COMPASSION IF THE PRICE IS RIGHT  1:37 pm October 6, 2010

AFA: Jesus Wanted Firefighters To Let That House Burn

by Jack Stuef

'Lo, I said PAY YOUR FUCKING FIREFIGHTER FEE'Bryan Fischer at the American Family Association’s blog has heard about this situation with the family that didn’t pay their $75 annual fee to be rescued from dying in a house fire, and he has thankfully decided for us What Would Jesus Have Done. Jesus would have shown compassion, right? Haha, no, do you think Jesus was a fag or something? This guy’s blog post is, in all seriousness, entitled “Firefighters did the Christian thing in letting house burn to the ground.” Oh, right, of course.

By the way, you have to highlight the text to see any of this, because apparently the AFA doesn’t understand you shouldn’t put black text on a black background.

The fire department did the right and Christian thing. The right thing, by the way, is also the Christian thing, because there can be no difference between the two. The right thing to do will always be the Christian thing to do, and the Christian thing to do will always be the right thing to do.

This is truly an amazing statement. But more importantly: Everybody gets a slave! You get a slave! You get a slave! You get a slave! We all gets slaves! The Christian Bible says it’s right, so you must get a slave!

In this case, critics of the fire department are confused both about right and wrong and about Christianity. And it is because they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity that is only about softer virtues such as compassion and not in any part about the muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility and accountability.

GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY. God doesn’t love you, God loves extreme libertarianism. Anything else is GAY.

Jesus once told a parable about 10 virgins attending a wedding feast, five of whom failed to replenish the oil in their lamps when they had the chance. The bridegroom came when they were out frantically searching for oil, and by the time they made it back to the party, the door was shut tight. The bridegroom – the Christ figure in the story – refused to open the door, saying “Truly, I say to you, I do not know you” (Matthew 25:13).

The critics of South Fulton thereby implicate themselves as accusers of Christ himself, making him out to be both cold and heartless. They may want to be careful about that.

Yeah, you guys better be careful accusing Jesus of being compassionate. You don’t want to see Jesus when that dude is angry. That dude will fuck you up.

(Actually, that parable in Matthew was about being prepared for the coming of the Lord, but whatever.) [AFA]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 163 comments }

Lucidamente1 October 6, 2010 at 1:43 pm

"they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity": unlike the AFA, which likes its Jeebus butch.

Ruhe October 6, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Yeah! It's not that the "feminized" Christianity is gay, it's that the real "muscular" Christianity is gay. No doubt when these AFA guys get together some of them must complain that they want to meet men from outside the AFA because "around here, everybody wants to be the man, you know?"

Swampgas_Man October 6, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Reminds me of an old Fundie tract — "Jesus had short hair."

Ducksworthy October 6, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Black on black is the only way to go with hideous satanic homoerotic perversions of xtinaity

DDDintensified October 6, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Where do I comment on Ken's 6,001st post, the one about David Hasselhoff?

emberglance October 6, 2010 at 1:45 pm

It's like, how much more black could that article be? And the answer is, none.

MagicCookie October 6, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Too funny! I love that movie.

grendelg October 6, 2010 at 2:15 pm

This Jesus goes up to 11

SystemError October 6, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Yes, but why not make 10 holier and 10 be the top number and make that a little holier?

axmxz October 6, 2010 at 2:58 pm

11 inches?

johnnyzhivago October 6, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Letting the house burn to the ground was the Christian thing to do, for sure. But the if the firemen had really loved God in the proper, masculine way, they would have gone the extra distance and thrown rocks at the homeowner and tied his family up and set them on fire too.

WelcomeThrillho October 6, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Good show. You win the internet today.

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Jesus and the Apostles did often beat up lepers and occasionally indulge in a round of "Leper Fighting" when the mood struck them.

BaldarTFlagass October 6, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Was that anything like "dwarf tossing?"

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Close. It's when you pay two lepers to fight each other and then stand around and watch it. Sadly, as there was no YouTube in 30 AD Jerusalem, Leper Fighting is not nearly as entertaining as it is now.

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Well since recent studies have verified that atheists tend to outscore their Christian counterparts in actual knowledge of the bible by a wide margin, then the pragmatic agnostic in me is going with Stuef's exegesis over AFA's, natch.

blinky_twinkie October 6, 2010 at 2:22 pm

You're going to make me look up "exegesis," aren't you? Bastard. (Wonder what the definition is on Urban Dictonary…)

Mumbletypeg October 6, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Urban Dictionary?! Just be careful not to type "excrete" instead of "exegete"

WelcomeThrillho October 6, 2010 at 1:46 pm

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Kitty_Sanchez October 6, 2010 at 4:27 pm

I totally understand why you feel that way. But don't despair. I'm a Christian, and I think this AFA Jesus is loathsome. In fact, if I had been one of the volunteer firefighters on duty there, I would've totally defied the AFA Jesus (and the volunteer fire dept rules), and I would've been spraying water and rescuing animals totally indiscriminately, even if it means I'll go to Hell for it (except I don't believe in Hell, unless Hell = Galt's Gulch).

