fact-checking themselves

Todd Palin E-mail No Big Deal Because Palins Say It Isn’t

Best depicted in crayon on a wingnut's living room wall.Todd and Sarah Palin have responded to the leak of Todd’s e-mail to Joe Miller yesterday, and it’s basically, “What? That wasn’t controversial. Lamestream media!” Earlier this afternoon, Todd sent a message to The Weekly Standard, saying his “wires got crossed” with Joe Miller (is that a sex thing?) and that “Joe hadn’t said anything like what I’d been told.” Except Joe Miller obviously did say something like what he’d been told, BECAUSE HE DIDN’T SAY HE WAS ENDORSING SARAH FOR PRESIDENT. The Palins want to say it’s a simple misunderstanding, so the lamestream media should simply follow along and do exactly what the Palins say. But more importantly, Todd Palin is mad at you, Wonketteers, for finding and posting his e-mail address.

Here’s the statement:

My family has worked hard in supporting Joe Miller, so when I heard he’d said something less than supportive of my wife’s efforts, I responded. But it turns out we’d gotten our wires crossed and Joe hadn’t said anything like what I’d been told. So there’s no story here except the fact that the press put our personal emails online again, and again couldn’t even be bothered to conceal our email addresses or take any steps to protect our privacy.

Well, the site that leaked the e-mail, The Mudflats, did try to conceal those personal e-mail addresses. But a Wonkette commenter discovered you could get them from the document anyway, and now Todd Palin’s e-mail address is on the Internet. The Mudflats then took down the document and put up a copy that was not text-based, but the damage was done. Now stop sending Todd Palin photos of your genitals and cats, Wonketteers. Todd Palin is obviously annoyed.

Sarah Palin tweeted this about the subject:

That apostrophe at the end is sure helping you displce a lot of letters, Sara'.

Does she mean “There’s no there there”? Isn’t “there, there” an old thing to say to comfort a sad child or puppy? Whatever. If a Palin says it, it must be true. [Weekly Standard/Twitter]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Fare la Volpe

    "Now stop sending Todd Palin photos of your genitals and cats, Wonketteers"

    Not like he's seeing a pussy any other way.

    • iburl

      At least not one without human teeth

    • CthuNHu

      Maybe he is seeing pussy some other way —

      Following the Google link leads to three results right now: the pdf, Wonkette, and this [NSFW!!]

  • bumfug

    I think he meant "protect our privacy unless we're getting paid."

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

    But still cool to send picture's of our cat's genitals, right?

    Because I didn't get all these scratch marks for nothing I hope.

    • Extemporanus

      Cats have genitals?!

      Well, there goes my afternoon!

  • ph7

    I'm pleased to hear my communiqué reached Todd's inner sanctum.

  • DashboardBuddha

    To: Palins
    From: The reality based world
    Date: 10/6/2010
    RE: Privacy

    Todd, you and the rest of the Wassilla Hillbillies have made yourselves public figures. You have no privacy. Get used to it.

    • Wadisay

      The First Amendment protects the Palins from press. Read your constitution.

  • MoeDeLawn

    Obamar needs to confiscate all Palin punctuation and give to health care czars so it can be distributed appropriately.

  • Extemporanus

    These aren't the tards we're looking for…

  • Krugmanic Depressive

    Fucking up high modernist bon mots? She's PalinStein's monster.

    • V572625694

      Who knew Todd could quote old Gertrude? Maybe there's some "there" there.

      Nah…fuggedaboutit.

  • archikvetch

    paraphrasing the lesbians will cause armanhammergedon

  • natoslug

    I'm' n'ot sen'din' m'y gnitales pitchers' of Todd's Impa'lin, know how, no whey.

    • user-of-owls

      Tell it to Little Miss Muffett.

  • Crank_Tango

    thank you for sparing me the time of making the same comment. WTF?

  • Terry

    So, do you think the Palins' lawyer had contacted the editors at the Mudflats yet?

