wouldn't hold the passive voice thing against him. His first language uses reflexive forms to avoid personal responsibility — the floor dirties itself, the machine breaks itself, etc. Rick just got lost in translation.

  19. Failed_2_Menace

    Exhaustion is a completely viable rationale for his remarks, because everyone knows tiredness is like an express train to the utterance of things you consider anathema when you've had a nap.

  20. Sepatown!

    May the benevolent Tennessee Jesus bless his home with a fiery kiss.

    (end sarcasm, Hi DoHS masters!)

  21. Extemporanus

    "I look forward to my next step with great anticipation."

    Much as a goldfish in a bowl looks forward to its next invisible obstacle.

      1. Extemporanus

        One of my earliest childhood memories is that of my mischievously nerdy father explaining to me — after I'd just taken a rather nasty header down our gravel-and-sadness-strewn driveway — that the act of walking was, in fact, really nothing more than a controlled form of falling. Had I been allowed to chew gum at the time, I've little doubt that such a self-concious mind fuck of a factoid would've rendered my preferred mode of ambulation hands-and-knee-bound to this very day.

        And if you'll forgive the admittedly maudlin further reminiscence, I'd just like to add that my family has a rather tragic history involving fish of the "gold" variety:

        The first (and only) goldfish I ever had traumitized me to no end as I sat and contemplated — for hour upon hour — its lonely, constrained, depressingly futile existence. I was somewhat mollified only after my dad explained to me that the brain of a goldfish is so small that it can't remember things that happened more than 30 seconds or so prior, thus meaning that each time it banged its dumb fish face into the side of its bowl, it felt like a new (and exciting?) experience.*

        The first (and only) goldfish that my little sister ever had died its first day in our home as the result of a well-intentioned, yet catastrophic, over-feeding incident. She scrawled the heartbreaking words "DONT JUS LIE THER SWIM!!" in purple Crayola marker on a paper plate that she placed face down atop its bowl, to no avail.

        The first (and only) goldfish that my little brother ever had died its first day in our home as the result of him having it join him for his afternoon nap. Despite repeated washings, the "Shroud of Turin"-like image that its scaly corpse left behind on his Winnie-the-Pooh pillow case never did fade entirely away — not just from the fabric, but from my memory most of all.

        *(A few years ago, a scientific study determined that — contrary to conventional wisdom — goldfish do indeed possess a functional form of long-term-ish memory, as evidenced by their ability to repeat rudimentary routines with increasing efficiency, such as navigating simple mazes, and recognizing reward-related symbols.

        So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is this:

        If Hell truly does exist, I fully expect to find myself there after I die, crammed in a crappy, cloudy, tear-and-feces-filled glass enclosure, while "Fin the Goldfish" — and "Fluffy the Hermit Crab", and "Spike the Anole Lizard", and "Cunsuelo the Rat", and "Patty the Sophomore Year Girlfriend", and "etc." — mock me mercilessly with foodless finger taps of cruel indifference.

        I'll make a great pet…)

        1. Barrelhse

          The only hope I may offer, and I am an optimist (at least enough of one to have stayed away from suicide so far), is this: maybe they'll blow marijuana smoke on you to see what you'll do.

  22. prommie

    Cocktober has come at last, in great spurts, and her name is the thoroughly porn-y "Crystal Ball." If your name is Ball, how in the fucking wide world of sports do you decide to call your daughter "Crystal?" No wonder she wound up publicly blowing a dildo, which is gonna bode not well for her congressional campaign.

    1. transfatz

      This is off topic.
      Krystal (so it's worse than you thought).
      Publicly blowing a dildo may not be good for her campaign but that is what congress actually does.
      She kicks ass in "hot" recognition though.

  23. kittylittr

    "I look forward to my next step with great anticipation."

    The clerks at the unemployment office are all atwitter at the chance to help you file.

  24. Clancy_Pants

    Oxyclean's been needing a new pitchman since Billy Mays untimely end.
    Or Shamwow? Have they replaced their sales leader who beat up the hooker?
    Lots of opportunity there Mr. Sanchez if you know where to look.

    1. Beowoof

      I don't know about that, I am sure there are some of us Jews who would love to slap chop his nuts.

  25. chicken_thief

    Sanchez. What a dumb ass. Everybody – even tired people, knows that Jews only run the banking and movie industries…

    And wtf is with the "new future of opportunities"?! My guess is that the only new thing in his future is that all the good opportunities disappeared…

    1. Barrelhse

      I'm thinking they might have control of the Discount Furniture Store industry, as well. Be very careful.

  26. lochnessmonster

    I can think of a few things he could do. Open his own business translating Spanish/English, teach people how to use those big touch screen/computer boards so they can zoom in on maps, or learn how to paint and sell his paintings on Etsy to make ends meet while out of work.

  27. loquacioustunes

    I look forward to my next step with great anticipation.

    2) Came to believe that a Palin greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

  28. WALLYPIP

    You've got to give Sanchez credit. It was like witnessing a kind of counterintuitive performance art to bask in his perfect storm of pedestrian and idiotic and exuberant pomposity. I've seen entire wings of airport terminals mesmerized by his exquisite drivel. I love this country.

  29. ActaNonVerba00

    American Jews make up only 2% of the population of America. Yet: 46% make over $100,000 per year, they make up 15% of the U.S. Senate, 13% of the U.S. House of Representatives, 67% of members of the Board of the Federal reserve, 33% of the U.S. Supreme Court. Media: Just taking CNN only, 55% of corporate officers for TBS, which owns CNN, are Jewish. On air, Larry King, John King, Howard Kurtz, Eliot Slpitzer, Jeffrey Toobin, Paula Zahn, etc.. Rick Sanchez has nothing to apologize for.

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