Anyway, I'll bet most Christians would think the AFA Jesus is a loathsome fantasy. My point is, most of us are totally NOT ANYTHING LIKE these AFA goblins. We totally get along with and love atheists, agnostics, and *gasp* muslins, and we don't care who people want to have sex with or marry, so long as nobody gets abused or disrespected.

WelcomeThrillho October 6, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Funny, you don't *sound* very Christian.

Kitty_Sanchez October 6, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Prolly 'cause the only sounds you've heard have been from insane creeps who call themselves Christian.

There are lots of Christians out here who believe that it's more important to act on our faith than to speak (or yell) about it. So we keep our damn mouths shut and work to feed, clothe, shelter, and secure justice for our less fortunate brethren.

Autymn D. C. October 8, 2010 at 10:15 am

Meaning you pick and choose which verses you want to follow.

Jèsu's lines were stolen from Mithra, his sermons from Apollonius of Tyana, and his person from Dagon. The Toràh and Gospels are not historic. There was no original sin in Tànàc; sin expires after four generations as written in the 12 (yes, 12) commandments, and it would contradict Jèsu's sermon about the good and bad trees and fruit, which itself contradicts his sermon about cuttan a limb off if it makes you sin.

Other preachings from this Jèsu: Hate your mother and father and household; hate the world; sell everything and take up the sword; die for your beliefs to be blessed; do not wed, mate, or breed;

Autymn D. C. October 8, 2010 at 10:16 am

cut off your limb if it makes you sin; get castrated to be blessed; don't worry, any food is clean; get mad at fruit trees out of season and smite them down; break a whole bunch of laws and say it was god's plan so you can be arrested and tried and found guilty; tell followers to do stuff (Petro) and then scold them when they do it; twist the meanings of words (death and sleep of Lazarus) and then lige about it when someone catches you; believe in a flat earth with a bery so tall one could see all kingdoms; make a bunch of predictions to soon fail (end of the world in one generation and no death, no stone on Temple still up–see wailing wall); threaten to murder the whole world if they don't believe… and that's only what's wrong in the Gospels. Jèsu was a [fictional] racist who came not to die for Obama or any of us, but for his own kind. He would call a outsider woman who came to ask for his help to heal her dauhter a bi​tch.

Autymn D. C. October 8, 2010 at 10:17 am

"The Myth of the Historical Veracity of Jesus", "Jesus never existed", "Jesus Seminar", "Yeshu HaNotzri", "The God who wasn't there", "The Beast Movie","The Failure of Daniel's Prophecies", "Letting Go of God", Skeptics Annotated Bible, 1000mistakes, Internet Infidels, nakedemperor netfirms, NoBeliefs, God is Imaginary, Why won't God heal amputees, The Hagarene Teaching…

The wicked believe in Gods or prayer. Scriptures are but pap and swill for small-brained women and fat-headed wapmen. http://twitter.com/alysdexia/favorites (failed profèties and wrong verses)

Iam_Who_Iam October 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Yea for you! I always thought of myself as a Christian, as in embracing the Christian philosophy in life as I understood it. For me it had little to do with some magic heaven land, it was more about the lesson of love, brotherhood and sacrifice.

But recently, with some great effort, I explained to my family that I no longer considered myself a Christian, as the word has been stripped of any compassion. I am greatly pleased that there are some out there still willing to embrace Christianity as I once understood it to be.

I don’t know when exactly it became all about I’m saved, you’re not and therefore screw you, but that bit makes me very sad. I’m afraid I can’t help you in this battle, as the line has been crossed for me, but I have great respect for your courage to fight the good fight and to not be afraid to stand by your convictions.

upsidedownpaddl October 6, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Blessed are the poor! Now this family is really blessed. They don't have shit left.

mumbly_joe October 6, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Jesus also asked how come, if the pharisees were willing to pull their own livestock out of a well on the Sabbath, it was so fucking wrong to heal the sick on the same.

I dunno, that part also seems relevant, but I guess that makes me a fucking homo, the AFA would say.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 6, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Their Jesus kind of sucks. I like the South Park one better.