  • sussemilch

    Shoe's.

    • sussemilch

      I made sure to update his Wikipedia page under misc., noting his inability to distinguish plurals and possessives and providing the email as reference.

  • the_onceler

    What does Sarah Palin have against Oakland? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gertrude_Stein

    • BerkeleyBear

      You think she had a clue she was qouting Gertie Stein and not Yogi Berra? No damn chance.

      BTW, Oakland still is defensive about that, even though Ms. Stein insisted i twas about her memories rather than anything negative about the city.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    they should protect the palins' privacy by putting that Dancin' show on closed-circuit tv

  • http://www.ghostnote.net Buzz Feedback

    Imagine the havoc Goebbels could have wreaked with a Twitter account.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Ummm…I don't think we have to actually imagine something very much like it anymore.

  • Rambone

    The Palins are truly 'tard-tastic!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Todd's oafish email kinda laid bare the Snowbilly Queen's campaign to be Preznit in 2012.

    I strongly suspect that petty Sarah freaked out on Todd for exposing her "plan" and banned him from the intertubes for a while. Today's Twat was more of her putting her best Tattooed upper lip forward.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Like, what would I do with either Joe Miller's or Todd Palin's email addresses if I WERE able to glean them from a pdf document…

    • jus_wonderin

      Enter his name in those "Win a free laptop" pop-ups or subscribe either of them to Sexy Farm Animals Monthly. Or, give it to the Nigerian Uncle that wants to give away one million dollars (that just happens to be sitting idle in some account somewhere).

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Put your wire in close proximity to his wire, in hopes that wires will get crossed as is their wont.

  • freakishlywrong

    For once I agree with the snowbilly. There really is no THERE there. Now, if the LSM would just ignore them, maybe they would just go away. As if. Also.

  • obfuscator2

    what is the value of substituting "tryin'" for "trying"? it's the same number of characters. is it really that important to come across as "regular folks"? really, i was aware that the palins were Real Americans when they revealed themselves to be ignorant, petty, vindictive, cynical scumbags.

    what a couple of assholes.

  • Lucidamente1

    Can I still send him photos of my cat's genitals?

  • axmxz

    You just need to put yourself in her shoe’s Joe, and then everything will make sense. if "sense" is the word to use here.

  • Wadisay

    Has anybody, in the history of the world, ever gotten more of a free ride from an institution they vilify than these scam artists?

    • JMPEsq

      The media should be like those nice people at Fox and only report on the Palins' actions when it makes them look good and ignore everything else; to do otherwise is liberal bias.

      • Jukesgrrl

        When it makes them look good … and pays them. That's the key.

        She'd go on Rachel Maddow's program if her FOX contract allowed it AND Rachel paid her. Babble Spice is plenty delusional enough to believe she could successfully debate someone like Rachel. She just wouldn't show her mug on MSNBC for less than a million. Palin remembers all the homework she had to do to stand up to "Can I call you Joe?" Biden. She hates thinkin' 'n stuff, also.

    • Ducksworthy

      Rasputin comes to mind.

      • Steverino247

        But Rasputin was killed. We should be so lucky.

        • GeneralLerong

          But it took a lot of tries – knifing, poison, gun shots, drowning in an icy river, burning the remains.

  • Trinket

    I have never been prouder to be a Wonketteer.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Perhaps Todd had been told that Miller had said that Sarah Palin was qualified to be President?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    These aren't the vengeful emails your looking for …., you can go about your business.

  • V572625694

    The Palins' handling of this matter can only be described as ham-biscuited.

    Been waiting a long time for the opportunity to use that one.

  • OneYieldRegular

    The title of tomorrow's Ken Layne post concerning everything that's awful in the United States of 2010:

    "2010: There's no "There, there" in America."

  • BornInATrailer

    Question, how did these two manage to have any children that were *not* retarded?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Did they?

    • Steverino247

      "Regression to the mean" is the principle you're looking for.

    • AutomaticPilot

      The jury is still out on that. We know about Trig. We know for sure that Bristol is no Rhodes Scholar. We don't yet know enough about Trick and Pooper. Am I leaving anyone out? Ah, who the hell cares…

  • SayItWithWookies

    You know how you never invite idiots over to your parties because when two of them get a little tipsy they always end up fighting, and after you sort shit out it turns out to be over what one of 'em thought the other one said but didn't, and then you tell 'em if they'd taken a minute or two to just figure out what the truth was none of their stupid drama would've ever happened, and then to compensate for their own idiocy they start bitching about how everybody's all up in their business, and then after the second or third go 'round of this you just stop having them over? Anyway, this is just a roundabout way of introducing my DWTS spinoff, Shitkicking in the Dark with Has-Beens. On the Teabagger channel, 24/7, bitches — watch it.

    • jus_wonderin

      I do think I would watch that if it had a Drinking Game aspect to it. And instead of voting off the contestants we actually get to kick them off.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        They had epic fights in Bristol Bay back in the day. Both drinking and cheating with impunity. Good times. . .Todd often sported LOTSO scratches and bruises. Until they grew up more and matured and took it out on the refrigerator door instead.

  • doxastic

    "there, there"

    One of Todd's extra apostrophes just wandered away and got itself stuck upside-down in Sarah's Twitters. Incidentally, that's how Trig was conceived.

    • OneDollarJuana

      He really meant "their, they're".

  • WarAndGee

    "or take any steps to protect our privacy."

    PRIVACY! You stupid childish FUCKERS are media whores. You want to be in my face all the time!

    (I'm close to being fired because i yelled this at the top of my lungs and now little eyes are peering over cubicle walls)

  • Missyb9479

    Of course Sarah had a typo. She only worked on that facebook post for 18 hours. It was a rush hour by her normal standards.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Well, I may not have any dick pics or Lolcatz images handy, but I'm thinking Todd would appreciate my metric ton of tentacle porn, you betcha!

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

    I don't know it that is true. Considering my cat get's mad at me for days for kicking it and it's poop paws off the kitchen counter, I kind of think that it would get irreversibly mad for getting a stabby hook way up in it's cat-gina.

    But they do seem to fuck a lot so…what do I know. I mean, what I know about cat fucking – well, let's just say I haven't done the research that Carl Paladino has.

    • Extemporanus

      It's not true — the truth is worse:

      "The female will utter a loud yowl as the male pulls out of her. This is because a male cat's penis has a band of about 120-150 backwards-pointing spines, which are about one millimeter long; upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female's vagina, which is a trigger for ovulation. This act also occurs to clear the vagina from other sperm in the context of a 2nd (or more) mating, thus giving the latter males a larger chance of conception.

      After mating, the female will wash her vulva thoroughly. If a male attempts to breed with her at this point, the female will attack him. After about 20 to 30 minutes, once the female is finished grooming, the cycle will repeat."

      Thank goodness I read that when I did, or I'd have one very pissed-off pussy on my prick.

      The more you know!

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

        Today from intelligent design: dicks covered in needles.

        Thanks god!

      • OneDollarJuana

        One thing I learnt from this is that male cats are lousy lovers, and the female cats have to finish themselves off with a little oral self-love. Are you listening, Christine?

      • DashboardBuddha

        Thanks Extem…I think. I'd like to see who sat on the design committee for that one when god was putting the whole thing together.

        God: Ok, next up cats. They're mammals…any suggestions that their mating should be different in any way?

        Archangel Mike: We should put spines on the male's penis.

        God: Dear me…why would you do such a thing?

        Archangel Mike: I fuckin' hate cats.

        God: But what about the humans that are kept away by the cries?

        Archangel Mike: I fuckin' hate them too.

        God: Sounds good to me. Draw up a blueprint and I'll make it happen.

        • Extemporanus

          HA!