Ruhe October 6, 2010 at 2:12 pm

The "muscular" Jesus definitely does not suck. Rather he is sucked and on The Judgment Day you will all get your turn.

blinky_twinkie October 6, 2010 at 2:41 pm

I'm partial to the Buddy Christ, myself.

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 2:48 pm

I'm partial to the Ted Neeley Jesus

Swampgas_Man October 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm

Me and the cool Goth kids follow the Vampire Jesus, Who shed His blood for you and now WANTS IT BACK!

V572625694 October 6, 2010 at 1:47 pm

One is reminded of what Omar the Caliph said before burning the great library of Alexandria, which contained all the knowledge of the ancient world: "Whatever in this library differs from the Koran is wrong. Whatever agrees with the Koran is redundant. Burn the fucker down!*" Not a dime's worth of difference from the gleaming, ripped, throbbing muscular, Christianity embodied in "The right thing to do will always be the Christian thing to do, and the Christian thing to do will always be the right thing to do."

*translation approximate

the_onceler October 6, 2010 at 2:46 pm

"*translation approximate"

Just like the Bible!!

Rotundo_ October 6, 2010 at 5:54 pm

So is that where the ancient song "The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on Fire, but we don't need no water let the MotherFucker Burn! Burn Motherfucker, Burn! comes from? I just knew there had to be some sort of religious base to it, it just sounds so nice, a good rythmic chant…

ManchuCandidate October 6, 2010 at 1:48 pm

It's easier for an elephant to thread the eye of a needle than a fire department to have some compassion and deal with the burning house of a cheapskate ($75!!! Seriously!)

JoshuaNorton October 6, 2010 at 1:48 pm

So the "weakened, feminized version of Christianity" is anything Jesus would have actually done. And the macho version of Christianity is anything these chest-beating pea brains want to pull out of their ass. Got it.

LionelHutzEsq October 6, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Well, you got to admit, Jesus was a total fag.

Respitetini October 7, 2010 at 8:30 am

Wait, you ship Jesus/Evangelist!John, too? I thought I was the only one…

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Somehow, they seemed to have gotten their Jesus and Caesar mixed up

JMPEsq October 6, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Except that Caesar gave food to the Roman poor, and supported electoral reform that would give the masses more power at the expense of the aristocrats. Socialist!

CthuNHu October 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm

No, the real Jesus was totally macho, not some feminized compassionmonger. He'd drop-kick you as soon as look at you. I mean, check out what he did with the moneylenders in the temple. He threw those rich greedy bastards right out on their money-grubbing asses.

Uh… which, uh, which normally would be a really bad thing, of course, because those are the hard-working job creators and the source of all prosperity and progress in society, but it was okay here, because — well, you know, Jews. Not godly capitalists, like in America.

Kitty_Sanchez October 6, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Uh oh. Now you done went and thunk too hard. Moran. Thinkin' and reasonin' just leads to trouble. Besides, anything but ass-kickin' makes you a fag.

ReturnToMetal October 6, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Nailed it. First try.

bumfug October 6, 2010 at 1:49 pm

And lo, it came to pass that the five rejected virgins said screw this and got 67 other virgins and they all went to paradise to fuck dead Muslims.

dogscantlookup October 6, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Saxon Jesus sez burn everything!

LionelHutzEsq October 6, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Blessed are the meek, but not as blessed as the ass-kickers, for they are the true, muscular, manly, all covered in oil Christians.

Mathew 5:14, the sermon to Hulk Hogan.

CapnFatback October 6, 2010 at 4:06 pm

"Oh, son, you really don't want me to turn the other cheek. Cuz that cheek just got laid off, his wife just left him, and he's been drinking all damn day."

DonnyKerabotsos October 6, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Feminized Christianity? Would that mean praying to Jesusica?

Ruhe October 6, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Maybe to Ashera?

MarionNYNY October 6, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Being a Jew, God never speaks to me personally, so it really helps when groups on a personal first name basis with THE LORD AND SAVIOR let me know what he wants. Thank you AFA or as your god might say, "Drop dead bitches."

Gratuitous World October 6, 2010 at 1:52 pm

"And then He multiplied the fire and kindling to teach individual responsibility to all the irresponsible hut dwellers…"

SheriffRoscoe October 6, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Jesus: Where dem five bitches at?

Others at the party: They went to get limes and tequila, because they ran out.

Jesus: Well fuck that! Sergio lock that door! I don't even know dem bitches, yo.

You see how the parable could be read to illustrate that a man's house should be allowed to burn to the ground? Right. Me neither.

BeWoot October 6, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Matthew 25: Making unbelievers since Jesus wrote it himself around 400 A.D.