          I'm guessing the design committee looked something like THIS

      • nachoproblem

        Thank goodness I only have female cats! At least I don't have to worry about anything with a spiny dick sleeping on my head.

        • MrsBiggTime

          If the Teabaggers win, we'll all have spiny dicks sleeping on our heads. At least their bags, anyway.

          • nachoproblem

            Come to that, I guess something with a Spiny Dick slept on all our heads for eight years not so long ago. But at least I didn't have to pet him or play with him.

      • Chet Kincaid

        So, the technology used to prevent rental fleet vehicles from being stolen out of the Hertz parking lot was inspired by watching cats fucking?

        • Extemporanus

          That explains why it Hertz if I pull out too quickly.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      I'd take a picture of my cat's penis, but unfortunately I don't have the equipment to take photomicrographs.

      • Extemporanus

        PRO TIP: If you have a female cat that you wish to drill, take a plaster cast of a male cat's penis and use it to create a dick bit for your Dremel fucking machine.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    "We somehow got our wires crossed" sure does make it all go away. Nobody can dispute the crossing of wires which I claim took place. It's beautiful because it's so simple.

  • MsElla

    She even drops her Gs in writing??? What a phony, stage-managed bitch.

  • DaSandman

    The wires got crossed alright. They mixed up the one that went on the tongue with the once you placed up the ass. Some call Dick "No Pulse" Cheney and get the fucking instructions. And we're gonna need anothr heathen gay swarthy librtard terrorist for Piper to practice on.

  • jus_wonderin

    I think "There, there" is Lady Gaga's next release. It will be a chart topper.

    "Getcha there, there baby. Getcha there, there.
    She turned on her heel, askin' "there, where?.
    But you could see that she was bare there,
    And she didn't wanna wear there,
    Like nature's Mama Grizzly Bear there.

    There, there. Come on getcha there, there.
    Ain't no fair if you gotta use the Nair there."

    • Jukesgrrl

      Is that you, Lady G?

  • __kth__

    It's an urban legend that Gertrude Stein was referring to Oakland in her famous quip. In fact, she was referring Sarah Palin's cranium.

  • Ruhe

    Is anybody else shocked that Joe Miller didn't endorse Palin? Why wouldn't he? Is it possible that even though he hasn't won yet he's already a "Washington insider" and so is "keeping his powder dry" so that when the time comes his "options are open"? Or maybe he honestly doesn't feel he can endorse Palin because maybe he thinks she's an idiot. Or maybe the quid pro quo was supposed to include a blow job and he's still waiting for Todd to deliver.

  • Mumbletypeg

    I was waiting for the tired excuse to be presented to Todd's Lamestream audience, a page taken from the playbook of Grizzly Joe himself, in blaming a campaign volunteer for his TweetMails gone rogue.

  • hooray4anything

    I'm surprised Todd didn't just say that what he did was the right thing to do and thus something Jesus would say was the right thing to do

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Todd is toad?

    • http://iwastoldtheredbeponies.wordpress.com kittylittr

      Yes, and he graduated in 1982 and he uses gmail. But I'm not telling you what his email address is, because that would be an invasion of the media whore's privacy.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Stop bashing Sarah, folks!

    By the time she "punches up" the TWITTER and "logs on top of it", her palms are so sweaty the ink is running and she can't read her message anymore.

  • skytrucker

    The man said there's no story here, so why can't you people just do what you're told and stop looking for one? Have you no decency? Look, Todd is simply trying to get his wife elected President/God, so why does everybody have to make a federal case out of it? Especially the lame stream media, which is so lame. Like a stream that doesn't flow because it's crippled and can only hobble. Hahaha. Stupid stream!

    • Jukesgrrl

      He should be shooting for Secretary of State. That way he could enjoy the Washington limelight AND have his wife out of the country for 350 days of the year. Some guy who's smarter than Todd figured that out.

  • PalinPussyPower

    I love the folksy way she's droppin' her g's from her twitterin'. It makes her so endearin'. Also too.

  • neiltheblaze

    For attention whores, they sure do like their privacy.

    • ReturnToMetal

      Actually, you should say, "For privacy advocates, they sure do love their attention."

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Which again is odd when Todd hisses to the Homer Alaska teacher and phone cam guy that "They can't get enough of her."

        Then again, I think he's jealous, cause he can't get any at all from that bag of bones.

  • PsycWench

    Some people MIGHT think "I heard that guy wasn't doing right by my wife, maybe I should ASK HIM ABOUT IT before tweeting about how pissed I am". Some people that don't live in Wasilla, that is.

  • Sassomatic

    Okay, so someone said that Joe said that Sarah was like, maybe not qualified to be president, and then Sarah was all I am so not posting this awesome Facebook status about you. And so Todd totally emailed him and was like "Endorsement. Hello!?" So then a bunch of people saw the email and Todd was all Joe totally didn't say what I said he said. And Sarah was all Yeah Lamestream Media. So there! there!

    So yeah, Sarah's totally gonna be Homecoming Queen. Or president, whatever.

  • ReturnToMetal

    The word is "trying," you dizzy bimbo.

    That woman … IS AN IDIOT!

  • Jukesgrrl

    I accidentally saw five minutes of Joe Scarborough's pukefest this morning (last night for me) and the panel's comments on this brouhaha were hilarious.

    Mika had trouble reading Todd's E-mails without making a mistake (some of the words had two syllables). Then Joe thought it was simply a scream that Todd claimed Sarah had "spent all morning writing a Facebook entry praising Miller." The reason Joe thought that was so funny? "It took her all morning to type 140 characters!?! Ha ha ha!" The joke was on Joe that he doesn't know the difference between a Tweet and a Facebook entry, but no one on his esteemed panel was smart enough to correct him. Pat Buchanan hasn't even heard of E-mail yet and Mika can't count.

    Maybe I should watch Morning Joe more often. It's truly an amazing look at the stupidity of America's so-called "insiders."

  • valgal2342

    Well, you can tell Todd didn't write the statement.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Think I'll email him and see if he has a recipe for hot dogs.

    Seriously, Toad? For real? Ugh. How fitting.

  • elpinche

    It's too late. They cancelled those email accounts. Uhhhh, so I hear.

  • kevinpaul

    I'll have you know that Sarah Palin is no idiot. She just quoted Gertrude Stein.

  • rocktonsam

    and the Palin children are still neglected.

    Run Trig, run for your life boy!

  • GOPCrusher

    I bet Tawd had wished that he would have went old school and just stuck a moose head in Joe Miller's bed.

  • lochnessmonster

    I agree, Todd Palin is no big deal, neither is Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pit Bull Palin. Yet the "lamestreammedia" keep reporting every little blip in their lives.

  • CalamityJames

    Ahem….*aloud*

  • Thedongsofwar

    So I'll/Keep on tryin'/I'm Through with lyin'/Just like the sun above/I'll come shinin'
    through/Yes I will/Oh yes I'll keep on tryin'/I'm tired of cryin'/I got to find a way/To get on home to you

    I heard that song on "Bones". OMIGOD TEMPY AND BOOTH 4EVR!

  • transfatz

    Sarah and Yasser Arafat stuck a wooden sword into that baby's head. What about that Todd?

  • MilwaukeeKent

    In the future, everyone will be famous 4:15 minutes

  • mavenmaven

    Wow, if Palin knew what it insinuates in quoting Gertrude Stein…

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Isn’t “there, there” an old thing to say to comfort a sad child or puppy?

    Sarah don't do compassion. . .or love and affection (see any published photo of eldest Palin child Track, frightening.) See her try to go in for what passes for a "hug" with Bristol on a PR DWTS clip? Both Palin mama's wanted to be anywhere but there, there.

  • PublicLuxury

    Why does The Todd always remind of a serial killer? Everytime I see a picture of the guy I lock my door again and check my windows.