29 For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.

30 And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:

32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:

33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?

undeterredbyreality October 6, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Wasn't there some kind of story about a son who fucked up his whole life long, but then came home and said, "Sorry Dad" and the dad said "fuggedaboudit" and they all went to Arby's to celebrate (much to the consternation of the son who didn't fuck up)?

Missyb9479 October 6, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Or the story of the dude who hired a bunch of Mexican's from the Home Depot parking lot and then came back later and hired some Cubans. Then, at the end of the day, he gave them all the same amount of money and the Mexican's were pissed because they worked longer and the guy was all, "hey, don't get pissed because I'm a generous guy you assholes."

freakishlywrong October 6, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Jesus, I was totally kidding on the comment I made this a.m. about WHWJLBD? And they out-snarked me? But they're SRYUS? Jeebus weeps.

Buzz Feedback October 6, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Jesus put the money changers in the firehouse.

AnAmericanInTO October 6, 2010 at 1:54 pm

This whole story depresses me to no end. I can't find any quotes from the firefighters themselves, though. Are they pretty impressed with themselves or do they feel even an ounce of shame?

When I heard this story on the radio here in Toronto, the newscaster couldn't have sneered the name Tennessee any more if she tried.

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Frankly, I'm surprised if they didn't break into laughter after it and start mocking us endlessly. I remember watching the BBC cover the 2004 Republican Convention and you could tell the anchor person was doing everything he could not to roll his eyes.

outragedcitizen October 7, 2010 at 11:09 am

As an ex-volunteer fireman, I would hope they are feeling shame, but who knows, maybe they think they taught the town an object lesson and are just waiting for all the money to pour in.

edgydrifter October 6, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Mark 12:31 says "Love your neighbor as yourself." When you're a self-loathing prick, this opens up all kinds of possibilities for creative biblical interpretation.

PalinPussyPower October 6, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Sorry y'all, my bad. I replaced all of the AFA's bibles with the original script for Die Hard: With a Vengeance. Don't be surprised if you start to hear Simon Gruber quoted in their next press release.

SayItWithWookies October 6, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Blessed are the rich and the smug, for they will always have a reason not to come to the aid of the suffering.

jodyleek October 6, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Is that you, Supply Side Jesus?

Fare la Volpe October 6, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Jesus is an arson wanker?
http://www.theonion.com/video/crime-reporter-find

Knew it.

anonymousofficezombie October 6, 2010 at 1:58 pm

Umm… It's been awhile, but didn't Jesus say something definitive in the Bible about the virtues of individual responsibility and accountability?:

"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

OneDollarJuana October 6, 2010 at 2:33 pm

If I try to love my neighbor as myself I'm gonna get thrown in jail for sexual assault.

the_onceler October 6, 2010 at 2:51 pm

this is obviously not the Conservapedia "version" of the Bible.

Guppy06 October 6, 2010 at 4:22 pm

But they do love their neighbors as they love themselves: in a closet.

Asa_Hawks October 6, 2010 at 4:25 pm

Stop confusing the issue with facts!

Eve8Apples October 6, 2010 at 1:59 pm

That explains why Jesus went on the rampage chasing the money changers and the merchants from the Temple. They weren't capitalist enough for Jesus. Jesus also charged $75.00 a head to hear his teachings – a very modest amount in comparison to St. Snowbilly's $100,000 for insane babble.

Ruhe October 6, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Modest amount? Did you correct for inflation?

Gleem_McShineys October 6, 2010 at 1:59 pm

So I guess there was no way to collect the $75 AFTER saving their house, because Jesus does all his arson with tough love.

Tough, painful, brutal, bruising, hot yet totally not romantic love, but also not gay, at all. Honest. Because of the black hole of inescapable circular Macho Christian logic.

CZL October 6, 2010 at 1:59 pm

Is it just me or is are y'all getting a really homoerotic vibe from the image of a muscular, masculine Christianity?

axmxz October 6, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Tru fax: if your secret homogayness makes it unsatisfying to bone your God-given female wife, just imagine you're sticking it to Jesus, and you'll be all right!

JMPEsq October 6, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Considering that over half of the AFA's work is supporting anti-gay bigotry (with most of the rest working to keep women as second-class citizens), and the fact the biggest homophobes are always self-loathing closet cases, that shouldn't be a surprise.

Lucidamente1 October 6, 2010 at 1:59 pm

"the muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility and accountability": you mean like a fire department putting out a fucking fire?

weejee October 6, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Guess Jeebus was head kapo running the ovens too.

bumfug October 6, 2010 at 2:24 pm

No shit. The firefighters said they were "acting under orders" to not help. Oh, well, in that case it's apparently OK to be weaselly, chicken-shit little cunts.

JMPEsq October 6, 2010 at 2:32 pm

You know who else was just "acting under orders"?

LionelHutzEsq October 6, 2010 at 2:00 pm

The AFA does have a good point here. After all, didn't God speak to Moses as a burning bush?

Allowing firefighters to put out fires is an affront to God and his manly, arsonist tendencies. It is telling how deeply we are into Feminine Socialism that we use government money to fund our fire departments. If this government was moral, they would let all buildings burn to the ground, except for Muslim ones.

crapshooter102 October 6, 2010 at 2:01 pm

His article quotes Jesus and Mr. Cranick. I wonder if he interviewed both?

BeWoot October 6, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Sadly, no. Mr. Cranick was unavailable for comment but did ask a total stranger to write up a response long after he, Mr. Cranick, was dead. Jesus, though, is always hanging around the AFA Clubhouse and happy to respond to all media requests.

natoslug October 6, 2010 at 2:02 pm

At this point, the only thing I can say is "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!!" Pretty much covers any statement issued by the AFA, NOM, GOP, RNC, KKK or any other Republican outreach group. If I didn't hate needles so much I'd save myself time and get it tattooed across my forehead.

x111e7thst October 6, 2010 at 2:04 pm

If my Christianity was more muscular would I be more attractive to the boys despite spending less and less time in the gym? This would be important as I am, in fact, spending less and less time in the gym.

PsycWench October 6, 2010 at 2:04 pm

I was an atheistic until 30 seconds ago, when I heard Jesus vomiting profusely.

V572625694 October 6, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Here's how big a pussy feminized Jeebus is:

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

V572625694 October 6, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Or if you prefer the majesty of the King James Version (favorite of all atheists):
http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=

At least He wasn't a vegan.

SheriffRoscoe October 6, 2010 at 2:15 pm

While reading the article (which required me to cut and paste the black script on black background to my wordpad, to overcome the rank stupidity of the AFA website designer) I was struck by how the words of Jesus get twisted to fit Mr. Fischer's interpretation, followed by a warning to all of us that we may want to be careful about disagreeing with him, because, you know, it's Jesus and he's a sick MoFo when it comes to retribution time. But isn't that what popes, priests and inquisitors have done for years?

Kitty_Sanchez October 6, 2010 at 5:51 pm

K, now you done went an' thunk too hard. Don't you worry yer pretty little obedient head about such things like interpretations and history. Just know that if you dare to question what you just read, Jesus will FUCK. YOU. UP. For eternity.

problemwithcaring October 6, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Witch!!! Burn him!!

Chet Kincaid October 6, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Jesus went on an uncontrollable, inconsolable crying jag.

DashboardBuddha October 6, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Jesus wept.

ChurchofRealism October 6, 2010 at 2:51 pm

but not openly, because that would be totally gay.

JMPEsq October 6, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Everyone who was raised Christian should remember the parable of the Bad Samaritan, who proved himself to be a weak feminized evil man when he compassionately saved an injured mugging victim from the side of the road instead of trusting in his individual responsibility to either pull himself up by his own bootstraps or die because he was weak and deserved it.

glamourdammerung October 6, 2010 at 2:08 pm

I think these clowns are not thinking through the implications of the "ideal society" they are pushing. Especially since more than a few of them are alive merely due to laws against murder.

prommie October 6, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Jesus was all about teaching people a fucking lesson. Just for fucking spite, to show people what happens when you fuck with the J-man. Ain't no other way you gonna have any street cred, you know?

axmxz October 6, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Where's the controversy? From a historical perspective, there is nothing more Christian than letting someone burn to death because they didn't pay monetary tribute to your organization. The only way to make it more Christian would've been to pour accelerant on the house and stand outside with pikes, just in case someone manages to make it out.

GunTotingProgressive October 6, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Ya mean like anointing the house with holy oils?

axmxz October 6, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Sure! Also, shooting its occupants with holy musketoons, infecting them with holy smallpox, cutting off their limbs with holy knives, and raping them with holy dicks. Christianity is a religion of Peace! (TM)

qwerty42 October 6, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Let us not forget the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Good point. Maybe the family whose house burned down was either Jewish or Witches?

axmxz October 6, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Or anything darker than Mediterranean.

ReturnToMetal October 6, 2010 at 4:40 pm

They don't need the pikes. They screwed the door to the jamb and the frame just before they set the fire. Ain't no one getting out! Bwa – ha – ha – ha – ha – ha – ha! Jesus Saves!

lumpenprole October 6, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Jesus did have Hulk-like tantrums from time to time. Damn fig tree.

axmxz October 6, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Damn playmates. Damn money-changers. Damn disciples. Damn lake. Damn demons. Damn wind. Emo-Jesus was emo.

widestanceroman October 6, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Why did these soft value-having scum not just put the fire out with their own bootstraps? If they had piled enough gross lepers on the flames, it might have saved their home.

mumbly_joe October 6, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Seriously, can we just dispense with the fiction that the "American Family Association" has fuck all to do with "families"? Also, for that matter, "Christianity"? They're clearly just lizard-brained fascists who love referencing Christianity because the cross casts a long, opaque shadow they can effortlessly hide under.

elviouslyqueer October 6, 2010 at 2:34 pm

"lizard-brained fascists" suggests that these homophobic xenophobes have climbed a rung or two up the evolutionary ladder when, in fact, they haven't quite progressed past the level of amoebic dysentery.

weejee October 6, 2010 at 2:39 pm

'Zactly so. The "American Family Association" is the shits.

OneDollarJuana October 6, 2010 at 2:37 pm

They mean "family" in the same sense as the Mafia.

Mindblank October 6, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Sissies! Actually, Jesus would make s'mores over the glowing embers of the house to feed the poors or whatever. Mmmm, s'mores.

axmxz October 6, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Feed the poors? FEED THE POORS?! THAT'S HOMOGAY TALK!!!

Mindblank October 6, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Nah, feeding the poors is butch as long as you do it violently and at somebody else's expense. "TAKE THESE GODDAMMED S'MORES YOU MOFOS!"

jus_wonderin October 6, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Studly Jesus would throw the makings of the s'mores into the fire and then suggest that personal responsibility asks the poors to dive in after them to make the actual s'mores. 'Cuz that is how you demonstrate that you are not merely skulking around for a handout.

WelcomeThrillho October 6, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Now we're all winners!

Chet Kincaid October 6, 2010 at 2:22 pm

"Muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility." Oh God, don't let Frank Miller get hold of the New Testament. I don't want to see ripped, oiled Apostles in Leather Battle Panties® eviscerating centurions and pharisees in slo-mo-orgasmavision while Jesus screams I!! AM!! MESSIAH!!

Chet Kincaid October 6, 2010 at 2:33 pm

(Leather Battle Panties® courtesy of RiffTrax)

OneYieldRegular October 6, 2010 at 3:11 pm

What, you didn't see the Mel Gibson movie starring Jesus as ambulatory steak tartare?

Also, kudos for RiffTrax ("ambulatory steak tartare" courtesy of some French movie reviewer).

sussemilch October 6, 2010 at 2:23 pm

I'm not saying Jesus is a fag, I'm just saying he hung around with a dozen men he picked up at the docks and called himself a 'fisher of men.'

Gainsbourg69 October 6, 2010 at 2:24 pm

The ghey is curiously strong in Bryan Fischer.

mrblifil October 6, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Jesus had some weird propensities, like sticking his hand up the butts of dead guys and saying "look, look he's totally not dead anymore" and fucking around with a 4-diamond groupie/hooker who happened to share his mother's name. But even Jesus as out there as he was would have given those firefighters the finger and righteously ranted about the meek shall be first and shit like that. He probably would have overturned a table or something, but firefighters don't usually set out tables when they respond, so his hands would have been tied in that respect. Also.

SheriffRoscoe October 6, 2010 at 2:39 pm

"…like sticking his hand up the butts of dead guys and saying "look, look he's totally not dead anymore"…"

You have made my trip to Wonkette this morning worth it, for like the next several weeks with that one snippet from your comment.

weejee October 6, 2010 at 2:35 pm

OT, but appears Jeebus is still busy, as there is a giant red toxic sludge spill in Hungary that's heading for the Danube. Seems the sludge reservoir behind some paprika plant aluminum mill burst. Sorta like the coal ash reservoirs do here in the Appalachia but red yuck instead of gray.

Chet Kincaid October 6, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Hm. A few decades late on the plague delivery, but looks like somebody should have let the Jews go when they had the chance.

GOPCrusher October 6, 2010 at 4:25 pm

Will zombie Charleton Heston part the Danube next?

frailamerica October 6, 2010 at 2:37 pm

I like how he mentions the fire company's liability insurance not covering them as a valid reason to do nothing. I should've stood on route 9a on a certain late summer day in 2001 and warned all the firefighters & paramedics coming from NJ, PA, and everywhere else not to bother because their liability insurance probably won't cover them if they help New Yorkers.

JMPEsq October 6, 2010 at 2:54 pm

As for "The right thing, by the way, is also the Christian thing, because there can be no difference between the two"

1. Go fuck yourselves.
2. Learn the meaning of morality, and right and wrong.
3. See that it has absolutely nothing to do with religion whatsoever.
4. Go fuck your own bigoted asses again.

Jukesgrrl October 6, 2010 at 2:56 pm

If the guy with the fire had a daughter who looked like Jessica Simpson and she had screamed, "Please put out the fire! My Daisy Duke cut-offs are in that house!" would the firemen have turned on their hoses then?

jus_wonderin October 6, 2010 at 4:38 pm

I think this depends on the definition of "hoses".

mumbly_joe October 6, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Also, doesn't "muscular Christian values" sound a bit like the sort of thing your priest tells you about while you're watching those special videos with him that you're not supposed to tell mommy and daddy about?

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Theoretically, if Jesus were more manly and muscular, would he have allowed himself to get captured by the Romans at Gethsemane? Wouldn't he have taken them down Bruce Willis in Die Hard style? Only pussies surrender. Same thing with denying who you are when captured. Jesus would have told Pilate "that's, right, I'm the Messiah, bitch." And what sort of wuss sacrifices himself? If Jesus were more manly, wouldn't he have gone out and wrestled with every damn sin out there or at least taken a machine gun to a whole lot of them before being taken down?

horselover_fat October 6, 2010 at 5:19 pm

It's like he told the meek and peacemakers: "Say hello to my leetle friend!" Well, that may have been Al Pacino as Scarface, but same thing, really, right AMA?

hooray4anything October 6, 2010 at 5:44 pm

And Jesus sayeth to his followers, "behold. This is my little friend…."

ThePrincessPat October 6, 2010 at 3:06 pm

The argument is ridiculous. If we help people who fucked up, then we'll all start thinking "Hey, I think I'll fuck up, too!"

GOPCrusher October 6, 2010 at 4:29 pm

They use the same argument for unemployment insurance, welfare , the disabled, etc.

ttommyunger October 6, 2010 at 3:12 pm

We've got a great example of "Muscular Christianity" right here in Atlanta. MegaChurch "Bishop" Eddie Long, part-time weight lifter and full-time boy-fucker, is defending himself (and his Church, he says) against four youths who have filed suit against him for using his position to gain sexual favors. Fortunately for Pastor Eddie, the age of consent here in the Great State of Dumbfukistan is eleven or twelve, I don't know…(16 actually). He WILL settle to avoid a trial. Your Tithe dollars at work for you.

JMPEsq October 6, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Now what religion's teachings does the AFA's "muscular Christianity" resemble more than what's actually in the Gospels? Could it be … the Church of SATAN?!

DangerHelvetica October 6, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Wait, I thought eating your oatmeal was the right thing to do.

Gopherit October 6, 2010 at 3:48 pm

Jesus is a stone cold capitalist libertarian, motherfuckers! Those loaves and fishes weren't free.

MistaEko October 6, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Jesus, take the hose!

Wadisay October 6, 2010 at 4:02 pm

So when the leper asked Jesus to heal him, Jesus said, "Show me the fuckin' health plan card marked 'Paid in Full' first, buddy."

Guppy06 October 6, 2010 at 4:17 pm

"And it is because they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity"

So much for the mother church.

Guppy06 October 6, 2010 at 4:18 pm

If Jesus didn't want the house to burn down, He wouldn't have let it catch fire to begin with!

Asa_Hawks October 6, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Jesus literally wept. Or rolled his eyes, Probably both.

jus_wonderin October 6, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Real Men Love Jesus…from behind.

ReturnToMetal October 6, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Remarkable how the American Family Association does so little to help FAMILIES.

horselover_fat October 6, 2010 at 5:07 pm

Diesel dyke Jesus will plant her (hyr?) Doc Martens straight in your face and put her cigarette out on your fat Marxist forehead, so back the fuck off. What did it say in the Book of Butch? "This Subaru Outback ain't gonna load itself, pussy willow?" Damn straight. It's about time Christianity shaved its head, mounted its Ducati, picked up some badass tribal tats and got REALLY serious about organic farming.

Lazy Media October 6, 2010 at 5:18 pm

I'm a little surprised, considering the number of Republicans involved, that the mayor wasn't out there making a lowball offer on the house while it burned, then ordering the fire department to put it out after he bought it. Marcus Licinius Crassus supposedly used to do that in Rome, which is one reason he was so rich.

Srsly, though, if you're too stupid to buy the dirt-cheap fire protection, you don't get to whine when your stuff burns up. Nobody's life was in danger, so the fire department wasn't obligated to risk their own lives (firefighting isn't safe) to save some idiot's property.

Swampgas_Man October 6, 2010 at 5:27 pm

I've tried that. God doesn't respond.

lochnessmonster October 6, 2010 at 6:00 pm

PETA will be all over these firefighters because they let those animals who died in the fire suffer a terrible death – and they should!

BerkeleyBear October 6, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Rugged Christianity is the most repulsive, revisionist bullshit out there. Last I checked, Edward the Confessor was made a saint because he trusted the Lord to protect him, not because he opened a can of whoop-ass on the pagans. Admittedly, his faith was a little misplaced, since he wound up looking like a pincushion, but it was the very "softness" of Christianity that won it converts among most of Europe – since the alternative was fucking bleakness and terror followed by death, the end.

Barrelhse October 6, 2010 at 7:21 pm

God so hated the world that he sent his only begotten son to make fucking sure we all hate one another.
Asswipes.

loquacioustunes October 6, 2010 at 9:07 pm

Jesus once told a parable about 10 virgins attending a wedding feast, five of whom failed to replenish the oil-based lube in their "lamps" when they had the chance. The bridegroom came when they were out frantically searching for oil-based lube, and by the time they made it back to the party, the virgins were shut tight. The bridegroom – the Christ figure in the story – refused to open the door, saying “Truly, I say to you, I do not know you; water-based lube is so much easier to clean up. YOU SHALL BE BANISHED TO HELL."

fuflans October 6, 2010 at 10:25 pm

jesus christ.

lulzmonger October 6, 2010 at 11:47 pm

Then Macho Jesus said unto them, "What? Only FOUR nails? Is that all ya got? Drive one through my dick too, you Roman titty-babies! Put a couple more into my fuckin' eye-sockets while you're at it – if you're not too squeamish, that is! Do it! DO IT NOW! I double-dare ya!"

This sort of raging idiocy used to be the norm – with big badges on the front of houses to certify that they were paid up – but after enough entire neighborhoods turned into mass-crematoria, someone found the "Dummy The Fuck Up" button, & before long the modern miracle of common sense prevailed.

Now it's 2010, & here we are.

outragedcitizen October 7, 2010 at 11:15 am

Looking at AFA, it appears that the Islamic terrorists aren't the only ones who can twist their religion in knots to make it fit their fucked up version of reality.

the_onceler October 6, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Jon Stewart's comedy for really tragic events often end before the commercial with something that you end up laughing about but in a sad way. His monologue on Katrina was funny, but then you could just tell how bummed out he was.

Kitty_Sanchez October 8, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Thanks, Iam, it's nice to meet you.

I was in a place very much like yours for a very long time. The idea that God would only "save" the people who were lucky enough to happen to believe in the "right" God in the "right" way, but condemn everyone else to eternal damnation made me so depressed I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Seriously — I just couldn't take it. So I just decided to not think about it, and I became something of an agnostic.

Then I started to encounter Christians and God-talk that was very different from anything I'd encountered before. Three things you might be interested in exploring:

1. Bishop John Shelby Spong
http://www.beliefnet.com/Video/Preachers-and-Teac

2. United Church of Christ (very liberal and ecumenical affiliation of churches)
http://www.ucc.org/

3. The American Friends Service Committee — a way to celebrate your spirituality through action and service
http://afsc.org/

While you're at it, get to know a little something about Quakerism. You might be surprised. I know I was.
http://www.fgcquaker.org/what-are-quakers

But you don't have to participate in organized religion to bring God to others. Like I said, some of us keep our damn mouths shut and simply do. That brings God into others' lives, believer and non-believer alike. That's the real faith, and it feeds your soul.

Best wishes.

metamarcisf October 8, 2010 at 7:48 pm

This is precisely why God invented drug and alcohol abuse. Plus, a trip to Caesars Palace wouldn't hurt.

Iam_Who_Iam October 10, 2010 at 6:43 am

Wow, poked a sore spot with you huh?

I am always a bit perplexed by the folks who are zealots, both of the religious and atheistic sort. I certainly understand the frustration with religion, I feel a bit betrayed and brainwashed myself and on occasion all the religious b.s. pisses me off.

But I don’t see much difference between the fanatics trying to convert me to their religion and the atheists trying to purge me of all spirituality. I just don’t understand why it has to be a fricking battle for my soul or the lack thereof.

I’ll take a look at the readings you suggested just cuz I’m the curious sort, although in my case you are preaching to the choir. But um, you should really consider relaxing a bit buddy. Have a drink, get laid, whatever. If this fails, try metamarcisf's suggestions posted above.

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